A Mysterious Disappearance

George M. Baker

A Mysterious Disappearance

CHARACTERS

COSTUMES

Captain. Wide-bottomed trousers, and “Reefer” of blue; blue shirt; black handkerchief; bald wig for own; black wig and big black whiskers for disguise.

Dolby. Checkered suit; gaiters; Jockey cap.

Charles. Blue flannel suit; wide-brimmed straw hat.

Carlos. Wide straw hat; heavy shoes; blue stockings; short pants; and jacket open; with red or yellow waistcoat; red wig.

Nelly. Pretty muslin dress, with apron and morning cap.

Mrs. C. Morning dress.

Miss Persis. Red wig, with long curls. Dress very high-colored; spectacles of a light blue; hat. She is rather old, with affected girlish dress and ways.

SCENE. —Sitting-room in farm-house. Door in flat C. Window in flat L. Lounge under window. Table L. corner, back, with cover, books, and flowers. Small table, R. C. Arm-chair, L. C. Chair, L., near first entrance. Door R. and L. Nelly discovered dusting.

Nelly (throwing brush on lounge). That will do for to-day. It’s time Carlos were back from the post-office. I am anxious to obtain a letter from my invisible adorer, Dixon Dolby. How my good brother would open his eyes if he knew the extent of my wickedness. Three months ago, six of us girls at school, desirous of acquiring proficiency in correspondence, agreed to write to gentlemen whom we had never met, but whom we knew by reputation to be gentlemen. My choice was my brother’s chum before his marriage, Dixon Dolby. My plan succeeded admirably. He answered the note signed, Rosa Bean. The most tender and impassioned epistles followed on both sides, until at last he had the impudence to request an exchange of photographs. I consented, but was not fool enough to allow him to discover my identity; so, to secure his, I sent instead a photograph of my brother’s wife. I knew they had never met, but they must; and when they do, won’t there be fun. I only hope I shall be at the denouement. Ah! here’s Carlos.

(Enter Carlos, C., with two letters and a paper.)

Well, Carlos, what success?

Carlos (putting letters behind him). Hey? What’ll you give to know? Ought to give a feller somethin’ purty sweet, cos I ran all the way.

Nelly. Indeed I will, Carlos. My warmest thanks and my sweetest smile.

Carlos. Is that all? Well, here’s a letter (gives her a letter).

Nelly. O, thank you, Carlos. You’re a dear, good boy (takes letter, and sits in arm-chair, L.).

Carlos (comes down R., puts newspaper on table). Kinder thought I might get somethin’ sweeter; a kiss, perhaps. But I s’pose she was afraid somebody might be lookin’. I wouldn’t a cared if they had. She’s jest as purty as a pictur; and I kinder think she hankers arter me. I jest like her, you bet! Wish sometimes I could be a caterpillar, and crawl under her purty feet. I couldn’t be more smashed than I am now. Wal, I’ll go and hunt up Mr. Cleverly with the other letter (goes up C.). Nothin’ wantin’, Miss Nelly?

Nelly. Nothing; thank you, Carlos.

Carlos (at door). O, she’s a beauty. Takes such pains to call me Carlos. Mr. Cleverly he always calls me Careless, ’cause he says it’s my natur. [Exit C.

Nelly (takes photograph from letter). There he is; charming fellow. He has no idea I am the sister of his best friend. Not bad-looking (holds photograph up).

(Enter Mrs. Cleverly with hat and shawl, door L. She looks over Nelly’s shoulder at picture.)

A girl might be happy with such a man. I’ve no doubt I shall blush when we meet. (To photograph.) You dear fellow, you are good-looking and smart —

Mrs. C. Indeed he is, Nelly.

Nelly (jumping up). O, good gracious! you here?

Mrs. C. Have I disturbed your devotions? Who is he? When will it be?

Nelly (puts photograph in her bosom). Nonsense; it’s only a slight acquaintance.

Mrs. C. You do not slight his picture. I should say he was a bosom-friend. Where’s Charley?

Nelly. Out on the farm, hilling corn, I believe.

Mrs. C. Poor fellow! how his corns must ache! and his back. Ha, ha, ha! He works so hard to make a pleasure of what he does not enjoy. Nell, tell him, if he comes in, I’ve run over to Mrs. Young’s to borrow her pat. I won’t be gone long. [Exit C.

Nelly. She saw him, but she doesn’t know him. If she only knew what he received in exchange. Well, I’m not going to spoil a frolic for fear of the consequences.

Charles (outside). Hang the corn, Careless; my back’s nearly broken now.

(Enter C. with a hoe, followed by Carlos.)

Carlos. How about the onions, sir?

Charles. How about them as much as you like, but no hoe about them for me.

Carlos. They won’t be worth a cent.

Charles. Well, don’t get sentimental over them, Careless. They’re not worth weeping over; no, Careless. I’ve set myself up for an independent farmer, and there’s no clause regarding hoeing in my declaration of independence. You shall have a holiday: you needn’t work to-day. You’re not very fond of it at any time; but this day we have a visitor.

Nelly. A visitor?

Charles. Yes, Nelly. I’ve got word from him; he’s coming down for a day’s sport. The very man I’ve picked out to lead you to the hymeneal altar.

Carlos. Gosh all hemlock!

Charles. What’s the matter, Careless?

Carlos. Me – I – nothin’; only darned skeeter up my nose.

Nelly. Picked out for me? Thank you; I can do my own picking.

Charles. And your own leading too. You’re smart enough to do the leading business. Where’s Jenny, “the girl I left behind me”?

Nelly. She left before you – came in. She ran over to Mrs. Young’s to borrow her pat.

Charles. Her Pat? Haven’t I told her I wouldn’t have an Irishman on the place?

Nelly. Ha, ha, ha! It’s a butter pat.

Carlos. Ho, ho, ho!

Charles. What’s the matter with you, Careless? (Carlos looks sober.) Do that again, and you’ll get anything but a pat. Go, make yourself presentable; put your auburn locks in curl-papers, and wash your face. You shall guide my friend in his day’s sport.

Carlos. Yes, sir. (Aside) He’s going to lead her with a halter, is he? I’ll show him sport. [Exit C.

Charles. Yes, Nelly, we’re to have a visit from my old chum, Dixie Dolby.

Nelly. Good gracious! he coming here?

Charles. Yes; for the first time; and to the country for the first time, too. This little matrimonial scheme of mine is the only secret I ever had from him. He didn’t know I was courting Jenny Bobstay until he received my wedding-cards. Wasn’t he surprised? No more than I, however. Just a year ago, that highly respectable old mariner, Captain Boliver Bobstay, mysteriously disappeared from Valparaiso, where the stanch bark “Indigo Blue” was waiting for a cargo. His coat and hat were found upon the pier; but the wearer never did appear upon that pier again.

Nelly. And he was not heard of again?

Charles. No. Yes. Six months ago, Jenny received a deed of this place from Uncle Bobstay. How it came, or where it came from, nobody knew; but it was found all right, and being a nice cosy place here, we married and settled upon it three months ago.

Nelly. But, Charley, your friend —

Charles. O, yes; Dolby – clever fellow. You’ve never met him, Nelly?

Nelly. No. I’ve often heard you speak of him, and feel inclined to like him.

Charles. I know you will, Nelly. Now let’s have something nice for dinner, in honor of our guest; something extra, you know.

Nelly. I’ll look after the dinner. When he comes, we shall have something extra. [Exit R.

Charles. She’s a nice girl. I hope Dixie will like her. To think of his coming down here to see me a married man. Why, I should almost as soon expect, Uncle Bobstay to walk in at my door.

(Enter C. Bobstay. He has a black wig and black whiskers.)

Bobstay (at door). Avast there! Are the decks, clear? Sh —

Charles. Hallo! Who have we here? Come in.

Bobstay (comes down R.). All right, my hearty. When a messmate’s going down in the briny – for the last time, mind – what do we do? Why, we extends a helping hand, and grabs him by the hair of the head, don’t we?

Charles. That is the first impulse – unless he’s bald.

Bobstay (extending hand). Put it there; give us your flipper (they shake hands). All right. Here’s your hand and ’ere’s my head! Take a good hold of it, as if I was agoin’ down for the last time. Now, steady. (Charles takes hold of his wig, and Bobstay seizes his beard.) Let fall all! (He stands back, pulling off whiskers. Charles pulls off wig.)

Charles. Uncle Bobstay!

Bobstay. Hush! Easy, Charley, easy. Bobstay of the Indigo Blue, he went up – no, down – leastwise he went off. I’m a sperit, you understand? I’m the Ancient Mariner – Captain Kyd – the Great Unknown – anything you please but Bobstay. He mysteriously disappeared; let him be missed.

Charles. But what have you been doing? What’s the trouble?

Bobstay. A deep one – deeper than the sea. Hush! Put it there (shakes hands). There’s a woman at the bottom.

Charles. At the bottom of the sea? Good gracious!

Bobstay. No. I wish she was, Charley. Put it there (shakes hands). You’ve heard me speak of Spanker, skipper of the Venetian Red?

Charles. Many a time. He was a particular friend of yours, I believe.

Bobstay. Charley, listen to a tale that would make the marines blush. When I reached Valparaiso on my last run, I found the Venetian Red there before me; but I found that Spanker had “mysteriously disappeared.”1 His hat and coat were found upon the pier, and he was supposed to be beneath the waves.

Charles. What a coincidence!

Bobstay. Charley, he left a widow. I found her in Venetian Red on board the mourning black, – no – in mourning red onboard the Venetian —

Charles. No matter about the colors; go on.

Bobstay. Charley, she was in distress; and did you ever hear of a tar who found a lass in distress, and deserted her? Never. In a week I had asked her to marry me. In ten days we were married in church.

Charles. Married! Then you are —

Bobstay. Mysteriously disappeared; that’s the p’int. We were married in church. And now for an astonishing disclosure. When we came out of church, who should I see but Spanker – the dead and gone Spanker – peeping round a corner, with a grin on his face and a finger on his nose.

Charles. What! Why, this is bigamy!

Bobstay. What-amy? ’Twas a swindle!

Charles. Unhappy man! How did you act? What did you say?

Bobstay. I said nothing; put the lady, Mrs. Spanker Bobstay, into the carriage, shut the door, and mysteriously disappeared.

Charles. And your wife?

Bobstay. Avast there! She’s Spanker’s wife.

Charles. But he basely deserted her.

Bobstay. So did I. Mysteriously disappeared.

Charles. But where have you been? What have you been doing all this time?

Bobstay. Pursuing the phantom ship, Sylvester Spanker.

Charles. Have you any trace of him?

Bobstay. Trace, my hearty? He’s made a clean run, blast his toplights!

Charles. Then she is yours now.

Bobstay. Is she? That’s a p’int for the sharks to argue. I didn’t marry his widow; I couldn’t marry his wife; and yet I’m a married man.

Charles. But you love her, captain?

Bobstay. Ease off a bit. If Spanker mysteriously disappeared, there’s reason for Spanker’s disappearance. And as the aforesaid widow, when I married her, who didn’t prove to be a widow after I married her, boxed my ears twice afore the ceremony, the p’ints of my matrimonial compass don’t p’int that way much.

Charles. But where is she?

Bobstay. In chase of another craft, my boy. Close-reefed, to overhaul a young spark, with a view to engage him. Shall I destroy his happiness? That’s a p’int. Shall I appear like a spectre and forbid the banns? That’s another p’int. No, my boy. I’ll set … down here; keep under water till she’s fairly hooked.

Charles. But suppose Spanker should turn up?

Bobstay. That’s a p’int we can’t argue. Mum’s the word. I’m a spirit. Bobstay’s gone up. Keep dark. Not a word to your wife now.

Charles. But Jenny don’t know you are here!

Bobstay. No? I’ll hide in the barn – in the pigsty – anywhere until the widow’s hooked.

(Enter Carlos, C. from L.)

Carlos. Say, Mr. Cleverly, here’s a woman wants to see you. [Exit C. to R.

Bobstay. A woman? Then I’ll get under hatches (runs to table R.C. and puts on wig and whiskers). That used to be my state-room. I’ll look it over. Mind, Charley, mum’s the word. I’m a spirit; mysteriously disappeared. You understand? [Exit door R.

Charles. But I say, captain! – He’s pitched into Nelly’s room. No matter. I’ll have him out as soon as I’ve finished with my visitor. Who can she be?

(Enter C., Miss Persis Grievous, tragically.)

Persis, C. You are Mr. Charles Cleverly?

Charles. At your service, madam.

Persis. Monster! Traitor! Arch conspirator!

Charles. Madam!

Persis. You are the friend of Dixon Dolby. My Dixie. You have enticed him from my loving presence; from me, the woman who adores him; for what?

Charles. A day’s sport, he says.

Persis. Sport! You are like the wicked boy, and I the innocent frog. What’s sport to you is death to me. Last night he told me of his proposed visit. This morning I found in his room beneath his pillow – for we both lodge beneath the same roof; and I, in his absence, enter his sanctum as a privileged guest of that dear and worthy Mrs. Sprygs, who lets rooms at five dollars per week, lights included —

Charles (aside). For particulars, see small bills.

Persis.– Beneath the pillow, which his ambrosial locks had pressed, I found this note, and this picture (shows photograph). Do you recognize it?

Charles (looks at photograph). Good heavens! My wife!

Persis. Your wife? Then you, like me, are a victim. I blush for my anger. Let us in each other’s arms mingle our tears (approaching Charles with arms extended).

Charles (backing to R.). Not just yet. Explain this, and at once.

Persis. Does it need explanation? Here is the picture, and here the note signed Rosa Bean. A clandestine correspondence. I see it all, at once. Under the pretext of a day’s sport, he comes here to make love to your wife.

Charles. The confounded scoundrel!

Persis. Speak gently of the erring. I love him. Yes, spite his faults, I love him still. I am here to save him – to save you. I am a succoring angel.

Charles. Give me that note (takes note). Not my wife’s handwriting; evidently disguised. O, Jenny, Jenny, have I lost-you?

Persis. O, Dixie, Dixie, have I lost you?

Dolby (outside). Hallo! Charley, old boy, where are you?

Persis. His voice. How it thr-r-r-ills me! But he must not see me here. Where can I hide? (Goes to door L.) In this room? Get him away, and I will return. Then we can make plans to circumvent them.

[Exit door L.

Charles. But, madam, that’s my wife’s room. She’s gone. Can I be awake? My Jenny corresponding with my friend! And he in love? O, it’s absurd!

(Dolby appears at door with a fishing-rod in case, a gun, and a scoop-net with handle, clumsily held in his arms; a game-bag swung one side, and a fishing-basket the other.)

Dolby. Ah, there you are, Charley. And here I am, armed and equipped as the law directs. (Attempts to enter; gun gets across the doorway. Backs and tries again; net gets across the doorway. Business repeated.) Well, well, this is getting interesting (enters). Ah! here we are (drops everything on floor, and runs to Charles, hands extended). How are you, old fellow? Alive and kicking? Domestic bliss and rural felicity? Happy chap!

Charles (shakes hands). Glad to see you, Dixie. Welcome.

Dolby. That’s hearty. Where’s your wife? Must see her, you know. I came to enjoy the beauties of the country, and you’ve the brightest and loveliest. I know you know – of course you know.

Charles (aside). He knows, confound him! (Aloud) She’s out just now. You shall see her.

Dolby. Now let’s see – what shall we do first? There’s fishing, hunting, and making love to a pretty girl. I’ve only a day, and we must crowd lots of fun into ten hours.

Charles. Well, what say you to lunch first?

Dolby. Nothing for me, save a glass of warm milk from the hands of a dairymaid. I’ve come down here to breathe the country air. Stop a moment. I forgot that (runs up to door C. and stands breathing hard, and striking his breast). Ah, that’s the sort; the invigorating air of the country. Ah! (with a long breath) there’s the first dose.

(Enter Nelly, R. Dolby comes down L.)

Charles. And here’s the dairymaid. My sister, Dixie. Mr. Dixon Dolby, Nelly.

Dolby. Ah, delightful (bows). What a pretty girl! What cheeks! What a shape!

Nelly. Your first visit to the country, Mr. Dolby?

Dolby. I’m ashamed to say it is, Miss Nelly. But it’s delightful; such a quantity of trees and grass; houses not quite so plenty.

Charles. Mr. Dolby would like a glass of milk.

Dolby. Yes, thank you; cow’s milk, if the cows are at leisure.

Nelly. O, quite. I’ll bring it at once. [Exit R.

Dolby. Charley, my boy, your sister’s a perfect beauty.

Charles. Sit down, Dolby (Dolby brings chair up to table L. Charles brings one down from back; they sit R. and L.) I had hopes that you would come down here heart-whole; but I learn that you are already engaged in a love affair.

Dolby. Don’t mention it (Persis opens door, steps out, and listens). The most absurd thing; a little country-house flirtation with a lady old enough to be my mother.

Persis. The wretch!

Dolby. Unfortunately, one evening I lay upon my bed, smoking and reading, with my door open into the passage, on the farther side of which is located the room of Miss Persis Grievous. Well, I dropped off to sleep, the pipe dropped from my mouth, and I was awakened by the cry of “fire,” and a brisk shaking from my female friend across the passage. I had set fire to the bed, which was easily put out; not so the flame which had been kindled in the breast of my fair but aged deliverer.

Persis. The heartless scoundrel!

Dolby. From that time she has pursued me with a relentless love. I cannot escape her.

Charles. And you are engaged?

Dolby. Not exactly. Pegoty is willing, but Barkis is not; for, Charley, I am in love with a phantom.

Charles. Then you’d better give up the ghost, and make Persis happy.

Dolby. No; I can never love but one, “Rosa Bean.” Isn’t that a pretty name? I’ll show you her face (hunts pockets). Confound it, I’ve left her photograph under my pillow!

Persis. O, the wretch! I’ll never forgive him – never – (disappears into room L.).

(Enter Nelly, R. with glass pitcher of milk and goblet.)

Nelly. Here’s the milk, Mr. Dolby.

Dolby. O, thank you (she fills goblet, standing behind table. Dolby drinks). Here’s your best health. Ah, what milk! I haven’t tasted anything like that since I was – a very little child.

Nelly. Can I bring you anything else?

Dolby. No, I’m obliged to you. By the way, is there a young lady in the neighborhood named “Rosa Bean”?

Nelly. “Bean” – “Bean” – No. There are no Beans here; there’s a Rosa Higgins about half a mile from here.

Dolby. O, she won’t do.

Charles. There are Rows of Beans in the garden; how will those suit, Dixie? Ha, ha, ha!

Nelly. To which I will introduce you at dinner. Good-bye till then. [Exit R.

Dolby. Good-bye (rises and puts back chair to L. Charles rises). Now, then, Charley, let’s try the fish (takes his pole and net).

Charles. Really, Dixie, I cannot leave the house just now. I’ll tell you what I’ll do. I’ll send my man with you, and join you soon (goes to door C.). Here, Careless! Careless!

Carlos (enter C.). Yes, sir. Here I am!

Charles. Careless, show this gentleman to the fishing-pond. (Dolby at back, busies himself with tackle.)

Carlos. Fishing-pond! Where’s that?

Charles (aside). Shut up, you fool! Behind the barn.

Carlos. Ho, ho, ho! that’s a pretty fishing-pond! Why, there’s nothin’ there ’cept skeeters!

Charles. Well, they bite, don’t they? You’d better take Towzer along with you, he wants exercise.

Carlos. Towzer? Why, he’s not sociable with strangers.

Charles. Do as I bid you.

Carlos. All right, Mister. Come along, sir – I’ll show you sport!

Dolby. That’s the sort.

Carlos. What kind of fishing do you like best? Do’nt make any difference here. (Aside) Have to fish a darn long spell afore you get any.

Dolby. Well, s’pose we try for cod – no, I mean mackerel. Any blue-fish about here?

Carlos. Ho, ho, ho!

Charles. Careless!

Carlos. Blue-fish? Wal, no; we’re out of blue-fish to-day. (Aside) Lord, he is green!

Dolby. No matter; lead me to the lake where sport the finny tribe.

Carlos. Funny what? Gosh all hemlock! thought you was going a fishing!

Dolby. O, come along, it’s getting late. Good-bye, Charley. Don’t forget I must see your wife.

[Exit C.

Carlos. Say, Mister, who’s agoin’ to dig the bait, say? [Exit C.

Charles. Still harping on my wife. I’ll know the meaning of this ere I am an hour older.

(Enter Persis from door L.)

Persis. At last he is gone, and we may arrange our plans.

Bobstay (opens door R.). Ahoy, Charley! (Persis screams, and runs into room L. Enter Bobstay.) Aha! a woman! Who is it? (Creeps across stage on tiptoe, and peeps into keyhole, door L.)

Charles (seizes him by arm and whirls him to R.). What are you about, captain? There’s a lady in that room.

Bobstay. I must have a peep at her (runs up and looks into keyhole). Ah, ha! ’tis she! (falls back into Charles’s arms).

Charles. She! Who?