Nursery Comedies

J. – Well, if girls are stupid, they are not so rude as boys.

R. – Girls are rude sometimes. It was very rude of you to talk about my dropping the cutlet into my lap.

M. – (Mother coming in with two tea-pots.) You don't mean to say you are still discussing that cutlet! Now, which of the tea-pots is it to be?

R. – Oh, Mammy, I have such a good idea! Let's have them both, one at each end, and then we can both pour out tea.

M. – Very well.

(They put tea-pots on table. They walk round the table looking at them. The Mother goes on writing.)

R. – Oh, this is capital. Now, we must get the things to eat. We shall want milk and sugar.

J. – And bread and butter and biscuits.

R. – And jam and cakes, perhaps – because, as it is our own tea-party, it ought to be a grand one.

J. – Of course.

R. – I've got some sugar that I put in my pocket this morning for the raven.

(Feels in his pocket, and brings out string, knife, etc., finally four lumps of sugar, one at a time.)

J. – Four lumps, will that be enough?

R. – I wonder how many Mammy will want. Mammy, do you like your tea very, very sweet?

M. – No, I don't like sugar in it at all.

R. – Oh, that's capital. Now, Janet, we can have two lumps each, one in each cup of tea. You can't have more. It's horrid to be greedy, you know.

J. – (With a sigh.) Well, I suppose that will have to do.

R. – Now, there's the milk, we'll ask the cook for that.

J. – And we shall want some spoons and knives.

R. – Susan will get out those.

J. – I should like to have some toast, too.

R. – We'll ask nurse to make that, they make such nice toast in the nursery.

J. – And then the biscuits.

R. – And the jam. We must ask Mammy what we may have. Mammy!

M. – What is it now?

R. – We may have some biscuits and some cakes, as well as bread and butter, mayn't we?

M. – Oh yes, you may look in the dining-room cupboard for what you want, if you don't take too much.

R. – Oh, how delightful! Come, Janet.

M. – (Alone.) Perhaps in the meantime I shall be able to add up my accounts!

(Writes intently. After a minute the children burst in again, carrying spoons, and knives, and plates.)

R. – Oh, Mammy, there are such a lot of things in the dining-room cupboard, we don't know which to choose.

J. – I wish you would come and help us.

R. – I suppose you're too busy, aren't you?

M. – Oh, I daresay I can manage it. (Gets up.)

R. – (Who is laying the table.) You know really, Mammy, the best thing would be that you should look into the dining-room cupboard, while Janet and I finish the table; we are so very busy, you see.

M. – (Smiling.) I will go and look in the cupboard and see what I can find. (Exit Mother.)

R. – Now, this is getting on splendidly, isn't it Janet? Let me see, have we remembered everything?

J. – I think so. The cook is making the tea and getting the milk.

R. – Susan is cutting the bread and butter.

J. – Nurse is making the toast.

R. – Mammy is choosing the cakes and the jam. I must say I do feel proud of doing it all by ourselves, without giving anybody extra trouble.

J. – Yes, it makes me feel as if we were such good children.

R. – So it does me.

J. – I should like to feel like this every day.

R. – Oh, I think one would soon get tired of it, you know. Oh, here comes Mammy! (They both run up to her as she comes in.) Well, Mammy, well?

M. – Well, you had better go into the dining-room and see if you approve of my choice.

R. – Oh, thank you. Now we must have some plates to put the cakes upon.

J. – Mammy, may we just for once have those beautiful little plates out of the china cupboard?

M. – Just for once then, if you take good care of them.

R. – Then, Mammy, I think you had better get them out for fear we should break them.

M. – Very well, let's go and get them.

(She gives a hand to each.)

J. – Oh, are you not pleased with us for arranging our tea-party all by ourselves! (They go out.)

Curtain

THE BEST CHILDREN IN THE WORLD

CHARACTERS

MRS. MONTGOMERY.

HARRY.

PHŒBE.

THE BEST CHILDREN IN THE WORLD

Mrs. Montgomery. – (With her bonnet on, putting on her gloves, etc. Harry and Phœbe playing on the floor.) Good-bye, my children, I shall be back soon. (Harry and Phœbe get up.)

Harry. – Where are you going, Mammy?

Mrs. M. – Only to pay two visits.

Phœbe. – How long will that take?

Mrs. M. – About three-quarters of an hour, if the people are at home.

P. – You would be very sorry if they weren't at home, wouldn't you?

Mrs. M. – Oh, of course.

H. – What stupid questions Phœbe asks, doesn't she!

Mrs. M. – Well, never mind, everybody is stupid sometimes. What are you going to do while I am away?

H. – We are going to play, I suppose.

Mrs. M. – Hadn't you better go to the nursery then?

H. – Oh no, Mammy! it's so babyish to stay in the nursery! It's much nicer to stay in the drawing-room by ourselves, as if we were you and Pappy.

Mrs. M. – Only Pappy and I don't get into mischief when we are left in the drawing-room.

H. – We won't either. You tell us what we mustn't do in here, and we will be the best children in the world.

Mrs. M. – Well, now, let me see: you are not to have a pillow fight with the sofa cushions.

H. – Of course not.

P. – What an idea!

Mrs. M. – You are not to play with my reels of cotton, or to throw them about.

P. – Certainly not.

Mrs. M. – You are not to build houses with the books, or to drop them on the ground.

H. – No, we won't.

Mrs. M. – And, above all, you are not to touch that box.

H. – Why mustn't we touch that box?

Mrs. M. – Never you mind that.

H. – Oh Mammy! is it a great secret?

Mrs. M. – Perhaps it is. Now, mind you remember all I've told you.

H. – Of course we will. Good-bye, dear Mammy. (They kiss.)

Mrs. M. – Good-bye.

P. – Look at us out of the window. (They go and stand at the window and wave their handkerchiefs.)

H. – (Turning from the window.) Now, what shall we do?

P. – I think it's rather dull staying in the drawing-room. Let's go into the nursery.

H. – No, that's so babyish – you talk as if we were little children. Let us stay here, and do exactly what Pappy and Mammy do.

P. – Very well – I'll sit here and work, and you sit in that chair with your legs crossed, and read the newspaper to me.

Harry sits and crosses his legs, takes a newspaper.

P. – I wish I had some work to do. I wonder if I may do some of Mammy's?

H. – I should think so. She didn't say anything about her work, she only said you weren't to play with the reels of cotton, you know.

P. – Well, of course, I shan't do that. (Takes a piece of embroidery.) Oh dear, I've unthreaded the needle! I shall never be able to work with this thick thread, I must get a finer reel. (Gets out two or three reels which she puts in her lap. Tries to thread the needle.)

H. – Now, I'll tell you what, I'll read out loud just as Pappy does. (Begins to read.) "The threatening aspect of the political outlook has undergone no recent modification – " what on earth does that mean?

P. – I don't know in the least what modication means.

H. – It isn't modication, you stupid! mod-i-fi-cation.

P. – Well, what's the difference?

H. – How should I know?

P. – Then you are as stupid as I am.

H. – No, I am not. Boys are never as stupid as girls. But I'll look it out in the dictionary.

(Puts a sofa cushion on a chair and stands on it to get down the dictionary. Jumps down and knocks down chair, and falls down with books.)

P. – Great clumsy creature you are!

H. – You are not to call me names.

(Throws the sofa cushion at her.)

P. – Naughty boy!

(Jumps up, reels fall off her lap, and picks up the cushion. He tries to drag it away from her. While struggling, they knock over the box their mother told them not to touch. It drops. It is full of sugar plums. They are all spilt on the ground.)

H. – Now look what you've done!

P. – Sugar plums!

H. – That's the box Mammy told us not to touch.

P. – We must pick them up as quickly as possible, and put them in again.

(They begin putting them in again.)

H. – I wonder whether they are really sugar plums?

P. – I'll tell you what. Let's lick the outside of one and see if it's sweet.

H. – (Licks it.) Yes, they are sugar plums.

P. – (Licking one.) Are you quite sure?

H. – Yes, I think so. I'll just lick it again to be quite certain. Oh yes, they are sugar plums, there's not a doubt. (They put them into the box.)

P. – I think it's rather horrid to put them back into the box again after we have licked them.

H. – I think it is. Let us take out the ones we licked, and eat them. That will be cleaner, won't it?

P. – But they are all mixed! I don't know which they are now!

H. – Oh, you are a stupid girl! Well, we must eat all that are in the box, there is no help for it.

P. – I really think that would be the safest plan.

(Their mother comes in while they are sitting on the floor eating the sugar plums.)

Mrs. M. – I've come back for my card-case which I have forgotten. Why, what have you been doing? Oh, Harry! Oh, Phœbe! I thought you were going to be so good!

P. – So we were! We were trying to be very, very good.

H. – Awfully good.

Mrs. M. – Good, indeed! I told you not to play with my work-basket, or the books, or the sofa cushions, or that box, and you have disobeyed me in everything! My reels are on the floor, my books on the floor, the sofa cushion on the floor, the box that I particularly asked you not to touch upset and emptied! I must say I think you have been very naughty.

H. – Dear Mammy, I am so sorry! We really didn't mean to play with any of the things. We were going to be like you and Pappy. So I began to read the paper to Phœbe.

P. – While I did your work.

Mrs. M. – (Horrified.) My work!

H. – And, then, because I didn't understand what we were reading about, I got a dictionary to look out the words, and I dropped it, and Phœbe said I was clumsy.

P. – So then he threw a sofa cushion at me.

H. – Only because she called me names, you know. It wasn't a pillow fight in the least.

P. – And I jumped up, and the reels rolled off my lap, and I tried to take the cushion away from him, and somehow we knocked over the box.

H. – But we didn't mean to in the very least. It was quite by accident.

Mrs. M. – Then, how did those sugar plums get into your mouths? That was by accident too I suppose.

H. – No, that was because we thought it was so dirty to put back the sugar plums we had licked.

P. – We just licked them to make sure they were sugar plums.

Mrs. M. – I see. Well, those sugar plums were for you. Your uncle sent them, and I was going to give them to you this evening, but now I shall throw them away instead.

H. – Throw them away! Oh, Mammy, what a pity!

Mrs. M. – Yes, it is a pity I can't trust two children of six and seven years old in a room by themselves. Come, let me see you safely in the nursery before I go out again.

P. – It is a pity, just when we were trying to be the best children in the world! (They go out.)

THE GOLDEN GOOSE

A Play in Four Scenes

CHARACTERS

Two hours elapse between Scenes I. and II. Twenty-four hours between Scenes II. and III. An hour between Scenes III. and IV.

THE GOLDEN GOOSE

Scene I. Father, Mother, Tom, and Jack. A room in a cottage

Father. – What a bore it is I sprained my ankle in the wood.

Mother. – Aye! That indeed it is. If you can't manage to go and sell some more fagots at the market, we shall soon be starving.

F. – One of the boys will go instead of me.

Jack. – I'll go, Father, willingly.

Tom. – You, you stupid! what do you know of wood-cutting? you will be cutting down blackberry plants, or something, to make firewood of.

F. – Tom can go.

M. – What! Send that precious boy to stand in a damp wood all day!

T. – I must have a good lunch, then, to take with me. A mutton cutlet, a sausage, an apple tart – a hamper full of nice things.

M. – Of course you shall, my pretty dear.

F. – Well, I don't think there will be much work done – he will be much too busy with his sausage and apple tart.

T. – Well, Father, you don't want me to starve, I suppose!

F. – I think it would do you a great deal of good.

M. – Oh, fie! How can you be so cruel with the darling child!

F. – We'll wait and see how much work he can do, and if he doesn't succeed, Jack will have to go.

M. – Ah, Jack, it is a great pity you're too stupid to make yourself useful, or else you might have gone, and saved your dear brother the trouble.

J. – I could do it quite well.

M. – No, you wouldn't, you are a great deal too stupid. (To Tom.) Come, let me lace your boots for you, darling.

Curtain

Scene II. A wood. Tom alone, a large hamper by his side

T. – Well, this isn't such bad fun after all, as long as one can rest. I haven't chopped much wood yet, I thought I'd do it after luncheon. I shall feel so much stronger then, and be able to work twice as hard. Let me see, it must be time to lay the table. (Opens lid of hamper and looks in.) Ah, this does look good! Sausage rolls, chicken sandwiches, a salad, jam tarts, all kinds of nice things! I am so glad there is no one to share it with me! I How much nicer it is to lunch by one's self.

Voice. – Ahem! (From behind the tree.)

(Tom shuts the lid of the hamper quickly, and looks round.)

T. – What's that?

(The sound is repeated. He looks round. A little old man, dressed all in grey, with a pointed hat, appears.)

Grey Man. – Good morning, young sir.

T. – Good morning, old creature.

G. M. – You seem to be having a picnic all by yourself.

T. – Yes, fortunately I am all alone. I don't like picnics with other people.

G. M. – That's a pity. I was just going to ask if I might join you.

T. – You!

G. M. – Yes, the fact is I am a long way from my home, and I am hungry, and seeing that large hamper I thought you might be able to spare some food for the tired wayfarer.

T. – Well, I am sorry to say I can't; there happens to be just enough for myself in that hamper.

G. M. – What, can you not even spare me a crust of bread?

T. – No, I shall have to eat it up all myself in order to keep up my strength while I am cutting wood this afternoon.

G. M. – (Lifting up his hand and speaking in a loud, warning tone.) Take care, young man, lest your meal and your wood-cutting come to an untimely end. (He goes away.)

T. – Tiresome old creature! He's gone, at any-rate. Now I can lunch in peace. (Opens lid of hamper. Starts.) Oh, what has happened? Where has everything gone? My beautiful luncheon has disappeared! The sausage rolls have turned to sticks! (Throws out sticks, leaves, etc., as he speaks.) The salad into dead leaves! The chicken sandwiches and jam tart into brown paper! Oh, what an unfortunate youth I am! Now I shall have no luncheon. It is all because of that horrid grey man. He was an enchanter, I suppose, or a fairy of some kind. Why didn't he say so at once? Then I might have given him a piece of chicken. Well, it's too late now, I suppose. Perhaps I had better cut some wood, there's nothing else to do. There's a tree that would be easy enough.

(Goes out r. carrying his axe over his shoulder. A cry is heard.)

Oh, dear! Oh, dear me! (Comes in again holding his arm.) Oh, I've chopped my hand nearly off! Oh, what a day of misfortunes this is! I must go home and send for the doctor, while my mother makes me some jelly and arrowroot.

(Ties handkerchief round his neck as a sling. Puts left hand into it. Exit carrying hamper and axe.)

Curtain

Scene. III. The same

Enter Jack with a small basket

J. – Ah, now I think I'll sit down and have my luncheon. Working so hard has made me rather hungry. (Looks off l.) That's a great heap of wood, I must say, to have cut in two hours. I wonder what my mother has put into the basket? Tom took such good things away with him yesterday – but my mother said she had nothing for me except some bones the dog had left, and some stale pieces of crust that had been thrown away. (Looks into basket.) Never mind, a good appetite and a good conscience make everything taste well. So here goes!

(Sits down. Draws handkerchief over his knees.)

Voice (Heard behind him.) – Ahem!

J. – (Looks round.) What's that? Somebody about? I am going to have a companion it seems.

G. M. – (Coming out.) Good morning, young gentleman.

J. – (Getting up and taking off his hat.) Good morning, sir.

G. M. – What! Were you picnicking alone in the wood?

J. – I was, yes.

G. M. – Do you object to be joined by a companion?

J. – On the contrary, I should like it – the more the merrier.

G. M. – To tell you the truth, I am very hungry. I have been out all day, and am far from my home.

J. – I only wish I had some food for you more worthy of your acceptance – but such as it is, you are heartily welcome to it. Pray take it all. There is not much, but what there is you are quite welcome to have – I can wait till I get home again.

G. M. – Generous youth! Your kindness of heart shall be rewarded. Look again at the contents of your basket, and you will find them better than you imagined.

J. – (Looking into the basket.) Oh, how exciting! What do I see? Mutton cutlets, cold partridge, cheese-cakes, grapes, bananas! Oh, how delightful! Now you will share with me, won't you?

(Holds out the basket to the old man.)

G. M. – No, my dear boy. I only asked you for some to prove you – and seeing how deserving you are, I will reward you still further. (Points off l. at the wood.) Take your axe and cut down that tree. You will find a bird at the root: she is yours. Farewell, and luck go with you.

(Exit.)

J. – Why, he must be a magician! What a delightful person to meet! I must go and cut down that tree at once. I'll just have a cheese-cake to keep me going.

(Crams a cheese-cake into his mouth and goes out. Sounds of chopping heard. Jack rushes in again with a golden goose in one hand and a nest with golden eggs in the other.)

J. – It was a golden goose, sitting on a nest of golden eggs! Oh, how splendid! Now my father need never cut wood again – we shall all be rich. I must rush home, and show them what I have found. (Exit hurriedly with the goose and the nest.)

Curtain

Scene IV. Same as Scene I

Father, Mother, Tom (lying on a couch)

M. – How are you, my dear boy? Feeling better?

T. – A little better. I think I could eat a jam puff now, and some almonds and raisins.

M. – You shall have them at once.

F. – In the meanwhile, I hope Jack is cutting more wood than you did, or I don't know what will happen.

M. – It's very unlikely that Jack should do anything better than Tom. If he has, it will be the first time it has ever happened.

Enter Jack

F. – I think I hear him. Well, have you brought us back any wood?

J. – Indeed, I have. But first, I must show you this glorious bird – my golden goose!

M. – A golden goose! Where did you find it?

J. – It was sitting at the root of a tree I cut down.

M. – Why, Tom, how was it you didn't find it?

T. – Because of my accident, of course. If I hadn't hurt my hand I certainly should have found it in another minute.

J. – It was a little grey man with a pointed cap who told me where to look for it.

T. – (Aside.) Horrid little creature! I wish I had offered him some luncheon! (Aloud.) He told me all about it. He intended it for me, so you had better hand it over.

(Tom grasps at the goose. Jack pulls it away. Tom gets up with it.)

T. – What has happened to the thing? I can't get away from it!

M. – Oh, my dear boy, what can have happened!

(Tries to drag Tom away, but sticks.)

T. – Go away, Mother. Don't hold on to me any more.

M. – I can't get away. (Father tries to drag them away.)

M. – Go away, Father!

F. – I can't, I'm stuck fast.

M. – I knew something stupid would happen if Jack went into the wood! bringing birds you stick to like fly-paper instead of proper faggots.

J. – (Smiling.) You shouldn't have tried to take my goose away from me.

T. – Well, now, you have had your joke, call your goose off, please.

J. – I can't call it off! I don't know how.

(Enter Grey Man.)

G. M. – I am the only person who can do it, because I am a powerful magician, and that golden goose is mine.

M. – Yours!

G. M. – Yes, and I gave it to Jack to reward him for a good, hard-working, generous boy, instead of being a lazy, selfish, unmannerly one like his brother yonder.

T. – Of course, if I had known who you were, I should have been civil to you.

G. M. – I daresay, yes, but you will find it more useful as you go through life to be civil to strangers, even when you don't know who they are. And now Jack, come with me and you shall live in a beautiful palace, where you shall marry a princess. As for you, you may let go the golden goose for ever (they all fall back), for you will remain humble wood-cutters all your lives. And, remember, it is only the deserving – especially the polite – who find the Golden Goose.

Curtain

CINDERELLA

A Play in Four Scenes

CHARACTERS

THE MOTHER.

THE FAIRY GODMOTHER.

MABEL.

THE PRINCE.

LUCY.

HERALD.

PEGGY (called CINDERELLA).

Lords and Ladies at Ball, etc.

CINDERELLA

Scene I

(The mother sitting with daughters.)

Mother. – (To Lucy.) What are you reading, my darling child? How sweet you look, lying there, buried in your book.

Lucy. – Yes Mamma, I thought I did. It's the story of a beautiful prince.

M. – Delightful, my dear! The story of a prince – yes, just the story for you to read. (To Mabel.) And you, my poppet, what is it you are doing?

Mabel. – I am thinking, Mamma.

M. – Thinking? Yes, that is just like you. Ah, you were always so clever, my chickabiddy. (To Peggy.) As for you, what are you doing here, plain, stupid girl, wasting the time, when you ought to be doing your work?

Peggy. – I am very sorry, I thought there was nothing to do at this present moment.

M. – Nothing to do indeed! A pretty story! Is all the house-work done?

P. – Everything.

L. – Are the buttons sewn on my long white gloves, for the ball to-night?

P. – Yes, they are.

Mab. – And is my beautiful ball-dress laid out on the bed?

P. – Everything is ready.

M. – Very well, my children, you had better go and dress.

L. – (Jumping up with joy.) Oh, how delightful! Come along, Mabel!

Mab. – (Delighted.) Oh, what fun it will be!

M. – Now, Peggy, what are you doing? Go and help them to dress, you know their frocks lace behind.

P. – (Going.) Very well. (Stopping at door.) Mamma!

M. – Well, what is it? What a long time you waste in chattering always!

P. – I suppose I might not go to the ball for a little while?

M. – You, Peggy, you at the ball? (Laughs.) I never heard anything so absurd.

L. – And what would you wear, pray? A dish-cloth, trimmed with dusters?