Amphitryon

SCENE VI MERCURY, SOSIE

MERC. Stop. What have you come to poke your nose in here for, you impudent turn-spit?

SOS. Ah! Gently, gently, for mercy's sake!

MERC. Ah! You have come back again! I shall tan your hide for you.

SOS. Ah! Brave and generous I, compose yourself, I beseech you. Sosie, spare Sosie a little, and do not divert yourself by knocking yourself down.

MERC. Who gave you liberty to call yourself by that name? Did I not expressly forbid you to do so, under penalty of experiencing a thousand cuts from the cane?

SOS. It is a name we both may bear at the same time, under the same master. I am recognised as Sosie everywhere; I permit you to be he, permit me to be so, too. Let us leave it to the two Amphitryons to give vent to their jealousies, and, though they contend, let the two Sosies live in the bonds of peace.

MERC. No, one is quite enough; I am determined not to allow any division.

SOS. You shall have precedence over me; I will be the younger, and you shall be the elder.

MERC. No: a brother is a nuisance, and not to my taste; I intend to be the only son.

SOS. O barbarous and tyrannical heart! Allow me at least to be your shadow.

MERC. Not at all.

SOS. Let your soul humanise itself with a little pity! Allow me to be near you in that capacity: I shall be everywhere so submissive a shadow that you will be pleased with me.

MERC. No quarter; the law is immutable. If you again have the audacity to go in there, a thousand blows shall be the fruit.

SOS. Alas! Poor Sosie, to what miserable disgrace are you reduced!

MERC. So? Your lips presume again to give yourself a name I forbid!

SOS. No, I did not intend myself; I was speaking of an old Sosie, who was formerly a relative of mine, and whom, with the utmost barbarity, they drove out of the house at dinner hour.

MERC. Take care you do not fall into that idiocy if you wish to remain among the number of the living.

SOS. How I would thwack you if I had the courage, for your wretched puffed up pride, you double son of a strumpet!

MERC. What do you say?

SOS. Nothing.

MERC. I am sure you muttered something.

SOS. Ask anyone; I do not breathe.

MERC. Nevertheless I am absolutely certain that something about a son of a strumpet struck my ear.

SOS. It must have been a parrot roused by the beautiful weather.

MERC. Adieu. If your back itches for a currying, here is where I live.

SOS. O Heavens! What a cursed hour is the dinner hour to be turned out of doors! Come, let us yield to fate in our affliction. Let us today follow blind caprice, and join the unfortunate Sosie to the unfortunate Amphitryon: it is a suitable union. I see he is coming in good company.

SCENE VII AMPHITRYON, ARGATIPHONTIDAS, POSICLES, SOSIE

AMPH. Stay here, gentlemen, follow me a little way off, and do not all advance, I pray you, until there is need for it.

POS. I quite understand this blow touches you to the heart.

AMPH. Ah! My sorrow is bitter through and through: I suffer in my affection, as much as in my honour.

POS. If this resemblance is such as is said, Alcmene, without being guilty…

AMPH. Ah! In this affair, a simple error becomes a veritable crime, and, though no way consenting, innocence perishes in it. Such errors, in whatever way we look at them, affect us in the most sensitive parts; reason often, often pardons them, when honour and love cannot.

ARGAT. I do not bother my thoughts about that; but I hate your gentlemen for their disgraceful delay; it is a proceeding which wounds me to the quick, and one which courageous people will never approve. When any man has need of us, we ought to throw ourselves headforemost into his concerns. Argatiphontidas is not one for compromising matters. It is not seemly for men of honour to listen to the arguments of a friend's adversary; one should only listen to vengeance at such times. The proceeding does not please me; in quarrels such as these we ought always to begin sending the sword through the body, without any nonsense. Yes, whatever happens, you shall see that Argatiphontidas goes straight to the point. I entreat you not to let the villain die by any other hand than mine.

AMPH. Come on.

SOS. I come, Monsieur, to undergo at your knees the just punishment of cursed audacity. Strike, beat, drub, overwhelm me with blows, kill me in your anger; you will do well, I deserve it; I shall not say a single word against you.

AMPH. Get up. What is the matter?

SOS. I have been turned away unceremoniously; thinking to eat and rejoice like them, I did not think that, as it turned out, I was waiting there to thrash myself. Yes, the other I, valet to the other you, has played the very devil with me once more. The same cruel fate seems to pursue us both today, Monsieur. In short, they have un-Sosied me, as they un-Amphitryon'd you.

AMPH. Follow me.

SOS. Is it not better to see if anybody is coming?

SCENE VIII CLEANTHIS, NAUCRATES, POLIDAS, SOSIE, AMPHITRYON, ARGATIPHONTIDAS, POSICLES

CLE. O Heaven!

AMPH. What frightens you like this? Why are you afraid of me?

CLE. Why! You are up there and I see you here!

NAU. Do not hurry; here he comes to give, before us all, the explanation we want. If we may believe what he has just said about it, it will banish away your trouble and care.

SCENE IX MERCURY, CLEANTHIS, NAUCRATES, POLIDAS, SOSIE, AMPHITRYON, ARGATIPHONTIDAS, POSICLES

MERC. Yes, you shall all see him; know beforehand that it is the grand master of the Gods, whom, under the cherished features of this resemblance, Alcmene has caused to descend here from the heavens. As for me, I am Mercury. Not knowing what else to do, I have given him a drubbing whose appearance I took. He may now console himself, for strokes from the wand of a God confer honour on him who has to submit to them.

SOS. Upon my word, Monsieur God, I am your servant; I could have done without your attentions.

MERC. I now give you leave to be Sosie. I am tired of wearing such an ugly mug; I am going to the heavens, to scrape it all off with ambrosia. (He flies away to the skies.)

SOS. May Heaven forever keep you from the desire of wishing to come near me again! Your fury against me has been too bitter; never in my life have I seen a God who was more of a devil than you!

SCENE X JUPITER, CLEANTHIS, NAUCRATES, POLIDAS, SOSIE, AMPHITRYON, ARGATIPHONTIDAS, POSICLES

JUP. (In a cloud,) Behold, Amphitryon, who has imposed on you; under his own aspect you see Jupiter. By these signs you may easily know him; they are sufficient, I think, to restore your heart where it should be to bring back peace and happiness to your family. My name, which the whole earth continually adores, thus stifles all scandal that might be spread abroad. A share with Jupiter has nothing that in the least dishonours, for doubtless, it can be but glorious to find one's self the rival of the sovereign of the Gods. I do not see any reason why your love should murmur; it is I, God as I am, who ought to be jealous in this affair. Alcmene is wholly yours, whatever means one may employ; it must be gratifying to your passion to see that there is no other way of pleasing her than to appear as her husband. Even Jupiter, clothed in his immortal glory, could not by himself undermine her fidelity; what he has received from her was granted by her ardent heart only to you.

SOS. The Seigneur Jupiter knows how to gild the pill.

JUP. Cast aside, therefore, the black care that stifles your heart; restore perfect peace to the ardour which consumes you. In your house shall be born a son, who, under the name of Hercules, shall cause the vast universe to ring with his deeds. A glorious future crowned with a thousand blessings shall let every one see I am your support; I will make your fate the envy of the whole world. You may boldly flatter yourself with what these promises confer. It is a crime to doubt them, for the words of Jupiter are the decrees of fate. (He is lost in the clouds.)

NAU. Truly, I am delighted at these evident marks…

SOS. Gentlemen, will you please take my advice? Do not embark in these sugary congratulations; it is a bad speculation; phrases are embarrassing on either side, in such a compliment. The great God Jupiter has done us much honour, and, unquestionably, his kindness towards us is unparalleled; he promises us the infallible happiness of a fortune crowned with a thousand blessings, and in our house shall be born a brave son. Nothing could be better than this. But, nevertheless, let us cut short our speeches, and each one retire quietly to his own house. In such affairs as these, it is always best not to say anything.