A Virgin River Novel

“Grandpa could use more sleep,” Walt grumbled.

Vanessa made a face. “There’s no reason in the world he has to get up. He certainly can’t help me nurse the baby.”

“I wake up, that’s all. And if I’m up and Vanni’s up, I might as well see if she needs anything.”

Mel smiled at him. “That’s a good grandpa,” she said. “He’ll be sleeping through the night before you know it.”

“When did David sleep through the night?” Vanni asked of Mel’s one-year-old.

“The first time or the last time?” Mel asked. “You might not want to ask that—we have sleeping issues at our house. And now Jack lets him in the bed with us. Take my advice, don’t start that!”

Vanessa peered at Mel’s growing tummy. David had just turned a year and their second baby was due in May. “I hope you have a really big bed,” she said.

“There will be plenty of room when I kick Jack out of it. Come on—let’s look at Mattie first and take care of his shots.” Mel carried the baby back to the exam room with Vanessa following behind.

Mel had delivered little Matt right in Vanessa’s bedroom and their bond had grown deep and strong. It didn’t take long to determine the baby was at a good weight and in excellent health. “I’ll take him out to Walt while you get into a gown, how’s that?”

“Thanks,” Vanni said.

A few minutes later Mel was back. “Your dad took the baby over to Jack’s for a cup of coffee. And some male bonding, I suppose.”

Vanni had taken her place on the exam table, and Mel checked her heart, blood pressure, and got her in position for a pelvic. “Everything looks great. You had a wonderful delivery, Vanni—you’re in excellent shape. And boy, did you lose weight quickly. Isn’t breast-feeding a miracle?”

“I’m not back in my old jeans yet.”

“I bet you’re close. Go ahead, sit up,” Mel said, offering a hand. “Anything we should talk about?”

“Lots of things. Can I ask you something personal?”

“You can always ask,” Mel said while writing in the chart.

“I know that before you married Jack, you were widowed…”

Mel stopped writing. She closed the chart and looked at Vanni with a sympathetic smile. “I’ve been expecting this conversation,” she said.

“How long was it?” Vanni asked, and Mel knew exactly what she was referring to.

“I met Jack nine months after my husband’s death. I married him six months later. And if you confer with the town historian and gossips, you’ll learn that I was at least three months pregnant at the time. Closer to four.”

“We have a town historian?”

“About six hundred of them,” Mel said with a laugh. “If you have anything you’d like to keep secret, you should consider moving to another town.”

“Matt’s only been dead a few months, but he’s been gone almost a year…Mel, he wasn’t on a business trip. He was in combat, out of touch. I talked to him a total of three times, saw his face once on live video cam. The letters were short and sparse. It’s been a really long time since—”

Mel touched Vanni’s knee. “There’s no rule of thumb on this, Vanessa. Everything I’ve read, and I’ve read a lot about widowhood, says that when people enter new relationships relatively soon after losing a spouse, it indicates they had happiness in their marriage. Being married was a good experience for them.” She smiled.

“I didn’t even know for sure I was pregnant when Matt left for Iraq last May. I’m not thinking about another marriage, of course,” Vanni said. “But I am thinking about—Well, what I’m thinking is that I don’t want to be alone forever.”

“Of course you shouldn’t be alone forever. You have a lot of life to live.”

Vanni smiled. “Should I be thinking about birth control?”

“We can talk about that. You wouldn’t want to be as unprepared as your midwife. Especially with having a baby to take care of. Believe me.” She took a breath and ran a hand over her big belly. “I wouldn’t let myself think ahead! I remember when my sister said, ‘I know widows who have remarried, and are happy.’ I almost took her head off. I was appalled. I wasn’t at all hopeful life could go on.”

“It sure went on for you,” Vanni said.

“Boy howdy. I came here absolutely determined to live out my days lonely and miserable, but that damn Jack—he ambushed me. I think I fell in love with him the minute I met him, but I fought it. As though I might somehow be unfaithful to my husband’s memory by moving on, which was absurd. I had the kind of husband who would have wanted me to have love in my life, and I bet you did, too.”

“You don’t send a man off to war without talking a few things through—my parents taught me that. One of the first ways Tom and I figured out the general was headed for a possible deployment was when the paperwork came out. Wills, trusts, etcetera. Not just in case something happened to him, but what if he was away in some jungle or desert war zone and something happened to Mom?” She smiled a bit wistfully. “Matt didn’t dwell on the worst-case scenario, but he was quick and to the point. He said I wasn’t the type to wallow and he’d be disappointed in me if I did. He had a few requests—where he wanted to be buried, what to do with his favorite personal items, to make sure his parents got regular visits especially if we had children. And—if a good man showed his face, I was not to hesitate.” She took a breath. “My requests of him were almost identical.” She straightened. “If I’m lucky enough to run into another man half as wonderful as Matt, I should be ready.”

“Absolutely. It’s not at all impossible, even in little old Virgin River. Let’s get you something reliable while you’re considering all this. You want a pill you can take while breast-feeding? Can I hook you up with a diaphragm or IUD? Have you given the options any thought?”

Vanni smiled gratefully. Of course she’d thought about it. “Yes. IUD please.”

“Let’s go over the models,” Mel said. Then she smiled. “By the way, you’re all cleared for intercourse. Should you find…”

Vanni laughed. “Thanks,” she said.

“You have good judgment. Make sure there’s a condom involved. We don’t want the transmission of any—”

“I have good judgment,” Vanni repeated. “And extremely good taste.”

There was a man on Vanessa’s mind, he was the reason she’d found herself imploring Matt for help and blessings. Matt’s best friend; her best friend. Paul.

He spent months in Virgin River, supporting and comforting her, spending Christmas away from his parents, brothers and their families. They spent a lot of time talking about Matt; crying about Matt, lost in hours of sentimental remembering. Without Paul’s strength, she’d never have gotten through the worst of it. He was her rock.

Her relationship with Paul went back much further, of course. It wasn’t as though they became friends because of Matt’s death. In fact, that night long ago when she met Matt, it had been Paul across the room who’d first caught her eye. He was so tall, his legs so long and hands so big, it was hard for him not to stand out in a crowd. There was that willful, sandy hair that had to be kept short because it would defy any kind of styling. Not that Paul was the kind of man to fuss with his hair—it was obvious even from a distance that he stuck to basics. It was his masculinity she noticed; he looked like a lumberjack who’d cleaned up to go into town. He had an engaging smile; one tooth in front was just a little crooked and he had a dimple on the left cheek. Heavy brown brows, deep chocolate eyes—details she discovered a bit later, of course. She hadn’t even noticed Matt…

But it was Matt who put the rush on her, swept her off her feet, made her laugh, made her blush. While Paul hung back, shy and silent, Matt charmed her to her very bones. And shortly after the charm, he made her desire him madly, love him deeply. He was hardly a consolation prize—he was one of the best men in the world. And a devoted husband, so in love with her.

She loved Paul before Matt’s death, grew to love him more deeply afterward. When little Mattie was born, she said to Paul, “I will never love anyone but Matt.” But as the weeks passed she realized that she didn’t have to stop loving Matt any more than Paul should. Matt would be with them both forever. And it was like the natural order of things that Paul should step in now. But there was no indication from him that he felt anything more than a special friendship. She had no doubt that Paul loved her, loved little Matt, but it didn’t appear to be the kind of love that could warm her on cold nights.

She’d called him several times since he’d returned to Grants Pass; polite and entertaining conversations about the baby, the town and his friends here, about her dad and brother, even sometimes about Matt.

“The baby’s gained a pound and a half already,” she told him. “He’s already changed so much.”

“Who does he look like?” Paul asked. “Is his hair still dark or does he have a patch of fire on his head, like his mom?”

“Still just a little Matt,” she said. “I want you to see him. Hold him.” Hold me!

“I’ll have to try to get down there.”

He hadn’t visited yet. And he never betrayed any longing. Not a whiff of desire came through those phone lines.

She felt like a fool for even wanting him. But there was no denying it—she missed him so much. And not the way a young widow misses having a man in her life. The way a woman longs for a man who stirs her, moves her.

When Mel walked Vanni out to the clinic’s waiting room, Vanni spied her younger brother’s girlfriend waiting there. “Brenda!” Vanni said, going to her, giving her a hug. “I guess if there are only appointments on Wednesdays, there’s a good chance you’ll run into all your friends here,” she said with a laugh.

“I guess.” Brenda shrugged, blushing a little.

“I have to rescue my dad before he runs into a messy diaper. He’s got the baby at Jack’s. I’ll see you later—probably tonight at dinner?”

“Sure,” Brenda said. “Later.”

Vanni blew out the door and Brenda sank into her chair. The waiting room had been the old house’s front room and was decorated exactly so. Heavy cream-colored velvet draperies covered the front windows. They were pulled back with sashes and always remained open. An ancient sofa and settee, upholstered in burgundy velvet, were flanked by two wing chairs with curved wooden legs. The fabric on the chairs was yellow brocade that had long ago lost its luster. A few Gisele chairs with cane seats were spotted around the room, which, itself, was rarely full. There was only Mel and Doc Mullins to see patients, so unless someone wandered in, the appointments were spaced comfortably apart.

Brenda had an elbow on her knee and her forehead rested in her hand. “Whew,” she said weakly. “Of course I’d have to run into Vanessa. Crap.”

Mel grabbed Brenda’s chart. She just chuckled and went to her, pulling her to her feet. “Don’t worry about that. Come on, let’s check you out.”

“But it’s Tommy’s sister! What if she asks me why I was here?”

“Brenda, Brenda, that’s not going to be a problem.” Mel pulled her along to the exam room. While Brenda stood by the door, Mel stripped off the disposable paper from the exam table and refreshed it. Then she handed Brenda a gown. Mel flipped open the chart and said, “So—you’re here about concern over heavy periods…”

“Yeah, but…”

“I know,” Mel said. “Except, they’re fine.”

“Fine,” Brenda said shyly. “I need birth control pills…” She looked down and Mel just lifted her chin with one finger.

“Sure. I know,” Mel said. “But if Vanessa ever asks you why you were here, you just say you were concerned about your periods and I checked you, told you everything was just fine. How’s that?”

“Really?”

“I don’t talk about patients’ business,” Mel said. “Put on the gown. We’ll have a checkup. We’ll talk about why you’re really here. And Brenda—everything is going to be fine.”

“My mom doesn’t know I’m doing this,” she said. “She thinks it’s my periods.”

“Okay,” Mel said, but she knew Sue Carpenter was pretty sharp. Chances were good she knew exactly what was going on. After all, Tommy and Brenda had been steadies since the start of school and there was no question they were real serious. “I’ll be back in five,” Mel said, leaving the room.

Few seventeen-year-old girls felt comfortable discussing birth control with even the closest of mothers. When Mel returned and Brenda was gowned and ready, she said, “I’ll need to update your pap and, if you don’t mind, I’d like to do a check on you for STDs to be sure there’s nothing we should treat. Should we talk about emergency birth control?”

“Huh?”

“Have you recently had unprotected intercourse?”

“No,” she said. “Thing is, Tommy won’t come near me without my own birth control, even though he has…you know…”

“Condoms,” Mel supplied.

“Yeah. He says that’s not good enough.”

“Well, God bless him,” Mel said. This darling girl, a gifted student who would very likely get lots of offers for full-ride scholarships, had been the victim of a sexual assault less than a year ago, before Tom had moved here. She’d gone to a beer party in the woods with a bunch of teenagers, intending to have one sneaky beer, and three months later, discovered she was pregnant without having the first idea how that could have happened. If that wasn’t bad enough, Brenda had had a raging case of Chlamydia, which may have contributed to a spontaneous miscarriage.

Mel performed her examination, did some tests, gave her a three-month supply of contraceptives and a prescription and said, “I want to commend you for taking care of your health, Brenda. I know it can be scary to ask for this kind of help when you’re young. But you’re wise to take precautions.”

“What if my mom asks you about this?”

“She probably won’t, but if she does, I’ll tell her that you’re doing just fine.”

“You think that’ll do it?”

“Oh, honey, I’ve gotten very, very good at not telling things. Ask Jack,” she added with a laugh. “You can start taking these right now, but they won’t be effective for two weeks. Try to remember to take them at the same time every day—like right before bed or as soon as you get up in the morning. That will increase the reliability.”

“He’s going away, you know,” Brenda said a little emotionally. “Right after graduation he goes into basic, then West Point.”

Mel put a hand against the girl’s soft, pretty hair. “First of all, you wouldn’t want any other kind of boyfriend—he’s an overachiever and will be a huge success. Cream of the crop. Second, just because you have pills doesn’t mean you have to do anything that you’re not ready for. With me?”

She nodded.

“He’ll be back for leave and vacations. There will be lots of letters between you—wonderful letters.”

She nodded again but said, “E-mails.”

“Just as good. These pills are for your health and safety, Brenda. You don’t have to send him off with something to remember. Don’t be pressured.”

“Oh, I’m not. I understand what you’re saying,” she said softly. “Tom would never pressure me. Besides, I love him.”

Mel smiled. “How nice for you. He’s a very special young man. And you, my dear, are a very special young woman. You’re completely in charge of your body—always remember that.”

Nikki Jorgensen pulled up in front of the Booth ranch and gave the horn a toot before getting out. When she let herself into the house, Vanni was sitting on the floor beside the baby. Little Matt was lying on a small baby quilt with toys he was entirely too young to enjoy spread around him.

“Hurry up,” Vanni said. “He’s smiling!”

Nikki threw her purse in a chair and knelt on the floor opposite Vanni. They were so unalike—Vanni being a statuesque redhead and Nikki small and dark, her black hair falling down her back almost to her waist in a straight, silky sheath. Vanni was bold; Nikki was quiet and hated confrontation. Nikki liked to say that while she was studying the latest hairstyles in high school, Vanni, the military brat, was learning to pack a house in six hours and navigate Customs in foreign countries.

They spent a few minutes making faces at the baby until Vanni finally said, “I can’t wait to tell Paul he’s smiling for real.”

And that alone plunged them into silence. “Have you heard from Paul?” Nikki finally asked in a gentle voice.

Vanni shook her head, looking away. “Well, I call him. A couple of times every week. But he’s only called here once.”

“Oh, Vanni,” Nikki said, sympathetic.

“Never mind. He’s probably relieved he doesn’t have any obligation to the Widow Rutledge anymore…”

“I’m sure that’s not it,” Nikki said, giving Vanni’s thick, red mane a stroke.

“A couple of months ago it never occurred to me I’d have feelings for him. I mean, these kind of feelings. I thought of him as my ballast, my rock. And then slowly, he started to mean more to me than that. Since he left…I miss him so much. And not just because he was a supportive friend.”

“Who more likely for you to be attracted to than someone who misses Matt as much as you do? Who loves little Mattie as much as Matt would himself? Besides, it’s not like you just met him—he’s been around since the day you met Matt! You know him better than anyone. You certainly don’t have to wonder what kind of man he is.”

“I’m just afraid…I’m not sure I’m ready to really let go of Matt.”

Nikki laughed. “Vanni, you don’t have to let go of Matt any more than Paul does. He’ll be part of you and Paul forever.”

Vanni gave her a thankful smile, lifting a tawny brow. “That’s what I’ve been thinking lately. It’s not like it has to be a choice, does it?”

“No way, babe.”

“So, how are things with you and Craig?”

Nikki’s smile vanished. “The same. Not good. I gave him an ultimatum. Commitment or we’re over. He just keeps saying he needs time. But how much time? It’s been five years. He knows I want a family, and my clock isn’t standing still.”

Vanni shook her head, doubtful. “He’ll never give you up,” Vanni said, but truthfully, she feared Nikki would never leave him even if he didn’t give her a tenth of what she needed.

Nikki lifted her chin. “Oh, yeah? You a betting woman?”

“Nikki, do you mean it this time? Really?”

Nikki touched the baby’s foot. “I’m not going through life without at least a shot at this,” she said. “I’m selfish. I want it all. And things have been nonnegotiable with Craig on all of it.”

Paul had been back in Grants Pass for just over six weeks. He’d had that evening with Terri and had promised her he’d be in touch. When she came to him at work and asked if he could sneak away for a conversation, he figured it was about the fact that he hadn’t called as he’d promised.

But no.

He folded his long legs up into her little Toyota parked in front of his office and said, “What’s up?” Through some nervous tears, she explained that she was pregnant and hadn’t been with anyone but him.

“Pregnant?” he repeated stunned. “Pregnant?”

“Yeah,” she said. “It happened that night after you got back to town. You remember. It was a pretty intense night. You can’t have forgotten.”

“How in the world did that happen? You said you were on the pill. I wore a condom.”

“I don’t know,” she said, sniffing. “It’s probably my fault. I’m sorry.”

“Your fault?” he asked. “How?”

“I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long, I got a little sloppy with the pills, missing them sometimes. Your call—it came as a surprise. I hadn’t heard from you in such a long time and I couldn’t pass up seeing you. But you had the condom and I was sure we’d be okay…I don’t know what went wrong. It must have been me missing pills, you having a faulty condom…I can’t think of any other explanation…”

“Aw, man,” he said. He took a deep breath. “Okay,” he said, getting a grip on his panic. “Okay, tell me what you need,” he said, taking her hand and holding it in both of his.

“Any possibility marriage might come to mind?”

He didn’t even have to think about it. There was someone else; there’d been someone else for a long, long time. “God, Terri, we can’t get married. What did you call us—friends with benefits? We’re consenting adults who like and respect each other and that’s a lot, but at the same time, not enough. You’re important to me, but we don’t have the kind of relationship that would get us married. Keep us married.”

“That’s a little beside the point right now,” she said.

“We don’t really know each other. Not really.”

“We know each other well enough that I’m pregnant.”

“I take this to mean you’ve decided you want to have the baby?”

“I’m almost thirty,” she said, bristling. “I’m not getting rid of it.”

“Okay, okay, good,” Paul said, relieved in spite of common sense telling him this could be taken care of; it could disappear. He did not want to be in this position, but he didn’t want this baby erased, either. “I can help financially. I can do my best to support you emotionally. I swear, I’ll stand by you. But, Terri, anything more than that would be a mistake for both of us.”

“Why?” she asked, tears springing to her eyes.

He put an arm around her and held her against his shoulder as much as he could, given the tight space in her car. “Lots of reasons, starting with, before anything happened between us, we had a conversation about us—neither of us was looking for anything serious. We’ve been together, what? Three times in a year? Four? God, I’m sorry, Terri, but the night this happened, that’s the closest we’ve ever been, and that happened because I was messed up and you were sweet enough to give me an ear. Honey, we’re just not in love.”

“How do you know I’m not?” she asked.

“We’ve spoken once in the last six months. If you had those kind of feelings, I never suspected.” He tightened his arm around her. “Terri, you’re so special and wonderful. But here we are, two people who can go six months without talking, without seeing each other.” He shook his head. “I knew that night was a mistake. I went too deep into my feelings and you got too attached. But it’s just not the real thing. It was my crisis, your compassion that got us where we are today. Marrying you now would only get in the way of you finding what you really need. And believe me, you don’t need me.”

“What am I going to do?”

Selfishly he thought, what am I going to do? “Whatever you want to do, I’ll help in every way I can. I’m sorry, but you deserve a husband who loves you as much as you love him.”

“But I’m having your baby!” she said desperately.

“I’ll do whatever I can, Terri, except marriage. It wouldn’t last. It could make us enemies and we have to do better than that.”

“Would I be such a terrible choice for a wife?” she asked pitifully.

There was absolutely nothing wrong with Terri, nothing. The problem was with him. He found Terri attractive, desirable, funny and sweet, which was how he’d ended up with her at the time Vanni was married to his best friend. He’d have given anything to fall in love. When he thought of Vanni his blood pressure shot up and his heart pounded. When he thought of Terri, a smile came to his lips because she was so cute, because she made him laugh and because she was just plain good people. When he thought of Vanni, he was filled with fear and lust and ridiculous hope. He liked Terri; he was totally crazy for Vanni and had been for years. He didn’t know why. He suspected an evil curse made him want something he could never have.

It wasn’t fair to Terri; it wasn’t right, nor was it the easy way. But it was what it was. His testosterone kicked up when he was with Terri because she was seductive, pretty, available and he was alone. He was just a man; sometimes it was nice to have a woman in his life. Calling Terri after Matt’s death when the only woman in the world he wanted to be with was Vanni had been a critical mistake. But he’d been so desperate for understanding, for friendship.

“I think you’ll make someone a wonderful wife, when you find the right man,” he said. “I’m not the guy, but I’ll do whatever I have to do to be a part of this, Terri. I won’t run, I won’t hide. And God, Terri, I’m sorry. I sure didn’t mean for this to happen.”