TIDA

Muhit and Mereke stayed in the hallway of the hospital in desire to be closer to their son. They had nothing to say to each other. So they were waiting for the news from the intensive therapy room quietly. Mereke couldn’t help but cry quietly from time to time. And Muhit was trying to comfort her by patting her shoulders.

Chapter 2. Breakdown

The grief which happened to Muhit really knocked him down. Kanat died without regaining consciousness after staying in the intensive care room for a couple of days. He disappeared as a bright ray of son. He shone their lives bright but didn’t even say good-bye and left them stay on the Earth. On the dull and perishable Earth where everything reminded of him and grieved. Pavel, as his close friend, noticed it when he visited him to express his condolences when he came to Kyzylorda. It was hard to recognize Muhit. His face was twisted with pain. If some other people didn’t notice this, it said much to his friend. And even more… He was a broken person then but he had always been a cheerful and sympathetic friend of his before. His lively eyes were empty, the look was spread. Pavel saw his friend in such condition for the first time and it confused him. He didn’t appear at his work for a month or so. He disappeared, faded away…It started concerning Pavel. He tried to call him but Muhit didn’t answer his calls. Attempts to find him didn’t give him a successful result. Nobody opened the door of his house. Neighbors didn’t know anything about him whether he was home or not. It all concerned Pavel very much but he didn’t lose hope to find Muhit. He wanted to speak as a friend to him. Although he didn’t know what to do and the way the problem might be solved. This despair and anxiety was noticed by his colleagues at work and it was surprising for them because it was not characteristic of Pavel. He was always very tactful and reserved even at the times it was hard to be whether speaking of private or working deals. However he was not just worried about the fact that he couldn’t find his friend but for something he was really scared of deep down. It was concern to find him safe and sound…. His colleagues were aware of the fact that he had a tragedy in his family and he was in mourning then. Nobody could even imagine what he was feeling. Perhaps each of them wanted to learn about him from his friend but even Pavel was scared of those questions. He just had nothing to say. He didn’t want to lie to them but what’s more,he didn’t want to lie to himself. Those thoughts were wearing him down. And once he decided to fix the following situation and went straight to his house.

Each time he was going through the conversation in his mind. Even though they were arguing a lot, each of them always gave a pleasant smile at the end of conversation. He missed those moments the most. But he was mostly concerned by Mereke’s calls. He knew that she wasn’t home next to Muhit, she stayed at her parents’ house in Aktau. So the concern for his friend was as heavy as the rock. The rock was named Muhit. The rock which also needed some support. And even being at the edge of the abyss, the rock didn’t want to acknowledge that…

He decided to walk to his house. He wanted to think over the conversation in case he was really lucky to meet him. Deep inside he didn’t even have hope for that. But a minute's hope was still warming him inside. The journey to Muhit’s house took him around an hour. Letting the passersby go and trying not to pay attention to them, he was trying to imagine the moment they met inside of his mind. The upcoming conversation was really scaring him. But a desire to meet and hug his friend as he used to do in the past was incredible.

He got to Muhit’s house and stayed by the door for some time. Then he decided to knock on his door. Nobody opened it. He was standing by the door thinking and turned around when he heard the sound of an upcoming person. The person smelt badly. He had a beard and shaggy hair covered with a cap which was shifted from his head didn’t let anybody see his face. He had a bottle with some liquid in his hand, Pavel didn’t even want to know what it was. Pavel wanted to let him pass by and pulled over to the door behind and started to even cover his nose. But that person looked directly at him and asked in a grumpy and strange but familiar voice:

– 

Why did you come? Won’t you let me in, to my home? Get out of my door,– the stranger said angrily.

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Who are you?,– asked him Pavel. At that time he tried to take a closer look in the eyes of the stranger.

– 

Why are you standing here by the door? Who did you come to? I mean, let me in my home,– he grunted in response.

– 

Is that you, Muhit? I’m sorry I didn’t recognize you. Look at the way you look. I’m glad to see you,– he attempted to come closer and give him a hug.

– 

Don’t hug me, Pasha. You'll get dirty. Why are you here? I don’t want to see anyone. He addressed him walking through the opened door. I came to you to have a talk. Will you meet your friend this way now? It’s not characteristic of you. If you don’t let me in, I will not come back here anymore.– he said sharply. After speaking provocatively, he turned around as if leaving. After some pause he answered:

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Pasha come in. Yes you are a friend of mine and you can be angry with me and tell me any words but now… I didn’t expect to see you,– he said quietly, wiping his eyes. He left and went inside of the room. Pavel came in and was shocked by the surroundings of the house. The house was in a terrible mess. There were empty alcohol bottles everywhere. The smell of the spilled on the floor liquid was cutting the nose. The wallpaper was drawn with a marker and ripped off in some places. A big mirror in the hallway was broken and there were spots of blood on it.

– 

I am sorry Muhit that I came with no disclaimer. I wanted to see you. I think we should’ve talked. What would I say, Muhit? I am sorry that you lost your son. Kanat was like a son to me. Accept this loss my friend. Of course, I never wish anyone to experience this. But you? You, Muhit, will break for this? I’ve seen enough now,– sadly said Pavel.

– 

And what now? Are you ashamed of me? No one makes you stay. You can leave now. You say my Kanat was like a son to you? Who cares for that and who remembers that? Did you come here to remind me of that? Where were you when I felt bad? When everything screamed inside of me. What can I say about it? You haven’t seen me this way and now you are horrified? I’m not happy with my appearance as well. But I can’t do anything about it now. Do you think it’s easy for me? I can’t go through the pain in my soul. It is killing me inside. My boy Kanat was like yesterday…. Why did you leave me here Pasha? Tell me, you know,– he asked sarcastically, sipping from the bottle.

– 

It’s my karma which got me Pasha. Don't understand me? Who am I for my fate? Just some bug. And if it was, it was like this… I am worse, Pasha,– continued Muhit sarcastically, and began to empty the bottle.

– 

Muhit, I’ve always been near you. It was you who gid in your shell and now you are making faces at me. Or are my tears for him different? You can be angry because something went wrong this or other way. You can start and continue your life as if fate never challenged you. It doesn’t seem mad to me. Who are you, Muhit? Will you just give up? I will not believe in that, my friend. I understand you as no one can. Do you think that sitting here and drinking could make him alive? What have you turned your life to? Where are Mereke and Karlygash? Tell me. Didn’t you say that you valued your family the most? It’s all very strange. It’s not just strange that you are broken. It’s strange that you didn’t stay next to your loved ones,– turning at him, Pavel looked him in his eyes. The eyes full of tears were looking at his wounded soul and couldn’t do anything about it. At that moment, he noticed a piece of paper falling out of his pocket. He had a chance to see the details. It was the photo of Kanat. The photo of his son was lying on the floor and wasn’t noticed by his father. Ut looked bravely but sadly at his father. As if it was an invisible spirit it tried to be present and horrify… It was horrified by the one who its father turned to. It was horrified by the amount of transformation the grief, his death, brought to the life of his some- time- ago loved father.. He was looking from the photo, waving his arms as a far echo. No one knew what both Pavel and Muhit would have in the future. The fate was swinging now around each of them. The hurricane of events was coming. It was coming according to the laws of life, known only by it.

– 

Muhit, pick up the photo. It fell off your pocket. It will get dirty for sure,– politely addressed him Pavel, pointing his finger at it.

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My handsome boy. I’m so sorry for not shielding you. It was my fault that you left us so small,– murmured Muhit in a low voice, quickly kissed the photo and put it back in his pocket.

– 

Would you be the one to judge me, Pasha? Do you think I’m wasting my life? Well, maybe you’re right. Who are you and who am I now? I’ve reached the bottom. I am a useless drunkard, Pasha. Do you think it’s easy for me and I don’t think about anything? If only I could live this way, my friend. I’m even scared to ask God for anything. Shall I ask and lose it? How can I go on, Pavel? I’m disappointed in everything. Who else could I tell about it but you. But I would be really surprised if you didn’t know all of that. Pasha, look how handsome he was. He is looking at me as if he isn’t happy I’m not with him as well. I was his rock. I was but didn’t become… I really wanted to be someone important and necessary to him in life. I wanted to teach him everything I know. I wanted to show him the world the way I knew it. Why are all people happy and upset about…. Yes, I dare to say so after what I’ve experienced. Frankly speaking, I’m sick of this world because it is a pure evil which takes happiness away from us. What shall I aim, Pasha? Tell me. To the things which you’ll eventually lose? This photo, it’s the only one I have. It is my savior and my death at the same time now… Look, how handsome he was… Look at the way he is laughing, Pasha. He laughed so rarely for his short life so, Pasha, does it mean that I was the only one I lived for? Mereke and my daughter left me alone. Maybe they wanted me to accept the loss as a fact and took away all of his photos. And I don’t want to think this way… It hurts to think that I could kill him with my inaction. It seems to me that I am a useless man, a useless doctor. But perhaps the word “doctor” doesn’t relate to me after everything that has happened. Who needs me after turning away from me? Only my son needed me and God took him away from me. Why? Tell me why do we lose our children? Is it all a challenge for us? Let this challenge go to hell then! To hell! I was supposed to be in his shoes. He is there, instead of me, Pasha. I am tortured by this guilt. Why doesn’t God take us? Aren’t our lives enough? Every day I die with my son in my mind and you know, it makes me happy… I’m happy that I laugh with him and I'm close to him… I tell him some of my stories and he listens to me attentively. I can even feel his tight handshake. Pasha, can you imagine it can be this way… And he doesn’t want to leave me, however strange it is… But the morning comes and everything goes on again. I anticipated this tragedy, my friend. I knew that something was going to happen. I feel everything, Pasha. I saw some kind of giant or some creature which wanted to tell me something. At least I felt it by the look of his eyes. The giant was looking at me with desperate eyes. It was a sign, Pasha. It wanted to warn me about something. Do you think these were just dreams? If only it was this way. If only we understood everything the fate wanted to tell is or prevent from… Unfortunately I can’t get out of this circle, Pasha. Aren’t you a father as well? You saw the way I lived, how happy I was and having my plans for life… It came out that our life is just a fiction. Just one empty lie, Pasha? Even though he was suffering from cerebral palsy, I was getting ready to make his life easier… I never regretted that I had a son with such a diagnosis. The only thing important for me was to just be next to him. Just be next to him to always have a chance to kiss him… And what’s now? All of my knowledge, all my experience, was it an empty idea, my friend? There’s no meaning in anything! That’s what I understood. I lost my rock. This is probably how people die. So I will disappear and no one will notice… None of my presence and my tears, my friend,– he sobbed looking at the photograph.

– 

You are right, Muhit. Yes, sometimes life gives us challenges, it happens. I believe each of your words. But I have nothing to say back. And I don’t think that you’ve lost your mind. You are adequate, indeed. But because you see and know that Life crushes everything around and takes your closest people away from you. Of course, if only all of those hardships would avoid us… Muhit, don’t blame anyone. Everything has a God willing. Time will heal and put everything in the right place. Be strong. Accept what happened as a fact and let his soul go to heaven. You are doing no good for him by not letting him go because of your bad pain. Do it for him, Muhit… A true power of a person is not found in impulses and emotions. I feel it’s found in calmness and awareness of what happened… I’m not sure if it’s appropriate but I want to say that every person needs a goal. Please, listen up, Muhit. If it’s right or not, that’s not what I’m talking about. The goal changes the person. The scale of the goal changes the scale of the person. In each challenging life circumstances the person survives because of their goal. Such people are different. And this goal keeps a person together so that they would strive for something, Muhit. Now I don’t see it, this basis of yours, my friend, Muhit. Haven’t we gone through many things? We have seen the good and the evil. We gave people hope to live and enjoyed when we managed to change somebody’s life for the good. Wasn’t it our dream when we entered medical school and decided to be doctors? So pull yourself together, my friend,– Pavel looked at him sadly. Muhit had tears running down on his cheeks and didn’t even attempt to stop them. They were sliding down and disappeared in his gray beard.

As if they disappeared in the sand…

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Pasha, you know me. If only I could get it all back. Could I ask my fate about this? I blame myself for his death, my friend. It is so. I can’t see my reflection in the mirror. I’m sick of myself, my friend. Answer me, Pasha, how can I live on? How can I ignore the fact that I’m that very Muhit? I can’t do so, Pasha, and you know it. I would want to be lying in the wet ground instead of him. Because he had to live for many years,– he said in a shaken voice.

– 

Muhit, that’s not the way I imagined our conversation. And I really expected that we might have had a calm, close talk… Perhaps I came at the wrong time. I hit home with my visit… I’d better go. You are the only one who has answers for all of your questions. Whoever you’ve been, I’ll always be your friend. Remember that. And I will not stay aside in case you need me. I will visit you again in a couple of days and maybe then we’ll manage to talk. We’ll talk seriously and not emotionally. Is it a deal, Muhit?,– he said and stood up from his chair and walked in the direction of the door. Just for a moment he noticed some kind of a smile on his face while he was looking at his son’s photo but it disappeared right away.

– 

To speak in a calm manner? If only everything that you said would be this way, Pasha. If only everything you said was not like this. But what’s the point of awareness if the heart is bleeding? There is no remedy from it, unfortunately. I’ll be waiting for you, Pasha,– he said in the empty space and Pavel didn’t hear it while going downstairs.

After coming back home, Pavel couldn’t get himself together for a long time. The conversation with Muhit didn’t leave his mind. Even his wife noticed something strange. She noticed that he was concerned and during the dinner she asked him:

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Pavel, is everything okay with you? Is there anything wrong with your job? You didn’t even touch the food… Shall you have some rest? This new position of yours has really worn you out… Perhaps you should refuse your new position of the head of the department? You didn’t want to have it from the beginning. You are a good doctor. Let somebody else take this position… Do you think it’s pleasant for me as well? I see that something is going on,– his wife Irina stood up worried.

– 

You know, Irisha, I visited Muhit today. Yes, it was him. But I couldn’t recognize the poor thing right away. I’m afraid something bad might happen if I don’t stop him. All my mind is occupied with him, Irisha. I’m sorry. I was not just terrified by his appearance. I was terrified by his words, sweetheart. His words cut me like a knife… Those were the words of a father who truly and madly loved his child… It’s not even about the fact that I’ve been asked about him all these days at work. But I can’t do anything at work after that… I feel so sorry for him anyways. He is my only friend. I couldn’t even recognize him. The grief, the tragic loss of his son is killing him, poor thing he is. He is drinking over all possible limits. He will destroy himself this way. I need to visit him again in a couple of days. I promised him. Maybe he didn’t hear my words but when I was walking away, I told him so. But as his friend I want to be honest with him and keep my word. And I will do so. He has nobody around now, all alone, It is me who has to help him to break this vicious circle now. Otherwise all of us will lose this great person… That’s what I saw at his home,– he said sadly and thoughtfully.

– 

Yeah, I agree with you, Pavel. He is a great person. Help him if it’s possible. Even his wife is not around him, which is a pity… You said she calls you rarely… Why did she leave that poor thing alone? Pavel, let me heat your dinner up again. You need to eat. You shouldn’t torture yourself with his problems. I’ve been worried for you, Pavel,– she said with a concerned look.

– 

Yes, she calls me every week and cries all the time. She wants to learn about him. Who else could she also call but me? Do you think I should’ve told him about her calls today? Should I’ve told him so that he would begin blaming himself for that one as well? What a fool I’ve been! I was covering myself up with work while he was suffering… And now I understand Mereke. She didn’t leave him forever. She knows him so well. She knows his personality. She knows that he will not let everyone live until he sorts all the things out. That’s how his brain works, Irisha. He is Muhit and he has to go till the end… He has to understand and realize what happened. To accept what happened and, the most crucial part, understand himself. How didn’t I get it right away? It is not in the power of anyone to realize what happened to his son. But he is not a simple person. He will not just give up. And if I know him right, he is this kind of person! Oh, my friend. You have the right to be offended with me. That I started understanding you only now. Thank you, Irina, for your conversation. Now I’m really hungry. Oh, Irisha, this is how all of us, men, are. We are complicated and simple. It’s like everything is concealed but if you take a closer look, everything is located on the surface,– he said to his wife in a more lively manner.

– 

Pavel, you are so smart. Do what you intend. And if your heart says that you’re doing the right thing, go ahead then. We are also growing kids… I know how much you value your friendship with Muhit. Pavel, I got so moved while I was listening to you. And I understand him now. And poor Mereke! How is she now? She feels twice as hard,– she was saying that while watching her beloved husband operating with silvery deftly, while eating.

– 

Thank you for these words. You have never been more right. That’s what I’m thinking about. That he needs those important words. And I have some hope that our conversation hasn’t been useless. But what is waiting for us in the future? You know, Irina, I have a feeling that he needs some kind of support. He needs something to push away and leave that place. The place which might not let him go now. Yes, I felt it all today and I guess I need to think more. I need to think more and get prepared for our next conversation,– he said that without raising his head and went on with his dinner.

These two days have gone so fast. Pavel had an image of his friend all these days. He was tensed by the idea that his friend might not be eager to see him. He left his job a little earlier and headed to Muhit’s place again. He took some food with him and went upstairs right to his apartment. The door was not locked, he pushed it and went in. Muhit was sleeping on the sopha. Nothing had changed as it was before. The things were all around. The empty alcohol bottles were thrown everywhere around. It all caught Pavel’s eyes. After thinking for a little he opened the window to let the fresh air in. The fresh flow came up to the room right away. He took off his jacket and started cleaning up. He took away all unnecessary things, including the empty bottles. Muhit was still sleeping tightly. And only when he started to move chairs which were lying on the floor, he heard his groaning.

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Who’s here? Who are you? Walk away whoever you are,– he said in a rude sleepy voice.

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It’s enough to lay here as an old man. You’ve been lying here and trying to command me. You’d better help me,– shortly but confidently said Pavel and started laughing, surprised by himself.

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Is that you, Pasha? What are you doing here? What have you done to the room? Have I asked you to do something? I don’t wanna see you. Thank you, indeed, but leave me alone. I’m not ready to talk to you today,– he said, confused but showing his unpleasure, still lying on the sopha.

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I've heard you, Muhit. You are feeling sorry for yourself that’s why you’ve been doing this to you. What are you looking like? What does your apartment look like? Is that you, Muhit? Is that Muhit who always gave me valuable pieces of advice?! Get ready. We’re going to my home. Irina cooked something there. She’s not home so we’ll spend some time there. She went to Almaty to see her parents. You’ll eat. And take a shower as well. When was the last time you ate something, Muhit? If you wish, I can be silent…. Just let me help you clean up here,– he said puting the tissue away.

– 

What kind of food? Have you lost your mind, Pasha? Let it all go to hell. Please, leave, Pasha. You see that I’m not ready for anything. You hurt me with your presence, Pasha. Or is it pleasant for you to torture me with yoyr questions?-

Muhit asked him as if begging.

– 

Muhit, you remember I told you I was feeling low? It happened, remember? Nothing was going well for me. The work was all wrecked, my wife was sick and hospitalized… I needed to be everything and be on time. I told you then why everything was going wrong for me. Unlike the others. I experienced a sudden happiness and sadness and concern for my family. It was throwing me back and forth… Do you remember, Muhit? Everything around seemed to be one solid problem. And you told me only one phrase which put everything in its place right away… You told me then: what do you want, Pasha? You are a doctor and always need to hold your head high. That many people watch us and find some kind of support in us. At least some kind of support. Life is like a heart rate monitor. Yeah, that’s what you said. And I was even surprised by your response. And it is actually true. Doesn’t everything we see and everything happening prove your theory? I told myself you were a genius then. You noticed everything around and made such a comparison. It’s true, a heart rate is jumping up and down, a straight line is for the dead… So you have to remember that life is all about ups and downs. It will remind you that you have to go back. Did your words help me then? Obviously, they did, Muhit. But now take your own words back and address them to your own self! Yes, you’re having a really hard time now, I understand! I don’t judge you for doing all of these to yourself recently. Find yourself, my friend! You are the only one who’s able to answer all the questions in your head! Take a sit and watch other people who lost all of their families. Listen to what they were dreaming about… Haven’t you seen such people while working? You might be on top of your happiness. Maybe you’ve got everything many people are wishing for? It’s your life and your family… You are safe and sound, you have your arms and legs… Yes, you lost a son. But you lost him, not killed yourself. Remember that. I understand that your heart is broken. But you’re a man. It’s time to stop running away from yourself but make decisions. Once and forever. You have always done it. It’s characteristic only of you,– he said standing up.