Married Life

Mrs. Dis. For the last time we called there the poor woman thought proper to be jealous of me.

Dis. There was only that wanting to prove her madness.

Mrs. Dis. But she has a cause for her jealousy.

Dis. Certainly, when you are present.

Mrs. Dis. Didn’t we see him, yesterday, following a young person past our house?

Dis. What of that? ’tis a natural impulse to which our sex are peculiarly subject.

Mrs. Cod. Except Mr. Coddle – were Venus herself to rise from the sea before him, he’d take to his heels for fear of catching cold from the foam.

Mrs. Dis. Tell Mr. Coddle the strange result of our inquiries, respecting Mr. Lynx’s conduct.

Dis. Pooh! tell him yourself.

Mrs. Dis. The young person that we saw Mr. Lynx following, and striving to speak to, was joined by an elderly lady in black.

Cod. Eh! an elderly lady in black – ’twas she, he told me she was in black. – (aside.)

Mrs. Dis. Of a very masculine appearance – Mr. Lynx seemed to enter into earnest conversation with her; when they parted, the two ladies entered a boarding-house, next door to us; our servant, gossiping with the footman, there ascertained that the elderly lady in black —

Cod. Well —

Mrs. Dis. Had just arrived from Antigua —

Mrs. Cod. Where your property is situated. – (To CODDLE.)

Mrs. Dis. That she had taken lodgings there for a short time, her object being to discover her husband, who had left her in the West Indies, and whose name, strange to say, was —

Cod. (Who has started up during MRS. D’s narrative, and is regarding her with intense curiosity, now falls back into his chair.) – Oh!

Mrs. Cod. What’s the matter? – what’s the matter?

Dis. He’s fainted —

Mrs. Dis. Here, here are my salts.

Dis. Open the windows – open the windows.

Mrs. Cod. No, no, you will kill him if you do. – (DISMAL makes to the windows, but is checked by MRS. CODDLE; CODDLE, on hearing that the windows are to be opened, is about to start from his chair, but checks himself and resumes his position.)

Mrs. Dis. Get him some water – ring the bell.

Mrs. Cod. Stay stay, I’ll go myself. – (MRS. CODDLE runs off R. H. F. E. CODDLE suddenly starts up between MR. and MRS. DISMAL, and takes a hand of each.)

Cod. As you love me – if you do not wish to see me lifeless at your feet, breathe not a syllable relative to the elderly lady in black – mention not her name.

Dis. ’Twas your own —

Cod. I know it, I know it – ’tis a terrible secret; a story of horror and despair; when we are alone, you shall know all – but not a word now. I beg – I implore – I pray – ah, my wife! – (He falls back again into his chair.)

Re-enter MRS. CODDLE, with a glass of water

Mrs. Dis. He’s better now.

Dis. Much better.

Cod. (Affecting to revive.) – Considerably better.

Mrs. Cod. I don’t wonder at your fainting, my only surprize is that you can breathe at all, in such an atmosphere; there’s not a breath of air permitted to enter the room. Phew! I’m stifled; excuse me a moment, my friends, I wish to speak to Coddle alone. – (DISMAL and his wife are going.) – No, no – don’t leave the room.

Cod. (Aside.) – What can she be going to say?

Mrs. Cod. Samuel!

Cod. My love!

Mrs. Cod. Surely your agitation, and your sudden faintness cannot arise from any apprehension?

Cod. Of what?

Mrs. Cod. That this elderly lady, in black, is —

Cod. No, no, no – oh, dear! no, no.

Mrs. Cod. You anticipate me – not what?

Cod. Not – I don’t know? what were you going to say?

Mrs. Cod. I have very strange and very terrible suspicions! ’tis surely no poor creature that you, in the hey-day of your youth —

Cod. No, no, no – my dear! How can you think – how can you dream of such a thing? I never had any hey-day – never; don’t think that of me. Come, come – let us go to Lynx’s to dinner. Get ready, dear; get ready.

Mrs. Cod. I strongly suspect you. – (MRS. CODDLE goes up the stage, and throws a shawl on her shoulders.)

Cod. What will become of me? If I escape the imputation of bigamy, the subject of that girl will be sufficient to bring my wife’s vengeance on my head; I’ll run and drown myself in a warm bath. I’ll – no, no – I must rouse, I must rouse; I must summon all my courage – all my fortitude – and bring out what little of the devil I have left in me.

Mrs. Cod. Now, Coddle, I’m quite ready.

Cod. So am I. – (Putting on his hat.) – Come along, I shall be very gay to-day; you will wonder what possesses me. I shall be so gay; come Mrs. Dismal, take my arm, my dear; ’tis bad taste to walk with one’s wife. D., look to Mrs. Coddle!

Mrs. Cod. The man’s mad —

Dis. Raving.

Cod. You shall see me to advantage, to-day; I feel a new man; you may open all the doors and windows in the house. I’ll do any thing desperate, to-day – walk to Lynx’s, without my coat, hat, any thing – come, my love. – Come Dismal. – Fol de rol, de rol lol. – (CODDLE dances off with MRS. DISMAL, L. H.)

Mrs. Cod. Mad!

Dismal. Gone, quite gone.

[Exeunt following.

SCENE II

A Room at LYNX’S Enter MRS. LYNX, R. H

Mrs. Lynx. The time has almost arrived that will either relieve me from the dreadful suspense that I now endure, or plunge me still deeper into misery; since yesterday I have scarcely uttered a word in his presence; I have religiously adhered to the resolution that I would not touch upon a subject that has so filled me with conflicting emotions; but to-day, in an hour, I shall know the worst; and if he be the guilty one, that I am madly certain he is, his friends and the world shall know how I have been wronged, and for what purpose I have assembled them here. – (Produces a letter.) – Were it not for tokens like these, I should almost think that I had ceased to charm – had ceased to be looked upon even with interest, by the meanest of earth’s creatures; here is one that tells me he loves me; my husband once told me so, but then I was younger and had a free heart to give; that now, alas, is gone for ever; here is one who offers me wealth – splendour and affection – if I will forsake a husband that slights me – that torments and maddens me – what shall I do? I have now the means of revenge – of a full and bold revenge. Shall I use them but to awe my husband, or shall I listen, and so make him rue the day that he first roused my jealousy? But he may not be guilty – this girl may have no claim on him – beyond one of compassion or kindness. I may have suspected wrongly, and he may still have a lingering love for me, that may one day revive in all its early strength; and then were I to know him innocent – and myself the only guilty one, I should go mad – should die – should – oh, heaven help me. – (She falls exhausted by her feelings, in a chair; MR. and MRS. DOVE heard, L. H.)

Mrs. Dove. Now, my dear Henry, mind your behaviour.

Mrs. Ly. Ah! those people have arrived; my husband has neither seen them, nor heard of their having been here. I shall watch him well when they first meet.

Enter MR. and MRS. DOVE, L. H

Mrs. Dove. Good day to you, Madam – I hope you find yourself in perfect health?

Dove. (Bowing.) – Good day, Madam, feel yourself pretty well?

Mrs. Dove. Henry, my dear, silence.

Mrs. Ly. I am obliged to you for being so faithful to your promise.

Mrs. Dove. ’Tis the height of ill-manners to disappoint one’s friends in an invite to dinner.

Dove. And very stupid too – to refuse wittles.

Mrs. Dove. Henry, my dear —

Dove. My darling, you never will let me talk.

Mrs. Dove. Not till you know how, my love.

Dove. But my dear, if you don’t let me practise, how am I ever to enquire the art?

Mrs. Dove. Acquire, verb active, to gain; inquire, verb neuter, to ask questions – acquire the art.

Dove. Acquire the hart!

Mrs. Dove. Don’t aspirate, love.

Dove. Oh, bother, dear.

Mrs. Ly. Let me beg of you not to allude to this young person till after dinner, I will then lead the conversation to that subject – and then I hope you will freely and truly state all that you may know respecting her.

Enter LYNX, R. H

Lynx. Emmeline, I – (Seeing DOVE and his wife.) – What! the mystery is now clear – that woman has traced me – has told my wife, but my secret is safe.

Mrs. Dove. Ah, Mr. Lynx, how d’ye do? – surprised to see me here, no doubt?

Lynx. No, madam – no.

Mrs. Dove. ’Tis some time since we met.

Lynx. Almost a year, I think.

Dove. Eleven months! I ought to know, because we warn’t united when Mr. Lynx used to give me half a crown for —

Mrs. Dove. Henry —

Mrs. Ly. I was informed that you knew these good people? – (To LYNX.)

Lynx. Oh yes, my dear – they are my very old friends.

Mrs. Ly. Then I am happy in being the cause of renewing a friendship that seems so warm on either side; come, Mr. Dove, lead me to the dining-room – our friends have arrived, no doubt. Mr. Dove, will you favour me with your arm?

Dove. Eh! – (Looking confused at his wife.) – What am I to do?

Mrs. Dove. Give Mrs. Lynx your arm.

Mrs. Ly. Lionel, will you bring Mrs. Dove?

Lynx. (Offering his arm to MRS. DOVE.) – Certainly.

Dove. (Leading off MRS. LYNX, L. H.) – Well, I declare, this is genteel life.

Mrs. Dove. Thank you, Sir, you are very kind. – (LYNX leads off MRS. DOVE, L. H., CODDLE looks on R. H., quite pale.)

Cod. I have been running all over the house to look for Lynx, – I thought I heard his voice here – how I tremble! he must know that Mr. and Mrs. Dismal have seen that wretched woman – though they have promised secrecy, yet I cannot expect they will be always silent. – (Re-enter LYNX.) – Oh, my friend! I have been looking for you – they are all at dinner, but I can’t eat in the state of mind I am in. Mr. and Mrs. Dismal saw you talking to her.

Lynx. To whom?

Cod. The elderly lady in black.

Lynx. They did.

Cod. Don’t – don’t look so astonished, you frighten me.

Lynx. They surely will not talk of it?

Cod. They have promised to be secret, but what will be my feelings, in their presence! – when either of them speak, I shall die with apprehension.

Lynx. Leave it to me; we will see this woman to-morrow, and make some arrangement with her.

Cod. I’ll say any thing – do any thing – give any thing, only conceal the affair from my wife.

Lynx. Depend upon me – and be at peace. But be sure you do not equivocate in the question of this girl. The school-mistress with whom she lived is now here – at my very table. Remember! I, at your request, placed the girl under her care.

Cod. Yes.

Lynx. Because you did not dare confess to your wife that you had incurred such a responsibility, – but now you are anxious to acknowledge her.

Cod. What will Mary say?

Lynx. Remember, you have sworn it.

Cod. I have, but tell me – who is this girl?

Lynx. That is a mystery that I dare not disclose, even to you.

Cod. Bless me! what two reprobates we are.

Lynx. Come to the drawing-room, I must make some excuse for your leaving the table. – Now be bold.

Cod. Yes, yes.

Lynx. Do not equivocate.

Cod. No, no.

Lynx. On your moral courage depends your own safety, and my happiness.

Cod. I know it, I know it.

Lynx. And the least appearance of timidity may ruin us; now, are you ready?

Cod. Wait a moment. – (Buttoning his coat up to his throat with great resolution.) – When I expect to be excited, I like to be guarded against taking cold – against the effects of draughts and currents of air. My courage is rising – it’s up – now I’m ready – give me your arm – there, look at me! Did you ever see a finer illustration of desperate courage? Never. – Now to the field of action – to mortal strife – and death or victory.

Exit, dragging off LYNX, L. H.

SCENE III

A Drawing Room; in the centre a large loo-table, on which is set out a complete dessert; all the party are discovered; CODDLE occupies the R. H. corner, in an easy-chair; MRS. LYNX is seated beside him; next to her is MR. YOUNGHUSBAND and MR. DISMAL; MRS. DOVE and MR. LYNX sit together, MRS. DISMAL next to him, then MRS. CODDLE, and MRS. YOUNGHUSBAND; MR. DOVE occupies the L. H. corner.

All, (but CODDLE and LYNX). – Astonishing! to keep the matter a secret so long. Strange! strange!

Lynx. Now, let us drop the subject. Mrs. Coddle, I trust that you will not respect or love your husband the less, for this late disclosure?

Mrs. Cod. Oh! no, no; I merely feel hurt that he should have thought it necessary to have concealed the circumstance. Had I been a violent, jealous, bad-tempered woman, there might have been some cause for secresy; but as every body knows what a kind, indulgent creature I really am, he might have made me his confidant! and the poor girl should have been brought home. Where is she now?

Lynx. Quite safe, depend upon it; I will explain all at another opportunity.

Mrs. Ly. (Aside.) – Falsehood, all falsehood! I’m convinced.

Lynx. (To his wife.) – Now, my dear, I trust you are perfectly satisfied; and in this instance, I hope, you will confess that you were in error.

Mrs. Ly. Certainly, as I have no opposing evidence to the veracity of your story; though, still, I think it very – very strange, that you should have so troubled yourself on Mr. Coddle’s account, if ’twere a mere act of friendship; the most famed heroes of antiquity have never been surpassed.

Coddle. Ha! ha! now I feel happy; now my mind is at ease, and I’ll be comfortable. How that Mrs. Dismal fixes her eyes on me! Now fill your glasses; Mr. Dove, take care of your lady.

Dove. Yes, yes! – (A knock and ring heard.)

Lynx. Some arrival. – (DOVEjumps up and runs off, L. H.)

Mrs. Dove. (Starting up.) – Henry, come back. I declare the man has gone to the door. Henry!

DOVE re-enters

Dove. The door’s opened; there’s an individual —

Mrs. Dove. Sit down, my dear, sit down.

Dove. (Aside.) – I never shall get over answering the door, when a knock comes. – (Voices heard without, in altercation.)

A voice. You mistake; you do, indeed! – You mistake.

Cod. (Apprehensively.) – What is it?

Dove. An individual —

Mrs. Dove. Silence, Henry!

Mrs. Ly. (Rising.) – The servant is in altercation with some one at the door; who can it be?

Lynx. (Rising.) – Ring the bell.

Mrs. Ly. No, no – I’ll go myself.

[Exit L. H.

Cod. I have a horrid presentiment of evil; a moment since I was glowing like a furnace, with joy – and now I freeze again, with terror.

Mrs. Cod. What’s the matter, dear? do you feel cold?

Cod. Yes – yes, ugh! – (Shuddering.)

Mrs. Cod. And I’m dying for air.

Mrs. Young. So am I, Mrs. Coddle.

Young. I am sure you are not.

Mrs. Young. I am.

Dismal. Shall I open the folding doors?

Cod. No – no!

Dove. I feel very languishing.

Mrs. Dove. Henry! languid.

Dove. Languid! – how she does take me up before people. – (aside.)

Cod. Hush! here’s Mrs. Lynx.

MRS. LYNX re-enters, a letter in her hand. CODDLE regards her with anxiety. MRS. LYNX is trembling with agitation

Mrs. Lynx. It was – it was as I suspected, a black falsehood.

Lynx. What is the matter?

Cod. I shall fall flat on the floor, something is going to happen.

Mrs. Ly. (To LYNX.) – Restrain your curiosity, sir; you will know all in a moment, there is a lady below.

Cod. I thought so.

Mrs. Lynx. An elderly lady in black.

Cod. (Falling back in his chair, in utter despair.) – I’m a dead man.

Mrs. Ly. She tells me that her name is Coddle. —

Mrs. Cod. (Starting up.) – What!

Mrs. Ly. (Pointing to CODDLE.) – And that she is that man’s wife.

Cod. (Groaning.) – Oh! I wish I could vanish through the floor.

Mrs. Ly. This letter is for you, Madam.

Mrs. Cod. For me! – (She tears the letter open, a marriage certificate falls on the floor.) – What is this? – Oh, I can’t read it – I shall faint, I have no power to read, pray take it – some one, Mr. – any body – pray read it. – (She holds out the letter, DOVE takes it.)

All, (but CODDLEand MRS. DOVE.) – Read it, Mr. Dove.

Dove. I – I can’t.

Mrs. Dove. Henry – how can you so expose yourself?

Dove. You read it, Ma’am. – (Giving it to MRS. YOUNGHUSBAND.)

Mrs. Young. Shall I read it, Mrs. Coddle?

Mrs. Cod. Yes, yes, aloud – aloud – let the whole world hear it.

Mrs. Y. Reading – “Madam, the writer of this is an injured woman – the monster —

Cod. That’s me – oh —

Mrs. Y. “The monster to whom you are married, has another wife. I am that person; the enclosed is a copy of my marriage certificate – ’tis dated twenty years back; my object in coming to England is to claim a maintenance, and expose the villain.

“Your obedient Servant,“Belvidera Coddle.”

All. Bless me! dear, dear, dear! What a wretch – what a monster!

Mrs. Lynx. The poor woman had better be asked up.

Coddle. (Springing from his chair.) – No, no! I’d sooner face a thousand fiends than look once again on that dreadful being. My dear, my love! – (to his wife) – you don’t know what I have suffered – what I have endured through that woman! In the first place, I was decoyed – trapped; she left me – I once thought she was dead – but —

Mrs. Cod. (Rising with dignity.) – Silence Samuel! you have deceived me; I could have pardoned any thing but this. As to the subject of the poor girl, that you have stated belongs to you, that I freely forgave.

Mrs. Lynx. (Violently.) – ’Tis false, Mrs. Coddle! I asked the question of the bearer of that letter – I thought that she might be the parent of the girl – but, no, no; your husband has but supported mine in a falsehood; he never had a daughter. And you, sir, – (to LYNX) – are discovered and laid bare; but I shall leave you this day for ever.

All. Nay, nay.

Mrs. Cod. And I shall quit my wretch. – (She advances to CODDLE, who buries his face in his hands.) – From this moment, sir, we separate; go to your wife, the woman who lawfully claims you, and never look me in the face again. We were an ill-assorted pair from the first; but your affected apathy is now accounted for – it arose from an evil conscience. Cold-hearted, deliberate deceiver! farewell for ever! – (MRS. CODDLE rushes out, L. H.)

Coddle. Mary, come back; come back; hear me. – (He runs to the L., but suddenly stops.) – I dare not follow her; I shall meet the other. No, no; I must fly – I must leave the country – ’tis now no home for me.

Lynx. Sit still, my friend; be composed.

Coddle. I can’t – I’ll leave the house – I’ll – Ah, this door – (pointing R. H.) – leads to the canal; I’ll drown myself – I’m desperate enough – the sun has been on the water all day, so I’ve nothing to fear – I am resolved upon my course —felo-de-see, nothing else – adieu, my friends – I’m a discovered, a guilty monster – and this is the last time that you will ever see the distracted, wretched, Samuel Coddle. – (CODDLE rushes off, R. H.)

Mr. Young. (Starting up.) – The man will drown himself!

Mrs. Y. No, he wont – sit still; you will only make matters worse.

Dismal. Sit still all of you – I know him – when he comes in sight of water, his courage will cool; sit still.

Mrs. Dove. Shall my dear Dove follow him?

Dove. I can’t swim, duck!

Dismal. No, no; sit still.

Mrs. Ly. (Who has kept her eyes fixed on her husband throughout the scene.) – What, sir – not a word! quite confounded!

Lynx. Emmeline! – (rising) – appearances, I confess, are against me; but you know not all. You know not the cause which compels me to this course; be patient.

Mrs. Ly. I have been patient long enough, and will endure no more; this is the last moment that I pass under your roof.

Lynx. Are you mad? will you hear me?

Mrs. Ly. No, sir.

Lynx. If you once quit the house, we never meet again.

Mrs. Ly. That is my wish, sir.

Lynx. Be warned – if you leave me now – it must– it shall be for ever.

Mrs. Ly. It is, sir, for ever. – (Rushes out L. H. All the company rise.)

Lynx. Nay, nay, keep your seats, my friends – keep your seats. I will not have a soul stir a foot to expostulate with her; let her take her own course. I have been in error, I confess; but not to the extent that she supposes; her causeless jealousies – her unceasing suspicions have wearied me, and she is free to go – pray do not be disturbed on my account – make yourselves happy; I am sorry that our meeting should have ended thus – but my wife is to blame – she would not hear – would not listen to me, and now – (aside.) – I leave this house, never to return.

[Exit, R. H.

Dove. Now he’s gone – shall I follow him, love?

Mrs. Dove. No, no; sit still, dear.

Mrs. Y. Call him back! Mr. Lynx! – (calling.) – he’ll do himself a mischief – I know he will.

Young. He wont, sit still – if you follow and torment him as you do me, sometimes – you will, indeed, drive him to desperation.

Mrs. Y. I follow and torment you, sir?

Young. You do – often – often.

Mrs. Y. You’re an aggravating man, and —

Mrs. Dove. (Rising.) – Nay, nay; dear, dear; pray don’t get to words – my darling, Henry, hand that lady some wine; sit still, there’s a dear. – (to MRS. YOUNGHUSBAND) – Emulate Mr. Dove and me, we never utter a cross word to each other – do we, dear?

Dove. No, love. – (Handing wine to MRS. YOUNGHUSBAND.)

Mrs. Y. Take it away, sir, I don’t want wine. Oh, sir, you need not sit there looking so fierce; (to YOUNGHUSBAND) – I was certain we should have a disagreement before the day was out; you contradicted me about my silver thimble – you insisted that aunt Sarah gave it me.