The Long Road Ahead

Presently, the waiter took their order, poured them each a glass of champagne from the bottle in the ice bucket, and departed.

And Sam leaned across and smiled at Alice with that deep, dark smile…that conspiratorial smile she’d encountered so often in the past. And even though she knew exactly what was coming – and what she was going to be given – Alice’s mouth went dry.

This was the MOMENT! The moment she had never dared to hope would happen. Then Sam reached into his pocket for the little box holding her ring, which he carefully withdrew, and after taking her hand he slipped it onto the third finger of her left hand and looked into her eyes.

‘Dearest, dearest Alice, will you marry me?’ he asked softly. ‘Are you sure that you really do want to marry me?’

The brief pause that followed could have been an hour long as Alice gazed back at him. Why was he asking her that, tonight of all nights? Had his intuitive mind detected the small doubts she might have? Not doubts about their love for each other, but her doubts as to whether she could follow in his mother’s footsteps and ever truly fit in as Mrs. Carmichael. And not just be Alice Watts masquerading in the role?

Alice set her lips in a determined line. This would not do.

‘Of course I want to marry you, Sam,’ she replied. ‘I have never wanted to marry anyone else in my life.’ She gazed down at her ring. It was sparkling, glistening, the diamond throwing out little shafts of coloured light.

And after a moment, they raised their glasses and Sam murmured –

‘To us.’

‘To us,’ Alice whispered.

Then they both sipped, and the ice-cold bubbles tingled on their tongues as they gazed at each other in a kind of wonderment.

They had both chosen the same for their meal – smoked salmon, followed by medium-rare steak, and as she ate, Alice realized that she was enjoying every single mouthful. That she was going to eat everything on her plate, that her appetite really had returned. Well, that was no surprise. The sadness, the depression she had experienced during the last few months had disappeared like magic…the magic associated with new-found happiness, new-found joy, new-found hope for her future. Tonight, any fragments of self-doubt were going to be pushed to the very back of her mind.

Conversation was light as they ate – well, what could possibly follow what had just taken place? And Alice thought – later, they’d sit in front of the fire at home and just talk and talk…perhaps she’d even be able to start talking about those plans. And they’d just enjoy each other in the light of their new relationship, and she’d open the bottle of expensive wine she’d bought at the off-licence. It would probably be very late before they made their way to their bedrooms, and in the morning she would cook them a real English breakfast…bacon and eggs and fried bread and little rings of black sausage…and they’d take their time, finishing with toast and marmalade and lots and lots of tea – or coffee – if that’s what Sam would like. She didn’t know which he’d prefer because, well, there were many things she didn’t really know about Sam…so many things – small and not so small – that she didn’t know about him…

Then, later, they’d wander through the streets and alleyways of the town together and Alice would explain about Judge Jeffreys and his ghostly howlings… Sam would have a good laugh about that.

Finally, they left the restaurant and began making their way back. Alice didn’t need Sam to tuck her hand into his arm…it was suddenly the most natural thing in the world for her to do that herself. He looked down at her, pulling her into him closely.

‘We’d better get a move on,’ he said, ‘because my train leaves in an hour.’

Alice looked up at him blankly. ‘Your train? Oh – I didn’t realize you were going back tonight,’ she said.

He looked puzzled for a second. ‘Didn’t I tell you? Oh sorry, Alice, I thought I had.’

‘No, you didn’t mention that,’ Alice said.

He shrugged. ‘Sorry,’ he said again. Then – ‘No, the thing is, a few of us have been given the opportunity to observe what’s to be a very long and complicated operation on Monday morning,’ he went on, ‘and it was suggested that for those of us who were available, we should attend a pre-op talk the day before – that’s tomorrow – at 11 am.’ He paused. ‘I knew it was something I shouldn’t turn down – I need all the expert guidance I can get – so I put my name down to be there in the morning.’

He looked away, hating himself for a moment, hating to obviously disappoint her. But he didn’t want to explain – how could he ever explain – the demon of endeavour that he constantly lived with, and which sometimes tormented him? That he must strive and go on striving to be worthy of all the money that had been spent on his education, that he must be worthy of the family tradition and expectations? Not that what he had decided to do in life was anyone else’s idea of course…it had been his, all along. It had been his own choice to follow the onerous path he was treading, and he was determined to prove himself worthy of the chance to heal, to give hope, and to succeed.

But how could he ever explain the sense of guilt he felt? The guilt that still sometimes kept him awake at night? The guilt about Toby? Toby, one of his closest friends, had been on the same medical course, but had joined up to defend his country as soon as war was declared. Shouldn’t he, Sam, too, have put duty before his ruthless ambition?

Sam took a long breath as his thoughts ran on. He was more than ever determined to be the best he could possibly be, was determined to get to the very top of his profession. He would never give up. And if it sometimes meant sacrifices for himself, and for Alice, so be it. He knew that she loved him enough. She had said so.

Now, as if reading his thoughts, Alice swallowed hard over her disappointment. ‘Of course, Sam – you should be there tomorrow,’ she said. ‘I quite understand.’

‘I know it will be a fascinating experience to see this op taking place,’ Sam went on, unable to hide the sudden enthusiasm in his voice, ‘ it’s to be on a very small child with a particularly difficult brain tumour – which I know I will find uncomfortable to watch. But the surgeon is a brilliant man…I must look, learn, and inwardly digest,’ he added.

They quickened their steps back to the house, Alice unable to stop feeling disappointed and rather miserable that Sam was going back tonight. Tonight of all nights. The night of their engagement. So much for their wine and cosy conversation later, and their bacon and eggs in the morning…her euphoria so soon replaced by an acute sense of loss.

And although she readily saw his situation – couldn’t he, just for this one, very special evening of their lives, waive his point of view? Couldn’t he have put her – well, them – first, and not gone to the pre-op talk in the morning? So they could have had most of tomorrow together?

Then Alice pulled herself up short. What was she doing, having these thoughts! Because she had sealed her own fate when Sam had proposed to her. Then, she herself, had assured him that any wife of his would be pleased and proud to support him, and his chosen way of life, his profession. And she had meant every word. And did mean every word!

Still…it would have been lovely to have had her fiancé all to herself. Not to share him with anybody else. Just for this one, very special weekend of her life…

Was that really too much to ask?

Chapter Four

It was 3.30 the following Sunday. Alice had been met at Temple Meads by Fay, and Eve had come over to Bristol by bus. And as the three greeted each other exuberantly outside the Royal Hotel, one or two passers-by glanced at them quickly. Obviously some sort of celebration going on over there…

Fay glanced over her shoulder, giving a rather lop-sided victory V sign to one particularly interested observer. ‘’Ave I got something belongin’ to you, or are you just admirin’ me get-up?’ she called out, turning around with a swirl to give a better view of herself.

Eve caught hold of her, laughing. ‘Oh, Fay…you are awful!’ she exclaimed. ‘We can’t take you anywhere! Now you’ve embarrassed the poor chap!’

‘So what? He shouldn’t be staring at us like that,’ Fay said firmly. She glanced behind her again. ‘Still – he’s a good-looker, isn’t he? Perhaps he’d like to join us for tea – or join me later for something stronger!’ She put two fingers in her mouth and emitted a long shrill whistle. ‘Oy, you over there – I’ll be up the Mauretania later,’ she shouted suggestively.

The other two instinctively put their arms around Fay’s waist and escorted her into the entrance, and Alice said – ‘Fay Reynolds, you have not improved one bit since we last met! Remember how you were always teasing poor Roger like that? On our very first night you shouted down the stairs asking him to come and tuck us up! Remember?’ Alice shook her head. When you turned up at the farm, life was never going to be the same for him again!’

‘I certainly hope hot,’ Fay replied smartly. ‘He needed a kick up the pants, spending his whole life in solitary confinement down there.’ She grinned. ‘Anyway, he enjoyed a bit of a tease, didn’t he…’

‘And you were the one who always gave it to him, Fay,’ Eve said, sighing. ‘I always envied your cheek, how you always seemed able to get away with anything.’

Alice glanced at the other two fondly. Being with Fay and Evie again was like putting on a pair of lovely, comfy shoes…shoes that she knew wouldn’t suddenly expose underlying problems…

Inside, as they took their seats at the low, round table, there was a distinct air of excitement between them…well, they hadn’t been together for months, and Evie had such a lot to tell and had waited too long to get it off her chest – in person. Now there would be no stopping her!

And presently Alice would tell them her news. She had deliberately kept her gloves on to keep her secret for just a bit longer. Besides, the main reason they were here was to listen to Evie – who’d insisted that today’s occasion was to be her long-awaited treat for them all.

Fay, who was dressed in dark slacks and a bright red blouse the colour of her lipstick, her long hair dyed blonde, as usual, looked across at Eve and grinned. ‘Come on then, our Evie, spit it out,’ she said.

‘Well, I told you most of it on the phone,’ Eve said, ‘but the thing is, it’s still all going brilliantly – with Max and my parents, I mean. You remember I told you that they’d invited him to tea just after Christmas? Well, that’s become more or less a weekly occurrence – and I still can’t believe that it’s happened quite so easily – or so quickly. They’re beginning to treat him like one of the family!’

Eve paused for a moment, letting her words sink in. Then – ‘I only found out at Christmas time how they’d loved to have had more children,’ she said slowly, ‘so I was wrong, wasn’t I, in thinking that they’d resented having me…in fact, they said they were really sorry not to have given me a brother or a sister to grow up with.’

Alice dropped her gaze for a second as she listened to what Eve was saying. Yes, she thought, having a family, a family of your very own, always there to support you in every way must be wonderful. A family whose genes you shared, genes which bound you all together for ever. And however close she felt to Sam – and to his family – she could never really belong to them like a proper relative. It was just not possible. She bit her lip at her own thoughts. Sam still had his father, and four siblings…four! Just one or two would be enough for Alice. And he also had an uncle, and cousins…blood relatives, proper relatives…while she had only ever had her mother – and her father for a very short time. The uncles she’d heard about had been killed in the Great War, and she’d never met either of her grandparents because they had all died very young.

‘Anyway,’ Eve went on, ‘my father’s scones are getting better all the time – in fact we have Victoria sponges as well now. And of course my mother loves getting out her rosebud china tea service for each occasion.’

Both the others smiled at Eve’s exuberance – and thought how lovely she was looking. She was wearing a pretty, floral print dress and green jacket, her wonderful auburn curls framing a face which was alive with joy and excitement. Today was going to be a far happier event than the last time they’d been together, when Eve had been so certain that her parents would never accept their daughter having any sort of relationship with a divorcee.

‘And how is it between you and Max at work?’ Alice asked. ‘Do the rest of the staff know that you’re seeing each other – properly, I mean?’

‘Oh yes, they do now,’ Eve replied. ‘I think they’ve always known that we, well, like each other, but it must be obvious that we’re going out together. And I’m working four days a week now, so we see each other even more.’ She smiled at the others. ‘He’s teaching me the guitar – honestly, Max can play so many instruments! He puts me in the shade with my piano playing.’

‘No one will ever put you in the shade, Evie,’ Fay said firmly.

‘And as well as that, he’s going to tune our piano at home,’ Eve went on, ignoring Fay’s remark. ‘He does that as well, and he’s always out and about visiting clients – he’s promised my father that he’ll come over soon, and tune ours for us. And I can assure you that my parents are very, very fussy about who has anything to do with their precious instrument – which after all did feature so strongly in their professional music careers.’ Eve’s eyes clouded for a moment. ‘Of course, there’s still lots going on about Max’s divorce, but he should soon be free. Until then he’s living by himself at home in Newbridge – so I think he really likes coming to our house which he says he finds so cosy…and welcoming. Diana, his soon to be ex-wife, is already living with her new lover at his place in Combe Down.’ Eve sighed. ‘Poor Max,’ she said slowly, ‘he never deserved to be let down like that.’

Just then the waitress arrived with their tea – tiny sandwiches and iced cakes on tiered stands, together with a plate of scones, jam and cream. And as the girl placed the large silver tea pot and water jug down on the table, Alice, Fay and Eve exchanged glances. This might not exactly be the Ritz experience they’d had during the war, but it was near enough. And they were going to enjoy it.

The waitress departed, and Alice decided that this might be a good moment to share her news. She reached for the teapot.

‘I’ll pour,’ she said, slipping off her gloves.

But before she could begin to fill even half a cup, Fay nearly jumped off her chair.

‘Flippin’ ’eck, Alice,’ she exclaimed, leaning right across to stare at Alice’s hand. ‘What is that on your finger? And why the hell haven’t you spilt the beans before this?’

Now Eve joined in. ‘Alice…you’re engaged! When…how…I mean, I – we – had no idea! Is the wedding going to be soon?’

Alice glanced around quickly to see if anyone was listening. ‘Shhh,’ she said, ‘no need to tell the whole of Bristol, Evie.’ She lowered her voice. ‘I didn’t tell you because it’s all happened so quickly. I’ve only been engaged for a couple of weeks – and I’m still getting used to it.’ She went on filling their cups, her hands visibly shaking. Well, they always shook when she was excited. And Alice was certainly excited today to share her wonderful news with her two best friends.

For the next few moments, all thought of food was forgotten as the other two bent their heads over Alice’s ring, both murmuring their total admiration of the beautiful diamond. And today it seemed lovelier than ever in the discreet lighting of the tea room. Then Fay looked up at Alice, her face serious for a second.

‘And is this the man of your dreams, Alice?’ she said quietly. ‘The man who’s possessed your heart for most of your life?’ She didn’t mention those letters of his which she’d seen Alice reading, and which she knew Alice treasured above all else.

Alice nodded happily. ‘It is, Fay,’ she said. ‘It’s Sam. Sam Carmichael. And his proposal came as a complete surprise – or should I say shock! He’d asked me to go to their Clifton house where he was staying temporarily, to discuss something he needed an answer to. And it turned out he wanted to ask me to marry him! But he wasn’t sure that any woman could bear to be a surgeon’s wife – with all the pressures, the long hours, and absences when he wouldn’t be there.’ Alice leaned forward. ‘The funny thing is – I thought he was talking about Millicent – his cousin – you know, the woman we saw him with at The Ritz? But he wasn’t talking about her – he said she’d never been anything to him but his cousin, and that he has always loved me. Me!’ Alice shook her head slowly. ‘I still can’t believe it,’ she added.

‘Well blow me down,’ Fay said. ‘Why on earth didn’t the silly blighter come out with it sooner and save you all the heartache? Honestly, men! Still,’ she looked at Alice, thinking how beautiful the girl looked in that rather nice grey cashmere dress. She’d swept up her hair, as usual, Fay noted, but it was more casual today, with several dainty fronds left loose to follow the contours of her face. Alice had never done her hair like that before, and it suited her.

‘Anyway, better late than never I suppose,’ Fay went on, ‘and if you ask me, he’s a lucky beggar to be marrying you, Alice, whoever he is.’ She paused to drink from her cup. ‘So – when are we going to get a look at this Adonis may I enquire? And when’s the happy day? Not too soon, I hope,’ she added, ‘because I’ve chipped a nail and it won’t look good for several weeks.’

For a while after that they began to really enjoy their tea, and presently, when all the sandwiches had been eaten and they’d begun to tuck into the cakes, Alice said –

‘The wedding’s not until December, so you’ll have plenty of time for your nail to grow, Fay, but…’ she paused for a moment, ‘but to be perfectly honest, the thought of everything that’s ahead of me, all the planning and arranging, is already giving me nightmares.’ Alice paused before drinking from her cup. Should she share anything else with the others…the stupid anxieties that had begun to creep in? Like whether she could really be the wife Sam might expect, or whether she was ever going to fit in as a Carmichael? Deciding against confiding in them, Alice went on – ‘I mean – how soon should I give in my notice – don’t forget that when I leave, I’ll lose my home as well as my job…and where shall I get my dress – if there are any worth looking at in the shops – and will I have enough coupons and enough money to pay for my share of things?’ She shivered. ‘I’m feeling panicky already and there are still nine months to go.’

‘Oh for Gawd’s sake, Alice, don’t be so wet!’ Fay said crossly. ‘Me and Evie’ll help you sort out all your problems. So stop going on – and pass me one of those iced things.’

Alice decided to change the subject. Passing the cakes over to Fay, she said, ‘How are your mother, and your grandmother, Fay? Are they still living together in Brislington?

‘Yep – thankfully, ‘Fay said, ‘in fact, my mother recovered from my father’s death very quickly – and seems happier than I’ve ever seen her. But of course, that’s thanks to my gran,’ she went on, ‘because she’s encouraged my mum to join the local church with her where there’s a little club for older people, and they have whist drives and the occasional tea party…and twice last year they all went on a charabanc outing to Weston and Cheddar…they really enjoyed that.’

Fay looked pensive for a moment. Then, ‘Yes, my mum seems to have come right out of herself…more alive to what’s going on. And I’m so thankful to see her happy. Because that makes me happy, too,’ she added.

Alice kept her eyes on her plate. There it was again, loud and clear. Family. People to care about, and who care about you. She didn’t know whether Fay had any other relatives but she still had her mother and grandmother. And Eve had both her parents, still there and going strong by all accounts. While she, Alice, had absolutely no one left at all. She suddenly felt very alone, and it frightened her…but how silly was that? Because she’d been “alone” for many years, hadn’t she? But she couldn’t help it. Even though her longed-for wish had come true, she was frightened at the thought of all that went with becoming Sam’s wife, and it was making her feel like a very small boat being tossed about in a vast sea of uncertainty.

Annoyed, Alice gritted her teeth. This introspection had to stop. She reached over to re-fill Eve’s cup, and glanced across at Fay.

‘We haven’t heard all about your driving lessons yet, Fay,’ Alice said.

Fay grinned. ‘Well, they were a bit of a laugh, really,’ she said, ‘because of course we had very little petrol. Miss Downs’s ration didn’t go that far, so a lot of stuff I learned off-road, on her drive! There was just enough room to practise the three-point-turns, and her house is on a bit of a slope so we didn’t have to go far to do the hill-starts. Anyway, Miss Downs said I was a natural.’ Fay smirked. ‘The last bit of advice she gave me was not to get fresh with the examiner on the day. As if I would! So there you have it – driving’s a piece of cake – and you two should learn, as well,’ she added. ‘It’s as important for a woman to be able to drive as it is for any man to do it – after all, a lot of the trucks and ambulances during the war were driven by women – and more and more of us will have our own cars one day, you’ll see. There’ll be as many women behind the wheel as men in the future – and it won’t be long coming, either.’

The others nodded, Eve slightly anxious at the thought of being in charge of anything that had an engine, and Fay went on, ‘See, one of the reasons I wanted to have a car was to that I could take my mum and my gran out sometimes…out in the country. My gran used to live near Chew Magna when she was a child, and she’s going to love being taken around her old haunts.’ Fay paused. ‘I love my gran…she’s been so good to me,’ she added.

‘And have you joined the Young Conservatives, yet, Fay? Eve asked, stirring sugar into her cup, and Fay nodded.

‘Yeah – I’ve been to a few meetings. They’re usually held in the Gaiety Ballroom.’ She shrugged. ‘I usually sit at the back somewhere and watch what’s going on – and I can tell you, nothing much does! Whoever stands up to talk they take about five minutes to say something that could have been said in five seconds, and you’d never believe how long the discussion took about a new road sign that the Council have put up at the end of Broad Walk! The nattering went on for ever! And last time, there was the hot topic of the tennis courts being opened at different hours… all talk for the sake of talk. Anyway,’ Fay shrugged, ‘to be honest. I don’t know if I can be bothered with all that blathering.’ She grinned. ‘It might be different if I could get straight to No.10 Downing Street and make sure that women were paid the same as men for doing the same job!’

‘Oh,’ Eve said, slightly disappointed. She’d have thought Fay could have been a useful person in politics. Then – ‘And what about your job at the Council House?’

Fay shrugged. ‘It’s OK,’ she said doubtfully. ‘But I don’t think it’s for me in the long term. I used to have more fun at Woolworths! Still,’ she helped herself to another iced sponge, ‘I don’t know what really is for me, Evie,’ she said flatly. ‘Never satisfied, that’s me. I’ve told you – I’m the restless type. Perhaps it’ll have to be London, one day, after all.’

Presently, with almost all the food eaten and the last of the tea squeezed from the pot, Eve said –

‘Won’t it be lovely to see the Foulkeses again? We haven’t been back at all, have we? It’s ages since we saw them. Dear Mrs. Foulkes! What shall we give her for her birthday?’

The others had already thought about this. ‘Well,’ Fay said, ‘I tracked down some more of that Coty perfume we gave her when we left – d’you remember how thrilled she was to have it? I’m sure she’ll have used all that up by now…this other one’s different, but just as nice. Shall we give her that?’