Secret Heirs And A Forever Family

Slowly he lifted his head and stared at his reflection. The answer was right there in his dazed face, the acidic churn in his belly. Allegra. Their lovemaking had been both sweet and powerful, and it had woken up long-dead parts of him, parts of him that remembered and felt and feared. Parts of him that he’d iced over with thoughts of justice, kept frozen with cold, cold fury. Now everything was waking up, a spring of the soul, and this was the result. Dreams he couldn’t bear to have. Memories he didn’t dare think about. Weakness.

He turned the taps on full blast and washed his face, scrubbed hard as if it would make a difference, and then turned them off again. He stared in the mirror, his eyes opaque, hard, and then he nodded once and left the bathroom.

Allegra was curled up on her side, her back to him, one hand cupping her bump. Thankfully she’d fallen asleep, but even in sleep her face looked sad, her mouth puckered, a frown feathering her brow. Rafael reached out to smooth a red-gold curl away from her cheek and then stopped. No need for that.

Tonight had been intense, and now he needed to get things back the way they had been, comfortable, enjoyable, but not threatening. No danger of scars being reopened, him bleeding again, bleeding right out. Take a step back, make it safe. That was what he needed to do…and preferably without hurting Allegra too much. But hurting Allegra couldn’t be his main concern any more. Keeping those memories locked tight away was.

Allegra woke slowly the next morning, blinking in the sunlight streaming from the windows, her body aching in delicious places. For a wonderful moment all she remembered was the pleasure, intense and overpowering, of being with Rafael. The way he’d held her, moved inside her…

Then another memory slammed into the first, leaving her breathless. The nightmare he’d had, the way he’d shut her out. She turned and saw that his side of the bed was empty, the duvet pulled tight across, as if he’d never been there. Had he even come back to bed?

Slowly she got out of bed, sorting through possibilities. What should she do now? How should she act? Despite what they’d shared together last night, she didn’t yet know how to handle this moment. Whether to press or pull away. She pulled on the thick terrycloth robe hanging from a hook in the bathroom and then gathered her clothes up, tiptoeing back to her room. Downstairs she could Maria humming in the kitchen, Salvatore’s tuneless whistle. Nothing from Rafael.

Back in her bedroom she showered and dressed; her mind sifting through memories, options. What to do? How to feel? Taking a deep breath, she went in search of the father of her child.

She found him in his study, forehead furrowed as he gazed at his laptop, his headphone set dangling from his neck. Allegra stood in the doorway for a moment, an ache in her heart, in her soul. She wanted to walk easily into the room and plop herself into his lap; she wanted to smooth away the furrows on his forehead and kiss that lovely, hard, mobile mouth. She wanted it to feel natural, right, and yet she simply stood there, wondering and waiting.

‘Did you have a conference call?’ she finally asked, her voice high and nervous as she nodded towards the headset.

Rafael’s gaze flicked towards her and then away, revealing nothing. Giving nothing. ‘Yes.’

‘Are you able to manage most of your business from here?’ He’d only gone into Palermo a few times over the last weeks.

‘I’ll need to start going into Palermo more often.’ He turned back to his laptop in a way that felt like a dismissal. ‘As well as Rome and Milan.’

‘I could come.’ She kept her voice light. ‘I’d like to come.’ Rafael didn’t answer, and Allegra took a deep breath. ‘Rafael…about last night…’

His mouth tightened, his gaze still on the screen. ‘Let’s not do a post-mortem.’

‘Post-mortem?’ Hurt flashed through her. ‘Really, that’s what you’d call it?’

‘You know what I mean.’

‘I’m not sure I do.’

Finally Rafael lifted his gaze from his laptop, but then Allegra wished he hadn’t. His eyes were opaque, fathomless, hard. ‘Last night was pleasurable, Allegra, for both of us. That’s all that matters. Let’s leave it at that.’

‘Rafael…’ She took a deep breath, dared. ‘What about everything we talked about? What about the dream you had?’ As soon as she said the words she wished she hadn’t. An emotion flashed across his face like quicksilver, gone before she could decipher it, but she knew it hadn’t been good.

‘Forget about that,’ Rafael said flatly, and as he turned back to his screen Allegra knew she’d truly been dismissed. Still she wouldn’t give up that easily.

‘I have a doctor’s appointment this afternoon in Palermo,’ she said. ‘An ultrasound. Will you come with me?’

He hesitated, and for that heart-stopping second she thought he wouldn’t. That he was turning away from her and their child completely, for a reason she could not understand. ‘Yes,’ Rafael said at last. ‘Of course I will.’

Rafael sat tensely by Allegra as the technician squirted cold, clear gel onto her stomach. They’d barely spoken on the drive into Palermo, which should have suited Rafael perfectly but instead made him feel restless and irritable.

He didn’t know what he wanted. The remnants of his old dream still clung to him, ghost fragments he couldn’t shake. They made him want to keep a little distance between him and Allegra, but another part of him howled in protest. Hated hurting her…and hurting himself.

‘Everything looks good,’ the doctor said as he prodded the ultrasound wand on Allegra’s burgeoning bump. ‘Baby is the right size…a growing boy.’

The fuzzy black and white shape on the ultrasound screen looked like a proper baby. Head, body, hands, feet, even fingers and toes. He was sucking his thumb and kicking his legs and the sight of him made a pressure build inside Rafael, a pressure he couldn’t even begin to understand. His hands curled into fists at his sides and he had to fight to keep his breathing even.

What was happening to him?

He felt too much. Happy. Thankful. Afraid. All of it combined inside him, making it hard even to speak. He focused on practicalities instead, helping Allegra up from the table, listening and nodding as the doctor asked them to book another appointment in four weeks’ time.

‘What shall we do now?’ Allegra asked as they left the doctor’s office for one of the city’s sweeping boulevards.

‘Do?’ Rafael looked at her cautiously. ‘What do you mean?’

‘I’m sick of being stuck at the villa,’ Allegra said. ‘It’s lovely, of course, but I’ve never been to Palermo and I’d like to see it properly. Can we look around a bit?’

Rafael looked at the tremulous hope on Allegra’s lovely face and knew he’d have to be a monster to refuse. ‘Yes,’ he said, the single word drawn from him with reluctance. ‘I suppose.’

For the next few hours they strolled down boulevards to squares with sparkling fountains, explored narrow alleys with charming shops and market stalls, and ended up at a café facing the lovely Piazza Pretoria, with its iconic fountain.

Allegra had kept up a steady stream of innocuous conversation the whole time, and Rafael hadn’t done much more than offer monosyllabic replies. He was trying to maintain that little bit of distance but it was hard…and becoming harder with every moment.

As they left the café Allegra bent over to reach her bag under the table and the sound of fabric splitting rent the air.

‘Oh, no.’ She straightened, her face fiery, one hand clapped to her back. ‘I’ve split my skirt,’ she whispered, looking mortified, and Rafael looked down at her clothes, realised she’d been wearing the same few loose tops and summer skirts since he’d seen her back in New York.

‘I think you need some new maternity clothes,’ he said, wishing he’d thought of it sooner.

‘I definitely need a new skirt,’ Allegra answered, laughing a little. ‘I’m not decent!’

‘I’ll ring a boutique right now.’ He draped his jacket over her as he shepherded her from the café into the waiting limo. Moments later they were stepping into one of Palermo’s best boutiques on the Via Liberta, several assistants already waiting to serve them.

Allegra was whisked away to a dressing room while Rafael sat on a white velvet settee, sipping champagne and scrolling through messages on his phone. This was more like it; he could take care of Allegra in the manner he wished to—and that she deserved—without actually having to engage her. She wasn’t even in the room.

‘What do you think?’ Allegra’s voice was soft and hesitant and Rafael looked up from his phone, his brain instantly going blank.

Allegra stared at the nonplussed look on Rafael’s face and wondered if she’d made a mistake. All afternoon she’d been trying to reach him, keeping up a cheerful one-sided conversation, determined to stay positive.

They’d shared a connection last night. She had to believe that, had to believe it had been real…and that they could have it again.

In the boutique’s dressing room she’d tried on several outfits, and then paused when the assistant had given her a sexy, slinky cocktail dress in soft black jersey. This one, she decided, she would show Rafael. See if she finally got some kind of reaction out of him. And now she was standing here, feeling faintly ridiculous, and Rafael was looking blank.

‘Well?’ She managed a laugh, and then she did a little twirl. ‘What do you think?’

‘I think…’ Rafael cleared his throat. ‘I think you look…’ He stopped, shaking his head as if to clear it. Allegra smiled. As far as reactions went, she’d take it.

She went back into the dressing room to change while the assistant took her clothes to the shop’s till. She was just pulling off the dress when the door opened.

‘I think I might need help with the zip,’ she said, and then to her shock Rafael answered.

‘I think I can do that.’

‘What are you doing…?’ Allegra began, her breath coming out in a soft sigh as Rafael gently tugged on the zip and then pressed his lips to the nape of her neck.

A shudder went through her and she swayed on her feet, flinging one hand out to brace herself as Rafael’s mouth moved down her back.

‘Someone will see…’ she murmured as he slid the dress further down so it pooled about her hips. She could feel the hard, hot strength of his body behind hers and she leaned back, sagging against him as he kissed the curve of her shoulder.

‘No one will see.’

‘They’ll know.’

‘I don’t care. I can’t see you in that dress and not touch you.’

Touch her but not talk to her. She’d spent all afternoon trying to reach him but it seemed he didn’t want conversation. He wanted this.

And so did she.

Rafael pressed against her and Allegra’s eyes fluttered closed. This was rather wonderful.

‘Signor Vitali? We just need your card…’ The musical voice of the assistant floated towards them and they both tensed. With what felt like superhuman effort Allegra moved away. She stepped out of the dress and reached for her clothes as Rafael left in search of the assistant.

They didn’t speak on the way home, twilight cloaking the mountains in soft violet. Rafael had withdrawn into himself again, his expression shuttered and distant as Allegra curled up in a corner of the limo and dozed.

Back at the villa he disappeared into his office and with a sigh she went to put away her new clothes, sifting through the day’s events in her mind. Was she crazy to try to break through the wall Rafael seemed determined on putting up? Foolish to try for more when for her whole life she’d settled for so much less?

Allegra sank onto her bed, her unseeing gaze resting on the moonlit hills outside the window. She’d come to Sicily because she’d believed it was best for her child. It had felt like a sacrifice, one she had been ready and willing to make.

But now? Now, when she’d felt so much pleasure and happiness and connection with Rafael? When she sensed his overprotective, controlling nature disguised a man who could be tender and loving?

Now she didn’t want to come to some arrangement where they married and raised their child together, but lived as virtual strangers. Now she wanted a proper husband…and not just in bed.

But how to go about getting it? Was she strong enough to reach Rafael, to keep trying even when he pulled away? To face failure and rejection and keep holding on? She wanted to be. She wanted to make this work.

The click of the door opening had her turning, her surprised gaze arrowing in on Rafael.

‘Is everything all right?’ she asked uncertainly, because he looked intent and serious and a little sad.

‘Now it is,’ he said, and relief rushed through her, along with desire, as Rafael came towards her and took her in his arms.

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

ALLEGRA GAZED AROUND the nursery with a smile of satisfaction. She’d made decorating the room her project over the last week, and she was proud of what she’d accomplished. Pale blue walls with stencilled white elephants cavorting across them, and a cot bed in blond oak with fresh blue sheets ready and waiting, although she didn’t actually know when their son would sleep in this room.

The doctors had said he’d be in the hospital for several weeks at least, and then she planned to keep him in a bassinet next to the bed for easy feeding in the night. Still, she was excited about the room, could picture herself in the oak rocker by the window, her son cradled against her chest, sunlight streaming through the window, the perfect picture of familial happiness. Almost.

A sigh escaping her, Allegra moved to the window and looked out at the dusty hills. It hadn’t rained in weeks and the air felt stuffy. Now in her sixth month of pregnancy, she felt huge and awkward and more than a little grumpy. She rested one hand on her belly, trying yet again to banish the fears that skirted her mind, threatened to swamp her heart.

For the last few weeks she and Rafael had reached a holding pattern of spending their nights together—and what wonderful nights they were—and the days mostly apart. While she couldn’t fault Rafael for his solicitude and kind concern, the remoteness she sensed in him, the careful emotional distance he always kept between them, made her want to scream.

She wanted more. She tried for more, but at every turn Rafael foiled her obvious conversational gambits, her clumsy attempts to increase their intimacy. Was this what love was? Because she thought—she feared—that she loved him. Or at least that she could let him, if he’d let her. If he opened up.

But since that first incredible night he’d stayed remote. He didn’t even spend the whole night with her when they made love. He held her for a little while afterwards, but he never slept with her and every morning Allegra woke to an empty bed and an aching heart.

She wanted more than this. She needed more than this. After a lifetime of trying to avoid intimacy and love, here she was, desperate for it. The very situation she’d been wary of had happened, and it felt as if there was nothing she could do about it.

‘I have to go to Naples.’

Allegra started in surprise at the sight of Rafael in the doorway of the nursery. She couldn’t tell anything from his usual, closed-off expression, but even so she felt a ripple of alarm. ‘Naples? Why? Is it business?’ He’d gone to Palermo several times a week, and Milan and Rome once each.

There was a slight, taut pause. ‘No.’

Allegra frowned. ‘No? Then…what? I mean, why?’

Rafael didn’t answer for a long moment. Allegra thought he wouldn’t. ‘My sister,’ he said finally, shocking her.

‘Your sister…but…’ She trailed off, unsure what to say. She’d thought he’d lost his sister, that she’d died. He’d spoken about her as if she was gone, and so Allegra had assumed the worst.

‘She’s not well,’ Rafael said abruptly. ‘I need to…go to her.’

Allegra stared at him, sensing the dark undercurrent of anxiety under his terse tone, and she ached to help. Wanted to comfort him, but knew he wouldn’t let her. And yet…if he kept her apart in this, what hope was there? How could she ever get closer to him?

‘Let me come with you,’ she said, part entreaty, part demand, and Rafael’s face shuttered.

‘No.’

‘Why not?’ Allegra challenged. ‘Please don’t keep shutting me out, Rafael, and pushing me away. If we’re going to have a child together, if we’re going to marry…’

‘You are being melodramatic. I haven’t pushed you away.’

‘Not at night,’ Allegra agreed, lifting her chin. ‘Not in bed. But in every other way you have. You know you have. I keep trying to reach you, and you keep refusing me. Please, Rafael, don’t refuse me in this. I want to support you…’

Rafael stared at her for a long moment, his expression both hard and bleak, and then he finally gave one quick, terse nod. ‘Fine,’ he said. ‘But I need to leave within the hour.’

He shouldn’t have let her come. A deep unease settled into Rafael’s gut as he climbed into the helicopter after Allegra. He hadn’t intended to let her come, of course he hadn’t. The last thing he wanted was for Allegra to see Angelica, see his shame.

But, he thought with a resolve tinged with despair, perhaps it was better this way. Perhaps, instead of having to maintain that careful distance, it would yawn between them, gape wide, because finally Allegra would see just what he was and how he’d failed.

The call had come that morning, from a doctor in Naples who had found his sister’s ID in her bag, as well as his name and phone number. She’d been discovered in an alley, unconscious, unresponsive. The last time the doctor had warned that another overdose could kill her. Angelica didn’t seem to care, and Rafael feared that was because she wanted to die. His father’s death had been quick, a single shot; his mother a slow, deliberate wasting away. Angelica was choosing self-destruction. And it was all his fault.

‘Is your sister ill?’ Allegra asked, shouting over the sound of the helicopter that would take them to Palermo for the short flight to Naples.

‘In a manner of speaking.’ Rafael turned to look out the window to avoid answering any more of Allegra’s questions. She would see soon enough what Angelica was like. What he was like.

And then? The unease he’d been feeling deepened into dark regret. Then things would be changed between them for ever.

They didn’t talk much on the flight to Naples; Allegra seemed to sense his mood and kept quiet, while Rafael kept his head down, his eyes on his tablet, dealing with work issues.

A car was waiting for them when they emerged from the airport, blinking in the afternoon sunlight, the muted roar of the city’s traffic, the raucous honking of horns and exclamations of passers-by hitting Rafael like a smack in the face. He didn’t like the busy, dirty streets of Naples. He’d offered a dozen times or more to pay for Angelica to move somewhere more congenial, but she’d always refused.

He gave the address of the hospital to the driver and then leaned back in the seat. Allegra looked at him in concern.

‘Won’t you tell me what’s going on?’ she asked quietly.

‘What is there to tell?’ Rafael shrugged, dismissing the question with a lift of his eyebrows. ‘My sister is in hospital.’ He paused, pressing his lips together. ‘A drug overdose.’

He could tell he’d shocked her with that one. And that was just the beginning.

‘What…?’ Allegra’s face crumpled with sympathy. ‘Oh, Rafael…’

‘Don’t.’ He shrugged away her compassion. ‘It happens often enough. And there’s nothing I’ve been able to do about it.’

Allegra lapsed into silence and Rafael looked away. He really shouldn’t have brought her, but perhaps it would, painfully, be for the best.

Allegra’s mouth was dry, her heart pinging in her chest, as she followed Rafael into the hospital lift. He pressed a button and then folded his arms over his chest, biceps bulging, face like an iron mask.

She’d been surprised and gratified when he’d agreed to let her come, but since he’d made that decision he’d seemed only to regret it, and he’d been colder and more remote that ever. She wondered if asking to come had been a mistake, and if Rafael would simply use this as a way to push her even further away.

The doors of the lift opened and Rafael strode out, while Allegra hurried to keep up. Then he was tapping perfunctorily on the door of a room before opening it and slipping inside. Allegra followed him.

The woman in the bed was asleep, dark lashes sweeping gaunt cheeks. Allegra stifled a gasp at the heart-wrenching sight of her—scars on each wrist and bruises and needle puncture marks scoring her arms in dozens of places. Her hair was dirty and tangled, her limbs scrawny, tendons sticking out like ropes. Rafael let out a shuddering breath. The woman’s eyes fluttered opened and then focused on Rafael.

‘You shouldn’t have come,’ she rasped out, her eyes burning like coals as she glared at him.

‘Of course I came.’ Rafael gazed at her for a moment, his expression closed and yet his eyes full of pain. ‘Why, Angelica?’

Angelica shook her head, her eyes closed again. ‘I don’t want to talk to you.’

‘Let me help you,’ Rafael said, his voice taking on a strident edge. ‘Please. There is a room waiting at the best clinic in Europe, in Switzerland. It’s luxurious, Angelica, and discreet. You’d want for nothing.’

Angelica shook her head again, without opening her eyes. Allegra’s heart started to splinter. She hated seeing Rafael like this, knowing how helpless, how hopeless, he must feel.

Rafael pressed his lips together, staring at his sister in a heart-breaking mix of grief and fury. ‘I’ve only wanted to help you, Angelica. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.’

Angelica opened her eyes, and Allegra stifled a gasp at the hatred and anger she saw in their depths. ‘Help me? When have you ever helped me?’ she demanded in a raw and ragged voice. Rafael flinched but didn’t reply. Didn’t defend himself. ‘Do you know what he did?’ Angelica demanded, turning to Allegra. She stared, speechless, unsure how to respond, how to feel. ‘Do you?’ Angelica’s voice rung out. Allegra licked her lips.

‘I… I don’t…’

‘He killed our father,’ Angelica spat. ‘He killed him. My brother only ever thought of himself. He didn’t…he couldn’t…’ She turned away, sobs tearing her chest.

Allegra had no idea what to say. She didn’t believe Angelica, the words of a vindictive and desperate drug addict, and yet…

Why wasn’t Rafael saying anything?

‘You can’t deny it, can you?’ Angelica said, her voice still coming in ragged gasps.

‘No,’ Rafael said after a moment. ‘I can’t.’

Shock rippled through Allegra. Rafael shot her a cold, hard glance. ‘Now you know,’ he said, but Allegra didn’t feel she knew anything.

‘Leave me,’ Angelica demanded in a low voice. She seemed drained, lifeless. ‘Leave me, I beg of you.’

Rafael gazed at his sister for a full minute while Allegra watched, her heart thudding in her chest. Then he turned and walked out of the room.

Allegra followed, her heart aching now, everything aching. ‘Rafael…’ she began when they’d entered a small waiting room, but he shook his head.

‘Don’t. I shouldn’t have brought you here.’

‘I asked to be brought here,’ Allegra answered. ‘I want to share your sorrows along with your joys. Please, Rafael…’