The Long Road Ahead

Alice and Eve agreed at once, and Alice said, ‘There are lovely little shops in Dorchester and the other day I spotted a really pretty china dish with a lid…you could use it for almost anything, but I thought it could hold bath salts…or peppermints…or even to save some coppers in…anything really. It would look nice on Mabel’s dressing table – if she has one. We never saw their part of the farmhouse, did we? But we’ve given her pretty things in the past and she was always pleased to have them, wasn’t she?’

They went on discussing anything else they might take, ending with sharing one or two of their clothes coupons to buy Mabel a patterned, wrap-around apron which had a frill around the hem and pocket, which Alice had seen in one of the shops.

Just then, the waitress returned to enquire whether they’d like more tea, and Fay immediately answered for all of them.

‘Yes please,’ she said. ‘And just three more of the iced fingers?’

It was 6 o’clock before they finished their tea and they were the last ones in the dining room. But Fay was in no hurry to leave just yet. There were things she wanted to know more about. She leaned towards Alice, her elbows on the table.

‘So – when are you going to see lover boy again?’ she enquired bluntly. ‘And where will you be living – after you’re married, I mean?’

‘Oh well…’ Alice realized that she hadn’t thought about Sam for at least half an hour. ‘Sam’s medical training is mostly in London,’ she said, ‘but he does come back to Bristol, to the Infirmary from time to time, on a sort of lease-lend, I suppose. That’s where his father is the big cheese.’ She sighed. ‘But Sam’s training is going to go on for ever by the sound of it – he hopes to become a paediatric brain surgeon eventually.’

Fay whistled through her teeth. ‘Blimey,’ she said.

‘How wonderful!’ Eve exclaimed.

‘So where will you be, while he’s training?’ Fay persisted.

‘I don’t really know yet,’ Alice admitted. ‘Somewhere in London, I expect – everything’s up in the air at the moment. But of course the big Clifton house – the Carmichaels’ family home – will always be available for us if we want it.’ She paused. ‘Professor Carmichael lives there, obviously, and Sam has four siblings – two sets of twins…I think I told you once that I was their nanny at one time. They’re all away somewhere at the moment, but it will always be their home too, I imagine.’

‘That could be awkward in the future,’ Fay said at once. ‘Having the in-laws under your feet all the time.’

‘Yes – but when are you seeing Sam again?’ Eve said impatiently. She was intrigued to know more about the handsome man with the brilliant brain. ‘You should be together now, today, shouldn’t you?’

Alice nodded. ‘He did say that he had some time off and could come and see me this weekend, but when I said I was meeting you two today, he wouldn’t hear of me changing my plans.’ Alice looked away for a second. In fact, she thought, Sam had seemed quite relieved – almost too relieved – that he wouldn’t be seeing her, because afterwards he’d mentioned yet another lecture he really should attend.

‘Oh well then, he sounds a very considerate sort of bloke to me,’ Fay said. ‘Unusual in a man. Well, in most of the men I’ve ever known.’

Alice smiled a quick smile. Yes, Sam was considerate…always had been, to everyone. But still…what she would really have liked was for him to beg her to change her arrangements with Fay and Eve so that they could be together this weekend. Surely he should have insisted on it!

The waitress hovered near them anxiously – she had the tables to lay up for evening dinner – would these three, who hadn’t stopped talking all the afternoon – ever leave the place?

Eventually they did, each of them fighting to pay the bill, but this was Evie’s treat, and presently they left the building and went out into the street, arm in arm.

‘Thank you so much for that, Evie,’ Alice said, ‘and thanks for arranging it. It’s been so good for us to be together again…and your news is just wonderful. I’m so pleased for you…for you and Max,’ she added.

‘And we’re thrilled for you and…Sam…aren’t we, Fay?’ Eve said.

‘Course we are!’ Fay said at once.

‘So when are you going to produce some special beau for us to admire, Fay?’ Eve said.

Fay snorted. ‘That’s hardly likely to happen,’ she announced firmly. ‘I prefer the fancy-free and fun life, me.’

Later, Alice took her place in the corner of an empty carriage of the train and gazed out of the window, going over and over everything that had been said that afternoon. She smiled as she thought about it all. Evie was on top of the world, no doubt about that. And Fay, too, seemed unusually contented with her lot…content about her mother and grandmother. After all, happiness comes in all sorts of shapes and sizes, and for all sorts of reasons…

Alice was pensive for a moment, thinking what Fay had said about those meetings she’d attended. It did seem that local politics was not for her, after all, and in a way Alice wasn’t surprised. The dissatisfaction and antagonism which Fay had often demonstrated about so many things were probably much more to do with her past, her underlying personal problems, rather than anything to do with putting the world to rights. So perhaps she needed to put herself right first, Alice thought. Besides, Fay was too impatient, too ready to fly off the handle. Not the sort for reasoned, restrained discussion.

And now, thinking of her own situation, Alice couldn’t deny that sense of loss. Her sense of despondency. What on earth was going on? How could you change from being completely overwhelmed with joy one minute, to feeling…well…flat and unsure of yourself the next? It didn’t make any sense. Surely it wasn’t to do with Sam being so ready not to see her this weekend? Surely she wasn’t that stupid and self-centred?

She leaned her head back and closed her eyes, her heart-beat seeming to keep time with the chuff chuff chuffing of the engine as they trundled towards Dorchester. And she decided to be honest with herself.

The fact was, she was scared – not only about the wedding day itself and all the planning there was to do, but actually frightened of the road ahead… of what it held – and of whether she could cope with a completely new, and rather important style of life as Sam’s wife. Because one day – presumably – she would become the next Mrs. Carmichael of Clifton. One day she would be taking Helena’s place as head of their household. Could Alice ever measure up to the example Helena had set? Did she have it in her to do everything that wonderful woman had done in her lifetime…her charity work, her unswerving support for her husband, her devotion to her children and her employees, her compassion for the poor? Would everyone love and respect her, Alice, as they had loved and respected Helena Carmichael?

Alice shifted in her seat, trying to change the pattern of her thoughts. And failing miserably – because – there was another thing…once she was Sam’s wife, what would she do with herself while he was working all day and perhaps half the night? Alice had never known what it was to be idle…to Alice, and her mother before her, work was life and life was work. Should she get a job? There’d be no shortage of opportunities anywhere, because good clerical staff was always at a premium, she knew that. But what if Sam didn’t want her to work after they were married? What if he would always expect her to be home whenever he came off duty? But that would mean hours and hours of twiddling her thumbs – which would drive her mad…

Alice clasped and unclasped her bag, giving her hands something to do as she thought about it all. She really must talk to Sam about this, sooner rather than later. And tell him – let him be aware – that she was not just little Alice, the ex-employee he’d fallen in love with, and who he wanted by his side at all times. After all, she had gained her independence a long time ago, she’d survived the war, which had had its effect on her – and on so many others – in unexpected ways. She had learned how to do so many things working on a farm, had met new friends, had had new experiences, had been in charge of a prestigious estate agency, had had her life opened up…in fact, she realized, she had learned what she was capable of. Everything was different now. She was different.

Then something else crossed her mind as she leaned forward and peered into the gloom of the evening. What about that novel? Her novel? The novel she’d promised her mother she’d write one day? Perhaps fate – or Lady Luck – was going to give her the chance to have some time to actually complete it at last…if it was what she really wanted to do.

Alice had always been an avid reader, and a furious scribbler – which, so, far, had resulted in having had just one short story accepted for a woman’s magazine before the war. She cringed as she thought about that letter she’d sent to the fiction editor of a small publishing house in Bristol, asking that he should publish a short story she was submitting for his kind attention. As if! She had been just ten years old, and had been convinced that she was to see her words in print – straightaway with no delay! But his reply had been so kind, making suggestions on how she could improve her writing, and urging her not to give up on her dream of becoming a famous writer. Alice remembered how she had told them that one day she hoped to join the ranks of Jane Austen, or one of the Brontës. How they must have laughed at that. The innocence, the naïve self-assurance of childhood…

By now, all Alice could see in the darkness was the vague reflection of herself in the window pane as she stared out at nothing. Perhaps, next year, or the year after, she might really have the time to pursue her ambition…but before she could even begin to think along those lines there was all this other stuff ahead of her. All the hurdles and jumps ahead before she became Sam’s wife…

She shuddered as she thought, again, about the wedding day. It was supposed to be the day every girl looked forward to, wasn’t it? But she was already dreading it! She bit her lip. Everything would have been all right if her darling Papa had been here to give her away – and Oh golly, help! Who was going to give her away? She’d only just thought of that! And straight off – there was no one. No one she could think of who might be suitable or appropriate for that particular post…no one at all.

By now, Alice was almost wringing her hands at all her contemplation. But…if only she’d seen Sam this weekend…a few hours yesterday would have been enough, because when she was with him she felt so secure, so confident, so at ease with herself and everything around her.

They were coming into the station now, and Alice stood up, sliding the compartment door open and going into the corridor. There was little to see outside, just a few rather dreary lights piercing the gloom. But soon she would be home, with time to relax and put all her worries to the back of her mind for a while. And she was looking forward to work tomorrow…work was uncomplicated, usually straightforward, nothing emotional going on there.

The train pulled in and came to a stop, and as she alighted, Alice thought that perhaps, after all, it was good that she and Sam couldn’t see so much of each other all the time, like other engaged couples usually do. Life was giving her plenty of space – which was probably what she needed after all.

Alice felt listless when she woke the following morning, despite having had a reasonably good night’s sleep – though not before she’d tossed and turned, thinking about her future – a future that seemed to have taken on ridiculous proportions.

Presently, in the kitchen making her tea and toast, she heard the postman at the door, heard the brief plop of a letter falling on the mat. And at once she went out into the hall to see who had written to her. Picking up the envelope, a warm rush of pleasure ran right through her.

Sam had written to her. It was Sam’s writing on the envelope.

My own dearest darling Alice

I’ve been feeling really miserable the last couple of days. Isn’t that strange – when really I am on top of the world. But it has been hard to concentrate on anything. And I know why. It’s because I haven’t seen you for over a week, and it’s going to be another whole one before we are together again. I don’t know if I can wait that long. I shouldn’t have to wait that long.

Ever since I put that ring on your finger, all I want is just to be with you…to be close to you. When I am supposed to be thinking of work, all I am doing is thinking about you, thinking of your lovely face and of the funny things you say that make me smile. I am so, so, so lucky that you really have agreed to be mine, Alice. I still can’t quite believe it.

We’ll be together next weekend, won’t we, and it cannot come quickly enough for me. But instead of me coming to Dorchester, will you come to Clifton instead? We could go for a long walk on the Downs again, like we used to, and just talk and talk and make each other laugh, and of course start thinking about our immediate future. We do have certain things to discuss!

Let me know if you agree, and I will tell Betty we’re coming home – you know how much pleasure it gives her to indulge us with her spectacular cooking.

Until Saturday, my sweetest Alice – all my love –

Sam

Chapter Five

He was waiting for her at Temple Meads as they pulled in. Alice saw him standing there on the platform as she looked out of the window, his familiar figure, the turn of his handsome profile as he watched each carriage pass him by making her giddy with anticipation.

They were going to be together for almost a whole weekend! The rest of today, and all day tomorrow – and although some of that time would have to be spent talking about their plans for the wedding – she knew that every hour would be full of pleasure. Just to be near him would see to that – and the love letter Sam had sent her on Sunday had made her walk on air afterwards, and for the rest of the week.

Now the doors opened and everyone tumbled out – and she was in his arms, which he wrapped around her, his mouth reaching for hers in such a natural way that she didn’t have time to feel embarrassed that others might be looking. And who cared, anyway? Alice had no cares, not when she was with Sam.

Finally, he released her, taking her overnight bag, then they walked towards the exit. He looked down at her and kissed the top of her head. ‘Sorry,’ he murmured. ‘Two whole weeks without seeing you have been unbearable. I’m making up for lost time.’

Alice snuggled into him. ‘Don’t mind me,’ she whispered.

He drove them back to Clifton with strangely little conversation going on – well, there was so much to say that it was difficult to know where to begin.

Alice glanced across at him. He seemed a bit withdrawn today – she’d thought so the moment they’d begun walking towards the car park. It wasn’t what he’d said, or what he hadn’t said, it was an air of moodiness, of something she couldn’t quite put her finger on. Because Sam was never moody – well, she had never seen him in a mood and it wasn’t something you’d latch on to in a letter – but there was a sort of darkness in his manner which she hadn’t encountered before. She cleared her throat.

‘Are you feeling OK, Sam?’ she said quietly. Perhaps he had toothache or something…?

He smiled briefly but didn’t look at her as they drove on. ‘Perfectly OK, thanks,’ he said, ‘just a bit tired, that’s all…it’s been difficult this week at the hospital.’

‘Difficult days and being tired are fairly regular problems for you, I should think,’ Alice said, wanting him to expand…wanting him to tell her what was bothering him – because she knew that something definitely was. Sam seemed far away from her…almost aloof…and this was so unlike him. He was always so open, so honest…especially with her. ‘Tell me what’s been going on – in the operating theatre this week,’ she said cajolingly.‘You know how much I like to hear what you do all day.’

‘Oh – I don’t want to talk about any of it,’ he said at once, ‘not now… This is the weekend when I hope we shall be thinking about more pleasant things.’

Alice sat back in her seat and looked out of the window. She was right. There was something bothering him and he didn’t want to tell her about it. Then she almost froze inside. Surely it wasn’t something to do with her – and him? Even after his last lovely letter to her? What had happened to make him almost cut her off just then…something he never did?

She glanced across at him overtly. Perhaps this is what married life is going to be, she thought. Trying to read each other’s feelings, to interpret sudden changes of mood. To understand what was going on in the mind of the other, to know when to stop intruding, when to stop questioning.And not to keep on demanding explanations.

Alice sighed inwardly, feeling her spirits droop slightly. Being with someone, properly, consistently, was going to be vastly different from merely receiving his letters…

Apart from his somewhat polite enquiries about work, they barely spoke again before arriving at Clifton, but as soon as they set foot in the house and went into the kitchen, Betty rushed forward all smiles, and everyone began talking at once, with Betty exclaiming over and over again at how well Alice was looking, and at how lovely her engagement ring was.

‘Now, that ring might have been made especially for you, Alice,’ Betty said. ‘It sits so nicely, doesn’t it…and doesn’t it sparkle!’

‘Yes, it certainly does that, Betty,’ Alice said. ‘I’m…very lucky,’ she added.

‘Not as lucky as I am,’ Sam said, slipping his arm around her waist and looking down at her with such an expression in his eyes that Alice’s recent fears vanished. She could be so stupid sometimes…imagining troubles that weren’t there…

Presently, Betty said, ‘Now then, I’ve got you a light lunch as it’s rather late, but,’ she paused, ‘there’s something a bit special for dinner tonight.’ A broad smile spread across her generous features. ‘The professor will be here, and there might be one or two other guests as well,’ she added, clearly nursing a secret.

Sam looked at Betty, frowning briefly. He was clearly puzzled at that. ‘Oh…really, Betty?’

‘Yes, well – your brothers and sisters are all hoping to be with us – the professor told them that Alice was coming home for the weekend and that it was time they put in an appearance. And I said it didn’t matter to me who turned up – there’d be enough food for everyone.’ She folded her arms, looking up at Sam and Alice fondly. ‘Won’t it be lovely all to be…all to be together again…’ Betty’s voice trailed off. They would never “all” be together again, not with Madam, Helena, no longer there. Sam cut in.

‘I haven’t seen any of the twins since the memorial service,’ he said, trying not to feel disappointed that there was going to be a houseful, when what he’d hoped for – and expected – was a quiet weekend just for him and Alice. They had so much to discuss. As Betty turned away to put some dishes on the table he glanced down at Alice and mouthed – ‘sorry’.

She shook her head quickly. ‘It’s fine,’ she whispered. ‘I’m looking forward to seeing them all again,’ she said, raising her voice and going across to sit down. ‘This looks lovely, Betty, and I’m hungry.’ Well, breakfast was a long time ago, and they’d had a busy morning in the office, hardly stopping for coffee.

‘I remember how you always liked my baked gammon in cider,’ Betty said happily, ‘and there’s these nice new potatoes and some salad. Just enough to keep you going until later, so eat up, both of you.’

Sam sat down as well, and they both did as they were told, the succulent and tender gammon almost melting on their tongues.

Later, they put on their coats and made their way across the road and over towards the Downs. It was a fine, and rather chilly late afternoon with few people about, and Sam tucked Alice’s arm into his as they strolled across the familiar territory. She put her head back and took a long, deep breath, still hardly daring to believe that she was walking here with the love of her life, that her dreams had all come true.

‘It is such a long time ago that we did this, Sam,’ she murmured. ‘It used to be when you came home on holiday from boarding school, wasn’t it, and you’d tell me everything that had been going on… I used to love listening to you explain everything that you were having to learn…it helped me to learn things as well,’ she added. ‘Your life sounded so exciting, so demanding… and so clever. Though I didn’t envy you the food they gave you to eat. By the sound of it, it was hardly comparable to Betty’s, was it!’

‘Most of it was vile,’ Sam said cheerfully, ‘or we all thought so at the time. But – I don’t suppose it was, really. You know how fussy kids can be.’ He looked down at her, pulling her in more closely to him. ‘All the time I was there, do you know the thing I looked forward to most? Having one of your letters – no, honestly, I mean it. Having letters when you’re away from home helps to keep you going, and yours certainly helped to keep me going, Alice. As soon as I saw your writing on the envelope I couldn’t wait to rush upstairs and read your letter in private. And it always made me smile because you had such a funny way of saying things.’

‘And I loved having yours,’ Alice said. ‘I used to just soak up everything you said, everything you wrote. I remember wishing that I could dress up as a boy and come to your school too!’

He nodded. ‘You were certainly like a sponge, Alice…you always took in everything I told you, and I was constantly surprised at how you never forgot any of it. You were so anxious to learn, to be informed.’ He glanced down at her. ‘It was one of the many things I liked…admired…about you,’ he added.

Alice didn’t return his gaze, feeling slightly embarrassed. She hadn’t realized that Sam had ever admired her…not in that way. They’d always liked each other, that was obvious, but any admiration had been one way, or so she’d thought.

After a while they stopped walking, and stood to lean over the wall and look across at the suspension bridge: the scene, from a slightly different angle, which Alice had stared at from her bedroom window, all those years ago. And for a few seconds, she wished with all her heart that she could stop the clock. This really was like the old times, when she’d felt so relaxed, so happy, so confident, just being with Samuel Carmichael. But…wait…these new times were even more wonderful! Because the person she had always truly loved, had told her that he truly loved her! What could possibly spoil her peace of mind?

She frowned briefly. When you asked that sort of question, you were likely to provoke an answer you weren’t expecting. Because who could guarantee a permanent peace of mind – especially in a relationship? Things change, people change and – although her love for Sam would never change – she had acquired another, a different, side to her own personality that she hadn’t expected. Perhaps Fay’s influence was to blame, but Alice liked the feeling that she could stand on her own feet, could make her way in the world that need not involve staying at home all day just cooking and keeping house like most women had always expected was their lot. Since the war things were different…

Presently, Sam broke the silence – they’d hardly spoken for several minutes – ‘I had no idea that we were to be honoured by having the company of my brothers and sisters tonight,’ he said. ‘I only got back to Bristol myself this morning, and I haven’t seen my father yet today. But he clearly thought that my siblings should be here to congratulate me on my matrimonial choice…and to see you again, Alice. One good thing, there’ll hardly be any need for formal introductions,’ he added.

‘It will be lovely to see them all again,’ Alice said, remembering that the only recent times they had been together had been at Helena’s death bed, and at her December funeral and later memorial service.