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Faces of Grief. Overcoming the Pain of Loss
Faces of Grief. Overcoming the Pain of Loss

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Faces of Grief. Overcoming the Pain of Loss

Язык: Английский
Год издания: 2020
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Stage 2 – Anger

After you realize that you have lost something or someone who was dear to you, it is normal to start feeling angry. It is the first realization that the loss is real. When you start looking for something or someone to blame for the loss, you may feel guilty for not protecting your loved one or not being there when they died. Intense emotions enter, and you start to blame everything around you – God, the Universe, your job/or responsibilities that kept you away, doctors, the healthcare system, people who were with the deceased at the time of death – anyone or anything that could have contributed to the death or who, in your opinion, were not “good enough” to save your loved one. Questions come to your mind: “Why me?”, “How could this happen to me?”, “Why would God not protect me and my loved one?”. Anger and rage are normal at this stage; however, anger in grief is not akin to anger in ordinary daily life. The cause of this anger can’t be undone: no one can make it right. Anger in grief is not directed at anyone in particular; therefore, it can involve anyone around the grieving person, even the grieving person him/herself.


If you are dealing with someone in the anger stage of grief, let the person vent their emotions, listen to him/her, and do not advise them to calm down or control themselves. Just be there and support them while looking after them to ensure they are safe and are not contemplating hurting themselves or others.

Stage 3 – Bargaining

This stage comes when you start pondering if there was anything that you could have done differently to prevent the loss. You begin reflecting about how things could have been different: «This would not have happened if I did not do this or did not say that» or «If only we had gone to see a doctor earlier». It is a typical cognitive discussion, and in a way it is even helpful in reconstructing the events and causes leading to the death of a loved one. Often such bargaining processes help the grieving person receive approval from those around them, along with the reassurance that they could not have changed what happened, they did all they could, and that the loss was not their fault. This is one of the most critical stages of grieving and requires the most support from others. Listen to the person in the bargaining stage. Let them tell you all of their conditional thoughts, including what they think could or should have happened. Make sure to encourage them to share as much as possible, but do not interrupt them or tell them that their thoughts are irrational. Be gentle, take time to talk about everything, and reassure them that certain events in life are beyond our control. Suggest undertaking some activity that the deceased enjoyed, or always talked about experiencing, in the future. Be there when emotions start pouring out.

Stage 4 – Depression

This stage is really the time to say good-bye. You have exhausted your anger, bargaining has led nowhere, and you realize the lost loved one is not coming back. There is nothing you can do, no one you can blame, and no reasons, excuses, or negotiations that can bring the lost person back. It is the feeling of sadness, of actual irreversible loss, that is embraced during this stage. According to clinical science, depression can be categorized as low mood, insomnia or hypersomnia, fatigue, feelings of guilt, sadness, hopelessness, diminished interest in usual activities, irritability, or lack of concentration. All of these feelings are normal for grief; however, the major difference between grief and depression is that the above symptoms in grief focus on the absence of the loved person, while in depression they focus on one’s self and feelings of helplessness or hopelessness about current or future situations.


What can you do when someone close to you is suffering from depression? The first rule is to not tell them that you know how it feels. The truth is – you don’t. Everyone carries their own cross, and everyone’s sadness is different. The best you can do is be there, silent or talking, and make your presence felt. Cook a meal, make a cup of tea, and take care of the person going through this stage. Ensure that they feel listened to and that they can talk to you about anything. Watch out for suicidal thoughts – you need to get help, in that case. Often you will hear thoughts like “I’ve lost any meaning in life”: acknowledge that, but be firm in reassuring the person that life also can continue with the memory of the late loved one. Ask the grieving person how their loved one would have liked to have seen them at this moment, and what would they have wanted them to do.


Dealing with depression is not an easy task. There are specific chemical processes happening in the brain and body of a depressed person which are difficult to reverse. In depression, the interaction of the endocrine system with the immune and the nervous systems is altered, as neurological processes activated by chronic stress and by depression are similar. During depression, the levels of catecholamines – serotonin, noradrenaline, dopamine drop, and glutamate – raise.


Depression has been associated with the weakening of the immune system. Depressed individuals suffer from impairments of the sleep cycle such as insomnia, further reinforced by the lack of physical exercise and an alteration of eating patterns. Therefore, the critical task in this stage is to encourage the grieving person to take care of themselves and pay attention to their own health by maintaining a well-balanced diet, taking the necessary medications, getting enough sleep, exercising regularly, and avoiding excessive alcohol, smoking, drugs, or other self-destructive behavior. Exercise is particularly important as it helps restore the chemical balance in a person’s brain by adjusting the levels of neurotransmitters and hormones.

Stage 5 – Acceptance

This stage is the trickiest stage of all. People may think they have accepted their loss, when really they haven’t. In fact, every big milestone and every major event in life will trigger grief again, over and over. This is normal, as it is hard (or even impossible) to accept that someone so important and dear to you is gone. Some people will claim that they have accepted the loss immediately after their loved one has passed away, while others will come to this stage only after passing through all the other stages first. No matter what the timing, the real manifestation of acceptance is the calmness a grieving person will experience as they move on with their life, discovering meaning in continued living and finding the strength and motivation to move on. Acceptance of loss does not mean forgetting the person who passed away or changing your life to avoid any reminders of the loss. Acceptance is more about integrating the loss into your life and moving on while holding onto the heritage of the person you lost and using this as your strength.


Death is a given from the moment we are born. It is the one sure thing that will happen to every one of us, no matter our social position, health status, education, or political values. Grief is strengthened by the realization that we are not immune from death. Awareness of one’s mortality is a conscious perception; an anticipation of the inevitable, which human beings often fear to embrace.


Integration of our own and our loved ones’ mortality is a very important step in achieving psychological wellness and avoiding living in fear. The time of death is beyond our control, much as the time of birth is beyond our control before we are born. Thus, acceptance is a truly powerful and important stage in the grieving process, allowing the person to grow stronger, value life more, and honor the memories of a lost loved one by continuing this life journey.

Chapter four. Types of Losses

“The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.”

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross (1926—2004)

Some losses may be easier to come to terms with than others: for example, the death of elderly family members. Other losses, such as losses of children or young adults to accidents, illnesses, or wars, are far harder to process. When an elderly person dies, I often hear people saying that “he or she lived a good and long life”. That doesn’t mean that the spouse or the children will not grieve their loss. Every death takes away a part of the life of the grieving person, as well as reminding them about their own mortality and awakening the fear of death.


In general, the death of a child and the death of an elderly person have a lot of similarities and differences as far as the grief process and adapting to the loss are concerned. Due to the nature of the loss and the expectation that parents are expected to die before their children, the loss of a child is an unexpected event; while the loss of an elderly person, in contrast, is usually an expected one. This, however, does not mean that the loss of an elderly person will not evoke emotional distress and grief. The disruption of the child-parent bond causes emotional upset and bereavement irrespective of timing, when it dissolves.


In the following chapters we will look at the differences that the loss of a spouse, parent, child, or sibling bring with them. No loss is easy, so by no means should one consider that it may be easier to cope with one type of loss over the other. As we discussed before, our grief depends on the level of attachment and on the type of the relationship we had with the deceased. So the more you cared for the person while he or she were alive and the more you felt attached to and depended upon the person, the more you will grieve the loss of the attachment bond and the more difficult learning to live with that loss will be. One of the further chapters will also talk about the loss of a loved one through suicide.


Anger, despair, emptiness, and being haunted by question «why?» are some of the difficult feelings the loved ones of the deceased go through as they cope with their sudden loss.

Chapter five. Loss of a Parent

«Parting is all we know of heaven and all we need of hell.»

Emily Dickinson (1830—1886)

For a child, the death of a parent is always a traumatic experience. When the parent of a young child dies, the trauma may lead to long-term psychological harm. Other adults in the life of a child are usually preoccupied with their own grief and often can’t provide timely and necessary support to a child, try to fence the child off to protect him from church services, funerals, etc. However, saying last good-byes and having a clear understanding of what happens when a person dies is critical for to child’s recovery from grief and adaptation to a parent’s death.


The death of a parent when a child is young does not only lead to negative outcomes. There can be positive outcomes too. Children who have lost parents at a young age may possess increased maturity, better coping skills, and be better able to communicate their feelings. They also place higher values on their relationships with other people than those who have not experienced a loss in their early lives.


The death of an elderly person is an expected, nature-driven event. Advancing age is associated with the development of many chronic conditions and an overall decline of biological and immune functions. Adult children can psychologically prepare themselves for the possible death of their elderly parents and, in most cases, are able to come to terms with the loss when it occurs. It is considered to be a normal life course event. Anticipation of the death of an elderly person, however, does not lessen the grief response, because children grow up with the feeling that parents are invincible. The death of a parent is also a major life transition that may spark an evaluation of one’s own life and the sense of one’s own mortality. Thus, though expected to cope with the death of a parent in a milder, less emotional way, adults may be faced with extremely powerful emotions.


The loss may seem particularly unbearable if the death of a parent occurs at an important or difficult time in the life of the adult during times of emotional stress such, as becoming a parent, divorce, changing jobs or other life-altering milestones. Circumstances of death are also known to impact the grief and bereavement process. Heavy caregiving by the child often brings stronger ties to the parent and greater emotional distress upon death. The location of the death (home, nursing home, distant living) may hold differing impacts on the emotional distress of a surviving child.


Ones relationship with a parent is the longest relationship in the person’s life, and the loss of a parent often requires additional strength to be processed. Many people mention the need to be isolated to reconstruct their memories and the details of their relationship with their parent, and they may want to shut out friends and other family members to have more time alone to deal with their pain.


It is important to recognize that the loss of a parent is a profound loss that will cause severe distress, sadness and feelings of loneliness and numbness. It is often said, «as long as your parents are alive, you remain a child». With the death of a parent, childhood is officially «over» and you become next in line on the journey of life. Recognition of loss and acceptance of grief will help ease the pain and maintain ties to the deceased, giving meaning to the loss and emphasizing the continuation of life.

Maria – A Motherless Daughter

«There is something about losing your mother that is permanent and inexpressable – a wound that will never quite heal»

Susan Wiggs (1958—present)

Maria, a 32-year-old doctoral student, lost her 44-year-old mother when she was 13 years old. Her mother died 6 months after receiving a diagnosis of ovarian cancer. The tumor was diagnosed at a late stage: it had already metastasized to the liver, intestine, and lungs, and there was no possibility of any treatment. All the doctors could offer was end-of-life pain control.


Maria didn’t know about her mother’s diagnosis until the final weeks of her mother’s life, when her mother became too weak to get out of bed. She still remembers crying every day at her mother’s bedside, hugging her, and smelling her hair while her mother told her “I love you, I love you, I love you”. Maria’s father was heartbroken. He could not stop sobbing and seemed to have completely lost the will to live.


After the funeral was over and the hundreds of relatives and friends who came to say their good-byes left, Maria remembers feeling drained and empty. There were no more tears and no energy for crying or even talking. There was nothing to keep her connected to her friends – they all had their mothers next to them, and nobody understood what it felt like to lay your mother to rest and return to an empty house where Mum was no more…


Every item in the house and every little detail had been touched by her mother’s hands. It was both a blessing and a curse to be where she once had been. Maria’s life changed abruptly and forever.

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