Simple Truths of Life

But I still wanted to know the truth about who I really fell in love with at first sight. In fact, I was still in love. Sometimes I even began to wonder myself what if she was really fourteen years old… What if I just did not take a good enough look at her, or maybe the lack of communication with people in my life affected my ability to determine the age? I decided to check that by walking near local schools at three o’clock when high school students finished their classes. The girls looked to be clear teenagers, and I could easily say that they were of school age. Also I could not help but see the strangeness, if not absurdity, of my “investigation”, but I could not stop, as I had already been punished more than once for my passivity in the matter of love and personal life.

I often listened to music on YouTube before going to bed. The day when I fell asleep while still wearing headphones was no exception. I woke up at the very first chords of the song “She's Like the Wind” performed by Patrick Swayze. I have already seen this song more than once in the recommendations, but I could not click on it because it reminded me of the cancer, because of which the actor died, and which I could have had. I did not want to think about the bad stuff. But here came the moment when it was no longer possible to run from reality. Also, I could not help but think about the blonde for the whole time the song was playing. It was clear why I was awakened to this particular song. I think that my Higher Self woke me up so that I could learn something new for myself and improve my life.

The other day, I also fell asleep with the music turned on, and woke up to Bon Jovi's “Runaway”. A young girl was dancing in the music video. I was sure she was about eighteen years old. But when I found the actress in that video on IMDb, it became clear that she was about 13 years old at the time. I was mistaken by the whole 5 years! I began to doubt again what I saw when my gaze crossed with that of the blonde girl.

Because of this, I had to take strange measures, one of which was to get a letter from the man’s mailbox to find out his name. Having returned the letter back, I went to the social networks for my searches. I had to dig a fair amount, but I was able to find his page in VK. Then I found the page of their daughter. She was beautiful, wrote openly about sex on her page, but it was clear that she was not the cause of my sleepless nights. Nevertheless, after going all this way, I had to be one hundred percent sure. I carefully asked her if she was walking along with me in the corridor that day. The next day I was blocked by her, which is not surprising, and I had one unread message from her father. He cautiously threatened me with “conflict situations” if I continued to interfere with his family. I explained the situation to him and the fact that I was a spiritual person and did not wish anything bad to anyone.

In fact, I did not need to write to the daughter, as the answer was obvious when I found out that the man’s wife lived in another city where her fourteen-year-old daughter studied. And then looking at his friends list, I finally found the answer to the question that tormented me for more than a month.

I was not at all surprised by the fact that that blonde with a short haircut to her shoulders was called Nastya – a name that often played an important role in my life. I began to look through her photos where in addition to her daughter and striptease photos, I often saw her with another dark-skinned girl with dark hair. It seemed to me that I had already seen her somewhere, and then I remembered what I decided to forget a few years earlier because of my mental pain and inability to find a girlfriend!

A few years ago, I was walking down the corridor to my apartment where I met the same man with a dog. I remembered this because I remember for sure that looking at him, I thought that he could not have a beautiful girlfriend. It calmed me, even though this thought was erroneous. After a short while, I was returning home and climbed the stairs. In front of me walked a slender blonde girl. Even though I did not see her face, I immediately fell in love with her at first sight! What was my disappointment when she rang the doorbell of the apartment that the man and the dog had come out of several days earlier! Alas, at that time I decided to masturbate my bitterness away on a porn site, and then I tried to distract my mind with something else. But there was another day when, going to the door of my apartment after a walk, I saw that same blonde, the man, and the dark-skinned girl. They were clearly joyful and were about to go inside. It was obvious that the blonde was saying something about me. Maybe my long hair was the reason, or maybe there was something else… I do not know. But the fact that a beautiful girl whom I liked laughed at me could not but bring bitterness into my life, and I tried to escape from reality – in imagination, in work, and in video games.

Remembering all this, I realized that I fell in love with that blonde at first sight twice. Yes, it may seem strange, but it is a fact.

It was also very upsetting for me to know that they had a threesome. I saw this as a retribution for watching pornography, where threesome is a fairly common theme, and I sometimes watched such videos.

I also remembered the fact that I saw the little daughter who was going up the stairs in front of me one day. She rang to that same man’s apartment. With all these facts, I had no more questions. Out of curiosity I asked the found blonde girl whether she had ever been in my house, to which she said no. That was to be expected – the man hastened to call someone on the street, right after I asked his wife in the corridor about the blonde.

This was an important moment in my life. Not only did I not give up halfway, but I again found out that I needed to trust myself and not doubt that which I had ever seen, because I was right about the whole actual situation from the very beginning, when I talked with the man’s wife, but I allowed doubt to obscure logic and common sense in me.

I was upset that I continued to be lonely, but life went on, and I continued to go out every day for a walk. It helped me recover in health – a calm walk is good for us.

I very often began to see the woman in blue on the street. Usually, she did not pass nearby. As our paths crossed, I began to think more and more about her. I understood that a single girl would hardly get such a big dog that she had. Soon we began to see each other so often that simply passing by was somewhat not decent. I decided that the next time I saw her, I would definitely walk up to her and talk about something and try to find out if she was with someone.

The very next day I saw her with some man. While he was talking with his friend, she began to cross the tram tracks. The man followed her. She walked by, looking at me and smiling. I noted in my head that it was her husband – 99.9%. And I definitely did not want to torment myself because of 0.1%…

At that time, I had little success in other areas of my life too. So, I made an appointment with the dentist to try to fix my lateral tooth that had been making itself felt for many months, if not years.

During this period of my life, I began to notice one feature about myself which I simply called asymmetry. Some of my actions were almost the exact opposite of my thoughts. For example, I imagined having sex with different girls, but at the same time I really did not like that some people did it for one-night stand; I consider it immoral. Asymmetry was also present in my physical body. I remember how a teacher told me in high school that I was all asymmetrical. One of those asymmetries was on the bridge of my nose, and the other had to do with pupils of different diameters. But it never really bothered me, since it was always a part of me.

On the day I had to go to the dentist, I decided to take a walk not far from home. Usually walking calmed the rhythm of my heart and normalized my breathing, which also positively affected my psychological state.

Walking close to the tram tracks, I saw that same girl in blue with the dog. She walked in the very place where I saw her with the man some time ago. I looked at her and she saw it. At that very moment, she sharply looked around to see if a tram was driving, and then she with the dog began to quickly cross the tram tracks separating us. All this time I continued to walk forward. I heard her steps behind me and tried to prepare myself for a conversation that I thought would be inevitable, since I did not see any other reason why she had crossed the tracks so abruptly at the sight of me. But instead, she quickly walked past me to the lawn where she began to spin around with her dog. Because there was another woman next to her, I was too shy to approach her…

I had to wait a long time in line for the dentist. I was worried. The heart would not calm down. And then came my turn. I was not sure about local anesthesia, but nothing bad happened. As was shown in my old dream, caries extended too deeply. They had to remove the nerve, but managed to save the tooth, although a tooth pin had to be put.

All tooth filling procedures took several weeks, and then I got three more teeth filled.

After my first visit to the dentist, I began to wonder why the girl with the dog decided to go so abruptly in my direction. She could calmly walk to the lawn the way she originally walked. Moreover, that path was much safer, since there were tiles on the turn which were laying on the same level with the tram tracks. In the place where she decided to go, she had to step over the paths, as a result of which the risk of injury was much higher.

This is something that I learned about on my neck when in the frost I put my foot on the steel rail and the sudden slipping led my foot to the right so sharply that the transmitted impulse to my neck was felt for several minutes in the form of very severe pain. I was lucky that there was no fracture, and from that moment I either cross the tracks where the concrete blocks lie, or I do not step on the metal. Then, if for some reason she was afraid of me, she could go the other way, and not go behind me. Having all this data, I thought that maybe that man was her brother, and she just wanted to meet me, giving me such a peculiar hint.

I also thought about the reason for love at first sight. Then I began to often search on Google for everything that bothered and interested me. Love was no exception, and I was surprised to find out that some people do not believe that love at first sight exists. I thought they were skeptics, but maybe they do not believe that you can just fall in love with a person at first sight, and not become obsessed with him.

One way or another, I could not help but notice that exactly half my life had passed since I fell in love at first sight with another blonde, when I was 14 years old, and I was in the 9th grade. And the fact that it was playing “Half Life” that I gained lip asymmetry made me think even more strongly that there was a spiritual meaning behind all these events.

Reflecting on love at first sight, I came to the conclusion that, perhaps, both blonde girls played an important role in one of my past lives. Perhaps I loved them then, and, being in close physical proximity to them, remembered this love? Like the love for Natasha surging over me again with great force when my block was destroyed. Why then did not they fall in love with me at first sight? Perhaps they never loved me the way I loved them? In any case, this is only a theory, an attempt to find meaning in everything that happened…

It was about three in the afternoon when I went outside. Heavy snow started to fall, but it did not bother me. Suddenly I saw a familiar figure walking with a dog. Due to snowfall and severe darkness, I did not dare to approach the girl so as not to frighten her. In addition, she obviously turned her head away from me when she passed me. When I walked a bit further and turned around to look at her, she did the same.

It is worth saying that another reason why I did not get to know her then was the fact that I was paralyzed at the thought of meeting a girl. Once I did not take seriously the question of the girl playing basketball which hinted to me that I was really afraid of women. Now I could no longer lie to myself – I really felt fear, being next to the girl I liked, and with whom I wanted to talk.

There was a moment when I was passing near a house, and then there was a squeak of the opening door in the entrance. That same girl with a dog was coming out from there. It seemed to me that she wore a red winter hat under the hood. I said: “Hello!” – and she answered likewise, going further. I did not approach her.

Several weeks passed, and it was January 2017.

It was Friday the 13th when I again saw the young woman in blue. She went with her dog to the dog park. I realized then that this was a great chance for getting to meet her, and I could not miss it.

The young woman threw the dog’s toy too hard, and it flew over the fence. She went after it, and I thought to meet her at the gate to the dog park. But the woman went by a long way to another gate.

On the one hand, it was clear to me that she was not interested in talking with me, but on the other hand I could not just leave, as I had already done this more than once and bitterly regretted that I was weak when I needed to be strong. The second hand outweighed the first.

I went to the other entrance, took courage, took a breath, and said something like “Hello!” to the back of the woman. I think that she turned only after the second, louder greeting. It turned out that her hair was dyed dark-red. I explained to her that I lived nearby and decided to get to know her. She replied that she was very pleased. I told her my name, and she told me hers – Marina.

At that moment, I immediately remembered Marina with dark red hair, because of whom my mother had a big argument and broke up with my father! As a spiritual person, I knew that it was not just a coincidence that the first girl I met in this life face to face was called Marina, and she dyed her hair dark red.

A moment later, a man with a small dog approached the gate. He asked me if I wanted to go in and shut the gate. He and Marina began to talk, and she obviously did not pay any attention to me. Starting to feel heartache, I began to leave slowly and silently. After a few steps, I could not help but notice the laughing janitor. I realized that he saw absolutely everything and laughed at me. I started to feel even worse.

I came home completely dispirited.

Going to bed, I began to watch the stream from WELOVEGAMES.

I could not hold back the tears that evening, while other people had a good time. But I also saw a smoldering spark of joy within me. After all, for the first time in my life I did what I had to do half my life back when I was 14 years old – I approached to meet the girl I liked.

Chapter 8. Simple Truths

I think that because of the often-used imagination, I started to think again what if I left early? Perhaps she wanted to talk to me, but she just wanted to talk to her acquaintance first? Plus, I never found out if she had anyone. I decided to approach her again to answer my questions.

I did not have to wait too long near her house when she went out to walk the dog. She saw me and went the other way. I headed towards her, but she went to the sidewalk. I tried to call her, but she did not turn around and continued to walk forward. I must say, I do not know if I spoke loudly enough. My mother’s sister used to say that I was very quiet, and she did not hear what I was saying. The fact that it was hard for me to speak because of the still present fear did not help me either. The same can be said about the noisy road, near which we walked.

I do not remember how, but I finally caught up with her. We said hello. Since I was afraid of dogs, I asked if hers did not bite. I was a little surprised that Marina clearly emphasized that the dog might bite if someone attacks. Her intonation showed that she had a distrust of me. But why? After all, I recently met her, and she said that she was very pleased.

However, she willingly agreed to go with me.

We came to the dog park and started talking about different things. During the conversation, I saw that there were no rings on the fingers of her hands, and I thought that she was not married and single. Seeing how willingly she spoke to me, I thought that I would have a girlfriend. But just when I thought about it, she mentioned something about her husband. I expressed my surprise, and she, in turn, was surprised that I did not know. It turned out that the man with whom I saw her was indeed her husband for 13 years. She mentioned that they studied together after school, but did not date. He took her to him when he bought a motorcycle from her brother. I remembered it well, as I was somewhat surprised how easily some people can find their love.

This news subsequently influenced me, because before that I did not want to “just” meet with an unknown person. I needed a backstory, something unusual, and for this I needed to have acquaintances whom I no longer had. I think this was because in childhood I often fell in love with girls and because of this I did not think that you could find your love just by meeting people on the street; I did not understand that you can fall in love with one another just in the process of conversation.

I remember how she told me: “It’s so boring” – when I told her that I walked along the street almost every day. It was this very boredom that at one time served as the reason that I continued to use my imagination for wrong purposes. Had I known of another way to remove boredom, I could have already lived with a wife and children…

Marina and I had several similar things. For example, we both studied German at school, and learned English later. Then I mentioned that it is hard to meet people when you are 28 years old and many girls already have someone, to which she playfully answered with the question: “Not like at 15?” – I talked about my stuttering when I was fifteen years, and it turned out that her father also stuttered before.

She also mentioned the single mothers and the “exorcism” of stuttering. I told her about my knowledge regarding stuttering and its real nature, and as for single mothers – if they had somewhere written or shown that they were “single”, then perhaps I could indeed try to talk with them for a possible acquaintance. I do not know why she told me this.

I, in turn, very briefly mentioned to Marina about how I fell in love with the blonde girl. But as soon as I found out that she was sleeping with a married man, I stopped liking that girl as quickly as I fell in love with her. Marina said then: “Oh, Lord!” – when I spoke about the man cheating on his wife.

I do not remember how we said goodbye, but I remember that the other day I saw her at the dog park again. I already had all the answers to my questions, but decided to come over to say hello, because I wanted to keep her company, thinking that maybe she was bored.

She did not immediately turn to me again. But when she spoke, I again went inside the dog park.

She asked me if I knew some girl. Katya. I did not know her, but for some reason she insisted on the contrary. Then she asked if I went for a walk in Sokolniki Park and at the same time met the girls there. I could not at that time tell her the truth about my health and the reasons for such health. To walk to Sokolniki would be a real test for me at that time, since I felt not quite at ease even a few hundred meters from my house.

Our conversation was interrupted by a guy who came with his dog to the dog park. He introduced himself and greeted me. I did the same.

He and Marina began to talk, and Marina never once looked in my direction again. Not that it was very important, since she had a husband. The abundance of obscene language also did not force her to turn away from her interlocutor. And anyway, it did not seem that such speech was at all embarrassing for her. But my ears were slightly hurt, and this was so despite the fact that I myself often swear with bad words – one of the habits that I try to remove from my life.

I thought how to fit into the conversation, so as not to be silent. When they talked about a local car collector, I decided to ask a clarifying question. During the time that I was speaking, the guy had a clear shock and surprise on his face, and he glanced briefly in the direction of Marina, who, in turn, looked intently at him. I do not remember that she was smiling, but I perfectly understood what they were thinking at that moment. When leaving, the guy did not say goodbye to me, but just walked to the gate of the dog park while looking at the ground, and then left, leaving the fragile Marina with a stranger, whose facial expressions shocked many people.

But then I thought that if the asymmetry of my lip could be the cause of their reaction?

Marina and I walked together to her house and said goodbye. Since she was clearly not bored and lonely, I decided not to approach her anymore.

There was one moment when I was going home and our paths crossed – in fact, I specifically went so that they would cross, forgetting about my decision not to approach her – but when I was a few meters from her, she began to look around, obviously looking for where to “escape”. I decided not to torment her more than I had already tortured her with my existence, and only politely greeted her and walked by without stopping.

On another day, our paths crossed again. She obviously revolved around her dog so that her back was constantly turned towards me. I silently walked on. I was very hurt then, since I did not want her anything bad, but she did not even want to just say hello to me.

We saw each other a couple more times when she walked with her dog and some man. Then she greeted me first.

Then there was a recent case when she decided to go to another cash desk in a store at the sight of me paying for groceries.

I have seen her during other times, but I never came up to her again, since I respect the freedom of choice and will…

I clearly saw that one of the periods of my life came to an end, and it was time for a new one.

Therefore, I was not at all surprised by the fact that the two pigeons who had been flying to my windowsill for many years almost simultaneously stopped doing so soon after I met Marina. I realized that they were dead.

One of them flew to me when I had just found Thiaoouba Prophecy and needed help. His almost daily visits made my days brighter, helping to distract me from life’s burdens. And so, when I was able to start getting up face to face with the consequences of my mistakes, with reality, I no longer needed outside help. And if once upon a time I mourned the pigeon I was so used to, mistakenly thinking that he was dead, now I took his real death as something that had to happen. My feathered friend fulfilled his role in the Universe…

Although my experience with Marina had a lot of ridiculous moments because of my stiffness and lack of communication experience, it also showed me that nothing too terrible had happened. Moreover, she even tried to help me with advice.

Once I was walking in a park near a pond. I was in a cap, which I always wore then, as I was very shy to show my balding head. There was a girl sitting on one of the benches. I decided that I would try to get to know her. I sat on the next bench from her. My heart was pounding, and I could not attain the focus of attention. A myriad of thoughts spun in my head. Finally, I remembered that we live in the present, and I need to learn to get acquainted with girls now, and not in the future that will never come. Taking a deep breath, I sat down with her and… asked something stupid about why she was sitting on the bench and whether she was waiting for someone. She said she was waiting for a female friend. Then I started to say something else, and when she looked at me, she immediately told me: “Sit, sit,” and left. I did not understand what was the reason for such a sharp departure. I was embarrassed, and turning around I saw a guy looking at me; all this time he was sitting on a bench behind me.

I went to another place and sat down to think about what happened.

After standard self-flagellation and remembering all the mistakes I made, I finally managed to leave only the facts. I realized that, firstly, when I spoke, I had a distorted facial expression reflecting everything that was happening in my head, and secondly, I did not tell her that I wanted to get to know her. There was a chance that she simply did not understand what I wanted from her and thought that I wanted to drive her off the bench or something like that. Naturally, I just wanted to talk, and would leave if she asked me to.