Reclaiming Her Army Doc Husband

‘Sweetheart, you know that can’t happen. It’s impossible.’

‘Exactly.’ Life as she knew it was over. What she had to find out was how to make it unfold in the future. But not today. Today was raw enough without adding to the agony.

Cole winced as the line went dead. Vicki had hung up on him. After saying she doubted she could carry on with their marriage. Without talking about the miscarriage. A dull throbbing started behind his ribs. Vicki was the love of his life, his first reason for waking up every morning. She could not leave him. She didn’t mean it. She was broken-hearted about their baby. That’s what this was about. She was trying to cope in any way possible.

The pain in her voice had been like nothing he’d heard before, not even when her mother had been so ill no one had believed she’d pull through. Vicki’s pain had got deeper and stronger as she’d talked, adding to his guilt, creating a sense of failure for not being there with her. She needed him. More than anyone. And there was nothing he could do about it. His own pain scudded across his lips in a sigh. Once again he’d hurt one of the most important people in his life.

We’ve lost our baby.

Sharp agony squeezed hard, taking away his ability to breathe. Why was he here, and not with Vicki?

He had chosen this life to meet a promise he had made to his mother when he was seventeen. Along with two close mates and his girlfriend, he’d been accused of the theft of thousands of dollars from a local charity after a fundraising event. Not even his parents had believed him when he’d said he knew nothing about the robbery. All he did remember was the four of them going to the local park late that night where he’d had two beers while cuddling with his girlfriend. The next thing he recalled was waking up alone in his car outside his family’s home.

Many months later, one of his mates had confessed that the girlfriend had put a date drug in Cole’s beer to make him sleep, then had taken his car keys and driven herself and the other two guys to the charity building to steal the money.

The shame of not being aware of what had gone on around him that night and how easily he’d been used hadn’t left him. Only his granddad had stood by him, saying what had happened had changed his life for ever, but he mustn’t let it ruin his future. He had loved him for that more than anything. His mother had lost most of her friends and become stressed and anxious. His father, a criminal lawyer, had hidden behind his work, putting in ever-increasing hours and staying away from home. Even when they’d finally admitted they’d been wrong, his family had never returned to being their easy, loving selves. They’d let him down.

As I have Vicki.

His gut clenched.

We’ve lost our baby. I’m not there for Vicki.

But he had to be here. It was the promise he’d made to his mother before he’d been exonerated and she’d lain dying in ICU after a massive heart attack. Desperate for her to live, he’d have promised the moon if it would’ve helped. Instead he’d said he’d make her proud by joining the army after he’d become a doctor, which had always been his aspiration. Granddad had been a highly decorated soldier, and Cole had also wanted to show him he was worthy of his belief in his grandson.

That night his mother had passed away, never to see him fulfil his promise, leaving him with a load of remorse nothing would shake. Had the stress from what had happened caused her death? The guilt and shame had stuck to him like glue.

And now this. The baby was gone. Unbelievable. Even to his doctor’s brain it didn’t make sense. It was so unfair. Cole couldn’t find any words to describe his feelings at this moment. In trying to do right by his mother and granddad, he’d let his wife down so much. If only he had a red cape and could fly to her side, hug her, kiss her, promise they’d make it through this latest tragedy—together.

His life had become compartmentalised after he’d been exonerated. Adelaide—the good, bad and downright ugly. Sydney—adulthood, medicine, new friends. Vicki. The army—meeting his promise. Vicki. His love. He groaned. Vicki. What he wouldn’t give to be with her. Right from the beginning of their relationship it had been good having someone believe in him, love him, without having to expose the frankly awful time of his past. Though deep, deep down lay a seed of doubt about that decision not to tell her. But he hadn’t wanted to bring the past into the future with her.

Nathan was the only person he’d told the whole truth to when he’d demanded to know why they couldn’t go to Adelaide for a break and get together with Cole’s friends from school days. Because Nathan held nothing back from him, he’d finally explained. It had been a test of their friendship, one that had never faltered.

Yet he still hadn’t found the courage to tell Vicki. She was a fresh start he hadn’t wanted to taint with the past. She was the precious jewel in his life. He loved her so much sometimes it was almost too much, made him fear he couldn’t get enough of her. Yet here he was in East Timor while she was back in Sydney, needing him desperately.

She’s thinking about leaving you.

She couldn’t. He’d talk to her as soon as he returned to base. She was hurting. Big time. He understood. But leave him? No. She didn’t mean it. She needed time to come to terms with the miscarriage.

Which is why I should be with her, not here.

There wasn’t anything he could do about it. Except go AWOL, and the consequences of that would be worse. So he’d phone every day. It wouldn’t be enough, but it was all he could offer. It would help him to get through this ragged pain caused by the miscarriage. He’d signed up for the army without a backward glance, ignoring the sadness in her eyes, only saying it was a promise he owed. Whenever he’d been home and she’d hinted that it was getting lonely living in their apartment in the middle of such a large city, he’d worked hard to put a smile back on her face and made love to her so she knew he was on her side. And every time he’d gone away again, following orders, using them as an excuse for the life he was living. He’d been utterly selfish.

As he and the men headed back to barracks from their last training exercise before tomorrow’s job, he stared out at the passing scenery of never-ending dirt and dust and crowds of people trying to get by in this area, trying to absorb everything Vicki had said, failing to ignore the ache under his ribs. The miscarriage. Her pain. The life he’d chosen to follow that kept him away from her. The army was like nothing he’d ever known. With the way everyone had to fall into step, dress the same, eat the same, be prepared for anything horrific any time, he didn’t enjoy the life, but once he’d fulfilled his promise he’d be able to get on with the next phase of his life without looking back.

The marriage vows he’d made to Vicki needed acknowledgement. To love and cherish and be there always, through the wonderful and the awful.

Vicki, I am so bloody sorry. We’ve lost our baby and you need me. I need you.

He’d signed up for that, too. Vicki was his future, the army the final nail in his past.

His stomach tightened into a painful ball. Their baby was gone. It had been amazing to learn he was going to be a dad. He’d been stoked, couldn’t wait for it to be born. He’d already imagined playing football, going fishing, having family picnics at the beach with his son or daughter. Family was what it was all about. A loving, caring, believing family. And Vicki, the most amazing woman to have kids with. Now it wasn’t happening.

‘You okay, Captain?’ The driver of their truck had turned to look at him as they drove along the main road out of a village.

No. I’ve never felt worse.

‘All good,’ he lied through gritted teeth. Something large and dark hurtled across the road directly at them. A laden ute. ‘Look out, soldier,’ he snapped.

The driver swore as he wrenched their lumbering vehicle to the right. His reaction might’ve been fast but the other vehicle was faster.

Cole’s butt left the seat, his head punched through the windscreen. Fear tightened his belly. Not now. Not when he needed to be at home. His body was airborne. Air stalled in his lungs. Landing was going to hurt. Or worse, he thought. His fingers gripped his phone as though his life depended on it.

Vicki! I love you. Wait for me.

CHAPTER TWO

‘JACK, BEHAVE. Water will soak that moonboot if you don’t hurry up and get in the car,’ Vicki growled at the man she was trying to help into the passenger seat while he fiddled with the window button, opening and closing the window.

The umbrella she held over them both wasn’t working. Water had found its way through the back of her shirt. At this rate, by the time she returned inside the medical centre she’d be soaked.

‘You’re worse than most toddlers I’ve worked with.’

‘I was one once,’ the middle-aged man grunted, and finally sank onto the seat and lifted his damaged leg inside. ‘Quite the nuisance, I’ve been told.’

‘You don’t have to sound proud of it. You’re not doing yourself any favours thinking you’re one of the world’s heroes who has to be out amongst it all the time.’ Vicki dredged up a smile for the fireman who was temporarily off work thanks to having rolled a quad bike down a slope on his rural property a couple of weeks previously. ‘You’ve got to take things easy.’

‘Boring,’ Jack mock-yawned.

‘You think?’ She shook her head in admonishment at her brother’s friend, before nodding to his wife. ‘Try and keep him out of mischief until those ribs and fractured thigh have had time to knit.’

‘Give me something easy to do.’ Barbara laughed. ‘The moment I turn my back he’ll be heading for his shed and the other quad bike.’

‘I figured.’ She shrugged. ‘Men, eh?’ Hell, she missed hers so much she hardly slept at night after following through on her decision to walk away from her marriage. It hadn’t been easy. When she hadn’t heard from Cole for more than a week after the miscarriage she’d closed in on herself and tried to deal with the agony of losing their baby alone.

Quitting her job at the hospital, unable to stand the sympathy in everyone’s eyes whenever she turned up at work, she’d packed up the apartment and headed north to Cairns and her family, to be surrounded in their care. And the tears kept on coming. She’d never known it was possible to bawl her eyes out so much. There shouldn’t be that much fluid in a person’s body. Still the agony hadn’t abated. Not for her baby or her marriage.

Nothing filled the void that had once been her excitement over being pregnant. Or the empty air between her and Cole. When he’d finally begun phoning, their conversations had been stilted, and the silences, longer every time, had become full of all the things neither seemed able to voice. Eventually, she’d told him they were over and had gone to stay with her sister in London while she made decisions about the future. As if she could decide with all the distressing emotions tugging at her heart.

Cole had gone quiet again. As in not a word by phone or email. The hurt grew. It was so typical of him not to talk about the important stuff. It was the main reason she’d left him. There’d be no more waiting around, ready to put everything on hold whenever he came home, and then go back to a kind of single life when he left again. That was over. Even when he got out of the army she’d still be that wife, trying to keep him happy all the time and putting herself on hold for the foreseeable future. Like her mum had done, first for her dad and then for her and her siblings.

Warmth stole through Vicki as she remembered presenting Mum with an easel and painting equipment. Mum’s shock, the delight followed by excitement had said it all.

‘You wouldn’t want a wuss for a husband.’ Jack grinned at Barbara around a groan as he settled further onto the seat.

Vicki shivered. She hadn’t had one either. Cole was a tough guy who never showed pain or hurt. Too much so. If only he could’ve relented a little and stopped being so strong, they might not be about to spend the weekend together, finalising the dissolution of their marriage. His attitude was a mask he didn’t drop even for her. Which wasn’t right.

There weren’t supposed to be any secrets between them, yet more and more she’d started seeing there were. He’d never explained why he’d needed to sign up for the military, just muttered something about keeping a promise. She’d asked for more information—often—and been fobbed off every time.

But were they really over? It felt like it. It had done for months, if not longer, when she thought about how she hadn’t recognised the loneliness and need to fill her time with anything for what it really was.

The recent months spent mostly travelling while trying to side-track herself from the mess that had become her life hadn’t been easy but at least now she was working to find her feet again, beginning with making the goal of her own nursing agency a reality. The idea held the promise of something exciting, something to hold onto and gain strength from her efforts.

Her fingers clenched the umbrella. First there was the weekend to get through. Time with Cole. How would she cope? Seeing him, breathing in his smell, being stuck in the house together—the thought had her heart racing already. As long as they didn’t get angry at each other or upset one another too much. Tears were already threatening, and he wasn’t due yet.

‘See you on Monday when I bring Jack back to have his dressings changed.’ Barbara revved the engine, then stuck her head out the window. ‘If you feel like a coffee any time, just drop in.’

‘Thanks. I might do that when I’ve run out of ways to annoy Damon.’ Her older brother was a fireman at the same station as Jack, and everyone there had been super-friendly since she’d arrived back in Cairns from London three weeks ago.

Her other brother, Phil, was a local cop, and he too seemed intent on keeping an eye on her by including her in every social event he went to—usually for a pint at the pub. She loved them both, but they could be a little suffocating.

With Cole coming, their protective instincts were on high alert. In the past she’d relished their support, but now she needed to do this without them interfering. Her spine was getting straighter, tougher.

Ducking under the overhang at the medical centre entrance, she saw a taxi pull up over the road. She had two patients to go before she packed it in for the weekend and headed to the airport to wait for Cole. Scratching her palms, she swallowed hard. Air slowly seeped from her lungs. Nothing about the weekend was going to be easy.

It wouldn’t take forty-eight hours to come to an arrangement about whether to sell the Sydney apartment or get Cole to buy her out. That was the sum of their marriage now. Her stomach had been a tight ball all day, and she hadn’t eaten a thing, replacing food with endless mugs of coffee, and now was so jittery her teeth clacked.

Closing the umbrella, she shook the water off before dropping it into the tall pot standing in the corner. Despite the incessant monsoon rain the air was still warm and humid. There was nothing like Queensland temperatures to make her feel right at home again. Except she wasn’t. These past weeks she’d been unsettled about whether to stay here permanently or return to Sydney and her friends down there. She presumed Cole would live there once he returned to civilian life, which held her back on that choice.

If—when—they divorced she’d want to live somewhere without all the memories. Sometimes, in the middle of the night, she’d admit she wanted to be near him. But that wasn’t being strong. And strong was what she had to be, otherwise why go through this agony of finishing her marriage to the man she’d given her heart to?

Cole was out of the army early. He hadn’t said why. Typical. Her heart thumped hard. Despite everything she’d said in the brief phone conversations in the past months, he still hadn’t recognised how much she needed to share his life, to understand his thinking; not to be standing on the sidelines, waiting for him to give her some attention.

Footsteps on the path.

Her skin prickled. No, it was too early. Cole’s flight from Sydney wasn’t due for three hours. The goosebumps tightened, the hairs on the back of her neck lifted. She wasn’t ready to confront him, needed more time to get her game face on. Although, she had to admit it, she’d never be ready. But—but this weekend wasn’t going to go away without her spending time with Cole. Only one person turned her into a blithering wreck just by being near him. He was here.

Another wet step. ‘Hello, Vicki.’ Two words, soft, endearing, and full of memories that threatened to make those tears spill. Blink, blink. She loved that voice, heard it in her sleep, held it to her whenever she needed her man. Every day and night. Thump-thump, banged her heart.

Be strong.

Which was easier said than done.

‘Cole.’ That taxi must’ve dropped him off. ‘Hello,’ she muttered through suddenly dry lips.

The rate of her heart lifted. The ends of her fingers tingled. Cole. The man she adored. The man she had to hold out on for a more secure future. The man she’d once done anything to make happy, and now couldn’t. Wouldn’t. Her breathing went out of whack.

‘Vicki.’ He paused, waited, finally asked, ‘How are you?’

He had to ask? The brave face slipped on. She didn’t bother forcing a smile. Straightening her back, she slowly pivoted around on her heels to stare at her handsome husband. Except—The ground moved beneath her feet. Putting her hands out for balance, she struggled to stay upright. ‘Cole?’ She gasped. This was all wrong. ‘What’s happened? Are you all right?’ Stupid question. He looked terrible. Worse than terrible. ‘Obviously not.’ Her instinct was to rush to him, wind her arms around that body she knew so well—not like this, she didn’t—and never let go. To take away his pain, make him better.

We’re over, remember?

She drew in air, clamped down on her emotions, clenched her hands at her sides, and remained fixed to the spot. Not that her feet could’ve lifted off the porch. They were as heavy as rocks. Studying him, her heart pounded harder, the tingling in her fingers tightened. He was far too thin. There were lines on his face that hadn’t been there before. When he stepped closer his left leg dragged. There was fierce concentration on that lined, grey face, as though he was determined she wouldn’t see how much it hurt to move. But there was no hiding the pain reflected in his eyes. ‘Cole?’ she whispered through pain of a different kind. ‘Please tell me you’re all right.’ Please, please.

‘Vicki. I’m all right.’ Two more steps and he stood before her, looking stunned. Lifting his arms as though he was going to hug her, he hesitated, dropped his hands to his sides. ‘Hello, sweet—’ He stopped, staring at her, swallowing non-stop. ‘Damn,’ he muttered.

Vicki jerked backwards, away from his tempting body. Tension sparked between them like forked lightning. Anxiety blindsided her. She couldn’t do this. He’d nearly called her sweetheart. As normal, as though nothing was wrong.

I love him. Totally. Nothing has changed.

Her heart was coming out of her chest, her head spinning out of control.

I love him as much as ever.

Forget all the doubts since the miscarriage. Forget her own needs. Cole meant everything to her. Memories of him holding her, his hands strong, and warm, and, well, right. They fitted her. Slowly, she raised her head to gaze into his dark blue eyes.

I love you.

Had she said that out loud? He hadn’t reacted, so hopefully she hadn’t. The moment for telling him would never come if they didn’t reach some understanding. They had to. He meant everything to her, was her life, the future.

Fight for what you want.

This weekend was about finishing their relationship, or possibly getting back together with different ideas of how to go ahead.

She froze, one muscle at a time. Gritted her teeth to keep words back. Words like, ‘Hello, darling, I’ve missed you so much’. She wasn’t going to be that woman again. Had no intention of returning to being the woman who was more concerned about keeping Cole happy before all else. She would eventually shrivel inside, turn bitter, or unhappy and sad as her mother had become before she’d woken up to what she needed to do. It was time to fight for herself, not give in to this gripping love.

Remaining still, she denied the warmth and longing warring in her veins. Fought the desire to touch Cole, to lean in against that altered yet familiar body. To let him hug her tight and close. To hug him back like there was no tomorrow. But there was. Give in now and she might as well walk down the drive and go back to Sydney with him tonight, no conversations, no plans or changes made. Forget her hopes for the future.

‘You’re early.’

Lame, Vicki. But she was fighting for survival. Anything went.

‘I didn’t want this weather bomb to prevent me making it to Cairns so I changed my flight.’ His gaze bored into her with a hunger she hadn’t expected since their infrequent phone discussions had been so awkward.

It was good to see his reaction; despite everything, it warmed her throughout. It had to mean there was hope. What was she hoping for? A lightning bolt moment where Cole understood what she needed? After all these years?

‘I could not miss seeing you for anything,’ he added.

Now Cole stood before her, she realised she’d been holding her breath for days in case he changed his mind about coming. Not that he would’ve. That wasn’t his way. But, still, their relationship was unrecognisable. They had to do this, sort out everything before they could move on separately. Not together. He’d wouldn’t have changed that much. Nausea rose.

Give in, carry on being the pleaser you’re so good at being. Kiss him, hug him. Buy a ticket on the next flight to Sydney. Make him happy.

No. She mustn’t. Because eventually something would happen to drive a wedge between them again, or she’d sink into an abyss where she’d given up on herself. But she still loved Cole. There was no denying that. Which only made everything so much harder. ‘I’ve still got nearly an hour before finishing up here.’

He nodded curtly, wincing as he shrugged his shoulder where a small pack hung against his back. Like it hurt having any weight pulling at him.

What had happened? ‘Cole?’ His name slipped across her lips before she could stop it. ‘What—?’

He cut her off. ‘Not now. I’ll wait down the road at the pub.’

Nothing had changed. ‘No. Tell me now.’

He shook his head as though clearing something away. Those piercing eyes she knew so well were filled with a pain she’d never seen before. They locked onto her, sending shivers of excitement right down to her damp toes. Damn him. ‘Vicki, seeing you is the best thing to happen for a long time.’

As she made to stop him saying anything more that might undermine her determination to keep him at a distance she once more had to fight the urge to throw herself at him and hang on tight. As usual he’d deliberately diverted her from her question. Nothing new there.

Cole held up his hand. ‘Hear me out.’ Then he couldn’t continue. Vicki, his beautiful wife, stood there, the battle going on in her head showing through her eyes and on her face. All he could think was, I love you. Nothing else mattered. He loved Vicki. He always had and always would.