The Last Kids on Earth

‘Wait, wait – Project What-Now?’ I ask. I’m suddenly more concerned that I’ve clearly been left out of something massive than I am about a bunch of bone-soldiers.

‘Not now, Jack!’ Dirk snaps and I follow his eyes upwards, to a skeleton flinging itself at us, hands gripping a battle-axe. Seconds before it cleaves us, June jumps in, using Blasty to block the blow –

Dirk grabs the skeleton and shot-puts it across the laser tag arena.

‘Guys, good news!’ June exclaims. ‘Jack’s fear of ever missing out on anything ever might have just saved the day. That block totally unjammed Blasty!’

She cocks the loading mechanism and slides the goo-slime grenade in. Totally ready to rock.

Fear seems to have settled into the skeletons, something we never saw happen with the zombies.

They all take a slow step backwards . . .

‘Catch!’ June says cheerfully and she fires the goo-slime grenade directly into a group of thirty skeletal soldiers.

There’s an explosion of greens and pinks, which mix together, creating a swirling fog.

‘You need a better catchphrase,’ I tell June as the fog clears.

‘Oh, you mean like “fisticuffs”?’ she asks with a teasing grin.

‘HEY!’ I exclaim. ‘THAT WAS A WORK IN PROGRESS! THE APOCALYPSE HAD JUST STARTED, THINGS WERE CONFUSING AND I THINK IT WAS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME MAYBE!’

Just then, Globlet comes hopping over. ‘Whoa, June! You did that? Right on, girlfriend! Rad.’

Globlet’s right – rad indeed.

June’s goo-slime grenade completely blew apart two dozen enemies. The vines have melted away to nothing and smoke coils off their chalky remains.

A few injured skeletons stagger around. One raises a bone-axe high in an attempt to attack. But the weight pulls it backwards and it flops on to the ground.

‘Whoa, whoa,’ Globlet says. ‘Those sizzling vines smell straight-up nasty.’

‘Uh-huh,’ Dirk grunts. ‘And I’m not sure the party’s over yet.’

As the smoke clears, we see dozens more skeleton soldiers approaching.

I swing my blade, bringing Alfred, Lefty and Glurm shambling forwards. The zombies stare down the skeleton squad. Biggun looms behind us. Rover strides forwards until he stands beside me.

The skeletons pause. They might not have brains, but they do know enough not to get beaten and broken on purpose.

‘Let’s see just how smart they are,’ June says. She reaches down and pops open the side of Blasty. Then, empty-handed, she mimes sliding in another goo-slime grenade.

‘You want some more?!’ she barks and points the cannon at the skeleton horde.

They sway back and forth.

My heart pounds – if they don’t buy it, we’ll be overrun. Then – a loud HISS – and, at once, they turn and go, scurrying away, into the parking lot, into the distance.

‘AND STAY OUT!’ Dirk shouts.

‘The goo-slime worked quite well, friend,’ Quint says. ‘But they’ll soon be back.’

‘And in greater numbers,’ I say.

Quint grins. ‘Like Tusken Raiders!’

‘Hey, speaking of – we need a name for those dudes. Skeleton soldiers? Bone battlers? Vine villains!’

Dirk groans at the Star Wars nerd conversation. As we make our way through the crumbled course and towards our BoomKarts, my mind is racing.

I guess, sure, technically, we won that fight. But it doesn’t feel that way. That was close. Too close. And the size of that fighting force was, like, I dunno – an appetizer! No doubt Thrull’s got something bigger planned for the main course.

chapter three

OK, so I’m officially calling that the First Battle of the Skeletons, ’cause it sounds epic and historic. And during that epic and historic battle, Alfred, Lefty and Glurm proved themselves the zombies most worthy of joining my ZOMBIE SQUAD.

And right now, they’re the only ones keeping me company, because Quint, Dirk and June went MIA immediately after our skeleton brawl.

Quint and Dirk left to work on ‘Project Day-Glo,’ though they won’t spill the beans on what it is. And – not gonna lie – that’s super frustrating for a person like me, who likes to know what his buddies are doing at all times because that’s the type of thing buddies should know!

And June ran off with Globlet and Biggun to fortify the town’s defences, now that we know Thrull’s soldiers are within striking distance.

Which leaves me and my zombies for a skeleton battle debrief. Sure, we were victorious, but I gotta be sure they know who’s in charge.

An ear-shattering SHRIEK interrupts my dramatic speech. I shove my head out the window: it’s Phyllis, the pelican-monster who keeps watch on the town wall. This is a big deal: a Phyllis shriek is the signal that someone – or something – is approaching town.

‘Uhh – talk amongst yourselves, zombie buds!’ I say and I send them shambling away. Moments later, I’m at the edge of the Town Square, squeezing my way through the gathering monster crowd.

I find June up front, peering through binoculars. Globlet is perched on her shoulder.

‘What is it?’ I ask excitedly. ‘Bad guys? Good guys? Average guys?’

June lowers the binoculars – and I see that her eyes are wet with joy. ‘It’s Skaelka!’ she says.

‘She better have brought me a snow globe,’ Globlet chirps. ‘She promised!’

I grin. Skaelka’s return is a huge relief. We’ve all been on edge since she ventured out in search of information about the Outpost.

Skaelka’s riding her Carapace like a horse down Main Street. She bobs and sways in the car’s saddle seat. A hood covers her head. Her axe glints in the bright afternoon sun.

The Carapace scuttles slowly down the road, claws stabbing the ground awkwardly, like one of those dogs wearing shoes. I realise that the Carapace is hurt. Its outer shell – the car – must have gotten torn off in battle and one broken cannon trails limply off the back of its body.

‘Looks like they saw some action out there,’ I say grimly.

‘YOU’RE BACK!’ June shouts as Skaelka brings the Carapace to a stop. Skaelka’s barely out of the saddle and June’s launching a full-blown interrogation. ‘Where have you been?? What did you find out?? What took you so long?’

‘And did you find an Arbys?!’ Globlet demands. ‘Was it true? DID they have the meats?’

Skaelka’s silent. She pats the Carapace and the creature hobbles off towards its sleeping hole, where it’ll nap until needed again.

Skaelka removes her hood – and that’s when I see that her Carapace isn’t the only one with battle scars. Her skin is horribly sun-beaten and marked with cuts and raw bruises. Her armour is dented, her sash is torn and her lucky Dozer-whacking cudgel is gunk-splattered.

‘Yeep,’ Globlet says. ‘You look crummy.’

Normally, Skaelka would punt Globlet for a crack like that. But not now. I see none of that usual frenetic Skaelka energy we’ve come to know and love and – on occasion – fear.

Skaelka’s voice is raspy and dry. ‘I have been riding two days straight. I need refreshments.’

‘I’ll grab you a soda,’ I say.

‘No soda,’ she says. ‘This thirst is fierce. Only pepperoni rolls can quench it . . .’

Skaelka answers none of June’s questions – she just shoves another fistful of pepperoni rolls into her mouth and washes them down with a gulp of ranch dressing.

Finally, Skaelka leans back in the booth. I have a feeling that whatever she says next – it’s gonna change everything. My foot is bouncing on the floor, going a mile a minute.

‘Monsters are choosing sides,’ Skaelka begins. ‘Many have pledged their allegiance to Thrull.’

‘But Bardle told me that many were on the side of good,’ I say. ‘Like the Scrapken.’

‘Some, yes,’ Skaelka says. ‘But many are not. Which made acquiring information difficult.’ She gestures to her wounds and June winces. I can tell she feels bad that Skaelka had to sacrifice to get this info. But then again, we’re fighting evil, everyone’s doing some sacrificing.

‘The Outpost you seek is controlled by Ryķk,’ Skaelka says. ‘He is a former Rifter – now involved in many bad businesses in many bad places.’

‘Ryķk,’ Globlet growls. ‘So he’s the one I talk to about my snow globe . . .’

‘If this guy runs the Outpost, he’ll know where to find Thrull and his Tower,’ June says. She leans forwards. Using her investigative-reporter-on- a-deadline voice, she asks, ‘So where is this . . . Ryķk?’

Skaelka digs into her rucksack, then tosses a large gold coin on to the table . . .

‘Whoa,’ I say. ‘There’s dried monster blood on this thing. But I wonder if . . .’

I begin scratching at the crusted gunk. Soon, I see words beneath the blood. I squint to read them – and I just about burst out laughing.

‘This is a token! From Chaz and Slammers! The arcade metropolis!’

June takes the coin from me. ‘Lemme see.’

‘Chaz and Slammers is where Ryķk resides,’ Skaelka says, knocking back another cup of ranch. ‘It is the Outpost where the Boss Rifter was going, before you defeated him . . .’

‘But there are, like, a million Chaz and Slammers locations,’ I say. ‘How are we supposed to know which one is Ryķk’s Outpost place?’

‘Springtown!’ June says happily. I glance over. She’s using her binoculars as a magnifying glass. ‘It says it here on the token: Springtown!’

‘What? That’s halfway across the country,’ I say. ‘Maybe more!’

June looks at me sidelong, grinning. ‘Then I guess we’re going halfway across the country.’

‘Ryķk will not help you for free,’ Skaelka says. ‘But I may be able to assist you. Ryķk is a collector. He appreciates hard-to-acquire objects and items. Items like this . . .’

She pulls out a knife, lifts her tail up on to the table, then begins cutting. I realise she’s sawing off one of the small spikes that dot her tail. She flinches – just barely – as purple monster blood drips on to the table.

Skaelka starts to hand the severed spike to June. June’s hesitant to take it.

‘June,’ I whisper. ‘You can’t refuse a gifted appendage. It’s just rude.’

Reluctantly, June takes it. I stifle a laugh as I watch June almost put it into her pocket, then decide that might be weird, so she instead wraps it in a napkin and just awkwardly holds it.

Skaelka leans forwards. ‘I must warn you: this Outpost . . . it is a dangerous place. You will never find a more wretched hive of –’

‘Fun?’ I ask. ‘ ’Cause the commercials make Chaz and Slammers look super fun.’

‘No,’ Skaelka says. ‘It will contain –’

‘As many skill-based games as you can play in a lifetime? ’Cause the commercials claim that Chaz and Slammers has –’

‘No!’ Skaelka snaps – and I decide, OK, I’ll shut up for now. ‘There will be cruel, conniving creatures, beasts who would eagerly pluck out your organs and boil them as soup.’

‘Doesn’t matter,’ June says before I can answer. ‘ ’Cause we’re going. The Outpost may be dangerous, but no way it’s worse than what Thrull and his Tower have in store for our dimension. If we don’t act now, before they do, I worry those vine-skeleton warriors are gonna be the least of our problems . . .’

chapter four

Suddenly, the front doors fly open and Quint bursts into Joe’s Pizza. ‘Jack! June! Come, quick! It’s finally finished!’

‘Your Downton Abbey ancestral family tree?’ I ask.

‘Your toothpick replica of the Death Star?’ June asks.

‘Even better!’ Quint says. ‘Come on! I just need to stir the formula . . .’

‘OK – that sounds foreboding . . .› June says.

‘But also . . . rad?’ I say.

Moments later, we’re following Quint through Joe’s Pizza. I wave hi to a few buddies as we walk through the kitchen and into the huge cold storage room. Inside, I see three massive tanks. Quint hurries up a stepladder and starts stirring.

‘It smells like hot dogs and sweat,’ June says.

‘And I love it!’ I say. ‘How long did it take you guys to build this??’

‘Wasn’t that big a project,’ Dirk says with a shrug. ‘I used to help my dad at his work sites and they were bigger than this. The biggest!’

We all stare at Dirk for an awkward moment. ‘What?’ Dirk says, ‘My dad was a master builder. Before I was born, he worked on, like, the space station, the old Yankee Stadium, lots of celebrities’ houses.’

We continue to stare at Dirk and the awkward moment grows longer. Thankfully, Quint jumps in. ‘Now, the formula is nontoxic to humans – but extremely toxic to Thrull’s vines.’

‘After the battle with Thrull and the Tendrill, I knew we’d need more goo-slime,’ Quint says. ‘A lot.’

Dirk nods. ‘And this morning’s skeleton battle proved the nerd was right. Luckily, while you’ve been off playing zombie hopscotch, we built this,’ he says, showcasing the factory like Vanna White. ‘Three full tanks of goo for the next time those skull-heads show up.’

‘Good timing,’ June says. ‘Because I also have big news! SKAELKA’S BACK! And she found out –’

‘WHERE THE OUTPOST IS!’ I exclaim triumphantly.

‘OK, dude, thanks for stealing my thunder,’ June says. ‘But yeah – Skaelka found it. And that means, it’s time for us to leave.’

Quint thinks for a short moment, then nods. ‘OK, then. We knew this day would come.’

Dirk taps the tank a few times. ‘Well, all right.’

‘Yes!’ June says, totally amped up. ‘We’re gonna find the Outpost! Then discover where Thrull is building his Tower! And then we’ll go destroy it! And then we’ll save this dimension and any other survivors who might be out there!’

I swallow.

I knew that someday we’d have to head out and hunt down Thrull’s Tower. But until now, that always felt like some faraway distant errand. But now it’s actually happening – and the reality of leaving Wakefield is sinking in.

And I feel . . . well . . . I’m not sure . . . I’m trying to get my head around it, when June jumps in, all excited.

‘Now that we finally know where we need to go,’ June says, ‘we can chart a course. And all good road trips have a pre-planned itinerary.’

‘We’ll need a map,’ Quint says. ‘Preferably, a very old one with a thousand creases that you can never get folded back up correctly.’

‘I have a map,’ Dirk says, ‘and not just any map. It’s the ULTIMATE road trip map.’

‘Um, amazing,’ June says. ‘Where is it?’

‘At my house,’ Dirk says. ‘My, uh, old house.’

Everyone’s quiet for a moment.

None of us have ever been to Dirk’s house. He never brought it up and we never asked. Part of me thought maybe he never actually had a house; just couldn’t picture it. I half imagined that before all this he just lived off the land and stolen lunch money . . .

But I’ve gone to dozens of different schools. And if that taught me anything, it’s that school bullies – and that’s what Dirk was, 100 per cent, before the Monster Apocalypse – can come from all sorts of backgrounds. You can’t pin ’em.

‘OK, then,’ June says. ‘Time for a mini practice road trip to Dirk’s house before the real road trip, the big one, WHERE WE SAVE THE WORLD!’

Dirk’s house ends up being just a regular house on a regular street in a regular neighbourhood. We had passed it a million times before, but never knew it was where Dirk grew up.

‘Oh wow,’ June says as we follow Dirk inside. She takes a deep breath. ‘INCREDIBLE. I forgot what it was like to be inside a house that doesn’t smell like Reese’s and melted Swedish Fish.’

‘Yeah, it was just me and my old man,’ he mumbles as we look around. ‘Kept it simple.’

Quint, June and I pace a few feet behind Dirk, watching him. It’s gotta be weird for him, being back here after all this time. So much has changed; this feels like walking into a time capsule. There’s even a stack of unopened mail on the mantel.

I think we all probably have a billion questions. But mainly, I just wanna know: Was Dirk ever, like, a kid?

‘So, uh . . . let’s see this map,’ June finally says.

‘In here.’ Dirk sounds relieved to be on task.

He leads us into a small den behind the small kitchen. I see a couch, a well-worn recliner, a TV – and one huge map!

Across the top of the map, I read the words: ‘DIRK AND DAD’S ULTIMATE ROAD TRIP!’

The map is covered in pins. ‘Are the pins all places you’ve been?’ I ask.

‘The pins? Nah, they’re places me and my dad were gonna stop,’ Dirk says somewhat proudly. ‘On our Ultimate Road Trip. Each pin is a different roadside attraction.’

‘That’s super fun,’ June says, smiling.

‘Yup. We were gonna go everywhere,’ Dirk says.

Quint asks, ‘What happened?’

Dirk looks away quickly and shrugs. ‘Uh. I mean, the, uh, Monster Apocalypse – it kinda messed up our plans. And my dad was busy working. He worked a lot.’

‘Of course,’ June says sombrely.

I’m not digging the mood here – it does not feel like the start to an adventure-filled road trip.

‘Hey, Dirk. This map is perfect,’ I say. ‘For real.’ I point at the little dot that says Springtown. ‘It’s just what we need to navigate our way to the Outpost.’

‘And look!’ June says, helping Dirk unpin it from the wall. ‘We’ll pass, like, dozens of the places you were gonna go! Dirk, we’re going to check off tons of stops on your road trip!’

For a split second, I’m worried Dirk is ticked off. Like we’re trying to hijack his father-son road trip – replace his dad or something . . .

For a long moment, Dirk stands there, staring at the map.

Then he turns around – and a huge smile is spreading across his face. ‘We’re goin’ road-trippin’, guys. We’re goin’ road-trippin’.’

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