Nursery Comedies

P. – If I were you, I would arch my back instead, and rub myself against the master's legs.

T. – Of course I could arch my back if I wanted to do so, but I don't care to. Then after breakfast, I have a few minutes' rest before the fire.

P. – Oh, isn't that comfortable! Rolled round in a basket. It is so nice to purr a little, and then gradually go off to sleep.

T. – To tell the truth, I don't care to purr, I think it is so stupid. One might as well be a kettle or a bumble bee at once. What I like to do is to come and scratch at the door, just after it has been shut, to smell round the rug, to turn round two or three times, and then lie down quietly.

P. – To curl round with one's head nestled in between one's fore-paws.

T. – Oh, I like to sleep with my paws straight out.

P. – The result is, you don't sleep nearly so long.

T. – Because I haven't time. Then when my mistress goes out driving, I have to bark at the pony when he starts. And I have to go out with the carriage, and pay visits, and I jump upon strange people's laps, and make their dresses all muddy in front.

P. – That must be delightful! But I shouldn't care to go with the carriage, I would rather stay at home and enjoy myself, and scratch the visitors who come here. By the way, can you draw in your claws?

T. – Draw them in! Certainly not.

P. – You don't mean to say you can't do such a simple thing as that?

T. – Of course I could if I liked, but I don't choose. I think you ought to make up your mind either to have claws, or not to have them: not to be popping them in and out as you do.

P. – But it's so convenient when I walk about at night, to be able to steal about gently and then shoot out my claws when I see a mouse.

T. – Oh, how tempting that sounds! Then it's always at night you hunt?

P. – Oh, always. There is no one to see or to disturb you.

T. – Exactly. Now, when I go out with my master, if I go after a hen or a rabbit, I am beaten at once.

P. – Fancy being beaten for a hen!

T. – Isn't it absurd! Just for an idiotic bird like that!

P. – Who can't lap, or scratch!

T. – Nor bark, nor do anything!

P. – Never mind. I killed one last night, I am glad to say.

T. – You killed a hen?

P. – Certainly.

T. – Well, I do call that hard on me! My master beat me as hard as he could because of that hen.

P. – Well! Were you beaten for that wretched, tough old hen? That is funny!

T. – Yes, that is a good joke, madam, I dare say! But we shall see.

P. – Don't be angry about such a trifle.

T. – I will be revenged still more. I have already broken a Venetian looking-glass, to show my indignation.

P. – Was it you who broke the looking-glass?

T. – Certainly it was.

P. – Then we are quits. My mistress insisted that I had broken it, and would not give me my saucer of cream.

T. – Oh, that really is funny! We are quits, then. Shall we be friends again?

P. – Certainly, if you like.

T. – And, as a proof of our friendship, next time you come to kill the hens, I won't bark.

P. – That's a bargain. I'll steal two more to-night, and give you one.

T. – Oh, what a good plan! Let's go and choose them.

P. – Two nice fat ones!

(He offers her his arm. He says "Bow! Wow!" She says "Mew! Mew!" They go out.)

MISS DOBSON

CHARACTERS

BERTHA.

EVA.

DOROTHEA.

FANNY.

MISS DOBSON

All entering together

Bertha. – Are we very late, Miss Dobson?

(Looking round them.)

Dorothea. – Why, there is nobody here!

Fanny. – Where can she be?

Eva. – Perhaps she is late.

B. – Miss Dobson is never late.

F. – What is that letter on the table? Why, it's her writing! It's a letter from Miss Dobson!

F. – With our names written on it!

D. – It must be to say why she has not come.

B. – Quick! Let's open it.

E. – (Snatches at it.) No, no, I'll open it.

D. – Let us all open it together, and read it at the same time.

All. – Capital!

(They all rush at the letter which they tear in two.)

D. – Now, then, what shall we do?

B. – We shall have so much less to read.

E. – Let us see what is on this piece.

All. – (Reading together.) "My dear children, I am obliged to go off to Clapham by the ten o'clock train, to see my mother who is ill."

D. – Go to Clapham!

F. – By the ten o'clock train!

B. – To see her mother who is ill!

E. – Oh, how delightful!

B. – How delightful that her mother should be ill?

E. – No, of course not. I mean, how terrible!

All. – Poor Miss Dobson's mother!

D. – Come, let us see what else she says.

All. – (Reading.) "I shall not be back until the evening."

F. – She won't be back until the evening!

E. – We shall have a holiday then! (All dancing round.) A holiday! A holiday!

D. – Here's the other piece of the letter which we haven't read.

(They pick it up and read it.)

D. – (Reading.) "I hope you will be good children, and work by yourselves."

All. – Work by ourselves!

D. – (Reading.) "You can prepare your German, history, and geography, and do some drawing and practising."

F. – I never heard such a thing.

B. – I do call that a shame!

D. – It's horrid doing one's lessons alone.

E. – But still, it's nice not being scolded when one makes mistakes.

F. – I am quite sure I can't do my geography alone, because I never can find the additional towns on the map.

E. – Besides, Mamma does not like us to bend over the atlas, she says it is bad for the eyes.

D. – As for the drawing, we certainly can't do it, because Miss Dobson has got the key of the cupboard, where the soft pencils are.

B. – And as for the German, I never can find the words in the dictionary.

E. – And I certainly can't practise alone, because I never know where to put my thumb in the scale of F sharp minor.

F. – And I never know where to put my little finger in the scale of B.

D. – Then the only thing we can do alone is the history.

B. – And there will be quite time enough for that this afternoon.

F. – Then, in that case, we have our whole morning free.

B. – Oh, how delightful!

E. – Let's play at hide-and-seek.

F. – You all hide, and I'll come and look for you.

(Hides her face in her hands. The others go towards the door. A bell is heard. They stop.)

F. – (Uncovering her eyes.) A bell!

E. – Who can it be?

(They listen.)

E. – Suppose it were Miss Dobson!

B. – I'll go and see.

(Exit.)

F. – What shall we say if it is Miss Dobson?

D. – That we were going to play at hide-and-seek instead of doing our lessons!

E. – The point is, what will she say!

D. – She'll say a good deal.

Re-enter Bertha

B. – It is Miss Dobson! Her mother is much better. Her sister sent a telegram, and so she did not go to Clapham after all.

F. – What shall we do?

D. – Let's go and tell her how glad we are she has such good news.

B. – Yes, and let's ask for a holiday to celebrate her mother's recovery.

F. – Excellent! Let's go and meet her.

(They rush out to meet her, calling, "Miss Dobson! Miss Dobson!")

THE WIGWAM; or, THE LITTLE GIRL FROM TOWN

CHARACTERS

ELSIE.

MARY.

FANNY.

THE WIGWAM; OR, THE LITTLE GIRL FROM TOWN

Elsie. – Isn't it delightful that Fanny is coming from London to spend the day with us.

Mary. – Indeed it is. We must show her everything as soon as she comes.

E. – Yes, directly – and the first thing must be the wigwam.

M. – Of course it must, and we will tell her all about it, and that it is our own hut in the garden that we have arranged ourselves.

E. – Or shall we make her guess who made it?

M. – Oh yes! That would be lovely! We will take her there, and tell her to shut her eyes quite tight.

E. – Then she won't be able to see the wigwam.

M. – No, that's true. Then she must have them shut all the way through the garden.

E. – And when she gets there, we will say: "Open your eyes, and guess whose wigwam this is".

M. – And, when she has guessed that, we will say: "Now guess who painted it".

E. – And, when she has guessed that, we will say: "Now guess who furnished it".

M. – And, when she has guessed that, we'll say: "Guess who papered it".

E. – She'll be rather stupid if she does not guess that time whose it is.

M. – But, you know, little girls from London are very often stupid, when they come into the country.

E. – That's true. Do you remember when Amy came, she did not know the difference between a goose and a duck?

M. – And she was afraid of the turkey-cock!

E. – And she looked at an oak, and said how very small the chestnuts were!

M. – There's the door-bell. There they are! Now, mind, I am the eldest, so I shall say: "Now, I am going to show you the wigwam" as soon as she comes in.

E. – Before we shake hands?

M. – No! no! After we shake hands.

E. – I think I ought to say it too, you know.

M. – It would be absurd both saying it together, she won't understand.

E. – Oh, yes! she will, if we say it loud and slowly, like this, now then you say it with me (both together): We-are-going-to-show-you-the-wigwam!!

M. – Capital! There she is!

Enter Fanny

E. and M. – (Running round her.) How do you do? How do you do?

(Fanny smoothes her dress which they have crumpled. Elsie and Mary look at each other.)

E. and M. – (Together.) We are going to show you the wigwam. (Very loud and distinctly.)

(Fanny puts her hands over her ears.)

F. – Oh, how loudly you talk! One at a time, if you please. It makes me ill when you shout like that.

E. – We said we were going to show you the wigwam.

F. – What's that? I hate insects.

M. – It isn't an insect! it's a hut in the garden.

F. – That's not so bad. Dear me! how tired I am. (Looks round for a chair.)

E. – (Giving her a chair.) What has tired you so much?

F. – Why, we walked all the way from the station.

M. – The station! Why, it's barely five minutes from here.

F. – I don't care how long it is, it tired me all the same.

E. – We'll go to the wigwam when you are rested.

F. – How far is it?

M. – Just across the garden, on the other side of the lawn.

F. – If I walk across the grass I shall get my feet wet.

E. – Then we'll go by the gravel walk, it's only a few seconds longer.

F. – If I walk on the gravel I shall spoil my kid boots.

M. – You ought to have strong boots like ours for the country.

F. – I can't bear those clumsy boots!

E. – Then how are you going to get to the wigwam?

F. – Why should we go there at all?

M. – Because we wanted to show it to you.

F. – Why?

M. – We want you to guess who furnished it.

F. – The carpenter, I suppose, or the upholsterer, or whoever does those things.

M. – No, we did it.

F. – You!

M. – We papered and painted it all ourselves.

F. – Oh how disgusting!

E. – Disgusting! it was delightful. We did it with paste and with Aspinall.

M. – I love Aspinall.

F. – I don't. I hate having paint on my fingers.

E. – And the paste is quite clean – it's only flour and water.

F. – Flour and water! Ugh! I can't bear things that make one's fingers sticky.

E. – After all, it is very easy to wash off.

F. – I don't like to wash my hands too often, it spoils my skin.

E. – Besides, of course, you need not touch either the paste or the paint.

F. – What shall I do then?

E. – You shall sit down and look round you.

F. – Sit on what?

E. – On an old packing-case covered with chintz! You have no idea what a comfortable seat it makes.

F. – A packing-case! I am sure there would be nails in it that would catch on my dress. I would rather sit in the house on a proper chair.

E. – But you surely don't want to stay in all day, when the sun is shining like this?

F. – That's just it, I don't like to sit in the sun. I shall get freckled.

M. – Do you like to be out in the damp, then?

F. – Oh no, indeed! It takes the curl out of my hair.

M. – What shall we do, then? It's so dull sitting in here.

F. – Very! but I knew before I came it would be dull.

M. – (Aside.) Isn't she rude!

E. – (Aside.) Hush! (To Fanny.) I'll tell you what we will do. We'll go into the poultry-yard, it is shady there.

F. – Well, what is there to see in the poultry-yard?

E. – Oh, all sorts of things. We can look for eggs and bring in some for breakfast.

F. – I think the servants ought to do that.

M. – Or we can feed the hens.

F. – I wouldn't for worlds! I hate things that come flapping and pecking round my feet.

M. – Then let's go into the stable and we will show you our ponies.

F. – Oh, no! Stables are so smelly, I can't bear them.

E. – Well, is there anything you would like to do? What do you do in London?

F. – I like driving through the streets in an open carriage and looking at the shops.

M. – In that case, you had better have remained in London, as there are no streets here and no shops.

F. – Very well! I shall go and tell my mother that I want to go back.

M. – You had better! (Exit Fanny r.) Come, Elsie, let us go to the wigwam.

(They go out L.)

FOOLISH JACK

CHARACTERS

JACK.

HIS MOTHER.

FOOLISH JACK

Mother. – (Alone.) Jack! Jack! Where is the boy? He can never stay in the house. He must always be running round to all the neighbours. Ah, there he is at last!

Enter Jack

J. – Well, mother, how are you?

M. – I was getting anxious about you. Where have you been all this time?

J. – Oh, I've been seeing the neighbours.

M. – I thought as much. Which neighbours?

J. – First I went to see Father Clumpylump.

M. – Indeed! Father Clumpylump! Honest man! And what did he say to you?

J. – He gave me a needle for a present.

M. – A most useful present! Where is it?

J. – I stuck it into a bundle of hay that was standing in a cart, and then I could not find it again.

M. – I should think not, indeed! You ought to have stuck it into your sleeve.

J. – That's just what Father Clumpylump said.

M. – And he was quite right. And then?

J. – Then I went to call on Goody Grumbles.

M. – Indeed! Goody Grumbles, dear, old soul! And what had she to say?

J. – Not much; but she gave me a knife.

M. – A knife! Another most useful present! Where is it, then?

J. – I stuck it into my sleeve, and it fell out on the way.

M. – Of course it did. You ought to have put it into your pocket.

J. – That's just what Goody Grumbles said.

M. – And she was quite right. And then?

J. – And then I went to see Uncle Crabstick.

M. – Uncle Crabstick! Did he give you anything?

J. – Yes, he gave me a lamb.

M. – A lamb! How delightful! Where is it, then?

J. – I crammed it into my pocket, and it was stifled.

M. – I should think it was! Into your pocket! Good heavens! Whoever thought of putting a lamb into his pocket! You should have tied a rope round its neck and led it carefully along.

J. – That's just what Uncle Crabstick said.

M. – I should think he did! And then?

J. – Then I went to see Auntie Jumblewig.

M. – That was quite right. Did she give you anything?

J. – She gave me a splendid ham.

M. – A ham! I am glad. That will come in useful. Where is it?

J. – I tied a rope to it, and led it carefully along the road, but some dogs ate it up while I was not looking.

M. – Of course they did, you foolish boy! You should have carried it on your head.

J. – That's just what Auntie Jumblewig said when she saw me start.

M. – Of course she did! and then?

J. – I went to see Cousin Peter.

M. – Cousin Peter! And what did the good man say to you?

J. – Not much; but he gave me a calf.

M. – A calf! How generous! Where is the calf then?

J. – I tried to carry it on my head, but he kicked my face, so I let him go.

M. – Serve you right! How could you be so foolish as to carry a calf on your head? You should have taken him to the cow-house and settled him in a nice warm corner, with plenty of straw.

J. – That is just what Cousin Peter advised me to do.

M. – He was quite right. And then?

J. – I went to see Rose.

M. – I am glad you went there. Rose is a charming girl. Was she well disposed towards you?

J. – Very. Indeed, she came here with me.

M. – Where is she, then?

J. – I took her to the cow-house, and settled her in a nice, warm corner, with plenty of straw.

M. – In the cow-house! Rose! Wretched boy! You should have brought her into the best parlour, and asked her to marry you.

J. – That's just what she said.

M. – And she was quite right. Quick! Quick! Let us fetch her.

J. – I should like that very much.

M. – Come, then, at once! Oh, you foolish Jack!

(Exeunt.)

QUITE BY OURSELVES

CHARACTERS

MRS. VERNON.

JANET.

RALPH.

QUITE BY OURSELVES

Mrs. Vernon. – (Alone at writing table.) What a long time it is since the children have been into the room! It must be nearly five minutes! They don't seem to be having as many "good ideas" to-day as they generally do. So I may as well do my accounts. (Begins to add up.) Ah! there they come.

Enter Ralph and Janet, hurriedly

Janet. – Mammy! Mammy!

Ralph. – We have such a good idea.

Mother. – (I thought so!) What is it?

J. – We're going to surprise you very much.

M. – Are you? How delightful!

R. – We're going to invite you to a tea party of our very own!

J. – We are going to get it ready and arrange it quite by ourselves!

R. – Isn't that a lovely idea?

M. – It is, indeed.

J. – And the surprise is going to be that you are going to receive an invitation from us, just like the real invitations you get from your friends.

M. – I see!

R. – But the thing that will surprise you most will be that we are going to do it ourselves, won't it?

M. – (Smiling.) Yes, I must say that will be the most surprising thing of all.

R. – Then, first, here's the invitation.

M. – Oh, this is most exciting. (Reads.) "Ralph and Janet request the pleasure of your company at their very own tea-party on Wednesday afternoon."

R. – Isn't that a surprise for you, Mammy?

M. – It is, indeed, most astonishing. Now I must answer this, I suppose?

J. – Of course you must, just as if you were writing to strangers, you must end it "your loving Mrs. Vernon," or something stiff of that sort.

R. – Of course you mustn't put "your affectionate Mother," as you do when you really write to us, you know.

M. – Not for worlds! Now, then, I had better write the letter, and then do my accounts, while you get the tea ready.

R. – Oh, yes, that will be delightful.

(Goes to writing-table. Ralph and Janet discuss in a low voice, looking round them helplessly.)

R. – (Aside to Janet.) We had better ask Mammy, I think.

J. – Much better.

R. – (Aloud.) Mammy, there is just one thing we want to ask you.

M. – Yes? What is it?

J. – Where do you think we had better have tea?

M. – Wherever you like. What do you say to the dining-room?

R. – The dining-room is so common.

M. – You may have it in here if you like.

J. – Oh, that would be the very thing!

R. – What table shall we have it on?

M. – (Looking round.) Let me see – would that one do?

R. – Oh, beautifully. Thank you so much, Mammy.

(They pull out the table and open it, while the mother writes.)

J. – Now, what next?

R. – The cloth, of course.

J. – I wonder where we can get one.

R. – Mammy!

M. – Well?

R. – What about a table-cloth?

M. – Hadn't you better ask Susan for one of the dining-room ones?

R. – Susan is always cross when we ask her for that kind of thing, she seems to think we make jam and cocoa stains on the table-cloths.

M. – Dear me, I wonder what can make her think that?

R. – I think it must be because Janet always spills the jam at breakfast.

J. – You needn't talk, for once you dropped a whole cutlet on to your knicker-bockers.

R. – But as we are not going to have cutlets, you needn't talk about it now.

M. – I don't think people ought to quarrel when they're giving a tea-party.

R. – No, we'll quarrel after tea, we're too busy now.

J. – Much!

R. – Well, what about the table-cloth, then?

M. – If you don't want to ask Susan I might lend you that embroidered five o'clock tea-cloth which I bought at the bazaar the other day.

R. – Oh, that would be the very thing! May we have it?

M. – Yes, if you like, it is in that drawer.

R. – Which drawer?

M. – The bottom one.

(Ralph opens the top one. Janet and he look in and look wonderingly at each other, and then shake their heads.)

R. – Mammy, we can't find it.

M. – Are you quite sure you are looking in the right drawer?

R. – Quite. You said the top drawer, didn't you?

M. – No. I said the bottom drawer.

R. – Oh, I thought you said the top drawer. (They look in. To Janet.) I wonder where it can be! (After a moment.) Mammy, I am so very sorry – we can't find it.

M. – (Gets up.) How very odd. I saw it there yesterday. Why, there it is just at the top, you little noodles!

R. – Oh, so it is, I hadn't seen it.

J. – Nor had I.

R. – Thank you so much, Mammy. (She goes back to her writing. To Janet.) Now, we must have our own cups and saucers out of the toy cupboard.

(They open the toy cupboard, and they both sit down on the ground. Janet takes out a trumpet and Ralph a drum. They blow the trumpet and beat the drum.)

M. – (Looking round.) My dear children, is that how you are laying the table?

R. – Oh, Mammy, I am so sorry! I forgot we were getting out our cups and saucers. (Ralph takes out cups and saucers and gives them to Janet.) Here they are, three cups and three saucers.

J. – Now I'm Susan!

(Janet arranges the cups and saucers close together at one side of the table.)

R. – You stupid girl, that is not how they ought to be arranged. Susan always put them quite apart from each other, and the tea-pot at one end of the table like this.

J. – Do let me have the tea-pot in front of me.

R. – Certainly not, it must be in front of me.

J. – Mammy, don't you think I ought to have the tea-pot in front of me? because I am a girl.

R. – No, I'll have it in front of me, because I am a boy.

M. – Suppose you put it in the middle of the table where you can both reach it. I shall sit at the side like a guest, and you can take turns.

R. – That will be delightful. We will put the tea-pot here, then.

J. – Where is the tea-pot?

R. – That's true, yes, we haven't got one of our own. Mammy, what tea-pot are we to have?

M. – Won't you have the one we always have at tea?

R. – No, it's too common. It won't seem like our own tea-party, then.

J. – I suppose we mightn't have one of the beautiful little tea-pots out of the china cupboard, just for once?

M. – Just for once, you may, if you take care of it.

(Ralph goes out L. Then comes back.)

R. – I am afraid I am not tall enough to reach the cupboard.

J. – You don't think, I suppose, you could come into the next room and get it for us?

M. – (Getting up.) I daresay I might.