The bull and the butterfly

Eva does not seem to notice Sidor’s senile infirmity, she talks and jokes with him on equal terms, not letting him understand that he has long been written off for scrap by the theater management. Although Sidor would have preferred to be written off for scrap, because only ten or fifteen years ago he knew how to hold a punch, and his back was always straight, as if he had swallowed a stake. But even metal gets tired, there is a concept of «metal fatigue», but Sidor does not know how to deal with it, because his spirit is still intact, and his soul is still burning with the desire to do something. But in reality, the death of his wife had left him severely crippled. Without her faith in him, his health failed, and he even found it difficult to walk or talk. Eva really wants to find him a role in the new play, but he is not suitable for any of the roles. But Eva is thinking about it, and she will definitely come up with something, because she was created for this. Eva is made up for making things up.

«I have a present for the red director,» Sidor says, a little embarrassed, and takes a bag of sunflower seeds out of his old leather briefcase. «For such a lady, they should be diamond seeds, of course, but nature refuses to produce diamond seeds,» he smiles. – Although, maybe, for our director, she will make an exception and release seeds with a diamond peel, – Sidor smiles sweetly.

Sidor is very gallant, he always tries to please Eva with something, because he feels in her the same love for the theater, the same irresistible passion for the theater that he has.

«If they were diamonds, I’d break all my teeth,» Eve says.

«No, you wouldn’t,» Sidor says very quietly. – After all, you can even handle art, so you can’t afford diamonds.»

Sidor leaves, his old shadow gliding down the stairs. This shadow turns out to be what Eve needs to see in order to understand something very important. Sidor walks unevenly and quietly, because old age, like a mad dog, has torn his flesh. Eva understands that art is built on the bones of people like Sidor. But Eve wouldn’t help him walk up the stairs, or take his arm, so as not to humiliate him with her support. Eve would watch him walk away as if he were still young and full of energy, and he would feel it on his back. When Sidor leaves, Eva realizes that the takeoff from the impasse has taken place. And she hears the invisible angels who patronize the arts, as the fans in the stadium chant her name» Eve!».

12

Lenochka takes fifteen steps and ascends the stage. She’s alone in the gym, it’s late, and everyone’s gone home, and Eva’s the last one to leave. Before going up to the stage, Lenochka sat in the audience for a long time and looked at the stage. She doesn’t remember how long she sat for an hour or two, or maybe just a few minutes. When she thinks and looks at the stage, time passes unnoticed, it even seems to cease to exist for her, so she does not notice it. Lena has a watch on her hand, but she doesn’t want to look at it. This is unnecessary, because she now has other tasks, other plans.

The fifteen steps to the stage were not easy for Lena, who felt as if a pair of heavy weights had been strapped to her feet, and the weights increased their weight as she approached the stage. When Lena appeared on the stage, she realized that she could not even move. Lena likes to be alone in the audience, sometimes she even goes up to the stage to say something on it, but it doesn’t work out. Art magic doesn’t work. And Lena just stands on the stage, realizing her helplessness. Every time she goes up to the stage to say something on it, to say it for herself, because at this moment she is watching herself from the audience. But Lena doesn’t succeed. She’s too stressed out to do anything. It cannot renounce itself, it cannot allow itself to be so completely dominated by art as to become a part of it.

Before Eva, Lena’s idol, left, they discussed the play. They talked for a very long time. The whole conversation lasted about five hours, because it was necessary to discuss many organizational issues, related to the scenery and props of the actors. Eva told Lena that the play they are all working on will be called «Forty Days After Love.» His idea will be that after the death of Love in a relationship between two people, love, like a person, does not immediately leave this earth, and its soul lives for forty days. Eva decided that the role of the ghost of love would be played by a very slender and tall girl in a long red dress with a train. In the first act, she will run up a spiral staircase that was recently installed. Also in the play will play forty men in tarpaulin boots, who will portray forty days. From time to time, they will appear on the stage and march loudly like soldiers. And in the very heart of the performance and in the center of the stage there will be a wire silhouette of a man with outstretched arms. It has already been manufactured, delivered and delivered. It was the wire-wrapped void that Eve needed to open up the idea. Which of the actors would be the main character, Eva hadn’t decided yet, but Lena could tell by the look in her eyes that she already knew. The idea for this performance finally took shape when Eva looked at the shadow of old Sidor sliding across the degrees. The shadow gliding down the stairs made her think of a gradual departure from the universe and a quiet farewell to it. Now all that remained was to fill the performance with dialogues and live words, and rehearse, rehearse, rehearse.

Lenochka stood in front of the wire man and looked at him and through him. Tears were streaming down her cheeks. She knew that there was nothing she could do on stage or in real life. It was as if she was observing herself and seeing how incompetent she was in her own right. And her mediocrity does not consist in the lack of acting talent, her mediocrity is much broader – she is incompetent as a person. She doesn’t know how to live. Lena understood that the most important thing in this life she does not know and does not have, because she does not know how to live. Life is only activated in her when she sees Eve. Lena had already caught on to the fact that if Eva was going somewhere, then she wanted to follow her. Eva has so much unfading life and passion for life that it overflows. That’s why it’s so important for Lena to be close to her at least sometimes, to feed off her energy.

Lenochka leaves the stage in tears, without uttering a single word on stage. She doesn’t look at her watch, she doesn’t care what time it is, because she’s not in a hurry to get home to her husband. The husband in her life is superfluous. Sometimes she seriously forgets about him, as if he never existed. And only when she runs into him by accident in her apartment or stumbles upon him in her bed does she realize that it is he who exists in her life as the inept truth of life.

– You stay up late, – says the caretaker, who also works in this theater, to Lenochka, who passes by him, – this is wrong. At this time, you need to guard the family happiness, «he smiles.

But Lenochka does not take his words seriously, because she has nothing to guard. There is no happiness in her family life.

13

White touches black, and black touches white. White with black and black with white caress each other, kisseach other’s comfort. Black on white and white on black. White and black, and between them physical love. Elona under Jean. Jean on Elon, and Elon on Jean.

«There!» He points Elon’s slender, elegant leg up toward the kitchen. Elona’s foot, with its ballerina toe stretched out, reminds Jean of an arrow pointing in the right direction. «Get me some water now, or I’ll die of thirst!»

Thirst is the key word that defines Elons. She has a constant thirst in almost every sense of the word and at all levels of life. And after this thirst is quenched, another thirst immediately follows. She always wants to get something, but does not want to give anything in return.

«I don’tknow,» says Jean. It’s not hard for him to get off, but this arrow represented by Elona’s leg is confusing. He doesn’t want to go and live in the direction that Elona’s outstretched leg is pointing at him.

«Ah, so! Don’t you want to go?! Elona says, and turns to Jean, who is lying on his back, and hits him over the head with a pillow.

«It looks like your soft ass,» Jean says – " so you can hit it harder, I’ll like it.»

«I don’t,» Elona says, offended. She doesn’t like Jean comparing the big pillow to her skinny, diet-ridden ass. «Apologize immediately,» Elona says. – You just called me fat.»

«What nonsense, I won’t apologize,» Jean says sharply.

«That’s why you won’t apologize.» First of all, you didn’t bring me a drink from the refrigerator, and then you called me fat. I wonder what I can expect next. You’ll soon be unfaithful to me. And not just anyone, but some old toad like our Eva with a mustache growing under her nose. Yes, to humiliate me even more, you only need to cheat on me with such a wonderful yudo-woman. I wonder if there’s hair growing under her nose, what’s going on down there, eh? She narrows her eyes at Jean.

Jean is very uncomfortable listening to what Elona is saying. It was always unpleasant for him to listen to women’s gossip and nonsense, and it was doubly unpleasant for him that it was pouring out of the mouth of his woman. He hadn’t even considered being intimate with Eve.

«I think we need to break up for a little while,» Jean says, «about five minutes, so close your eyes and pretend I’m not here.» And I’ll close my eyes and pretend you’re not here. This is a new way not to fight. Because if we continue now, I’m afraid that I’ll say a lot of things that will push us apart. There’s a lot I can say, «Jean says angrily, and Elona feels like he’s on edge and about to explode.

«Okay,» Elona says after a short pause, and closes her eyes.

It’s not easy for Elona to lie down with her eyes closed, because she wants to move and talk. Elona starts counting the seconds so that she can open her eyes as soon as the five minutes are up. First, Elona counts to sixty and bends one finger on her hand, then again to sixty and bends the other finger. As soon as Elona’s entire hand is clenched into a fist, she opens her eyes and looks at Jean. He lies with his eyes open and stares at the ceiling.

«Feeling better?» Elona asks Jean.

«Yes,» says Jean.

«Did you close your eyes for the entire five minutes?» Elona asks, already sitting over Jean.

Jean doesn’t say anything, because he doesn’t think he’s opened them yet. It seems to him that he lives with his eyes closed, and when he opens them, he will be afraid. – Why don’t you say anything for the whole five minutes or not?»

«For the whole five minutes,» Jean says softly, looking up at the ceiling as if he’s looking up at the sky he’s waiting to escape.

«Did you see her wart, by the way?»

«Leave mealone.

«No,» Elona rises above him, «you saw her wart right here,» she points to his shoulder. A hairy one like a birthmark. Phew, «she says, wrinkling her face in disgust.

«Leave me alone, I didn’t see anything.»

«How?» She exclaims indignantly, hovering over him like a cloud, and then narrows her eyes. «You obviously had something going on with her,» she says suspiciously.

«No,» Jean says simply.

«Yes,» Elona says, looking him straight in the eye, as if she’s being interrogated.

– no.

– yes.

– no!

– yes!

– no!

– Yes-a!!

Jean looks at Elona with uncomprehending eyes and thinks that if Elona is so insistent, then… at least then the attacks from Elona will be deserved.

14

Jean delivers a monologue on the stage of the theater. He stands, asking for the silhouette of a man made of wire. Jean probably thinks it’s his ex-love. The woman he loved, but who ceased to exist for him after the love passed.

You and I are now like a burst balloon that the universe once inflated.

You and me – there’s no such thing anymore. This place,

which is not on the life map.

You and me – it’s more like a bluff of circumstances,

a joke you don’t want to laugh at.

You and me. Why don’t you say something? Tell me something.»

You ask what color it is. I don’t remember. Probably green. And it doesn’t matter.

Me and you are a cloud that has dissolved in space,

apple cut in half,

a torn bundle of energy, a heart split in two.

A day and night that will never meet again.

And the most important thing is that we no longer exist for each other.

You and me. Why are you looking at me like this for the last time?

You ask me what color it was after all. I don’t remember.

Probablye, blue.

You and me – the world no longer listens to this melody.

You and I are karma that has ceased to be a reality,

this is an illusion that has ended at its peak.

Theseare two coasts that are too far apart.

You and me. Well, why do you inhale, as if we say goodbye forever.

Why are you sighing? It’s like forever exists.

You’re asking me again what color the ball was?

I really don’t remember.

But I would give anything for its color to be the color of the future, «says Jean, and touches the cubes to the void where the lips of the former lover should be located.

«Okay, stop! Eve shouts. «The kiss isn’t convincing.» No one asks you to kiss her passionately. But you must kiss her deeply, as if she still exists. The audience should see that you are not kissing an empty space, but that you are kissing a person who was once dear to you. Teach you more and teach! Eva says, sighing. The last sentence is unconvincing. It feels like you’ve never been in love, and you’ve never had a breakup.

«I’m not an actor,» Jean says, confused. – I never learned that.

«My dear fellow, such childish excuses are not accepted. In order to be able to kiss in institutes, it is not necessary to study. To do this, it is quite enough to have a heart. Well, kiss me again! Or do you want me to go up on stage and show you how to say goodbye to love and kiss goodbye to someone who was once love?

Eva’s hair is disheveled, and she’s dressed very badly, practically in rags. Eve had dressed so that she wouldn’t let her instincts run wild and start flirting with Jean. Eva had a tradition of always falling in love with her actors. But when the work on the play ended, the love passed and the passion died out. But this time Eve decided to go off the beaten path, outwardly she wanted to look as bad as possible in front of Jean, so as not to give herself any reason to think and dream that something was possible between them. Morals have nothing to do with it, Eva is simply afraid of losing energy, which becomes less and less with the course of her illness.

«Son, if you lick this empty space with a piece of wire around it, the first half of the room will be sick from such frankness, and the second half of the room will be covered with laughter,» Eve comments, catching Jean’s every move. «Teach you and teach you, teach you and teach you. It’s just a pity you don’t learn anything.

15

Lena’s plans did not include giving birth to a baby for not only a few years, but several lifetimes. Because even in the next life, Lena was going to serve the art and be an assistant director to the fullest and with the last of her strength. But then the unexpected happened, Lena’s critical days were lost, and Lena couldn’t even remember the last time they were. She would not have noticed the loss of these very days at all, since she was lost in thoughts of the theater, if she had not kept a record of all purchases. It was from her that Lena realized that she hadn’t spent money on gaskets for a long time, and there was a whole unopened pack in her closet.

Lena walked over to a large cabinet with mirrored doors and turned sideways, putting her hand on her stomach. It seemed to her that it was a little bigger than usual. Lenochka couldn’t bear to think that she, the director’s assistant, Eva’s own right-hand man, could have made such a mistake by accidentally getting pregnant by her husband. Lenochka tried to remember the last time she and her husband had sex, but she couldn’t remember it. She must have been thinking about something else at the time, about the production or about Eva, and it didn’t matter what her husband was doing to her at that time. Lenochka taught herself not to be distracted by small things. Thinking about the baby and the pregnancy, Lenochka couldn’t believe that her own body could have set her up like this.

In the first years of marriage, Lenochka was protected so as not to get pregnant, and then she experimentally found out for herself that pregnancy does not occur, even if she had intimacy with her husband without means to protect against pregnancy. After that, she breathed a sigh of relief. She thought that her body was on her side, because her body also wants to serve the theater, just like her soul. But her body failed her, she became pregnant. Lenochka knew for a fact that her body had gotten pregnant out of spite. It got pregnant surreptitiously, in a sneaky way, just at the moment when Lenochka should be giving all her strength to the theater and the production.

There were no other options – only an abortion. But Lenochka was hurt and scared. She sat down on the sofa, put her hands to her face, and tried to cry. But the tears refused to come. It all happened so suddenly. If Lenochka hadn’t realized by the presence of a whole package of pads, then she would hardly have guessed from her state of health that she was pregnant. It was as if her body did this on the sly and did not give her any signals or opportunities to understand that she was already in her third month. Lenochka again realized from the number of women’s sanitary pads that she was already in her third month. Lena had no toxicosis, no dizziness, nothing but the absence of critical days, which could make her think about her interesting situation, which in her case was extremely uninteresting, and even criminal.

Lenochka never associated herself with a mother changing diapers, and she did not understand those women who go to hospitals, being treated for infertility, and kneel in church, begging for a baby. She didn’t need a baby. Lenochka remembered that at the beginning of her married life she was very afraid of becoming a mother, and she even dreamed of a baby in an astronaut’s costume flying in the space of her womb and winking merrily at her. After such a dream, Lenochka would wake up in a cold sweat. «I don’t want a baby! «What is it?» she said, afraid that this might happen. «I don’t want a baby, I don’t want a baby.» And the next night, her husband always got a refusal from her in bed, just in case, as they say.

A baby-that meant the end of everything for Lena. The end of her career, the end of communication with Eva, the end of her life in the theater, and therefore the end of her life with illusions that Lenochka loved more than real life. The unborn baby in her womb could not yet speak or walk, but it could already sign a death sentence for what Lenochka loved most – the theater.

«I hope it’s not too late,» Lenochka said to herself, trying to calm herself down. – And if it’s late, it’s still not too late for me.» I’ll find a doctor, it’s my body and my business, I’ll do whatever I want with it.» Lenochka realized that it was impossible to delay and therefore decided to urgently make an appointment with a doctor. But she couldn’t get up from the couch to her feet, her muscles were numb, and she couldn’t feel her legs. Lenochka realized that her legs were numb due to extreme nervous tension. She had already done this once before, when there was a fire in their house and Lena couldn’t leave the apartment. But then everything worked out fine, so Lena hoped that it would work out just like that time, and the art would not suffer. Lenochka believed that she should fulfill her mission as an assistant director. She knew that no one could work as hard as she did. «If necessary,» Lenochka said to herself mentally,«I’ll crawl to this phone.» And after a minute, Lena got down on her knees in front of the couch, and then got down on all fours to crawl towards it. Because at the moment, she associated the phone with salvation. The salvation of her art, which was threatenedby the child sitting in her womb.

16

Eva loves to break the geometry of her room, because it’s easier for her to think in a mess. Sometimes, in order to think properly, Eve needs everything turned upside down. Therefore, the chair is on its side, the table is also turned on its side, the curtains are torn from the window, and on the floor there is always something lying around either a broken vase or a jar of jam. Today Eve smashed a three-liter jar of jam on the floor. Eve isn’t sure if looking at all of this will give her any new thoughts. But most often the thought comes. So Eva lies on the couch, snapping seeds and contemplating what she’s turned her room into.

Eva looks at the broken jam jar, waiting for images from it. She tells herself not to strain herself, because the images should come naturally. But Eve’s tense all the same. She thinks carefully about what this jar of currant jam on the floor looks like. But the associations that come to her mind do not please Eva, because jam looks like baked blood. Currant jam is Eva’s favorite jam. As a child, my mother often cooked it in incredible quantities, and no one ate it. Earlier in their childhood, they had a lot of black and red currants. And they collected it every summer. Most of the jam cooked in the summer for the winter was not eaten, but remained on the shelves. But that didn’t bother Eva’s mother, and she made just as much currant jam the following summer. As a result, it turned out to be so much that you could swim in it, if it were not so thick, of course.

As a child, it wasn’t that Eva didn’t like currant jam, but rather that it was a stranger to her. Even in her food at that time, everything rare, mysterious and mysterious attracted her. As for the currant jam, it was too much for her to appreciate. But then, three and a half decades later, everything changed, and Eva fell in love with currant jam, because through it she could touch her childhood, her mother and father, who were already impossible to return. Eva didn’t have to eat jam, but she needed a three-liter jar of jam in her apartment, not even in the most conspicuous place. The main thing is that Eva knows that it exists, and then it becomes warmer in her soul. Eve knew that if she broke this jar, she would buy another one tomorrow and put it on the shelf. But she did not regret that it had to be broken, because art requires sacrifice.

Eva had started thinking about her parents more often lately, but she wasn’t happy about it, because she had to think about the play. She was afraid of stirring up a hornet’s nest with her thoughts. And that’s mostly what’s always happened. Eva thought of her father more often than her mother. Because her mother was too much of an earth woman, and Eve didn’t understand her very well. Eve’s father was a religious fanatic, which is why Eve was called by the biblical name – Eve, which meant life. But for all his religious beliefs, Eva’s father was a very tolerant person. And it didn’t bother him that when he prayed at dinner, little Eve found it funny and made faces at him. He was not angry; his heart was given to God, just as Eve’s heart was now given to the theater. Apparently, without an altar, there was no life for them, and they were ready to defend this altar, throwing themselves into the embrasure of misunderstanding on the part of others who wanted to destroy what was sacred to them. Perhaps Eva had inherited it, she needed to serve something. Therefore, the family as such did not exist for her. My father spent most of his time in prayer, was very withdrawn, and worked hard on the land. Eva had once asked him if he had ever wanted to be such a pious man all his life, and his father had said that he hadn’t always been like that. He said that for a while he loved life in all its forms, until he became disillusioned with it. And after that, he decided to live the idea of service. Then the words of her father seemed incomprehensible to Eva, and only after years she understood their true meaning, she became like him, only she prayed for the theater and the theater. Her religion was theater.