Pincher Martin, O.D.: A Story of the Inner Life of the Royal Navy

'Bert.'

The padre chuckled, stamped the affectionate and strangely punctuated effusion, and passed on to the next.

It was a letter from one of the sub-lieutenants to his aunt Janet – a rich Aunt Janet, judging from the letter. He thanked her affectionately for one pound of peppermints, a beautiful knitted muffler, and a pair of mittens, and assured her that they would keep him as warm as toast during the rigours of the coming winter. And did Aunt Janet know of any place where one could buy cheap but reliable vacuum flasks to hold a quart, and a decent pair of six-power prism binoculars? He had broken his own, he said, but had heard that those made by Messrs Ross of Cockspur Street, London, were very good. He was not quite certain, however, and would like to have her advice before buying them. He added one or two bloodthirsty remarks about Huns, remarks calculated to reduce the good lady to a state of considerable alarm if she was at all inclined to be timid, furnished the information that he was as fit as a fiddle, and remained her loving nephew.

The censor smiled, remembered that the young officer in question had written to numerous other ladies thanking them for winter comforts, and asked himself how many mufflers, mittens, balaclava helmets, body belts, and pairs of socks the sub really possessed. They must run into dozens.

He stamped and sealed the letter, took the next envelope which came to hand, but, having read a few lines of its contents, frowned:

'Dere Wife' – it ran – 'i hope this finds you as it leaves me. we have had a terrible time, and last week we had a fierce and bloody battle in the North sea with the Germans, sinking many of them and some of ours likewise was sunk and many brave lads killed, we come back into harbour with the mainmast gorn and the funnels nearly falling down with the holes in them the ship was a terrible sight and the skipper was wounded bad but still fought on, the commander was killed and 40 men likewise the engineer commander and the chief pusser wot was in the sick bay at the time. Our ship done gallant and our decks running in blood i am alright and did not suffer a scratch but still feel the strain it was awful and now dere wife goodbye and many kisses from your loving husband

Ted.'

The Belligerent, to the great disgust of her ship's company, had not as yet been in action, while every one of her officers and men was still very much alive and kicking. The whole letter was a tissue of lies from beginning to end, and what had induced the man to write it, or had led him to imagine that the censors would pass it, the padre could not think. He glanced through the bloodthirsty missive again, picked up the envelope and looked at the address, and then stretched out a hand and pressed an electric bell-push.

'I want to see Stoker Walley of No. 67 mess,' he said when a bluejacket messenger answered his ring.

Ten minutes later there came a knock at the door. 'Did ye send for Stoker Walley, surr?' inquired a voice.

'Yes,' said the padre wearily. 'Come inside, Walley.'

The stoker, a burly fellow six feet tall, and broad in proportion, removed his cap, entered gingerly, and stood strictly to attention. He was unused to being invited into officers' cabins.

'Did you write this letter to your wife, Walley? the chaplain asked, picking up the offending missive.

'Oi did, surr,' said the man, not the least abashed.

'Don't you know that the censorship regulations forbid you to say anything about the movements of ships or what they're doing?'

'Oi do, surr. But what Oi've put in me letter isn't what's been happenin', surr.' He was perfectly correct in his statement, for what he had written was nothing but the wildest fiction.

The padre smiled. 'No,' he remarked, turning round in his chair and looking up at him, 'I dare say it isn't true. But doesn't it strike you, Walley, that you're doing a very wrong thing in writing like this? The letter's a falsehood from beginning to end.'

'Oi didn't mean no harm, surr,' the stoker protested, rather puzzled.

'No, perhaps not. Have you ever heard of the Defence of the Realm Act?'

'Oi have not, surr.'

'Well, I believe the Act lays it down that any one spreading false information is liable to a very severe penalty. You don't want to be punished, do you?'

'Oi do not, surr,' said Walley stolidly, quite unable to understand how he had offended. 'Oi've never been a defaulter since I joined the navy.'

'You'll soon get into trouble if you write letters like this,' the padre observed grimly. 'Suppose I took this one to the captain, and asked him to read it? I think you'd find he would regard it as a very serious offence.'

'Oi'm sorry, surr, if Oi've done wrong, surr,' the stoker answered, nervously fidgeting with his cap. 'Oi only wrote a bit of a yarn like t' amuse the missis.'

'To amuse your wife!' ejaculated the chaplain. 'Surely, surely your wife must be feeling a little anxious about you?'

'P'r'aps, surr. Oi don't rightly know,' admitted the culprit. 'P'r'aps she is a bit anxious like, surr.'

'Of course she is, Walley. Any woman is bound to be anxious with her husband at sea in war-time. Tell me now, truthfully, do you really think that a letter like this will make her feel any less anxious? You go into gruesome details of a fight at sea which has never taken place, and expect her to be – er – amused. 'Pon my soul, I've never heard of such a thing.'

'Oi'm sorry, surr. Oi didn't mean no harm.'

The chaplain sighed. 'Well,' he pointed out, 'I consider you acted very wrongly in writing this letter at all; and besides that, you're being very unfair to your wife. After all, she deserves a little consideration – what?'

'Ye haven't seen me wife, surr,' said the stoker. 'She likes a bit of excitement now and then.'

The chaplain got rather annoyed. 'I dare say she does,' he answered; 'but that is no excuse for your sending her a letter which is nothing but a pack of lies. Now look here, Walley,' he added very sternly, 'if I took this matter forward you would find yourself in serious trouble. I don't want that to happen, though, so I'll tear it up; but you must promise me faithfully you'll never write a letter like this again. Will you promise?'

'Oi will, surr,' said the man, looking genuinely frightened. 'Thankin' ye very much all the same, surr.'

The censor tore the letter into minute fragments and dropped it into the waste-paper basket. 'There,' he said, 'that's the last you'll hear of it, Walley; but don't let it occur again. You can keep the envelope, and if you're quick you'll just have time to write another letter before the mail leaves. No horrors this time, mind. Tell your wife you're well and happy, and all that sort of thing. D'you understand?'

'Oi do, surr,' the stoker replied sheepishly, taking the envelope. 'Thank ye, surr.' He left the cabin.

'Heigho!' yawned the padre, resuming his unwelcome occupation; 'I've been in the service for seven years, but it seems I don't understand the men yet. I wonder if I ever shall!' He often asks himself the same question.

III

'I'm fed up wi' this 'ere war!' exclaimed Pincher Martin, flinging away the fag-end of a cigarette with a petulant gesture. 'It's bin goin' on fur over four bloomin' months, an' we ain't see'd a ruddy thing yet!'

'Th' way some o' you blokes talks makes me fair sick,' Able Seaman Billings retorted. 'S'pose yer 'ad see'd somethin', as yer calls it, yer might 'ave lost th' number o' yer mess. W'y carn't yer be content wi' wot ye've got? That's wot I wants ter know.'

Pincher snorted. 'Content wi' wot I've got!' he jeered. ''Ow kin I be? I reckons I wants ter fight, same as other blokes.'

Joshua laughed. ''Ark at th' little cock-sparrer!' he said, turning to M'Sweeny. 'Did ye 'ear wot 'e sed, Tubby?'

'I did, chum,' agreed M'Sweeny severely, sucking hard at a particularly evil-smelling pipe. ''E sez 'e wants ter fight, an' I reckons 'e'll git orl 'e wants afore long. We'll all git more'n we wants in th' way o' fightin' afore we've finished this 'ere war. Them Germans ain't fools.'

'Don't yer want ter fight yerself, Tubby?' Pincher inquired.

M'Sweeny thought for a moment. 'Carn't say 'xactly as 'ow I don't, Pincher, an' carn't say as 'ow I does.'

'Wot yer jine th' navy fur else?'

'Jine the navy! W'y, I jines th' navy 'cos I thought it wus a good perfession.'

'Fightin' perfession,' Pincher supplemented.

'Yus; but yer don't seem t' understand wot I means,' Tubby explained. 'It's like this 'ere. I don't mind fightin' if it comes ter fightin'; but I sez that any bloke wot sez 'e likes it arter 'e's once 'ad it is a bloomin' liar. I ain't afraid o' them Germans,' he added. 'I ain't afraid o' any one wot I knows of; but I sez war's a norrible thing.'

'An' so it is,' agreed Joshua. 'You wait till yer 'as yer fu'st little bu'st up, Pincher; yer won't want another fur a bit. It's orl right ter talk th' same as yer do, but yer don't know wot it's like same as me an' Tubby.'

'But you an' Tubby ain't never bin in action,' Pincher protested.

'No, we ain't,' said Billings. 'But we ain't 'ot-'eaded young blokes same as you. We thinks abart things, an' looks at things more serious like. We doesn't mind fightin' w'en it comes; but we ain't anxious ter fight 'cos we likes it – see? I reckons no bloke really does, an' them as talks most gen'rally does least w'en it comes ter th' time. Me an' Tubby 'as seen things you 'aven't,' he added; 'so we two knows wot we're talkin' abart.'

M'Sweeny gave an assenting nod.

''Ow d'yer mean?' Pincher wanted to know. 'Wot is it ye've seen wot I ain't?'

'I'll tell yer,' said Billings. – 'Tubby, d'yer remember that 'ere gun explosion we 'ad w'en me an' you wus shipmates up th' Straits?'

'Yus, I do, chum.'

'Explosion! 'Ow did it 'appen?' Pincher demanded. 'Spin us th' yarn.'

'Ain't I spinnin' it as fast as I can?' said Joshua, rather testily. 'Don't be so impatient! Well, we 'ad our six-inch guns in that ship in casemates like we've got 'ere. Yer knows wot a casemate is, don't yer?'

Pincher did not condescend to reply.

'Well, they wus firin' at th' time, an' somethin' 'appened, an' a cartridge hexploded afore th' breech o' th' gun was properly closed.' Joshua paused.

'An' wot 'appened?'

'There was an 'ell of an explosion an' a big flare up, an' four blokes belongin' ter th' gun wus blowed sky-'igh, an' orl th' others wus badly messed up. I wus in there soon arter it 'appened. It makes me fair sick ter think of it.'

'Wot! blood?' Pincher queried breathlessly.

'Blood!' Billings sniffed. 'Buckets of it, an' bits o' poor blokes wot 'ad bin breathin' men a few minutes afore plastered orl over th' sides an' roof. 'Orrors ain't in it. Arms an' legs blowed orf, an' th' 'ole place drippin' somethin' crool! – Wasn't it, Tubby?'

'It wus, chum,' M'Sweeny corroborated.

'I reckons that if ye'd seen that, Pincher, ye'd never say as 'ow ye likes th' idea o' fightin',' Joshua went on. 'If we goes into action it'll be somethin' like that, only wuss.'

'Don't sound good,' Pincher admitted grudgingly.

'Don't look good neither, w'en bits o' blokes 'as ter be scraped up in shovels,' said M'Sweeny grimly. 'We ain't frightened o' fightin', me an' Billings isn't, yer see, but we've see'd things wot you youngsters 'asn't, an' we knows wot it's like.'

Martin made no reply.

So, on the whole, their only feelings, after four months of war, were those of regret and envy – regret because they themselves had not been in action, envy for those of their comrades who had. They were sorry for those of their relations and friends who had been killed in action ashore and afloat, but, like the inscrutable people they were, accepted their fate in a calm and philosophical spirit which must have seemed positively callous to any outsider. To people who do not understand them, however, our seamen always do appear callous. They seem to treat death in a very casual and light-hearted fashion, due, perhaps, to the fact that they themselves have stared Him in the face so often that they have become inured to His presence. Familiarity with danger does breed contempt for death.

But yet, in reality, bluejackets are among the kindest-hearted men alive, and the sight of a howling infant in a street will attract the hard-earned coppers from their pockets like steel filings to a magnet. It is said that one child in a certain naval port discovered this generous trait, and invented a new profession on the strength of it. He did not beg or whine – did not utter a word, in fact; but, with true commercial instinct, plastered his face with mud, stationed himself near the dockyard gates when the libertymen were streaming back to their ships in the evening, and wept bitterly – merely wept. The pathetic sight aroused the bluejackets' sympathy and opened their purse-strings, and at the end of the nightly performance the youth – aged eight – went home with a cheerful grin and his pockets bulging with pennies. The game could not go on for long, of course; but it was a very paying one while it lasted.

But though Christmas was nearly upon them, and they had never had a 'scrap,' as they termed it, the men secretly revelled in the thought that they, in common with the remainder of the navy and army, also came under the category of what to the great British public were 'our gallant defenders.' Their natural modesty forbade them thinking about themselves as 'gallant,' 'brave,' or 'heroic,' adjectives which were sometimes hurled at their heads by people at home. They were merely doing their ordinary peace-time job, with a few extra dangers thrown in in the shape of submarines and mines; but they did derive no small satisfaction in realising that folk at home recognised that they were doing their bit, and liked to know that a sudden and very overwhelming interest was being taken in their welfare. Overwhelming in more senses than one.

Wives, mothers, aunts, female cousins, sweethearts, and lady friends seemed to be consoling themselves for the absence at sea of their husbands, sons, nephews, cousins, 'young men,' and acquaintances by an orgy of knitting. Avalanches of woollen home-knitted mufflers, balaclava helmets, mittens, gloves, jerseys, and body-belts, besides shoals of socks, soon came pouring in by every mail, until every officer and man in the Belligerent had received a full outfit of everything necessary to keep out the cold. They were duly grateful for the kind attention, for the mufflers of thick blue wool and the warm socks were as different from the ordinary articles of commerce as cheese is from chalk. Some of the things had stamped post-cards attached on which the fair knitters desired an acknowledgment; and, judging from what the censors said, the ladies were not disappointed. Others bore little silver paper horseshoes for good luck, while many of the socks arrived with cigarettes and chocolates, either loose or in packets, snugly ensconced inside.

'I thought there wus somethin' wrong wi' this 'ere!' Pincher remarked one day, removing his right sock, turning it inside-out, and discovering the coagulated remains of several chocolate creams. 'I thought it felt a bit knobby-like w'en I puts 'im on, an' now I've bin an' gorn an' wasted 'em!' It was a dire calamity, for Pincher had a sweet tooth, and regretted the loss of his chocolates far more than the energy he would presently have to expend on cleansing the sock of its stickiness.

People who did not knit sent other things instead. Well-to-do folk provided gramophones and records, boxes of fruit and game, vacuum flasks, warm waistcoats, books, jig-saw puzzles, and games, all of which were very welcome. One public-spirited gentleman, a yacht-owner, forwarded a consignment of many dozen brand-new 'sevenpennies,' and was blessed for his gift. Societies and clubs sent more reading matter; and though it is true that Chatterbox for 1891 and bound copies of a poultry journal for 1887 do not appeal to modern sailors as they should, the greater portion of what arrived was eagerly seized upon and as eagerly read.

The men's friends themselves contributed regular consignments of newspapers, tobacco, cigarettes, soap, tooth-powder, biscuits, home-made cakes, sweets of all kinds, fruit, tomatoes done up in flimsy brown-paper parcels, and many other articles of food and utility too numerous to be mentioned in detail. These gifts also were most acceptable, though it was found that bull's-eyes and peppermints sometimes had an unhappy knack of melting in transit, while as often as not the fruit and tomatoes were found at the very bottom of the mail-bags in the form of a nauseating, ready-made salad well impregnated with brown paper, string, and the rapidly disintegrating contents of other people's parcels.

What with the extra food and their warm garments, the figures of the 'gallant defenders' rapidly assumed elephantine proportions. Thin sailors became bulbous; fat sailors became colossal. They had never had such a time in all their lives.

IV

Christmas came and went; but, though the ship's company made a point of keeping up the time-honoured traditions and customs, things were hardly the same as usual. They did not suffer from lack of seasonable fare, for volleys of plum-puddings and other comestibles from home had temporarily superseded the deluge of mufflers, mittens, and cigarettes; while the canteen did a roaring trade in turkeys, geese, boiled hams, fruit, holly, and chains of coloured paper for decorations.

On the morning of the 25th itself the squadron happened to be in harbour, and at daylight the Belligerent and every other ship appeared with the customary branches of fir and evergreen lashed to the mastheads and the yardarms.

At eight o'clock came a signal from the vice-admiral wishing all the officers and men under his command 'A Happy Christmas;' and at divisions at nine-thirty the officers took the opportunity of saying the same.

Then came church and the issue of Princess Mary's gifts; and if the donors to the fund could have seen the way these gilt boxes, with their cards, pipes, packets of tobacco, and cigarettes, were appreciated by their recipients they would have felt that their generosity had been repaid. A gift was always a gift and something to be appreciated, but a gift from a Royal Princess was to be treasured as an heirloom. As a consequence, the greater number of the men sent their boxes home by registered post without smoking the contents. They were far too valuable to be kept on board when there was a chance of the ship being torpedoed by a hostile submarine or sunk by a mine.

Shortly before noon the band assembled outside the captain's cabin, and as eight bells struck, Captain Spencer, preceded by the musicians playing 'The Roast Beef of Old England' and the 'funny party' with blackened faces and attired in a variety of strange costumes, and followed by a procession of all the officers, made the usual tour of the mess-deck. Some of the messes were embellished with festoons of paper chains, sprigs and bunches of holly and mistletoe, and home-made mottoes. Others were hardly decorated at all, but all the tables were well laden with food. At the foot of each mess stood a man with a plate of cake, pastry, or pudding, which he offered to all the officers in turn as they passed by. Every one of them took a small piece, wished the occupants of the mess 'A Happy Christmas,' nibbled the cake or whatever it was, and then hastily secreted the remains in his pocket. There were several dozen messes to be visited, and a few ounces of stodgy cake from each of them would provide more than enough for a schoolboy.

Opposite one of the chief petty officers' messes the procession came to a halt close to a blackboard on which was chalked in large letters:

'The Ship's Company of H.M.S. Belligerent wish Captain Spencer and the officers a very happy Christmas and a bright and joyful New Year. They deeply regret that up to the present Captain Spencer has not had the opportunity of taking them into action, but are anxiously awaiting the time when he will.'

The captain smiled, took the proffered chalk, and made his reply.

'The same to you,' he wrote. 'Captain Spencer will be only too pleased to take the ship into action whenever the enemy give him the chance. When the time comes he and the officers know that they may rely on the "Belligerents" to give a good account of themselves. Let 'em all come!'

Loud and prolonged cheering before the procession moved on.

It took fully half-an-hour to do the whole round of the messes; but at last the officers disappeared to their own lunch, and left the men to go on with their meal. They acquitted themselves nobly.

Soon after lunch, when Tickle had retired to his cabin and was composing himself for his usual afternoon slumber, there came a knock at his door. 'Well, what is it?' he inquired lazily.

'It's me, sir,' said Petty Officer Casey, insinuating his head through the curtain. 'The foc's'lemen sends their compliments, sir, an' would yer be so kind as to visit 'em in their messes for a few minutes?'

Tickle yawned, hoisted himself out of his bunk, and stepped outside. Here he was promptly seized by four stalwart A.B.'s, hoisted shoulder-high, and, with a man in front playing triumphantly upon a mouth-organ, was carried off. Down ladders and up ladders they went, through cheering crowds on the mess-deck, until they finally allowed him to slide gracefully to earth among the men of his own forecastle division.

They proceeded to drink his health in navy rum, a compliment which he was bound to return; but even then the ordeal was not over.

'They'd like yer to say a few words, sir,' Petty Officer Casey prompted him hoarsely.

Tickle cleared his throat nervously. 'I'm not much of a hand at making a speech,' he began; 'but I'm very glad to come here and wish you all a happy Christmas again. From what I can see' – he looked round the tables – 'you all seem to have been enjoying yourselves. My only regret – our only regret, I should say – is that we haven't had a chance of meeting the enemy yet; but that's a pleasure we all look forward to' —

Here he was interrupted by loud cheers and bangings on the tables.

'It's quite unnecessary for me to tell you that I know the Belligerent will do jolly well when the time comes, and that the men of the forecastle division will do better than any one else' —

Loud cries of ''Ear, 'ear!' and more shouting.

'I've clean forgotten what I was going to say,' he went on, laughing. 'Oh yes. I'm sure the forecastlemen will do better than any one else when it comes to a scrap; but don't get down-hearted if we have to wait for some time before we get it. Other ships have had a run for their money, and we haven't; but we're all doing our bit for the country, and it's up to us to do our duty wherever the Admiralty choose to send us. At the same time, I hope the war will not be over before we have our look in. Well,' he concluded, 'I don't think there is anything else I can say, except to wish you all the best of luck.' He lifted the fanny30 to his lips and sipped its contents.

'An' th' same to you, sir!' came a roar. 'Three cheers for Lootenant Tickle!'

'One more, boys!' somebody yelled excitedly. 'Hip, hip, hip, hurrah!'

Tickle, feeling very awkward and red in the face, bowed his acknowledgments. 'Thank you very much indeed,' he said quietly. He could not express his feelings in mere words.

The Belligerent was a happy ship, and the officers were popular with their men, and many of them, including the commander, the engineer-commander, all the officers of divisions, captain of marines, and most of the midshipmen and warrant-officers, were ruthlessly dragged from their afternoon slumber and carried forward to the mess-decks to make speeches. Christmas, the time of good-fellowship and goodwill, only came once a year, but it was one of the rare occasions when the men were able to show their officers what they really thought of them.

So, taking it all round, they managed to enjoy themselves, for bluejackets always succeed in being cheerful under any circumstances; but nobody could help having a feeling at the back of his mind that this particular Christmas was not quite the same as others, as indeed it was not. They were thinking of their homes and of what was happening there, and many of them, officers as well as men, had not set foot on shore for weeks – months, in some cases.