Texas Rebels: Jude

Paige smiled patiently at the woman, not wanting to explain her nervous stomach had nothing to do with flying. It had to do with facing her past and all the mistakes she’d made. Actually, just one mistake. The big one that haunted her days and nights.

Passengers began to stand and Paige reached for her carryall to join the queue leaving the plane. She navigated the airport and quickly made it to the baggage carousel to retrieve her luggage. Holding her suitcase, she looked around for her sister and saw her across the room, waving.

Time stood still for a moment as she gazed at the sister who had been a lifeline. Staci was two years older and had taken care of Paige, especially when their mother was on one of her rampages. And that had been quite often when she’d been drinking. Their mother had blamed them for her lousy life and she’d taken it out on them whenever she could.

She’d never hit them. That would have left bruises. She’d used words that left scars buried deep inside, scars that would never heal. Their brother, Luke, had joined the army right out of high school and that had left Staci and Paige to fend for themselves.

There’d always been men in their mother’s life. The three of them all had different fathers, whose identities were a mystery to them and surely to their mother, too. Paige used to search the faces of men in town trying to find a resemblance, but she’d soon given up, knowing it wouldn’t make any difference. But she would always wonder. That was just human nature.

A lousy childhood had not prepared her for the real world. Her dream was to leave Horseshoe and to get as far away from her mother as she could. That was why she’d studied constantly and gotten good grades—to win a scholarship so she could get out of a home life where she was criticized and demeaned.

Her ticket out had come with a price. One she’d thought she could pay, but she’d been wrong. The price was too high. A naive, troubled girl didn’t realize it at the time. And she would pay that price for the rest of her life.

She walked toward her sister, carrying her luggage. Staci looked much the same, only older. They’d once had the same mousy-brown hair, as her mother had called it. When Paige was little, she thought she had mice in her hair. She hadn’t quite understood the description. When she was older, she knew it was just one more criticism her mother had heaped upon her.

Other than that, they didn’t resemble each other. And their looks had changed some over the years. With the help of a good stylist, Staci’s hair was now a darker brown, which looked great with her blue eyes. Paige had trimmed and highlighted her thick tresses so she was now more of a blonde with dark green eyes. Their brother had brown eyes. They were an eclectic mix or a hodgepodge of their mother’s love life.

Paige dropped her suitcase and hugged her sister tightly. She’d missed her. But not as much as she’d missed... She couldn’t think his name. She just couldn’t. Or the nausea would come back.

Staci drew back and looked at her sister. “My, look at you. Don’t you look sophisticated in heels and a nice dress. I love your hair! California has changed you, or has being a doctor made this transformation?”

“Me?” Paige quickly steered the conversation in another direction. “Look at you! How much weight have you lost?” Both sisters had a tendency to gain weight. They had that in common.

“About thirty pounds.” Staci swung around in her summer dress and did a bow. “I feel great. I have a fabulous job and great friends and I feel good about myself for the first time in my life.”

“It shows.” Staci had a job at a hotel in Austin. She’d started working at a hotel in Temple right out of high school and was soon offered a better job with more benefits in Austin. She was in charge of parties and banquets and she loved it.

Nothing else was said as they made their way to Staci’s car and it gave Paige a chance to regroup and calm her shaky nerves. She’d talked to her sister many times over the years, but she never shared her deep dark secrets with anyone, not even her sister. The embarrassment and shame she couldn’t share. It went deep into her soul where no one was allowed. She’d been a private person all her life and the only one she’d let get close was...

“Have you heard from Luke?” Paige asked to change her train of thought.

“Yes. He’ll be at the funeral tomorrow. He’s stationed at Fort Polk and he’ll be leaving at the end of the month for another deployment.”

“I know. We spoke last week.” They reached the car and Paige put her suitcase in the backseat and got in the vehicle. “I’m so proud of him and what he’s accomplished with his career in the army.”

Staci backed out of the parking spot and headed for the exit sign. “I’m proud of all of us. After a traumatic childhood, we turned out pretty good.”

Paige smoothed the fabric of her dress and then watched as the parking terminal flashed by. “Do you think any of us will ever be happy, though?”

“I’m happy,” Staci insisted. “I meet so many wonderful people and they’re kind and gracious and treat me with respect. That’s all a person needs.”

“And love,” Paige murmured under her breath.

“Well—” Staci turned out of the terminal “—we’re kind of gun-shy in that department, but you know what love is. And one time you were madly in love with—”

“Don’t say his name.” Paige stopped her with panic in her voice.

Staci gave her a sharp glance as she negotiated the traffic. “Why not? It was a long time ago and you’ve both moved on. He has a little boy now. I haven’t been back to Horseshoe all that much, so I don’t know the details about his marriage.”

He’d married someone else. He had a child. While she...

“Could we not talk about it, please?”

“Okay.” They drove in silence for a long time before Staci said, “What’s going on with you? You’re tense and sad and it’s not about Mom’s death.”

Paige swallowed the lump in her throat. “It’s very upsetting to go back and relive all that heartache and pain.”

“Yeah, I know, kiddo. I lived through it with you. But as I told you on the phone a couple years ago, the doctors at the mental hospital said Mom’s problems started with the wreck that killed her parents. She suffered severe head trauma and back injuries, and she wasn’t the same afterward. Even Uncle Harry said that. As the years passed, it just got worse because she refused any treatment and couldn’t stay off the liquor.”

Paige had always known there had to be a reason for her mother’s behavior, but it still didn’t wipe away a child’s pain. Her mother was gone now and she had to learn to forgive. She knew all too well how circumstances could change a person’s life.

“How often did you visit her?”

Staci heaved a sigh. “Whenever I could force myself to go—holidays, her birthday and Mother’s Day. I always took her flowers and chocolates. At the end, she was very sad, Paige.”

She closed her eyes tightly, not wanting to hear any good things about her mother. In her emotional state, she couldn’t handle it. The bitterness and the resentment held her together like Elmer’s glue, and if they were gone, she would crumble into nothing. Her sins would rise to the surface and she would have to admit that she was worse than her mother. At least her mother had never given away one of her children.

“Enough with the maudlin stuff. I have a two-bedroom apartment and you and Luke are staying with me. I thought it would be nice if we were together. He’s coming in tonight and we’ll have dinner. I’m cooking. And it’s not peanut butter and jelly or corn dogs. How did we survive on that?”

“Don’t forget milk and cereal.”

“Mmm. But, you know, the past is the past and what we do now with our lives is up to us. Adversity has made us stronger and we can handle anything.”

Paige wasn’t so sure about that. She didn’t know if she could handle going back to Horseshoe, Texas, and reliving that terrible time.

* * *

JUDE RODE INTO the barn followed by his brother Phoenix. He was home from the rodeo circuit for a few days and helping on the ranch. He and Phoenix had been born in the same year, January and December, and they were close growing up, almost like twins. But Phoenix had always had an interest in the rodeo, while Jude had just wanted to cowboy for real.

As they were unsaddling, Quincy and Elias rode in from their day’s work on the ranch. “I’ll finish up for you, Jude,” Quincy said. “You got a date tonight and it’s getting late.”

Jude threw his saddle over a rail. “I canceled.”

His brothers stopped what they were doing and stared at him. Quincy placed his hands on his hips. “Why?”

“I can’t go out and have a good time with this Paige thing hanging over my head. I have to figure out what I’m going to do. I have to think about Zane and what’s best for him.”

Elias pulled off his hat, slapped it against his leg, making the dust fly. “The way I see it, Paige is here for a funeral, and as soon as it’s over, she’ll be gone again. She probably has a big practice out in California. I don’t know what you’re worried about.”

“I usually never agree with Elias, but he could be right.” Quincy hung his saddle on a rail and stared at Jude. “Go out and have a good time tonight and you’ll be relaxed and able to see things more clearly.”

“You wouldn’t do that, Quincy. You wouldn’t put your pleasure before someone you loved.”

Quincy pulled off his gloves and stuffed them into his saddlebags. “Yeah, you’re probably right.”

“Paige is Zane’s mother and I have to tell her what I did or I’ll never be able to live with myself. Doesn’t matter if she’s married and has other kids. Zane has a right to know his mother and maybe get the chance to meet her.”

All day, thoughts of Zane and Paige had gone round and round in his mind. It all came down to the same thing: what was best for Zane. Jude had lived his whole life with that in mind and he wasn’t changing now, even if it was going to take a piece of his heart to face her.

Falcon walked into the barn. “Everybody through for the day?”

“Yeah,” Quincy replied. “We have twenty-five heifers ready to go first thing in the morning to Mr. Hensley in Longview, Texas. Actually, we have twenty-six.” He glanced at Elias. “Someone can’t count.”

“Math wasn’t my strong suit.” Elias smirked.

Falcon pointed a finger at Elias. “First thing in the morning before anyone goes to work, you’ll get that heifer back to the herd.”

“You’re a hard-ass, Falcon. Why don’t you just ask Mr. Hensley if he would like twenty-six? Maybe give them a discounted rate.”

“I’m not discounting those heifers. They’re prime stock and it’s how we make our living. Have you forgotten that?”

Jericho, who worked on the ranch and was a friend of their brother Egan, came into the barn from the corral. “Don’t worry about the extra heifer. I let one of the smaller ones out into the alley that connects most of the pastures and she took off running. I followed her on my horse all the way to the north pasture. She’s now back with the herd.”

Elias thumbed his nose at Falcon. “And that’s how it’s done, big brother.”

Falcon shook his head and caught sight of Jude. “What are you still doing here? I thought you had a date tonight.”

Phoenix held up his hands. “Okay, everybody, leave Jude alone. This is his decision, his kid, not yours.”

Jude and Phoenix had shared a special connection ever since the shooting of Ezra McCray. Jude and Phoenix had been riding bareback while their father was fixing fences. Jude was in front and Phoenix sat behind him with his arms wrapped around Jude’s waist. Almost as if it were yesterday, Jude could hear his brother.

Jump the fence, Jude. This horse can do it.

We’ll get in trouble.

Dad’s way over there and we’ll be back before he misses us. Jump the fence, Jude.

Hold on, he said and kneed the horse.

The horse shot forward, galloping faster and faster as it neared the fence and they sailed right over it, but Jude couldn’t stop the horse fast enough. Before he could turn back toward the fence, shots rang out and the next thing he knew, he was in a hospital bed with his mother crying and his dad looking as if the world had come to an end. His sun-browned face was a mask of pain, misery and suffering. At six years of age, Jude thought maybe Phoenix was dead and he started to cry, too. But he soon found out Phoenix was fine and that Ezra McCray had shot at them. And his father had killed the man. It was a lot for a six-year-old to understand. It was a lot for a six-year-old to go through.

From that day forward, Jude never spoke much. He was quiet and stayed close to his father, but even at that early age, he could see his dad was troubled by what had happened. Jude blamed himself and tried to make his father feel better. All his life he seemed to be fighting to make someone feel better and he had grown weary of the task.

“Why didn’t Paxton come home with you?” Falcon asked Phoenix, his voice piercing Jude’s troubled thoughts.

“He went on to another rodeo with Cole Bryant. He’s focused and determined to stay on the top of his game so he can make the national finals in Vegas. He’ll be home in a few days.”

Paxton had had a rough year. He’d dumped his high-school sweetheart, Jenny, for someone he’d met at a rodeo and it had turned out to be a nightmare for him. It had almost done him in, especially since Jenny had fallen in love with Quincy and they were now married. The brothers had worked everything out, and Paxton wasn’t letting anything or anyone interfere with his career again.

“Has anyone heard from Egan?” Falcon was doing his usual thing, keeping tabs on the brothers.

“No,” Jericho said. “They’re supposed to find out the sex of the baby today, but Egan wants to wait until the birth. If I was a betting man, and I gave that up a long time ago, I’d bet they’re going to wait.”

Jericho was one of a kind. He’d grown up on the streets of Houston, wrapped up with gangs and drugs. Egan had met him in prison, when he’d been unjustly sent there by an overzealous judge. Jericho had saved his life and Egan was forever indebted to him. When the family got Egan out, their mother promised Jericho a job for his bravery.

The man stood about six feet four inches tall. He had dark features with a scar slashed across the side of his face. His long dark hair was tied into a ponytail at his neck. No one knew his lineage, but Egan had said he was part white, black, Mexican and Indian. A scary figure to some, but to the Rebel family he was loved and trusted.

“Leah and I waited,” Falcon said. “Of course, ours was a completely different situation, but I agree with Jericho. Egan will win this round because Rachel will do what he wants.”

“You guys are pathetic.” Elias laughed. “Why doesn’t he just say no?”

“If you ever find anyone to marry you, we’ll remind you of that,” Falcon told him, and looked around. “Where’s Grandpa?”

“He was right behind me.” Elias walked to the barn door and looked out. “Can you believe this? His horse is tied to the chain-link fence at his house. Who does he think is going to unsaddle that horse and take care of it?”

Elias’s cell phone buzzed before anyone could answer.

“That’s probably him about to tell you,” Phoenix said.

Elias fished his cell out of his pocket and frowned. “It’s Grandpa. Thank you, Quincy, for buying him a phone.” Elias clicked it on. “Yeah, Grandpa. I’ll do it. What did you say?” Elias pushed Speakerphone and held the cell up. “You’re my favorite grandson,” echoed through the barn and everyone tried hard not to laugh. It was Grandpa’s favorite saying, and he’d said it to every one of the brothers at some point.

Elias slipped the phone back into his pocket. “The favorite grandson is going to go help his grandpa. Now don’t y’all feel guilty?”

Quincy’s cell buzzed and he quickly grabbed it from his pocket. After a second, he said, “I got to go. That was Jenny. White Dove is in labor. Jenny has been watching that horse for days and I hope everything goes okay.” He hurried toward the barn door and then turned back. “Jude, Zane wanted to be there. Do you want me to call him?”

“Go ahead.” He threw a blanket over the saddle. “It would give him something to do while I’m out. I’m going into town to see Annabel. She deserves an explanation.”

“Good for you.” Quincy hurried away and Falcon and Jericho soon followed. That left him and Phoenix to sort through the tangled mess of Jude’s mind.

“You okay?” Phoenix asked.

Jude leaned against the railing. “Do you feel you will never be the same as you were when you were five years old?”

“Come on, Jude.” Phoenix shoved his hands into the front pockets of his jeans as if that could keep the memories at bay. “This family will never be the same, but we have to learn to accept happiness and forgiveness into our lives. I’m doing that. Dad said it wasn’t our fault and I believe him because I believed him all my life and I’m not going to change now. We were kids and kids do silly things. We’re not to blame. Dad said so.”

“It’s just...”

“What is it with you and Quincy? You both seem to have a need to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. Let it go. Please.”

“Dad was gone two years when Paige got pregnant and I needed to talk to him so badly. Quincy was in the army and I couldn’t talk to him, either. I made all the wrong decisions and I can’t even say it was for the right reasons. I was just a scared kid and I didn’t know what to do. I just wanted Paige to get out of a bad home life and the scholarship gave her that opportunity. I couldn’t take that away from her.”

“Jude, you did the right thing. You went back and got your son and he’s an amazing kid. Pat yourself on the back for once. If you feel you have to tell Paige, then tell her. Zane is a different matter. But I’m sure you’ll make the right decision for him, too. Stop agonizing over it.” He grabbed the reins of Jude’s horse. “Go spend some time with that pretty teacher and I’ll take care of the horses. And, for heaven sakes, smile, Jude. You’re freaking me out.”

“I just don’t want to hurt her.”

The horses milled around, neighing, ready for feed.

“Well, I’m not judging her or anything, but I can almost guarantee you before this is over, someone is going to get hurt and I’m just hoping it’s not you or Zane. Just saying.”

Phoenix was right. He couldn’t make any of this better for any of them. He just had to make sure his son wasn’t hurt. While Paige was in town, he somehow had to explain what had happened all those years ago. She deserved that. He knew that with all his heart and nothing anyone said would change his mind. Sometimes in life he had to make the rough decisions because he was a father. He could only pray this decision was the right one for his son.

And Paige.

Chapter Three

“Dad, Dad...”

Jude sat up in bed and squinted at the clock. Five in the morning. “What are you doing up so early?”

Zane jerked on his jeans. “I want to go check on the new foal. It was amazing, Dad. White Dove was nervous and Uncle Quincy just talked to her and rubbed her head and her stomach and she calmed down. Her contractions were strong and Uncle Quincy kept her calm, you know, Dad, like you do. No one can do that but you and Uncle Quincy with cows and horses. You got the touch. And...”

“Take a breath.” Jude sat up and watched the excitement on his son’s face. Zane had been in bed when Jude had come in last night. He’d stayed longer than he’d expected at Annabel’s. He’d wanted her to know the truth and found it easy to talk to her. She understood he wanted to wait until the situation with Paige was over. She didn’t want to get involved, either, if his heart was somewhere else. Jude didn’t know where his heart was. But then, he did. It was with this little boy whose eyes were sparkling like firecrackers on the Fourth of July.

“It was amazing, Dad, I tell you. Uncle Quincy taped her tail because she was swishing it and then Jenny washed White Dove’s udder, teats and vulva with water and soap. And—”

“Vulva?”

“Yeah, it’s—”

“I know what it is.” He was surprised his son did, but that was Zane. He’d probably read about birthing and knew every detail. Once he learned something, he never forgot it. His memory was uncanny.

“Well, the foal’s feet were like this.” Zane stuck out his arms as far as he could and placed his head between them. “That’s the way she came out, in a white amniotic sac. Jenny said it was a perfect birth and Uncle Quincy agreed. Once the front feet and head and shoulders appeared, it was like swoosh and the rest of it followed into a yucky mess. Jenny’s already calling her Little Dove because she’s white and black like her mama. It took four attempts before Little Dove could stand on wobbly legs and she’s the cutest thing. You should’ve seen it, Dad. Do you think her legs are long like Bear’s ’cause they’re related?”

Jude swung his feet to the floor. “Yep, Red Hawk is their father.” Zane had seen births before on the ranch, but he was extra excited because he spent a lot of time with Quincy and his paint horses.

“I think I want to be a vet.”

Jude stared at his precious son with his hair in his eyes. “How about a scientist or a chemist who discovers a cure for cancer?”

“Cool, Dad. I can do that, too.” Zane grinned as he slipped a T-shirt over his head. “After everything was over, Quincy said I better go to the house or Grandma would be worried. He was right. She was sitting up, waiting on me. She said she can’t go to sleep unless I’m safely in bed. I’m lucky to have a grandma like that.”

“Yes, you are.” Jude felt a pang of guilt for staying out so late. He didn’t want his mother to stay up and wait for Zane. That was Jude’s job. Once in twelve years wasn’t bad, though.

“You were out with Ms. Hurley. Did you talk about me?”

“Our favorite topic of conversation.”

“Cool, Dad. I’m going to check on Little Dove and then come back and get ready for school so I can find a cure for cancer.” His cheeky son had the audacity to wink.

Zane darted out the door and Jude stood and stretched and then made his way to the shower. Today was the day. He would meet Paige for the first time in almost thirteen years. He wondered if she’d changed. Everyone changed in that amount of time. He certainly had. He wasn’t that scared teenage boy anymore. Raising a child had toughened him up quickly. He had to stay on his toes to make good choices and cowboy up when things got rough.

That scared boy had become a man ready to take on the world for Zane. He’d never for one minute regretted going back to get his son. But today he would have to explain that decision to Paige. He was prepared now. The scared boy had surfaced for a moment because he was afraid of losing the one thing that mattered the most to him in this world: his son. That bond was rock-solid and Jude knew that better than anyone.

Since he was going to a funeral, Jude put on starched jeans and a white shirt. With his hair combed, his hat in his hand, he headed for the door, only to be stopped by Zane coming through it.

“That was quick.” His son had a strange look on his face, one Jude knew well. Something was wrong and he knew not to push or Zane would clam up. “The foal okay?”

“Yeah. She was sucking, so I guess everything’s okay.”

“Didn’t you talk to Uncle Quincy?”

Zane shook his head. “He and Aunt Jenny were curled up in the hay under a blanket asleep, so I didn’t wake them.”

“You could have. It would have been okay.”

With his small shoulders hunched, Zane replied, “I don’t know, Dad. It’s different now.”

“How is it different?”

“Uncle Quincy doesn’t have much time for me anymore.”

Jude sat on the bed and patted the spot beside him. Quincy had spoiled Zane, just as he’d spoiled Grandpa and everyone else by lavishing his attention on them. He was that type of person.

“Uncle Quincy still loves you and you’re still his partner. But life is about changes. Nothing stays the same.”