All That Is Left Of Us

Dawn watched Caitlin catch sight of Archie in the distance, just as Dawn had easily spotted Caitlin’s husband.

‘Should I go?’

‘He just needs his routine.’ Dawn didn’t know how to explain it without giving an actual demonstration of why it was best to stick to Archie’s boundaries.

‘I’ll go then.’

This wasn’t how she’d wanted this to happen, but then she’d been caught unawares. She should never have mentioned the fact they came to the zoo. ‘He’s normally better if he knows when he’s going to meet new people. Maybe after the baby we can sort something out.’

Out of the corner of Dawn’s eye she saw Archie stop his note-taking to get up and speak to the keeper, contradicting everything she was saying about meeting new people.

‘I’ll be in touch another time, then?’ Caitlin got up to leave.

‘Another time,’ Dawn said, too distracted by Archie’s interaction with someone she didn’t know to focus on any goodbyes with Caitlin.

The keeper was new. This was only the third time she’d seen him and, for all her talk of him not taking to change, Archie appeared to be happily chatting to this guy. Caitlin would think she’d made up what she’d said as an excuse.

She hoped she hadn’t come across as rude. She was too busy concentrating on Archie as he had a tic. It was all it took for her to know he might be irritated and any second now she might have to intervene. Archie freaking out was never a pretty sight.

Somehow, rather than go into meltdown, Archie was now opening his notepad and showing the keeper, obviously giving him a rundown of everything he needed to know. If Archie was happy to share his notes, the keeper was likely to be stuck there for some time.

Dawn attempted to get back to the sketch she hadn’t started, but really she was keeping a close eye on what was happening. Archie was pointing into the enclosure, then referring to his book, the keeper concentrating on every detail. The knowledge Archie was sharing was as in-depth as any zoologist’s. She was glad to see someone might be finding that information useful.

Archie was only halfway through the notebook and, as he seemed so happy with a captivated audience, it would be a shame to ruin the moment, so she left them to it for a while longer.

As the bench became more and more uncomfortable, Dawn decided to get up for a stretch and waddled in Archie’s direction to check he was okay. Or if the keeper needed to escape.

‘Gosh, that bench is uncomfortable,’ Dawn said, as a way of interrupting their chatter.

‘This is my mum,’ Archie introduced her. ‘She can’t tell who any of them are.’

‘Well, it is pretty complicated. Hi there!’ The keeper waved. He must have been around forty and was a tad old to be sporting dreadlocks, but he seemed friendly enough.

‘Mum is going to have a baby, but we can’t keep it.’

It was nice to know her son was as eloquent as ever. ‘My name’s Dawn,’ she said, somehow preferring her version of introductions.

‘Hello, Dawn. I’m Joel, and so far I can tell you who Elvis and Evelyn are. You’ll have to give me a bit longer to figure out the rest.’

‘He’s going to photocopy my notes if that’s okay, Mum?’

‘Of course.’ It was nice to think that Archie’s obsession would actually be useful for someone.

It was only the following day, when they were heading to David and Rebekah’s house for Sunday lunch, that she realised it was the first time Archie had initiated communication with someone off his own back. People would often talk to him, but that didn’t mean he would ever reply, not without a lot of persuasion over several meetings. It was refreshing to think it had happened without her intervention.

When they arrived Rebekah embraced Dawn and held on to her for longer than was comfortable, but she got that it wasn’t just her she was hugging. ‘Any signs that today’s the day?’

‘Nope. Honestly, I’ll let you know as soon as I have the slightest suspicion.’

‘Hey, sis,’ David greeted her from the kitchen where he was putting the finishing touches to dinner. Roast beef if her sense of smell was anything to go by. That was one bonus of her current status. Most of the time it was her cooking their Sunday roasts while Archie saw to his pet, Norman the tarantula. It was always David and Rebekah coming to their flat, but the more pregnant she became, the more they realised she needed a rest rather than cooking dinner for all four of them. So, with gentle persuasion, Archie had allowed a change of venue until the baby arrived.

‘The nursery is finished now. Do you want to come and see?’

Archie wouldn’t be interested, so Dawn sent him off to be entertained by Uncle David while she followed Rebekah up the stairs. The house was semi-detached with four bedrooms, so they had ample space for an extra addition. The house was pristine and in every empty corner there seemed to be a sense of waiting. Wanting, even.

‘We’re pretty much finished. Obviously Junior will be in with us at first, but I’ve got a fold-out bed for the nursery if I need it for when David goes back to work.’

In the nursery everything was perfect. They’d gone with a jungle theme so it was stone-coloured walls with those clever stickers that meant colour was added in moments. There were giraffes and lions and everything matched. The curtain material, the bed lining, even the nappy bin, were adorned with a sticker to fit in with the rest of the furniture.

It wasn’t anything like how it had been when Archie arrived. After securing the flat, it was David who’d sourced all the second-hand furniture and non-matching fittings. It was flung together rather than planned like this space was.

Dawn wanted to look in the wardrobe. She wanted to admire the tiny neutral outfits she knew were waiting in there, but just seeing the room was enough to know this child was so wanted and would be so loved.

It was nice to see that, now the day was nearly upon them, they were starting to embrace the idea of parenthood being only a few steps away. And it was hard to see how much better off this little one would be compared to all the second-hand stuff she’d always needed to get Archie. But then this wasn’t just about fulfilling Rebekah and David’s dream; it was also giving her the chance to achieve her own. With the maternity leave she was entitled to, she would have the opportunity to turn her artistic skills into a more practical job. Her artwork had been spotted by the local tattoo artist and he’d offered her an unpaid apprenticeship, one she never thought she would be able to take advantage of. But for once in life the planets seemed to have aligned, and helping out her brother was allowing her the chance to do the training. She was hoping to bolster her TA wage with some extra part-time work once she was finished. If it all worked out well, hopefully, in the end, it would provide a better future for her son. She just needed to work out if it was the right thing for her.

Chapter 5

When the time came it was too soon. Not in the sense the baby was early; it was just Dawn wasn’t ready. She’d always known the baby wasn’t hers, but that didn’t make the fact that goodbye had arrived any easier. Her hospital bag might be packed, but there was no Moses basket set up to welcome the baby to her home. It might have been wrong, but she let another wave of contractions go by with her mobile phone still gripped in her hand. She needed to call Rebekah and David to let them know the time had come, but for now she wanted to take a moment. Right now, the baby was hers. This connection they’d shared was still real. It still existed and Dawn wanted to embrace it for a moment longer without anyone else knowing.

As soon as she made the call it would signal goodbye to this intimacy they’d shared. There’d be no more quiet moments when she would caress her bump or enjoy a flutter of movement. In theory, the baby remained hers until the umbilical cord was cut, but this whole process was for the benefit of her brother and sister-in-law and, as soon as she rang them, there would be no more moments like this. It was hard to admit she was more attached than she ever thought she would be.

‘Arghh.’ Dawn let out a yelp. This contraction was stronger than the last, Mother Nature moving the process forward even when she was willing her to give them a little more time together. It was a good job Archie was at school so he didn’t have to worry about why his mother was writhing around in agony.

Mid-contraction, Dawn managed to tap out a text to her brother: Baby time!! It seemed the most inadequate way to let him know he was soon to become a father, but currently she was not able to form sentences, so it would have to do.

After that, she let Jane know so she would look after Archie for her. By the time all three of them arrived at the hospital, Dawn was at the point where she wasn't able to walk comfortably so she was wheeled in at speed.

‘What can I do for you?’ Rebekah asked as they were deposited into one of the labour rooms.

It was a simple enough question, but at this point in time it made Dawn want to cry. It signified the end of her journey as mother to this nearly newborn. ‘Go and find a midwife. Tell her I need some pain relief.’

‘I’ll go ask,’ David said. He was hovering by the doorway, not quite banned from the room yet.

‘Anything else?’ Rebekah asked, her smoky-blue eyes full of panic.

She was too close for Dawn’s liking. So, not wanting to actually ask her to back off, she got up from the chair and paced around the room, hoping to speed this part up. Another contraction stopped her in her tracks so she leant her hands on the bed, breathing through the pain that was overtaking her ability to function.

‘Can I rub your back? Will that help?’ Rebekah hovered over Dawn once more. She was only trying to be helpful. This was her labour. The one she’d never successfully reached herself.

Dawn shook her head. ‘No, it’s easing off now.’ She straightened up and started pacing again. ‘I’d just like to know how far dilated I am. Hopefully it won’t be too long and you’ll meet your little fella.’

Rebekah stopped shadowing Dawn, staying still for the first time since they’d arrived. ‘It’s a boy?’

The pain started to ramp up again and Dawn wasn’t able to dig herself out of the hole she’d dug. She hadn’t meant to let slip the fact she thought she knew the sex of the baby. ‘Maybe. I don’t know.’ Another contraction took hold.

‘So it’s just a guess? You don’t know for sure?’

Dawn was tempted to take up the offer of a back rub by way of diversion. She didn’t want to spoil the surprise. After all, she might not be right about what she thought she’d seen when they’d scanned all those weeks ago.

‘No, it’s just an instinct. A sixth sense. Don’t ask me why. I’ve just always thought it was a boy.’

‘Mother’s instinct.’ There was a sadness in Rebekah’s voice that made Dawn worry. This should be a day of jubilation for them, not one where she counted her inadequacies.

‘You’re the only one becoming a mother today and those instincts will kick in as soon as you have this baby in your arms.’ Dawn wasn’t sure if those facts needed pointing out, but certainly it wasn’t a time for Rebekah to go melancholic over not being the one in labour.

‘I know. I’ve waited a very long time for today. I just can’t believe it’s finally here. Somehow it doesn’t feel real.’

‘Oh, it’s real all right. And it fucking hurts. I can start squeezing your hand if that will help bring it home that you’re not dreaming.’

‘Do you want me to hold your hand?’

Dawn smiled at Rebekah’s eagerness to get it right. It was like some kind of extreme first date. ‘Not yet. Maybe later.’

‘I’m glad it’s a boy. I always wanted to know beforehand. It was David that didn’t. I think, by keeping the baby as neutral, there was less chance of getting hurt. It’s been so hard to believe we’d get this far even with you being surrogate. We never thought we’d get to this day.’

Dawn understood that caution. She’d been witness to the grief they’d suffered having gone through the ordeal of five lost pregnancies, none of them reaching the point where they would have been able to discover if it was a girl or a boy.

‘How are we getting on here?’ A cheery midwife entered the room with David in tow.

‘My contractions are pretty close. We can’t be far off.’ Dawn was over wanting to stroll around the room. She was getting to the point she wanted to push this baby out.

‘Fabulous. Well, I’m Melanie and I see from your notes that you’re the surrogate mum, so this must be the expectant mummy.’ Melanie smiled at Rebekah and they carried out introductions of who was who in this little triangle. ‘Well, it looks like I’m going to be your midwife if things are close. Do you want to pop up on the bed and we’ll take a look at how things are progressing?’

‘I’ll just be outside,’ David said, looking like he didn’t know what to do with himself.

‘You can just pop up the head end,’ Melanie suggested. ‘You won’t see anything if you keep your eyes averted.’

David’s gaze fell on Rebekah. They both looked like fish out of water, neither of them certain what to expect.

‘You can go at the head end, but no looking anywhere you shouldn’t,’ Dawn said. She wasn’t sure why she hadn’t thought about the fact the couple would need to be together during one of the most important moments of their life. She’d made the decision about her brother not being in the room early on, worried he would catch a glimpse of something she’d rather he didn’t. But at this moment, she realised it wasn’t about her dignity; it was about Rebekah and David becoming parents. They should both be in the room when it came to the main event.

Between contractions, Melanie managed to examine Dawn with a sheet keeping everything hidden. ‘Fully dilated, I’m glad to report. Let’s sort you out with some gas and air and I’d say we’re ready to go.’

‘Good.’ Because it really bloody hurt and Dawn was more than ready to start pushing. She writhed about with the agony of the next contraction before snatching the gas and air as soon as it was passed her way.

‘I should go,’ David said, starting to head out before things got messy.

‘Push,’ Melanie said, with the next contraction arriving.

‘No,’ Dawn said, only able to say one syllable.

‘You need to push, sweetheart. Baby’s ready to arrive.’ Melanie was trying to be helpful, encouraging, but she had the wrong end of the stick.

‘Stay.’ Dawn looked at her brother, wanting him to develop twin telepathy so she didn’t need to explain while having to push. He hadn’t left the room so that was enough to allow her to bear down and clench every available muscle in order to get the baby out.

Only once Dawn’s face relaxed again did David manage to speak.

‘I thought you didn’t want me in here. I don’t expect you to change your mind.’

Not being in a position to have a full-on conversation about it, Dawn resorted to barking instructions instead. ‘Go. Stand. Over. There.’ She pointed towards Rebekah before every muscle in her body racked up towards another push.

Feeling the need to be on all fours, she turned with some effort, and assistance from Melanie and Rebekah to keep her dignity. ‘You two need to be together for this. Only Rebekah is permitted to look down the business end, though,’ she managed to instruct between contractions.

Rebekah and David embraced, both smiling for the first time since they’d arrived. The time was almost upon them.

Leaving them to it, Dawn inhaled again on the gas and air, the pain becoming more intense with each contraction.

‘Right, we’re nearly there,’ Melanie informed her. ‘A few more pushes should do it.’

Dawn lost count of exactly how many waves of pain she endured after those words had been spoken, but they came quickly and all too soon it was over. That intense agony of having several pounds pass through a space that seemed way too small was done; the amazing miracle that was giving birth.

Dawn collapsed into the pillow. Having a baby on all fours was not the most dignified of poses, but it meant she didn’t have to look. She didn’t want to cast an eye straight away and fall in love. That was to be a moment for David and Rebekah. The baby started mewing.

‘It’s a boy. Anyone want to cut the cord?’ Melanie offered.

‘I will,’ Rebekah said, and somehow it seemed right she should be the one to do it. After all, the baby was her DNA and this act would signify the transfer of responsibility.

‘Take your shirt off,’ Dawn heard Melanie say.

Skin-to-skin time. The first stage of bonding. And it would be for Rebekah’s benefit as much as the baby.

As the baby’s crying continued, Dawn’s every instinct wanted to respond, but she counted to ten before she braved lifting her head from the pillow.

It was her brother with his shirt off, not Rebekah like Dawn had thought. He was caressing their creation in his arms and the sight was enough to drive her to tears.

‘Hi, little guy, I’m your daddy.’ There in David’s eyes was the moment they’d all been working on. It was clear to see the instant love that was forming. Rebekah’s gaze was just as taken with the newborn in the room.

‘This is your mummy.’ He moved the baby cautiously so Rebekah would be in his eye line even if she would be nothing more than a blurry outline as his eyes adjusted to the world. ‘And this is your very special auntie. Thank you, sis. Nothing we can ever say will cover this.’ David’s eyes glistened with tears.

It was enough for Dawn’s own to burst through. ‘Hi, baby nephew.’ She managed to smile through the tears, knowing how privileged they all were to be in this moment. Then a final contraction ripped through her body to remove the organ that had connected them all on this journey.

Chapter 6

It was three days later that Dawn started losing it. With the birth having gone smoothly they discharged her less than twenty-four hours later. She was glad to be out of the hospital, but being at home sucked pretty badly as well. After Archie was up in bed, she sat in front of the telly with trashy programmes and an absurd amount of yummy things that would normally have helped cheer her up.

There were some of the supermarket’s finest blue cheeses and liver paté spread on crackers waiting to be munched; a chilled glass of wine and a divine platter of seafood calling to be devoured – all the foods she’d been deprived of for the past nine months and had regularly craved during her pregnancy. She’d daydreamed about this moment throughout, the day she would have her body back and enjoy herself once more.

Only the cheese tasted too rank and the wine too bitter. It wasn’t the perfect moment she’d been after. She wanted it as a celebratory slap on the back. Her own “well done, you’re bloody amazing” moment.

Instead she was still raw with hurt. There was something so cruel about having to waddle around with a maternity pad between her legs without a baby against her bosom. It was a selfish thought, knowing her predicament was one that had brought joy, not the sorrow others might suffer. And she’d known this was coming. She’d had time to prepare for the void that was filling her, but sitting here with her expensive cheese and dry crackers it was a recipe for feeling sorry for herself.

Storage Wars seemed like a pretty safe bet TV-viewing wise, but then they cracked open a unit containing what could only be described as a mother’s treasure chest, the objects of childhood only a parent would hold dear: medals, drawings, photos, items of clothing. In their montage they knew nothing about the previous owner of the locker, but surmised, as the photos didn’t go past the age of about eight, that perhaps it had belonged to the child’s mother. That in the face of the father finding reminders too painful, she’d gone and rented the space to preserve her son’s memory in her own way and visited it in remembrance of him.

It was the kind of story that would have had Dawn in tears anyway. Just thinking about the poor woman having to grieve in such solitude started the sobbing, but then it was every thought that followed, which meant she wasn’t able to stop. The locker for her second child would be empty because he wasn’t hers and never would be, and somehow she had to find her peace with that.

Dawn switched the telly off, not wanting to think about it any longer. As she did so, she spotted the present Jane had given her when she’d left the school. It was nestling between the sofa and TV cabinet. It was time to open it. Ripping the wrapping paper off revealed a patchwork quilt. She unfolded it and realised each square had been made by one of the schoolchildren in her class. It gave her a whole new reason for the tears to flow.

Cocooning herself in the quilt, for now Dawn wasn’t able to stop herself from crying. Even when she managed to get up and replace her tray of unappetising snacks with a whole bar of fruit and nut, the flow of tears didn’t let up. She tried to banish the thought of the empty locker with the image of her brother’s happiness at seeing his newborn son, but it wasn’t sticking. So she allowed the tears and sadness to flow, afraid that, if she didn’t, there was a chance she would never get a grip again.

The next day was a better one. Dawn managed to get out of bed and shower without going into complete meltdown. She reminded herself she was a mother already, and even though going out of the house was the last thing in the world she wanted to do right now, it was Saturday. It was zoo day and feeling the sunshine on her face might remind her that life wasn’t so desolate. Even though Jane had offered to take Archie, she wanted to get out of the house, so had said she would take him herself.

‘You’re late, Mum,’ Archie shouted into her bedroom.

Dawn was wrapped in a towel, huddled in bed. She’d stopped there to get dry and keep warm, but she’d let minute after minute pass by without making any effort to move.

Archie knocked at the door, a rare gesture from her son who liked to stick to routines. The fact she was late would be enough to cause him distress. Maybe she should let Jane take him. Maybe she wasn’t ready for this. She made sure she was covered up, but she was pretty well cocooned. ‘Come in.’

Archie tiptoed in, like this was a mission and he needed to remain undetected. He was getting so tall and was at the gangly stage where everything was growing so quickly it hadn’t had chance to bulk out. His brown hair and grey eyes made him look like his father, a shadow of the past, but his frame made him look like David at that age. The thought brought an unexpected lump to her throat and she knew she needed to stop. She couldn’t cry in front of her son.

Archie sat on the edge of her bed, something he’d not done for a long time. It was always Dawn on the edge of his bed, sleeping on the floor next to him, seeing him through the night terrors that plagued him at times.

‘It’s okay, Mum, you don’t need to be sad.’ Archie tapped her knee, which was snuggled underneath the duvet.

The small gesture was enough to let her emotions bubble over, but this was Archie. She was his mum. He needed to come before whatever it was she was feeling at this moment. And she didn’t want him to worry about her, which he would if she put on another show like last night. ‘I just have a lot of hormones floating around my body and they’re not doing me much good at the moment.’

‘Can you give them to Rebekah? Would she like them?’

Dawn’s lip curled. It was the closest she’d got to a smile since saying goodbye to the baby. Archie’s ideas always provided obvious solutions; sadly, it was never that simple. ‘I’m sure she would really appreciate them, but Mummy can’t transfer them to her. They haven’t invented that yet.’

‘They should. It would be like giving blood and they could collect them in a bag. Then, after getting it from you, they would put it into Auntie Rebekah and she could have the hormones as well as the baby.’