Zero Negativity

I’ve got better and better at coping with claustrophobia over the years. In my old life there were times when I’d no choice but to put myself through it, and on those occasions I was able to exert the self-control needed to succeed. Now, however, I’ve reached a point where I ask myself: how much of my life am I really going to be spending in these sorts of small, confined spaces? The answer is: not much. So is it worth expending vast amounts of my time and energy confronting this fear? Probably not. It doesn’t affect my career, it’s not stopping me from being a good husband or father and it’s not preventing me doing anything I love.

When I struggled with fear and found myself not wanting to go back to Afghanistan, I had to confront it, because I risked losing everything I loved doing. I had to ask myself if I was willing to sacrifice my training, the belonging I felt as part of that unit, to the fact that I was scared. No, I wasn’t willing to abandon any of it, so I worked on it, I challenged it until I had defeated it. Claustrophobia is different. At the time, it was manageable and I knew I could just drag it along with me. Now I simply steer clear of any situation where I think I’m likely to feel that discomfort.

My mate’s a fireman and three times he’s said to me, ‘Ant, I’ve OK’d it with the boss. You can go down the rat run and we’ll pump smoke through the little pipes as you crawl through them.’ Every time I’ve been really enthusiastic for a little while, and every time I’ve put it off. There are better things I can do with my time. Much better things. In fact, I couldn’t think of anything worse than being trapped in a smoked-out room, wearing the whole firefighter’s apparatus, and trying to squeeze through a series of tiny holes. With people in front and behind me? Fuck. That.

With other people, I can see that it might be different – I know that there are huge variations in the fears and emotions experienced by everybody. If you’re afraid of flying, you’ll probably be able to live much of your life quite happily without that fear impinging on you. But what if you want to go on holiday abroad? It’s going to be something you’re going to have to deal with. Especially if the alternative is a week away in Grimsby.

FIND YOUR POSITIVE MOTIVATOR

Your positive motivator is the thing that will drag you through even the toughest of times, giving you the inspiration you need to make the most of your strengths and overcome your weaknesses.

People have come to me so many times and complained about how much effort they’ve wasted on a particular situation and got nowhere. The answer is usually obvious – the missing ingredient is almost always positivity. They’ll say, ‘How the fuck am I supposed to think positively when I can’t dig myself out of this hole?’ My answer will invariably be, ‘You’re stuck there because you’re not thinking positively.’

They’ve got all these other elements, which are great; but they’re running on negative fuel, and they’ve got nothing to give them a positive motivator, a light at the end of the tunnel. It’s only positivity – the positivity that only you can provide – that will tie all your effort and drive together, and keep you bouncing back.

My positive motivator is my family. I want to be the best version of myself so that I can be a good role model for them and provide a secure, happy foundation for them to go on and thrive. I have to work hard for this – eighty-hour weeks, months at a time away from Emilie and the kids – but having this positive motivator means that I’m willing to endure whatever sacrifices I need to make. I know I’ll constantly need to evolve and change to get there; but that’s fine, because I know it will be worth it.

Take time to work out what you really want from life. It’s by looking inside yourself, interrogating your priorities, really examining your ambitions, that you’ll find your positive motivator. Above all, you have to be honest with yourself. Success for some people is a big house and a nice car. However, you should be wary of reducing your positive motivator to a shopping list. The material things that have come my way are great, and I appreciate them; it’s just that I see them as the by-products of success rather than an end in themselves. Do you really want the sole aim of your existence to be acquiring a new Mercedes? Will that provide you with the fulfilment you need? Only you can answer that question.

POSITIVE THINKING IS SMART THINKING

Positive thinking is also, to a large extent, smart thinking. It’s not about indiscriminate, undirected energy. People think that resilience is all about grit and determination. They’re big parts of it, but as I see it, a willingness to run through walls is, at best, only a start. If you don’t inject positivity into that it will soon wear thin. It will run out or, worse, curdle into negativity. You’ll tell yourself that you’ve tried and failed, so what’s the point?

There was a good example of this on the latest celebrity edition of SAS: Who Dares Wins. I’ll always give people a chance, no matter how negative they might appear at first glance. It’s stupid to write people off immediately, and everybody deserves another go. It’s a principle that I try to put into practice in the show. If we gave up on contestants when they first made a mistake or disappointed us in some way, then by episode six it would just be us instructors griping at each other, and nobody wants to watch that. I want to give them space to work things out for themselves, be honest with themselves. Am I doing this for the right reasons? If the answer is no, do you want to prolong the suffering, because you know the outcome? I can help them towards their decision, but I can’t make it for them. Carrying on regardless, slamming your head against a wall, isn’t always right. That’s why sometimes when contestants do hand me their armband, I’ll congratulate them.

In this particular series, Anthea Turner was always at the back of every task, along with John Fashanu. I called them grandma and grandad. After day three I let all the others go in and hauled them out onto the parade square and stood them in front of me.

‘Why are you two always at the fucking back.’ I looked at Anthea: ‘Do you want to hand your number in?’

‘No, staff.’

‘Listen, all you’re doing is prolonging your suffering. It’s inevitable. Fucking think about it; I’m doing you a favour here. Think about why you want to be here. You’re hanging out of your fucking arse, you’re always last. I think it’s time for you.’

I said the same thing to John, who responded by standing to attention and bellowing back: ‘I will improve, staff!’

We were all, what the fuck? While we were trying to compose ourselves, Anthea piped up again. ‘Do you know what, staff, you’re bang on. It was an absolute pleasure to be on this course, thank you for the experience.’

I don’t think I could have given her more respect if she’d passed the course. Next day, John had gone. It turned out that he didn’t improve. Not even close. Only one of them had been honest with themselves. She wasn’t lying or bullshitting herself; instead she placed the problem squarely before her eyes, made an assessment of the situation and in doing so was able to appreciate how far she’d come. She emerged with a positive from a negative situation. In her eyes and mine she’d succeeded, and she could go out on a high.

Emilie

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