The History of the Hen Fever. A Humorous Record

CHAPTER XXXI.

A SUPPRESSED SPEECH

The following remarks, on the occasion referred to, were neither published at the time, nor would the "Committee on Printing" admit them into the official report of the proceedings of this national show. For what reason, I am utterly unable to determine. These were the author's sentiments, and I give the speech a place here, because I have no idea of being thus "headed" by my colleagues in that enterprise. This speech was delivered by the Young 'Un "with emphasis and discretion;" but the managers suppressed it. I now submit it, in the hope that it will be duly appreciated. When called upon, I said, as modestly and as gracefully as I knew how:

"Mr. President: Vox populi, vox Dei! The people assembled within the classic and well-painted walls of your American Museum call upon me for a few words of encouragement; and, while I assure you I find myself totally unprepared to speak (though my present address has been written some four weeks), I cheerfully respond to the flattering demonstration that greets me on this electrifying occasion." (Applause, and waving of hats and handkerchiefs.)

"I am but an humble disciple in this profession, Mr. President, and know very little of the deceit and chicanery that some persons charge others with practising in the ramifications of the hen-trade; and, although it has been said that 'what I don't know about this part of the business wouldn't be worth much to anybody,' yet I here solemnly disclaim any superhuman or supernatural knowledge of the tricks of this laudable and highly respectable calling." (Cries of "Good, good! You're an injured man! Go on!")

"For six years, Mr. President, I have carefully watched the progress of this disease, and it really warms the recesses of my heart to find myself surrounded, as I do to-day, by the highly honorable and respectable throng of gentlemen who now grace this rostrum, – yourself, Mr. President, prominent among this galaxy of talent, education, genius, morality, and thrift!" (Immense applause, during which the speaker removed his outside coat.)

"The day is auspicious, Mr. Barnum, – I beg pardon – Mr. President. The spirit of liberty, – of American liberty, – sir, is abroad! To be sure, our valued friends who pretend to Know Nothing (and whose pretensions none of here, I think, will gainsay) have commenced an onslaught upon almost everything of foreign extraction; but they kindly permit us to import Chinese fowls, and allow us to breed them – for the present, at least – without interruption; for which I trust they may receive a unanimous vote of thanks from this American National Poultry Society." ("Yes, yes!" followed this allusion, with hearty cheers.)

"I repeat it, sir, – the times are auspicious. Money is a drug in the market, plainly. The patronage bestowed upon this show (in which, Mr. President, I am sure your native modesty and national patriotism cannot suffer you to feel the slightest personal interest) is evidence of this fact. The prices paid here, in 1854, for domestic fowls – though so clearly below their actual value! – supports this assertion: and your own entire lack of backwardness in coming forward to assume the risk and responsibility of the expenses of this exhibition is the crowning proof that l'argent is plenty – somewhere, at least. I have no disposition, Mr. President, – far be it from me – Heaven forbid that I should attempt – to offer one word of flattery, that you might, by any possibility, appropriate personally. No, sir, – I am no such man! But, if ever there was an individual whose pure-bred disinterestedness, whose incomparable generosity, whose astonishing sacrifice of self, stuck out like a sore thumb, these attributes have now been evinced, beyond the shadow of a shade of question, on this exhilarating occasion, through the astounding liberality of a gentleman, the initials of whose name are Finnyous Tee Barman!" (Immense applause, during which the Young 'Un laid aside his dress-coat, and took off his cravat, – while the President, with both hands over his face, sat overpowered with his emotions.)

"Mr. President, I am no clap-trap orator. I shall say what I have to say, sir, to-day, without any hope or aim towards future reward. To be sure, I have the originals of the finest-blooded fowls in the land, and nobody disputes it; and I have now a fine lot here to dispose of; but this is not the time or place to allude to this matter; and I will only say that I do not charge so much for them as many breeders do, while, at the same time, mine are very much finer and purer than anybody else's, as can readily be seen upon examining the contents of my cages, in the first room below this hall, on the right-hand side as you enter the building. The people, sir, are in search of information on this interesting subject; and I will only add, gentlemen, – call as you pass out, and judge for yourselves." (Loud cries of "We will! – we will!" "That's true!" "That's a fact!" "Your fame is firmly established!")

"Mr. President, I have been too long a resident of these United States – I am too old a citizen of this enlightened country – to be ignorant of the true character of the American people. I am a Yankee, sir! My father was a Yankee, and my grandfather (if I ever had one, sir), before him. 'The people' know what they are about. You cannot deceive them, sir, as you and I well know. When they undertake a thing, it must go forward. There's no stopping them, sir. They enter into any enterprise that promises so much of universal success to the whole country as does this business of poultry-raising, with a rush, sir! And they carry out their objects, —nil disperandum hic jacit est glorii mundi morning, sir, – as the poet remarks." (Hurra! Hurra! "Three cheers for Burnham," suggested the President, which were given with a will; and during which the speaker removed his vest and braces, – carefully securing his watch, however, at the same time.)

"We are not here to be humbugged, sir, nor do we aspire to humbug anybody, at this exhibition; – a performance which would be rather difficult to effect, in my humble judgment, even if we did! We come here to show the people what has been done, what is now doing, and what may be done again, sir, by our friends here, all of them and any of them, who choose to undertake the pleasing and delightful task of rearing pure-bred fowls. And, should there now be within the sound of my voice any lady or gentleman who has never seen the tiny Shanghae chick as it emerged from its delicate prison-shell and leaped forth into liberty and the glorious sunlight, – should any one of my listeners never have enjoyed the dulcet tone of that chicken's tender 'peep,' – if any of you are strangers to the habits and beauties and innocence of these rare but graceful birds, – if you have never listened to the melody of their musical crow, from youth to green old age, – I will only say, procure some of the genuine specimens, and there is much of joy and happiness yet in store for yourselves, your wives, your children, or your friends, – if you chance to have any." (Applause, and marked sensation.)

"Mr. President, I am no speech-maker. Had I, for one moment, supposed that I should have been thought of, by this talented and well-informed audience, I should not have been present here, I assure you. But, sir, my fame preceded me here. I'm a poor but honest man; and modesty, sir, that native modesty which so preeminently characterizes your own composition, Mr. President (had I suspected that I should have been called upon), would have prompted me to have left to others the pleasing task of speaking of me and mine. Still, if my friends 'will buckle fortune on my back, whether I will or no,' I can only say that I feel impressed that the duty and moral obligations I owe to society compel me to submit to the burthen, with the best possible grace at my humble command." (Deep sensation among the audience; the ladies, for the most part, in tears.)

"But, sir, the future is before us! The brilliant star of fortune still shines in the distance, for the encouragement of those who have not yet availed themselves of the splendid promise that awaits the men who are yet to come after us, to do as we have done! And, to those who are now about to undertake the commendable occupation of attempting to breed 'fancy poultry,' I will only say, 'Go on, gentlemen! Forward, in your delightfully pleasing and profit-promising ambition! Purchase none but the best stock, without regard to price; and breed it (if you can!). Everybody wants to buy, – everybody will buy, – and the hens that lay the golden eggs are still for sale, within the sound of my voice (unless they have all been bought up since I entered this hall). But there are still a few more left, I have no doubt, gentlemen; and, I charge you, seize them while you may!'"

A general stampede followed my speech. I secured my clothes, and, for three hours afterwards, I found it impossible to get within fifty feet of my show-cages, in consequence of the throng of purchasers that crowded around them!

There must have been some charm about those magical coops of mine. They were filled and refilled, twenty times over; but they were as often emptied, and at singularly gratifying prices, both to buyer and seller.

CHAPTER XXXII.

A "CONFIDENCE" MAN

Towards the close of this show in New York, a somewhat noted cattle-breeder (who was then absent in England) wrote home to an agent in this country, directing him to secure all the Grey Shanghaes obtainable, and further to contract for the raising of hundreds or thousands more, to be delivered during the following season.

At this late day, such an undertaking appeared (to the initiated) to exhibit a most extraordinary confidence in the reality of the hen-trade; but, to those who "had been there," it was very amusing to witness the new-born zeal of this curiously verdant purchaser, who invested so large an amount of money, in 1854, in this hum!

The most extravagant prices were paid by this person for Grey fowls, and large orders were given by the agent, to different breeders, in New England, for future supplies. Several hundred birds were then purchased, at rates varying from four or five dollars to fifty dollars each; and finally some twenty cages were filled, and consigned to London, to be disposed of (as it was supposed) at enormous figures.

This speculation was a total failure. The fowls were inferior, and sick, and worthless. An auction sale followed quickly upon their arrival in England, the proceeds of which failed to pay even their freight and expenses out from this country; and the "confidential" proprietor of the stock, who had not the slightest conception of the details of the trade, was the loser of hundreds of dollars by this foolish and reckless undertaking.

But his contracts with home breeders, who had raised for him one hundred, three hundred, or five hundred pairs of chickens, each, were yet in statu quo! Two or three thousand Grey chickens were awaiting this confident gentleman's orders, and in the mean time were devouring huge quantities of corn and meal, then ranging at from a dollar to a dollar and ten cents a bushel!

Sales were merely nominal; buyers of fancy fowls were nowhar; grain continued on the rise; the chickens grew longer in the legs and necks, and devoured more corn than ever; cold weather approached, and the breeders had no conveniences for housing these thousands of monsters; and finally the victims became importunate.

The contractor didn't want the fowls. Of course he didn't. He had "put his foot into it" with a vengeance! But the parties who had raised these birds "to order" insisted upon the fulfilment of the contractor's promise to take them, at four, six and eight months old.

But the confident gentleman, who, in the spring of 1854, had made up his mind that the "hen fever had but just then made its appearance, in fact," now discovered that the bottom had been shaky for a twelvemonth, at the least, and had at length fallen out altogether!

The folly of this enterprise was apparent to every fowl-raiser in New England, from the outset. But this man knew what he was about, – so he declared, – and he scouted the advice of those who, from long experience, were able to instruct and advise him better. It was but a single instance of its kind, however, and it served, for the time being, to aid in keeping up the excitement of the humbug which had cost so many men before him large sums of money, and months of labor and care, without the slightest subsequent compensation.

By the fall of 1854, the price of this "fancy stock" began to approximate towards its intrinsic level, somewhat, in consequence of its being thus overdone; and very fair birds were offered for five to seven dollars the pair, with but few purchasers.

In England, the fever had subsided. During the spring and summer, my own sales for that market had been continuously, and without any abatement, extremely liberal; but the prospect suddenly became clouded – the demand fell off – and I saw that the gate was about to be shut down.

The jig was nearly up, evidently, in December, 1854. In all the suburban towns of this state, and more especially throughout the entire length and breadth of Rhode Island and Connecticut, immense numbers of the Chinese varieties of fowls were being bred; and I saw, months before, that the market must of necessity be glutted, to the full, in the winter that was then approaching. Many of the experienced fanciers still clung to the hope that the trade would rally again, however, – but I was satisfied that the engine-bell had rung for the last time, and that the train was already now on the move.

CHAPTER XXXIII.

THE ESSENCE OF HUMBUG

During this and the previous years, some of the older fanciers and breeders had resorted to the most fulsome and nonsensical style of advertisements, to push off their stock upon the unguarded. No quality of superlative goodness, known or unknown, that could be described in the English language (either by means of "communications" through the public prints, or by ordinary forms of advertising), was omitted to be proclaimed by the owners of fancy stock, in order to force off upon the credulous or the uninitiated their "newly-imported" stuff, and its progeny.

High-sounding but most ridiculous titles were given, by the nominal "importers," to their live stock; and the public were asked to purchase "Hong-Kong" fowls, "Bengal Eagle" chickens, "Wild Indian Mountain" hens, "Whang-tongs," "Quittaquongs," "Hoang-Hos," "Paduas," etc.; and the following advertisement appeared, finally, to cap the climax of this inexpressibly stupid nonsense. It was printed in an agricultural monthly, issued somewhere in western New York, and it ran as follows:

"Mormann & Humm, Importers and Exporters of, and Dealers in, all breeds and varieties of Blooded Live Stock, Big Falls, N.S. Messrs. Mormann and Humm are now perfecting their arrangements for importing from Europe and Asia all the best breeds of Horses, Cattle, Hogs, Dogs, Sheep, Rabbits, Goats, Fowls, &c. &c., and for exporting Buffalo, Elk, Deer, Moose, Badgers, Bears, Foxes, Swifts, Eagles, Swans, Pelicans, Cranes, Loons, &c. &c. They will keep on hand, as near as may be, all the best Blooded Animals and Fowls – gallinaceous and aquatic – fancy and substantial – which they will furnish to their numerous patrons in Europe and America at reasonable rates. All orders should be directed to Big Falls, N.S., until otherwise notified.

"Also, they have imported the finest and only Ptarmagins ever introduced into the United States. These surprisingly beautiful fowls are direct from the original stock. The Ptarmagins – white in winter and ash-colored in summer – booted and tufted – are the most unique of domestic fowls. They will supply orders for Ptarmagin chickens; also, Hoang-Hos, Imperials, Falcon-hocked Cochins, (!) and a large variety of Improved Suffolks and other fine hogs, from the choice stocks of His Royal Highness Prince Albert, His Grace the Duke of Beaufort, Lord Wenlock, the Earl of Radnor, late Earl of Ducie, Rev. Mr. Thursby, Mr. Garbanati, &c. &c. Also some choice Chinese Mandarin and Siamese hogs, &c. &c. &c."

In this same pamphlet, appeared the annexed communication (in the form of a letter to the nominal publisher), which will explain itself, probably, to those who are acquainted with its hifalutin author. It was a rich "card," in the estimation of the "boys," at the time of its first appearance, though nobody ever saw this extraordinary beast or its progeny, I imagine:

Chinese Mandarin Hogs"– , Nov. 7, 1854.

"Friend M – :

"We have just purchased the lot of Chinese Mandarin Swine, imported, &c. &c. &c…

"This is the best breed of China hogs, and are great favorites with the inhabitants, the meat being remarkably tender and fine-flavored. At maturity they weigh from fifteen to eighteen score, and are very prolific.

"The head and face of these animals very closely resemble an elephant, both as to the appearance of the skin and ears, and the number and depth of facial fissures; perfectly unique, and strikingly oriental in capital aspect.

"The neck is longer than that of anything of the hog race, imparting a most singular appearance to the proportions of the whole animal.

"These Chinese hogs are entirely different from anything of the sort ever imported into this country before, and are the most prolific of the swine race. The imported sow and each of the sow-pigs have eighteen well-developed dugs. The number of well-defined dugs is always the best prima facie evidence of prolificness in any animal.

"The bodies of these hogs are shaped like the white Berkshire breed of England. They take on fat with remarkable rapidity, and, in color, though not so spotted as the leopard, these hogs are beautifully striated, the body spotted like polished alabaster and ebony, checkered and rounded most exquisitely.

"We shall have an engraving of these animals for the northern agricultural papers, and one of the great English periodicals.

"Yours, truly," – & – ."

The editor adds, cautiously, "The importers are gentlemen of strict probity and honor, so far as our knowledge extends; but, in these hurrying times, when the public excitement is up on any kind of stock, a man may import and sell worthless animals, to a great extent, before a reaction can take place."

Now, this sort of mush and moonshine very soon nauseated upon the stomachs of "the people," even; who ordinarily can (and will) patiently submit to a vast deal of mummery. But when such palpable bosh as this is placed before them, they are apt to dodge all association with it and its clearly-expressed humbuggery; and so the tide now very quickly began to turn against the trade. "Brahmas," and "Quittaquong" fowls, and "Mandarin" pigs, proved too threatening a dose for the masses! They hadn't time to spell out the names of such stock – to say nothing of purchasing it, at round figures, and attempting to breed it afterwards.

What those men imagined they could possibly effect by this sort of ridiculous nonsense, I am unable to conceive of. Yet it was put forth in sober earnest; and scores of similar advertisements filled the papers, from time to time – each having for its object the continuous gulling of the "dear people," each in its own peculiar way.

And for years – up to this period – the star-gazing, wonder-loving, humbug-seeking portion of the community, – the mass who fill every corner of the land, and who watch for something continuously "new under the sun," out of which money can be made, – I say, for years, this portion of the public believed what they saw and read of, and responded to this sort of thing with a gusto equalled only by the zest with which, in years before, they had encouraged and supported the score of other "hums" that had been current around them.

But the delusions of morus multicaulis, and Merino sheep, and patent bee-keeping, and Berkshire pigs, and tulip-growing, had passed away; and the hen fever, at last, subsided, too. Unpronounceable names and long-winded advertisements wouldn't do! "The people" had ascertained that there was an end even to Shanghae and Brahma-ism! And this flimsiest of all bubbles was now inflated fully to bursting.

CHAPTER XXXIV.

A TRUMP CARD

Not to be beaten by this sort of thing (since the columns of certain friendly journals were still open to me), I adopted the style of advertising then current; and soon after the articles noted in the last chapter made their appearance in the "agricultural" paper alluded to, the following letter from the Young 'Un was published in the New York Spirit of the Times, upon the subject of live stock generally, and what I had for sale particularly.

"Uncle Porter:

"During the last few years, I have turned my attention to trafficking in stock (as you may possibly already be aware). Not copper stock, or Reading, or Hoosac Tunnel, or similar 'bores,' – but in live stock; to wit, living stock. As is usual in this great and free country, other people have got to doing the same kind of business, since it has been now found to 'pay;' and who's a better right?

"I desire, at the commencement of the new year, through the Spirit, to call the attention of such of your friends (as you cannot supply readily) to my present assortment of ominus, omnivorous, carnivorous, graminivorous and bipederous specimens – which I have imported from Europe, Asia, Africa, Oceanica, South America, and other places; and consisting, in part, of the following, namely:

"All the best and choicest breeds and varieties of horses, cattle, swine, dogs, cats, sheep, rabbits, goats, fowls, pigeons, rats, catamounts, hyenas, alligators, cormorants, kangaroos, grizzly bears, antelopes, envelopes, llamas, lam'ems, jaguars, fox and geese, kinkajous, petrel, periwinkles, long-tailed rabbits, Nubian fennecs, red eagles, condors, hooded ducks and hood-winked drakes, swifts, sloes (intended for 'fast' men and old 'fogies'), chamois, armadilloes, wingless emus, beadles, crabs, cranes, coons (bred from 'that same old 'un'), white zebras, macaws, catspaws, cantelopes, carbuncles and shuttle-sewing machines.

"I also have, for exporting, a splendid assortment of buffalo, elk, deer, moose, bears, cranes, owls, badgers, woodchucks, swans, pelicans, gulls (genuine), rattle-snakes (domesticated), fighting hen-turkeys (from Iowa), larks (from Nauvoo), and a superior assortment of fishes, of every conceivable size, color and variety, which are warranted to live out of the water, in any climate. In short, I will keep on hand all the best 'blooded' animals, fowls, quadrupeds, fishes, reptiles, insects and birds, – be they gallinaceous, aquatic, aërial, fancy, substantial, good, bad or indifferent, that may be had; which I will furnish to my numerous friends, patrons, and the rest of mankind, in Europe, Asia, Africa or America, at all hours of the day or night (Sundays excepted); and at prices so reasonable that Christendom shall 'vote me' a philanthropist, or no sale.

"Among my most recently received samples, I beg especially to call the attention of fanciers, amateurs and breeders, to a 'vaggin-load of monkeys, vith their tails burned off,' which I warrant will not frighten the most skittish of horses. A crate of she-basilisks, of most virtuous exteriors, and with eyes as large as saucers. Eleven pet elephants (intended to have been offered to Mr. Barnum, but who informs me that he has done breeding them, on account of the high price of provender). One pair of red ostriches, – supposed to be the original progenitors of the famous 'Cochin-China' race of poultry. (The male has a 'horse-shoe mark' upon his breast, described by certain modern authors on poultry. Unluckily for this theory, however, I happen to know that this individual was kicked by a mare of mine, while the beauty was skulking behind her, and attempting to rob her of the corn she was eating from her crib.) I have a trio of very healthy walruses, from Norway, that will eat snowballs from your hand. Also, a brace of young mastodons, very docile, and as easily kept, almost, as a trio of 'Brahma Pootras.' Three green swans (delightfully green), that never seek for or approach the water; supposed not yet to have learned to swim. I have also in my collection a family of very curious chameleons (believed to be), but none of which are supplied with the usual caudal extremity yclept a tail.