Obsession

The bedroom door now open, Peaches trotted into the room, determined to get some affection from me. She jumped up onto my lap. I began to massage her neck, taking some comfort from the fact that my pet would always be happy to see me.

A few minutes later, Andrew returned to the bedroom door. He stood there, resting his body against the door frame and looking conflicted.

“Are you mad at me because I went on this trip with Marnie?” I asked, getting to the point.

Andrew drew in a deep breath, then let it out slowly. “Something happened,” he said simply.

So work was bothering him. It wouldn’t be the first time that the stress from work continued to bother him when he got home. I was disappointed that his seeing me hadn’t pushed any work issues from his mind, but it was a relief to know that he didn’t believe I’d done anything to hurt him.

“Is it something serious?”

He nodded.

I don’t know why, but I got the sense that this something wasn’t a run-of-the-mill work issue. Maybe Andrew had messed something up at the hotel in a big way and head office was pissed with him. Or perhaps he was involved in a conflict with someone on his staff. It wouldn’t be the first time.

“It’s okay,” I told him. “Whatever it is, you can tell me.”

He stared into my eyes, then looked away, his face filled with angst.

“Andrew.” Just how bad was this? “You know I’ll support you no matter what.”

“I’m not so sure about that.”

I frowned at him. Peaches rolled onto her back, giving me access to her stomach while she luxuriated in the attention I was giving her. “Why would you say that? Haven’t I always been there for you?”

When Andrew didn’t answer, achill crept down my spine, leaving a feeling of dread in its wake. It wasn’t like Andrew to not get right to the point. My God, something really awful must have happened.

My heart began to beat fast, several devastating scenarios jumping into my head. Had something happened to his parents? Had he gotten some awful news about his health from his doctor while I’d been away? Had he hit a child while driving?

Andrew sighed heavily. He was taking his time, gearing up to tell me the awful news, but I didn’t think my heart could take it.

“Please, Andrew. Just tell me!”

“You know I love you, right?”

“Yes, I know that,” I replied somewhat anxiously. “But I want to know what happened.”

He couldn’t look at me, making my fear worse. My eyes misted. Obviously, what had happened had been serious enough that Andrew hadn’t wanted to disturb me while I was on my trip.

I croaked, “Someone died?”

“No.”

“No?” A relieved giggle escaped my throat. “Thank God, Andrew.” I paused. Took a deep breath. “But something serious did happen, didn’t it?” Maybe he had gotten some awful news from his doctor.

“I…”

I waited. Listened. “What, baby?”

“I never wanted to hurt you.”

Those weren’t the words I’d expected to hear, and they caught me off guard, like biting into an apple and finding it’s filled with mold.

I gave him an odd look. “I don’t understand.”

“I…I did something. Something I’m not proud of.”

This had to be work related, some major screwup that had the head honchos breathing down his neck. God, maybe he’d been fired! Andrew was a manager at the Pelican Hotel and Resort in Kissimmee, close to Disney World, and the job had its share of stress. The people at Head Office didn’t always agree with how Andrew and his team ran things at the hotel.

But surely whatever he’d done wasn’t bad enough to get him fired.

“Jesus, this is so…” Andrew didn’t finish his statement.

“So what?” I prompted.

“I had an affair,” he blurted, so quickly that I was certain I hadn’t heard him correctly. After all, the cat’s loud purring could have made me mishear.

“What did you say?” I asked for confirmation, expecting him to say something else. Confirm for me that I’d misheard.

He looked at me now. “I had an affair.”

Stunned, I lowered the cat to the floor. As if she sensed the sudden tension in the room, she ran out the bedroom door.

“You—” I couldn’t repeat what he’d said.

“I’m so sorry,” he told me. He stepped into the room and closed the door. “I never meant to hurt you.”

All I could do was stare at Andrew. It was as though he had morphed into a stranger in front of my eyes.

“Please, Sophie. Say something.”

This wasn’t happening. This wasn’t real.

Andrew walked toward me, slowly, as if trying to corner a scared dog. I didn’t say a word. Couldn’t. I was too numb.

But when he reached for me, I reacted instinctively, slapping his hand away. “Don’t touch me.” I suddenly heard the ragged breaths coming from my chest. I sounded awful. “Don’t you ever touch me again.”

“This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do—”

“Shut up. Just shut up!” I covered my ears with my hands. I wanted to block his words, as though not hearing them would make what he’d said go away.

My hands still over my ears, I stared at Andrew, my eyes imploring him to take back what he’d said. He held my gaze, but only for a few seconds. Then he looked down.

“Oh, my God.” I shot to my feet. “Oh, my God.”

“Sophie—”

Gasping, I stumbled past Andrew. I wanted to run out of the house, escape to a place where Andrew’s words wouldn’t hurt me. But as I got into the living room, my knees buckled, and I was lucky to collapse onto the sofa as opposed to the floor.

An affair? My husband had had an affair?

Andrew, the guy I’d known since I was nineteen, who had gently pursued me in college until I hadn’t been able to say no. The guy who’d given me a plastic ring in a bouquet of dandelions and told me that even though he wasn’t really proposing, he wanted me to know that one day he would.

If there had been anyone I could count on, anyone who I thought I could completely trust not to betray me in this way, it was Andrew.

My eyes filled with tears. Why, why, why? Why would he do this to me? How could he?

It wasn’t like I rolled over in bed at night and complained of being too tired to make love. If anything, I wanted it more than he did. He wasn’t as aggressive when it came to sex as he’d been in the beginning, but he also hadn’t been the tear-your-clothes-off kind of guy in the first place. That kind of man didn’t look for sex on the side when he had a wife ready and happy to please him.

No, what mattered to Andrew—or so he’d always said—was our commitment to each other. Passion could wane, but he’d assured me that our love would always be strong.

“Sophie.” He spoke softly, and I whipped my head up to see he was standing near the end of the sofa.

Seeing him standing there with a pained expression on his face was all it took for my confusion to turn to anger. He dared to look pained? After he had betrayed me?

“What do you want, a medal? You think because you had the guts to confess that I’m supposed to forgive you for fucking around?”

“No,” he said softly. “That’s not what I expect.”

“Then what the fuck do you want?” I was pissed, and didn’t care if my foul mouth offended him.

He shrugged. “I wanted you to know.”

“Aren’t you just the epitome of honor. Go to hell.”

I got to my feet and marched to the bedroom. But as soon as I was in there, I whirled around. I wanted answers from the man I’d given my heart to. The man I’d married and promised to be faithful to.

No, I deserved answers.

I was fuming, my nostrils flaring with each angry breath. “You fucked someone else. Tell me why.”

He said nothing.

“Tell me why! Wasn’t I good enough for you? Lord knows you always acted like sex wasn’t the be-all and end-all, so why the hell would you end up in someone else’s bed?”

“I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?” I gaped at him. “What—were you abducted by aliens who removed your brain?”

Andrew said nothing.

“Was it a one-night stand?” I demanded. “Some slut you met out at some club?”

Nothing.

My stomach sank. “Someone you met at the hotel?”

Andrew didn’t reply.

An awful thought hit me, as painful as if Andrew had slapped me across the face. “She wasn’t a one-night stand…. Oh, God.”

Groaning, Andrew ran a hand over his face. “It’s not like…it’s not like it meant anything.”

“My God, you’re a walking fucking cliché.”

“Jesus, Sophie. Can we just…can we talk? I know I was wrong. I made a huge mistake.”

“I’ve heard enough bullshit from you.” I was cursing like a trucker, but I was angry.

“I’m trying to do the right thing here.” Andrew sounded exasperated. “That’s why I told you about it. I wanted you to hear it from me.”

Several beats passed. I was so livid, I was shaking. I needed to calm down. Not for Andrew’s sake, but for mine.

I drew in deep breaths, trying to bring myself to a better place. I wondered if I’d ever find a better place again.

“I thought I knew you,” I said. “I thought you loved me.”

“You think I don’t love you?” Andrew asked. “That’s the reason I’m telling you—because I love you. And I want to make this right.”

Make this right… As if it were so simple. As if what he’d done could be undone.

“Get out,” I told him.

He looked stunned. “What?”

“I want you gone. Out of my life. Forever, you son of a bitch.”

But even as I said the words, I couldn’t imagine a life without Andrew. Just a few months ago, Andrew and I had talked about finally having children. After having devoted the first eight years of our marriage to building up a nest egg, we were ready.

I drew in another breath and held it until my lungs burned. I didn’t want to cry, but damn it…Andrew had destroyed everything.

The dam broke on my last bit of self-control, and I began to weep. Huge, chest-heaving sobs.

Andrew gathered me in his arms and, though I wanted to, I had no energy to push him away. He held my head against his body and I cried until no more tears would come.

“God,” Andrew moaned. He stroked my hair lovingly, as though he were consoling me for an entirely different reason. “This is the last thing I wanted. To hurt you like this.”

His words pierced my heart. I took a step backward, wiping tears from my face. Somehow I was calm when I asked, “How did you think that cheating wouldn’t hurt me?”

“I know, I know. I sound like a moron. I’m just saying…all I can say is that I’m sorry.”

Feeling cold, I hugged my torso. Though I knew my arms wouldn’t keep me warm when the cold was emanating from inside me. “Sorry can’t erase something like this.”

Andrew nodded. “I get it.”

“Oh, stop giving me that look.”

“What look?”

“That wounded look. As if this is hurting you more than it’s hurting me.”

“I’m hurting too,” Andrew said softly.

“I’m sure it’s been tough,” I retorted, turning away. I couldn’t stand looking at my husband. Looking at him and knowing that the man I loved had betrayed me.

Slowly, I walked toward the wall near the bedroom door. Drained, I leaned against it for support.

Andrew followed me, but he stayed a few steps away from me. “I told you because I wanted to. Because you deserved to know. And because I hoped that somewhere in your heart, you could find a way to forgive me for being so weak. And stupid. I messed up, but this doesn’t have to be the end of our marriage.”

“Wow. Thanks for the heartfelt, unbiased advice, you asshole. Don’t you dare tell me how I should feel and what I should do, because I’m going to decide what happens next. You don’t get to have an affair and still make the decisions about our future. If you cared about our future, you never would have done something so…” My voice trailed off. I stifled a cry.

Andrew reached for me. “Baby.”

“Fuck you!” I snapped. The anger was back. Big time. “Now leave. Because I can’t stand the sight of you.”

3

I didn’t ask where Andrew was going. I didn’t care. He could be running straight to his girlfriend and planning to serve me with divorce papers, it didn’t matter. If he wanted that slut he’d screwed, he could have her.

That’s what I told myself, but in my heart I didn’t believe my bold words. I might have wanted to hate Andrew for turning my world upside down, but a person can’t turn her feelings off in an instant. The truth was, I loved him, and that made the pain infinitely more intense. That and the fact that what he’d done had come as an utter shock. I thought that Andrew and I had a good, happy marriage. And people in happy marriages don’t cheat.

I spent the night alternately crying, fuming and wishing I could start this day over. I’d give anything to be back in the Bahamas, hungover and sleep deprived. At least then I’d been sleep deprived because I’d been overdosing on fun.

Now, as sunlight spilled through the blinds signaling morning, I felt nauseous and numb. My throat was parched, and my stomach was lurching. I needed water. Something inside my stomach. But I didn’t have energy to even get out of bed.

Why? That was the question I asked myself in the moments I wasn’t crying or dozing. Why would Andrew do this to me? To us. And he had the audacity to claim that he still wanted to be with me, wanted our marriage.

I didn’t understand.

My head hurt from thinking about Andrew’s bombshell, so I closed my eyes. Closed my eyes and willed the pain to dissipate.

I must have drifted off, because I jolted awake when I thought I heard a sound in the house. Slowly, I raised my head. Was that Peaches?

It had to be. She wasn’t in the bedroom with me, which meant she was somewhere else in the house. She’d likely knocked something over, but I couldn’t be bothered to get up and check it out.

I closed my eyes then whipped them open when I heard the bedroom door open. Now I knew that it wasn’t Peaches.

Andrew had come back?

Marnie poked her head through the doorway.

“Marnie?” I asked, wondering if I might be hallucinating.

She rushed into the room. “Oh, honey. What’s going on?”

“What are you doing here?” I asked, my voice hoarse.

She plopped down onto the bed beside me, her face full of concern as she regarded me. “Andrew called. And I’m glad he did. My God—your eyes are nearly swollen shut.”

“Andrew called you?”

“Yes.” Marnie placed her hand on my forehead, feeling for a temperature. “You’re not that warm, but I’ve never seen you look this awful before. I should take you to the doctor.”

“Andrew said I was sick?”

“He just said that you might need me.”

“Hmm.” Gripping Marnie’s arm for support, I rose to a sitting position. “I need water.”

“Of course.” Marnie was on her feet in a flash. She left the bedroom and returned within a minute, holding a tall glass filled with ice and water.

I sipped, then gulped down the entire glass. I’d needed water more than I’d thought.

“I’m not sick,” I said, my voice still weak.

“Then tell me what’s going on.”

“Excuse me.” I climbed off the bed. “I need to use the bathroom.”

I made my way to the ensuite bathroom, moving slowly. I knew Marnie was concerned and confused, but she’d learn the truth soon enough.

When I saw my reflection in the mirror, I gasped. Awful was an understatement. My hair was a mess, my eyes red and swollen. I wore an expression that was beyond dejected. I looked haunted.

Given my physical appearance, including the clothes I’d been wearing from the day before that were now wrinkled, a stranger might look at me and think I’d just survived a rape.

I relieved myself, then washed my face and drank more water. My stomach grumbled, and for the first time since last night, I felt hunger pangs as opposed to nausea.

Marnie didn’t just look concerned as I walked back into the bedroom, she looked scared. “I’ve got to tell you, I’m starting to freak out here, Sophie.”

“Andrew…” I paused. Swallowed. “Andrew had an affair.”

“What?” Marnie asked, aghast.

I couldn’t repeat the words, only nod.

“He’s leaving you?”

I sank onto the mattress beside Marnie. “He says he still loves me. Still wants me.”

“What?” Marnie was outraged.

Her anger helped fuel my own. I’d spent an entire night depressed over Andrew’s betrayal, but I needed to pull myself together. Andrew had hurt me enough, and wallowing in self-pity was simply going to add to my pain.

“Yeah.” I nodded. “Shocker, huh?”

“Oh, sweetie. Oh, my God. I’m so sorry.” Marnie paused. “Have you eaten anything?” Like that was the answer to my crisis.

“Nothing.”

“Let me fix you some food.”

“Where’s Peaches?”

“She ran outside when I opened the door. Look, the cat’s going to be fine. It’s you I’m worrying about.”

I nodded.

Tugging on my hand, Marnie pulled me up from the bed. “I know what you’re going through. Believe me. And I’m going to help you deal with it.”

“Thanks.”

I walked with her to the kitchen, but she insisted that I sit in the living room and put my feet up. I did, and for lack of anything better to do, I turned on the television.

The Maury Pauvich Show was on, dealing with unruly kids who were going to be sent off to boot camp. I’d seen several shows of this variety, with bold and foul-mouthed children balking at any authority, only to end up weeping and begging for their mothers after a few days of military-enforced submission.

“They should have boot camp like this for cheating husbands,” I commented.

“What?” Marnie asked.

I could see her working in the kitchen, getting the skillet hot to fry eggs. She already had coffee brewing.

“I’m watching Maury Pauvich, and they’ve got out-of-control teens that they’re sending to boot camp. I think he ought to do a show where they send cheating men to boot camp. I’d tune in for that one.”

“Wasn’t he an unfaithful husband?” Marnie asked.

“I don’t know. Maybe they all are,” I added softly. Marnie and Brian had fallen apart because they ultimately wanted different things, but her first husband, Keith, had cheated on her as though he’d been going for some kind of world record.

Marnie wandered into the living room with a mug of hot coffee. “Two creams, two sugars—just the way you like it.”

“Thank you.” With a smile, I accepted the mug from Marnie, then watched as she sauntered back to the kitchen. I was glad she was here. Because she’d shown up, I was no longer in a cold, dark, depressing place. Friends were what helped keep people sane when they went through heart-wrenching experiences. Without someone to turn to, a person could get lost in their grief and be unable to find their way back to sanity.

While Marnie fried eggs, I turned back to the television. A young female was taunting the audience with, “Yeah, so I slept with fifteen guys—what’s the big deal?” while they all booed her and her mother sobbed. A caption on the screen identified the girl as thirteen-year-old Cathy.

I actually chuckled as Maury placed his hand on the shoulder of the girl’s mother, asking how she felt about her daughter’s shocking admission. The mother was a blubbering mess but managed to say, “I can’t believe she would do this to me.”

I rolled my eyes. I wasn’t a parent, but I was a teacher, and I’d seen firsthand the kinds of problems that arose when parents took the submissive role and let their kids get away with everything. When they didn’t set boundaries. Or, when they didn’t punish kids for breaking the rules.

“You want to eat in front of the television?” Marnie asked. “Because I can bring out a couple of trays.”

“No, no.” I got to my feet and walked across the living room to the kitchen’s dinette area. “Though watching shows like Maury certainly helps a person forget about her own problems.”

Marnie set a plate of eggs and toast in front of me, then took the seat to my right. She had only the coffee for herself.

“Thanks so much,” I told her. “If you hadn’t shown up, I’d still be in bed, half-comatose.”

Marnie sipped her coffee. “Ok, now tell me what happened. You got home last night and what—you found evidence of some other woman here or something?”

“No.” I lifted my fork and cut into my egg. “He came right out and told me.”

“Nice welcome-home present. Sheesh.”

“I knew something was wrong, but I never would have guessed….” My voice trailed off, ending on a sigh. Then I continued, trying to recite the facts without emotion. “He was acting weird. I wanted to make love, but he wasn’t into it. Next thing I know, he’s all serious, saying he’s got to tell me something. I actually thought someone had died.” Shaking my head at the memory, I stuffed some egg into my mouth.

“I wish I could say I’m surprised,” Marnie began, “but I have to say, nothing men do surprises me anymore.”

“I was devastated last night,” I went on. I still was, but now I was determined to regain control of my emotions. “Mad at first, then devastated. But you know what—I didn’t do this. Andrew did. I’m not saying it doesn’t hurt, but fuck, if this is the hand that life has dealt me, I am going to deal with it and move on.”

Marnie gave me a slightly skeptical look, but God bless her, she didn’t voice any doubts. I’d seen her after her marriage had fallen apart, and though she’d seen it coming, it had taken a long time for her to recover.

“It’s not going to be easy,” I said. “I get that. But you know what, there are other fish in the sea.”

I felt emotion welling up inside me again at the thought of a life without Andrew, and I quickly ate more food before I started crying. Clearly, I was lying to myself.

“I’m here for you,” Marnie said. “We’ll go shopping, clubbing, whatever you need to take your mind off this.”

I nodded. “I know.” I’d done the same for her. “I mean, I know it’ll be hard. I loved Andrew. I still do. But I can’t let this ruin my life.”

Marnie nodded, sipped her coffee. “Did he tell you anything about her?”

“Not much. But it sounds like she wasn’t a one-night stand.” I took a bite of my whole-wheat toast.

“What an asshole,” Marnie muttered. “Sorry, but—”

“Don’t apologize. You’re absolutely right. And I can’t believe he told me this, expecting I’d just forgive him.”

“Word of advice here—and I know it’s early, and I’m not trying to tell you what to do—but you forgive a guy when he cheats, and there’s nothing to say he won’t do it again. In fact, it’s almost like they see your forgiveness as a sign to do it again. Trust me, I learned the hard way with Keith.”

Would Andrew be that way? I couldn’t imagine. Then again, I never imagined he’d ever cheat. He’d seemed too grounded, too controlled, too stable—opposite of spontaneous—to do something like that.

“I don’t know what I’m going to do,” I admitted. “Part of me hates him, part of me loves him.”

“You’ll figure it out,” Marnie said. “But you don’t have to do it today. How about we hit the mall for some retail therapy. And we can take in a matinée. That new film with Will Smith. Two hours of shameless ogling.” Her face lit up. “What do you say?”

“Will Smith? How can I argue with that?”

The retail therapy was fun, netting me a new pair of shoes and a slinky black dress I promised to wear out to a club with Marnie on the weekend. But Will Smith was like two painkillers, easing my heartache for the two hours he appeared on screen. Marnie had cheered loudly when he took it all off in a shower scene, and while I hadn’t been as vocal, I’d certainly enjoyed his delicious body.

We pulled into my driveway shortly after five. I collected the bags with my purchases and got out of Marnie’s black Nissan Sentra.

“I’m serious,” Marnie said. “Call me if you need me, no matter the time.”