Faces of Grief. Overcoming the Pain of Loss

It is better to avoid anything that reminds you of the deceased

Avoidance is the worst coping strategy in grief outside of denial. Even the most painful reality is better dealt with head on and with full realization of what has happened. Avoiding reminders of the deceased and denying a loved one’s death will only extend the time needed to come to terms with the loss and achieve acceptance. Denial and avoidance may come naturally as the first reaction to the shocking news; however, it should not last too long, as a healthy coping pattern requires that the grieving person should work through their pain and loss to restructure their perceptions to help themselves emerge from grief. Grief also comes in cycles, so it is normal to try and avoid reminders of the deceased loved one during these periods of intense longing. However, it is more helpful to dedicate a space and time in your life to purposefully embrace what seems to cause pain (photographs, personal belongings, letters) and celebrate the presence of the lost loved one in your life.

Feeling angry while grieving is not right

Anger is one of the healthy and normal feelings of grief. In fact, anger constitutes one of the five stages of grieving (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance). Anger is the first realization that the loss is real. Anger comes when the bereaved starts looking for something or someone to blame for the loss. It can revolve around the feeling of guilt for not protecting a loved one or not being there when they died. It is helpful to understand that anger in grief is not similar to anger in ordinary daily life. The cause of this anger can’t be undone: no one can make it right. Anger in grief is not directed at anyone in particular; therefore, it can involve anyone around the grieving person and even the grieving person him/herself.

Children need to be protected from death, funerals, and grief: they can’t understand it, anyway

Children at different developmental stages understand death, dying, and loss differently. However, as they mature, they often question the information previously received. Honest and clear explanations appropriate for the age of the child will help a child deal with loss and help them form a trusting relationship with the surviving significant adult. The child learns how to grieve by looking at parents, other family members, or significant adults in life. The way the child grieves the first loss and the coping mechanism and skills they learn while living through this loss will remain with them for life. If a child is shielded from any contact with pain, loss, and grief or is told fairy tales about what happened, he/she will form mental misrepresentations and misperceptions of reality that will block healthy and reasonable thinking and may become a foundation for future fears and phobias.

You can’t continue a relationship or communicate with your loved one after they die

Death ends a life, but does not end a relationship. Everyone who goes through the loss of a loved one will realize this. Relationships with a loved one carry on and continue for as long as they are remembered. The heritage of a person is formed through memories, photographs, and recalling the sayings, deeds, and impact your loved one had on your life. Many bereaved people report mentally talking to the deceased. When a very close person is lost, you would know how he/she would react to events happening in your life after the loss, what they would say, and what advice they could have given you. An ongoing mental connection with the deceased proves the strength of the bond that existed and allows the bereaved to feel the connection and existence of the deceased in their life.

The intensity of your mourning and grieving proves how deeply you loved the deceased

The intensity of grief and the intensity of mourning are not the same things. Grief is your internal reaction to the loss and mourning is the external display of grief. Very often, these two do not coincide. As we know, people often differ in how they express their emotions, depending on whether they are extroverts or introverts, on how close, understood, and accepted they feel in their social circle, and on many other factors. So if someone is not mourning their loss publicly, doesn’t cry, and doesn’t want to talk, it does not mean that the person doesn’t experience grief. What you show and what you feel can vary a lot. This is particularly true for children and adolescents who often have difficulty expressing their feelings in public, fearing judgment or feeling uncertain about how to do so simply because they have still not reached their emotional maturity.

People who have physical problems in grief must have been sick before

Grief causes many different symptoms affecting the psychological, behavioral, and physiological health of the bereaved. Physiological symptoms may include loss of appetite, sleep disturbances (feeling lethargic or not being able to sleep through the night), loss of energy and exhaustion, physical complaints similar to those the deceased had endured, drug abuse, and susceptibility to illness and disease. Previously healthy individuals may present with severely weakened health during and as a result of their bereavement. Through research in the last decades, we now know that grief is associated with an increased risk of illness, the most common being infections due to the weakening of the immune system as well as depression, anxiety, and other psychiatric conditions. Bereaved individuals are more likely to seek medical help as both outpatients and inpatients, and may use more medication. A grieving person will usually neglect his/her own health by not maintaining a well-balanced diet, forgetting to take necessary medications, not getting enough sleep, and not exercising. Some may abuse alcohol, smoke excessively, use drugs, or engage in other self-destructive behaviors.

Funerals and rituals are socially required: they play no role in accepting death or helping us heal

Cultural and religious traditions in memorial services and funeral arrangements serve a great purpose of providing a safe and calming environment allowing the relatives and friends of the deceased to mourn their loss. They instill order in the face of shock and overwhelming pain and serve as an important step in the process of grieving. The denial of loss will usually be resolved after the funeral, as obvious facts of saying good byes and burying the body make the reality of loss hard to avoid. And finally, even though we don’t like doing things that are socially required, knowing that the memorial service was attended by all those close to the deceased and the family of the deceased, who expressed condolences and grieved together with the family, also provides a soothing effect of knowing a family is not alone in its grief. The family also finds comfort in knowing that the deceased would have approved of the ceremony held in his/her memory and would have been touched by such an outpouring of kind words and memories and the support for his/her loved ones.

If you are a strong person, you will keep yourself collected, in control, and not show how upset you are by crying. Crying doesn’t help.

The days are long gone when crying in public or displaying emotions was considered to be embarrassing or a sign of weakness. Today we know that even the strongest of us cry: it takes strength to express emotions, and crying holds a therapeutic effect by relieving the pressure of internal pain and releasing it through tears. Cry if you feel like crying, and don’t hold back. Crying is healing, revealing that you are human, too, and that your heart is not made of stone. Allow yourself the luxury of being weak when being strong serves no purpose. Crying helps, and should never be considered a sign of weakness.

You will cry, mourning the loss of a very special person in your life: but remember that its the life that was lost; not the relationship. Your relationship with the person will continue no matter what, through memories and keeping that person in your heart.

You may mourn the loss of your hopes for the future with this person, but remember that you can go on in the future and do things you were planning to do together in the memory of your loved one.

Going on with your life means putting behind you the memories of your loved one and your life together

“Moving on with your life” means processing loss and focusing on major tasks that need to be completed in order to emerge from grief. These include accepting the reality of a changed world, taking time off from the pain of grief, adjusting to a world that doesn’t include the deceased, and developing a different connection with the deceased while embarking on a new life. The deceased will not (and should not) be forgotten in order to emerge from grief. Quite the contrary: incorporating loss and memories of the loved one into one’s new life after loss helps grievers move on. It may be helpful to remember the deceased by engaging in activities that help commemorate a loved one. Examples include attending religious services, visiting the gravesite, praying, creating a memory book with photos and stories, or assembling a memory box with the belongings of the deceased, or giving to a good cause such as medical research, a scholarship fund, or charity.

You need to keep yourself busy and distract yourself with other activities, rather than actively grieve your loss

Grief is a process that requires a lot of work from the bereaved. Avoiding dealing with grief will only extend a cycle that needs to be completed in order to emerge from grief. Take time to grieve your loss, and don’t be hard on yourself. The grief process may turn into a roller coaster with many ups and downs if you don’t process and come to terms with your feelings. The feelings you will experience are yours and yours alone. They are neither right nor wrong; they just need to be respected, expressed, and acknowledged.

I could continue this list, but I think you understand that most things that we hear when someone passes away are dysfunctional and negative beliefs that often dictate our behaviors and lead to a worsening of bereavement in grief. I hope that, with time, these negative beliefs can be left in the past where they rightly belong.

How to Help Yourself in Grief

«Only people who are capable of loving strongly can also suffer great sorrow, but this same necessity of loving serves to counteract their grief and heals them.»

Leo Tolstoy (1828—1910)

One of the strongest reasons for writing this book was to provide enough information to put the myths about grief to rest and assure grievers that everything they feel is normal, and that they have a right to behave as they feel. Holding on to myths can hinder the healing process and lead to depression and frustration. It is very important to have realistic expectations of what you may and will experience in grief.

These true expectations are:

Grieving is a natural process

It leads slowly from the pain of loss to a new life without the deceased. You don’t get over it: you learn to live with it.

Your grief will change with time

It does not always decrease intensity. The grief process is much more like a roller coaster, with ups and downs happening at times when you least expect them.

You are the expert about your own grief

No one can understand your grief better than you do.

When you grieve, you grieve not only the person you have lost

You also grieve all the hopes and dreams you held for a future with the person who died.

You have the right to your own feelings

No feelings are right or wrong: they just are, and you and other people around you need to respect that. Give yourself permission to feel and express all the emotions you are experiencing.

Crying is one of the ways of coping with grief

Tears help us release the pain and pressure from within. Crying doesn’t mean that you are weak or cannot control yourself. Tears mean that you have loved. Crying helps you heal. So go ahead and cry.

You will experience physical problems as you grieve

Our immune system is strongly influenced by our emotions. In times of acute stress, our bodies’ defenses are focused on restoring emotional and physical balance, and the immune system’s ability to fight bacteria, viruses, and cancer cells is impaired. Loss of appetite or overeating, lack of sleep or lethargy, and lack of physical activity are just a few critical symptoms of grief. Therefore, when in grief, it is very important to take care of yourself. Fresh air, walks, rest, physical activity, and good food are essential to keep the body functioning and the immune system strong. Try to stay away from drugs, alcohol, or tranquilizing medications as these can delay your healing. Be good to yourself.

Grief brings despair

You may feel you have nothing to live for. Sometimes you might wish your life would end, to stop the pain. Please remember that you are not alone. Many people feel and think this way, but over time their pain lessened and they found a sense of meaning and went on living. Time may not heal all wounds, but it helps.

You may blame yourself for your mistakes

Some mistakes may be real, while others are imaginary. Talk about your thoughts with others: it helps. Find a therapist who works with grief if you feel that self-blame and guilt are hindering your healing. It is possible to find forgiveness and restructure even the heaviest guilt.

It is normal to feel angry when grieving

You may feel angry at the person who died (or left you alone), at other family members, at doctors or anyone who didn’t save your loved one or did not do enough to help, at other families who have not lost their loved ones – even at God and the whole Universe. Releasing your anger and working with it helps you heal. Suppressing anger leads to depression and harms you physically.

The death of a loved one can challenge your beliefs

These beliefs may be in God, in your religion, or in the justice of the Universe. There is nothing wrong with it. Many people find answers in their religion during times of grief: they find a deeper meaning of life, their faith, and overall philosophy.

The loss of your loved one may trigger grief for earlier losses that you had not resolved at the time when they occurred

Unresolved losses, guilt, and self-blame will need to be resolved as part of confronting your current loss. Think of this as a chance to heal your old wounds; to become free from carrying heavy old luggage.

Grief will evoke your own mortality issues and force you to re-evaluate your identity

Give yourself time to process these important aspects. Seek help, if necessary.

Give yourself permission to grieve

Feelings are neither right nor wrong, they need to be respected, expressed, and acknowledged.

What Not to Say to a Grieving Person

«Is it really possible to tell someone else what one feels?»

Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina (1828—1910)

Many grieving individuals are even more hurt by the sayings and meaningless phrases that are commonly said to someone who has lost a loved one. One of the most common is “I know how you feel, my mom/dad/cousin/friend died last year…”. However, comparing tragedies and losses is never helpful. It is NOT what a grieving person needs to hear at the time of loss.

Below is a list of hurtful and damaging sayings that bring no relief to a grieving person. Some people don’t even know why they say those things. Often the situation is awkward, and these words come to mind because we heard them from others, or heard our parents saying them in response to loss. Most of these sayings refer to getting over the loss quickly and offer advice on how to avoid the pain. But as I explain in this book, avoiding the pain and skipping the grieving stages (or going through them too quickly) is not a realistic expectation.

Trying to avoid the pain or reminders of loss is unhelpful, will backfire at a later stage, and will only cause more pain and destruction. Please consider avoiding common platitudes and “click phrases” and think about offering more thoughtful and meaningful support to a grieving person.

Platitudes and sayings to avoid include:

1. I know how you feel.

2. God has a plan for all of us.

3. Just look at all the things you have to be thankful for.

4. He is in a better place now.

5. God needed another angel.

6. At least he is not suffering anymore.

7. She is at peace now.

8. Everything is for the best.

9. Thank God, you/others are still alive. It could have been worse.

10. You still got your other kids/spouse/other parent.

11. Don’t cry… it will not change what happened, and will only upset you.

12. This, too, will pass.

13. He lived a full life.

14. God never gives you more than you can handle.

15. You need to get on with your life.

16. You are strong, you can handle this.

17. You must be strong for the kids/for others.

18. You will get over it in time.

19. Time heals all wounds.

20. In a year everything will be ok.

21. You’ll be fine, just give it some time.

22. You are young, you could always have more children.

23. You need to be a man in the house now/you need to take over his/her duties now.

All of the above phrases are not helpful, can cause further pain and demonstrate to the person that the feelings of grief he/she experiences are not valid, should not be expressed or felt. Instead of saying these, please consider helping the grieving person by offering support from the examples listed below.

How to Help a Grieving Person

«You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present.»

Jan Glidewell (1944—2013)

When you find yourself next to a grieving person, do not be afraid. The death of a loved one is a natural event in life, and can happen to any of us. There are some basic rules on what to do and say. As we discussed, many of them will depend on the stage of grief a person is going through and the type of loss experienced. Here are some common tips on what to do or say to help someone in grief.

Be present

Just be there. Give the grieving person a hug or a kiss, hold their hand, and offer them a shoulder to cry on. Say «I’m sorry», «I am here for you», «I care». Even if you don’t know what to say, your presence provides comfort, and so is helpful.

Acknowledge the loss in an honest way

Do not avoid the words «died» or «killed», and do not substitute them for euphemisms like «passed away». Say «I heard that your father died. I am so sorry for your loss».

Make your presence felt by offering practical help

Do not say «Call me if there is anything I can do». Instead, say «I’m going shopping. I can bring you bread, milk, or fruits. Is there anything else you need from the store?» Volunteer to take the children to school or take care of them at your house. Come and make lunch, or help with laundry and water plants. Make your presence felt.

Make tea or coffee, sit down with the grieving person, and listen

Let the grieving person talk when they are ready. Don’t ask how they feel and don’t tell them how they should feel or what they should do. Instead, say: «Would you like to talk?», or just listen. This is what is needed most at this moment: quiet support.

Don’t say or pretend that you know how they feel

The truth is, you don’t. Comparing losses and tragedies is never helpful. Don’t pity the grieving person, but do express sympathy. Being next to the grieving person can make us feel helpless and awkward. It is better if you are honest and say: «I am not sure what to say to you or how to help you, but I want you to know I care. I am so sorry for your loss».

Often, the grieving person will ask: “Why?”

This is not a question, but an expression of pain. You can’t answer that either, so simply reply: «I don’t know».

Do not use formulated statements

Statements like “It’s all in God’s hands” or “It is God’s will” or “You will be alright soon” are not helpful. They can’t console, they sound fake, and they can be alienating. Better say nothing or offer a hug instead.

There is no schedule for grieving

There is no timeframe of how long the mourning and grieving will take. Be patient. Stand by the grieving person. Be there to listen to them. Share fond memories of the deceased. Most grieving people will find relief by talking about the deceased, and they love to hear stories about their lost one. Do not try to change the subject, but encourage these conversations. They are truly healing.

Respect all feelings the grieving person expresses

Encourage them to cry or vent out anger. Never say «You shouldn’t feel like that». Feelings are neither right nor wrong: they need to be respected, expressed, and acknowledged.

Remember: a grieving person may have low self-esteem and may blame themselves

This blame may apply for events leading to the death or for their relationship with the deceased. Encourage them to discuss this.

Help the grieving person take good care of themselves

Cook and eat together, go for walks, and encourage exercise. Rest, diet, and exercise are critical to restoring physical and mental well-being.

Do not offer tranquilizers or sleeping aids without a doctor’s advice

Much like alcohol and drugs, they may offer temporary relief, but will usually only hinder the healing process.

Chapter three. Stages of Grief

«Every one can master a grief but he that has it.»

William Shakespeare, Much Ado About Nothing(1564—1616)

Stages of grieving, as suggested by Elizabeth Kübler-Ross in 1969, are known to many as denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. In 1970, Bowlby and Parker suggested that the stages of grieving should be described as numbness, pining, disorganization, and reorganization. Whichever model of separating the stages is examined, it is important to know that the duration and intensity of each stage may vary greatly, that stages can overlap or occur together, and that a grieving individual can miss one or more stages altogether.

It is also not unusual for someone to go back and forth between the stages as important pieces of information about the nature or causes of death, milestone birthdays, anniversaries, and events in the family can newly aggravate grief symptoms and re-launch a grief stage from the past. Getting stuck in a stage or a major variation in the process may be considered pathological and would require a call for action, such as consulting a therapist for help.

Stage 1 – Denial

Loss is always a shock, so the first reaction that follows the death of a loved one is denial of the fact that the loss has occurred. The loss seems unreal. The griever thinks he could turn back time, wake up, and everything will be as it was before the loss. It seems impossible that the person loved and lost could be no more. You know you sound irrational, but you still believe things could go back to how they were before, and that what you lost will return. It may be a way for your brain to shut down in an effort to self-preserve and block the first wave of pain. Thoughts like “He has not died”, “She will be back”, or “He could not have left me” are common in this stage.

Denial is also associated with isolation, where the grieving person will insist on being left alone and will require time to process what happened. This is absolutely normal. Give the person as much space and time as they need. A couple of days or weeks would be enough for this stage, but watch out if it lasts longer than a month. Make sure the person knows you are there for him or her, if they need to talk or just want «silent company». Suggest that you could go for a walk, drive around, visit the cemetery, or go to church together. Any shared activity could help the grieving person feel that life has not stopped and that they need to process their loss. Usually the stage of denial and isolation ends by itself as the grieving person’s mind tapers into the «unsafe» territory of loss and begins to embrace it.