The Mirror of Literature, Amusement, and Instruction. Volume 10, No. 275, September 29, 1827

"Weel, weel, then," quo' the Heelandman, "I don't care naething about it. If he's no your grandfaither, he'll be your faither, or your brither, or your cousin."

"My faither or my brither, or my cousin!" repeated Mr. Weft. "I maun tell ye plainly, frien', that I hae neither faither, nor brither, nor cousin of ony description on this side of the grave. I dinna understand ye, honest man, but I reckon that ye hae sat ower lang at the whisky, and my advice to ye is to stap awa hame and sleep it aff."

At this speech the Heelandman lost a' patience, and lookit sae awfully fairce, that ance or twice I was on the nick of coming forrit, and explaining how matters really stood; but curiosity keepit me chained to the back shop, and I just thocht I would bide a wee, and see how the affair was like to end.

"Pray, wha are you, sir?" said Donald, putting his hands in his sides, and looking through his specks upon Mr. Weft, like a deevil incarnit. "Wha are you, sir, that daar to speak to me in this manner?"

"Wha am I?" said the ither, drapping the remnant of the paper, which was burnin' close to his fingers. "I am Saunders Weft, manufacturir In Hamilton—that's what I am."

"And I am Tonald Campbell, piper's sister's son to his grace the great, grand Tuke of Argyle," thundered out the Heelandman, wi' a voice that was fearsome to hear.

"And what about that?" quo' Mr. Weft, rather snappishly, as I thocht. "If ye were the great, grand Duke of Argyle himself, as ye ca' him, I'll no permit you to kick up a dust in my shop."

"Ye scounrel," said Donald, seizing Mr. Weft by the throat, and shaking him till he tottered like an aspen leaf, "div ye mean to speak ill of his grace the Tuke of Argyle?" And he gi'ed him anither shake—then, laying haud of his nose, he swore that he would pu't as lang as a cow's tail, if he didna that instant restore him his lost property. At this sicht I began to grew a' ower, and now saw the needcessity of stapping ben, and saving my employer frae farther damage, bodily and itherwise. Nae sooner had I made my appearance than Donald let go his grip of Mr. Weft's nose, and the latter, in a great passion, cried out, "William M'Gee, I tak ye to witness what I hae sufferit frae this bluid-thirsty Heelandman! It's no to be endured in a Christian country. I'll hae the law of him, that I will. I'll be whuppit but I'll hae amends, although it costs me twenty pounds!"

"What's the matter?" quo' I, pretending ignorance of the haill concern. "What, in the name of Nebuchadnezzar, has set ye thegither by the lugs?" Then Mr. Weft began his tale, how he had been collared and weel nigh thrappled in his ain shop;—then the ither tauld how, in the first place, Mr. Weft's grandfather, as he ca'd Nosey, had stolen his note, and how, in the second place, Mr. Weft himsell had insulted the great, grand Duke of Argyle. In a word, there was a desperate kick-up between them, the ane threeping that he would tak the law of the ither immediately. Na, in this respect Donald gaed the greatest lengths, for he swore that, rather than be defeat, he wad carry his cause to the house of lords, although it cost him thretty pounds sterling. I now saw it was time to put in a word.

"Houts-touts, gentlemen," quo' I, "what's the use of a' this clishmaclaver? Ye've baith gotten the wrang sow by the lug, or my name's no William M'Gee. I'll wager ye a pennypiece, that my monkey, Nosey is at the bottom of the business."

Nae sooner had I spoken the word, than the twa, looking round the shop, spied the beastie sitting upon the shelf girning at them, and putting out his tongue, and wiggle-waggling his walking-stick ower his left elbow, as if he had been playing upon the fiddle. Mr. Weft at this apparition set up a loud lauch; his passion left him in a moment, when he saw the ridiculous mistake that the Heelandman had fa'en into, and I thocht he would hae bursted his sides wi' evendown merriment. At first Donald lookit desperate angry, and judging frae the way he was twisting about his mouth and rowing his een, I opined that he intended some deadly skaith to the monkey. But his gude sense, of which Heelandmen are no a'thegither destitute, got the better of his anger, and he roared and lauched like the very mischief. Nor was this a', for nae sooner had he began to lauch, than the monkey did the same thing, and held its sides in precisely the same manner, imitating his actions, in the maist amusin' way imaginable. This only set Donald a lauching mair than ever, and when he lifted up his nieve, and shook it at Nosey in a gude humoured way, what think ye that the cratur did? Odds man, he took the note frae his pouch, whare it lay rowed up like a baw, and, papping it at Donald, hit him as fairly upon the nose, as if it had been shot out of a weel-aimed musket. There was nae resisting this. The haill three, or rather the haill four, for Nosey joined us, set up a loud lauch; and the Heelandman's was the loudest of a', showing that he was really a man of sense, and could tak a joke as weel as his neighbours.

When the lauchin' had a wee subsided, Mr. Campbell, in order to show that he had nae ill wull to Mr. Weft, ax'd his pardon for the rough way he had treated him, but the worthy manufacturer wadna hear o't. "Houts, man," quo' he, "dinna say a word about it. It's a mistak a'thegether, and Solomon himsell, ye ken, whiles gaed wrang." Whereupon the Heelandman bought a Kilmarnock nichtcap, price elevenpence happeny, frae Mr. Weft, and paid him wi' part of the very note that brocht on the ferly I hae just been relating. But his gude wull didna end here, for he insisted on takin' us a'—Nosey amang the lave—to the nearest public, where he gi'ed us a frien'ly glass, and we keepit tawking about monkeys, and what not, in a manner at ance edifying and amusing to hear.—Blackwood's Magazine.

SCOTCH SONG

The lassie we love and the friend we can trust,And a bumper to wash from our spirits the rust;Then let gear-scraping carls make o' life catch-the-plack,And strod to the de'il wi' the trash on their back.This life is a garden where all choose their posies:In the spring of our youth let us gather the roses;For brief is their bloom like the dews of the morn,If you seek them too late you will find but a thorn.If Care steal amang us he's narrowly watch'd,By a smile or a squeeze of the hand he's dispatch'd;Or the arm of a friend should the stout villain meet,One blink of true love lays him dead at your feet.Then fill up a glass to the absent and dear—May their lives be serene as their breasts are sincere;And to crown our true bliss, let us give, ere we part—May we have in our arms whom we love in our heart.

London Weekly Review.

THE SKETCH-BOOK

No. XLVII

MATCHES IN TEENS

"To marry!—Why, every man plays the fool once in his life—but to marry is playing the fool all one's life long."—CONGREVE.

There is something so satisfactory in knowing at once the limit of your fortunes—in making yourself secure in the first instance of that happiness to which all your exertions are directed,—which is in fact the end and aim of your worldly existence, and of all your worldly toils—the enjoyment of domestic peace and love;—in quenching that restless, burning anxiety, which is ever busy within the bosom of the young and the aspiring. Marrying early, in fact, is taking time by the forelock, and leading your future destinies after you, instead of suffering yourself to be led and tossed about by them,—it is tearing away the black veil from the brow of futurity, and perusing all her lineaments in her own despite. It is [he continued with an oratorical attitude] building your fate upon a rock—"

"Ah!" I exclaimed, "stop there—that rock is so commonplace."

Harry laughed and went on with his argument.—"Besides, there is the gratification of making yourself considered in society—which no single man is. A single man is a kind of protected or licensed vagabond—rambling to and fro without stamp or mark, as Witwould might say,—like a sheep that has been overlooked at tarring time. His home is a desert to him,—and the love of social converse, which is so natural, and so amiable at the same time keeps him eternally in a state of fidgetty restlessness, which precludes all possibility of serious and persevering labour. Only think of the horrors of a house without a queen—Yawning servants, negligent housekeepers, extorting tradespeople,—these and a thousand other annoyances, for which you have no relief, because you cannot stoop to meddle or make in such transactions—are the agitations which perpetually infest the domestic commonwealth of a bachelor.—But turn your eyes into the house of 'Benedick, the married man'—He wears his rue with a difference, indeed!—There is a sense of life, bustle, mirth, and happiness, in the very air of the dwelling. To be greeted with smiles at your going forth and coming in—to know that there is at least one who serves you without a self-interest—to hear the joyous, feminine laugh, delicate and temperate in the very whirlwind of its ecstacy, ring through the mansion from hour to hour—to hear the little foot pattering about you as you sit at your philosophic studies—to have a friend with whom you can converse freely and without fear of present offence or future disadvantage—and whose presence is not without its influence and its charm, even when the call of a worldly ambition summons you to—

"–PursueYour tasks, in social silence too,"

with just sense enough to understand all you can say to her—and nothing so wise as to mortify you at any time by setting you right. Then, instead of the natty primness of your bachelor's apartment, you have your eyes feasted by that elegant confusion of the little sanctuary—the charm of which cannot, unseen, be apprehended, and is only known to those who are privileged to enter, by the passport of Hymen. A bit of bobbin here—a thread-paper there—here a hat feather—there a scrap of silk.—Besides," [drawing his chair closer to mine and looking very tender] "when you love her, you know—." He paused and sighed, and I groaned strenuously.—

"And is this all you have to say in defence of an elopement with a girl of sixteen." ["A beautiful girl," he passionately interrupted] "well! a beautiful girl—so young, that it is perfectly impossible for you to form any judgment on her inclinations or her temper—at a time when her character is undecided—unformed—when that which is mere caprice, frequently assumes the hue of passion, and wears all its fervour and intensity. Or if it should continue unabated—as I must confess [observing him turn himself with an air before a pier glass,] I see no reason why it should not—you will find the unsophistication of the young lady as quickly tending to domestic disquiet, as might have been her inconstancy—She will be unreasonable in her exactions on your confidence, and you will be compelled to take refuge in fits of sullenness—perhaps rudeness;—and then what becomes of that blissful state, where like you, every body expects, and so very—very few find happiness?—to secure which the most perfect union of taste and feeling—the utmost kindliness of manner, and a politeness as habitual as motion itself, are absolute requisites?—Have you no further arguments to offer in favour of this measure of yours?—"

"Oh, yes," said he, very dryly, "I have one more."

"What may that be?"

"That I WILL marry her."

"Oh!…" said I.

And without exchanging another word, I put on my great coat, and we sallied forth together to the rendezvous of the lovers. The fair fugitive was true to her appointment, and at the first sound of the expected footfall, glided from her concealment into the happy scoundrel's arms. The action which followed I could not see (though it was a bright moonlight,) for a breeze lifted the large veil which hung over the lady's shoulder, in such a manner as to envelope the countenances of both. What the action ought to have been, perhaps you, madam, or you, mademoiselle, may inform me?—I only know that when the modest zephyr passed, and the veil fell back again, the fair cheek that it revealed glowed with

"A pudency so rosy, the sweet view on't,Might well have warm'd old Saturn."

Harry gave me his hand (heartily) as he stood on the carriage step, and the bride wafted me a farewell with the prettiest action of her fan from the window, and murmured,—"Give me a good wish for the tobacconist."

"Yes," said I; "may you never have occasion to say of the love that now leads you to him, that

"'Its beacon light is quench'd in smoke.'"

[For although naturally grave, and silently given, I often catch myself endeavouring to sport a bad pun, when I have got the ear of a fair damsel] The only effect which the witticism produced in the present instance, however, was an enormous groan, in which the fellows on the dickey participated. Even the postilion who stood near, set up a crowing laugh—and the very horses by their snorting and neighing, seemed to be sensible of the utter and deplorable failure.

And away they went—and they were hotly pursued, and overtaken, just in time to be too late—which left no other course but that of reconciliation;—and where there is no choice to be made, every body knows there is but one part to be taken.

That occurrence is now three years since, and it was only the other day that I again met the pair of turtles. Dropping in rather late at a card-party, I beheld them sitting vis-a-vis at one of the tables, playing together against an old lady and gentleman, before whom Mrs. L– thought, perhaps, it was not necessary to appear very fashionable towards dear Harry. With the requisite ceremonious unceremoniousness so popular at present, I took a chair behind him, and annoyed him every moment by remarks upon his wife; of course all highly nattering to both.

"My love, you have played that card wrong—very wrong."

"Did I, my dear?" replied Mrs. L. smiling languidly, and looking in his face more as if she was admiring the elegant turn of his forehead, and the spirited expression of his dark eye, than as if she minded what he was saying—"'tis indeed—very."

"'Tis what?"

"Oh! were you not speaking of something? I beg pardon, love—I thought you spoke."

"And so I did, my dear. I told you that card was played most abominably."

"I dare say, my love;—[still gazing in his eyes and smiling]—I know I'm very stupid,"—[playing a card.]

"Well, you have taken a curious way to mend matters—that last play was a thousand degrees worse than the other."

"I dare say, my love,—[looking in his face, and continuing to drawl and simper in the manner which we might imagine of Shakspeare's little shepherdess—

"'Sweet youth chide on—I had rather hear thee chideThan others woo—'"]

"But tell me, love, when I play wrong," [playing again without taking her eyes from his, even to look at her card.]

"I had much better leave you to yourself," said L.

"'You will be compelled to take refuge in fits of sullenness,'" muttered I, quoting from my former prophecy.

"My dear,"—[pronounced just in the same way as he might have said, 'you fool,']—pray open your eyes."

"Perhaps in rudeness," I continued.

"There again!" cried poor L–, who seemed in danger of being ruined by the admiration of his wife. "It is not possible for a card to be played worse than that. Your head, my dear, must be as confused as your boudoir."

"A bit of bobbin here—a hat feather there," I continued, growing malicious.

"Sir," cried L–, starting round in a passion. Fixing his eyes for a moment on my wooden phiz, however, he burst into a fit of laughter, and then as suddenly assuming a most doleful change of countenance, he squeezed my hand and said to me apart, in a tragic tone, "Ah, my dear friend, you were right—you were right."

"He that would lead a happy married life,First learn to rule, and then to have, a wife,"

say Beaumont and Fletcher—and a pleasant aphorism it is too—and a wise and useful—but with a slight alteration, a periphrasis comprehending advice not less to the purpose may be presented—

"He that would lead a happy wedded life,Beware of marrying a too youthful wife."

USEFUL DOMESTIC HINTS

FININGS FOR WINES

If wine does not become clear soon enough, for each forty gallons dissolve an ounce of isinglass in a quart of water. Strain and mix this with part of the liquor, beat it up to a froth, and pour it into the rest; stir the whole well, and bung it up, except there should be an appearance of fermentation; if so, leave the bung out till it has ceased. Instead of isinglass, some use hartshorn shavings, in rather larger quantities; red wines are fined with eggs, twelve to the pipe, beaten up to a froth, mixed with the wine, and well stirred in.

Gypsum or alabaster is used to clear cloudy white wines; as also fresh slaked lime; and the size of a walnut of sugar of lead, with a table spoonful of sal enixum, is put to forty gallons of muddy wine, to clear it; and hence, as the sugar of lead is decomposed, and changed into an insoluble sulphat of lead, which falls to the bottom, the practice is not so dangerous as has been represented.

MANNER OF USING FININGS

Put the finings, when ready, into a pail, with a little of what you are going to fine; whisk them together till they are perfectly mixed, and then nearly fill up the pail with the liquor, whisking it well about again, after which, if the cask be full, take out four or five gallons to make room; take a staff and stir it well; next whisk the finings up, and put them in, stirring well together for five minutes; then drive in the bung, leaving the vent-peg loose for three or four days, after which drive it in tight.

OF FLAVOURING AND COLOURING WINES

The quality of roughness natural to those red wines in which the skins and a portion of the stems have been subjected to the process of fermentation, is readily communicated by astringent substances, and by none more easily or purely than by catechu and kino, substances free from injurious flavour; the sloe is also used; similar roughness, accompanied with flavour, is given by the chips of oak and beech; and if logwood and walnut peels are used, the astringency will also be united to a portion of colour and flavour. All these substances may be rendered highly useful in giving positive qualities to insipid wines. A simple infusion alone is necessary, in such proportion as the exigencies may require; care being taken to rack and fine the wine after the desired effect has been obtained.—The Vintner's Guide.

THE GATHERER

"I am but a Gatherer and disposer of other men's stuff."—Wotton.

BIRDS POISONING THEIR YOUNG

Mr. Holmes, in his "Account of the United States of America," relates that some of the birds of North America are remarkable for poisoning their young; but this is only done if they are encaged or confined. The robin is one of the birds thus noticed. If the young be taken, and placed in a cage where the parent birds can discover them, they will attend upon and feed them for a season; but after the lapse of a few days, or when the young are fledged, the old ones appear very uneasy, and endeavour to discover some way by which they may escape. If, however, they perceive that there is no hope of accomplishing their purpose, they procure for them a sort of berry, which is an infallible poison; apparently disdaining the thought that their offspring should be slaves!

A CONNOISSEUR

Vernet relates, that he was once employed to paint a landscape, with a cave, and St. Jerome in it; he accordingly painted the landscape, with St. Jerome at the entrance of the cave. When he delivered the picture, the purchaser, who understood nothing of perspective, said, "the landscape and the cave are well made, but St. Jerome is not in the cave."—"I understand you, sir," replied Vernet, "I will alter it." He therefore took the painting, and made the shade darker, so that the saint seemed to sit farther in. The gentleman took the painting; but it again appeared to him that the saint was not in the cave. Vernet then wiped out the figure, and gave it to the gentleman, who seemed perfectly satisfied. Whenever he saw strangers to whom he showed the picture, he said, "Here you see a picture by Vernet, with St. Jerome in the cave." "But we cannot see the saint," replied the visiters. "Excuse me, gentlemen," answered the possessor, "he is there; for I have seen him standing at the entrance, and afterwards farther back; and am therefore quite sure that he is in it."

BLACK MAN'S DREAM

A number of years bygone, a black man, named Peter Cooper, happened to marry a fair lady of Greenock, who did not use him with that tenderness that he conceived himself entitled to. Having tried all other arts to retrieve her lost affections in vain, Peter at last resolved to work upon her fears of punishment in another world for her conduct in this. Pretending, therefore, to awake one morning extravagantly alarmed, his helpmate was full of anxiety to know what was the matter; and having sufficiently, as he thought, whetted her curiosity, by mysteriously hinting that "he could a tale unfold," at length Peter proceeded as follows:—"H—ll of a dream last night. I dream I go to Hebben and rap at de doa, and a gent'man came to de doa wid black coat and powda hair. Whoa dere? Peeta Coopa.—Whoa Peeta Coopa? Am not know you—Not knowa Peeta Coopa! Look de book, Sa.—He take de book, and he look de book, and he could'na find Peeta Coopa.—Den I say, Oh! lad, oh! look again, finda Peeta Coopa in a corna.—He take de book, an he look de book, an at last he finda Peeta Coopa in lilly, lilly (little) corna.—'Peeta Coopa, cook ob de Royal Charlotte ob Greenock.'—Walk in, Sa. Den I walk in, and dere was every ting—all kind of vittal—collyflower too—an I eat, and I drink, and I dance, and I ting, an I neva be done; segar too, by Gum.—Den I say, oh! lad, oh! look for Peeta Coopa wife. He take de book, an he look all oba de book, many, many, many a time, corna an all; and he couldna finda Peeta Coopa wife. Den I say, Oh! lad, oh! look de black book; he take de black book, and he look de black book, and he finda Peeta Coopa wife fust page,—'Peeta-Coopa-wife, buckra-woman, bad-to-her-husband.'"

MAGICAL CLOCK

Droz, a Genevian mechanic, once constructed a clock which was capable of the following surprising movements:—There were seen on it a negro, a dog, and a shepherd; when the clock struck, the shepherd played six tunes on his flute, and the dog approached and fawned upon him. This clock was exhibited to the King of Spain, who was delighted with it. "The gentleness of my dog," said Droz, "is his least merit; if your Majesty touch one of the apples, which you see in the shepherd's basket, you will admire the fidelity of this animal." The King took an apple, and the dog flew at his hand, and barked so loud, that the King's dog, which was in the room, began also to bark; at this the Courtiers, not doubting that it was an affair of witchcraft, hastily left the room, crossing themselves as they went out. The minister of Marine was the only one that ventured to stay. The king having desired him to ask the negro what o'clock it was, the minister obeyed, but he obtained no reply. Droz then observed, that the negro had not yet learned Spanish.