Representative Plays by American Dramatists: 1856-1911: Rip van

Derric.

Well, honest Rip, how wags the world with you?

Rip.

Bad enough, sir, for though [labouring]70 from morn to night, I can make no advance in de world, though my industry is proverbial, and dat's a fact.

Derric.

Why, where the bottle is concerned, few, I believe, can boast so much industry.

Rip.

Dat is a fact; but I suppose you have called concerning de rent. [Aside.] How my heart [goes and comes!]71 [Aloud.] Now if your honour will be so [good]72 enough to—

Derric.

To write the receipt: certainly.

Rip.

Nine, nine! [Aside.] I'm stewed alive mit [perspiration.]73

Derric.

We'll talk of the rent at a future period! There is another affair on which I wish to consult you.

Rip.

Take a chair, your honour.—[Aside, rubbing his hands together.]—It's all right, by de hookey.—[Aloud.]—Take a glass mit me. [They take chairs.

Derric.

You know my only son, [whose life you preserved?]74

Rip.

Yes; and a [wild]75 harum-scarum [dog]76 he is. [Drinks.

Derric.

He [is now stationed in New York, studying the law, and]77 has become a staid, sober, prudent youth; and [now]78, 'tis my wish that he should settle in this, his native place, and [that he]79 marry some honest girl, who is altogether unacquainted with the frivolities of cities; and I have been thinking that in a few years your daughter will be grown up, and would make a suitable match for him. True, there will be some disparity in their ages, but as the years are on the side of the husband, so 'twill be all the better for the wife, in having a matured preceptor.

Rip.

Beg [pardon],80 sir; but it strikes me you are only carrying on your rigs mit me.

Derric.

No, on my honour; and, to convince you that I'm in earnest, I have brought with me a contract, by which our offspring, when of age, are bound to intermarry, or forfeit their several fortunes. I shall settle all mine on Herman, and I shall expect you to do the same for your daughter.

Rip.

Yah! yah! [ech woll]81; I'll give her all [I got]82; all my money; but she must be [d–d]83 smart if she can find ['em.]84 Take a drink, [Mr.]85 Burgomaster. [Drinks.

Derric.

Well, here are the two contracts, both binding and legally drawn.

Rip.

Yah! yah! [Drinks.—Derric gives him the pen.] What you want me to do mit dis?

Derric.

Merely sign your name.

Rip.

Me, [put]86 my name to dat [paper], mitout my old woman knowing?—mine goot [friend],87 she would skin me. [Noise in closet.] [Schat! you witch!]88

Derric.

But I was about to propose, on condition of your signing the contract, to let you live rent free, in future.

Rip.

Rent free! I'll sign! but [stop]!89 my old woman [must] play [old hob]90 mit me—so put down dat I can break dat contract, if I choose, in twenty years and a day.—[Noise.]—[Schat! you witch!]91

Derric.

[Writing.] As you please.92 [Noise.

Rip.

Schat! you witch!93 [Drinks.

Derric.

Is that a cat, friend Rip? [Writing.

Rip.

I don't know if it is a cat—but, if it is my dog [Snider],94 I wouldn't be in his skin when de old woman comes back.

Derric.

There, friend Rip, I have inserted, at your request, this codicil: “Should the said Rip Van Winkle think fit to annul this contract, within twenty years and a day, he shall be at full liberty to do so.”

Rip.

Yah, yah! [dos] is recht—dat is goot. Now [Mr.]95 Burgomaster, what you want me to do?

Derric.

Sign it!

Rip.

Wass?

Derric.

Sign!

Rip.

Give me de [paper]96.—[Takes it.]—How my head turns round.—[Reading.]—“Should the said Rip Van Winkle”—yah, yah! dat is me.—"Rip Van Winkle—twenty years and a day."—Oh, dat is all recht.—[Writing.]—R-i-p V-a-n—[Noise.]—Schat! you witch! W-i-n-k-l-e—now, dere he is.

Derric.

And there is the counterpart. [Gives it.

Rip.

Dis is for me, eh? I'll put him in my breast [pocket]97—yah, yah.

Derric.

Now, Rip, I must bid you good evening.

Rip.

Stop! Take some more liquor. Why, de bottle is empty. Here! Alice! Alice! get some more schnapps for de burgomaster.

Derric.

No, not to-night. [Rising.] But, should you want any you will always find a bottle for you at your old friend Rory's; so, good-night.

Rip.

Stop, [Mr.]98 Burgomaster! I will go and get dat bottle now.—[Rising.]—Alice, Alice! [comma see hah!]99

Enter Alice

Rip.

Alice, give me mine hat. [Alice gives it.] Now, take care of de house till I comes back: if de old woman comes before I gets home, tell her I am gone out mit de burgomaster on [par—par—tick—partickler]100 business.101 [Exit, with Derric.

Alice advances, and brings on Knickerbocker from the closet.

Alice.

So, Mr. Knickerbocker, you are still here.

Knickerbocker.

Yes, all that's left of me! and, now that the coast is clear, I'll give them leg bail, as the lawyers have it; and if ever they catch me here again—[He goes towards the door, and returns in sudden alarm.] Oh dear! oh dear! here's mother Van Winkle coming back. I shall never get out of this mess.

Alice.

It's all your own fault! Why would you come to-night!

Knickerbocker.

I shall never be able to come again—the cross vixen will take care of that if she catches me here.

Alice.

[There is but one method of avoiding her wrath:]102 slip on the clothes the old pedlar woman brought for sale, and I'll warrant you'll soon be tumbled out of the house.

Knickerbocker.

With a good thrashing to boot, I suppose. [No matter, if I can but slip out of the house, I don't care what I slip into.]103 [Knickerbocker sits in arm-chair, and is attired by Alice in a woman's dress: on rising, the petticoats but reach his knees.] Confound the lower garments! they're too short [by half.]104

Alice.

'Tis your legs are too long [by half!]105; stoop down; [say as little as possible, and you'll not be discovered.]106 [He again sits.

Dame enters

Dame.

[Well, I've got back and I see Mr. Van Slaus is gone! but]107 where's that varlet, Rip; out again? Oh, that Rip! that Rip! I'll certainly be the death of him; or he will of me, which is most likely. Alice, who have you in the chair?

Alice.

The pedlar woman, aunt, who has come for the things she left.

Dame.

The pedlar woman—hark'ee gossip: bring no more of your rubbish here. Take yourself off, and let me have a clear house.

Knickerbocker.

[Aside.] 'Gad, I wish I was safely cleared out of it. [Knickerbocker rises, hobbles forward; but, forgetting the shortness of the petticoats, in curtseying, is discovered by the Dame, from the exposure of his legs.

Dame.

Odds bodikins and pins! who have we here! an imposter! but you shall pay for it; this is a pedlar woman, indeed, with such lanky shanks. [She rushes up to door and, locks it—then, with a broom pursues him round; he flings bonnet in her face.

Knickerbocker.

Needs must, when the devil drives—so here goes.

He jumps through the window [which is dashed to pieces] 108 —and disappears.—Dame rushes up, with broom, towards window.—Alice laughs.

Dame.

What! laugh at his misconduct, hussey. One's just as bad as the other. All born to plague me. Get you to bed—to bed, I say. [Dame drives Alice off, and follows.

SCENE IV

Half dark.—A front wood.—The report of a gun is heard; shortly after, Rip enters, with his fowling piece.

Rip.

[Whip-poor-Will! egad, I think they'll whip poor Rip.]109—[ Takes aim at bird; it flashes in the pan.]—Another miss! Oh, curse the misses and the missusses! hang me if I can get a single shot at the sky-flyers. [Wish]110 I had one of de German guns which Knickerbocker talks so much about—one dat fires round111 corners: la! how I'd bring dem down! bring dem down! were I to wing as many daily as would fill a dearborn, Dame wouldn't be satisfied—not that she's avaricious—but den she must have something or somebody to snarl at, and I'm the unlucky dog at whom she always lets fly. Now, she got at me mit de broomstick so soon as I got back again; if I go home again, she will break my back. Tunner wasser! how sleepy I am—I can't go home, she will break my back—so I will sleep in de mountain to-night, and to-morrow I turn over a new leaf and drink no more liquor.112

Voice.

[Outside:] Rip Van Winkle.

A dead pause ensues.—Suddenly a noise like the rolling of cannonballs is heard—then a discordant shout of laughter.—Rip wakes and sits up astonished.

Rip.

What [the deuce]113 is that? [my wife] at mine elbow? Oh, no, nothing of the kind: I must have been dreaming; so I'll contrive to nap, since I'm far enough from her din. [Reclines and sleeps.114

Voice

[Outside.] Rip Van Winkle. [The laugh being repeated, Rip again awakes.115

Rip.

I can't be mistaken dis time. Plague on't, I've got among the spirits of the mountains, metinks, and haven't a drop of spirits left to keep them off.

Swaggrino.

116[Without.] Rip Van Winkle! Rip Van Winkle.

Rip.

Rip Van Winkle! that's me to a certainty.

Music.—[Swaggrino, the grotesque dwarf, enters],117 bending beneath the weight of a large cask which he bears on his shoulder.—He pauses, examines Rip, then invites him to assist him in placing the cask on the ground, which Rip complies with.

Rip.

Hang me, if he hasn't brought my heart up into my mouth: what an outlandish being, [a sea snake,]118 by dunder!

Music.—[Swaggrino,]119 pointing to the cask, [entreats] Rip's assistance in bearing it up the mountains.

Rip.

Want me to help you up mit it? Why not say so at first, my old codger? What a queer old chap, to be sure; but I can't let him toil up the mountain with such a heavy load as dat, no, no, and so, old [broad]120 chops, I'll help you.

Music.—[Dwarf]121 assists in placing cask on Rip's shoulder. A loud laugh is heard; Rip is alarmed, but [Dwarf] signs him to proceed and be of good courage—leads way up rocks. Another peal of laughter, and Rip hastily follows him.

SCENE V

Dark.—The Sleepy Hollow, in the bosom of the mountains, occupying the extreme extent of the stage—stunted trees, fragments of rock in various parts.—Moon in the horizon; the entrance to this wild recess being by an opening from the abyss in the rear of the glen.

Music.—Grotesque Dutch Figures with [enormous]122 masked heads and lofty tapering hats, discovered playing [at cards in various places—others at Dutch pins—battledores and shuttlecocks—the majority seated on a rock drinking and smoking.]123

Gauderkin.

Since on earth this only day,In fifty years we're given to stray,We'll keep it as a holiday!So brothers, let's be jolly and gay.

Icken.

But question, where's that lazy [wight,]124Who, soon as sun withdrew it's light,Was for the earth's rich beverage sent,And has such time in absence spent.

Gauderkin.

Perhaps [with some]125 misfortune he's been doomed to meet,Cross'd, no doubt, on the road by mortal feet.

Icken.

And what the punishment that you decreeOn him, who on our mysteries makes free?

Gauderkin.

Twenty years in slumber's chain,Is the fate that we ordain:Yet, if merry wight he prove,Pleasing dreams his sleep shall move.

Icken.

Our brother comes, and up the rugged steep,A mortal, see, Swaggrino's presence keep.

Omnes.

Twenty years in slumber's chain,Is the fate that we ordain.He comes! he comes! let silence reign!—Let silence reign! let silence reign!

The Spirits retire up and station themselves in motionless attitudes.

Music.—[Swaggrino]126 ascends by the opening in the rear followed by Rip, with the keg.—Rip advances on the left, and, with the assistance of his conductor, places the cask on the rock.—

The Spirits remain immovable.

Rip.

I'm a dead man, to a certainty. Into what strange company have I tumbled! crikey, what will become of me? Dear, dear! would I were home again, even though along with [Dame]127 Van Winkle.

Music.—The Figures severally advance, and stare at him, then resume their game. Swaggrino taps the cask; motions the astonished Rip to assist him in distributing its contents into various flagons; an injunction with which he complies.—Swaggrino helps his companions.

Rip.

After all, they seem a harmless set, and there can be no argument with them, for they appear to be all dumbies.—[Lord were my wife]128 as silent. They're a deadly, lively, jolly set; but I wonder what kind of spirits dese spirits are [drinking!]129 Surely, dere can be no harm in taking a drop along mit dem.—[Fills a flagon.]—Here goes!—Gentlemen, here's your [go-to-hells,]130 and your [broad chopped]131 family's, and may you all live long and prosper. [Drinks.]

Omnes.

Ha, ha, ha!

Music.—A grotesque dance ensues, during which Rip continues to supply himself from the keg.—He at length joins in the dance, and becomes so exhausted, that he reels forward and sinks in front. The dancing ceases, the Spirits utter three "ho, ho, ho's!"—[Some of them sink.]132

END OF ACT I

ACT II

SCENE I

The last of the First Act repeated; but the distance now presents a richly cultivated country.—The bramble is grown into a lofty tree, and all that remains of Rip's gun is its rusty barrel, which is at the foot of the tree.

Bird Music.—Rip discovered extended on the ground, asleep; his hair grey, and beard grown to an unusual length.—The hour of the scene is gray dawn and birds from sky and hill are chirping.133

Rip.

[Speaking in his sleep.] Mother Van Winkle! [Dame]134 Van Winkle! what are you arter? Don't be always badgering; will you never allow poor Rip a moment's quiet? Curse it! don't throw de hot water about so, you'll scald one's eyes, and so you will, and no mistake; and so you have. [He awakens in sudden emotion.] Eh! by dunder! what's all dis,—where am I—in the name of goodness where am I? [Gazing around.] On the Catskill Mountains, by all that's miraculous! Egad! my rib will play the very devil with me for stopping out all night. There will be a fine peal sounded when I get home. [Rises.]135 How confoundedly stiff and sore my joints do feel; surely I must have been sleeping for a pretty long time! Asleep! [no;]136 I was awake and enjoying myself with as jolly a rum set of codgers as ever helped to toom out a keg of Hollands. I danced, and egad, drank with them, till I was pretty blue, and dat's no mistake;—but confound it, they shouldn't have caught me napping, for 'tis plain they have taken themselves off [like an unceremonious pack of—pack of—give an eye tooth to know who they were.137 [Looking around.] Where is my gun? I left it on a little bush. [On examining he finds the rusty barrel of his gun.] Hillo! [come up, here's a grab!]138 the unmannerly set of sharpers! stolen one of the best fowling-pieces that ever made a crack; and left this [worthless,]139 rusty barrel, by way of exchange! What will Dame Van Winkle say to this! By the hookey! but she'll comb my hair finely! Now, I went to sleep beneath that hickory;—'twas a mere bush. Can I be dreaming still? Is there any one who will be [good]140 enough to tell me whether it is so or not? Be blowed if I can make head or tail [o'nt.]141 One course only now remains,—to pluck up resolution, go back to Dame Van Winkle, and by dunder! she'll soon let me know whether I'm awake or not!142

[Music.—Exit

SCENE II.143

A well-furnished apartment in the house of Knickerbocker.

Lorrenna, now a woman, enters

Lorrenna.

Alas, what a fate is mine! Left an orphan at an early age,—a relation's bounty made me rich, but, to-day, this fatal day—poverty again awaits me unless I bestow my hand without my heart! Oh, my poor father! little did you know the misery you have entailed upon your child.

Knickerbocker and Alice enter, arm in arm. They are much more corpulent than when seen in Act I and dressed in modern attire,—Alice in the extreme of former fashion.

Knickerbocker.

Decided that cause in the most judgematical like manner. White wasn't black. Saw that in a twinkling; no one disputed my argument. [Speaking as entering.] Come along, spouse! Lauks! how you do waddle up and down, side to side, like one of our butter-laden luggers in a squall, as the Dutchmen have it. Ah, Lorrenna, you here? but you appear more depressed than customary. Those saddened looks are by no means pleasing to those who would ever wish to see you cheerful. What the dickens prevents your being otherwise when all around are so anxious for your happiness!

Lorrenna.

Truly, am I beholden for your protection and ever grateful. But to place a smile on the brow whilst sorrow lingers in the bosom is a deceptive penance to the wearer—painful to those around who mark and must perceive the vizard; to say that I am happy would be inconsistent with truth. The persecutions of Herman Van Slaus—

Alice.

Ah! my dear Lorrenna, many a restless night have I had on that varlet's account, as spouse knows.

Knickerbocker.

That's as true as there's ghosts in the Catskills, as Dutchmen have it; for be darned if a single night passes that Alice suffers me to go to sleep peaceably.

Alice.

Well, well; cheer thee, my niece; there is bounteous intelligence in store; nor think there is any idle fiction in this brain, as our divine poets picture.

Knickerbocker.

There, there, Alice is getting into her romance again,—plain as my fist—she has been moonified ever since she became a subscriber for books at the new library! Planet struck, by gum, as philosophers have it, and—

Alice.

And you have said so little to the purpose, that I must now interpose. My dear Lorrenna—Gustaffe—'tis your aunt who speaks—

Knickerbocker.

There, now, pops in her word before a magistrate.

Lorrenna.

My Gustaffe! ha! say!—

Knickerbocker.

Would have told you in a brace of shakes, as gamblers have it, if she hadn't thrown the dice first. Yes, my pretty chicky—Gustaffe's vessel is now making up the Hudson; so, cheer thee! cheer thee, I say! your lover is not far off.

Lorrenna.

Gustaffe so near? blessed intelligence! Oh, the happiest wishes of my heart are gratified! But are you certain? Do not raise my hopes without cause. Are you quite certain? speak, dear aunt; are you indeed assured, Gustaffe's vessel has arrived?

Knickerbocker.

Didn't think fit to break the news too suddenly, but you have it.

Alice.

“The ship with wide-expanded canvas glides along and soon”—I forget the remainder of the quotation; but 'tis in the delectable work, “Robinson Crusoe”—soon will you hear him hail. [A knock is heard.] My stars foretell that this is either him—

Knickerbocker.

Or somebody else, as I suppose.

Enter Sophia

Sophia.

Oh, sir; Squire Knickerbocker, Herman, son of the late Derric Van Slaus, is in the hall.

Alice.

That's not the him whom I expected, at all events.

Knickerbocker.

Son of the individual whom I succeeded as burgomaster? Talk of the devil—now, I don't know how it is, but I'm always squalmish when in company of these lawyers that's of his cast. Qui Tam.

Sophia.

He wishes to be introduced. What is your pleasure?

Knickerbocker.

Let him be so, by all means. An honest man needn't fear the devil. [Exit Sophia.

Lorrenna.

Excuse my presence, uncle. To hear him repeat his claims, would but afflict a heart already agonized: and with your leave, I will withdraw. [Exit.

Knickerbocker.

Aye, aye; let me alone to manage him, as a barrister says to his client when he cross-questions a witness. See Miss Lorrenna to her chamber, Mrs. Knickerbocker. This Herman is a d–d rogue, as the English have it; and he'll go to the dominions below, as the devil will have it, and as I have had it for the last twenty years.

Alice.

And I tell you, to your comfort, if you don't send the varlet quick off with a flea in his ear, you shall have it. Yes, Squire Knickerbocker, you shall have it, be assured. So says Mrs. Knickerbocker, you shall have it. [Exit.

Knickerbocker.

Truly, I've had plenty of it from you for the last eighteen years.

Enter Herman

Herman.

Sir, I wait upon you once more. The period is now expired when my just claim, which you have so long protracted, can be vainly disputed. A vain and idle dispute of justice.

Knickerbocker.

Precious fine, indeed, sir,—but, my ward has a mighty strong reluctance to part with her fortune, and much more so to make you her partner for life. You are not exactly to her liking, nor to her in the world's generally.

Herman.

One or the other she is compelled to. You are aware, sir, that the law is on my side! the law, sir—the law, sir!

Knickerbocker.

Oh, yes! And, no doubt, every quibble that it offers will be twisted to the best purpose for your interest. You're a dabster at chicane, or you're preciously belied.

Herman.

You will not, I presume, dispute the signature of the individual who formed the contract?

Knickerbocker.

Oh, no! not dispute Rip's signature, but his error in judgement. I happened to be a cabinet councillor at the very moment my deceased relative, who was non compos mentis, at the time, clapped his pen to a writing, artfully extracted from him by your defunct father, whose memory is better forgotten than remembered.

Herman.

Sir, I came here, not to meet insult; I came hither, persuaded you would acknowledge my right, and to prevent a publicity that may be painful to both parties. You are inclined to dispute them; before a tribunal shall they be arbitrated; and, knowing my claims, Mr. Knickerbocker, know well that Lorrenna or her fortune must be mine. [Exit.

Knickerbocker.

You go to Davy Jones, as the seamen have it. Lorrenna shall never be yours, and if ever she wants a cent whilst I have one, my name isn't Knickerbocker;—damme, as the dandies have it.

Lorrenna enters, with Alice

Lorrenna.

My dear guardian, you have got rid of Herman, I perceive.

Knickerbocker.

I wish I had, with all my soul; but he sticks to his rascally undertaking like a crab to its shell; egad, there will be no dislodging him unless he's clapped into a cauldron of boiling water, as fishmongers have it.

Alice.

And boiled to rags. But, husband! husband, I say!

Knickerbocker.

Mr. Knickerbocker, my dear, if you please.

Alice.

Well, then, Mr. Knickerbocker, my dear, if you please, we have been looking out at the window to ascertain who came and went, and have discovered a fine, handsome fellow galloping towards the town, and I shouldn't at all wonder if it wasn't—

Gustaffe rushes in

Lorrenna.

[Hurries to him.] My dear, dear Gustaffe!

Gustaffe.

[Embracing her.] My tender, charming Lorrenna!

Knickerbocker.

Why, Gustaffe! Bless us! why, how the spark has grown.

Alice.

Not quite so corpulent as you, spouse.

Knickerbocker.

Spouse! Mr. Knickerbocker, if you please. Truly, wife, we have both increased somewhat in corporal, as well as temporal substance, since Gustaffe went to sea. But you know, Alice—

Alice.

Mrs. Knickerbocker, if you please.

Knickerbocker.

Well, Mrs. Knickerbocker—

Gustaffe.

Why, Knickerbocker, you have thriven well of late.