Narrative of the Life and Travels of Serjeant B–

In like manner, I may say, that in my attempts to get any spiritual consolation, I had more pain than profit; for when I set myself to read, meditate, or pray, I was sure to meet with some miserable opposition to distract my mind, which, perhaps, proved as great a trial to me as it would have been to one of these persons, at that time, to have had a pipe full of good tobacco snatched from his mouth, when he was in the act of enjoying it after his long abstinence. I use this similitude as I cannot find one upon the whole more suitable to represent my condition. They however had, on our arrival at St. Helena, considerably the advantage of me, for we were hardly well anchored when the idol of their hearts was presented to them; but, alas! it was far otherwise with me; for, to my great mortification, there seemed no great likelihood of my soon enjoying that happiness which "my soul was following hard after;" for, instead of the fleets being forward, there was only one outward-bound Indiaman lying in the bay. I see, therefore, O my soul! that there is nothing for it but patience; and, O Lord, grant that patience may have her perfect work, and let my present state of tribulation work patience, and a hope that will not make ashamed; and yet it is heart-breaking to think that I may be in this ship, and among these men, three months longer; but, O my soul, wait thou upon the Lord in the best way you can; be of good courage and he shall strengthen thine heart. Wait, I say, on the Lord. Commit thy way unto the Lord, trust also in him, and he shall bring it to pass. He shall even give thee the desire of thine heart.

April 20.– I was sent ashore to St. Helena this day, to bring two of our invalids on board. They received a pass until three o'clock yesterday, but did not return until I brought them from the main-guard, being confined for some misbehaviour ashore.

There was one of the 25th light dragoons died this day. We have had several deaths; but I mention this because of some circumstances attending it, as a further illustration of the character of those people amongst whom I dwell. I was amusing myself with a tune upon my violin, to drown the painful sound of that cursing and swearing which abounds, when one of the men interrupted me by saying, "Serjeant B – , don't you know that there is a man dying?" I answered, that "I did not know that he had been so ill." I went, therefore, immediately to see him, and found one of his comrades standing by the side of his hammock, attempting to comfort him in his own way. Another of his comrades, with a horrid curse, said, "Let him alone; let him sleep away, can't you?" But while he was yet speaking, the spirit of the dying man departed; and now they are beginning to enumerate all his good qualities, which, alas for him, were very few. One says he was a – good fellow; another, he was a bloody good soldier; and a third, he was a h – h obliging fellow; and a fourth wished himself to be d – d if he should be thrown into the sea, for he would collect money in the ship to bury him ashore; while one of the former speakers declares, that he had prayed to God for him, and was sure he must now be happy. "Surely even the tender mercies of the wicked are cruel." – "My soul, come not thou into their secret, into their assembly mine honour be not thou united." I could have wished to have spoken to them about the absurdity, as well as the criminality of such conduct; but I knew that it would have had a bad effect, as it "would be giving that which is holy to dogs, and casting pearls before swine; and, therefore, they would no doubt have trampled them under their feet," and turned upon me with abusive language, and thus have sunk themselves deeper in guilt; so, upon a due consideration, I saw it to be my wisdom to keep "my mouth as with a bridle." But while I am yet writing, their temporary feelings of grief are over, and now they commence singing, and swearing, and arguing. Now from words they are coming to blows: I certainly must interfere, as being a part of my duty; but already the fight is over, and they are becoming more quiet. There is some disturbance upon deck: I will go and find out what is the cause. I have just learned, that the man who was talking so much about his prayers for the person just departed, was taken in the act of throwing himself overboard! – Poor creature, you are rescued from the jaws of death a little longer. But what can I expect from such men? He who infallibly knew "what is in man, and needed not that any should testify unto him", says that "a corrupt tree cannot bring forth good fruit."

April 23.– The dead man was interred this day upon the island; but it certainly would have been much better had he been thrown overboard in the usual manner; for the men, embracing the opportunity of getting ashore, where they could have plenty of liquor, returned at night drunk, and we had truly a dismal ship of it. It was no doubt insufferable at all times to a person who desired good order and quietness; but this night was by far the most dreadful we have experienced, for all the foul and detestable language that the devil and themselves could invent was brought forward; every thing that was horrid in cursing and swearing seemed to have been collected on this occasion; and their obscenity went so far as to expose their fathers and mothers in such a way as was shocking beyond conception. Had they really been begotten and born by the worst men and women that ever lived, it was impossible that they could have been guilty of what their vile children now laid to their charge. "But woe to the man that saith unto his father, what begettest thou? and to the woman, what hast thou brought forth?"

This was not all: One of them openly threatened to have blood for supper! and that lives should go for it before the morning, if the devil was alive, and as sure as God Almighty was – ! but I dare not venture to pollute my paper, or shock my readers, by reciting his expressions, which were only fit for the ears of men already in the place of everlasting torment. I had too much reason to think that my wife and I were the objects of his malice, and I did not know how to act. I knew that to confine him would only make matters worse when he should be released again; for he would then have some shadow of excuse for taking his revenge. His malice, as far as I knew, was entirely unfounded, for we had done him no harm, unless it was by conducting ourselves in a manner somewhat like what we ought to do; or because he saw us taken favourable notice of by the Captain, on account of the children. I therefore thought it would be our duty to remain upon deck, until the heat of his rage, and the heat of the liquor, were a little abated. But I found myself in too weakly a state of body to expose myself so long to the cold damp air, else I would have been inclined to this measure; for I saw, that to go below was attended with danger. After some deliberation, I resolved to commit myself and family to the care of the "keeper of Israel, who neither slumbers nor sleeps;" and we accordingly went to our hammocks, yielding ourselves wholly to the protection of our heavenly Father, in language similar to that of the Psalmist, when exposed to still more imminent dangers: "In thee, O Lord, do I put my trust; let me never be put to confusion. Deliver me in thy righteousness, and cause me to escape; incline thine ear unto me, and save me. Be thou my strong habitation, whereunto I may continually resort: thou hast given commandment to save me; for thou art my rock and my fortress. Deliver me, O my God, out of the hand of the wicked; out of the hand of the unrighteous and cruel man: for thou art my hope, O Lord God: thou art my trust from my youth. O Lord, be thou our hiding place; thou alone can preserve us from trouble;" and, in thy good time, O our God, do thou "compass us about with songs of deliverance."

We therefore lay down and slept quietly, because "the Lord made us to dwell in safety," even in the midst of danger. But after my first sleep, which was sweet, as my manner was, I arose to put the children to rights; and the first thing I laid my hand on, upon the top of my chest, was a razor fixed into a piece of wood, with a ring of lead round the handle; but my astonishment and terror were much increased, when I next found Mr. H., the man who had used the threatening language, lying upon the deck beside the chest, fast asleep. You may be sure I was not a little surprised to find matters in this state; for although I did suspect, and had great reason to suspect, that he intended us mischief, yet I partly persuaded myself, that after he had worn himself out with cursings, and threatenings of slaughter and vengeance, he would have become quiet, and forgotten us; but I now saw it to be otherwise: for here was a tolerably clear proof that he intended to carry his threats into execution against us when asleep; "but he that was for us, was stronger than all that were against us." Blessed be God, who delivered us from this "bloody and deceitful man." I thought it would be the best way to make no noise about it; and therefore threw the razor overboard, without even telling my wife the circumstance at the time, and returned again to my hammock, until gun-fire. But, as a proof that my suspicions were well-founded, I must notice, that this razor never was inquired after. Had it belonged to any other of the men, there is little doubt but that they would have made a noise about it: and I would farther remark, that this man's conduct towards us was henceforth very different from what it had formerly been, being much more friendly during the time we remained in the ship.

May 19.– My mind was this day somewhat relieved, by the arrival of the China and Bengal fleets, as my hopes were excited that we would soon get out of the sight of these dreary rocks, which we had been looking upon, with sorrowful eyes, for these five weeks; but, to my sore mortification, I was again disappointed; for one of the frigates had suffered shipwreck the night before, by running against an Indiaman. The way it took place was this: The signal was given for the fleet to change their course; but the officer of the watch belonging to the merchant ship had either not been paying proper attention, or the hands had not been active enough in wearing their vessel round, and she still being upon her old tack, and the man of war upon the new direction, they ran foul of each other. – The frigate had her boltsprit, main-top, and top-gallant mast, fore-top, and top-gallant mast, carried away, and sprung her mizzen, so that she was altogether unmanageable; she had consequently to be towed into St. Helena by thirty of the boats belonging to the fleet, with her yards, sails, and masts, all hanging overboard; and was really in the worst state ever I had seen a ship before. This was a bad concern both for them and us at the time; for we were anxious to get away, and they no doubt were very sorry for the damage they had received; but, upon account of this, we were all ordered to remain until she was refitted, which was in about a fortnight.

May 27. One of the men belonging to the 30th regiment died, and the last words I heard him utter, were a very common, but very dreadful imprecation; yet some of the survivors are saying, that it is well for him that he is gone, as if a person had no farther account to give; not considering that after death there is a judgment. Oh! what a vast difference there is between the death of the wicked, and that of the righteous; for "the wicked are driven away in their wickedness, but the righteous have hope in their death." It is truly lamentable to see men so hardened; nothing, it would seem, will be a warning to them; for, although this is the Lord's day, and one of their comrades is lying before them lifeless, yet are they playing at cards, whistling and singing, cursing and swearing alternately. O Lord, make me thankful for thy grace, make me thankful that thou hast not left me to the full force of my corruptions, to be carried away with them as with a flood; for what was I better than they? therefore I have nothing to glory of, because I have nothing but what I have received. "Not unto us, O Lord, not unto us, but unto thy name be the glory, for thy mercy and for thy truth's sake."

June 2. This is a happy day for some of us, for we are now moving towards home, and looking forward to see old Scotland once more. These feelings, together with the beautiful prospect of the fleet, consisting of fifty-one large ships, have an exhilarating effect upon the spirits. We had a serjeant of our regiment sent to the bottom this day in the usual form: which is, to sew up the person in his hammock, and to put a large shot or two at the feet to make him sink. When the corpse is prepared, it is carried upon deck, laid upon a grating, and covered with the union jack flag, and, after prayers are read over it in the English form, it is committed to the waves. It does not always sink immediately, for I have seen a dead body thrown over, in this way, move up and down like a bottle cast into a tub, as long as it was within our view, even when we were sailing at a very slow rate.

June 12. We crossed the equinoctial line this day. It is rather singular (as I found by my journal) that we crossed it on that very day seven years ago, on my voyage to India. If it please God, I hope I shall never cross it again.

It is now nineteen weeks since we left Madras. This Sabbath, as usual, is dreadfully profaned. I have been trying to read a little, to comfort myself, but I find it to be impossible, because of the wickedness by which I am surrounded; but lest I should become grievous to the reader by repeating the same things so often, I will, from this time, leave off any farther representations of this kind; and the reader may perhaps, from what I have already stated since I came on board of this ship, say, that I have been exhibiting an unfair and a too melancholy picture of man's depravity, and be apt also to say, or at least think, that if I were possessed of that Christian charity which thinketh no evil, I would hardly have said so much; and conclude, that I am some peevish, melancholy, uncharitable man; but judge not without proper evidence, "lest ye also be judged;" and take care that in judging me thou dost not "condemn thyself." Would to God I had not been able to say so much; had there been but one A. Chevis in the ship, how would it have cheered my spirits and repressed my complaints! for we could have borne one another's burdens: and it would have been far, very far, from me to have hid this "excellent one" from your view; but I have searched here with as anxious care to find a good man, as ever Solomon did to find a good woman, and unless I should be guilty of a lie, must declare, that I have not seen an individual amongst all those with whom I dwell, who does not habitually take the name of God in vain; and certainly you will not call these good men; for this is none of the spots of God's children, whatever "iniquities may prevail against them." I have informed the reader also that I had not the advantage of my wife's company, as she was always engaged in the cabin with her mistress. If he will then take all these circumstances into account, and attentively weigh them with an unprejudiced mind, I have no doubt but that he will be more disposed to pity than condemn me, seeing that I was doomed to six months of this dreadful society, which was worse to me than all my other hardships.

July 18. We have been becalmed for this fortnight past, and attended by a shark nearly all that time. It is rather singular, that I have always observed, both in my voyage to and from India, that we had always a death when this happened. I can give no rational account of this phenomenon, unless it be that the acute smell of this animal enables him to find out when there is sickness in a ship, and induces him to follow it in the hope of prey, when a body is thrown overboard. We have had a corpse thrown over this day, and will therefore soon be clear of our visitor. It is surprising that the shark can do such execution, if we consider the slenderness of his teeth, which resemble that of a saw, or rather a trap for catching rats; and they are generally provided with a double row of these, solid all round the jaw; but I have seen them nearly as thin as the main spring of a watch; yet he can cut through even bones with the utmost ease.

I shall give you an instance in proof of this assertion, which is the following: – The soldiers in India generally keep boys to carry their victuals, when on guard, or wash a pair of trowsers, or a shirt for them, if they run short before the washerman comes with their clothes: and when we lay in Madras, (where by the bye we could get young sharks to buy in the bazaar, as we do speldings in this country, at a halfpenny each,) one of these boys, after having washed his master's clothes, went into the sea to bathe, while they were drying; and, being a good swimmer, he ventured beyond the surf, when a shark perceiving him, whipt off his leg, in half the time one of our anatomists would have done it with his saw. But this is not the most affecting part of the story; for although the poor little fellow had lost his leg, and with great difficulty reached the shore, leaving the water, as he came along, tinged with blood, he, in his dying moments, told his comrades who were upon the beach with him, where his master's clothes were lying, and desired that they would take them safe to the barracks: medical assistance was immediately called, but before the surgeon could reach the place, his spirit was fled. It is remarkable that these fish, when they are in pursuit of their prey, admit their young, in the same manner as some species of the serpent do, into a cavity of their belly, which God, in his wonder-working providence, has provided for their reception. In proof hereof, when we were going to India, one of the sailors, having out his shark line at the stern of the vessel, which is generally done when they observe this fish following, he hooked a very large one, and hauled it into the ship, by a tackle from the end of the main-yard; and after having the fish fairly on board, one of the sailors took a large hatchet, with which he cut off its head; and to the no small alarm of the bare-footed soldiers, who made the best of their way off in all directions, out sprung no less than eleven young sharks, tumbling and gaping about the deck, to the great danger of all feet and toes within their reach. Some of these young ones were three feet long. The sailors very frequently eat this fish, on account of its being fresh; and this one was accordingly cut into junks, (as they call it,) and divided among the crew. I tasted, through curiosity, a little bit of it, which had a very strong disagreeable flavour; but the very idea of them devouring human flesh, is enough to make one shudder, although their taste should excel that of the finest turtle. I would further observe, that the shark does not give his teeth much trouble in chewing his food, for we took another the same day, which had a six pound piece of beef in his belly, not the least macerated; and the tally22 of the mess to which the beef belonged, still tied to it with a string.

July 24.– We saw one of the Western Islands upon our starboard bow – we saw also two strange sail, supposed to be American privateers; our frigates and gun brigs went in chace immediately, but they have not returned to the fleet as yet. We have a very stiff breeze, and a heavy sea, and have shipped a wave just now which has swept some of the men off the hatchway.

July 29.– We have had a heavy gale these three days and nights, but the worst of it is, the wind is almost right a-head; and we consequently have made very little way. The children have been in their hammock all that time without light, except when the men occasionally lighted a bit of fat pork (as I said they sometimes did) to eat their victuals; and when I took them upon deck they were like new started hares, and jumped and ran about until I was obliged to restrain them from fear of their driving themselves against the sides of the ship.

Aug. 4.– A large boat is come along side of us from Torbay upon chance, to take away certain goods from the passengers. I spoke to one of the boatmen, who told me that we are about thirty miles from land, and two of the sailors have been sent to the mast head to look out for it; we have also received our pilot, and are running about nine knots an hour. Truly this is delightful; and I trust, that he who has preserved us hitherto, will bring us in "safety into the desired haven."

Aug. 11.– We have had considerable difficulty in getting up the river, on account of the wind being contrary; but we are now safe moored, and they are beginning to take out the guns to lighten her, that they may be able to get her up to Blackwall. There is an order just come for us to go ashore to-morrow. Joyful news, to think of getting out of this miserably wicked place! how it enlivens my spirits besides to view the fields of corn, and the cattle feeding by the sides of the river, particularly when it is, I may say, my native country! O, what time brings about; for I have often almost despaired of ever seeing it; and, although I am now a poor feeble creature, hardly able to crawl, yet as Solomon says, "while we are joined to all the living there is hope; for a living dog is better than a dead lion;" and I bless God, that I am "the living, the living to praise him," while hundreds of my comrades are rotting upon a foreign shore.

Aug. 12.– We got all safe ashore at Chelsea, which place was completely crowded with invalids from the Continent, besides those from India; they were in all about four thousand. The Tower and Chelsea being full, some hundreds were billeted in the country. This promised very badly with regard to pension, and upon the 14th of September, 1814, the day on which I passed, there were several hundreds who did not get a penny. I, however, received ninepence, which, after all, was but a small recompense for all my hardships, and their bad effects upon my constitution, and a service of fourteen years in the 26th, and Royals together; but had it not been that I was so long Serjeant and Fife-Major of the latter regiment, I would not have received more than sixpence. I desire to be thankful, however, for this allowance; although it be small, it is always something to look to.

CHAPTER XIII

I shall not trouble the reader with a particular account of the various occurrences that came under my notice while we lay at Chelsea, which was about five weeks: such as, the great difficulty we had in obtaining a lodging; the many wonderful things to be seen about London; the behaviour of the invalids; to what regiments they belonged, &c. But there is one thing which I think it would certainly be wrong to omit, because it is illustrative of the loving-kindness of the Lord, whose glory we ought to have in view in all that we do.

While I was in this place I found one of my brothers working at Vauxhall bridge, who was one of Mr. Fletcher of the Secession's hearers. My wife and I, therefore, upon the first sabbath after we went ashore, accompanied him to Miles's Lane Chapel, and heard a Mr. M'Donald, I think, who was officiating in the absence of Mr. F. at this time in Scotland. Upon entering the meeting house, a mixture of unutterable reverence and joy thrilled through my soul, while I thought of the solemnity of the place, and looked back on the long dreary period during which I had been deprived of an opportunity of "assembling with the people of God in his house of prayer." But how was I struck with adoring wonder, when the preacher gave out the 63d psalm,

"Lord, thee my God, I'll early seek:My soul doth thirst for thee," &c.

which he prefaced in a very pathetic manner; and during the whole of the explanation, set forth the Psalmist's condition, so exactly applicable to the feelings and circumstances of my past life, particularly in India and in my voyage home; and the next psalm which he gave out was the 122d,

"I joyed when to the house of God,Go up, they said to me," &c.

which was equally applicable to my now happy situation. I found it too much for my feelings, for I thought my heart would have burst with alternate joy and sorrow. Joy, when I saw in this the answer of many a longing desire, "and my prayers returned into mine own bosom;" and sorrow, because of the many unbelieving and ungrateful thoughts I had formerly entertained, that "I should never again see the Lord, even the Lord, in the land of the living," until a flood of concealed tears gave me some relief; and a sweet believing tranquillity took the place of these conflicting passions. The whole of the services of the day corresponded with its commencement, and all had a tendency to refresh and satisfy my thirsty soul, more than the vernal showers of the east could cheer and invigorate the face of languishing nature; and I do trust they "did not return to the Lord void, but prospered in that thing whereunto they were sent." Surely the Psalmist's choice of spending his time was mine, for I certainly esteemed "this day better than a thousand," and found these comforts sweeter to my soul than honey to my mouth. Surely on this happy day, if ever in my life, I found out in a great measure the truth and emphasis of these gracious words: "Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness, for they shall be filled." But, I trust, my dear reader, you will excuse me, when I tell you that I am unable to describe my emotions at this time. However, if you are one of those persons spoken of by the apostle, who "have their senses exercised to discern both good and evil," you can better enter into my state than I am able to inform you; although you cannot be expected to feel to the same degree as I have felt, unless you had suffered, to the same extent, as I have suffered. But if you are really one "of Christ's scholars, and taught by his Holy Spirit, that Spirit dwells in you," and "he will teach you in some measure his own language," and you will know something of what is meant by "the soul being satisfied with marrow and fatness," of the Lord lifting upon his people "the light of his countenance," of "causing his face to shine upon them;" and of "his loving kindness being better than life." – You will know something of "the joy of the Lord," the "joy of God's salvation," and "the joy of the Holy Ghost," "of being filled with all joy and peace in believing;" &c. but if these, and the like passages, be to you an unknown tongue, or a language which you do not understand, I am afraid that you have the alphabet of Christianity to learn yet, and "have need that one teach you over again, which be the first principles of the oracles of God; and are indeed among such as have need of milk, and not of strong meat." All that I shall say more upon this subject is, that I found this place to be a Bethel, for surely the Lord was there, for it was to me none other than the house of God, surely it was to me the very gate of heaven. – O taste, and ye shall find also that the Lord is good; and that the man is truly blessed which trusteth in him.