The Tatler (Vol 4)

Here I got room to interrupt: "Have youA mother, sir, or kindred living now?""Not one, they all are dead." "Troth, so I guessed;The happier they," said I, "who are at rest.Poor I am only left unmurdered yet:Haste, I beseech you, and despatch me quite,For I am well convinced my time is come;When I was young, a gipsy told my doom.'This lad,' said she, and looked upon my hand,'Shall not by sword or poison come to's end,Nor by the fever, dropsy, gout, or stone;But he shall die by an eternal tongue:Therefore, when he's grown up, if he be wise,Let him avoid great talkers, I advise.'"

No. 269. [Steele.

From Tuesday, Dec. 26, to Thursday, Dec. 28, 1710

-Hæ nugæ seria ducentIn mala. —Hor., Ars Poet. 451.From my own Apartment, Dec. 27

I find my correspondents are universally offended at me for taking notice so seldom of their letters, and fear people have taken the advantage of my silence to go on in their errors; for which reason I shall hereafter be more careful to answer all lawful questions and just complaints as soon as they come to my hands. The two following epistles relate to very great mischiefs in the most important articles of life, love, and friendship:

Dorsetshire, Dec. 20.

"Mr. Bickerstaff,

"'Tis my misfortune to be enamoured of a lady that is neither very beautiful, very witty, nor at all well-natured; but has the vanity to think she excels in all these qualifications, and therefore is cruel, insolent, and scornful. When I study to please her, she treats me with the utmost rudeness and ill manners: if I approach her person, she fights, she scratches me: if I offer a civil salute, she bites me; insomuch, that very lately, before a whole assembly of ladies and gentlemen, she ripped out a considerable part of my left cheek. This is no sooner done, but she begs my pardon in the most handsome and becoming terms imaginable, gives herself worse language than I could find in my heart to do, lets me embrace her to pacify her while she is railing at herself, protests she deserves the esteem of no one living, says I am too good to contradict her when she thus accuses herself. This atones for all, tempts me to renew my addresses, which are ever returned in the same obliging manner. Thus, without some speedy relief, I am in danger of losing my whole face. Notwithstanding all this, I dote upon her, and am satisfied she loves me, because she takes me for a man of sense, which I have been generally thought, except in this one instance. Your reflections upon this strange amour would be very useful in these parts, where we are overrun with wild beauties and romps. I earnestly beg your assistance, either to deliver me from the power of this unaccountable enchantment, or, by some proper animadversions, civilise the behaviour of this agreeable rustic. I am,

"Sir,"Your most humble Servant,"Ebenezer."278

"Mr. Bickerstaff,

"I now take leave to address you in your character of censor, and complain to you, that among the various errors in conversation which you have corrected, there is one which, though it has not escaped a general reproof, yet seems to deserve a more particular severity. 'Tis a humour of jesting on disagreeable subjects, and insisting on the jest the more it creates uneasiness; and this some men think they have a title to do as friends. Is the design of jesting to provoke? Or does friendship give a privilege to say things with a design to shock? How can that be called a jest which has nothing in it but bitterness? 'Tis generally allowed necessary, for the peace of company, that men should a little study the tempers of each other; but certainly that must be in order to shun what's offensive, not to make it a constant entertainment. The frequent repetition of what appears harsh, will unavoidably leave a rancour that's fatal to friendship; and I doubt much, whether it would be an argument of a man's good humour, if he should be roused, by perpetual teasing, to treat those that do it as his enemies. In a word, whereas 'tis a common practice to let a story die, merely because it does not touch, I think such as mention one they find does, are as troublesome to society, and as unfit for it, as wags, men of fire, good talkers, or any other apes in conversation; and therefore, for the public benefit, I hope you'll cause them to be branded with such a name as they deserve. I am,

"Sir, yours,"Patient Friendly."

The case of Ebenezer is a very common one, and is always cured by neglect. These fantastical returns of affection proceed from a certain vanity in the other sex, supported by a perverted taste in ours. I must publish it as a rule, that no faults which proceed from the will, either in a mistress or a friend, are to be tolerated. But we should be so complaisant to ladies, to let them displease when they aim at doing it. Pluck up a spirit, Ebenezer, recover the use of your judgment, and her faults will appear, or her beauties vanish. "Her faults begin to please me as well as my own," is a sentence very prettily put into the mouth of a lover by the comic poet,279 but he never designed it for a maxim of life, but the picture of an imperfection. If Ebenezer takes my advice, the same temper which made her insolent to his love, will make her submissive to his indifference.

I cannot wholly ascribe the faults mentioned in the second letter to the same vanity or pride in companions who secretly triumph over their friends, in being sharp upon them in things where they are most tender. But when this sort of behaviour does not proceed from that source, it does from barrenness of invention, and an inability to support a conversation in a way less offensive. It is the same poverty which makes men speak or write smuttily, that forces them to talk vexingly. As obscene language is an address to the lewd for applause, so are sharp allusions an appeal to the ill-natured. But mean and illiterate is that conversation where one man exercises his wit to make another exercise his patience.

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Whereas Plagius has been told again and again, both in public and private, that he preaches excellently well, and still goes on to preach as well as ever, and all this to a polite and learned audience; this is to desire, that he would not hereafter be so eloquent, except to a country congregation, the proprietors of Tillotson's works having consulted the learned in the law, whether preaching a sermon they have purchased, is not to be construed publishing their copy.

Mr. Dogood is desired to consider, that his story is severe upon a weakness, and not a folly.

No. 270. [Steele.

From Thursday, Dec. 28, to Saturday, Dec. 30, 1710

Cum pulchris tunicis sumet nova consilia et spes.

Hor., 1 Ep. xviii. 33.From my own Apartment, Dec. 29

According to my late resolution, I take the holidays to be no improper season to entertain the town with the addresses of my correspondents. In my walks every day there appear all round me very great offenders in the point of dress. An armed tailor had the impudence yesterday in the park to smile in my face, and pull off a laced hat to me, as it were in contempt of my authority and censure. However, it is a very great satisfaction, that other people as well as myself are offended with these improprieties. The following notices from persons of different sexes and qualities are a sufficient instance how useful my Lucubrations are to the public.

"Jack's Coffee-house, nearGuildhall, Dec. 27.

"Cousin Bickerstaff,

"It has been the peculiar blessing of our family to be always above the smiles or frowns of fortune, and by a certain greatness of mind to restrain all irregular fondnesses or passions. From hence it is, that though a long decay, and a numerous descent, have obliged many of our house to fall into the arts of trade and business, no one person of us has ever made an appearance that betrayed our being unsatisfied with our own station of life, or has ever affected a mien or gesture unsuitable to it.

"You have up and down in your writings very justly remarked, that it is not this or the other profession or quality among men that gives us honour and esteem, but the well or ill behaving ourselves in those characters. It is therefore with no small concern, that I behold in coffee houses and public places my brethren, the tradesmen of this city, put off the smooth, even, and ancient decorum of thriving citizens, for a fantastical dress and figure, improper for their persons and characters, to the utter destruction of that order and distinction which of right ought to be between St. James's and Milk Street, the Camp and Cheapside.

"I have given myself some time to find out, how distinguishing the frays in a lot of muslins, or drawing up a regiment of thread laces, or making a panegyric on pieces of sagathy280 or Scotch plaid, should entitle a man to a laced hat or sword, a wig tied up with ribbons, or an embroidered coat. The College281 say, this enormity proceeds from a sort of delirium in the brain, which makes it break out first about the head, and, for want of timely remedies, fall upon the left thigh, and from thence in little mazes and windings run over the whole body, as appears by pretty ornaments on the buttons, button-holes, garterings, sides of the breeches, and the like. I beg the favour of you to give us a discourse wholly upon the subject of habits, which will contribute to the better government of conversation amongst us and in particular oblige,

"Sir,"Your affectionate Cousin,"Felix Tranquillus.""To Isaac Bickerstaff, Esq., Censor of Great Britain"The humble Petition of Ralph Nab, haberdasher of hats and many other poor sufferers of the same trade:

"Showeth – That for some years last past the use of gold and silver galloon282 upon hats has been almost universal, being undistinguishably worn by soldiers, squires, lords, footmen, beaus, sportsmen, traders, clerks, prigs, smarts, cullies, pretty fellows, and sharpers.

"That the said use and custom has been two ways very prejudicial to your petitioners: first, in that it has induced men, to the great damage of your petitioners, to wear their hats upon their heads, by which means the said hats last much longer whole than they would do if worn under their arms. Secondly, in that very often a new dressing and a new lace supply the place of a new hat, which grievance we are chiefly sensible of in the spring-time, when the company is leaving the town; it so happening commonly, that a hat shall frequent all winter the finest and best assemblies without any ornaments at all, and in May shall be tricked up with gold or silver to keep company with rustics, and ride in the rain.

"All which premises your petitioners humbly pray you to take into your consideration, and either to appoint a day in your Court of Honour, when all pretenders to the galloon may enter their claims, and have them approved or rejected, or to give us such other relief as to your great wisdom shall seem meet.

"And your petitioners, &c."

Order my friend near Temple Bar, the author of the "Hunting-Cock," to assist the court when this petition is read, of which Mr. Lillie to give him notice.

"To Isaac Bickerstaff, Esq., Censor of Great Britain"The humble Petition of Elizabeth Slender, spinster:

"Showeth – That on the 20th of this instant December, her friend Rebecca Hive and your petitioner walking in the Strand, saw a gentleman before us in a gown, whose periwig was so long and so much powdered, that your petitioner took notice of it, and said, she wondered that lawyer would so spoil a new gown with powder. To which it was answered, that he was no lawyer but a clergyman. Upon a wager of a pot of coffee we overtook him, and your petitioner was soon convinced she had lost.

"Your petitioner therefore desires your worship to cite the clergyman before you, and to settle and adjust the length of canonical periwigs, and the quantity of powder to be made use of in them, and to give such other directions as you shall think fit.283

"And your petitioner, &c."

Q. Whether this gentleman be not chaplain to a regiment, and in such case allow powder accordingly?

After all that can be thought on these subjects, I must confess, that the men who dress with a certain ambition to appear more than they are, are much more excusable than those who betray, in the adorning their persons, a secret vanity and inclination to shine in things, wherein if they did succeed, it would rather lessen than advance their character. For this reason, I am more provoked at the allegations relating to the clergyman, than any other hinted at in these complaints. I have indeed a long time with much concern observed abundance of pretty fellows in sacred orders, and shall in due time let them know, that I pretend to give ecclesiastical as well as civil censures. A man well bred and well dressed in that habit, adds to the sacredness of his function an agreeableness not to be met with among the laity. I own I have spent some evenings among the men of wit of that profession with an inexpressible delight. Their habitual care of their character gives such a chastisement to their fancy, that all which they utter in company is as much above what you meet with in other conversations, as the charms of a modest are superior to those of a light woman. I therefore earnestly desire our young missionaries from the Universities to consider where they are, and not dress, and look, and move like young officers. It is no disadvantage to have a very handsome white hand; but were I to preach repentance to a gallery of ladies, I would, methinks, keep my gloves on. I have an unfeigned affection to the class of mankind appointed to serve at the altar, therefore am in danger of running out of my way, and growing too serious on this occasion; for which reason I shall end with the following epistle, which, by my interest in Tom Trot the penny-post, I procured a copy of.

"To the Rev. Mr. Ralph Incense, Chaplain to the Countess-Dowager of Brumpton

"Sir,

"I heard and saw you preach last Sunday. I am an ignorant young woman, and understood not half you said: but ah! your manner, when you held up both your hands toward our pew! Did you design to win me to heaven, or yourself?

"Your humble Servant,"Penitence Gentle."Advertisements

Mr. Proctorstaff, of Clare Hall, in Cambridge, is received as a kinsman, according to his request bearing date the 20th instant.

The distressed son of Æsculapius is desired to be more particular.

No. 271. [Steele. 284

From Saturday, Dec. 30, 1710, to Tuesday, Jan. 2, 1710-1

The printer having informed me, that there are as many of these papers printed as will make four volumes, I am now come to the end of my ambition in this matter, and have nothing further to say to the world, under the character of Isaac Bickerstaff. This work has indeed for some time been disagreeable to me, and the purpose of it wholly lost by my being so long understood as the author. I never designed in it to give any man any secret wound by my concealment, but spoke in the character of an old man, a philosopher, a humourist, an astrologer, and a censor, to allure my reader with the variety of my subjects, and insinuate, if I could, the weight of reason with the agreeableness of wit. The general purpose of the whole has been to recommend truth, innocence, honour, and virtue, as the chief ornaments of life; but I considered, that severity of manners was absolutely necessary to him who would censure others, and for that reason, and that only, chose to talk in a mask. I shall not carry my humility so far as to call myself a vicious man; but at the same time must confess, my life is at best but pardonable. And with no greater character than this, a man would make but an indifferent progress in attacking prevailing and fashionable vices, which Mr. Bickerstaff has done with a freedom of spirit that would have lost both its beauty and efficacy, had it been pretended to by Mr. Steele.

As to the work itself, the acceptance it has met with is the best proof of its value; but I should err against that candour which an honest man should always carry about him, if I did not own, that the most approved pieces in it were written by others, and those which have been most excepted against by myself. The hand285 that has assisted me in those noble discourses upon the immortality of the soul, the glorious prospects of another life, and the most sublime ideas of religion and virtue, is a person who is too fondly my friend ever to own them; but I should little deserve to be his, if I usurped the glory of them. I must acknowledge at the same time, that I think the finest strokes of wit and humour in all Mr. Bickerstaff's Lucubrations are those for which he is also beholden to him.

As for the satirical parts of these writings, those against the gentlemen who profess gaming286 are the most licentious; but the main of them I take to come from losing gamesters, as invectives against the fortunate; for in very many of them, I was very little else but the transcriber. If any have been more particularly marked at, such persons may impute it to their own behaviour (before they were touched upon) in publicly speaking their resentment against the author, and professing they would support any man who should insult him. When I mention this subject, I hope Major-General Davenport,287 Brigadier Bisset,288 and my Lord Forbes,289 will accept of my thanks for their frequent good offices,290 in professing their readiness to partake any danger that should befall me in so just an undertaking, as the endeavour to banish fraud and cozenage from the presence and conversation of gentlemen.

But what I find is the least excusable part of all this work is, that I have, in some places in it, touched upon matters which concern both the Church and State. All I shall say for this is, that the points I alluded to are such as concerned every Christian and freeholder in England; and I could not be cold enough to conceal my opinion on subjects which related to either of those characters. But politics apart, I must confess, it has been a most exquisite pleasure to me to frame characters of domestic life, and put those parts of it which are least observed into an agreeable view; to inquire into the seeds of vanity and affectation, to lay before my readers the emptiness of ambition: in a word, to trace human life through all its mazes and recesses, and show much shorter methods than men ordinarily practise, to be happy, agreeable, and great.

But to inquire into men's faults and weaknesses has something in it so unwelcome, that I have often seen people in pain to act before me, whose modesty only make them think themselves liable to censure. This, and a thousand other nameless things, have made it an irksome task to me to personate Mr. Bickerstaff any longer; and I believe it does not often happen, that the reader is delighted where the author is displeased.

All I can now do for the further gratification of the town, is to give them a faithful index and explication of passages and allusions, and sometimes of persons intended in the several scattered parts of the work. At the same time, the succeeding volumes shall discover which of the whole have been written by me, and which by others, and by whom, as far as I am able, or permitted.291

Thus I have voluntarily done what I think all authors should do when called upon. I have published my name to my writings, and given myself up to the mercy of the town (as Shakespeare expresses it) with all my imperfections on my head.292 The indulgent readers'

Most obliged,Most obedient,Humble Servant,Richard Steele.

APPENDIX

ADVERTISEMENTS FROM THE ORIGINAL NUMBERS OF THE "TATLER"

The most volatile Smelling-Bottle in the World; which smelled to, momentarily fetches the most dismal faintings, or swooning fits, and in a minute removes flushings, vapours, dulness, headache, megrims, &c. It takes off all heavy sleepiness, retards swoonings, keeps up the spirits to a miracle; and by its use admits of no faintings, but invigorates and enlivens the whole man, recreates and makes cheerful although never so sad, and in a moment raises all the sensitive faculties. It's also to be taken inwardly by drops, which effectually takes off and eradicates the very cause; for it potently relieves, comforts and strengthens the brain, creates and corroborates a stomach, removes sickness from it, helps digestion, cleanses the blood; and in a word, is the greatest cephalic, stomatic, hepatic, and powerful aromatic possible; therefore is extreme necessary for all Gentlemen, Ladies, &c., always to be carried in their pockets. Is only sold at Mr. King's, Picture-shop, in the Poultry, and at Mr. Overton's, at the Golden Buck, Picture-shop, against St. Dunstan's Church in Fleet Street, at 2s. and 6d. each, with printed directions. (No. 47.)

This is to certify that I, Anne Gimball, daughter of Ezekiel Gimball, in Christ Church parish in Southwark, was blind of cataracts from my birth, and continued so till I was sixteen years of age, when I applied myself to Sir William Read, Her Majesty's Oculist, in Durham Yard in the Strand, London; who couched, and brought me to sight of both my eyes in less than two minutes, and have now so perfect a sight, that I am capable of any business; as is attested for the benefit of the Public, this 4th of Nov. 1709.

Anne Gimball. Witness, Ezekiel Gimball. (No. 92.)

Just Published, an exact narrative of many surprising matters of fact, uncontestably wrought by an evil spirit or spirits, in the house of Master Jan Smagge, farmer, in Canvy Island, near Leigh in Essex, upon the 10th, 13th, 14th, 15th, and 16th of September last, in the day time; in the presence of the Rev. Mr. Lord, curate to the said island, Jan Smagge, master of the house, and of several neighbours, servants, and strangers, who came at different times, as Mr. Lord's particular care to discharge his duty, and their curiosity, led them to this place of the wonders. Together with a short account of some of the extraordinary things credibly said to have formerly disturbed the house, both before and since Mr. Smagge came into it. The utmost caution being used not to exceed the truth in the minutest circumstance. In a letter from Malden in Essex, to a gentleman in London. Printed and sold by John Morphew, 1709, pr. 2d. (No. 95.)

The Queen's Bagnio, in Long Acre, is made very convenient for both sexes to sweat and bathe, privately every day, and to be cupped in the best perfection, there being the best and newest instrument for that purpose, pr. 5s. for one single person; but if 2 or more come together, 4s. each. There is no entertainment for women after 12 o'clock at night. But all gentlemen who desire beds may have them for 2s. per night. – Henry Ayme.

If any persons desire to be cupped at their own houses, he will wait on them himself… The way of cupping is the very same as was used by the late Mr. Verdier deceased. (No. 95.)

Perfect cure for the Asthma by an Elixir (a pleasant and innocent medicine) to be taken in drops, which has done wonders in that case; but the author's saying so being not so convincing as trying it will be, he desires you would for your own sakes, when, if it does no good, can do no harm to the body, nor much to the purse in laying out 3s. 6d. which is the price of a bottle. To be had only at Mr. Lawrence's, a Toyshop at the Griffin, the corner of Bucklersbury, Poultry. (No. 98.)

The Perpetual Office of the Charitable Society of single persons in city or country, for raising and assuring money upon marriages; when they pay but sixpence entrance, and two shillings per quarter, till they marry; and whensoever that is, they are secured to receive all their money back, and 150 per cent. clear profit certain, whether full or not, and stand very fair to gain £40 or £50 when full, and may get 1, 2, 3, or £400. The entries daily increase, and the shares of the new married are risen from 48s. to above £7 since the last month. The sooner you enter, the more you are like to gain; all which doth more fully appear from the proposals, given gratis, at the said office, at London Stone, in Cannon Street. (No. 102.)

Any gentleman that wants a man for shooting, hunting, setting, or any manner of game, may hear of one well qualified at the Printing Press in Little Britain. He is a good scholar, and shaves well. (No. 116.)

Mr. Vickers, the clergyman, who cures the King's Evil, liveth in Sherburne Lane, near Lombard Street, who hath cured great numbers of people grievously afflicted therewith (as himself formerly was) in their eyes and joints. See the printed account of his specific Remedy… 3rd edition. (No. 155.)