Waiting For You

‘Hi, it’s Fliss. We met the other day. You came to my house with Carrie about the Baby Number Two show.’ She wondered how long she needed to continue before he would remember who she was.

‘Ah, yes. Are the videos going okay?’

‘No.’

‘Bollocks.’

Oh. This wasn’t quite what she’d been expecting. ‘And the thing is…’

‘You can’t quit.’

‘What? But you…’ Never let me finish my sentence.

‘I can come over this morning. Sort out whatever the problem is. Say, eleven?’

It was a rather bewildering conversation so Fliss said, ‘Okay,’ knowing that some things were easier to say in person.

***

Not able to get on with much work, Fliss took the chance to freshen up, securing her blonde ringlets up for a change. It was an hour later when Leon turned up, his designer stubble now beard-length and a stale odour making him somewhat less attractive than at their previous meeting, which was a relief. She could keep her pheromones under lock and key.

‘Everything okay?’ she had to ask. He looked a different person from the other day.

‘No one’s here, are they?’ Leon asked, his tired eyes glancing around the house then over his shoulder like someone was watching him.

‘No.’ Fliss crossed her arms, worried she shouldn’t have invited him in. Why did he look so worried? ‘So are you okay?’

‘No, not really.’ Leon brushed his hair out of his face revealing the shadows under his eyes.

‘What’s up? You look like you haven’t slept.’

‘Sleep has been hard to come by this past week. The damage to my flat was malicious so I’m staying on my mate’s sofa for the moment. It’s not exactly providing me with comfortable sleep and I’ve been a bit of an insomniac.’

‘No wonder you looked knackered. Let me get you some caffeine.’ Fliss led Leon to the kitchen. Against her better judgement, she decided to invite him in rather than push him and his haunted expression away.

‘It’s been one nightmare after another recently. If sorting out my flat wasn’t problem enough Carrie has broken her leg. Strapped up on traction in some French hospital somewhere. Won’t be fit to work for weeks. It means I’m now in charge of this project. I should be delighted, really. It’s not as if I liked the woman and I’ve been working towards promotion for ages, but the timing couldn’t be worse. Anyway, none of that is your concern and I’m here to sort out whatever your problem is. Please don’t quit.’

‘How did you know I wanted to?’

‘I could sense it in your voice. And I wouldn’t blame you with Carrie’s gung-ho attitude, but I’m in charge now.’ Leon smiled at Fliss and a shiver ran down her spine. He really was astonishingly good-looking despite being more dishevelled than at their first meeting. ‘So I’m hoping to convince you otherwise.’

Fliss was sure he could convince her of anything, but she wasn’t comfortable doing the diaries. ‘The video camera isn’t working. I tried to do an entry last night and by the time I was done the light was out. And even if it weren’t for the technical difficulties, I said something in my video that I didn’t want to. I revealed too much of myself and I don’t want the whole nation getting to know my innermost thoughts when they’re things I might not choose to share with my own mother or daughter. It’s made me realise this isn’t for me. I’m sorry, I know that’s not what you wanted to hear.’ She spewed it all out, scared he’d stop her mid-sentence.

‘Why did you apply in the first place?’

‘It’s a long answer,’ Fliss said. ‘I’ll tell you if you don’t go all judgemental on me. You never know, if the story is long enough it might help you sleep.’ Leon really did look like he should be tucked under a duvet.

‘Promise. No judgement. No nodding off.’ Leon gave his scout’s honour salute, proving his word.

Fliss hadn’t planned on inviting Leon in, let alone chatting with him, but his expression seemed genuinely interested. And she wanted to know more about his nightmare week. She’d noticed he was deflecting the conversation her way rather than elaborating on his own situation. ‘Shall we sit outside?’ Leon agreed so they took their coffees and sat on the patio chairs facing the lawn.

‘Are you sure you want to hear this?’ Fliss couldn’t work out if his concern was genuine or just with the show in mind.

‘Yes, especially if it stops me worrying about my own rubbish for a while. Carrie has left me with a right schedule mess to sort out. I’d much rather listen to you all day if you don’t mind telling me.’

Fliss took the look in Leon’s hazel eyes to be honest and open. Without having known it until now, she wanted someone to talk to. Leon seemed to fit the bill. ‘We’ve been trying for what feels like ages. Two years in total, but if you stick together all of the weekend days that my husband is here, it’s more like a year. So my husband, Ben, is convinced it’s down to timing and he’s not worried in the slightest. He’s quite content with having Hollie as a daughter, as am I, but there’s also such a strong desire within me to have another child so she can grow up with siblings like I did with my sisters. And now, the longer it takes for me to get pregnant, the more convinced I am that there’s a problem. We just don’t see eye to eye on getting it checked out.’

‘Why apply to the programme then? Couldn’t you go to the GP and ask them to test you?’

‘I was going to, but if there is a problem we have no way of funding any treatment. We already have a child and I’m too old to qualify for any financial help. But then my friend Ange told me about the programme and how it was willing to help on the money side of things. We’d have to pay for it ourselves and we can’t afford to, not with all our outgoings.’

‘So why apply when your husband doesn’t want to take part?’

Fliss knew it seemed odd. ‘Because even if he never wants to get his side of things checked out, I need some kind of peace of mind. I want to know if there’s anything wrong with me, whether I’m causing the problem. The thinking about it and not knowing is driving me a bit crazy so at least if I know it’s not me, it might stop me worrying for no reason. I guess it would have been silly to pass on the opportunity, and besides, I have a gut feeling this might be my only chance.’

‘And does your gut still tell you that?’

‘It’s so churned up it reckons something hasn’t agreed with me. I didn’t think about what would be involved when I applied and I’ve had butterflies in my stomach ever since. Like I said, I did it for me and I never thought about the consequences of keeping it from my family. I need to tell them about it. I’m just not ready to at the moment.’

‘Is that why you don’t want to take part any more? In case they find out?’

It was hard to tell if Leon was enquiring out of politeness or in an attempt to get her back onboard. ‘Partly. And the whole concept of putting my deepest desires out there in public. I tried to do a video diary and, aside from ballsing up operating the camera, it was also the most uncomfortable experience of my life, and that’s saying something when you’ve given birth.’ Fliss flicked away a strand of hair from her face, conscious that her updo was failing miserably.

Leon laughed. A refreshing and quick ‘Ha’ that filled the air and made her smile. ‘I’ve always preferred it behind the camera for precisely that reason. Not that I’d know anything about it being more uncomfortable than labour, but in this job I’ve learnt it takes a certain type of person to perform in front of the lens. But what you’re doing isn’t about a performance, you just need to be yourself. Tell people what it’s really like to go through what you’re going through the same as you’re telling me now.’

‘It’s not the same as this,’ Fliss said, as she flexed both hands tight around her mug as she took a sip. ‘What I’m telling you now won’t go any further unless you tell someone. You’re not going to, are you?’

‘My lips are sealed.’ Leon gestured as such.

‘If I say something on camera it’s documented for life. I can’t go back on it and it’ll be broadcast whether I like it or not. I’ve got no control in this. Just like I’ve got no control over my body.’

‘If there’s something you don’t want to keep, I can delete it if need be. It doesn’t have to be so out of your control.’

‘Really?’ Fliss’s brow furrowed. ‘Why would you do that? Surely you’d get into trouble?’

Leon shrugged. ‘I’m in charge now, remember. No one would know any different and, if it puts your mind at rest, I guess it’s worth the risk.’

‘You’re only saying that because you’re in charge. My dropping out is going to cause you problems.’

‘Look, I’m not going to lie to you. I could do without someone leaving the programme at this point in time. Your staying will save me a headache, but I asked because I wanted to know if this was right for you. I’ve got other applicants waiting, but I want the people it’ll help most involved in the programme. I think you fit that bill. Look, if you’re worried about doing the filming we can have a practice run here. I can set up the video and we can chat like we are now. Nice and relaxed.’

Fliss sighed and studied the garden. She hadn’t planned to be talked round like this. But saying her reasons out loud had made her realise she needed to give herself this opportunity. And with Leon now in charge, maybe it wouldn’t be quite as scary as she’d originally thought. Returning Leon’s intense stare, she decided to go with it. ‘I never will know unless I do it, so let’s do this practice run.’

Chapter Six

‘How do you want to do this?’ Leon asked. ‘You can just talk to the camera or I can ask you some questions.’

The camera was all set up and staring at Fliss from the patio. ‘Can you ask questions, please? I didn’t know what to say the other night.’ She was finding talking to Leon therapeutic. He was a stranger, but somehow that made it easier to open up. It made her realise that, for some time now, she’d had no one to talk to outside of her relationship. Yes, she had her online community and she’d spoken to Ange on the phone, but aside from that she’d not spoken to anyone in the flesh. She’d put up a façade for her family, preventing her from admitting their dual lifestyle was causing them problems.

‘I’m no interviewer, though, so be warned, the questions I come up with might be rubbish. Just expand more on what you’ve already told me.’ Leon smiled. It was half hidden by the beard-length stubble situation, but it provided reassurance all the same.

‘I’m sure your questions will be far more tactful than anything Carrie would have come up with. Besides, you can edit out any rubbish attempts.’

‘True. So start by telling me how long you’ve been trying for a baby. Remember the audience don’t know anything about your story.’

Fliss tried to ignore the camera and spoke directly to Leon. ‘We started trying not long after moving here to Kent. I was naïve and thought I would fall pregnant again quickly like I did with my daughter, but I didn’t factor in how much less we would see each other now I’m here and my husband is in London all week. It didn’t worry me for the first year as our time together was so much less than before, but as time went on I started to suspect there might be a problem.’ Fliss shifted in the seat, trying to be relaxed like she was before.

Leon checked the camera then his head popped up and again he smiled his reassurance. ‘If you thought there was a problem, why didn’t you go and get it checked out then?’

‘I wanted to, but there was so much going on since we moved here. Hollie starting at her new school, decorating the house and flat, setting up my own business. Time passes so quickly and before you know it, it’s become like the dental check-up you need. You know you should book it, but you never seem to get round to it. Plus we’ve been so ready to put it down to the fact we only see each other two days out of seven. It’s pretty hard to co-ordinate having sex during your fertile period when you’re not in the same county.’

‘Haven’t you ever done like they show you in the movies and yelled at him to come home because you’re ovulating?’ Leon grinned. ‘Told you I wouldn’t be very good at asking questions.’

Fliss returned the smile and appreciated that it was a subject somehow better tackled with humour. ‘No, sadly it doesn’t work quite like they show you on the telly. I tried those kits out a couple of times.’ Fliss considered how much intimate detail she wanted to share with a stranger. Having Leon here reminded her that whatever she said would be heard. The process was less anonymous than sitting with a camera revealing private thoughts. It was making her edit what she said before she even spoke. ‘Let’s just say they can be a bit messy and inconvenient. I think if Ben worked a bit nearer it’s something I might have pursued. But it’s not much good finding out you’re ovulating on a Tuesday, knowing you won’t see your husband until Friday night.’

‘Has Ben ever tried to find work locally so you’re not in this split-home situation?’ Leon arched his eyebrow as if it was trying to form a question mark.

Fliss deemed the eyebrow was judging her and found herself giving it an evil stare. She wanted to talk about fertility, not her relationship, but then of course the two went hand in hand.

‘It would involve too much upheaval. Ben would have to take a pay cut or set up his own business. There’s barely room for my set-up so we’d need to move house so Ben could have a home office. We switched to this lifestyle so we’d have the best of both worlds and we have.’ Sort of. There Fliss went again trying to convince someone else that they lived the ideal lifestyle when she no longer believed it herself. ‘We have tried to synchronise Ben’s annual leave on occasions, but that hasn’t worked.’ Fliss shifted on her seat, the questions making her uncomfortable.

Leon’s eyebrow remained raised as if making an assessment of everything she was saying. ‘I apologise for asking you this one, but it’s something I can cut out if you’re not happy with it. A lot of people may regard it as greedy to want a second child when you already have one. So why do you want another child?’

Fliss studied the lawn borders. Would people really consider it to be greedy? Did Leon? ‘It’s difficult to explain, but I’ll do my best. Most of it is down to maternal instinct. Ever since Hollie was little I knew I wanted to do it again. It’s that special bond you create with that little person knowing they depend entirely on you and trust you implicitly. I know I’m lucky to have that bond with Hollie, but ever since she was small, I wanted her to also have a bond with a little brother or sister.’ She returned her gaze to Leon hoping that he understood. ‘The older she gets the more I think she’ll benefit from it. I loved growing up with my sisters and being in the middle. I always had someone looking out for me and someone to look out for. I still do. I’ve always thought Hollie would be a wonderful older sister.’ Fliss stopped at saying she wanted another child to fill the void. The loneliness that was becoming more overwhelming the more independent Hollie became. ‘Do you understand what I mean?’

Leon’s eyebrow relaxed at long last. ‘I don’t have any children and I don’t think I want any.’

It was Fliss’s turn to be judgemental. ‘What? You don’t want any? Surely you’ve thought about it?’ Fliss didn’t know anyone who didn’t want children. Didn’t have children, for that matter. Perhaps that was because her single friends had fallen by the wayside over the years; not intentionally – it just seemed to have happened like that.

Leon shifted. His relaxed stance behind the camera became upright and tense. He looked like a horse ready to bolt, her question making him more than a little uncomfortable. ‘I’m not in the right set of circumstances to have children and I’m not sure I ever will be.’

‘And if you were?’ Fliss prompted, curiosity getting the better of her.

‘Then I’d think about it then, not before.’ Leon’s tone put an end to the subject.

A cold shiver went along Fliss’s back as warmth left the garden with the breeze. His expression had changed. The soft edges of his face were now hard. She’d played the part of open book so well and, with a few questions, he’d closed his own front cover in her face. Clearly it didn’t work both ways. ‘Sorry I asked.’ Fliss no longer wanted to chat with him so readily. She’d been stupid to see him as some anonymous listener she could offload to without considering he’d have his own stance on wanting a second child. Or wanting any, for that matter.

‘No, I’m the one who should be saying sorry. It’s a bit close to home, that’s all.’ Leon brushed his hair away from his face.

‘Care to tell?’ Fliss studied his intense hazel eyes, which seemed to be saying so much when he was saying so little.

‘Another time, perhaps, and not in front of the camera.’

‘Oh.’ Fliss was again conscious of her decision to be on film. If Leon wasn’t happy to be recorded after convincing her to do just that, with what seemed like her best interests at heart, perhaps he was trying to get her back onboard again, nothing more.

‘Only because I like to keep my work and private life separate.’ The softness in Leon’s expression returned. ‘This chat should be all about you and what you’re going through.’

Guilt blistered under Fliss’s skin at the pained glint in Leon’s eyes. There was something making him hurt that he clearly didn’t want to talk about and she was pressing him for details. ‘We can finish up now.’ Fliss didn’t want to carry on.

Leon switched off the camera and sat on the patio chair once more. ‘Let me ask you one more question, just for fun.’

‘Okay.’ Fliss wasn’t too sure what it was going to be, considering his change in mood.

‘What items are under your bed?’

‘Pardon?’

‘Someone once told me you can learn a lot about a person by asking them what’s under their bed. So I thought I would ask you.’ Leon stared at her with an intensity that made her shiver.

‘Surely they meant as some kind of chat-up line, not as an interview question.’ Fliss tried to break the spell his eyes were weaving.

‘I’m not interviewing now, I’m being inquisitive. After all, surely what’s under the bed could relate a whole lot to the activity taking place on top of the bed.’

‘Exactly,’ Fliss said, slightly alarmed at how revealing her answer might be, her cheeks flaming at the thought. ‘What if I’m into whips and chains? The stuff under your bed is meant to be private.’

‘I know, and that’s why it’s such a good question. I should have guessed whips and chains were your kind of thing.’ Leon winked.

A hot glow of mortification rushed through Fliss’s veins. ‘They’re not! I just meant I might have, but if that were the case I wouldn’t have brought it up as an example.’

‘What is under your bed, then? No lying to cover up your secrets. Here…’ Leon fiddled with the camera. ‘It’s off, so this is between the two of us.’

‘In that case, you should answer as well.’

‘Okay, but you go first.’

Was Fliss falling for a trick question? He hadn’t been willing to share earlier, but now there was a spark in him that had caught her unawares. ‘There’s a lot of dust for starters. I can’t remember the last time I moved everything out and gave it a good vacuuming.’ Fliss tried to remember what was in the storage boxes under her bed. In view of his comments about whips and chains she certainly wasn’t going to mention the rabbit hidden underneath there. ‘A box with my hairstyling equipment. My weekend-away bag that never seems to get any use and a worry doll that was under my pillow and I’ve never bothered to retrieve from the floor.’

‘What’s a worry doll?’ Leon asked, his eyebrows in perplexed mode.

‘My sister Caroline gave it to me. It’s a tiny doll you’re supposed to pass all your worries to and then you pop it under your pillow when you go to bed. Doing that should help you sleep better at night.’ Fliss flicked her hair, aware that perhaps telling him about the rabbit would have revealed less about her personality.

‘And does talking to the doll help you sleep?’ Leon’s eyebrows maintained their quizzical stance.

‘I only managed to do it for a week and I didn’t notice any difference. I always wake up at slight sounds in the night. I think it’s because of being alone most of the time. Some primal instinct telling me I need to protect my home and my child.’

‘What about your husband’s side of the bed? What does he have stored underneath?’

Fliss hadn’t even thought about Ben’s side. It was a double bed for one, with occasional visits from her husband. ‘There’s nothing under there that belongs to him. Only a few bits in his bedside table and I’ve never bothered to see what they are.’ Fliss cringed at the fact the answers were more telling than she’d ever imagined. And what really irked her was that if Leon went on to ask what was under her husband’s bed in their London flat she would have little to no idea. She’d been there, of course, but only for short weekend visits with Hollie in tow or for the occasional weekend break to fit in some Christmas shopping. During the handful of visits, nosing under beds hadn’t been a priority. Why would it be? But as Leon’s question was making her realise, it could reveal very intimate details about a person. ‘What about you, then? You said you would answer the same question. What’s under your bed?’ she asked before he moved on to the parts of her life she realised she didn’t know enough about to answer.

‘Why don’t I show you?’

‘What?’ If this was his way of chatting her up it needed work.

‘Well, not my bed, but my flat? You can come and assess exactly how much work needs to be done. But I warn you, it’s not going to be pretty.’

Chapter Seven

The drive to Leon’s flat took less than half an hour as he drove them along the Thanet Way towards Herne Bay. It was one of the areas they’d looked at when considering the move, so Fliss knew the area a little, but had never visited for anything other than house viewings.

‘Lucky that you live so close,’ Fliss commented as they made their way out of the car towards a plush set of new-build flats.

Leon stopped suddenly, turning back towards his car. ‘I’m not sure I can go in.’ He placed his hands on the roof, leaning forward so his hair covered his face.

Fliss thought he was getting ready to throw up. ‘What’s up? You never told me what the damage is that I’ll be dealing with.’ She’d imagined some damaged plasterwork after a missed punch.

Leon stood up straighter, taking in deep lungfuls of air. ‘I haven’t been back to the flat since it happened. Sorry, I didn’t think it would be a problem.’

Fliss placed a hand on his back, mummy autopilot taking over, knowing he needed comforting. ‘Since what happened?’

‘The fire. It was an arson attack. The place was a crime scene for a while so I wasn’t allowed back, but to be honest I’ve been avoiding returning.’

Fliss soothed his back while wondering if the site of an arson attack was really something she should be taking on as a job. ‘Were you here when it happened?’ She figured he must have been judging by his current reaction.

Leon took his hands off the car and pressed them on his skull. His breathing was steadier but he still looked scared, like the thoughts were haunting him. ‘I got woken up by the fire alarm in the middle of the night. Fortunately the fire didn’t really take hold so I managed to put it out myself. Didn’t get to see the worst of the damage, though, and I’ve been sleeping on my mate Greg’s sofa ever since. I just keep thinking about how much worse it could have been. I was lucky.’

‘No wonder you haven’t been sleeping.’ Fliss realised she was still rubbing his back. ‘Would it help if I went in first? I could take some pictures on my phone. Then you could see the damage without having to go in.’

‘Thank you.’ Leon took a deep breath. ‘But I think I need to go in to stop myself from imagining it’s worse than it is. This sounds a bit silly, but do you mind holding my hand while we go in? I used to get panic attacks when I was a kid. I haven’t had one for nearly twenty years, but I got pretty close then. If I squeeze your hand it means I want to head out.’