Once Cold

“I think it was a mistake,” she said.

“What was?”

“Leaving the cabin to me. It was wrong for him to do that. It should have gone to you.”

Wendy looked genuinely surprised.

“Why?” she asked.

Riley felt all kinds of ugly emotions welling up inside her. She cleared her throat.

“Because you were with him at the end, when he was in hospice. You took care of him. You even took care of everything afterwards – his funeral and all the legal stuff. I wasn’t there. I – ”

She almost choked on her next words.

“I don’t think I could have done that. Things weren’t good between us.”

Wendy smiled sadly.

“Things weren’t good between him and me either.”

Riley knew it was true. Poor Wendy – Daddy had beaten her regularly until at last she ran away for good at the age of fifteen. And yet Wendy had shown the decency to take care of Daddy at the end.

Riley had done no such thing, and she couldn’t help feeling guilty about it.

Riley said, “I don’t know what the cabin is worth. It must be worth something. I want you to have it.”

Wendy’s eyes widened. She looked alarmed.

“No,” she said.

The bluntness of her reply startled Riley.

“Why not?” Riley asked.

“I just can’t. I don’t want it. I want to forget all about him.”

Riley knew just how she felt. She felt the same way.

Wendy added, “You should just sell it. Keep the money. I want you to.”

Riley didn’t know what to say.

Fortunately, Wendy changed the subject.

“Before he died, Dad told me you were a BAU agent. How long have you been doing that kind of work?”

“About twenty years,” Riley said.

“Well. I think Dad was proud of you.”

A bitter chuckle rose up in Riley’s throat.

“No, he wasn’t,” she said.

“How do you know?”

“Oh, he let me know. He had his own way of communicating things like that.”

Wendy sighed.

“I suppose he did,” Wendy said.

An awkward silence fell. Riley wondered what they should talk about. After all, they’d barely spoken for many years. Should they try again to figure out how to get together in person? Riley couldn’t imagine traveling to Des Moines just to see this stranger named Wendy. And she was sure Wendy felt the same way about coming to Fredericksburg.

After all, what could they possibly have in common?

At that moment, Riley’s desk phone rang. She was grateful for the interruption.

“I’d better get that,” Riley said.

“I understand,” Wendy said. “Thanks for getting in touch.”

“Thank you,” Riley said.

They ended the call and Riley answered her phone. Riley said hello, then heard a confused-sounding woman’s voice.

“Hello … who’s speaking?”

“Who’s calling?” Riley asked.

A silence fell.

“Is … is Ryan at home?” the woman asked.

Her words sounded slurred now. Riley felt pretty sure the woman was drunk.

“No,” Riley said. She hesitated for a moment. After all, she told herself, it could be a client of Ryan’s. But she knew it wasn’t. The situation was all too familiar.

Riley said, “Don’t call this number again.”

She hung up.

She bristled with anger.

It’s starting all over again, she thought.

She dialed up Ryan’s home phone number.

CHAPTER THREE

When Ryan answered the phone, Riley wasted no time getting to the point.

“Are you seeing someone else, Ryan?” she asked.

“Why?”

“A woman called here asking for you.”

Ryan hesitated before asking, “Did you get her name?”

“No. I hung up.”

“I wish you hadn’t. She might have been a client.”

“She was drunk, Ryan. And it was personal. I could hear it in her voice.”

Ryan didn’t seem to know what to say.

Riley repeated her question, “Are you seeing someone else?”

“I – I’m sorry,” Ryan stammered. “I don’t know how she got your number. It must have been some kind of mistake.”

Oh, there’s been a mistake, all right, Riley thought.

“You’re not answering my question,” she said.

Ryan was starting to sound angry now.

“What if I am seeing someone else? Riley, we never made any agreement to be exclusive.”

Riley was stunned. No, she couldn’t remember them making any such agreement. But even so …

“I just assumed – ” she began.

“Maybe you assumed too much,” Ryan interrupted.

Riley tried to fight down her temper.

“What’s her name?” she asked.

“Lina.”

“Is it serious?”

“I don’t know.”

The phone was shaking in Riley’s hand.

She said, “Don’t you think it’s about time you made up your mind?”

A silence fell.

Finally, Ryan said, “Riley, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about this. I need some space. This whole family thing – I thought I was ready for it, but I wasn’t. I want to enjoy my life. You should take some time to enjoy your life too.”

Riley could hear an all-too-familiar tone in his voice.

He’s back in playboy mode again, she thought.

He was relishing his new liaison, pulling away from Riley and his family. He’d seemed like a changed man recently – more committed and responsible. She should have realized all along that it wouldn’t last. He hadn’t changed at all.

“What are you going to do now?” she asked.

Ryan sounded relieved to be getting his feelings out at last.

“Look, this whole thing of going back and forth between your house and mine – it’s not really working for me. It feels too temporary. I think I’d better leave.”

“April’s going to be upset,” Riley said.

“I know. But we’ll work something out. I’ll keep spending time with her. And she’ll be OK. She’s been through worse.”

Ryan’s glibness was making Riley angrier by the second. She felt ready to explode.

“And what about Jilly?” Riley said. “She’s become very fond of you. She’s come to count on you. You help her with lots of things, like her homework. She needs you. She’s going through so many changes, and it’s hard for her.”

There was another pause. Riley knew that Ryan was getting ready to say something she really wasn’t going to like.

“Riley, Jilly was your decision. I admire you for it. But I never signed up for it. Somebody else’s troubled teenager is too much for me. It’s not fair.”

For a moment, Riley was too furious to speak.

Ryan was back to thinking about no one’s feelings but his own.

The whole thing was hopeless.

“Come over here and get your things,” she said through clenched teeth. “Be sure to come when the girls are in school. I want everything of yours out of here as soon as possible.”

She hung up the phone.

She got up from her desk and paced the room, seething with anger.

She wished she had some outlet for her rage, but there wasn’t a thing she could do right now. She was in for a sleepless night of it.

But tomorrow, she could do something to let off steam.

CHAPTER FOUR

Riley knew that an attack was coming, and it was going be up close and sudden. And it could come from anywhere in these labyrinthine spaces. She worked her way carefully along a narrow hallway of the abandoned building.

But memories from last night kept intruding …

“I need some space,” Ryan had said.

“This whole family thing – I thought I was ready for it, but I wasn’t.”

“I want to enjoy my life.”

Riley was angry – not just with Ryan, but with herself for letting such thoughts distract her.

Stay focused, she told herself. You’ve got a bad guy to take down.

And the situation was grim. Riley’s younger colleague Lucy Vargas had already been wounded. Riley’s longtime partner Bill Jeffreys had stayed with Lucy. They were both around a corner behind Riley, holding off approaching shooters. Riley heard a three-round burst from Bill’s rifle.

With danger lurking ahead of her, she couldn’t look back to see what was happening.

“What’s your situation, Bill?” she called out.

Now she heard a series of semiautomatic shots.

“One down, two more to go,” Bill called to her. “I’ll take these guys out, no problem. And I’ve got Lucy covered, she’ll be OK. You keep your eyes forward. That guy in front is good. Real good.”

Bill was right. Riley couldn’t see the shooter up ahead, but he’d already hit Lucy, who was an excellent markswoman herself. If Riley didn’t take him out, he was likely to kill all three of them.

She kept her M4 carbine raised and ready. She hadn’t handled an assault weapon in a long time, so she was still getting used to its bulk and weight.

Before her lay the hallway with all its doors standing open. The shooter could be in any one of those rooms. She was determined to find him, to blow him away before he could do any more damage.

Riley crept along near the wall, moving toward the first doorway. Hoping he was in there, she stood clear of the opening, reached out with the weapon, and fired a three-round burst inside. The gun jerked sharply in her hands. Then she stepped in front of the doorway and fired another three-round burst. This time she pressed the stock against her shoulder, which absorbed the recoil.

She lowered her weapon and saw that the room was empty. She whirled to make sure the hallway was still clear, then stood there for a moment considering her next move. Aside from being dangerous, checking from room to room like this was going to cost precious ammo. But right now, she seemed to have no choice. If the shooter was in one of those rooms, he was poised to kill whoever tried to pass the open doorway.

She paused for a moment to monitor her own physical reactions.

She was agitated, nervous.

Her pulse was pounding.

She was breathing hard and fast.

But was it from adrenaline or anger from last night?

Again she remembered …

“What if I am seeing someone else?” Ryan had said.

“Riley, we never made any agreement to be exclusive.”

He’d told her the woman’s name was Lina.

Riley wondered how old she was.

Probably too young.

Ryan’s women were always too young.

Damn it, stop thinking about him! She was reacting like some stupid rookie.

She had to remind herself of who she was. She was Riley Paige, and she was respected and admired.

She had years of training and fieldwork under her belt.

She’d been to hell and back over and over again. She’d taken lives and she’d saved lives. She was always cool in the face of danger.

So how could she let Ryan get to her like this?

She physically shook herself, trying to push the distractions out of her head.

She crept toward the next room, fired a burst around the doorframe, then stepped directly into the doorway and pulled the trigger again.

At that very moment, her rifle jammed.

“Damn,” Riley grumbled aloud.

By a stroke of luck, the shooter wasn’t in this room either. But she knew that her luck might run out at any second. She put down the M4 and drew her Glock pistol.

Just then, a flash of motion caught her eye. He was there, in that doorway just ahead, his rifle aimed directly at her. Instinctively, Riley hit the floor and rolled, avoiding his gunfire. Then she came up to a kneeling position and fired three times, bracing herself against the recoil with every round. All three bullets hit the shooter, who fell backward to the floor.

“Got him!” she yelled back at Bill. She watched the figure carefully and saw no sign of life. It was over.

Then Riley stood up and removed her VR helmet with its goggles, headphones, and microphone. The fallen shooter disappeared, along with the maze of hallways. She found herself in a room about the size of a basketball court. Bill was standing nearby, and Lucy was getting to her feet. Bill and Lucy were also taking off their helmets. Like Riley, they were wearing lots of other gear, including straps around their wrists, elbows, knees, and ankles that tracked their movements in the simulation.

Now that her companions weren’t simulated puppets, Riley paused for a moment to appreciate their real-life presence. They seemed like an odd pair – one of them mature and solid, the other young and impulsive.

But they were both among her favorite people in the world.

Riley had already worked with Lucy in the field more than once, and she knew that she could count on her. The dark-skinned, dark-eyed young agent always seemed to sparkle from inside, radiating energy and enthusiasm.

By contrast, Bill was Riley’s age, and although his forty years were slowing him a little, he was still a topnotch field agent.

He’s also still pretty good-looking, she reminded herself.

For a moment she wondered – now that things were tanking between her and Ryan, maybe she and Bill might …?

But no, she knew that was a terrible idea. In the past, she and Bill had both made clumsy efforts to start something serious, and the results had always been a disaster. Bill was a great partner and an even greater friend. It would be stupid to spoil all that.

“Good work,” Bill said to Riley. He was grinning broadly.

“Yeah, you saved my life, Agent Paige,” Lucy said, laughing. “I can’t believe I let myself get shot, though. I missed that guy when he was right in front of me!”

“That’s part of what this system is for,” Bill told Lucy, patting her on the back. “Even very experienced agents tend to miss their targets at close range, within ten feet. VR helps you deal with those kinds of problems.”

Lucy said, “Well, there’s nothing like taking a virtual bullet in the shoulder to teach you that lesson.” She rubbed her shoulder, where the equipment had delivered a slight sting to let her know she was hit.

“It’s better than a real one,” Riley said. “Anyway, I wish you a speedy recovery.”

“Thanks!” Lucy said, laughing again. “I’m feeling better already.”

Riley holstered the model pistol and picked up the fake assault rifle. She remembered the sharp recoil that she’d felt firing both weapons. And the nonexistent abandoned building had been detailed and vivid.

Even so, Riley felt strangely empty and unsatisfied.

But that certainly wasn’t the fault of either Bill or Lucy. And she was grateful that they’d taken some time this morning to join her in this exercise.

“Thanks for agreeing to do this with me,” she said. “I guess I needed to blow off some steam.”

“Feel better?” Lucy asked.

“Yeah,” Riley said.

It wasn’t true, but she figured a little lie wouldn’t hurt.

“How about the three of us go get a cup of coffee?” Bill asked.

“Sounds great!” Lucy said.

Riley shook her head.

“Not today, thanks. Some other time. You two go ahead.”

Bill and Lucy left the huge VR room. For a moment, Riley wondered whether maybe she should go with them after all.

No, I’d be lousy company, she thought.

Ryan’s words kept echoing through her mind …

“Riley, Jilly was your decision.”

Ryan really had some nerve, turning his back on poor Jilly.

But Riley wasn’t angry now. Instead, she felt achingly sad.

But why?

Slowly she realized …

None of it’s real.

My whole life, everything’s fake.

Her hopes for becoming a family again with Ryan and the kids had just been an illusion.

Just like this damned simulation.

She fell to her knees and started to sob.

It took a few minutes for Riley to pull herself together. Grateful that no one had spotted her collapse, she got to her feet and headed back to her office. As soon as she stepped inside, her desk phone started ringing.

She knew who was calling.

She was expecting it.

And she knew that the conversation wasn’t going to be easy.

CHAPTER FIVE

“Hello, Riley,” a woman’s voice said when Riley picked up the phone.

It was a sweet voice – quavering and feeble with age, but friendly.

“Hello, Paula,” Riley said. “How are you?”

The caller sighed.

“Well, you know – today’s always hard.”

Riley understood. Paula’s daughter, Tilda, had been killed on this day twenty-five years ago.

“I hope you don’t mind my calling,” Paula said.

“Of course not, Paula,” Riley assured her.

After all, Riley had initiated their rather peculiar relationship years ago. Riley had never actually worked on the case that included Tilda’s murder. She had gotten in touch with the victim’s mother long after the case had gone cold.

This annual call between them had been a ritual for years.

Riley still found it strange, having these conversations with someone she’d never met. She didn’t even know what Paula looked like. She knew that Paula was sixty-eight now. She had been forty-three, just three years older than Riley, when her daughter was murdered. Riley imagined her as a kindly, gray-haired, grandmotherly figure.

“How is Justin?” Riley asked.

Riley had talked to Paula’s husband a couple of times, but had never gotten to know him.

Paula sighed again.

“He passed away last summer.”

“I’m sorry,” Riley said. “How did it happen?”

“It was sudden, completely out of the blue. It was an aneurysm – or maybe a heart attack. They offered to do an autopsy to determine which it was. I said, ‘Why bother?’ It wasn’t going to bring him back.”

Riley felt terrible for the woman. She knew that Tilda had been her only daughter. The loss of her husband couldn’t be easy.

“How are you coping?” Riley asked.

“One day at a time,” Paula said. “It’s lonely here now.”

There was a note of almost unbearable sadness in her voice, as if she felt ready to join her husband in death.

Riley found such loneliness hard to imagine. She felt a burst of gratitude to have caring people in her life – April, Gabriela, and now Jilly. Riley had endured fears of losing all of them. April had been seriously endangered more than once.

And of course, there were wonderful old friends, like Bill. He had also faced more than his share of risks.

I won’t ever take them for granted, she thought.

“And how about you, dear?” Paula asked.

Maybe that was why Riley felt as though she could talk with Paula about things that she couldn’t with most people.

“Well, I’m in the process of adopting a thirteen-year-old girl. That’s been an adventure. Oh, and Ryan came back for a while. Then he took off again. Another sweet young thing caught his eye.”

“How awful for you!” Paula said. “I was lucky with Justin. He never strayed. And I suppose in the long run he was lucky too. He went quickly, no lingering pain or suffering. I hope when my time comes …”

Paula’s voice trailed off.

Riley shuddered.

Paula had lost a daughter to a killer who had never been brought to justice.

Riley had also lost someone to a killer who was never found.

She spoke slowly.

“Paula … I still have flashbacks about it. Nightmares too.”

Paula replied in a kindly, caring voice.

“I don’t suppose that’s surprising. You were little. And you were there when it happened. I was spared what you went through.”

That word spared startled Riley.

It didn’t seem to her that Paula had been spared in any way.

True, Paula hadn’t been forced to watch her daughter die.

But surely losing one’s only child was even worse than what Riley had suffered.

Paula’s capacity for selfless empathy always astonished Riley.

Paula kept on speaking in a soothing voice.

“Grief never goes away, I don’t suppose. Maybe we shouldn’t want it to. What would we become if I forgot Justin or you forgot your mother? I don’t ever want to become that hard. As long as I still hurt and grieve, I feel human … and alive. It’s a part of who we both are, Riley.”

Riley blinked back a tear.

As always, Paula was telling her exactly what she needed to hear.

But as always, it wasn’t easy.

Paula continued, “And look at what you’ve done with your life – protecting others, pursuing justice. Your loss has helped make you who you are – a champion, a good and caring person.”

A single sob broke out of Riley’s throat.

“Oh, Paula. I wish things didn’t have to be like this – for either of us. I wish I could have – ”

Paula interrupted.

“Riley, we talk about this every year. My daughter’s killer will never be brought to justice. It’s nobody’s fault, and I don’t blame anybody. Least of all you. It was never your case to begin with. It’s not your responsibility. Everybody else did the best they could. The best thing you can do is just talk to me. And that makes my life ever so much better.”

“I’m sorry about Justin,” Riley said.

“Thank you. It means a lot to me.”

Riley and Paula agreed to talk again next year, then ended the call.

Riley sat quietly alone in her office.

Talking with Paula was always emotionally difficult, but most of the time it made Riley feel better.

Today Riley only felt worse.

Why was that?

Too much is going wrong, Riley realized.

Today, all the troubles in her life seemed to be linked together.

And somehow, she couldn’t help blaming herself for all the loss, for all the pain.

At least she didn’t feel like crying anymore. Crying certainly didn’t help. Besides, Riley had some routine paperwork to do today. She settled down at her desk and tried to work.

*

Later that afternoon, Riley drove straight from Quantico to Brody Middle School. Jilly was already waiting on the sidewalk when Riley pulled up to the curb.

Jilly jumped into the passenger seat.

“I’ve been waiting here for fifteen minutes!” she said. “Hurry! We’ll be late for the game!”

Riley chuckled a little.

“We’re not going to be late,” she said. “We’re going to be just in time.”

Riley drove on toward April’s high school.

As she drove, Riley began to worry again.

Had Ryan come to the house during the day to pick up his things?

And when and how was she going to break the news to the girls that he was gone?

“What’s the matter?” Jilly asked.

Riley hadn’t realized that her face had betrayed her feelings.

“Nothing,” she said.

“It’s not nothing,” Jilly said. “I can tell.”

Riley held back a sigh. Like April and Riley herself, Jilly was nothing if not observant.

Should I tell her now? Riley wondered.

No, this wasn’t the time. They were on their way to watch April play in a soccer game. She didn’t want to ruin the afternoon with bad news.

“It’s really nothing,” she said.

Riley parked at April’s school minutes before the game was to start. She and Jilly headed toward the viewer stands, which were already pretty crowded. Riley realized that maybe Jilly was right – maybe they should have arrived sooner.

“Where can we sit?” Riley asked.

“Up there!” Jilly said, pointing to the top level, where some space was still available. “I’ll be able to stand up against the back railing and see everything.”

They climbed up the bleachers and took their seats. In a matter of minutes, the game started. April was playing midfield, obviously having a great time. Riley noticed right away that she was an aggressive player.

As they watched, Jilly commented, “April says she wants to really develop her game skills during the next couple of years. Is it true that soccer might get her a college scholarship?”

“If she really works at it,” Riley said.

“Wow. That’s cool. Maybe I can do that too.”

Riley smiled. It was wonderful that Jilly was taking such a positive view of the future. In the life she’d left behind, Jilly had had little to hope for. Her prospects had been grim. She almost certainly wouldn’t have finished high school, let alone think about college. A whole world of possibilities was opening up for her.

I guess I do some things right, Riley thought.

As Riley watched, April got inside her defender’s position and made a beautiful corner kick that slammed past the opposing goalkeeper. She’d scored the first goal of the game.

Riley leaped to her feet, cheering and clapping.

As she cheered, Riley recognized another girl on the team. It was April’s friend Crystal Hildreth. Riley hadn’t seen Crystal in quite some time. The sight of the girl stirred up some complicated emotions.

Crystal and her father, Blaine, used to live right next door to Riley and her family.

Blaine was a charming man. Riley had gotten romantically interested in him, and he in her.