Waiting For You

‘Will I get to see my son-in-law before we have to disappear?’

Fliss studied a piece of onion skin that had managed to find its way onto the floor. Ignoring her mother’s signs of disapproval, she scooped it up. ‘He’s missed the right train to be here before you leave. He’ll be on the next one.’

‘Again? Seems it’s becoming a habit.’

Damn, Fliss didn’t want to go down this line of conversation. It never came out favourably for Ben and it was always so hard to explain, especially when she was fed up with making excuses for him. Joan arched an eyebrow in a way her daughter couldn’t match as she waited for the usual deluge of excuses.

‘Yes, I know. It’s rubbish. But we’re going to talk about it. It’s not down to Ben how unreliable the transport system is. And you’ll see him tomorrow.’ There she went again, jumping to his defence, finding herself riled so easily when discussing it with her mum who seemed to always have it in for her husband and the amount of time he spent away from his family. It was draining having to continually defend the lifestyle that she’d chosen. Okay, so maybe it wasn’t working out quite how she’d envisaged, but it was their lot and she was doing her best to stick with it. Or rather, stick with Ben if she was being more specific.

‘I’m ready!’ Hollie bounced into the room, her blonde ringlets almost as giddy with excitement as she was. Behind her, a pink roll-along suitcase, the zip not quite secured, and a trail of clothes in her wake.

‘Were you planning on taking those with you?’ Fliss gestured towards the mess her daughter had made.

‘Oh dear!’ Hollie giggled at the mishap and set to collecting the items.

Fliss smiled at Hollie’s optimism as she watched her place a swimming costume, snorkel and ballet skirt into the case. Just how many activities did her daughter hope to squeeze into her overnight stay with Grandma? ‘Have you remembered to pack any pyjamas, young lady? As, from the look of things, you’re not going to have much time for sleep.’

‘Yesss, Mummm!’ Hollie said, the indignant teenager within her sounding disgusted. How quickly her young daughter was growing up. On some days, six going on sixteen couldn’t be closer to the truth.

‘Well, if you’re all set to go we best be on our way,’ Joan said, before taking a final slurp from her mug of tea.

‘Terrific!’ Hollie said, like a stayover at Grandma’s was the most exciting thing in the world.

Once they’d left, Fliss placed a bottle of wine into the fridge and hung her head in there a moment longer than necessary. It was preferable to sticking her head in the oven. She listened to the soft buzzing inside and the silence of the cottage beyond. A rare moment of quiet. If only her life was as calm.

***

It read 20:47 on the cooker clock when Fliss heard the jangle of Ben’s keys in the door. Somewhere along the line, her husband had stopped making any effort. Despite the commute, it was unreasonable for him to turn up so late when there were arrangements in place for them to have an evening together.

In the time it had taken for Ben to arrive, Fliss had devoured two large glasses of wine and resorted to nibbling on breadsticks. Fed up and somewhat tipsy by this point, she’d done what she was for ever telling Hollie not to do, and ruined her dinner by munching her way through a Kit Kat Chunky and a packet of crisps. The lamb shanks were being kept warm in the slow cooker, but the creamy mash and onion gravy would need reheating.

‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry,’ Ben said, as soon as he reached the kitchen. He dashed small kisses all over her head as he leaned over her.

Fliss had heard it before and she was beginning to get sick of it. ‘Why are you so late?’

‘Something cropped up at work.’

‘Always something.’ Fliss sighed deeply, resigned to the fact her husband’s work took precedence far too often. He should have taken a lease on his office at the architectural firm he worked for as his second home rather than buying their London flat. He must barely see the place with the hours he kept.

‘I haven’t ruined dinner, have I?’ Ben regarded the pots on the stove.

‘Nothing that can’t be revived.’ Fliss wondered if the same could be done for their marriage. ‘Ben, I arranged this because I think we need to talk.’

‘About?’

Fliss set to warming up the various elements of their meal – not that she was hungry any longer. ‘Life.’ It was hard to easily sum up all the things that were bothering her.

‘Yes, we’re definitely alive.’ Ben snuck behind her aiming for a cuddle.

Fliss swung round with a wooden spoon in hand. ‘I’m serious, Ben. All these extra hours you’re working seem to be adding up. Late night returns on Friday and you keep having early departures on Sunday. It’s not like we see each other much anyway without more chunks of time being eaten into.’

As the spoon was in the way of getting to Fliss, Ben took a seat at their tiny bistro table. ‘I know it’s been rubbish of late. We’ve just been so busy. They’ve taken on too many projects.’

‘But what about us? Your family. Surely we’re more important. I’m beginning to think we made the wrong decision about us being here and you working up in London.’ They’d reached a point where Fliss reckoned she spent more time with the postman than her husband. Their food dished up, she placed it on the table and waited for Ben to respond.

‘You’ll always be more important and I’m sorry it’s been like this. It’s a brief hiatus of extra work, but it’ll be back to normal soon.’ Ben tucked into his dinner, clearly not as concerned about how things were currently.

‘It’s not great for when we manage to extend the family. Imagine how stressful it’s going to be when I have a newborn to deal with as well. I can’t have you choosing work over family then.’

‘We’ll deal with that when it happens.’

Fliss didn’t like it when Ben was so pragmatic. Deal with it when it happens was his motto for life. ‘Well, as it doesn’t seem to be happening, I was thinking it was time we went and got checked out.’

‘Go to the doctors?’ Ben glanced up from the greedy mouthfuls that Fliss’s full stomach wasn’t keeping pace with. ‘But they’ll only tell us what we already know. That the reason you’re not pregnant yet is we’re not trying enough. And there’s no way that can improve when we live most of the week in different regions of the country.’

‘But there might be something wrong. Just because we had Hollie without any problems doesn’t mean there isn’t a problem now.’ It was hard knowing Ben was so indifferent about the subject.

‘Don’t you think you’re overthinking it?’

‘How is it overthinking? I want a baby, you want a baby, and two years on we don’t have one. I don’t think looking into getting everything checked out is such an extreme line of thought.’ Fliss pressed her tongue against her front teeth, not wanting to get angry at her husband despite his thoughtless comment.

‘You misunderstand me. What I mean is the stress of it all. They often say the reason women don’t get pregnant is because they become very obsessed with it. I think with you that might be the case.’

Fliss’s jaw dropped open as Ben tucked into another piece of lamb. How could he insult her like that and not realise what he was saying? There was frank. Then there was too frank. This wasn’t a discussion with colleagues over blueprints; they were talking about their future.

‘I’ve done it again, haven’t I? Always putting my foot in it,’ Ben said. ‘Don’t take it the wrong way. I just mean I know it’s been playing on your mind. Of course getting pregnant will take longer for us when we’re only together for short periods of time. We’re not going hell for leather like when we were first married. It’ll be down to that. When it happens, it’ll be the right time. Pouring over internet forums and seeing other people get success only makes you more aware that we haven’t yet.’ Ben leaned across the table and caught hold of her hand. ‘I just think it’s not healthy to think about it more than necessary. We have a daughter to look after and care for. We should be pouring our love into her and the rest will come naturally.’

Fliss jerked away from Ben’s grip, annoyed that he still wasn’t getting it. ‘And what if it doesn’t? It’s not going to hurt to go to the doctor’s and start things off with some blood tests. At least we’ll know if I’m ovulating. I’m not as young as I was when I fell pregnant with Hollie and at thirty-five they already considered me a geriatric mother back then. Now I’m forty-one. It’s not like I have time on my side. Things might have changed and, if it’s a simple fix, well, I think we should explore the possibilities.’ She played with her food and forked a lump of mash across the plate. She’d felt sure Ben would be happy to start doing something about it; after all, it had been going on for long enough. She thought back to Ange’s suggestion about signing up for the programme. ‘My friend mentioned something that might help. There’s a TV documentary looking into this kind of problem and they’re providing funding for any of the couples taking part. It wouldn’t cost us anything if that’s what you’re worried about.’ The other thing their dual lifestyle was affecting was their finances. They didn’t have much disposable income and certainly no savings to cover the cost of any potential IVF treatment.

‘TV? I’m not going to do something like that to go and make a spectacle of ourselves. And I’m not worried. We just need to give it another six months. If nothing has happened in that time, we’ll go to the doctor then.’ Ben swigged on his glass of red wine and the steely expression in his eyes told her not to pursue the subject any further.

Fliss had guessed he wouldn’t want to have anything to do with the show given his reluctance with everything relating to their fertility. Ange’s conclusion on the matter was that Ben must think there was something wrong on his side and didn’t want to admit his virility was affected. Looking at him now, though, he didn’t look like a man worried about his sperm count. His gaze softened and he offered his best come-to-bed smile. It had to be said, his looks had only improved over the years. His dark-brown hair might be spattered with grey, but that only enhanced his olive complexion and deep-brown eyes. The man she’d fallen in love with was still there; she just didn’t see him as often these days.

‘We can work on it a bit harder once this project is over. I’ll take some time off. Then we’ll see where we’re at. If nothing has happened, we’ll look into what can be done. Just promise me one thing – that you’ll relax and stop reading things on the internet that are making you worry.’

Fliss didn’t like to admit it, but maybe he was right. She was becoming obsessed. A bit of time out might be the answer.

‘Come on. There is only one way I know to make babies.’ And with that, Fliss allowed Ben to lead her upstairs.

Chapter Three

Fliss should have been enjoying the freedom, but she was already missing Hollie even though she’d only been away overnight. She was used to being woken up by Hollie’s boundless bundle of energy making her way into her bed like an alarm.

Even without her daughter at home, Fliss woke automatically, her husband a foreign snoring lump in her bed. She really was getting too used to him not being there and the extra space it provided. She left him there and went downstairs, jealous of his ability to sleep in whenever the opportunity arose.

After making tea and toast, Fliss switched on her laptop and logged on to her usual forums despite last night’s dinner-time conversation. It was only so she could private message Ange, so it was totally justifiable; although was it, when she knew she was logging in here because Ben knew her Facebook password? And was it even worse that she was more able to speak to her friend who was hundreds of miles away than her husband who was sleeping upstairs? All she had to do was wake him and say, ‘Don’t you want to reconsider?’

Fliss was at the point she wanted action from Ben. Seeing a doctor and taking part in the programme would be exactly what she needed to see happening. Instead, once again, he’d put their relationship on hold. She was at the annoying phase of the phone call where she was being made to listen to Mozart on repeat and all she really wanted to do was speak to someone who would sort the problem out.

Felbaby: B said no to the show.

Fliss stopped herself adding: And I hate him for it. It was hard to accept the thing that should be bringing them together seemed to be pulling them apart.

Mummyto3boys: Apply anyway!

Fliss raised her eyebrows at Ange’s response. It wasn’t something she’d even considered; after all, they were looking for couples, so was there any point?

Felbaby: They want couples. They won’t take just me.

Fliss didn’t want to be negative, but they would laugh if she applied solo, but then she remembered it was Ben keeping her on hold and surely this was a question about her own health. If there was a problem that might have occurred as a result of having Hollie, didn’t she want to know about it?

Mummyto3boys: Try all the same. You have nothing to lose.

The combination of Ange’s gentle encouragement and her own festering annoyance at Ben made Fliss decide to throw caution to the wind and, for once, be a little bit selfish. With courage taking over her fingertips, she tapped out an email with the details Bright Idea Productions had requested and crossed everything in the hope it would find her some answers.

***

It was an hour’s drive to Fliss’s childhood home in the idyllic town of Sandwich. The four-bedroom thatched house was far too big for her mum, but since her dad, Bill, had passed away a few years ago, Joan was adamant she wasn’t downsizing. She wanted room for her family to stay whenever they needed to and she wasn’t ready to say goodbye to their happy home. As she wandered towards the house from the car park, Fliss was secretly glad she was still able to come here. With its narrow streets and limited parking, Sandwich was a town steeped in history, her own childhood amongst these very streets.

As soon as Fliss arrived, she was almost toppled over by Hollie’s enthusiastic welcome. Hollie gave the best hugs when they’d been apart for any length of time. ‘Come and see what I made with Grandma and Suzie.’

Fliss’s younger sister, Suzie, and her husband were visiting from Norwich for the weekend, so Joan was using it as the perfect excuse to get all the family over for lunch, with their elder sister joining them later.

Hollie tugged at Fliss’s arm, wanting her to follow like she used to when she was a toddler.

‘Where’s a hug for your dad?’ Ben said, having finally joined them after fussing about where to park.

Hollie looked ready to dismiss him she was so wrapped up in her mission to share something with her mum. His absence on weekdays was starting to fracture his relationship with his daughter.

For a moment, Fliss thought she might have to prompt Hollie to greet her own father.

‘Hi, Dad.’ Hollie gave him a quick hug before returning to her intended target and regaining her grip on Fliss’s hand.

Fliss gave Ben a brief smile, mostly in apology for their daughter deciding to choose a favourite parent in the same way she might select a best friend.

As Fliss was dragged into the kitchen, she was allowed a brief hand release to give her mum and sister a hug before Hollie caught a hold of her again.

‘Here it is,’ Hollie said, when they arrived at the large oak table. It was the piece of furniture Fliss missed the most. She would have loved a similar one in their own home, but they had no room for such a family-focused centrepiece.

On the table was one of Suzie’s famous chocolate cakes. Having an artisan baker for a sister really did have its perks, although it was pretty clear from the rough piping work that Hollie had obviously had a go. ‘I helped with all of it,’ Hollie said, in case Fliss needed confirmation of the fact.

‘It’s magnificent,’ Fliss said, which it really was if Hollie had only received guidance. She turned to get Ben’s agreement only to find he hadn’t even bothered to follow them in. Fliss ignored her disappointment and turned her attention again to her daughter who talked her through the entire cake-making process. If only Ben could summon the same kind of focus on what his daughter enjoyed, their relationship might not be suffering.

***

Once Caroline arrived with her husband and four children, there was barely room to move in the kitchen, but somehow they all managed to squeeze round the table. Fliss was seated between Hollie and her older sister, Caroline.

‘Everything all right?’ Caroline asked in her usual breezy manner. Despite having four children, she had a constant stress-free air about her. Like nothing would phase her ever. Caroline was who Fliss had been striving to be all her life.

Fliss answered with small talk. News of her latest work projects, the possibility of working on some interiors at a chain of small boutique hotels, how Hollie’s schoolwork was going, how Ben was fine. She skipped over the real nitty-gritty. The fact she wasn’t pregnant yet, the reality that she missed coming to these family gatherings more often. She didn’t want to get all serious when delicious roast beef and mammoth Yorkshire puddings were waiting to be enjoyed. So instead she listened as Caroline relayed their news, including the fact they’d acquired another pet – a hamster called Cheesecake – and drank in the busy atmosphere with the three sisters, all their husbands, Joan and her five grandchildren all nestled round enjoying their food.

Chink. Chink. Chink. From the other end of the table, Joan tapped the side of her glass to get everyone’s attention.

‘Here we go, I’ve been waiting for this.’ Caroline nudged a secret whisper into Fliss’s ear.

It wasn’t like Joan to go about making announcements so Fliss inwardly panicked. Was she ill? Was there something Fliss had missed?

‘Over to you, Suzie,’ Joan said once everyone was paying attention.

Fliss’s younger sister stood up and, for the first time that day, Fliss truly took in her appearance. Her cheeks were rosier than usual, her white tunic top covered by a scarf that she was still wearing despite it being dinner-time. Before her sister even began to move her lips, the penny dropped. How had she not noticed before whereas Caroline clearly had? They’d been married for two years. Of course this would happen.

‘Oli and I are delighted to tell you all we’re expecting.’

Fliss smiled as Suzie shared a hug with Joan and within moments there was much congratulating, back-slapping, and cheers.

‘Settle down for a moment everyone,’ Joan instructed. ‘I would like to raise a toast. To my latest grandchild.’

Everyone raised a glass to Suzie and Oli and automatically Fliss joined in. She was delighted for them. Delighted.

Glancing across the table, she looked to Ben for some reassurance. Just a moment to say, ‘It’s okay, it’ll be us next,’ but he was too busy slapping Oli on the back.

Going with the wave of celebration, Fliss squeezed round the table with Caroline in tow to hug their sister and start asking the zillion and one questions that every mother wanted to know: how many weeks are you? When is your due date? Have you had your scan yet?

It was during this interrogation that Ben’s phone decided to ring. He was too far out of Fliss’s reach for her to give him a sharp nudge telling him to ignore it. Instead she went for a steely stare in his direction that he didn’t register.

‘Sorry, guys. I just need to take this. Back in a minute. Congrats again.’ Ben was halfway out of his seat before anyone acknowledged he was going.

‘Hello, just hold on a minute,’ Ben said down the phone as he exited to the front of the house.

Fliss didn’t want to think about what was so important that Ben had to run out on this celebratory moment. She pasted on a cheery smile and raised her glass. ‘Congratulations to Suzie and Oli, whose adventure is only just beginning.’

Everyone joined in the toast and Fliss gave Hollie a sly hug as she went to embrace her Auntie Suzie. Yes, parenthood really was the greatest adventure. And she so wanted to do it again.

***

‘What was that all about?’ Fliss asked Ben when she got the chance.

‘What was what about?’ Ben sat next to her on the sofa, cup of tea in hand.

‘Taking a phone call in the middle of a family celebration. Surely it could have waited.’ Clearly the talk about work interfering with family life hadn’t impacted enough for Ben to consider the action inappropriate.

‘I couldn’t ignore it.’

‘Why not? Who was it?’ Fliss failed to see why he couldn’t have rung back.

‘It was a work thing.’

‘I know, it always is, but I wanted to know what was so important it couldn’t wait.’ Fliss attempted to keep her voice low, not wanting to draw attention to the discussion while everyone was enjoying a post-lunch drink.

‘It was one of our clients. It’s a complicated underground build and it’s been having a few issues. As they were calling I knew it must be urgent.’

‘And was it?’ Fliss asked, still not satisfied with Ben’s answers.

‘No, fortunately not, otherwise I might have had to leave. It wasn’t me he needed to speak to to sort the problem out, it was the foreman. So thankfully I’m still here with you and the family enjoying the day.’ Ben took her hand in his and caressed it gently. ‘I’m sorry about the bad timing.’

Fliss sipped her tea, trying to let her frustration at the recent work intrusions on family life ebb away. ‘It just seems to be becoming a bit of a habit.’ This wouldn’t have been the first time a work phone call meant Ben had to make a swift exit.

‘Here.’ Ben took out his phone and pressed the side button. ‘It’s off. No more intrusions for today. I’ll have to start doing that more often at the weekend. They shouldn’t be calling me while I’m at home anyway.’

Maybe he was listening to her after all.

Chapter Four

Mondays were Fliss’s least favourite day of the week. Just as they would get back into the swing of things with family life, it was time for Ben to head back to London. His work schedule determined whether he would go up on the Sunday evening or Monday morning. This weekend, after their discussion, he’d opted for the early wake-up call so they would have one more night together. It made for a long day as he’d managed to wake both Fliss and Hollie so a couple of hours extra entertaining her daughter this morning meant that this evening she was in need of an early night.

Before heading off to bed, Fliss carried out the usual weekday ritual of sending Ben a text summarising their day. It was hard to recall when the usual evening telephone call had been reduced to a text message, but it hadn’t been long after the house move. Hollie had been younger and, with the cottage’s low ceilings, more than once the calls had disturbed her sleep. So they’d switched to messaging each other and years on they were still texting rather than calling.

The message she typed out now was like a template for all the others.

Hollie had a good day. Two refurbished eBay items sold. Tired now. Sweet dreams xxx

What she didn’t include was the fact the show’s producer had called and wanted to visit tomorrow to assess whether her proposal was possible. Or that she kept thinking about Suzie’s pregnancy and having lustful thoughts about it being her. Little fantasies about enjoying the experience with her younger sister kept tantalising her daydreams. If only.

Fliss considered giving Ben a call to tell him how she was feeling, but there was far too much to say and she was too tired. And there was nothing to add to what she’d told him on Friday night. She’d tried to talk about their efforts for another baby and he hadn’t listened. He wanted her to wait six months, but she wasn’t at an age where she wanted to wait for half a year. She wanted to know now.