A King, and No King

Bes.

I do beseech you yield your cause Sir quickly.

Lyg.

Indeed I should have told that first.

Bes.

I take it so.

1 Sword.

Captain, he should indeed, he is mistaken.

Lyg.

Sir, you shall have it quickly, and more beating, you have stoln away a Lady, Captain coward, and such an one.

beats him.

Bes.

Hold, I beseech you, hold Sir, I never yet stole any living thing that had a tooth about it.

Lyg.

I know you dare lie.

Bes.

With none but Summer Whores upon my life Sir, my means and manners never could attempt above a hedge or hay-cock.

Lyg.

Sirra, that quits not me, where is this Lady? do that you do not use to do; tell truth, or by my hand, I'le beat your Captains brains out, wash'em, and put 'em in again, that will I.

Bes.

There was a Lady Sir, I must confess, once in my charge: the Prince Tigranes gave her to my guard for her safety, how I us'd her, she may her self report, she's with the Prince now: I did but wait upon her like a groom, which she will testife I am sure: if not, my brains are at your service when you please Sir, and glad I have 'em for you.

Lyg.

This is most likely, Sir, I ask you pardon, and am sorry I was so intemperate.

Bes.

Well I can ask no more, you will think it strange not to have me beat you at first sight.

Lyg.

Indeed I would, but I know your goodness can forget twenty beatings, you must forgive me.

Bes.

Yes there's my hand, go where you will, I shall think you a valiant fellow for all this.

Lyg.

My da[u]ghter is a Whore, I feel it now too sensible; yet I will see her, discharge my self from being father to her, and then back to my Country, and there die, farwell Captain.

[Exit Lygo.

Bes.

Farwell Sir, farwell, commend me to the gentlewoman I pray.

1 Sword.

How now Captain? bear up man.

Bes.

Gentlemen o'th'sword, your hands once more; I have been kickt agen, but the foolish fellow is penitent, has askt me Mercy, and my honour's safe.

2 Sword.

We knew that, or the foolish fellow had better have kickt his grandsir.

Bes.

Confirm, confirm I pray.

1 Sword.

There be our hands agen, now let him come and say he was not sorry, and he sleeps for it.

Bes.

Alas good ignorant old man, let him go, let him go, these courses will undo him.

[Exeunt clear.

Enter Lygones And Bacurius.

Bac.

My Lord, your authority is good, and I am glad it is so, for my consent would never hinder you from seeing your own King, I am a Minister, but not a governor of this State, yonder is your King, I'le leave you.

[Exit.

Enter Tigranes And Spaconia.

Lyg.

There he is indeed, and with him my disloyal child.

Tigr.

I do perceive my fault so much, that yet me thinks thou shouldst not have forgiven me.

Lyg.

Health to your Majesty.

Tigr.

What? good Lygones welcome, what business brought thee hither?

Lyg.

Several businesses. My publick businesses will appear by this, I have a message to deliver, which if it please you so to authorize, is an embassage from the Armenian State, unto Arbaces for your liberty: the offer's there set down, please you to read it.

Tigr.

There is no alteration happened since I came thence?

Lyg.

None Sir, all is as it was.

Tigr.

And all our friends are well?

Lyg.

All very well.

Spa.

Though I have done nothing but what was good, I dare not see my Father, it was fault enough not to acquaint him with that good.

Lyg.

Madam I should have seen you.

Spa.

O good Sir forgive me.

Lyg.

Forgive you, why? I am no kin to you, am I?

Spa.

Should it be measur'd by my mean deserts, indeed you are not.

Lyg.

Thou couldest prate unhappily ere thou couldst go, would thou couldst do as well, and how does your custome hold out here?

Spa.

Sir?

Lyg.

Are you in private still, or how?

Spa.

What do you mean?

Lyg.

Do you take mony? are you come to sell sin yet? perhaps I can help you to liberal Clients: or has not the King cast you off yet? O thou vile creature, whose best commendation is, that thou art a young whore, I would thy Mother had liv'd to see this, or rather that I had died ere I had seen it; why didst not make me acquainted when thou wert first resolv'd to be a whore, I would have seen thy hot lust satisfied more privately: I would have kept a dancer and a whole consort of musicians in my own house only to fiddle thee.

Spa.

Sir, I was never whore.

Lyg.

If thou couldst not say so much for thy self, thou shouldst be carted.

Tigr.

Lygones, I have read it, and I like it, you shall deliver it.

Lyg.

Well Sir, I will: but I have private business with you.

Tigr.

Speak, what is't?

Lyg. How has my age deserv'd so ill of you, that you can pick no strumpets i'th' land, but out of my breed?

Tigr.

Strumpets, good Lygones?

Lyg.

Yes, and I wish to have you know, I scorn to get a whore for any prince alive, and yet scorn will not help methinks: my Daughter might have been spar'd, there were enow besides.

Tigr.

May I not prosper but she's innocent as morning light for me, and

I dare swear for all the world.

Lyg.

Why is she with you then? can she wait on you better than your man, has she a gift in plucking off your stockings, can she make Cawdles well or cut your cornes? Why do you keep her with you? For a Queen I know you do contemn her, so should I, and every subject else think much at it.

Tigr.

Let 'em think much, but 'tis more firm than earth: thou see'st thy Queen there.

Lyg.

Then have I made a fair hand, I call'd her Whore. If I shall speak now as her Father, I cannot chuse but greatly rejoyce that she shall be a Queen: but if I shall speak to you as a States-man, she were more fit to be your whore.

Tigr.

Get you about your business to Arbaces, now you talk idlely.

Lyg.

Yes Sir, I will go, and shall she be a Queen? she had more wit than her old Father, when she ran away: shall she be Queen? now by my troth 'tis fine, I'le dance out of all measure at her wedding: shall I not Sir?

Tigr.

Yes marry shalt thou.

Lyg.

I'le make these withered kexes bear my body two hours together above ground.

Tigr.

Nay go, my business requires hast.

Lyg.

Good Heaven preserve you, you are an excellent King.

Spa.

Farwell good Father.

Lyg.

Farwell sweet vertuous Daughter, I never was so joyfull in all my life, that I remember: shall she be a Queen? Now I perceive a man may weep for joy, I had thought they had lyed that said so.

[Exit Lygones.

Tigr.

Come my dear love.

Spa.

But you may see another may alter that again.

Tigr.

Urge it no more, I have made up a new strong constancy, not to be shook with eyes: I know I have the passions of a man, but if I meet with any subject that should hold my eyes more firmly than is fit, I'le think of thee, and run away from it: let that suffice.

[Exeunt all.

Enter Bacurius And his Servant.

Bac.

Three Gentlemen without to speak with me?

Ser.

Yes Sir.

Bac.

Let them come in.

Enter Bessus with the two Sword-men.

Ser.

They are entred Sir already.

Bac.

Now fellows your business? are these the Gentlemen?

Bes.

My Lord, I have made bold to bring these Gentlemen, my friends o'th' Sword along with me.

Bac.

I am afraid you'l fight then.

Bes.

My good Lord, I will not, your Lordship is much mistaken, fear not Lord.

Bac.

Sir, I am sorry for't.

Bes.

I ask no more in honour, Gentlemen you hear my Lord is sorry.

Bac.

Not that I have beaten you, but beaten one that will be beaten: one whose dull body will require a laming, as Surfeits do the diet, spring and fall; now to your Sword-men; what come they for, good Captain Stock-fish?

Bes.

It seems your Lordship has forgot my name.

Bac.

No, nor your nature neither, though they are things fitter I must confess for any thing, than my remembrance, or any honest mans: what shall these Billets do; be pil'd up in my wood-yard?

Bes.

Your Lordship holds your mirth still, Heaven continue it: but for these Gentlemen, they come—

Bac.

To swear you are a Coward, spare your book, I do believe it.

Bes.

Your Lordship still draws wide, they come to vouch under their valiant hands I am no Coward.

Bac.

That would be a show indeed worth seeing: sirra be wise, and take Mony for this motion, travel with it, and where the name of Bessus has been known or a good Coward stirring, 'twill yield more than a tilting. This will prove more beneficial to you, if you be thrifty, than your Captainship, and more natural: men of most valiant hands is this true?

2 Sword.

It is so, most renowned.

Bac.

'Tis somewhat strange.

1 Sword.

Lord, it is strange, yet true; we have examined from your Lordships foot there, to this mans head, the nature of the beatings; and we do find his honour is come off clean and sufficient: this as our swords shall help us.

Bac.

You are much bound to your Bil-bow-men, I am glad you are straight again Captain; 'twere good you would think on some way to gratifie them, they have undergone a labour for you, Bessus would have puzl'd hercules with all his valour.

2 Sword.

Your Lordship must understand we are no men o'th' Law, that take pay for our opinions: it is sufficient we have clear'd our friend.

Bac.

Yet there is something due, which I as toucht in Conscience will discharge Captain; I'le pay this Rent for you.

Bes.

Spare your self my good Lord; my brave friends aim at nothing but the vertue.

Bac.

That's but a cold discharge Sir for the pains.

2 Sword.

O Lord, my good Lord.

Bac.

Be not so modest, I will give you something.

Bes.

They shall dine with your Lordship, that's sufficient.

Bac.

Something in hand the while, you Rogues, you Apple-squires: do you come hither with your botled valour, your windy froth, to limit out my beatings?

1 Sword.

I do beseech your Lordship.

2 Sword.

O good Lord.

Bac.

S'foot-what a heavy of beaten slaves are here! get me a Cudgel sirra, and a tough one.

2 Sword.

More of your foot, I do beseech your Lordship.

Bac.

You shall, you shall dog, and your fellow-beagle.

1 Sword.

O' this side good my Lord.

Bac.

Off with your swords, for if you hurt my foot, I'le have you flead you Rascals.

1 Sword.

Mine's off my Lord.

2 Sword.

I beseech your Lordship stay a little, my strap's tied to my Cod piece-point: now when you please.

Bac.

Captain these are your valiant friends, you long for a little too?

Bes.

I am very well, I humbly thank your Lordship.

Bac.

What's that in your pocket, hurts my Toe you Mungril? Thy

Buttocks cannot be so hard, out with it quickly.

2 Sword.

Here 'tis Sir, a small piece of Artillery, that a Gentleman a dear friend of your Lordships sent me with, to get it mended Sir, for if you mark, the nose is somewhat loose.

Bac.

A friend of mine you Rascal? I was never wearier of doing any thing, than kicking these two Foot-balls.

Enter Servant.

Serv.

Here is a good Cudgel Sir.

Bac.

It comes too late I'me weary, pray thee do thou beat them.

2 Sword.

My Lord, this is foul play i'faith, to put a fresh man upon us, men are but men Sir.

Bac.

That jest shall save your bones; Captain, Rally up your rotten Regiment and be gone: I had rather thrash than be bound to kick these Rascals, till they cry'd ho; Bessus you may put your hand to them now, and then you are quit. Farewel, as you like this, pray visit me again, 'twill keep me in good health.

[Exit Bac.

2 Sword.

H'as a devilish hard foot, I never felt the like.

1 Sword.

Nor I, and yet I am sure I have felt a hundred.

2 Sword.

If he kick thus i'th' Dog-daies, he will be dry foundred: what cure now Captain besides Oyl of Baies?

Bes.

Why well enough I warrant you, you can go.

2 Sword.

Yes, heaven be thanked; but I feel a shrowd ach, sure h'as sprang my huckle-bone.

1 Sword.

I ha' lost a hanch.

Bes.

A little butter, friend a little butter, butter and parseley and a soveraign matter: probatum est.

2 Sword.

Captain we must request your hand now to our honours.

Bes.

Yes marry shall ye, and then let all the world come, we are valiant to our selves, and there's an end.

1 Sword.

Nay then we must be valiant; O my ribs.

2 Sword.

O my small guts, a plague upon these sharp-toed shooes, they are murtherers.

[Exeunt clear.

Enter Arbaces with his sword drawn.

Arb.

It is resolv'd, I bare it whilst I could, I can no more, I must begin with murther of my friends, and so go on to that incestuous ravishing, and end my life and sins with a forbidden blow, upon my self.

Enter Mardonius.

Mar.

What Tragedy is near? That hand was never wont to draw a sword, but it cry'd dead to something.

Arb.

Mardonius, have you bid Gobrias come?

Mar.

How do you Sir?

Arb.

Well, is he coming?

Mar.

Why Sir, are you thus? why do your hands proclaim a lawless War against your self?

Arb.

Thou answerest me one question with an other, is Gobrias coming?

Mar.

Sir he is.

Arb.

'Tis well, I can forbear your questions then, be gone.

Mar.

Sir, I have mark't.

Arb.

Mark less, it troubles you and me.

Mar.

You are more variable than you were.

Arb.

It may be so.

Mar.

To day no Hermit could be humbler than you were to us all.

Arb.

And what of this?

Mar.

And now you take new rage into your eyes, as you would look us all out of the Land.

Arb.

I do confess it, will that satisfie? I prethee get thee gone.

Mar.

Sir, I will speak.

Arb.

Will ye?

Mar.

It is my duty. I fear you will kill your self: I am a subject, and you shall do me wrong in't: 'tis my cause, and I may speak.

Arb.

Thou art not train'd in sin, it seems Mardonius: kill my self! by Heaven I will not do it yet; and when I will, I'le tell thee then: I shall be such a creature, that thou wilt give me leave without a word. There is a method in mans wickedness, it grows up by degrees: I am not come so high as killing of my self, there are a hundred thousand sins 'twixt me and it, which I must doe, and I shall come to't at last; but take my oath not now, be satisfied, and get thee hence.

Mar.

I am sorry 'tis so ill.

Arb.

Be sorry then, true sorrow is alone, grieve by thy self.

Mar.

I pray you let me see your Sword put up before I go: I'le leave you then.

Arb.

Why so? what folly is this in thee, is it not as apt to mischief as it was before? can I not reach it thinkst thou? these are toyes for Children to be pleas'd with, and not men, now I am safe you think: I would the book of fate were here, my Sword is not so sure but I would get it out and mangle that, that all the destinies should quite forget their fixt decrees, and hast to make us new, for other fortunes, mine could not be worse, wilt thou now leave me?

Mar.

Heaven put into your bosome temperate thoughts, I'le leave you though I fear.

Arb.

Go, thou art honest, why should the hasty error of my youth be so unpardonable to draw a sin helpless upon me?

Enter Gobrias.

Gob.

There is the King, now it is ripe.

Arb.

Draw near thou guilty man, that art the authour of the loathedst crime five ages have brought forth, and hear me speak; curses more incurable, and all the evils mans body or his Spirit can receive be with thee.

Gob.

Why Sir do you curse me thus?

Arb.

Why do I curse thee? if there be a man subtil in curses, that exceeds the rest, his worst wish on thee, thou hast broke my heart.

Gob.

How Sir, have I preserv'd you from a child, from all the arrows, malice, or ambition could shoot at you, and have I this for my pay?

Arb.

'Tis true, thou didst preserve me, and in that wert crueller than hardned murtherers of infants and their Mothers! thou didst save me only till thou hadst studied out a way how to destroy me cunningly thy self: this was a curious way of torturing.

Gob.

What do you mean?

Arb.

Thou knowst the evils thou hast done to me; dost thou remember all those witching letters thou sent'st unto me to Armenia, fill'd with the praise of my beloved Sister, where thou extol'st her beauty, what had I to do with that? what could her beauty be to me? and thou didst write how well she lov'd me, dost thou remember this? so that I doted something before I saw her.

Gob.

This is true.

Arb.

Is it? and when I was return'd thou knowst thou didst pursue it, till thou woundst me into such a strange and unbeliev'd affection, as good men cannot think on.

Gob.

This I grant, I think I was the cause.

Arb.

Wert thou? Nay more, I think thou meant'st it.

Gob.

Sir, I hate to lie, as I love Heaven and honesty, I did, it was my meaning.

Arb.

Be thine own sad judge, a further condemnation will not need, prepare thy self to dy.

Gob.

Why Sir to dy?

Arb.

Why shouldst thou live? was ever yet offender so impudent, that had a thought of Mercy after confession of a crime like this? get out I cannot where thou hurl'st me in, but I can take revenge, that's all the sweetness left for me.

Gob.

Now is the time, hear me but speak.

Arb.

No, yet I will be far more mercifull than thou wert to me; thou didst steal into me and never gav'st me warning: so much time as I give thee now, had prevented thee for ever. Notwithstanding all thy sins, if thou hast hope, that there is yet a prayer to save thee, turn and speak it to thy self.

Gob.

Sir, you shall know your sins before you do'em, if you kill me.

Arb.

I will not stay then.

Gob.

Know you kill your Father.

Arb.

How?

Gob.

You kill your Father.

Arb.

My Father? though I know't for a lie, made out of fear to save thy stained life; the very reverence of the word comes cross me, and ties mine arm down.

Gob.

I will tell you that shall heighten you again, I am thy Father, I charge thee hear me.

Arb.

If it should be so, as 'tis most false, and that I should be found a Bastard issue, the despised fruit of lawless lust, I should no more admire all my wild passions: but another truth shall be wrung from thee: if I could come by the Spirit of pain, it should be poured on thee, till thou allow'st thy self more full of lies than he that teaches thee.

Enter Arane.

Ara.

Turn thee about, I come to speak to thee thou wicked man, hear me thou tyrant.

Arb.

I will turn to thee, hear me thou Strumpet; I have blotted out the name of Mother, as thou hast thy shame.

Ara.

My shame! thou hast less shame than any thing; why dost thou keep my Daughter in a prison? why dost thou call her Sister, and do this?

Arb.

Cease thy strange impudence, and answer quickly if thou contemnest me, this will ask an answer, and have it.

Ara.

Help me Gentle Gobrias.

Arb.

Guilt [dare] not help guilt though they grow together in doing ill, yet at the [punishment] they sever, and each flies the noise of other, think not of help, answer.

Ara.

I will, to what?

Arb.

To such a thing, as if it be a truth think what a creature thou hast made thy self, that didst not shame to do, what I must blush only to ask thee: tell me who I am, whose son I am without all circumstance, be thou as hasty as my Sword will be if thou refusest.

Ara.

Why, you are his son.

Arb.

His Son? swear, swear, thou worse than woman damn'd.

Ara.

By all that's good you are.

Arb.

Then art thou all that ever was known bad, now is the cause of all my strange mis-fortunes come to light: what reverence expectest thou from a child, to bring forth which thou hast offended heaven, thy husband, and the Land? adulterous witch, I know now why thou wouldst have poyson'd me, I was thy lust which thou wouldst have forgot: then wicked Mother of my sins, and me, show me the way to the inheritance I have by thee: which is a spacious world of impious acts, that I may soon possess it: plagues rot thee, as thou liv'st, and such diseases, as use to pay lust, recompence thy deed.

Gob.

You do not know why you curse thus.

Arb.

Too well; you are a pair of Vipers; and behold the Serpent you have got; there is no beast but if he knew it, has a pedigree as brave as mine, for they have more descents, and I am every way as beastly got, as far without the compass of Law as they.

Ara.

You spend your rage and words in vain, and rail upon a guess; hear us a little.

Arb.

No, I will never hear, but talk away my breath, and die.

Gob.

Why, but you are no Bastard.

Arb.

How's that?

Ara.

Nor child of mine.

Arb.

Still you go on in wonders to me.

Gob.

Pray you be more patient, I may bring comfort to you.

Arb.

I will kneel, and hear with the obedience of a child; good Father speak, I do acknowledge you, so you bring comfort.

Gob.

First know, our last King, your supposed Father was old and feeble when he married her, and almost all the Land thought she was past hope of issue from him.

Arb.

Therefore she took leave to play the whore, because the King was old: is this the comfort?

Ara.

What will you find out to give me satisfaction, when you find how you have injur'd me? let fire consume me, if ever I were a whore.

Gob.

For-bear these starts, or I will leave you wedded to despair, as you are now: if you can find a temper, my breath shall be a pleasant western wind that cools and blasts not.