Afraid To Lose Her

Sherri looked down where the doctor had her fingers and shook her head. “I never noticed.”

“Probably nothing.” She turned to a nurse, giving out orders. “I’m going to suture the wound. And go check on where that blood is.”

Sherri bit her lip as the doctor skillfully sewed the wound together on the front. She couldn’t watch and kept her gaze on the blinds that covered the windows that looked out into the ER. “Dr. Sprader, am I going to be able to go back to work?”

The doctor didn’t look up at her, but continued to place tiny stitches to bind her skin over the hole. “My guess is that a small thing like a bullet hole won’t keep you down.” She looked up at Sherri. “At least not for long. Now let’s suture where the bullet came out.”

Sherri turned on her side so the doctor could find the wound on her back. She winced as she felt fingertips trace the area. “My partner...”

“He’s in the waiting room, pacing. Don’t worry. I’ll give him an update once I’m finished here.” Dr. Sprader fell silent for a moment, the noise of the ER outside the room the only sounds. She sighed as she sutured the wound. “So how did you get a bullet in you?”

“Ambush during a drug raid.” Sherri sucked in air as the wound burned.

“I’ll be sure to get you some painkillers as well as antibiotics for you to take home.” The doctor placed a large square of white gauze over the wound and taped it into place. “I’m also going to ask that you take it easy for a few days so that you don’t rip out my handiwork too soon.”

Dr. Sprader helped Sherri shift again onto her back and taped gauze over the front wound. She frowned again. “Do you mind if I check something out? I don’t think it’s related to your injury, but it concerns me.”

Sherri nodded and watched as the doctor probed the area above the gauze on the underside of her breast. Dr. Sprader obviously didn’t like what she found because she told the nurse beside her to call the radiology department to get them in for a consult. Sherri frowned. “Radiology?”

“There’s a lump on the underside of your breast that I don’t like.” Dr. Sprader guided Sherri’s fingers to the spot about the size of a half pea but hard rather than mushy. “You haven’t noticed that?”

Sherri shook her head. “What do you think it is?”

“More than eighty percent of lumps are nothing, but I don’t want to play around.” She removed her bright pink skullcap to reveal short, spiky, dark blond hair no longer than an inch. “I’ve just finished my own fight with breast cancer, so I know how important it is to get answers early.”

What? Cancer? Sherri tried to find words to say but couldn’t seem to find any. Instead, she shook her head until the doctor put a hand on hers. “Like I said. Most turn out to be nothing, a cyst. But I’d rather be safe than sorry.”

“Okay.”

A nurse poked her head into the room. “Ron says he can take her in about an hour. And she’s got an army wanting to see her out in the waiting room.”

Sherri closed her eyes and took another deep breath. “Mama.”

“I can go get her so that she can accompany you up to radiology if you’d like.”

Sherri shook her head. As comforting as the thought was of having Mama next to her while they ran tests, she had to be strong and do this on her own. “No. I don’t want her to know anything yet. But I do want to see her before.” She paused. “And Dez.”

Dr. Sprader nodded. “I’ll send her back. And she’ll only know what you want to tell her.”

The doctor left, and Sherri collapsed back onto the gurney. Chances are the lump Dr. Sprader had found was nothing. But what if it wasn’t?

* * *

THE ER DOCTOR entered the waiting room and scanned faces until she found his. She gave a soft smile and approached where he stood among the many members of the Lopez family. “She’s asking to see you and her mother.”

Dez reached around and brought Perla Lopez forward. The woman grasped the doctor’s hand. “How is she?”

“She’s going to be fine, Mrs. Lopez. If you follow me, I’ll take you back to see her.”

Dez frowned at this. “When will she be ready to go home?”

“There’s some tests I’d like to run first before we release her.” She wound around the various beds and rooms before taking them back to a trauma area. She opened the door and led them both inside then quietly left.

Sherri lay on the gurney, her left arm over her eyes, which she dropped to her side and held out to her mother. “I’m going to be fine, Mama.”

Perla rushed to her left side and pulled her into an embrace, tears streaming from her eyes. “Desmond said that you were okay, but I needed to see it with my own eyes.”

“It’s okay.” Sherri winced but didn’t let go of her mother. “I’m okay.”

Dez touched her foot still in a black boot. “They let you keep the bullet as a souvenir?”

Her eyes rose to his, and she shook her head. “No bullet. Passed right through. Just like the paramedic said.”

“She said that when you were unconscious.”

Sherri shrugged. “I heard her say it, though. I’ll have to take it easy, but other than that I’m good to go. What we need to do is figure out who tipped off our drug runners that we were coming.”

“There’s time for that later. The important part is for you to get better. How are you going to pitch your killer curveball this summer if you pull out your stitches?” He felt better talking about the coed softball team they cocaptained rather than the chance he could have lost her earlier. Easier to joke around than admit that he’d almost choked on his fear. He needed her more than he had realized, wanted her in a way he hadn’t known before. Pushing that thought aside, he leaned against one wall, his hands behind his back to avoid doing something stupid like touching her to make sure she was okay. “We’re not going to lose out to the Detroit Cop Union again. You need to be in fighting shape.”

She paled but nodded. “I will be.”

“Good.”

Perla pressed a kiss to Sherri’s forehead. “Your father, he’s been pacing the waiting room. Can I send him back?” When Sherri nodded, Perla looked up to Dez. “Would you mind going to get him?”

“Actually, Mama, I need to talk to Dez alone for a moment. Work stuff. Do you mind?”

Perla kissed Sherri again then left the room. Dez raised an eyebrow at Sherri. “You want to talk work stuff?”

“No. The doctor found something, and I don’t want Mama to know. Not yet.” She touched her chest above the white gauze that covered her wound. “A lump.”

Dez took a step forward and grasped the bed rail to keep from falling. What was she saying? “What kind of lump?”

“She doesn’t know, so that’s why she’s running more tests. Dez, I’m...” She broke off and reached out to touch his hand. “What if it’s cancer?”

He clasped her hand in his. “What if it’s not?”

She swallowed, and she looked so pale. As if the blood had drained from her face and out her wound. He noticed the IV that pumped blood into her, so that couldn’t be it. She brought her eyes up to his. “But what if it is? It’ll change everything.”

“Then we’ll deal with it if it is.” He squeezed her hand. “But chances are it’s not. What did the doctor think?”

“Better safe than sorry. And she did say the chances are small.”

He gave her a smile, hoping it showed her that he was more confident than he felt. “There you go. Stop worrying about the worst-case scenario and focus on the greater possibility that it’s nothing.”

Sherri let out a breath through her nose, and her nostrils flared. “Before we went into that warehouse, you remember what you said? Well, I got a bad feeling about this.”

* * *

THE HOUR UNTIL she could get into her mammogram turned into two. She sent her family home with promises to call when she was released. She’d even said goodbye to Dez, who watched her with a dark emotion shining from his chocolate-brown eyes. She hated to have dumped her thoughts on him, but that was what they did. They shared everything, and this was just one more thing to add to the pile.

She’d been changed into a light pink smock that tied in the front. She could lift her right shoulder a little, but the pain from her side limited her motion. The ER doctor quickly assisted her. Sherri looked at her. “You don’t have to stay with me, you know. Your job ended once I was cleaned and sutured.”

Dr. Sprader didn’t look at her but fastened the ties around Sherri’s side to keep the smock in place. “I know, but I remember this. Waiting for tests, and then results. And all the time wondering what did I do to deserve it?” She lifted her blue-gray eyes to meet Sherri’s. “I don’t want you to go through it alone like I did, Ms. Lopez. Besides, I’m off duty and can do what I want.”

“I’ll be fine. And it’s Sherri.”

Dr. Sprader took a deep breath. “I’m April.”

They walked out of the dressing room and into the waiting area that was painted and carpeted in various shades of pink. April gestured Sherri to a chair and grabbed a magazine. “They’re running behind so we could be waiting for a while.”

Sherri took the magazine and flipped through it, not able to focus on the images or words. Instead, her mind buzzed with possible outcomes. Finally, she dropped the magazine back onto the table and glanced around. Another woman in a similar pink smock gave her a tremulous smile, which Sherri tried to return, but found it too much of an effort. “When were you diagnosed?”

April looked up from her own magazine. “About a year ago. I was lucky since they found it early. But I have friends who weren’t so fortunate.”

“What happens next?”

“After the mammogram, a doctor will analyze the images then maybe nothing. I’ll take you back to the ER, and you can go home.” April touched her hand as if to reassure her this would be the result.

But Sherri was a realist, if nothing else. She could focus on what she hoped would be the outcome, but she needed to know all the facts. “And if it’s not nothing?”

“An ultrasound, and maybe a biopsy. It’ll be over before you know it.”

Biopsy meant more needles. Sherri gave a small shudder. “And then?”

“Let’s wait and see before we jump to any conclusions.”

The radiology doctor must not have liked Sherri’s images because she had the ultrasound and a biopsy and left the hospital with a promise that she would receive a call with results within the next few days. She called Mama to ask if one of her brothers could come pick her up and take her home.

But it was Dez who arrived in his slick dark blue sports car. He saw her standing at the entrance and got out of the car and ran to the passenger side to let her in. “What did they say?”

She shook her head. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

He didn’t say a word, didn’t ask anything, as she buckled herself into the car and waited for him to get in and drive her home. But he reached out and held her hand the entire way home.

CHAPTER TWO

SHERRI KNOCKED ON Captain White’s office door and entered it when he called out her name. She handed him the typed report regarding the botched drug raid, and he started to skim it with interest. She took a seat and winced as she hit her side with the armrest. Captain White looked up at her. “You’re sure you’re fit to return to work?”

She’d already gotten the all clear from HR, but she nodded at her superior. “Yes, sir. It was just a twinge.”

He nodded and returned to reading her report. When he finished, he looked her over. “You think they got a tip?”

“They knew we were coming, sir. Why all the firepower when previous intelligence indicated little, or none?” She shook her head. “Agent Jackson agrees with my assessment.”

“Yes, he does.” The captain put her report on top of Dez’s and crossed his arms. “How are you really doing? If you need some time to recuperate from your injury...”

“I told you I’m fine. Sore, but nothing I can’t handle.” Her cell phone strapped to her belt buzzed. She saw the number and frowned. “Sorry, Captain, I need to take this. It’s the hospital.” She stepped out of his office and answered her phone. “Lopez here.”

“Ms. Lopez, I’m Dr. VanGilder from Detroit General. I received your biopsy results, and I was hoping you could set up an appointment to come in and discuss them.”

She plopped down on the edge of a nearby desk, her legs suddenly losing the ability to stay standing and upright. “So it’s bad news.”

There was a pause on the other end of the phone. “I’d really like to discuss this in person. Does tomorrow afternoon at four work for you?”

No. More like never worked for her. She didn’t want to meet and discuss anything with this doctor. She wanted to be given a pat on the head, told she was fine then sent back into the world, whole and healthy. “Why not next week?”

“I’d rather not wait on this, Ms. Lopez.”

That couldn’t be good. “Then I’ll make tomorrow afternoon work.” She hung up her phone and looked up to see Dez watching her. She shook her head and pushed herself off the desk. Walked into the ladies’ room and leaned over the sink, peering into the mirror above it. Did she look sick? Could she see the cancer that had been hiding in her body? Her eyes burned, and she closed them. Took a few deep breaths then left the restroom.

Dez waited for her in the hallway. “Bad news?”

He always knew without her telling him. Was he psychic or something? He had told her before it was more like her thoughts telegraphed onto her face, and he knew how to interpret its messages. “The doctor is going to go over the test results with me tomorrow.”

Dez ducked his head and stared at the floor. He muttered a curse under his breath. “Do you want me to go with you?”

“No offense, Dez, but it’s not something I want a guy to overhear about me.” She shook her head. “No, it’s time that I told my mom. I should take her.”

He looked up at her and put a hand on her shoulder. “If you change your mind, you know I’m here.”

She was tempted to step into his arms and have him hold her until she could feel close to normal again, but didn’t want to cross that line yet. She might need him later. Instead, she stepped away from Dez and walked down the hall to call her mom. “I’ll be coming over tonight after work, if that’s okay.”

“You never have to ask for permission.” Her mom paused on the other end. “I tell you what. I make your favorite enchiladas for dinner.”

“You really don’t need to. I wanted to see you and Dad.” But she knew that telling her mom not to cook was like asking the ocean not to wave. “Thanks, Mama.”

“Anytime, mija.”

Sherri hung up the phone and walked back to her desk. Took a seat and stared at her computer monitor. She should do some work. Keep herself distracted from the thoughts in her head that threatened to pull her down into a dark place. One that she feared would spread its cold fingers around her throat and choke her.

But work had little appeal, and she ended up staring at the screen and watching the clock until she could justify leaving. She waved to Dez and left the office before he could send her any more looks of pity.

Traffic from the office to the old neighborhood distracted her enough from thinking, and she soon pulled up to her parents’ house and parked on the street. She sat in the driver’s seat and looked up at the home she’d lived in since she was six. Thirty years later, her parents still stayed despite offers from her and her brothers to help them move into a condo or a smaller house that wouldn’t require as much upkeep. They turned them down, assuring them that they weren’t that old yet. Sherri doubted that they’d ever admit when things became too much.

A rap on the passenger-side window startled her. She pressed the button for it to lower and her baby brother Hugo stuck his head inside. “Mom wants to know if you’re coming in or if you plan on eating your dinner out here.”

Sarcasm from her little brother? It must be a normal day in the Lopez household. “Ha-ha. I’ll be right in.”

Hugo peered at her, frowning. “You okay?”

She nodded and got out on the driver’s side. She looked at him over the roof of her car. “Yep. How’s college?”

“Don’t remind me right now. Final exams next week. I’ve been studying so much, this is the first time I’ve been outdoors in the last three days.”

“And graduation a week after that, don’t forget.” She walked around and put her left arm around his shoulders and pulled him into a hug. “We’re so proud of you. Our baby is finally growing up.”

She ruffled his hair, and he pushed her away. “Knock it off.” He ran the rest of the short walk up to the house and opened the front door. “She’s finally here. Can we eat now? I’m starving.”

Mama walked into the living room and waved with her spatula to Sherri as she entered the house. “Hi, mija. Can you see if Abuela is ready for dinner? She’s watching her stories in her bedroom.”

“Sure.” Sherri walked down the hallway to the room that had once belonged to her until she’d moved out at eighteen and joined the army. She knocked softly on the door then opened it. “Abuela, dinner is ready.”

“Mi joya, you’re home.” Abuela groaned as she pushed off her rocking chair and approached her. She pulled Sherri’s face down to her level and gave her a loud, smacking kiss. “Tu madre tells me you got shot.”

“It was nothing.” She held up her right arm and showed off the padding under the blouse she wore. “I’ll be healed in no time.”

Abuela nodded then put her arm through Sherri’s. “If you say it is true, it is. Now tell me more about your young man.”

Sherri wanted to roll her eyes. Her grandmother never gave up on this idea that she should be married. “I don’t have one, Abuela, and you know that. I’m free as a bird.”

“Even birds make nests with their mates.”

They slowly walked down the hall and into the living room, where Sherri’s father stared at the television screen. He muttered a curse in Spanish at the baseball players then looked up at Sherri. “Those Tigers are going to put me in an early grave.”

Sherri laughed and kissed her father on his cheek. “They lose just to annoy you.”

“Bah.” He flipped the television off with the remote. “Let’s go to the table before your madre chases at me with her spatula.”

Dinner seemed quieter than their usual family dinners, but without her other two brothers and their families, less than half were present. Or maybe it was because Sherri stayed silent, lost in her thoughts. She looked up several times from her dinner plate to find Mama watching her, and she smiled as if to tell her that everything was okay.

After dinner Sherri volunteered to wash the dishes with Mama. Thirty years, and they still hadn’t bought a dishwasher. Maybe she’d buy it as a Christmas gift and save her hands from early wrinkles. She thrust her hands into the sudsy water and pulled out a plate then swiped it with a cloth before handing it to Mama.

“Something on your mind, mija? I figured you wanted to talk to me when you volunteered to wash dishes.”

Sherri nodded and tried to swallow the lump in her throat. Now that she was ready to tell her mother what was going on, the words got stuck and wouldn’t come out. She took a deep breath and washed a glass, wiping it several times before she could turn and face her mother. “Would you come with me to the doctor tomorrow?”

Mama put the plate in the cupboard. “Of course. Are you sick?”

“I don’t know.” She dropped her head and let it hang while she tried to say words without turning them into sobs. “They found a lump, and they tested it, and now this doctor wants to tell me the news in person.” She raised her eyes to her mother’s tearful ones. “I’m scared, Mama. What if he says it’s cancer? What am I gonna do?”

Mama opened her arms, and Sherri fell into them. She rubbed her back in slow circles as Sherri held on tight. “It’ll be okay, mija. No matter what it is, you’ll be fine.”

Somehow with her mother saying it, Sherri felt slightly better. Maybe it would be okay.

* * *

DEZ PLACED THE cardboard cup of coffee from the diner down the street in front of Sherri, who kept her gaze on her computer monitor. “You look like hell.”

She glanced up at him then snatched the coffee. “Thanks. I couldn’t sleep last night, so I used my time to look at the drug raid from several angles.” She turned the screen so that he could see her notes. She pointed to a list. “These are the people who knew the details about the raid. One of them had to spill the beans to someone in the drug ring.”

He noted she’d put their names on the list. “Well, you can scratch us off since I know we didn’t tell anyone. Not even the captain knew the details about the raid until after it was over.”

“I’m trying to be thorough, so our names stay.” She took a long draw from the cup of coffee and sighed. “We’re missing something. I know it, but I can’t figure out what.”

“You’re sure this list is inclusive? What about the DEA’s informant? Where did they get their intel from?” He sipped from his own coffee and took a seat on the edge of Sherri’s desk. “How do we know that their source was reliable?”

“The DEA isn’t talking right now, so we’re in the dark.” She shook her head. “They lost agents in that raid, so they’re holding their cards close to their chests.” She pressed Save on the computer and pushed away from her desk. “Something doesn’t seem right about this whole thing.”

“You’re thinking a mole?”

“I don’t know yet for sure, but it does seem like someone wanted them to know we were coming. If we had kept our planned time, they probably wouldn’t have been there. But then the lead agent bumped up our arrival and...”

“And they had to shoot their way out.” He noticed the dark smudges under her eyes, and something inside him reared its head. He wanted desperately to protect her from whatever this was. To keep her safe. “What time is your doctor appointment?”

“Four. I came in early to make up my shorter day. I told Mama I’d pick her up at three thirty.”

She looked so small, so scared. He’d never seen her like this. She was so confident, so assured. But this same woman seemed to have shrunken into herself. He put a hand on her shoulder. “If you need anything...”

Sherri stood and crossed her arms over her chest. “Don’t do that.”

He looked down at himself and held his arms out. What in the world was she talking about? “I’m just offering my support.”

“I’m not sick or dying.” But the look on her face told a different story.

“Didn’t say you were.” He noticed that her eyes filled with tears, and he muttered a soft curse before pulling her in his arms. “Don’t tell me this isn’t appropriate, but you look like you could use a hug.”

She pushed him away. “That’s what I’m talking about. Don’t hug me or tell me it’s going to be okay. I need you to act normal. Got it?”

He sure did. His warrior was scared to death about this doctor’s appointment and what it could mean for her future. Their future. A bullet had come close to taking her away from him, and now cancer could be threatening to do the same? He swallowed at the acid at the back of his throat. He couldn’t lose her. His life didn’t make sense without her. He nodded. “Normal. I can do that.”

“Good.” She picked up her coffee and looked around the office where agents started to trickle in. “Now find us a case or something to occupy our time until I have to leave.”

“I’ve got just the thing.” He pulled a file from his desk next to hers and plopped it down. “Fake IDs and passports confiscated at the Detroit-Windsor border. Want to find who’s making them?”

Sherri grinned, and Dez felt like he’d gotten his partner back from her inner turmoil.

“You really know how to make this girl’s day,” she said.

* * *

SHERRI GLANCED AT the swarthy guy who sat in the chair across the table from her, then looked down at the file in front of her. She stood and started to pace around the interrogation room while Dez casually leaned against one wall.

He’d agreed that she’d take lead in the questioning, so she slammed a fist on the file. The guy rolled his eyes at her, which just ticked her off even more. “This is a serious matter, Giroux. You’re selling fake passports and IDs, which is a felony. But then you’re selling them to people on the Department of Homeland Security’s watch list? Now we’re talking treason.” She leaned over the table. “Much more serious.”