All That Is Left Of Us

‘Holy Mother of God. There was no way that was Braxton-Hicks,’ Caitlin said in a burst, grabbing the arm of the man she was with. ‘Fuck. You’ve done this before. How do you know when it’s actually started?’

Dawn hesitated in her answer. It would be a pretty cheap trick if it was a way of getting her to confess about the past, but there was no point in keeping it a secret if she already knew. ‘You know. And if you’re not sure, your body will let you know soon enough. So do you think you’re in labour?’

‘Yes, I knew it was more than backache, Karl,’ Caitlin chastised the man she was gripping tightly. From their wedding bands, Dawn guessed it must be her husband.

‘Maybe you should talk to Brian? He’ll be able to advise you.’ As there was a qualified midwife in the room, he seemed like the sensible person to turn to.

‘Get him over here,’ Caitlin yelped to her husband.

Karl, pale and silent, did exactly as Caitlin told him to. As Brian arrived, there was a pop followed by a gush. The shiny puddle that formed was the clearest confirmation they were going to get. Only the fluid from Caitlin’s waters wasn’t as clear as it should be.

Chapter 2

Owerdale Primary School was in the most picturesque setting possible. Owerdale itself was on the east edge of the New Forest with a steady and settled population that was bolstered by tourists during the sunnier months.

The school was part of the hub of Owerdale town, but it backed on to nothing more than the forest and required cattle grids to stop the New Forest ponies from trying to attend classes.

Having lived in Owerdale all her life, Dawn had attended the school herself as a youngster and it was fair to say not much had changed. Often it felt like she hadn’t either.

But the teaching assistant job she’d managed to get there was a blessing. It was perfect at a time when she needed to fit everything in with being Archie’s mum. He required more than the average parent would have to provide, which was why she never planned to have another. That was until it was someone else’s. Being the bearer of a baby rather than the owner didn’t seem too bad a prospect, especially when it meant helping David and Rebekah, the people who meant most to her.

Although, underneath that veneer of wanting to help, she also knew this might be the only chance she ever got to get out of this rut she was in. The school might be set in some of the best scenery possible, but that didn’t stop Dawn from wanting a change. To try and at long last start to make an income from her passion. Her artistic skills were getting a little lost on display boards no one was paying any attention to.

The staffroom Dawn was waiting in could have done with a display board or two. Empty, it was a cavernous cave of eerie calm. Dawn was so used to being here only at lunch times when it was bustling, the space seemed at odds with itself now it was just her.

‘Sorry, sorry, sorry,’ Jane said as she entered. Always apologising that one, even when she didn’t need to.

‘It’s okay. I didn’t mind waiting even if it is creepy in here when everyone else is in class.’

‘Yeah, looks kind of messy as well.’ The L-shaped staffroom was a sadly neglected space.

Dawn wasn’t going to miss it. The people, yes. Maybe even some of the pupils themselves, but not the place. And as it was only temporary, she’d be back before she knew it.

‘What do you need to know?’ Dawn said. It was her last day as Jane’s teaching assistant, but they were also best friends. So sometimes these supervisory meetings were a bit strained. Fortunately, she’d never put Jane in a position where she had to tell her off. But parting ways for a while was going to be hard, even if they would still be in touch.

‘Nothing. I don’t really need to do an exit interview. You’re not leaving. You’re coming back as soon as your maternity leave is over.’

That was the plan. ‘So what are we doing here?’ The deputy head was covering their class so they weren’t here on a jolly.

‘I’m sorry. I know you said you didn’t want a fuss or anything.’

‘But?’ Dawn should have known she wouldn’t be able to leave quietly. Just as long as the rest of the school staff weren’t hiding in the overflowing litter bin. Did they ever get a cleaner in here?

‘I couldn’t let you leave without doing something.’

‘I told you there was no need. The only thing I want you to do is remember I’m the best TA you’re ever going to have so don’t get attached to my temporary replacement.’

‘I know that’s what you said, but it doesn’t mean I agree. You do deserve something nice by way of a send-off.’

In a normal set of circumstances, it would be a baby shower with gifts to help over the first six months, but there was nothing usual about Dawn’s departure. ‘I’ll settle for the chance to follow my dream.’

‘Well, that, plus you’re helping David and Rebekah achieve theirs and I know the usual gifts don’t apply, so I sorted an unusual one.’

Jane went over to a hidden corner and left Dawn wondering how many people could hide in this room without being noticed. If anyone sprang out from behind a cushion she would box their ears, even if she was hindered by being full-term and at the point she would give birth any day.

‘It’s a bit big.’ Jane lugged over a wrapped present peeking out from a black sack. ‘I figure you won’t want to open it here. I’ll give you a hand with getting it home.’

‘What is it?’

‘You’ll have to wait and find out when you open it. I suggest you choose a moment when you’re missing us. Or more specifically me.’

‘I’m not going to get the chance to, am I?’ Jane was going to be walking Archie to and from school and they were planning to restart their regular weekly wine and pistachio night as soon as possible.

‘We’ll miss you and you’ll miss us. The school won’t be the same without you about. Who’s going to keep us all in check now?’

‘No one, judging by the mess in this staffroom.’

The bell for the end of school rang and it was like the whole of Owerdale Primary School let out a sigh of relief.

‘Come on. Let’s go find Archie.’

As always, ten-year-old Archie was waiting inside the classroom with his teacher until Dawn arrived. It was one thing she would miss about being here: the security of knowing her son was okay and being looked after. Not that that wouldn’t happen while she was away, but being on site helped if she was ever needed.

His teacher, Ms Clayton, smiled broadly at their arrival, Archie busy at his desk, drawing away. ‘Last day then, Dawn?’

‘Yes. Jane will be doing the school run until the summer to give me a chance to rest and recover.’ Dawn was due to give birth a few weeks ahead of the school breaking up for the summer holidays.

‘It’s such a wonderful thing you’re doing.’ Ms Clayton beamed at her like a halo had appeared above her head for the saintly act she was carrying out.

‘I’m sure lots of other people would do it in my position.’ It was the standard answer she was dishing out to everyone who was looking at her with awe.

‘Well, we look forward to your return.’

‘Thank you. Come on, Archie.’ Dawn prompted her son before she was asked questions about what she was up to and when she would be back. It would ruin her saintly aura if anyone at the school other than Jane knew she might be doing this for her own benefit to try and start making money from her artistic skills as well as helping her brother and sister-in-law.

Dawn’s pace was slower than Archie and Jane’s. It was part of the reason her friend had offered to start doing the school run with them, that and getting Archie accustomed to it being someone other than his mum taking him to and from school.

At the lamp post they paused, waiting for Dawn to catch up. It was a system she’d been using for years to get her son to slow down and stay out of danger.

‘What is in that bag?’ Dawn asked.

The present Jane was lugging to the flat was a tad cumbersome. Without opening it, at a guess it was maybe a pillow. She just hoped someone hadn’t brought a breastfeeding one by mistake.

‘I told you. Open it when you’re missing us. Whenever that might be.’

‘I don’t think that’ll be too long. I’m not going to know what to do with the spare time on my hands.’ There was plenty she needed to do, starting off with the art portfolio she was going to put together for the tattoo artist apprenticeship she was due to start in September. But even that might not be enough to keep her busy.

‘How did the antenatal class go with Rebekah?’

‘The fake bump did the trick.’ Dawn had returned the prop to its storage. ‘I just hope Rebekah and David start to get a bit more prepared.’ They were leaving everything as close to the due date as possible and it was making her twitchy.

‘They still haven’t brought anything then?’

‘Not yet. This weekend, apparently. I was going to tell you – the class ended with a bit of drama. Do you remember Caitlin Matthews from college?’

Jane nodded.

‘She was there and she went into labour during the class. Her waters broke and everything.’

‘Woah. Was she all right? Did she have the baby at the class?’

‘I don’t know how it turned out. Her waters broke, but they weren’t clear. It all became a bit urgent after that and the midwife whisked her away to the labour ward. I’ve no idea what the outcome was.’

‘Oh, you don’t think…?’

A worrying chill ran down Dawn’s back. She didn’t like to think about it. Especially with the precious cargo she was carrying. ‘She gave me her card with her phone number. I don’t know whether to contact her.’

‘Of course you should. If she’s a new mummy she’ll want the support and if something did go wrong, well, it’s not like you’ll have a baby to tout in her face. You’d be able to empathise with her on some level.’

‘I guess so. I’ll send her a text in a few days.’ Dawn wasn’t keen to rekindle any old college connections, especially ones that so closely connected her past with her present, but there was an instinct within wanting to know if the dramatic events in that class had turned out okay. ‘Archie, wait at the lamp post.’ Her son was too busy studying cracks in the pavement to notice he’d passed his stopping point.

‘I’m counting,’ he said, his brown head of curls not moving from the task. Normally this would be the point she’d run to catch up with him, but that was pretty much impossible now without inducing labour.

‘Look where you’re going, Archie,’ Dawn said.

Jane caught on to Dawn’s concern and managed a hop skip and a jump to be by his side. ‘You missed the lamp post, Archie. You’ll be walking into the road if you keep going.’

‘I’m counting the cracks.’

‘But we need to slow down for Mummy today. She can’t keep up with us at the moment, can she?’

Archie peered up from his task for the first time. ‘That’s not my fault.’ He said it with such spite it made Dawn sad, but he was right – it wasn’t his fault. He was having a hard time reasoning through the whole process, which was understandable. He turned his gaze back to the pavement and continued his march towards the road.

Jane kept parallel with him, hoping, as Dawn was, that he’d have the good sense to stop as soon as he reached the kerb. When he didn’t, Jane used the very-likely-a-cushion gift to act as a stopping mechanism. Its presence thankfully stopped him in his tracks.

No easy task when it came to dealing with a ten-year-old so blinkered in his actions he wasn’t able to recognise the dangers around him. It concerned Dawn that his awareness of the world hadn’t developed any more than when he was a toddler. She was lucky to have Jane who was so good with him and knew not to cross certain boundaries.

‘I want to count.’

‘We’ll carry on counting across the road,’ Jane said.

Archie’s fists were balls of frustration. The changes in his routine were already proving to be problematic. Thank goodness Dawn would only be out of action for a few weeks and not have another child in tow permanently. She was pretty certain Archie would have a really hard time adjusting to not being her only priority.

‘I want to count,’ Archie twitched, not able to keep his annoyance inside.

Dawn caught up, feeling slightly out of breath. Her lung capacity was definitely being impeded by her tight bump.

‘Count until you’re calm again,’ Dawn instructed Archie, knowing it would take him a minute or two to wind down.

They stood there for a bit like lemons until Archie was ready to concentrate on the task of crossing the road. If this was how Archie was reacting at the point she was still here, she wasn’t sure how it would be when she wasn’t. But she would find out soon enough as Jane had also offered to take him on his weekly trip to the zoo on Saturday. There was nothing like going in at the deep end when it came to testing the water.

Chapter 3

By the time the weekend arrived, Dawn was a little sad to have her first free Saturday in eons taken up with a task that wasn’t hers. Still, it didn’t seem quite so bad all the time she was lying on a comfy John Lewis bed, pretending to test it out.

During the brief respite, she did what she’d been avoiding and texted Caitlin. She didn’t really want to. It was a life she’d left behind. But it was their shared history that was making Dawn care. Distant as those memories were, she couldn’t forget the friendship they’d had and what it had led to.

It was those thoughts that gave her enough courage. It was a quick enquiry as regards the baby’s health and hers.

‘Should we get one of those nests, do you think? You know. The type that sits next to the bed. Or will a Moses basket be okay to start off with?’ Rebekah got comfy next to Dawn. ‘Are you okay? Is this getting a bit much?’

What? The one hundred and fifty-eight questions you’ve asked me since we came out? Nah, course not. The private thought amused Dawn, but it wasn’t one she’d say out loud. Even if her patience was wearing thin, she knew David and Rebekah only wanted to get things right and it was only because they were so worried that they’d waited until this late in the pregnancy to purchase their entire baby shopping list. ‘The walking’s just getting a bit much and it’s tired me out. If you two don’t mind, I think I might go and have a drink and get the weight off my feet.’

David, his colouring the same as Dawn’s, wheeled their full trolley over. ‘Don’t tell me you two are having a snooze. We’ve still got half the list to go.’

‘Dawn needs a rest. As would you if you were a few weeks off giving birth. Time to go for a coffee.’ Rebekah got up to link her arm round David’s waist.

‘But what am I going to do with this lot?’ David said, clearly distressed at the thought of having to abandon his trolley and start again.

‘Don’t stop on my account. You two carry on and I’ll give you a ring when I’ve recovered and can come meet you again.’ Dawn was hoping for some respite as well as rest. And the chance to eat something that wasn’t nutritionally balanced. She wasn’t sure she would be able to chomp into a chocolate muffin with the same vigour if prying eyes were judging the diet she was feeding their child. Not that they would judge like that; it was just sometimes the pressure of growing someone else’s kid made her worry more than she had with her own pregnancy.

‘If you’re sure?’ Rebekah said, giving Dawn the look of concern she received with every ache or pain she mentioned.

‘Absolutely. In fact, I’ll just go to the restaurant upstairs. Hardly any walking involved that way and when you’ve finished your list you can come and join me.’

The lift was just a short stroll away and Dawn offered the couple a wave as she got in, knowing they were waiting to check she was okay.

It was beginning to feel a tad claustrophobic. Not in the lift, the lift was fine, but the responsibility of these final days. The three of them had lost the easy rapport that existed between them with the pressure this pregnancy had brought.

Dawn was hoping to spend this next couple of weeks blubbing at Jeremy Kyle episodes (because her hormones were ensuring she cried at the silliest of things) and doing a few things around the flat with Archie not about. This was going to be the first time since she’d started working at the school that she’d been off, but not because she was sick, so she could justify fixing the curtain pole and spring cleaning all of Archie’s toys without him realising she’d moved them.

So far, she’d got nothing done other than helping Rebekah and David prepare for Junior. It wasn’t that she minded, but there was a point at which she needed to be able to walk away. Her responsibilities towards this child had to end, so being involved with the process of selecting every item required for their early months wasn’t helping her situation.

Decaf tea and a slice of lemon drizzle cake with her feet up helped ease her worries marginally. This might not be her son or daughter, but it was her niece or nephew. She was only providing the level of advice she would if it were Rebekah carrying the baby to full-term. It was just the hormones making her concerns swish about like the cocktail she was craving.

Dawn’s phone rang from inside her handbag. No doubt another question. What brand of steriliser should they go for, or perhaps a pushchair was throwing them into a dilemma over whether they owned the right car?

It wasn’t a number Dawn recognised and, for a moment, she panicked about Jane having issues with Archie. ‘Hello?’

‘Hi, is that Dawn? It’s Caitlin.’

Of course it was Caitlin. How come Dawn’s scatty, hormone-filled brain hadn’t recognised the number she’d tapped into the phone less than an hour before? Perhaps for some reason it was because she’d only expected a text in response and now here they were talking to each other. ‘Hi. I just wanted to find out how you are?’ Despite wanting to brush this reunion under the carpet, she wanted to know what had happened after the drama at their antenatal class.

‘We’re fine. Thank you for asking. I’m so glad you got in touch. Have you popped yet?’

‘No, not yet. So, did everything go okay?’ Dawn forked a piece of lemon cake into her mouth, too hungry to wait.

‘Yes, they ended up doing a C-section after Buddy started showing signs of distress, but once he was out everything was fine.’

Dawn heard Caitlin yawn down the phone. ‘Tiring start, then?’ No doubt that was the understatement of the week.

‘You’ll be in the same situation soon. These sleepless nights mean you won’t be able to put together a coherent sentence for a while, let alone anything else.’

‘I know.’ She didn’t want to talk about Archie or Junior or anything else. She only wanted to know if Caitlin was okay.

‘That’s why we need to get together and have a catch-up. I thought we could get together next Saturday if you haven’t popped by then. How about it?’

Dawn stopped fingering the crumbs off her plate. ‘We’re busy on Saturday. We always go to the zoo.’ She said it automatically. It was their usual routine and Archie needed the structure their week provided.

‘Great. That would be the perfect place to meet up. I was looking into getting an annual pass as some of my friends mentioned it would be well worth the money while I’m on maternity leave. I might as well get one and that can be our regular hangout.’

Regular hangout. There would be no mother and baby gatherings in Dawn’s future and she needed to explain why. She just wasn’t sure how.

‘I’m not sure that’s a good idea right now. Not until after I’ve had the baby.’

‘Well, in that case, contact me once you’ve given birth. We’ll organise something then.’

With any luck, Caitlin would forget about any idea of a happy reunion and she wouldn’t ever have to.

When the phone call was over, and with David and Rebekah nowhere in sight, Dawn decided the only thing for it was a second slice of cake. It would help rid her of the sense of dread filling her stomach. Telling Caitlin she was a surrogate would be simple. It was clearing up the past that would be problematic.

Chapter 4

The following Saturday, like most others, was a tranquil sea of calm. Dawn relished them. Because Archie was so desperate to go to the zoo, he always behaved impeccably over breakfast. He was up and dressed and raring to go with none of the school-day struggles.

She’d wondered whether she would make it to today, but Junior was showing no signs of shifting. The week had seen her achieve at least two tasks from her things to do list and Rebekah and David had been too busy installing everything they’d purchased to hassle her too much other than the daily question of: Any sign of Junior yet?

It meant today was as calm as it could be. As soon as they got there they both took up residence in their usual spots. Archie, with his notepad, sat cross-legged on the ground and, even though it looked uncomfortable, he wouldn’t move from that spot for the next hour. The bench she parked her oversized derriere on couldn’t be much more comfortable than the ground, not that she’d tried sitting like Archie. If she did she would never get up. If her memory served her right, this bench had always been this hard against her bum. Or it could be the fact she had two-fifths of a baby’s head engaged in her pelvis, whatever that meant. When she’d been pregnant with Archie she was still in shock and too young to understand some of the medical talk. This time she was paying more attention, but it still baffled her.

Dawn tilted her pelvis back attempting to get more comfortable, but not really succeeding. She really did need to start bringing some cushions for both of them. Taking her sketchpad from her handbag, she tried to relax.

When they’d first come here and started doing this, Dawn would try to join in and help Archie. He liked to do a headcount of all the meerkat family to check they were all okay and, as the weeks went on, he was able to pick out each of the members individually whereas she was unable to tell the difference. Every meerkat looked the same to her. So when Dawn mistook Geoffrey for Elvis the upset made her realise this was Archie’s thing. Something for him just to appreciate and adore at a level she would be hard-pushed to follow.

So the weekend after the Geoffrey is not Elvis saga, Dawn took a step back. She watched from the bench just across from him. He did his headcount of the family as usual, then took a note of each of them, meticulously keeping a record of what each meerkat was up to that particular Saturday. At the end of Archie’s study, he would come to her and file away his findings in her handbag, ready for the next week. It was an altogether happier arrangement for both of them and, as the weeks went on, Dawn felt reassured enough to bring her sketchpad along to jot down rough designs and ideas so they were both occupied.

Glancing over at him now, his gangly limbs similar to her own, Dawn could tell he was making a note of which meerkats had eaten, who’d scrapped with who and who’d taken their turn at lookout. She doubted the zoo kept such thorough records as the ones her son did. If they were ever in need of a backup, the bookcase of notepads Archie had would certainly help.

Someone sat next to her on the bench. Why was it, when the zoo was full of places to sit, someone would choose to come and park next to her?

‘Not popped yet, then?’

Dawn turned to see who was talking. It was Caitlin, her husband in the distance, rocking their pram.

‘You can’t be here.’ The words escaped before she was able to stop them. She didn’t want to connect the past with the present. There were good reasons for keeping Archie’s father a secret and she didn’t want to introduce anyone who might connect the dots.

‘Pardon?’

‘Sorry.’ She’d not meant to come across as rude. ‘It’s just my son has a hard time meeting new people and being out of routine.’