Play It Again, Sahm

Lest you start thinking this is sounding an awful lot like a Christmas newsletter, I’m saying all this because of the thing I want to talk about for this Honesty topic of the week thingy.

Frank, my sweet Francesco, has been telling me that since the kids are getting older and especially with Ashley being a pain in the behind lately, and also since he wants to avoid the mistakes he made with his ex…

He thinks we should try attending church! His family back in Italy is 100% Catholic, and he’s wanting to check out our local parish.

I know most of you all on this loop are churchgoing folks, so this is where that hard-core honesty is coming in for me. I’m not real sold on the idea of going to church. I don’t think it’s very responsible of us to expect religion to solve our problems or fix our kids. You all are generally sincere and genuine people, and I respect that. I’m just not sure I’m the religious type.

But Frank really is pushing for it. I told him if he wanted to take the kids and go, I wouldn’t put up a fuss. But he doesn’t want to go without me. Not sure if there’s a sentimental reason for that or if he just doesn’t want to handle all four kids by himself. But we’re kinda at a standoff with it.

And that there’s my confession. Hey…confession! I don’t need to go to church. I’ve got all of you.

Veronica

From: Iona James To: SAHM I Am Subject: [SAHM I AM] An Honest Greeting From Iona

Dia daoibh! (“Hi there” in Gaelic),

I will not reveal my given name, but I am called Iona—ever since I discovered that my great-great-grandmother was born there. I had a dream about her three years ago and she called me “her Iona.” When I woke up, I knew I had been renamed. I’m studying Gaelic, but it’s slow going because I don’t have anyone to practice it with.

I am a poet and songwriter for my husband’s band, Broken Wrench and Copper Bucket. I’ve recently joined your lovely little brigade because the Angel Child (my ten-month-old, Gabriel) and I are trying to learn our Life Dance with each other a bit better—and we’ve been stepping on each other’s toes too much.

My moment of utter honesty is thus:

I never intended to become a mother. What started as a moment of passion has become a never-ending progression of confusion. I love the Angel Child, but I don’t understand him. And the more I become his mother, the less I understand myself, as well.

I can’t share further with you right now, but I will in time. At the moment, I’m waiting for Francine to return. I was soaking up the beauty of God’s Word this morning and felt a strong urge to open the Bible to a random page. Every time that happens, it’s always a life-changing moment for me. So I did, and my finger landed on Psalm 141:2 “May my prayers be counted as incense before Thee; the lifting up of my hands as the evening offering.”

And I knew. It was clear to me that God was calling me to burn incense in our apartment so that we would no longer view prayer as something we do, but something we live. So I took the Angel Child and was on my way to a Tats ’N Wicks shop three blocks away to buy incense. But the Angel Child’s diaper sprung a leak about a block from our apartment. Just as I turned around to go home, a woman appeared and asked if she could help me. She said her name was Francine, and that she has eight children of her own and spent twenty years as a stay-at-home mother. I gave her twenty dollars and asked her to pick out something that smelled like Jesus and bring it to my apartment.

I believe God gave me that scripture verse so I would meet Francine today. She’s a treasure and blessing. She looks like a homeless prostitute—probably a meth addict. But Jesus visits us in the most unlikely disguises.

We’re going to invite her to live with us for a while.

May you live in the divine mystery of God, my friends, Iona James

From: Brenna L To: “Green Eggs and Ham” Subject: Re: [SAHM I AM] An Honest Greeting From Iona

What was THAT???

Brenna

From: The Millards To: “Green Eggs and Ham” Subject: Re: [SAHM I AM] An Honest Greeting From Iona

I have no idea, but I think it’s gone now. Do you suppose it will come back?

Jocelyn

From: P. Lorimer To: “Green Eggs and Ham” Subject: Re: [SAHM I AM] An Honest Greeting From Iona

It? She was beautiful, and I hope she does come back. Don’t scare her off, understand? I think I’m in love…

Phyllis

From: Hannah Farrell To: Kristina Shaw Subject: What have I gotten into?

Hi Krissy,

U R so NOT going to believe this. I joined this loop for stay-at-home moms this week, and they’re like really bizarre. The loop moderator just got out of some sort of mental hospital, I think. I guess she crawled into a coffin because she thought her husband was having an affair with a Lesbian! Can u imagine?

And then her sister is even worse! She’s not even a Christian. And she married a divorced guy! The scariest part is…he was raised CATHOLIC! In Italy, where the pope lives! He’s trying to talk her into going to church again. But she says she’s not “the religious type.” And they actually let her post on the loop!

There’s another new girl this week, too. She’s psycho. She has a ten-month-old baby, and she’s inviting a prostitute to live with her and her husband! I would NEVER be so totally stupid! If a prostitute even looked at my Bradley, she’d be sorry! Is sharing your home with a homeless hooker even Biblical? Nobody in our church would ever do that, I’m sure. What if she tempts the husband to, you know, SIN or something? And she thinks God told her to burn incense, too! I’m pretty certain incense is new age. You can’t be new age and still believe in Jesus, can you?

So I’m hugely bummed. I thought this was going to be a loop full of Christian SAHMs like me—well, sure, I figured they’d be a little older than me. But these people are really weird. I don’t think they’re what I’d exactly call “Christian” even.

I thought about just unsubscribing from the loop. But I really am very lonely without you here. Bradley is nice and all, but it’s SO not the same as having a best girlfriend. I decided not to leave the loop just yet, because maybe it’ll be better and I’ll meet some normal moms. I don’t want to be all like judgmental or anything, you know?

Well, write me and tell me all about Hawaii. YouTube it and send me some pics, okay?

BFF,

Hannah

From: Kristina Shaw To: Hannah Farrell Subject: Re: What have I gotten into?

Hey you! Hawaii is awesome. Check out the attached pics. Tried 2 txt them 2 u, but they were 2 big. Weird about that mom loop. U going 2 stay on loop? Lots of my new friends are kinda whacked like that 2. But they r fun. Lots better than our stuffy old high school! I told them all about South Carolina Crusading Lambs of God High School. They think it’s the best joke. LOL! I gotta run. Some of the guys in our group are taking me surfing this afternoon. We did all our research/school stuff this morning. Can you imagine— I’m going surfing with hot guys! My parents would totally freak out, but there’s nothing they can do about it. It’s great to be FREE!

LUV U!!!!

Kris

From: Thomas Huckleberry To: SAHM I Am Subject: Re: [SAHM I AM] TOTW June 1: Total Honesty

Hi ladies,

It looks like I’m about the last one to check in this week on the TOTW. Here’s something I bet no guy up until now has confessed to in your hearing:

I’m sitting at my computer wearing a plastic jeweled princess crown on my head and strap-on fairy wings on my back. My sparkle wand is on the desk. And I’m having a great time!

MacKenzie is playing Cinderella, and I’m her Fairy Godmother. Two years ago, if you’d suggested that I’d ever make a statement like that (or be dressed like this), I probably would never have talked to you again. But since then, I’ve discovered that only a real man has the courage to play make-believe with his daughter. She tried to put dress-up heels on me, but my feet were too big…thankfully.

Whoa, gotta go. Sounds like Mac has given the twins the choice between being the ugly stepsisters or the mice. They’re not happy. Tom

From: Zelia Muzuwa To: SAHM I Am Subject: Re: [SAHM I AM] TOTW June 1: Total Honesty

Awww, Tom!!! Fairy wings and a tiara? This is the only (and I do mean ONLY) context I’d ever say this in, but… THAT IS SO DARN CUTE! Aw, you’re a good dad. A really, really good dad!

Rock on, Tiara-man!

Z

From: Hannah Farrell To: SAHM I Am Subject: Re: [SAHM I AM] TOTW June 1: Total Honesty

There’s a MAN on the loop???

This is supposed to be a loop for MOMS! How am I supposed to be all share-y and open if there’s a guy lurking around? I can’t talk about…you know… STUFF—in front of a man!

What kind of a weird place is this? What wife would ever be idiotic enough to let her husband on a loop full of other women?

What is WRONG with you people?

Hannah

From: Dulcie Huckleberry To: SAHM I Am Subject: Re: [SAHM I AM] TOTW June 1: Total Honesty

Hannah,

I’m the “idiot” who “lets” her husband on a loop with other women. Charmed to meet you.

If you have a problem with our loop, you’re welcome to find yourself a different loop that is more to your liking. We voted to let Tom join our loop, and he’s been a great addition.

If you don’t feel comfortable discussing things in front of him, that’s your problem, not his. He is the most trustworthy, sympathetic, sweetest person in the whole world, and anyone who decides not to take the time to get to know him is a big-time loser.

Stay-at-home dads need encouragement and friendship, too. There’s no reason why only moms should get that privilege.

I knew you were young, but good grief! Apparently, you haven’t gotten past the “Ew, boys have cooties” stage yet.

Sincerely,

Dulcie Huckleberry

From: Dulcie Huckleberry To: Rosalyn Ebberly Subject: My loop post

Go ahead and slap my wrist now, Rosalyn. I’m so angry, I don’t care at the moment.

Dulcie

From: Rosalyn Ebberly To: Dulcie Huckleberry Subject: Re: My loop post

I should. I really should. But… I’ll let it go this time. The line about boy cooties was worth it. However, Dulcie dear, would you like to borrow one of my books on anger management? I’m sure you would find it so helpful!

Go soak in a nice bubble bath with candles—relieving stress and anxiety will go a long way to helping you control your temper.

Much love,

Rosalyn

“The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish tears it down with her own hands.”Proverbs 14:1 (NASB)

From: Dulcie Huckleberry To: “Green Eggs and Ham” Subject: Whaaaaat?

Rosalyn was just nice to me.

Rosalyn. Yes, THAT Rosalyn.

She was nice.

To me.

I’ve been wandering around the last ten minutes repeating this to myself and still can’t grasp it. My brain has exploded. I feel as if I’ve entered a Twilight Zone episode.

There’s something very weird afoot. Very weird, indeed.

Dulcie

Instant Message

Huck: How’s my damsel in shining armor doing?

Dulcet: Still steamed.

Huck: You didn’t have to do that, you know.

Dulcet: Do what?

Huck: Defend me. I’m a big boy. I can handle it.

Dulcet: Of course you can. But you really think I was going to let that little brat publicly slam you without saying a word in protest?

Huck: Well, it would have shocked me if you had.

Dulcet: We stick together. Attack one, and you tangle with us both. You’d have done the same for me.

Huck: Sure. But only if you weren’t able to do it yourself. I was going to post a reply of my own, you know.

Dulcet: Oh. Really?

Huck: Yeah. Was working on it when yours posted. It was going to be a good post, I think.

Dulcet: Not a rant like mine, huh?

Huck: A gentler rant. Remember, I’m on the loop strictly because of everyone’s good will. I have to be a little more diplomatic.

Dulcet: You’re not going to be able to send yours now, huh?

Huck: Probably not. Wouldn’t want to keep things stirred up.

Dulcet: I’m sorry.

Huck: Forgiven. You sure you’re okay? Her post wasn’t that bad, you know. Lots of those women had stronger objections when you first brought up the idea of me joining the loop.

Dulcet: I lost the Kerrick account.

Huck: Whoa.

Dulcet: They called today and cancelled—said they’re definitely getting a divorce. They still have to pay me for the design work to this point, but nothing more.

Huck: Okay, so we

Dulcet: I think it’ll be enough to make the bills for this month and part of next, but I don’t have any more clients! I can’t even talk to any of the clients from my previous job. And the ads I placed aren’t bringing in enough inquiries.

Huck: Dulcie, let’s

Dulcet: I’m going to fail! I was stupid for even trying this.

Huck: No, you weren’t.

Dulcet: What are we going to do? I should have done something. Stopped it from happening. I could have fixed it. I didn’t try hard enough.

Huck: DULCIE!

Dulcet: What?

Huck: Don’t you think we should take this conversation out to the living room couch? I can’t hold you when I’m typing.

Dulcet: Yeah…that sounds good.

Dulcet signed off at 5:01:56 p.m.

Huck signed off at 5:01:58 p.m.

Text Message From Jeff Ebberly: For Rosalyn Ebberly

——June 15 10:13 a.m.——

Mom, jst got n fyt. Im k. Nt my falt. Principel wl cll u. Sry. Jeff.

From: Rosalyn Ebberly To: SAHM I Am Subject: [SAHM I AM] TOTW June 15: Meeting the needs of our children

Marvelous Mommies,

After last week’s scintillating discussion on forgiveness, I thought we should turn our attention to a topic sure to warm and encourage every mother’s heart:

Meeting the needs of our children.

I’ve had to learn the hard way that EVERYTHING we do as mothers—every word, every glance, every touch—deeply affects our children for the rest of their lives!

So when you shrieked, “Can’t you be quiet for just ONE SECOND?” after breakfast this morning? Sliced their tender little souls like a piece of deli ham. They’ll forever struggle with voicing their own wants and needs. Assertiveness will never come easy for them and they’ll probably get taken advantage of by every emotional manipulator who crosses their path.

When you said you were too tired to read your son a book? Five years from now, that moment will fester into resentment that will cause him to punch another child in summer school. Ten years from now, it will blossom into a full-scale rebellion that will get him kicked out of school and placed into a juvenile detention center.

Every time you pushed their eager little hands away and impatiently told them, “here, let me do it”…it was one more blow to their fragile sense of worth. It will probably result in a total inability to sustain meaningful relationships as adults.

Not to mention a permanent spelling handicap.

How many wounds we inflict on our children every hour of every day! It’s no wonder they end up so screwed up. And it’s our fault as mothers for not meeting their emotional needs.

So let’s encourage each other on how we can do better at not ruining our children. Obviously, it’s not an easy task, considering that our own parents did a thorough job of wounding us to the point where we wouldn’t recognize a healthy psyche if it tackled us to the sidewalk. But as adults and mothers, it’s our responsibility to try to do better with the next generation, even if it kills us.

Blessings,

Rosalyn Ebberly

SAHM I Am Loop Moderator

“The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish tears it down with her own hands.” Proverbs 14:1 (NASB)

From: Zelia Muzuwa To: SAHM I Am Subject: [SAHM I AM] sahmiam totw

Ooookay. Looks like somebody needs to dial back on her happy pills… WAY too cheerful this morning!

Z

From: Dulcie Huckleberry To: Zelia Muzuwa Subject: Your note!!!

Z,

Did you realize that note went to the SAHM loop instead of our Green Eggs and Ham group? ROSALYN saw it! You’d better apologize quick. She’s going to be SO mad!

Dulcie

From: Zelia Muzuwa To: SAHM I Am Subject: [SAHM I AM] Re: sahmiam totw

Hey gorgeous mom-babes, (and Tom, of course)

Hope nobody took my previous message too seriously. Just trying to lighten the mood on this Monday. It’s rainy and foggy here in Baltimore—needed to cheer myself up a bit.

No offense intended.

Z

Instant Message

Pr31Mom: Zelia, dear.

ZeeMuzzy: ros, honey.

Pr31Mom: Thank you for your apology on the loop.

ZeeMuzzy: no prob. you know i could never bear the thought of offending anyone.

Pr31Mom: Of course not. You’re sweetness itself.

ZeeMuzzy: takes one to know one, babe.

Pr31Mom: That’s kind of you to say so. I hope you are feeling sufficiently cheered now?

ZeeMuzzy: vastly.

Pr31Mom: Great. Well, then, I’ll let you get back to your day. Since I’m sure you’re far too busy for more loop humor today, we’ll have to just get along without the giggles. Okay?

ZeeMuzzy: you never know. i might have a few spare moments later on.

Pr31Mom: That’s a relief. Wouldn’t want you to be too stressed out.

ZeeMuzzy: yes, because you’re just that kind of compassionate person, aren’t you.

Pr31Mom: Zelia, I’m serious—

ZeeMuzzy signed off at 2:38:02 p.m.

From: Brenna L To: SAHM I Am Subject: Re: [SAHM I AM] TOTW June 15: Meeting the needs of our children

This is the biggest pile of male cow manure I have ever read in my life! First off, Rosalyn, your parents did not screw you up. You want to compare dysfunctions? You all know I had Maddy at age sixteen. Yep, teen mom. I was the poster child for dysfunction. It would be easy for me to whine and say it was the fault of my parents—they were no Clair and Cliff Huxtable for sure. But my family was no worse than many of my friends’ and not all of them became teen moms. I made my own choices. We all do. So if your life has a lot of problems, then it’s up to you to make the choices you need to make in order to fix those problems.

As far as our kids go— I doubt any of us on this loop are doing anything less than our best for our kids. We’re not going to get it right all the time. Our kids will survive. At least they have so far. Guilt trips and self-loathing for our shortcomings are only going to make it harder to see what our kids really need. And when it comes down to it, our kids are the only ones who can actually make their lives successful and fulfilling. They have to choose to be that way. We can’t guarantee it for them.

You want to meet your kids’ needs? Stop being so hard on yourself. They need a mom who isn’t drowning in self-inflicted condemnation. Or whining. A mom who is happy and still realistic about who she is and her own weaknesses. And who isn’t afraid to make changes to improve but who doesn’t beat herself up for her imagined failures.

By the way—who won the fight?

Brenna

From: Zelia Muzuwa To: Brenna L Subject: Re: [SAHM I AM] TOTW June 15: Meeting the needs of our children

Girrrrrl!!!!!

From: Brenna L To: Zelia Muzuwa Subject: Re: [SAHM I AM] TOTW June 15: Meeting the needs of our children

Um, am I a good “girrrrl” or a bad “girrrrrl”?