Kingdom Marriage: Finding Purpose in Love. Finding Purpose in Love

At that moment, I had so many questions running through my head. So I prayed, I hoped, and I begged God to give me clarity.

I wish I could know how he felt and what he wants from me. Did he like me the way I thought he did? Did he ever love me? Was he just being nice? Is he simply a good person? I really wish I knew right now. I had a lot of restlessness in my heart about letting go of my ex maybe because

It is best to listen to God regarding our relationships so that we do not end up marrying someone else’s spouse, which will cause us to lose the original purpose for which God created us — to walk with Him and realize the meaning of life. While it may seem counterintuitive in the moment, the Lord may ask you to give up a relationship or something you hold dear, rest assured that it will make sense later as you obey God and allow Him to lead you toward a purpose in life that aligns with His will.

Granting, I was no longer interested in the relationship with my ex; I just wanted to seek God, to listen to Him, to do His will, and to know Him better. I simply wanted to be in God’s will because I felt deep in my heart that my life was going to change for the better. Therefore, as part of my consecration to the Lord, I exchanged beauty for ashes. I shaved my head as a way of rededicating myself to God because I had begun a spiritual journey that I didn’t know how it would turn out, but I knew for sure that I was on the right path. The weight of praying for Fred was heavy on my heart, so I kept praying, asking if he was the one. There was something different about him that made me seek God more because I wanted to know what it was about him that was different. I didn’t desire him in a sexual way, but I desired something deeper, something only God could satisfy. Over time, I realized that I was finding my purpose on this journey I had embarked upon because, thanks to meeting this stranger, I found purpose in love by surrendering all my desires to God.

Love isn’t just a word; it’s an action. The action I took in following the guidance of the Holy Spirit led me to understand that my purpose was in God, showing me that this stranger was more to him than I thought.

For it is written: “My little children, let us not love in word or in tongue, but indeed and in truth.” — I John 3:18 (NKJV)

Consequently, the following week, he came and helped me carry my luggage to the university residence and wanted us to get something to eat, but I don’t know what happened; it just didn’t happen. He invited me to church the following Sunday, and we went together. He paid for the taxi there and back, so on the way back, I asked him why he wasn’t responding to my messages promptly. He said he didn’t like chatting on WhatsApp because it was time-consuming and that if someone wanted to talk to him, it was better to call him. I didn’t agree with that idea, but the taxi driver supported his point of view. Although I wasn’t entirely convinced, I tried to see things from his perspective, which focused on fewer distractions and more concentration, since app notifications can be distracting. It made me realize the importance of managing my time by reducing activities like chatting, which can distract us from what we were doing before the messages arrived on our phones. Therefore, this interesting conversation led me to also silence my phone notifications. This way, I was able to concentrate and avoid being distracted by irrelevant messages.

Days and weeks passed. The feeling of knowing this person was different from the men I had known before was wonderful, and the thought of him weighed heavily on my heart. I longed for him to open his mouth and confess his true feelings for me, to say, “I love you.” Days went by, but he said nothing to indicate romantic interest in me. Yet I continued to pray and convince myself that one day he would say he wanted to commit to me. He gave me mixed signals through his actions, which I ignored, hoping that denying the reality of who he had shown himself to be would make a difference. But it didn’t, because his words sometimes didn’t make it clear what he wanted from me, even though he gave me gifts and invited me to social and religious events. Days turned into months, and months into years. So for two years straight, I prayed for someone who wasn’t God’s will for me, because nothing changed in the situation. But my path of faith was becoming more important to me than anything else, because my faith in God was deepening as He began to reveal His will for my life, and Fred mattered less to me.

The casual relationship felt like a trap I’d been waiting to fall into my whole life. It seemed like we were just playing around, as if we didn’t know what was going on between us, even though at the time it seemed like we were more than friends. That said, the more I prayed about whether he would be my future husband, the more restless I felt, but my dreams indicated that he was. Later, the Lord revealed to me that the dreams could be the result of constantly thinking about the future with Fred and imagining him, and the devil found an excuse to keep my mind captive, turning it into a stronghold of idolatry, since that’s what I thought about most. And He (God) cannot bless an idol in my life, so it was best to break free from the spiritual bond I might have formed with Fred through ignorance and lack of discernment. Fred was an imposter sent to open my heart to believe in God for a covenant marriage. Although he did not become the husband I had promised to marry, the situation prompted me to seek God’s will regarding my life in general, my destiny, and the marriage the Lord has planned for me.

Hence it is written “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose” — Romans 8:28.

In the midst of all this confusion, God was creating a purpose within me. This situation taught me not to rely on my feelings or my perceptions, but to trust God throughout the process. Even if it seems like what one desires, it may not be what is needed to fulfill a purposeful destiny. Our desires are fleeting and can stem from many things, such as emotions, longings, people, and fear of the future, leading us to settle for the bare minimum in life.

CHAPTER THREE

EMBARKING ON A FAITH WALK

My journey in search of the Lord began with a zeal and determination born of pain and trauma. When it all began, it was with a fire and love for the promise the Lord had spoken, which was unfair to God in retrospect. But I thank God for lovingly and patiently teaching me that the promises still stand and His faithfulness is certain. However, I needed to work on my own faithfulness to God. I was distracted by a counterfeit who resembled what I believed God had said would be my husband, and for two years I prayed for this counterfeit husband I had created in my mind, believing he was the one. The Lord rebuked me countless times, saying, “He is not the one, and stop praying using his name because you are preventing your true kingdom husband from finding you by putting his name everywhere in your prayers.” And I was led to the scripture that says:

“Ye have compassed this mountain long enough: turn you northward.”

— Deuteronomy 2:3 KJV

Much later, I felt led to join a live prayer group on YouTube where the woman said the same thing I had heard the Lord say. Before, I was rebuking the voice that said he was the wrong person wasn’t my kingdom spouse because my flesh desired them, even though my spirit wasn’t at peace. Every time that person came near, I would tense up and couldn’t be myself around them, but in theory, they seemed like the perfect partner, according to my own understanding. And to top it all off, my friends around me thought we were in a serious relationship, which subconsciously prevented me from moving forward with my life. Then, I heard God tell me to stop praying with a specific name, so I started using “my kingdom spouse” instead of a specific name, since I wasn’t sure who I should be praying for as my kingdom spouse. The Lord broke me and rebuilt me so that I could handle the answer to my prayer for a kingdom spouse

My friends and I celebrated the New Year 2019, prayed and talked about what we wanted to achieve that year. My prayer that year was to find balance in my love life and grow spiritually strong in the things of God. It so happened that in January 2019, I embarked on a 30-day prayer challenge for my Kingdom spouse. I told this to a friend who wanted a committed relationship but couldn’t find a man willing to take her seriously, so I encouraged her to join me in the 30-day prayer challenge for her Kingdom spouse. She joined, but I told her to give up something she found difficult to live without as a sacrifice to God, to show that God is more important than anything in this world and that He will give her the desires of her heart. I encouraged her to embrace celibacy because we can’t be in a sexual relationship if we want God to bless us with good men as Kingdom husbands. I was convinced by the Holy Spirit to say no to men who were showing interest in me in a carnal way, and I told them of my decision not to have sex before marriage. Most of the men left immediately without bothering me, which made it easier to focus on… Those who wanted commitment. When we began to pray consistently at a set time, I started dreaming and seeing different people asking me to marry them, and it was strange because it felt so real. But the Lord made me understand that some of those dreams didn’t come from Him and that the enemy can disguise himself and appear through my dreams to reinstate evil agreements, bondages, and evil habits of the soul that I was trying to break. So I had to rebuke and annul the dreams by the blood of Jesus Christ. As we approached the end of the 30 days of prayer to find a husband, my friend was offended because I left her behind and went with my roommate to celebrate her birthday, but that wasn’t the case. I told her that since she was taking so long to come see us, my roommate, whose birthday it was, was tired of waiting for her, so she begged me to come with her, but asked me to call my friend so she could relax because we had waited more than two hours for her to join us and for us to go to the cafeteria to celebrate the birthday. I called my friend when we got back, and she didn’t answer. Instead, she sent me a message saying she was mad at me and that I wasn’t a good friend because I had left her and gone to celebrate my roommate’s birthday, but she had forgotten that we had waited for her until dark before leaving for the celebration. Then, at midnight, I called her so we could do our 30-day prayer challenge session over the phone, but she didn’t do it, so I sent her a message with the prayer for that particular day, and when we got to class, I said hi, but she ignored me. And I continued praying alone until day 30. On day 30, she called me, we talked, and she apologized for her behavior. I told her I had forgiven her and prayed that God would help her overcome her weaknesses as well. This episode taught me something: it made me understand that when you’re close to making a breakthrough and sharing your testimony, you receive more attacks. Once the enemy can no longer stop you, he’ll try to make you react in ways that prevent God from flowing in your life, causing disagreements, especially with the people who are supposed to be with you and help you fulfill your destiny. In this case, the enemy attacked my friend and me to stop the 30-day prayer challenge for my future husband, but I kept praying alone until the Lord convinced her, and she came back to continue praying with me, and everything went back to normal. Sometimes, you simply have to be silent and let God fight for you, because the Lord defended me and restored peace and understanding between us.

Moving on, we saw God’s hand at work in our love lives. My friend met her husband in October of that same year, during our 30-day prayer challenge for her future husband. They married a year later; their wedding could have been sooner, but the pandemic delayed it. I felt so blessed to know that she would be marrying her husband, whom she met on a dating site. The Lord led me to create an account for her, even though she had many doubts. I encouraged her, we prayed together, and the first message she received was from her husband, which was a blessing and a miracle, since they couldn’t communicate verbally due to the language barrier. However, they were able to understand each other through text messages, and that’s how I knew the Lord was present in this journey of trusting Him for our marriage. It filled me with joy and peace to know that my friend met and married a man who loves her and is willing to serve and honor God in their marriage. Her marriage blessed me deeply and gave me more hope to continue trusting God for my own. I thanked the Lord that my friend, who took a leap of faith along with me, even amidst her doubts about whether a man would wait until marriage before having sex, was finally carrying her evidence that with God everything is possible. The Lord manifested Himself and demonstrated His word that says:

“But without faith it is impossible to please him: for him that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him.”

— Hebrews 11:6 KJV.

I was proud of my friend for sticking with the word of God above all her fears and skeptics, she embraced faith and I was so delighted I listened to the voice of God to open the dating app for her to put herself out there believing the LORD will order her steps and that of her future husband to meet with her.

Faith is what we believe we have without having seen it before. As you embark on your journey of faith, keep in mind that you will face challenges, loneliness, and doubts when you don’t yet see the manifestations of what you ask of God and what He has revealed to you. But be certain that God is with you even in times of uncertainty, for it is then that you should dedicate more time to Him through worship, prayer, and meditation on His Word. Receive grace through prayer and praise to have the strength to remain in His presence and the grace to persevere in the midst of uncertainty, and continue to trust that you will see the manifestations of God’s word in your life; you will surely see the fulfillment of the promise.

So, I went back to inquire of the Lord concerning my own marital settlement and I asked the Lord when will my marital testimony materialize? And the Lord said to me “Focus on me and let go of the counterfeit he is hindering you from receiving your marriage testimony for I am preparing you for a kingdom marriage and not just a marriage. For your marriage is not ordinary for it will bring glory to my name” So I was crying when I heard the Lord. But before I finally let the counterfeit go, I kept resisting and wrestling with the feeling of losing the connection I had with the counterfeit, because of the dreams I kept having that we were getting married, and my former roommate called me from Italy during this period to hear from me. She knew Fred and I together as friends, so she said “I dreamt you got married to Fred and you were living happily together and I was talking to you guys on video call in the dream”.

I was elated and thought the dream my friend had shared with me was a confirmation from God, but instead of clarity, it brought me more confusion. Therefore, more questions arose within me about why she had dreamed about me and the counterfeit. This further fueled my desire for the counterfeit, and I began to reject the voice telling me to let him go because of what I saw in my dreams: that Fred was the one. I started to convince myself that it wasn’t God asking me to let him go, but there was no significant change in the dynamics of the relationship. It seemed I was the only one trapped in this delusion I had created through a lack of discernment.

A relationship requires mutual agreement to stand and progresses with time. But what I found myself in with Fred was a situation-ship because I was wishing Fred was actually the one. A situations-ship is a relationship of convenience, is one where you find yourself wanting and imagining that you and someone are in a relationship, but it’s only in your head. If the person doesn’t agree to an exclusive relationship, it means you’re the only person in that relationship. Therefore, there isn’t a relationship, but rather a situation that has taken up space in your life and is consuming your time, emotions, and resources because you become vulnerable to this person. However, the person doesn’t agree with what you want between you, as their actions and words don’t align. This makes you think you’re in a relationship one day and single the next, creating an emotional rollercoaster and a fear of losing the person. You’re afraid to break up because you can’t seem to accept the truth that there isn’t actually a relationship.

But the scripture says “My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me.” — John 10:27 (NKJV).

Since I was in rebellion I couldn’t hear the voice of God, I didn’t know Him (God) and I couldn’t follow him just like Saul in the scripture (1 Samuel 15), he was in rebellion and during war he couldn’t hear God and didn’t follow His instructions to get complete victory over his enemies.

Looking back, I can clearly see the mercy of God upon me, even in my delusion the Lord showed me his love and mercy. It is because of the mercy of God I wasn’t consumed by my carnal desires. Obviously, I was certainly moved by my flesh not by the Spirit of the living God, to have stayed in such a “situation-ship that was hindering me from going forward in my love life because whenever I asked the counterfeit what we were doing due to the time and energy we spent together going to church, visiting places together and our friends knew us together but our relationship wasn’t defined because no title was given to what we had. But he was nice to me, brought medicine to me when I was sick and we cooked and took to each other, when he was sick I visited him, and celebrated him on his birthdays yet no title was given to our relationship.

So when I prayed about it again, the Lord remained silent on the matter, for He had spoken once, He had spoken twice and given me signs and revelation that Fred was not my future husband, but I chose to use my free will and rejected what God was telling me. For it is written:

“For God may speak in one way, or in another,

Yet man does not perceive it.

In a dream, in a vision of the night,

When deep sleep falls upon men, while slumbering on their beds,

Then He opens the ears of men, and seals their instruction.

In order to turn man from his deed, and conceal pride from man,

He keeps back his soul from the Pit, and his life from perishing by the sword.”

— Job 33:14—18

I was in a state of confusion and emotional turmoil until I mustered the courage to cut ties with the counterfeit after he asked me to send him bikini photos. This was the final straw, and my eyes were opened. From that moment I got my freedom knowing he was the counterfeit. Perhaps God allowed me to walk down that blind path of falsehood so that I might learn from my foolishness in not listening to His voice of truth.

“And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.” — John8:32

I told him I believed he was the one and that I thought he was a believer. Why would he ask me for bikini photos? Then I asked him to delete my number by blocking me and told him I was disappointed. I fell to my knees and wept in repentance, begging God for forgiveness and mercy for not listening to His voice when He told me I should let him go. I began to hear God telling me what to do next. The lesson I learned from this experience was that God cannot fight against a person’s free will because He gave us the ability to choose between His will and our own. When we sincerely repent of our sins and ask God for mercy, He is merciful and compassionate, for His grace is sufficient. He hears us and rescues us from the abyss. His grace in our lives is incomparable to our disobedience; this does not mean we should continue sinning, but rather that we should remain faithful in obedience to the Lord’s command, for obedience to God means love for God. I allowed myself to be deceived by my own lie because I rejected the truth that God revealed to me.

“And for this reason God will send them strong delusion, that they should believe the lie,” — 2 Thessalonians 2:11 (NKJV).

More so, God is not the author of confusion but of peace (I Corinthians 14:33 (NKJV)). However, when something comes from God, there is no confusion, but rather peace that brings order and clarity, because the Lord will illuminate your path. Since the counterfeit thing didn’t come from God, I experienced confusion and fear of breaking free from it, as I felt I wouldn’t find anyone better. The fear of letting go of something that shouldn’t be in your life is a trap, and because I rebelled by disobeying God’s voice at that time, I experienced a closed heaven in my life and in some areas of it. I experienced a lack of spiritual vision and hearing, financial difficulties, and toxic relationships. Rebellion is worse than witchcraft, as it is written in Scripture.