Next Door Neighbours: A Comedy; In Three Acts

SIR GEORGE

I am glad to hear it.

BLUNTLY

They have been it seems above a twelvemonth in London, in search of some rich relations; but instead of meeting with them, the father was seen and remembered by an old creditor who has thrown him into prison.

SIR GEORGE

I am very glad to hear it.

BLUNTLY

But the young woman, Sir, has been so short a time in town, she has, seemingly, a great deal of modesty and virtue.

SIR GEORGE

And I am very glad to hear of that too – I like her the better – you know I do – for I am weary of that ready compliance I meet with from the sex.

BLUNTLY

But if I might presume to advise, sir – as you are so soon to be married to her ladyship, whom you love with sincere affection, you should give up this pursuit.

SIR GEORGE

And I shall give it up, Bluntly, before my marriage takes place – for, short as that time may be, I expect this passion will be over and forgotten, long before the interval has passed away. —

But that brother you were mentioning —

BLUNTLY

I have some reason to think, that with all his poverty, he has a notion of honour.

SIR GEORGE[Laughing.

Oh! I have often tried the effect of a purse of gold with people of honour. – Have you desired them to be sent for as I ordered.

BLUNTLY

I have, Sir.

SIR GEORGE

See if they are come. [Exit Bluntly.] Ah!

my dear Lady Caroline, it is you, and only you, whom I love with a sincere passion! but in waiting this long expected event of our marriage, permit me to indulge some less exalted wishes.

Enter BluntlySIR GEORGE

Are they come?

BLUNTLY

The young man is in the anti-chamber, sir, but his sister is not with him. (Speaking to Henry who is without) Please to walk this way – my master desires to see you.

SIR GEORGE

No, no, no – I do not desire to see him, if his sister is not there. – Zounds you scoundrel what did you call him in for?

Enter Henry, and bows[Sir George looks at him with a careless familiarity– Bluntly leaves the room.]SIR GEORGE

Young man, I am told you are very poor – you may have heard that I am very rich – and I suppose you are acquainted with the extensive meaning of the word – generosity.

HENRY

[After an hesitation.] Perhaps not, sir.

SIR GEORGE

The meaning of it, as I comprehend, is, for the rich to give to the poor. – Have you any thing to ask of me in which I can serve you?

HENRY

Your proposal is so general, I am at a loss what to answer – but you are no doubt acquainted with the extensive meaning of the word, pride, – and that will apologize for the seeming indifference with which I receive your offer.

SIR GEORGE

Your pride seems extensive indeed. – I heard your father was in prison, and I pitied him.

HENRY

Did you, Sir? – Did you pity my father: – I beg your pardon – if I have said any thing to offend you pray forgive it – nor let my rudeness turn your companion away from him, to any other object.

SIR GEORGE

Would a small sum release him from confinement? Would about a hundred pounds —

HENRY

I have no doubt but it would.

SIR GEORGE

Then take that note. – Be not surprised – I mean to dispose of a thousand guineas this way, instead of fitting up a theatre in my own house. – That (giving him the note) is a mere trifle; my box at the opera, or my dinner; I mean to dine alone to morrow, instead of inviting company.

HENRY

Sir George, I spoke so rudely to you at first, that I know no other way to shew my humility, than to accept your present without reluctance. – I do therefore, as the gift of benevolence, not as the insult of better fortune.

SIR GEORGE

You have a brother, have not you?

HENRY

No, Sir – and only one sister.

SIR GEORGE

A sister is it? well, let me see your father and your brother – your sister I mean – did not you say? – you said a sister, did not you?

HENRY

Yes, Sir.

SIR GEORGE

Well, let me see your father and her; they will rejoice at their good fortune I imagine, and

I wish to be a witness of their joy.

HENRY

I will this moment go to our lawyer, extricate my father, and we will all return and make you the spectator of the happiness you have bestowed.

Forgive my eagerness to disclose your bounty, sir, if, before I have said half I feel, I fly to reveal it to my father; to whom I can more powerfully express my sensations – than in your presence.

[Exit.SIR GEORGE

That bait has taken – and now, if the sister will only be as grateful.

Enter BluntlyBLUNTLY

Dear sir, what can you have said to the young man? I never saw a person so much affected!

SIR GEORGE

In what manner?

BLUNTLY

The tears ran down his cheeks as he passed along, and he held something in his hand which he pressed to his lips, and then to his heart, as if it was a treasure.

SIR GEORGE

It is a treasure, Bluntly – a hundred Guineas.

BLUNTLY

But for which, I believe, you expect a greater treasure in return.

SIR GEORGE

Dost think so Bluntly? – dost think the girl is worth a hundred pounds?

BLUNTLY

If she refuses, she is worth a thousand – but if she complies, you have thrown away your money.

SIR GEORGE

Just the reverse.

BLUNTLY

But I hope, sir, you do not mean to throw away any more thus – for although this sum, by way of charity, may be well applied, yet indeed, sir, I know some of your creditors as much in want as this poor family.

SIR GEORGE

How! – You are in pay by some of my creditors I suppose?

BLUNTLY

No, Sir, you must pay them, before they can pay any body.

SIR GEORGE

You are impertinent – leave the room instantly, and go in search of this sister; now, while the son is gone to release his father. – Tell her, her brother is here, and bring her hither immediately.

BLUNTLY

But, sir, if you will only give me leave to speak one word —

SIR GEORGE

Do, speak; [Goes to the chimney-piece and takesdown a pistol] only speak a single syllable, and I'll send a ball instantly through your head.

BLUNTLY

I am dumb, Sir – I don't speak indeed, Sir – upon my life I don't. I wish I may die if I speak a word.

SIR GEORGE

Go on the errand I told you; and if you dare to return without the girl this is your fate.

[Holding up the pistol.BLUNTLY

Yes, Sir.

[Exit.SIR GEORGE[Laying the pistol on the table.

Impertinent puppy; to ruffle the temper of a man of fashion with hints of prudence and morality, and paying his debts – all this from a servant too. The insolent, chattering —

Enter BluntlyBLUNTLY

May I speak now, sir?

SIR GEORGE

What have you to say?

BLUNTLY

Mr. Blackman, sir.

SIR GEORGE

Bid him come in.

Enter Blackman. Exit BluntlySIR GEORGE

Good morning, Mr. Blackman; come, sit down.

BLACKMAN[Bowing respectfully.

I am glad, Sir George, I have found you alone, for I come to speak to you on important business.

SIR GEORGE

Business! – no – not now if you please.

BLACKMAN

But I must, sir – I have been here ten times before, and have been put off, but now you must hear what I have to say.

SIR GEORGE

Don't be long then – don't be tedious, Mr. Blackman – for I expect a, a – in short, I expect a pretty woman.

BLACKMAN

When she comes, I will go.

SIR GEORGE

Very well, speak quickly then. What have you to say?

BLACKMAN

I come to speak upon the subject of your father's will; by which you know, you run the hazard of losing great part of what he left behind.

SIR GEORGE

But what am I to do?

BLACKMAN

There is no time to be lost. Consider, that Mr. Manly, the lawyer, whom your father employed, is a man who pretends to a great deal of morality; and it was he who, when your father found himself dying, alarmed his conscience, and persuaded him to make this Will in favour of a second person. Now, I think that you and I both together, ought to have a meeting with this conscientious lawyer.

SIR GEORGE

But I should imagine, Mr. Blackman, that if he is really a conscientious man, you and he will not be upon good terms.

BLACKMAN

Oh! people of our avocation differ in respect to conscience. Puzzle, confound, and abuse each other, and yet are upon good terms.

SIR GEORGE

But I fear —

BLACKMAN

Fear nothing. – There are a vast number of resources in our art. – It is so spacious, and yet so confined – so sublime, and yet so profound – so distinct, and yet so complicated – that if ever this person with whom your fortune is divided should be found, I know how to envelope her in a labyrinth, where she shall be lost again in a hurry. – But your father's lawyer being a very honest – I mean a very particular man in his profession, – I have reason to fear we cannot gain him over to our purpose. – If, therefore, —

Enter BluntlySIR GEORGE

My visitor is come, as I told you.

BLACKMAN[Rising.

And I am gone, as I told you.

[Going. Enter EleanorBLACKMAN[Aside.

My lodger! ah! ah! (To her in a whisper)

You may stay another quarter.

[Exit.SIR GEORGE

(To Eleanor) I am glad to see you. – Bluntly —

[Makes a sign to him to leave the room.BLUNTLY

Sir?

[Sir George waves his hand and nodshis head a second time.BLUNTLY

Sir? —

[Still affecting not to understand him.SIR GEORGE

I bid you go. [Angrily.

BLUNTLY

You bid me go, sir? – Oh yes, sir. – Very well, sir. – But indeed, sir, I did not hear you before, sir. – Indeed I did not.

[Bows, and exit with reluctance, which Eleanor observes.ELEANOR

Pardon me, sir. – I understood my brother was here, but I find he is not.

SIR GEORGE

He is but this instant gone, and will return immediately. – Stay then with me till he comes. (Takes her hand.) Surely you cannot refuse to remain with me a few moments; especially as I have a great deal to say to you that may tend to your advantage. Why do you cast your eyes with such impatience on that door? (Goes and locks it.) There, now you may look at it in vain.

ELEANOR

For heaven sake, why am I locked in?

SIR GEORGE

Because you should not escape.

ELEANOR

That makes me resolve I will – Open the door, sir.

[Going to it.SIR GEORGE

Nay, listen to me. Your sentiments, I make no doubt, are formed from books.

ELEANOR

No, from misfortunes – yet more instructive.

SIR GEORGE

You shall never know misfortune more – you, nor your relations. – But this moment I presented your brother with a sum of money, and he left me with professions of the deepest gratitude.

ELEANOR

My brother! – Has he received money from you? Ah! he promised me he'd not disgrace his family.

SIR GEORGE

How! Family, indeed!

ELEANOR

I cannot remain here a moment longer. Open the door, sir – open it immediately.

[Raising her voice.BLUNTLY[Without.

Sir, sir, sir, – open the door, if you please – you are wanted, sir.

SIR GEORGE

S'death! who can want me in such haste?

[Opens the door, and appears confounded. Enter BluntlySIR GEORGE

Well, sir!

BLUNTLY

– Did you call, sir?

SIR GEORGE

It was you who called, sir.

BLUNTLY

Who, I, sir?

SIR GEORGE

Yes, sir, you – Who wants me?

BLUNTLY[Looking at Eleanor.

Perhaps it was you that called, Ma'am.

ELEANOR

It was I that called: and pray be so kind as to conduct me to my own lodgings.

[Bluntly offers her his hand.SIR GEORGE

Dare not to touch her – or to stay another moment in the room. – Begone.

[Bluntly looks at Eleanor aside, andpoints to the pistol; then bows humbly, andretires.SIR GEORGE

And now, my fair Lucretia —

[He is going to seize her – she takes upthe pistol and presents it.ELEANOR

No, it's not myself I'll kill – 'Tis you.

SIR GEORGE[Starting.

Nay, nay, nay, lay it down. – Lay that foolish thing down; I beg you will. (Trembling.) It is charged – it may go off.

ELEANOR

I mean it to go off.

SIR GEORGE

But no jesting – I never liked jesting in my life.

ELEANOR

Nor I – but am always serious. – Dare not, therefore, insult me again, but let me go to my wretched apartments.

[Passes by him, presenting the pistol.SIR GEORGE

Go to the —

[She turns short at the door, and presents it again.SIR GEORGE

What would you do? – Here Bluntly! Bluntly!

[Exit Eleanor. Enter BluntlyBLUNTLY

Did you call or no, sir?

SIR GEORGE

Yes, sir, I did call now. (In a threateningaccent.) Don't you think you have behaved very well this morning?

BLUNTLY

Yes, sir, I think I have.

SIR GEORGE

I am not joking.

BLUNTLY

Nor am I, sir.

SIR GEORGE

And do not you think I should behave very well, if I was to discharge you my service?

BLUNTLY

As well as can be expected, sir.

SIR GEORGE

Why did you break in upon me just now? Did you think I was going to murder the girl?

BLUNTLY

No, sir, I suspected neither love nor murder.

SIR GEORGE

What then did you suspect?

BLUNTLY

Why, sir, if I may make bold to speak – I was afraid the poor girl might be robbed: and of all she is worth in the world.

SIR GEORGE

Blockhead! I suppose you mean her virtue?

[Smiling with contempt.BLUNTLY

Why, to say the truth, sir, virtue is a currency that grows scarce in the world now-a-days – and some men are so much in need of it, that they think nothing of stopping a harmless female passenger in her road through life, and plundering her of it without remorse, though its loss, embitters every hour she must afterwards pass in her journey.

Enter HenryHENRY

Sir George, my father, liberated from prison by your bounty, is come gratefully to offer —

Enter Willford and EleanorELEANOR[Holding her father by the hand, to prevent hisgoing forward.

Oh, my father! whither are you going? Turn back – turn back.

HENRY[To his father.

This is your benefactor – the man whose benevolence has put an end to your sufferings.

[Eleanor bursts into tears and retires up the stage.WILLFORD

How, sir, can I ever repay what I owe to you? – or how describe those emotions, which your goodness at this moment makes me feel?

SIR GEORGE[In confusion.

Very well – very well – 'tis all very well. (Aside) I wish it was. – (To him) I am glad I have been of service to you.

WILLFORD

You have been like mercy to us all. My daughter's gratitude overflows in tears. – But why, my child, do you keep apart from us? Can you be too timid to confess your obligation?

SIR GEORGE

Let her alone – let her indulge her humour.

WILLFORD

Speak, Eleanor.

SIR GEORGE

No, I had rather she would be silent.

WILLFORD

You offend me by this obstinacy.

ELEANOR[Going to Willford and taking his hand.

Oh, my father! – Oh! I cannot – I cannot speak.

WILLFORD

Wherefore? – Explain this moment, what agitates you thus.

ELEANOR

You must return to confinement again.

WILLFORD

How?

ELEANOR

The money that has set you free, was given for the basest purposes – and by a man as far beneath you in principle, as you are beneath him in fortune. Disdain the obligation – and come my father, return to prison.

WILLFORD

Yes. – And with more joy than I left it. (To Sir George) Joy, in my daughter's virtuous contempt of thee. (To his children) Leave the house instantly.

[Exit Henry and Eleanor.WILLFORD[Addressing himself to Sir George.

Your present is but deposited in a lawyer's hands, whose word gained me my liberty —

he shall immediately return it to you, while I return to imprisonment.

SIR GEORGE

If the money is in a lawyer's hands, my good friend, it may be some time before you get it returned.

[Going.WILLFORD

Stay, Sir George – (he returns) And look me in the face while you insult me. (Sir George looks on the floor.) You cannot. – I therefore triumph, while you stand before me abashed like a culprit. – Yet be assured, unthinking, dissipated man, that with all your insolence and cruelty towards me and mine, I have still the charity to rejoice, even for your sake, at seeing you thus confounded. This shame is at least one trait in your favour; and while it revenges my wrongs, gives me joy to find, you are not a hardened libertine.

[Exeunt.END OF THE SECOND ACT

ACT III

SCENE I. The apartment at Sir GeorgeSplendorville's, where the night hasbeen passed at play – Several card-tableswith company playing– Sir George and Lady Caroline at the same table. SirGeorge rises furiously

SIR GEORGE

Never was the whole train of misfortunes so united to undo a man, as this night to ruin me. The most obstinate round of ill luck —

MR. LUCRE[Waking from a sleep.

What is all that? You have lost a great deal of money, I suppose?

SIR GEORGE

Every guinea I had about me, and fifteen thousand besides, for which I have given my word.

MR. LUCRE

Fifteen thousand guineas! and I have not won one of them. – Oh, confusion upon every thing that has prevented me.

SIR GEORGE[Taking Lady Caroline aside.

Lady Caroline, you are the sole person who has profited by my loss. – Prove to me that your design was not to ruin me; to sink me into the abyss of misfortune, – prove to me, you love me in return for all my tender love to you. And (taking up the cards) give me my revenge in one single cut.

LADY CAROLINE

If this is the proof you require, I consent.

SIR GEORGE

Thank you. – And it is for double or quit. – Thank you.

[She shuffles and cuts.SIR GEORGE

Ay, it will be mine – thank you. – I shall be the winner – thank you. (He cuts – then tears thecards and throws them on the floor.) Destraction! – Furies of the blackest kind conspire against me, and all their serpents are in my heart. – Cruel, yet beloved woman! Could you thus abuse and take advantage of the madness of my situation?

LADY CAROLINE

Your misfortunes, my dear Sir George – make you blind.

SIR GEORGE[Taking her again aside.

No, they have rather opened my eyes, and have shown me what you are. – Still an object I adore; but I now perceive you are one to my ruin devoted. – If any other intention had directed you, would you have thus decoyed me to my folly? – You know my proneness to play, your own likelihood of success, and have palpably allured me to my destruction. Ungrateful woman, you never loved me, but taught me to believe so, in order to partake of my prodigality. – Do not be suspicious, madam; the debt shall be discharged within a week.

LADY CAROLINE[With the utmost indifference.

That will do, sir – I depend upon your word; and that will do.

[Exit curtsying.SIR GEORGE

Ungrateful – cruel – she is gone without giving me one hope. – She even insults – despises me.

MR. LUCRE[Coming forward.

Indeed, my dear friend, I compassionate your ill luck most feelingly; and yet I am nearly as great an object of compassion on this occasion as yourself; for I have not won a single guinea of all your losses: if I had, why I could have borne your misfortune with some sort of patience.

LADY BRIDGET

My dear Sir George, your situation affects me so extremely, I cannot stay a moment longer in your presence. [Goes to the door, and returns.] But you may depend upon my prayers.

[Exit.LORD HAZARD

Sir George, if I had any consolation to offer, it should be at your service – but you know – you are convinced – I have merely a sufficiency of consolation – that is, of friends and of money to support myself in the rank of life I hold in the world. For without that – without that rank – I sincerely wish you a good morning.

[Exit Lord Hazard.SIR GEORGE

Good morning.

[The company by degrees all steal out of the room, except Mr. Lucre.SIR GEORGE[Looking around.

Where are all my guests? – the greatest part gone without a word in condolence, and the rest torturing me with insulting wishes. Here! behold! here is the sole reliance which I have prepared for the hour of misfortune; and what is it? – words – compliments – desertion – and from those, whose ingratitude makes their neglect still more poignant. [Turns and perceives Mr. Lucre.] Lucre, my dear Lucre, are not you amazed at what you see?

MR. LUCRE

No, not at all – 'tis the way of the world – we caress our acquaintances whilst they are happy and in power, but if they fall into misfortune, we think we do enough if we have the good nature to pity them.

SIR GEORGE

And are you, one of these friends?

MR. LUCRE

I am like the rest of the world. – I was in the number of your flatterers; but at present you have none – for you may already perceive, we are grown sincere.

SIR GEORGE

But have not you a thousand times desired me, in any distress, to prove you?

MR. LUCRE

And you do prove me now, do you not? – Heaven bless you. [Shaking hands with him] I shall always have a regard for you – but for any thing farther – I scorn professions which I do not mean to keep.

[Going.SIR GEORGE

Nay, but Lucre! consider the anguish in which you leave me! – consider, that to be forsaken by my friends is more affecting than the loss of all my fortune. Though you have nothing else to give me, yet give me your company.

MR. LUCRE

My dear friend I cannot. Reflect that I am under obligations to you – so many indeed that I am ashamed to see you. – I am naturally bashful; and do not be surprised if I should never have the confidence to look you in the face again.

[Exit.SIR GEORGE

This is the world, such as I have heard it described, but not such as I could ever believe it to be. – But I forgive – I forget all the world except Lady Caroline – her ingratitude fastens to my heart and drives me to despair. She, on whom I have squandered so much – she, whom I loved – and whom I still love, spite of her perfidy!

(Enter Bluntly.)

Well, Bluntly – behold the friendship of the friends I loved! This morning I was in prosperity and had many – this night I am ruined, and I have not one.

BLUNTLY

Ruined, sir?

SIR GEORGE

Totally: and shall be forced to part with every thing I possess to pay the sums I owe. – Of course, I shall part with all my servants – and do you endeavour to find some other place.

BLUNTLY

But first, sir, – permit me to ask a favour of you?

SIR GEORGE

A favour of me? I have no favours now to grant.

BLUNTLY

I beg your pardon, sir – you have one – and I entreat it on my knees.

SIR GEORGE

What would you ask of me?

BLUNTLY

To remain along with you still. – I will never quit you; but serve you for nothing, to the last moment of my life.

SIR GEORGE

I have then one friend left. (Embracing him.) And never will I forget to acknowledge the obligation.

Enter BlackmanBLACKMAN

Pardon me – sir – I beg ten thousand pardons – pray excuse me, (In the most servile manner,) for entering before I sent to know if you were at leisure – but your attendants are all fast asleep on the chairs of your antichamber. – I could not wake a soul – and I imagined you yourself were not yet up.

SIR GEORGE

On the contrary, I have not yet been in bed. And when I do go there, I wish never to rise from it again.

BLACKMAN

Has any thing unexpected happened?

SIR GEORGE

Yes. – That I am ruined – inevitably ruined – Behold (Shewing the cards) the only wreck of my fortune.

BLACKMAN

(Starting.) Lost all your fortune?

SIR GEORGE

All I am worth – and as much more as I am worth.

[Blackman draws a chair, sits down withgreat familiarity, and stares Sir George rudely in the face.BLACKMAN

Lost all you are worth? He, he, he, he! (Laughs maliciously.) Pretty news, truly! Why then I suppose I have lost great part of what I am worth? all which you are indebted to me? – However there is a way yet to retrieve you. But – please to desire your servant to leave the room.

SIR GEORGE

Bluntly, leave us a moment. (Exit Bluntly.) Well, Mr. Blackman, what is this grand secret?

BLACKMAN

Why, in the state to which you have reduced yourself, there is certainly no one hope for you, but in that portion, that half of your fortune, which the will of your father keeps you out of.

SIR GEORGE

But how am I to obtain it? The lawyer in whose hands it is placed, will not give it up, without being insured from any future demand by some certain proofs.

BLACKMAN

And suppose I should search, and find proofs? Suppose I have them already by me? – But upon this occasion, you must not only rely implicitly on what I say, but it is necessary you should say the same yourself.