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The poetical works of George MacDonald in two volumes — Volume 1
SCENE III.—Julian's cell. An open chest. The lantern on a stool, its candle nearly burnt out. JULIAN lying on his bed, looking at the light
Julian. And so all growth that is not toward God Is growing to decay. All increase gained Is but an ugly, earthy, fungous growth. 'Tis aspiration as that wick aspires, Towering above the light it overcomes, But ever sinking with the dying flame. O let me live, if but a daisy's life! No toadstool life-in-death, no efflorescence! Wherefore wilt thou not hear me, Lord of me? Have I no claim on thee? True, I have none That springs from me, but much that springs from thee. Hast thou not made me? Liv'st thou not in me? I have done naught for thee, am but a want; But thou who art rich in giving, canst give claims; And this same need of thee which thou hast given, Is a strong claim on thee to give thyself, And makes me bold to rise and come to thee. Through all my sinning thou hast not recalled This witness of thy fatherhood, to plead For thee with me, and for thy child with thee. Last night, as now, I seemed to speak with him; Or was it but my heart that spoke for him? "Thou mak'st me long," I said, "therefore wilt give; My longing is thy promise, O my God! If, having sinned, I thus have lost the claim, Why doth the longing yet remain with me, And make me bold thus to besiege thy doors?" Methought I heard for answer: "Question on. Hold fast thy need; it is the bond that holds Thy being yet to mine. I give it thee, A hungering and a fainting and a pain, Yet a God-blessing. Thou art not quite dead While this pain lives in thee. I bless thee with it. Better to live in pain than die that death." So I will live, and nourish this my pain; For oft it giveth birth unto a hope That makes me strong in prayer. He knows it too. Softly I'll walk the earth; for it is his, Not mine to revel in. Content I wait. A still small voice I cannot but believe, Says on within: God will reveal himself. I must go from this place. I cannot rest. It boots not staying. A desire like thirst Awakes within me, or a new child-heart, To be abroad on the mysterious earth, Out with the moon in all the blowing winds. 'Tis strange that dreams of her should come again. For many months I had not seen her form, Save phantom-like on dim hills of the past, Until I laid me down an hour ago; When twice through the dark chamber full of eyes, The memory passed, reclothed in verity: Once more I now behold it; the inward blaze Of the glad windows half quenched in the moon; The trees that, drooping, murmured to the wind, "Ah! wake me not," which left them to their sleep, All save the poplar: it was full of joy, So that it could not sleep, but trembled on. Sudden as Aphrodite from the sea, She issued radiant from the pearly night. It took me half with fear—the glimmer and gleam Of her white festal garments, haloed round With denser moonbeams. On she came—and there I am bewildered. Something I remember Of thoughts that choked the passages of sound, Hurrying forth without their pilot-words; Of agony, as when a spirit seeks In vain to hold communion with a man; A hand that would and would not stay in mine; A gleaming of white garments far away; And then I know not what. The moon was low, When from the earth I rose; my hair was wet, Dripping with dew—Enter ROBERT cautiously.
Why, how now, Robert? [Rising on his elbow.] Robert (glancing at the chest). I see; that's well. Are you nearly ready? Julian. Why? What's the matter? Robert. You must go this night, If you would go at all. Julian. Why must I go?[Rises.]
Robert (turning over the things in the chest). Here, put this coat on. Ah! take that thing too. No more such head-gear! Have you not a hat,[Going to the chest again.]
Or something for your head? There's such a hubbub Got up about you! The Abbot comes to-morrow. Julian. Ah, well! I need not ask. I know it all. Robert. No, you do not. Nor is there time to tell you. Ten minutes more, they will be round to bar The outer doors; and then—good-bye, poor Julian![JULIAN has been rapidly changing his clothes.]
Julian. Now I am ready, Robert. Thank you, friend. Farewell! God bless you! We shall meet again. Robert. Farewell, dear friend! Keep far away from this.[Goes.]
[JULIAN follows him out of the cell, steps along a narrow passage to a door, which he opens slowly. He goes out, and closes the door behind him.]
SCENE IV.—Night. The court of a country-inn. The Abbot, while his horse is brought out
Abbot. Now for a shrine to house this rich Madonna, Within the holiest of the holy place! I'll have it made in fashion as a stable, With porphyry pillars to a marble stall; And odorous woods, shaved fine like shaken hay, Shall fill the silver manger for a bed, Whereon shall lie the ivory Infant carved By shepherd hands on plains of Bethlehem. And over him shall bend the Mother mild, In silken white and coroneted gems. Glorious! But wherewithal I see not now— The Mammon of unrighteousness is scant; Nor know I any nests of money-bees That could yield half-contentment to my need. Yet will I trust and hope; for never yet In journeying through this vale of tears have I Projected pomp that did not blaze anon.SCENE V.—After midnight. JULIAN seated under a tree by the roadside
Julian. So lies my journey—on into the dark! Without my will I find myself alive, And must go forward. Is it God that draws Magnetic all the souls unto their home, Travelling, they know not how, but unto God? It matters little what may come to me Of outward circumstance, as hunger, thirst, Social condition, yea, or love or hate; But what shall I be, fifty summers hence? My life, my being, all that meaneth me, Goes darkling forward into something—what? O God, thou knowest. It is not my care. If thou wert less than truth, or less than love, It were a fearful thing to be and grow We know not what. My God, take care of me; Pardon and swathe me in an infinite love, Pervading and inspiring me, thy child. And let thy own design in me work on, Unfolding the ideal man in me; Which being greater far than I have grown, I cannot comprehend. I am thine, not mine. One day, completed unto thine intent, I shall be able to discourse with thee; For thy Idea, gifted with a self, Must be of one with the mind where it sprang, And fit to talk with thee about thy thoughts. Lead me, O Father, holding by thy hand; I ask not whither, for it must be on. This road will lead me to the hills, I think; And there I am in safety and at home.SCENE VI.—The Abbot's room. The Abbot and one of the Monks
Abbot. Did she say Julian? Did she say the name? Monk. She did. Abbot. What did she call the lady? What? Monk. I could not hear. Abbot. Nor where she lived? Monk. Nor that. She was too wild for leading where I would. Abbot. So! Send Julian. One thing I need not ask: You have kept this matter secret? Monk. Yes, my lord. Abbot. Well, go and send him hither.[Monk goes.]
Said I well, That prayer would burgeon into pomp for me? That God would hear his own elect who cried? Now for a shrine, so glowing in the means That it shall draw the eyes by power of light! So tender in conceit, that it shall draw The heart by very strength of delicateness, And move proud thought to worship! I must act With caution now; must win his confidence; Question him of the secret enemies That fight against his soul; and lead him thus To tell me, by degrees, his history. So shall I find the truth, and lay foundation For future acts, as circumstance requires. For if the tale be true that he is rich, And if——Re-enter Monk in haste and terror.
Monk. He's gone, my lord! His cell is empty. Abbot (starting up). What! You are crazy! Gone? His cell is empty? Monk. 'Tis true as death, my lord. Witness, these eyes! Abbot. Heaven and hell! It shall not be, I swear! There is a plot in this! You, sir, have lied! Some one is in his confidence!—who is it? Go rouse the convent.[Monk goes.]
He must be followed, found. Hunt's up, friend Julian! First your heels, old stag! But by and by your horns, and then your side! 'Tis venison much too good for the world's eating. I'll go and sift this business to the bran. Robert and him I have sometimes seen together!—God's curse! it shall fare ill with any man That has connived at this, if I detect him.SCENE VII.—Afternoon. The mountains. JULIAN
Julian. Once more I tread thy courts, O God of heaven! I lay my hand upon a rock, whose peak Is miles away, and high amid the clouds. Perchance I touch the mountain whose blue summit, With the fantastic rock upon its side, Stops the eye's flight from that high chamber-window Where, when a boy, I used to sit and gaze With wondering awe upon the mighty thing, Terribly calm, alone, self-satisfied, The hitherto of my child-thoughts. Beyond, A sea might roar around its base. Beyond, Might be the depths of the unfathomed space, This the earth's bulwark over the abyss. Upon its very point I have watched a star For a few moments crown it with a fire, As of an incense-offering that blazed Upon this mighty altar high uplift, And then float up the pathless waste of heaven. From the next window I could look abroad Over a plain unrolled, which God had painted With trees, and meadow-grass, and a large river, Where boats went to and fro like water-flies, In white and green; but still I turned to look At that one mount, aspiring o'er its fellows: All here I saw—I knew not what was there. O love of knowledge and of mystery, Striving together in the heart of man! "Tell me, and let me know; explain the thing."— Then when the courier-thoughts have circled round: "Alas! I know it all; its charm is gone!" But I must hasten; else the sun will set Before I reach the smoother valley-road. I wonder if my old nurse lives; or has Eyes left to know me with. Surely, I think, Four years of wandering since I left my home, In sunshine and in snow, in ship and cell, Must have worn changes in this face of mine Sufficient to conceal me, if I will.SCENE VIII.—A dungeon in the monastery. A ray of the moon on the floor. ROBERT
Robert. One comfort is, he's far away by this. Perhaps this comfort is my deepest sin. Where shall I find a daysman in this strife Between my heart and holy Church's words? Is not the law of kindness from God's finger, Yea, from his heart, on mine? But then we must Deny ourselves; and impulses must yield, Be subject to the written law of words; Impulses made, made strong, that we might have Within the temple's court live things to bring And slay upon his altar; that we may, By this hard penance of the heart and soul, Become the slaves of Christ.—I have done wrong; I ought not to have let poor Julian go. And yet that light upon the floor says, yes— Christ would have let him go. It seemed a good, Yes, self-denying deed, to risk my life That he might be in peace. Still up and down The balance goes, a good in either scale; Two angels giving each to each the lie, And none to part them or decide the question. But still the words come down the heaviest Upon my conscience as that scale descends; But that may be because they hurt me more, Being rough strangers in the feelings' home. Would God forbid us to do what is right, Even for his sake? But then Julian's life Belonged to God, to do with as he pleases! I am bewildered. 'Tis as God and God Commanded different things in different tones. Ah! then, the tones are different: which is likest God's voice? The one is gentle, loving, kind, Like Mary singing to her mangered child; The other like a self-restrained tempest; Like—ah, alas!—the trumpet on Mount Sinai, Louder and louder, and the voice of words. O for some light! Would they would kill me! then I would go up, close up, to God's own throne, And ask, and beg, and pray to know the truth; And he would slay this ghastly contradiction. I should not fear, for he would comfort me, Because I am perplexed, and long to know. But this perplexity may be my sin, And come of pride that will not yield to him! O for one word from God! his own, and fresh From him to me! Alas, what shall I do!PART II
SCENE I.—A room in Julian's castle. JULIAN and the old Nurse
Julian. Nembroni? Count Nembroni?—I remember: A man about my height, but stronger built? I have seen him at her father's. There was something I did not like about him:—ah! I know: He had a way of darting looks at you, As if he wished to know you, but by stealth. Nurse. The same, my lord. He is the creditor. The common story is, he sought the daughter, But sought in vain: the lady would not wed. 'Twas rumoured soon they were in grievous trouble, Which caused much wonder, for the family Was always reckoned wealthy. Count Nembroni Contrived to be the only creditor, And so imprisoned him. Julian. Where is the lady? Nurse. Down in the town. Julian. But where? Nurse. If you turn left, When you go through the gate, 'tis the last house Upon this side the way. An honest couple, Who once were almost pensioners of hers, Have given her shelter: still she hopes a home With distant friends. Alas, poor lady! 'tis A wretched change for her. Julian. Hm! ah! I see. What kind of man is this Nembroni, nurse? Nurse. Here he is little known. His title comes From an estate, they say, beyond the hills. He looks ungracious: I have seen the children Run to the doors when he came up the street. Julian. Thank you, nurse; you may go. Stay—one thing more: Have any of my people seen me? Nurse. None But me, my lord. Julian. And can you keep it secret?— know you will for my sake. I will trust you. Bring me some supper; I am tired and faint. [Nurse goes.] Poor and alone! Such a man has not laid His plans for nothing further! I will watch him. Heaven may have brought me hither for her sake. Poor child! I would protect thee as thy father, Who cannot help thee. Thou wast not to blame; My love had no claim on like love from thee.—How the old tide comes rushing to my heart! I know not what I can do yet but watch. I have no hold on him. I cannot go, Say, I suspect; and, Is it so or not? I should but injure them by doing so. True, I might pay her father's debts; and will, If Joseph, my old friend, has managed well During my absence. I have not spent much. But still she'd be in danger from this man, If not permitted to betray himself; And I, discovered, could no more protect. Or if, unseen by her, I yet could haunt Her footsteps like an angel, not for long Should I remain unseen of other eyes, That peer from under cowls—not angel-eyes— Hunting me out, over the stormy earth. No; I must watch. I can do nothing better.SCENE II.—A poor cottage. An old Man and Woman sitting together
Man. How's the poor lady now? Woman. She's poorly still. I fancy every day she's growing thinner. I am sure she's wasting steadily. Man. Has the count Been here again to-day? Woman. No. And I think He will not come again. She was so proud The last time he was here, you would have thought She was a queen at least. Man. Remember, wife, What she has been. Trouble like that throws down The common folk like us all of a heap: With folks like her, that are high bred and blood, It sets the mettle up. Woman. All very right; But take her as she was, she might do worse Than wed the Count Nembroni. Man. Possible. But are you sure there is no other man Stands in his way? Woman. How can I tell? So be, He should be here to help her. What she'll do I am sure I do not know. We cannot keep her. And for her work, she does it far too well To earn a living by it. Her times are changed— She should not give herself such prideful airs. Man. Come, come, old wife! you women are so hard On one another! You speak fair for men, And make allowances; but when a woman Crosses your way, you speak the worst of her. But where is this you're going then to-night? Do they want me to go as well as you? Woman. Yes, you must go, or else it is no use. They cannot give the money to me, except My husband go with me. He told me so. Man. Well, wife, it's worth the going—but to see: I don't expect a groat to come of it.