Space: one hundred one story of surrealism

Dwarfs always said:

“It takes three gnomes to get a light bulb!” – but each of them tried, but their height was still not enough to the ceiling, – So ten! – but even ten did not reach the light bulb, and it was necessary to screw it in, so they called a man into the hut. The man helped, but leaving, he said:

– It’s good that you called me, you are too small, even together, you have a hundred thousand dollars.

Well, they gave him the gold of a leprechaun, and agreed on that. Thumbelina came, put two chairs, unscrewed the light bulb and said that warm light was needed here, for comfort.

Can you imagine how many stars there are in the sky, how a dragon floats across the galaxy, spewing marmalade from its mouth, how a rabbit flies in a balloon, singing Philip Kirkorov, and somewhere on Pluto, there lives a mosquito that can compose galaxies. The mosquito comes out onto the veranda, and, waving its trunk, begins to create new galaxies and planets. On one, a mosquito created giants that ate only small mushrooms, and on the other, a Hedgehog that could dance break dance and make ice out of sand. On its planet, the mosquito wanted nothing more than a tank of donated blood and a couple of secluded, dark places. But one day he got bored, he waved his magic trunk, created a cruiser and went to the created galaxy, only fell out of the cruiser along the way, because he forgot about the toothy pikes that swam through space and ate everything.

– What if everyone lives in a tea leaf? – the moth thought, eating out a fur coat with a friend, – Imagine that this is space, and planets are scattered there! There are butterflies, and flies, and lizards, even people!

– Marvelous! the friend agreed.

“Here, in a tea leaf,” he said, “the same Tim lives like you, a little moth, even smaller than you and me,” taking a leaf out of his pocket, “maybe he’s even your little clone, and also eats a fur coat, only a lot long years ago.

– Cool!

“And don’t say, but they don’t even know that it’s hot on the planet for them, because we boil them and eat them in a cup and teapot.

– Like this?

– You put it in the water, and everyone drowns there and dies. They swell, the planets become doughnuts, big as if they took water in their mouths.

– Ah, got it.

“Yeah, and I thought you were always stupid. Turns out you’re even dumber than I thought.

They ate, but Henry’s moth continued to occasionally examine the leaf, whispering to them that he saved their universe, and put it in his pocket. Then the closet opened and they flew out, but the fly swatter took them out and smeared them on the wall. So it happens, people often also missed a stop on buses, talking about something distant. So the moths did not notice the danger, only at the last moment. He became the last one.

Imagine a sock on the floor, stick your foot in, and there… but everything is in order. This sock is not at all ordinary, but a real magic sock. When a person puts them on, he immediately enters another world. There were werewolves and vampires, they are at war. Van Helsing also got here, from there he pulled out several werewolves, and they took over his world. But Helsing was the coolest of all, because he himself became one, returning to the past and being born a Lycan. He kept a secret within himself with the sign of Baphomet, which held back his rage and transformation. When the time came, he became a werewolf the size of a dachshund and flew south because there were no werewolves. They were not there, except that the magic was strange there. Climbing the highest mountain on Olympus, Helsing noticed that a new werewolf grows from every hair that falls out. He never wanted to be a father, but who chooses that was the purpose. They also need to be fed. Therefore, he raised more werewolves, and until they were formed, he gave children to eat for his children. Yes, they themselves could make children and eat. Children ate their children’s children. And Helsing decided that enough was enough from him, and flew back to the sock, climbed into the past and was born a man. Immediately all the werewolves perished on that mountain.

Freddy Krueger always had three sheets of drawings hanging in his room. He was afraid to pick them up, because there were other worlds behind the picture. One of them contained his fears, the most hidden ones. Spinners. He was always afraid to try to twist them on his finger, because the claws got in the way, and when they fell, Freddie’s lips twisted and he felt embarrassed, because even children knew how to twist them. Therefore, he began to kill the sleeping ones, until they learned how to twist them, disgracing him. There was plenty of fear. For example, Olga Buzova. When Kruger crawled towards her, trying to get into her head in her dream, he fell into purgatory, there was nothing but emptiness and longing. There were no dreams or thoughts. Even the memories were nowhere. Krueger huddled in a corner and cried, tore at himself the last hairs that had survived after the fire under the sole of his left foot, between the little finger and the ring finger. Purgatory didn’t answer. So it was before the creation of the big bang, nothing else. Also empty and lonely. In hope, by no means, who knows. But… Krueger began to see lights, it was his eyes that were looking for light in the darkness. Krueger himself tried to sleep, to see his dream, to get into his head, but he could not. It seemed to him that he closed his eyes, and someone kept them open. Freddy did not see him, and ran into the darkness screaming for rescue. But no matter how much he ran, someone kept holding his eyelids all the time and did not let him sleep. Buzova’s strength had no boundaries, Fredd had no control over her. This was a real prison. to get inside my head, but I couldn’t. It seemed to him that he closed his eyes, and someone kept them open. Freddy did not see him, and ran into the darkness screaming for rescue. But no matter how much he ran, someone kept holding his eyelids all the time and did not let him sleep. Buzova’s strength had no boundaries, Fredd had no control over her. This was a real prison. to get inside my head, but I couldn’t. It seemed to him that he closed his eyes, and someone kept them open. Freddy did not see him, and ran into the darkness screaming for rescue. But no matter how much he ran, someone kept holding his eyelids all the time and did not let him sleep. Buzova’s strength had no boundaries, Fredd had no control over her. This was a real prison.

Behind the second drawing was his least favorite lesson. Physics. He couldn’t understand what it meant to change the laws of the universe. The teacher told him that it was impossible to get into a dream, when Freddie began to tell his story, then he hit him with a pointer right in the eye, in the pupil, and Krueger immediately fell silent. And it happened that the teacher would grab a stool or a desk, and how he would hit Freddie on the back, so that all the teeth flew out to the floor, where obscene gnomes and tooth fairies converged.

Behind the third drawing was the most terrible fear, but also the most beloved dream of all the dreams in his world. Kruger feared him at the same time, but also loved him. If only no one saw it. This secret cannot be told, otherwise all the monsters in the world will take up arms against him, because there is one magical sound in the world that disarms all magical and formidable creatures. Even Krueger, reading it, became a baby, a coward and a stutterer. It was pierced with a trident, and it burned on fire for ten thousand years. Therefore, he would never want to open this drawing. Therefore, he sealed it with adhesive tape and electrical tape, nailed it on top with boards. Even the Dementors would have seemed like a joke, an ordinary sheet. He could, he got this sound from the god in his head, when he was distracted, if he opens the picture, god will see him, the sound will pierce the world, and all the spells will fall from everyone, even from him. God will have to create everyone from scratch. Certainly, Freddie would like to be the only such monster, magical, but no way. Hush hush…

Let’s get away from this Freddy, because other creatures have the coolest. The most amazing thing is that Gulliver, which he can have in principle, has a mirror in the room, which reduces the weight of a person. When you look at it, when you see yourself up to the chest, in reality, your lower half immediately disappears, moving into the mirror. And the mirror projects you from the mirror into reality, like a hologram. The weight of this miracle of the body, after all, has long been known, five micrograms. Gulliver is weighed every day on it, looking. It was then that Gulliver was captured by dwarfs and midgets, they covered the mirror with a veil, and Gulliver fell to the ground. He has only the upper half on the ground, and the weighty, lower one remains inside the mirror. Lilliputians beat him and beat him, because he doesn’t even have arms, everything is in the mirror, if he raised his hands when he looked, maybe the hands would be. When they get tired of beating the giant, when they eat all the food at home and rob him, steal gold and teaspoons, open the mirror and run away. The lower half flies out of the mirror and sticks to Gulliver. He gets up and starts stroking himself because it hurts. He had been beaten. He is angry, but he cannot find the midgets.

Oh, if he had a smartphone, they would help him find these midgets, because phones have already appeared unusual, which can magnetize midgets to the smartphone cover. And inside it, the hamsters of physics are pedaling, they know for sure that movement is life. When the phone turns off, they wipe off the sweat and go to sleep. Sometimes it’s a whole day, sometimes it’s three minutes. It’s an hour, the battery needs to be filled with energy and movement. When they click on the screen, the loader inside runs and moves, rebuilds the world, the settings section, mail, and anything that a person clicks on, then the builder builds the loader.

Have you ever seen ostrich diggers? But the wasps see them every day, because they hire them to build holes for them. Real tunnels. They are even hired by ants when they do not have time to cook at home before winter. They gnaw the earth with their huge teeth, like worms, inside, shrink and spit, like plasticine and crawl. Their mouth is a bottomless well. Everything eaten flies out in another place, through a teleport, in Yakutia. The same teleport inside the ostrich. In Yakutia, I accept land and plant palm trees around yurts. They feed the elephants. Elephants eat and become even wrinkled and wiser. And then they tell everyone to feed everyone with normal food, and that all the Yakuts are fucking degenerates, dumb-nosed.

Ants themselves are ordinary, only now they keep in a cocoon not babies of ants at all, but real people. Little ones. They also suck on nipples in a cocoon, and they got here from a rocket in orbit. The nipples are from the intestines of spiders, and from the milk of a rabbit. When people go to sleep in cryosleep in their capsules, they move into the ant’s cocoon, which has decreased. Back, then, as it turns out, it is impossible to return. So, among the crowd of ants, you can see a person who carries a grain of sugar on his back or pulls straw behind him to strengthen the passages to the tunnels. They swear, yell, but they do it. Let them not do it, the war ants will cut off their paws. Ants do not need weak companions. Not at all. Once, one of us here tried to build a car in order to move faster, but they immediately killed him, calling him a charlatan and a vile lazybones. Now it is forbidden to think without an order. People run and run, get tired as soon as they sit down, get a spear in the belly, and run again. Let them crawl, but do not stand still, do not create traffic jams in the tunnels with ants. There is a porter here, no, he doesn’t rape anyone here, he drags cocoons of ant people on his back to a nearby anthill, runs around like a formula one car, because he has a mutation, seven legs, the seventh on his head. He keeps hitting the ceiling with it, and his leg runs along the ceiling and pushes him back into the anthill, from where he takes the cocoons. Therefore, with his saliva, he tied this leg onto his back, and now even cocoons are better to hold on to, because there is support from below. Instead of a tail, so to speak, but he, as it were, is fine. Only one eye sometimes interferes with him when, after leaving the anthill, the sun shines into his eyes. If there were two eyes, he would close the right one from the right sun, and run with his left eye. And here, sometimes he stumbles, and a tick sticks into his eye. It is difficult to pull them out, they have twisted teeth. But if you tickle them between the legs, they let go of the eye.

They say that the leaves that fall from the side of the forest, that far behind the sun, millions of thousands of light years away, hides a planet that cannot be seen by any telescope. Aliens live there. They walk on their heads, eat with their fingers, and talk in wind dances. By their structure, they are like a thin sheet of A4, standing sideways, it is impossible to see them, but standing in front of someone, you can see their flat faces. Drawn nose, eyes and mouth. Aliens often liked to look at the stars from their planet, only they did not see the stars like we do, because the laws were different there, as if everything around was drawn with colored pencil and felt-tip pen. White unpainted dots on paper, in the blue sky, green, barely shaded trees that flew through the air, with a frequency of 2 frames per second, and animals that often fought with the winds and flew around the planet, grabbing and tearing clouds to shreds. The birds were like two sticks, flapping their wings, and fell in a minute. They could fly for barely a minute, and when it started to rain, they all hid under cover. Here the rains were stone and wet. Each of them was scarier than they could have imagined. But everything was enough, so to speak, to lie down on the ground and become flat with the earth, part of the planet, and the stones could not do any harm at all, but the rains, it was difficult to hide from them. The wet world of the aliens was becoming uninhabitable, so they invented a fan made from the skin of monsters, shredding them to ventilate the earth. than they could imagine. But everything was enough, so to speak, to lie down on the ground and become flat with the earth, part of the planet, and the stones could not do any harm at all, but the rains, it was difficult to hide from them. The wet world of the aliens was becoming uninhabitable, so they invented a fan made from the skin of monsters, shredding them to ventilate the earth. than they could imagine. But everything was enough, so to speak, to lie down on the ground and become flat with the earth, part of the planet, and the stones could not do any harm at all, but the rains, it was difficult to hide from them. The wet world of the aliens was becoming uninhabitable, so they invented a fan made from the skin of monsters, shredding them to ventilate the earth.

The ferret lived in a hole under a nuclear power plant, and never complained about the radiation. The ferret wore his fur coat with caution, but how could it be otherwise, and all because the fur coat was unimaginably predatory, every hair is worms with teeth, predatory. The worms ate the radiation itself, straight from the air and soil, tearing apart matter itself. Actually we don’t know. But we will continue. When a man killed a ferret, and then the beast went out to take a pee behind the fence, after watching a cartoon; to make themselves clothes for the winter, the worms ate a man by jumping out of it. The fur coat became even fatter. Well, a worm cannot eat a hundred kilograms and not get fat. On earth, many ate one hundred grams of sweets and carried them up to two hundred kilograms. And so. The meat they ate began to mutate, and those worms turned into snakes. Tired. We fell asleep. For two years they lay swollen on the ground, cars rolled over them. The fur coat floated in a puddle towards the drainpipe, it was carried away in the claws of birds and gnawed by flies. Dogs defecated on them. Cats slept on them. Once, I remember, this fur coat was used instead of a condom by black swingers-Arabs.

The hibernation lasted only nothing, for the third year, when the homeless Ivan put it on himself, and went into the top five, the fur coat came to life and, from bewilderment, how is it, yes, I all of you … – the fur coat ate the homeless, sellers, movers and buyers.

The ferret could not stand it, well, nothing else, you know, a fur coat kills, and she… sits in hell for herself, playing goat with the devils. People felt sorry. Yes, and he is completely naked, it should be a shame. It all happened from the fact (maybe he would not have returned, free pudding in hell) that the devil began to go to work more and more often, to be distracted in order to torment people. So you can’t play cards. Damn James, leaving the room, and coming back in about five minutes (and here one minute lasted a month), he declared to the ferret that he was tired of working. He began to complain that people were coming and coming. The devils know who died and how, so the devil James told him that it was time to return. He got fed up. The devil opened the door and kicked the ferret in the opening, the ferret tumbled, hit his head on the armature on the floor, ate a watermelon, gnawed out the baskets, did ten thousand somersaults and grabbed his fur coat, put it on, and left the store. Just before the entrance, he stopped, and a homeless man got out of his fur coat, completely alive. And all the people got out too. Then James’s head popped out and said:

– Suffer on earth! – and disappeared, closing the portal. For seven more nights, the salesgirls cried to go back to hell. “Here’s the hell with you!” the devil yelled as he changed channels in the cinema.

At night, one boy’s toys came to life. And in the closet lived a bone man. The monster liked to come out of the closet and grabbed the boy by the leg, and terribly sentenced that he would eat him. The boy was afraid. But the toys weren’t afraid of anything, because they ran to the boy’s aid, and beat the monster either with stools, then with legs, then with a knife, and from time to time they hung him on a rope and threw him out the window. The bone man screamed, asked for mercy, then the toys dragged him back, and forced him to cook a cake so that the boy would forgive him. He baked a very tasty cake, by profession, when he was still alive, before he went to hell and became a servant of Satan, he was famous throughout France for confectionery, because he is a cook, after all. The boy found a cake on the bedside table in the morning, and thought that his mother had baked it for him. Branches beat against the glass in the room, the bone man crawled out of the closet again, took out a saw from his cloak, and wanted to cut off the boy’s leg. But then Iron Man, Indiana Jones, Bruce Lee and Jackie Chan attacked him and beat him, broke his fingers and chained him to a cross, took him to the forest, and, having found a cornfield there, left him there. The bone man was shouting something, but he was not heard at all. Only the bones rumbled. There is no language. Dragons sat on him backwards, and he drowned there. Then the dragon flew away, and a cross stuck out of the back. Where this bone man is now is unknown. Maybe he will still come to the boy, but many, many years later. If he finds a way. but it was not heard at all. Only the bones rumbled. There is no language. Dragons sat on him backwards, and he drowned there. Then the dragon flew away, and a cross stuck out of the back. Where this bone man is now is unknown. Maybe he will still come to the boy, but many, many years later. If he finds a way. but it was not heard at all. Only the bones rumbled. There is no language. Dragons sat on him backwards, and he drowned there. Then the dragon flew away, and a cross stuck out of the back. Where this bone man is now is unknown. Maybe he will still come to the boy, but many, many years later. If he finds a way.

The boy got up, opened the closet, and there sat Bilbo Baggins, he twisted the ring in his palm and hissed. The boy was scared. What is his grandfather doing here? He called his mother and father. His father beat him with a closet door, put him in a garbage bag and took him to the cemetery, where he buried him. Bilbo said something, pulled his hands in a garbage bag, asked for mercy, who knows, but he is still alive. All because he put on the ring. And waiting for the kings from Sauron to find him. They will find, perhaps, but shovels will be needed. And kings never held shovels. They will sit at the tombstone and cry. Then they will go and uproot the trees, and there are goblins and trolls.

Toys, of course, the boy never saw alive. The boy was blind. But he saw the aura of sweetness. Sometimes, the boy dropped a cake on Jackie Chan, and began to see him, grabbed him, and broke his neck. Jackie Chan screamed, came to life, and beat the boy unconscious. He lifted his head and put it back on.

“If you raise your hand against me again, I know where I’ll put your head!”

The boy curled up in a corner and cried. Then the fairy godmother flew in through the window and promised to fulfill one wish. The boy smiled and wished that he had ten rubles to buy chewing gum. Then the fairy flew away, and the stupid boy was left with ten rubles.

Golden eels, too, were alive in some way. They sailed from Eldorado and settled the Atlantic Ocean. The eels enjoyed photographing landscapes, setting off fireworks, playing hide-and-seek with dolphins, and eating lost people on boats. He, as expected, loved the fishermen very much, he hunted them. He jumped into the net, and when they pulled out, rejoicing at the catch for dinner, the eel shot lightning at them, made barbecue, and sprinkled with ketchup, ate right on board the boat. He invited octopuses, squids, piranhas, sharks and plankton to the feast. SpongeBob was not invited that day, but all because he worked hard today. He washed nuclear submarines and cleaned toilets. If the eel didn’t know the square, it would never recognize black Bob. Plankton was always trying to find out the secret of cooking such a tasty person, and what is included in the dish, and why it is so tasty. The eel smiled twisted his finger at his mouth, licked his nails and said that this was a secret of the company and it was protected by copyright. Only Zeus looked at it and sighed, licking his thin, dry lips. He loved barbecue, but he did not have a passport, so he had no right to go down to earth. On Olympus, no one fried it, including shish kebab. Hercules liked to eat dietary supplements and proteins. Athena ate bananas and coconut milk. Aphrodite fed on the blood of virgins. Hermes ate iron. Ares preferred wet ground. Poseidon bathed in the fountain and ate fish. Only Apollo was unlucky the most, he liked to eat the sun. And Hephaestus, the son of Zeus, sucked the flame all the time. They were not up to that, not up to human comforts and up to the cannibal eel. He loved barbecue, but he did not have a passport, so he had no right to go down to earth. On Olympus, no one fried it, including shish kebab. Hercules liked to eat dietary supplements and proteins. Athena ate bananas and coconut milk. Aphrodite fed on the blood of virgins. Hermes ate iron. Ares preferred wet ground. Poseidon bathed in the fountain and ate fish. Only Apollo was unlucky the most, he liked to eat the sun. And Hephaestus, the son of Zeus, sucked the flame all the time. They were not up to that, not up to human comforts and up to the cannibal eel. He loved barbecue, but he did not have a passport, so he had no right to go down to earth. On Olympus, no one fried it, including shish kebab. Hercules liked to eat dietary supplements and proteins. Athena ate bananas and coconut milk. Aphrodite fed on the blood of virgins. Hermes ate iron. Ares preferred wet ground. Poseidon bathed in the fountain and ate fish. Only Apollo was unlucky the most, he liked to eat the sun. And Hephaestus, the son of Zeus, sucked the flame all the time. They were not up to that, not up to human comforts and up to the cannibal eel. bathed in the fountain and ate fish. Only Apollo was unlucky the most, he liked to eat the sun. And Hephaestus, the son of Zeus, sucked the flame all the time. They were not up to that, not up to human comforts and up to the cannibal eel. bathed in the fountain and ate fish. Only Apollo was unlucky the most, he liked to eat the sun. And Hephaestus, the son of Zeus, sucked the flame all the time. They were not up to that, not up to human comforts and up to the cannibal eel.