Английские анекдоты / English Jokes

The police stop him and say that he can’t drive around with the penguins in the car and should take them to the zoo.

The man agrees and drives off.

The next day the same man is driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back and again he is stopped by the same police officer who says, “Hey! I thought I told you to take those to the zoo.”

The man replies, “I did. Today I’m taking them to the movies.”

* * *

A police officer in a small town stopped a driver who was speeding down Main Street.

“But, officer,” the man began, “I can explain – ”

“Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.”

“But, officer, I just wanted to say…”

“And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!”

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”

“Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell. “I’m the groom.”

* * *

An elderly man calls his son in London and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough! I’m sick of her, and I’m sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Manchester and tell her,” and then hangs up.[37]

The son calls his sister, who goes nuts[38] upon hearing the news.

She calls her father and yells, “You are not getting a divorce! Bob and I will be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a single thing, do you hear me?”

The father hangs up the phone, turns to his wife, and says, “It worked! The kids are coming for a visit, and they’re paying their own way!”

* * *

One day an unknown youth asked Mozart to explain to him how to start to compose a symphony.

“You are young,” answered Mozart. “In the beginning write a ballade, and if you like it, come to me.”

“But you! At the age of ten you have composed a lot of music.”

“But I did not ask anybody how to do it.”

* * *

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later:

“Da-ad…” “What?”

“I’m thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?[39]” “No. You had your chance. Lights out![40]”

Five minutes later:

“Da-aaaad…” “WHAT?”

“I’m THIRSTY… Can I have a drink of water?”

“I told you NO! If you ask again I’ll have to spank you!”

Five minutes later…

“WHAT?!”

“When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?”

* * *

John had just got a set of new teeth and went away for a holiday. His wife knowing how easily a set of teeth can be lost if you are bathing in a rough sea, wrote to him saying: “Take care not to wear your new teeth when you are bathing in the sea.”

He wrote back: “Why didn’t you telegraph?”

* * *

“When I use a hammer I always hit my thumb with it. What should I do to prevent it?”

“The only thing that I can think of, madam, is that you should hold the hammer with both hands.”

* * *

A blonde goes to a barber and asks for a haircut. The barber asks her to take off her headphones, and she says she needs them and can’t take them off. As he starts to cut her hair, she falls asleep[41] in the chair. The barber can’t cut her hair correctly with the headphones on, so he removes them, and after 30 seconds she drops dead.[42] Startled by what’s happened, he picks up the earphones to listen what it was and they said, “Breath in, breath out. Breath in, breath out…”

* * *

“Why didn’t the skeleton go to the party?”

“Because he had no-body to go with!”

* * *

“I have good news and bad news”, the defence lawyer[43] says to his client.

“What’s the bad news?”

The lawyer says:

“Your blood matches the DNA[44] found at the murder scene.[45]”

“Dammit![46]” cries the client. “What’s the good news?”

“Well,” the lawyer says. “Your cholesterol is down to 140.”

* * *

“Why couldn’t Cinderella be a good football player?”

“She lost her shoe, she ran away from the ball, and her coach[47] was a pumpkin.”

* * *

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says:

“I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards[48] signed, “Guess who?”

“But why?” asks the man.

“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replies.

* * *

A man walked into a doctor’s office looking very depressed. “Doc, you’ve got to help me. I can’t go on like this.”

“What’s the problem?” the doctor inquired.

“Well, I’m 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away.”

“My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem.[49] Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you’ll have women buzzing all around you.”

The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden[50] expression on his face.

“Did my advice not work?” asked the doctor.

“It worked alright. For the past several weeks I’ve enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women.”

“So, what’s your problem?”

“I don’t have a problem,” the man replied. “My wife does.”

* * *

We’ve all heared that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters[51] will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the internet, we know this is not true.

* * *

“What’s worse than finding a maggot in an apple?”

“Finding half a maggot!”

* * *

A thief stuck a pistol in a man’s ribs and said, “Give me your money.”

The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said, “You cannot do this, I’m a congressman!”

The thief said, “In that case, give me my money!”

* * *

As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, “Anyone here know how to pray?”

One man stepped forward. “Yes, Captain, I know how to pray.”

“Good,” said the captain, “you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets – we’re one short.[52]”

* * *

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, “You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!” The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

* * *

A tourists guide was talking with a group of school kids at a park when one of the kids asked him if he had ever came face-to-face with a wolf.

“Yes, I came face to face with a wolf once. And as luck would have it, I was alone and without a weapon.”

“What did you do?” the little girl asked.

“What could I do? First, I tried looking him straight in the eyes but he slowly came toward me. I moved back, but he kept coming nearer and nearer. I had to think fast.”

“How did you get away?”

“As a last resort,[53] I just turned around and walked quickly to the next cage.”

* * *

Two guys were hiking in the mountains when they came across an old mine shaft going straight down into the ground.

“Wow,” said the first guy. “I wonder how deep it is?”

“I don’t know,” said the second.

“Let’s find out.” With that, he dropped a rock down the hole. They waited and waited, but didn’t hear it hit bottom.

“Hmm. Let’s try a bigger rock,” said the first guy, and tossed a watermelon-sized stone down the hole. They waited a couple of minutes, but didn’t hear it hit either. So, they looked around for something bigger to throw down and came across an old railroad tie,[54] which they lifted together and dumped down the hole. Then suddenly, as they waited to hear it hit, a goat streaked between the two of them and jumped straight down.

While they stood there scratching their heads in amazement, a third guy came up the path and asked them if they’d seen a goat.

“Yeah, just now,” said one of the first two guys. “It just ran up and jumped down this hole.”

“Oh, well then it couldn’t have been my goat,” said the third guy. “My goat was tied to an old railroad tie.”

* * *

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things.

One lady says, “You know, I’m getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn’t remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down.”

The second lady says, “You think that’s bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed and I couldn’t remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up!”

The third lady smiles, “Well, my memory is just as good as it’s always been, knock on wood,[55]” she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, “Who’s there?”

* * *

Tragically, three friends die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the gates of heaven. Before entering, they are each asked a question by St. Peter.

“When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?” asks St. Peter.

The first guy says, “I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.”

The second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a difference in our children of tomorrow.”

The last guy replies, “I would like to hear them say, “Look! He’s moving!”

* * *

While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk.

“People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears,” one says, “but we have no one to go to with our own problems.”

“Since we’re all professionals,” another suggests, “why don’t we hear each other out right now?”

They agreed this is a good idea.

The first psychiatrist confesses, “I’m a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually over-bill my patients as often as I can.”

The second admits, “I have a drug problem that’s out of control, and I often pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me.”

The third psychiatrist says, “I know it’s wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can’t keep a secret.”

* * *

A mother brings her five year old son to the doctor’s office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

“So Doctor, what do you think is the matter with my little boy?” she asks.

The doctor replies, “He’s just not eating properly.”

* * *

When anyone asked the elderly spinster why she had not married, she answered:

“I have a dog that growls, a parrot that swears, a fireplace that smokes, and a cat that stays out all night. Why should I want a husband?”

* * *

“Doctor, Doctor, my little boy just swallowed a roll of film!”

“Hmmmm. Let’s hope nothing develops.[56]”

* * *

“Doctor, Doctor, I’ve lost my memory!”

“When did this happen?”

“When did what happen?”

* * *

The difference between dogs and cats. A dog thinks, “Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me… They must be gods!” A cat thinks, “Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me… I must be a god!”

* * *

A robber was robbing a house when he heard a voice. “Jesus is watching you!” “Who’s there?” The robber said. But no sound was heard. So he kept going and he heard it two more times when he spotted a parrot. “What’s your name?” the robber asked. “Cocodora?” said the parrot. “Now, what kind of idiot would name a bird Cocodora”, said the robber. “The same idiot who named the rotweiler[57] Jesus,” said the parrot.

* * *

“Why you are going to marry that police captain?”

“It is against the law, you know, to resist an officer.”

* * *

“I hear you are marrying again! But your wife passed away[58] only three weeks ago!”

“I know, but I am not one who holds a grudge long.[59]”

* * *

A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse strapped around his neck. He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there until it’s his turn to be waited on.

A man, who was already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase and noticed the dog. The butcher leaned over the counter and asked the dog what it wanted today.

The dog put its paw on the glass case in front of the ground beef, and the butcher said, “How many pounds?” The dog barked twice, so the butcher made a package of two pounds ground beef. He then said, “Anything else?” The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the butcher said, “How many?” The dog barked four times, and the butcher made up a package of four pork chops.

The dog walked around behind the counter, so the butcher could get at the purse and take out the appropriate amount of money before tying the two packages of meat around the dog’s neck.

The man, who had been watching all of this, decided to follow the dog. The dog walked for several blocks and then walked up to a house where it began to scratch the door to be let in.[60]

As the owner opened the door, the man called to the owner, “That’s a really smart dog you have there.”

“He’s not really all that smart,” the owner replied. “This is the second time this week he forgot his key.”

* * *

A duck walks into a general store and asks the manager, “Got any fresh fruit?” “No.” “Got any fresh vegetables?” “No. We have only canned and dry goods.”

The next day, the duck returns. “Got any fresh fruit?” “No.” “Got any fresh vegetables?” “No. I told you yesterday, we have only canned and dry goods. If you come back tomorrow and ask me the same question, I’ll nail your flippers to the floor.”

On the 3rd day, the duck walks in and asks, “Got any nails?” “No.” “Got any fresh fruit?”

* * *

A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog.[61] All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head.[62]

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Примечания

1

lived to be 107 years old – дожил до 107 лет

2

to putter along – плестись

3

22 MPH = 22 miles per hour – миль в час

4

pulls the driver over – останавливает водителя

5

Let’s get off the corner. – Ну-ка, разойдитесь.

6

picks up – забирает, подхватывает

7

nervousness builds – волнение растёт

8

walk around – подходить

9

as she got to – когда она подошла

10

without missing a beat – не задумавшись ни на секунду

11

Get in. – Садись в машину.

12

you were keeping company – вы были неразлучны

13

why in the world – почему, чёрт возьми

14

Here! – Эй, послушайте!

15

Never mind! – Ничего! Не важно!

16

I’ll take a chance. – Я рискну.

17

gators = alligators

18

ain’t = aren’t

19

nothin’ = nothing

20

got ’em = got them

21

Human Resources – отдел кадров

22

fresh out of – только что из

23

benefits package – социальный пакет

24

matching retirement fund – пенсионный фонд за счёт компании

25

say – скажем

26

Corvette – «Корвет» (марка машины)

27

Wow! – возглас удивления

28

senior citizen – человек пенсионного возраста; пожилой человек

29

Heck! – Чёрт!

30

snaps to attention – вытягивается по струнке

31

Hold it! – Постойте!

32

county government – администрация округа

33

GI – солдат, подчинённый

34

panting heavily – задыхаясь

35

beat the alarm – встал раньше будильника

36

I can’t stand you – я не могу тебя выносить

37

hangs up – вешает трубку

38

goes nuts – сходит с ума

39

a drink of water – глоток воды

40

Lights out! – Гасим свет!

41

falls asleep – засыпает

42

drops dead – падает замертво

43

defence lawyer – адвокат

44

DNA – ДНК (дезоксирибонуклеиновая кислота)

45

murder scene – место преступления

46

Dammit! – Проклятие! Чёрт побери!

47

coach – игра слов: наставник, карета

48

Valentine cards – открытки ко дню св. Валентина

49

self-esteem – самооценка

50

downtrodden – угнетённый

51

banging on a million typewriters – беспорядочно печатающих на миллионе печатных машинок

52

we’re one short – у нас одного не хватает

53

as a last resort – в качестве последнего средства

54

railroad tie – железнодорожная шпала

55

knock on wood – как бы не сглазить

56

nothing develops – игра слов: ничего не произойдёт; ничего не проявится (на плёнке)

57

rotweiler – ротвейлер (порода собаки)

58

passed away – скончалась

59

holds a grudge long – злится

60

to be let in – чтобы его впустили

61

seeing eye dog – собака-поводырь

62

begins swinging the dog over his head – начинает вертеть собакой над головой