Married Life

[Exit, R. H. F. E. Enter LYNX, L. H

Lynx. I have been rightly informed, my wife is here. Now that I have no further occasion for secresy, she shall know all; and if I can awake her to a sense of the mischiefs that will arise from a too watchful jealousy, I will henceforth pursue that line of conduct which must and shall ensure happiness. – (He is going R. H.) – What! who is that? – (looking off) – he speaks to my wife – she repulses him – he follows her. Villain! – (LYNX rushes off, R. H.)

CODDLE heard without, L. H

Cod. Come along, Dove, come along; my wife is here. Come, my best friend – my preserver.

Enter CODDLE, dragging DOVE; DOVE’S coat is torn, and striving in vain to release himself from the grasp of CODDLE

Cod. Huzza! Huzza! you’ve told the truth, Dove – you’ve told the truth – Belvidera has retreated and left me master of the field. Be grateful, you villain, be grateful. She would have torn your eyes out, murdered you, had it not been for me.

Dove. But Mr. Coddle, my coat is separating; let me go.

Cod. No, no, I must now introduce you to my wife. Where is she? Mrs. Coddle! – (calling) – Mrs. Coddle! they told me she was here; where are you, my dear, where are you? She can’t be in the house; then we’ll run all over London, but we’ll find her. Come, Dove, my friend, my preserver, come.

Dove. Oh, Mr. Coddle, let me go, let me go.

Cod. No, no, I’ll never part with my witness; come, you delightful fellow, come, you shall never leave me till I am restored to happiness. – (CODDLE, during the foregoing exclamations, has dragged DOVE round the stage, and goes off with him again, L. H.)

SCENE III

A Gallery in the Boarding House; in the flat are two practicable doors. LYNX heard within

Lynx. (Within.) – Villain! Villain! what do you here? – (a noise as of a struggle; a scream heard) – I am unarmed, or you should not leave this place alive; come, Emmeline, come with me.

Enter LYNX dragging out his wife, she is pale and agitated

Mrs. Ly. Ah Lionel – is it, is it you? Oh bless you, bless you. – (taking his hands – he places her in a chair) – I have brought this upon myself.

Lynx. But you are safe; and who has saved you?

Mrs. Ly. (Falling on his neck.) – My husband!

Lynx. Stay you here, I will follow him and have revenge.

Mrs. Ly. (Clinging to him.) – Nay, nay, I implore you stay near me – about me – leave me not again.

Lynx. But I have now a clue to him, which I will not forsake till his heart’s blood atones for my injuries.

Mrs. Ly. Do you know him, that you speak thus?

Lynx. I do, indeed.

Mrs. Ly. Who – and what is he?

Lynx. Who? listen, Emmeline; the deceiver of my sister, and the father of that girl, through whom we separated and thus meet again.

Mrs. Ly. The father!

Lynx. I dared not confess as much before. I was bound, sworn to secrecy by my sister; but her death now makes me free to tell you all.

Mrs. Ly. Forgive me – I – I am satisfied.

Lynx. You shall first know that you have good cause to be so; that villain in early life wronged my sister; she afterwards married; had her previous intimacy with this man been known, ruin, in the noble sphere in which she moved, must have awaited her; I kept her secret religiously, and as you know, at the expence of my own peace; I was as a father to the girl; and though she left the asylum in which I placed her, yet ’twas for an honourable and a happy marriage.

Mrs. Ly. No more, no more, dear Lionel; I have been a weak, and foolish woman, but never will I doubt you again.

Lynx. And never more, dear Emmeline will I give you cause; on the conduct of the husband chiefly rests the virtue of the wife, and I here renounce all my follies for ever. But for that villain —

Mrs. Ly. Nay, nay, be satisfied, be at peace; and let mutual confidence henceforth secure to us that happiness to which we have so long been strangers.

Lynx. It shall, Emmeline, it shall. – (They embrace.)

Enter MR. and MRS. YOUNGHUSBAND and MR. and MRS. DISMAL, arm in arm, and laughing; MRS. DOVE following

Mrs. Y. What! Mr. and Mrs. Lynx, and embracing too: then you have explained and made it up, as we have done. Well, this is delightful! Mr. and Mrs. Dismal are friends; I saw him watching his house; I rushed out – dragged him in. – Y., who was with him, followed; we pouted a little – coquetted a little – cried a little – and then rushed into one another’s arms; didn’t we, Frederick?

Young. No, I —

Mrs. Y. Hush! remember, dear; you have promised never to contradict me again.

Mrs. Dis. And my George has vowed to be as kind, and as attentive in future, as —

Dis. As I can.

Mrs. Y. There is poor Mrs. Dove in an agony about her Henry. She left Mrs. Coddle – came to us – was told that her husband was in this house – and he is still no where to be found.

Lynx. We heard both him and Mr. Coddle here not long since.

(DOVE, without.)

Dove. Martha!

Mrs. Dove. Ah! I hear his welcome voice.

Enter DOVE, his clothes torn to ribbands

Dove. Martha! are you here? Oh, look at me!

Mrs. Dove. Henry! look at me, and forgive me.

Dove. Forgive you, Martha! yes, that I will, after what I’ve suffered since our abduction. This is all Mr. Coddle’s doings; I was his witness, and he wouldn’t let me leave him, till I had seen aunt Hobbs and Mrs. Coddle, in his presence. We have seen ’em; aunt Hobbs is gone off again; and Mr. and Mrs. Coddle are coming here with all their differences re-united.

Mrs. Dove. Your aunt Hobbs!

Dove. Don’t ask questions now, dear; when we are alone I’ll liquidate every thing.

Mrs. Dove. Elucidate!

Dove. Now, you are going to begin again, love!

Mrs. Dove. No, Henry, I forgot myself; I never shall correct you more, dear.

Enter CODDLE, capering, dressed in a suit of Nankeen; MRS. CODDLE on his arm

Cod. Here we are! here we are! Belvidera has retreated in confusion; and the conquering hero, with his only lawful wife, stands before you in all the conscious pride of innocence, and a complete suit of Nankeen.

All. Nankeen!

Cod. Yes; no lining – no, Mrs. Coddle has heard all – and has forgiven all; she is now convinced how I was duped by my first wife; has had proof of her leaving me – of her plundering me – of her coming here merely to make a property of me, of the illegality of the marriage; and here we are united and happy again; and there stands my friend and preserver, of whom I shall ever think with gratitude. – (Pointing to DOVE.)

Dove. Then allow me to observe, while you were pillaging your wardrobe, your gratitude might have jogged your memory a little, respecting the condition of your preserver’s clothes; this is quite the result of your own exuberance.

Mrs. Dove. My dear Henry —

Cod. Hush, Mrs. Dove; allow your husband to select his own words at pleasure – yield a little to each other, ’tis the best and only way to secure domestic peace. I shall yield everything. Look at me; I that three days ago was all flannel and under-waistcoats, now intend to defy air, draughts, open-windows, corner-houses, everything; and I and Mrs. Coddle are going in search of the North Pole. Lynx, my boy, have you cleared up your mystery and satisfied your wife? that’s right, now let us forgive and forget; forget all but those qualities that first induced us to marry. Mrs. Sam, what did you have me for?

Mrs. Cod. Because I could discover, through all your eccentricities, a natural goodness of heart.

Cod. Then whenever you are inclined to be angry with me, always think of that, and I in return will ever remember the affection that first led me to seek you. Lynx, what did you marry for?

Lynx. I freely confess it was for love.

Cod. And you, Mrs. Lynx, married him from the same impulse?

Mrs. Ly. Yes, Sir.

Cod. And you, Mr. and Mrs. Younghusband, married —

Young. For the same reason, as our friends Mr. and Mrs. Lynx married.

Mrs. Y. For the same reason precisely.

Cod. And you, Mr. Dismal?

Dis. Because I was tired of living alone.

Cod. And Mrs. D. was weary of the same life, no doubt?

Mrs. Dis. I confess my weakness.

Cod. And you, Mr. and Mrs. Dove, married – because —

Mrs. Dove. Being a widow, and accustomed to a sharer in my joys and sorrows —

Dove. You took me into partnership, at my master’s dissolution.

Cod. Well, then, whenever a disagreement breaks out among you in future, recall the memory of those inducements which first led you to think of each other, and you will find it to be a wonderful help to the restoration of peace. Do you all agree to this?

All. Yes, yes.

Cod. Then follow my example, and ratify the agreement by a hearty conjugal embrace; I will give the word of command. Make ready! – (As CODDLE puts his arm round his wife’s waist, each of the husbands do the same to their wives.) – Present! – (CODDLE takes his wife’s chin between his fingers and thumb, and prepares to kiss her, all the husbands do the same.) – Fire! – (They all kiss and embrace at the same moment.)

Cod. There, this is the way that all matrimonial quarrels should end – and if you are of the same opinion – (to the audience) – then, indeed, will our conjugal joy be complete, and our light lesson not have been read in vain. You have seen the result of perpetual jealousy, in the case of Mr. and Mrs. Lynx; of continual disputes and contradiction in that of Mr. and Mrs. Younghusband; of a want of cheerfulness and attention in Mr. and Mrs. Dismal; of the impolicy of public correction in the instance of Mrs. Dove; and the necessity of assimilating habits and tempers in the singular case of Mr. and Mrs. Coddle; and though these may not be one half the causes of quarrel between man and wife – yet, even their exposure may serve as beacon lights, to avoid the rocks of altercation when sailing on the sea of matrimony. So think of us, all ye anticipating and smiling single people; for you must, or ought, all to be married, and the sooner the better – and remember us ye already paired; and let our example prove to you that to mutual forbearance, mutual confidence, mutual habits, mutual everything, must we owe mutual happiness. And where can the best of happiness be found, but in a loyal and affectionate Married Life?

Disposition of the Characters at the fall of the CurtainMr. L. Mrs. L. – Mr.Y. Mrs.Y – Mr. C. Mrs. C. – Mr. D. Mrs. D. – Mrs. Dove, Mr. DoveTHE END