A Mysterious Disappearance

Bobstay (recovering himself). Hush! Spanker’s wife! My widow, you know! Our evil genius! It’s a judgment on me for giving up the search for the lost Spanker. I must be off. Good-bye; put it there (they shake hands). If I’m asked for, you know – mysteriously disappeared – (goes up to door C.).

Mrs. C. (outside C.) Charley! Charley!

Bobstay (comes down R.). There’s a craft bearing down this way; mum’s the word, Charley.

[Exit door R.

(Enter Persis from room L.)

Persis. Shall we never be alone?

Charles. Hush! go back; my wife is here!

Persis. Your wife? Rosa Bean? I’ll scratch her eyes out!

Charles (pushing her into room). No, no; you’ll spoil all. They meet! – ’twould never do (locks door and takes out key. Mrs. C. appears at door C.)

Mrs. C. Why, Charles, what are you doing? Locking my door?

Charles (confused). Yes – no – that is, I was afraid the cat would get in there, and so I locked it.

Mrs. C. I want to put my things away.

Charles. I wouldn’t take them off now, it’s a little chilly here.

Mrs. C. Chilly! Why, Charles, are you ill? How pale you look! If it were anybody else, I should say a guilty look was on your face.

Charles (aside). A guilty look! and she in clandestine correspondence with Dolby! (Aloud) Guilty? absurd! (Aside) What have I done? Locked a woman in her room, – and I suspect her? O, here’s a muddle!

Mrs. C. Well, as you do not seem inclined to let me into my room, I will lay off my things in Nelly’s (goes to door R.). Why, this is locked too!

Charles. O, yes, yes; I forgot to tell you. I – I locked up the dog in there.

Mrs. C. The dog Towzer! What for?

Charles. Well, I was just going to sit down to read, and I didn’t want to be disturbed.

Dog outside. “Bow, wow, wow!”

Mrs. C. Ah, Towzer seems to have found the way out.

Charles. I wish I could. (Dog barks.)

Dolby (outside). Help! murder! help! (Comes tumbling in through the window on to lounge; rolls on to floor.) Confound that dog! (gets up rubbing his knees.)

Charles. What luck, Dolby. Did you get a bite?

Dolby. Yes; two of them; and if my legs hadn’t done good service, that confounded dog would have made a meal of me (still rubbing his knees, not looking up. Mrs. Cleverly, down R.).

Charles. Sorry, Dolby, you didn’t have better luck. (Aside) Now to test my wife (steps C.). Allow me to present you to my wife. Mrs. Cleverly, my friend Dixon Dolby. Dixie, this is the lady you have longed to meet.

Dolby (comes down L.; looks across). Rosa Bean! Good gracious!

Charles. No, no. My poor friend, you are growing crazy with your absurd phantom, Rosa Bean.

Dolby. Good gracious, it’s her! And I – I – unhappy wretch! – am in love with Charley’s wife! What will become of me? I shall be found out (wipes face with handkerchief).

Mrs. C. I hope you are enjoying your day’s sport, Mr. Dolby.

Dolby. O, immensely! You see we took the dog along for a photograph – no, for company. Don Carlos said we’d better; and he got interested in my arrangements; and just as I stooped over to put on a bait, somebody said, “St’boy!” and I suppose he mistook me for the boy, – at any rate, took a bite. Then it suddenly occurred to me that there was “no place like home.”

(Enter Carlos, C.)

Carlos. Say, Mister, what did you want to scoot for jist as it was gettin’ interesting?

Dolby. Interesting, Don Carlos? It was getting exciting! (Aside) Heavens! how shall I get out of this scrape? – Charley’s wife! – He’ll murder me! (Aloud) Charley, I really believe I’ll take the next train.

Charles. Nonsense. You’ve not tried the gunning yet. Finish your day’s sport.

Dolby (aside). I wish I could, at once.

Charles. Careless will take you to the game!

Dolby (takes gun). All right. Don Carlos, we’ll try the game; (aside) and I’m off to the train. No more of this sport for me, thank you.

Carlos. Say, what do you want to shoot?

Dolby. How’s the deer?

Carlos. Deer? Ho, ho, ho! They’re purty well; but we’re out on ’em jist now.

Dolby. Well, a buffalo or two.

Carlos. Ho, ho, ho!

Dolby. Hang it! don’t stand there grinning; let’s shoot something quick. [Exit C. and off L.

Carlos (aside). Darned if I don’t take him down into Buffalo Bill’s paster. He’ll shoot the fence quicker than scat. [Exit C.

Mrs. C. Now that the dog is out of the way, I suppose you can have no objection to —

Charles. By the way, Jenny, I’d nearly forgotten it; but Mrs. Jenks, our neighbor, was here just now, and her baby’s taken sick – awful; wants you. It’s got a sudden attack of squills, I think she said.

Mrs. C. Indeed! I’ll run over at once; that is, if you can spare me.

Charles. O, certainly – that is, no – yes. They’re not catching, are they?

Mrs. C. I think not. Good-bye (goes up C.). (Aside) There’s something wrong with Charley. I’ll not go far. [Exit C.

Charles. Now to get that confounded Bobstay out of the way (goes towards door R.).

(Enter Nelly, R. 1 E.)

Nelly. Charley, what do you want in my room?

Charles. O, nothing – that is – I was looking for you.

Nelly. And having found me —

Charles. I want you to advise me. Read that. (Gives note.)

Nelly (aside). Nobody can do it better than I (reads). Well, Charley?

Charles. Well, Charley. No, ill Charley; a decidedly badly-used Charley. Do you know that photograph?

Nelly. It’s our Jenny.

Charles. Our Jenny! And it’s sent to my friend Dolby. I’ll murder him!

Nelly. Now, Charley, don’t be jealous. I’ve no doubt Jenny will explain matters to your entire satisfaction. (Persis knocks at door L.) Ah, who’s that?

Charles (moving to door L.). It’s the cat. Scat, pussy, pussy, pussy!

Nelly, R. (changes photograph in note for another). I’ll see if we cannot put a new face upon the matter. (Aloud) Here’s your note, Charley. Don’t be jealous; it doesn’t look well in a man at all. [Exit R.

Charles. Now to let the captain out. (Goes to door R.; raps). I say, captain – coast clear!

(Enter Bobstay, with a calico skirt pinned about his waist, a red shawl over his shoulders, and a straw bonnet on his head.)

Gracious! what’s the meaning of that rig?

Bobstay. Disguise; run the gantlet; slip my cable. See, I’m here – I’m gone. If anybody asks for Bobstay, you know – mysteriously disappeared. [Goes to door C.

(Enter Mrs. Cleverly, C.)

Mrs. C. One moment, if you please.

Bobstay (aside). Shiver my timbers, it’s Jenny!

Charles. She’s found him out!

Mrs. C. (leading Bobstay down R. by arm). I have no objections to my husband’s entertaining ladies in my absence; but I have decided objections to their leaving my house with property not their own. I’ll thank you for that shawl.

Bobstay. Ay, ay. (Takes off shawl.)

Mrs. C. And that bonnet.

Bobstay (takes off bonnet). Ay, ay.

Mrs. C. Captain Bobstay! Uncle Boliver!

(Enter Miss Persis, door L.)

Persis. Captain Bobstay! My husband! (Shrieks, and falls into Charles’s arms.)

Bobstay. ’Tis she; support me, Jenny (falls into Mrs. C.’s arms).

(Report of gun outside C.)

Dolby. Help! murder! help! (Runs in through door C., turns and shuts door; puts his back against it.) Hallo! what’s the matter here?

Mrs. C. So, sir, you have deceived me. And this lady is —

Charles. Your aunt, Mrs. Captain Bobstay.

Bobstay. ’Tis false!

Persis. Boliver! my own – (approaching him.)

Bobstay. No, nothing of the kind, madam. You married me and I married you under a mistake. When you can bring me convincing proof of the death of your husband Spanker, – a leg or an arm of the aforesaid will be sufficient proof, – I am ready to talk business. Till then, madam, I am free.

Persis. Boliver —

Bobstay. O, I shall boil over if you are not silent (sits at table R., takes up paper; reads. Miss Persis moves about him, trying to get sight of his face; he keeps the paper before him).

Charles. Now, Mrs. Cleverly, having cleared myself to your satisfaction, I hope – (sees Dolby) Hallo! Dolby, what are you doing there?

Dolby. Fact is, Charley, I’ve shot something!

(Carlos sticks his head into window.)

Carlos. Yes, darn you, you shot a calf! But Buffalo Bill, our black bull, tossed you over the fence in no time. Ho, ho, ho! You’re a sportsman, you are!

[Exit C.

Dolby. Charley, I guess I’ll go home. I’ve lost my net, my rod, and my gun; and if your game are as active as your friend Buffalo William, I’d rather not be hunting, thank you.

Charles. Do you recognize that note, Dolby? (Gives note.)

Dolby. O, Lord, it’s! coming! Here’s a pretty day’s sport! That note? O, yes. That note is —

Charles. From my wife, I believe.

Dolby. O, heavens, it’s all over! Charley, ’pon my word, I hadn’t the least idea that Rosa Bean was your wife. If I had —

Charles. Silence! (Snatches note from Dolby, and runs to C.) And you, madam, what have you to say to it? (Gives note to Mrs. C.)

(Enter Nelly, C.)

Mrs. C. (looking at it.) Say! What can I say? This in no way concerns me.

Charles. Indeed! And the picture?

Mrs. C. O, the picture. (Looks at it.) Why, it’s our Nelly.

Charles and Dolby. Our Nelly!

Nelly. Yes, our Nelly – who is answerable for all this mischief. She is the writer of the note – the unknown correspondent of our friend Mr. Dixon Dolby, Rosa Bean.

Dolby. Well, that’s clever (runs up to her, C.). How do you do (shakes hands). (They go to lounge and sit talking.)

Mrs. C. And you suspected me, Charley!

Charles. What could I do? Your aunt Bobstay brought me your picture, which somehow has mysteriously disappeared.

Bobstay (jumping up). “Mysteriously disappeared.” Hark! listen! (reads.) “All friends of the supposed-to-be-drowned Sylvester Spanker, especially his widow, are hereby notified that he has returned to his ship, the Venetian Red, and will sail this day for Valparaiso.” Ha, ha! ho, ho! He’s found, and I am free! Widow, I congratulate you.

Persis. Spanker alive! Thank fortune, I am no longer dependent on the cold charities of the world!

Bobstay. Madam, put it there (they shake hands). We’ll go aboard the Venetian Red this very day. I’ll return property, and take my receipt, tear up our certificate, give you my blessing, and mysteriously disappear.

Dolby (comes down with Nelly). But what’s to become of me? Will you desert the life you saved? Persis —

Persis. Bother! You’d better be silent. I was in that room when you told the story with such complimentary allusions to me.

Dolby. Ahem! Mum’s the word.

Charles. Come, Nelly, let’s have dinner. (Exit Nelly L.) This little muddle is happily ended.

Dolby. I’ve had my day’s sport; not just what I expected, but it’s ending happily.

Charles. The widow has found her husband.

Bobstay. For which we return thanks.

(Carlos sticks his head in window.)

Carlos. Say, you’ll never see that calf again; she’s gin her last blat.

(Enter Nelly, R.)

Nelly. Dinner’s ready.

Charles (gives his wife his arm, C.). Come, let’s to dinner. (Dolby and Nelly arm in arm, R.; Captain and Miss Persis arm in arm, L.) Are you ready, captain?

Bobstay. Ay, ay, Charley, with a rousing appetite. So heave ahead; we’ll follow in your wake. I’m happy. You are happy, widow. Yes, we’re all happy – for we’ve had a day’s sport, and all our troubles have – mysteriously disappeared.

[Curtain.]

1

A wink and finger on side of nose when these words are used through the play.