The Long Walk Back

‘Less than two minutes, I came straight here.’

‘Where’s Trevor?’ Kate screamed, racing across the dust for the entrance to the tent, ignoring the burn of the sand in her eyes from the dust her frantic feet were kicking up.

‘He’s in surgery, we had another IED casualty come in an hour ago.’

‘Shit,’ Kate said. Racing across to the Captain, she saw doctors and nurses running around. Whipping back the covers, she saw what she had feared and she sent up a curse to the almighty. His infection had taken hold with a vengeance, the discoloured skin now seeping well past Trevor’s pen line.

‘Okay, let’s run the code. Charge to 300.’ Kate grabbed the paddles, hands shaking. ‘Now guys, let’s go, his organs are failing!’

The machine bleeped its readiness. ‘Clear,’ she shouted, shocking the Captain’s chest. She checked the monitor again. ‘No output, charge to 350. Prep for amputation.’ She waited for the sound of the charge, but nothing came. The monitors continued their music, the beeping of a man circling the drain of death. ‘Move, people!’

Nurse Abby looked at Kate. ‘Kate, he refused amputation. He’s been down for three minutes, and unless we amputate, his body will continue to shut down. I think we need to call it.’

Kate stood, paddles in hand, trying to think. ‘Have you called Trevor?’

‘He’s in surgery, he can’t come.’

‘Did he sign the DNR?’ Kate asked frantically, trying to justify the decision she knew she wanted to take. ‘Did he put anything in writing?’

Abby shook her head. ‘No, but he told Trevor. We could wait for him, he’s being told right now.’

Kate looked at the man on the bed, and thought of the boy on the roof. If Cooper died, what would be the point in any of this? Would she want Jamie’s death to mean something, if her child had been on that rooftop? Life was made of split second decisions, and Kate had made enough to know that she would rather choose fast and live with the fallout. The thought of letting him die felt wrong. She just knew that the world still had plans for this soldier, even if he didn’t realise it yet. She would live with her decision,. If the Captain couldn’t deal with it, then that was his choice. He could die, just not today, and not on her watch.

‘Patients change their mind. Do you want to be responsible for a death that could have been prevented? Abby, please – charge!’ Kate looked at the nurse, feeling the sweat drip down her spine inside her scrubs. She was terrified, but she just couldn’t let him go out like this. Her mind was set. Abby looked at her and the others around them, and shaking her head, she clicked a button.

The beeping noise told Kate the unit was charged.

‘Clear!’ she shouted, shocking the Captain again. His body jerked and his eyes fluttered. She looked desperately at the monitor. Nothing. Nothing on the screen but a line, and a beep heralding the call of the end. Nothing, nothing, then a beat, beat, beat. The pixels on the screen danced across, levelling into a pattern. The prettiest pattern Dr Harper had ever seen.

‘We have him back,’ she said, putting the paddles away. ‘Gown me up,’ she ordered.

Abby looked at the other nurses, no one moving. Kate’s eyes whipped around her colleagues. ‘Did you hear me? Let’s get him under, and gown me up!’

Abby shook her head. ‘It’s against patient wishes. It’s one thing bringing him back once, but this … I can’t.’

Kate glared at her. ‘This man ran across a battle zone to save his colleagues. We can’t let him die like this. If you won’t help, then go!’ she screamed.

The staff all looked at each other, and seconds later, the bed was the centre of a whirlwind of medical professionals. ‘I need a bone saw and a ten blade, now.’

Abby nodded, running to the sterile equipment store and grappling for implements with shaky hands. Kate snipped away the bandages, another nurse prepping the surgical field, and a doctor worked on anaesthetising the Captain.

Moments later, someone passed the blade to her. She took a deep breath, looking at Cooper’s unconscious face, and made the first cut.

Please forgive me.

CHAPTER FOUR

Cooper

I dreamt I was running across the dust, bullets whizzing past my ear as I raced for shelter, my gun tight to my side. The radio was buzzing in my jacket, shouting my name. ‘Cooper, Cooper, come in.’

Around me, the crumbling buildings fell apart, destroyed by shells and the anger of men. The ground was unsafe, potholes forming before my eyes, rocks shooting up like newly erected buildings. The radio voice kept insisting I move. Keep moving, don’t stop, or you’ll be no more.

I kept running, boots clicking on stones and rubble, sinking into puddles of blood, pieces of the buildings around me laying at my head like rose petals as I literally ran for my life. The noise in the radio changed. This one was female, strong, anguished.

‘Cooper, you have to fight. Cooper, you have to live. Wake up Cooper, wake up …’

I jumped as a pain shot through my lower body. My eyes snapped open, and I realised I was in the same tent, the same bed. It had been a nightmare. I could feel the sweat dripping down my forehead, I was drenched. The bed sheets felt wet, sticky to the touch. I flexed my fingers, testing out how my body was holding up. My right hand felt heavy, and I could feel warm, soft skin against mine. I smiled despite myself, and opening my eyes, saw Kate asleep in the chair, hand wrapped around mine. I pushed away the warm fuzzies I felt at waking up again with this woman holding my hand. She wasn’t so bloody cute when she was awake. My whole body felt sluggish, achy and my legs were killing me, a dull but insistent pain running through them. I squeezed her hand, running my fingers along her wedding bands. I wonder what sort of guy had this woman’s heart. Another doctor, probably, as driven and stubborn as her. I wondered whether it was the other doctor I met. I had sensed an awkward kind of closeness between them. She squeezed my hand back, and when I looked at her, her blue eyes were looking straight into mine.

‘Morning Missy,’ I said weakly, my voice coming out as a rasp. ‘Did I oversleep?’

She didn’t acknowledge my attempt at humour, and suddenly the blood froze in my veins.

‘This is it then, yeah?’ I asked. ‘How long have I got?’

She leaned forward, the dark circles under her eyes giving her a haunted look under the dimmed strip lighting in the tent. ‘Your organs started to shut down, and your heart stopped.’

I frowned. ‘So how am I talking to you?’

Kate looked away from me, and I tried to sit up. She placed her other hand on my chest, stilling me.

‘No, please, don’t try to move.’

I looked at her again, and I knew. I reached for the sheet, and pulled it back. She said nothing, standing and helping me to pull the cover down slowly. My right leg was still bandaged up, my toes poking out of the end, but my left leg looked different. My brain seemed to short out a second, and I wiggled my toes. Wiggled them again. My brain told me that I had just wiggled ten toes, but my eyes told me different. On my left leg, where my toes should have been, there was just the expanse of the bed. My leg was bandaged, and stopped just below where my knee should be. I became aware of a high-pitched gurgle, an unholy sound, and I looked from my legs to Kate and then around the room, searching for the source of the noise.

Kate touched my face, cupping my cheeks between her hands, and turned me to face her. ‘I am so sorry, Captain. I am so sorry. You need to stay calm, your stitches are still fresh.’

It was then that I realised that the noise was coming from me, but I still couldn’t stop it. It was like my soul was ripping itself in two, and I laid back against the covers as my head swam.

Looking down at my legs again, I closed my eyes tight.

‘Put the cover back,’ I begged. Kate wrapped me up again, checking the monitor, her face a mask of stricken pain.

‘Do you need more pain relief?’ she asked softly. I nodded, and she turned to the fluid bag my IV drip was connected to.

I looked up at the ceiling, not wanting to catch sight of my broken body under the sheets.

Kate took a seat in the chair beside me, and I turned my head to look at her. Her face soothed me, and I didn’t have the strength to unpick at the whys and wherefores in that moment.

‘You were crashing, so I made a call. You didn’t make it, we had to revive you twice. I had no choice, you must know that.’

I felt as though she had slapped me. ‘You took my leg?’ I said gruffly.

I watched tears spring into her eyes, and she swallowed hard, blinking rapidly. A single tear escaped from her eye and ran down her cheek, and she wiped at it quickly, erasing the evidence.

‘Yes, I did.’

I nodded. The drugs started to kick in again, the pain in my body numbing. I didn’t try to fight the sleep that was coming, it felt like sweet oblivion was sweeping in to take me away, and I welcomed it. I whispered something, my voice giving out, and Kate leaned closer, her ear hovering over my mouth. I caught the scent of her perfume in my nostrils, and I felt a twitch in my lower body. I would have laughed at the inappropriateness of it all, but I couldn’t muster the energy.

‘What did you say?’ she asked. She went to fill a cup with water and put the straw near my mouth. I took a sip and felt the coolness of the water drifting down my throat. I tried again to spit out the words that were screaming inside my brain like a pinball in an arcade machine.

‘You should have let me die,’ I breathed, and sleep took me under.

CHAPTER FIVE

‘What the hell are you playing at, Kate?’ Trevor boomed as she entered his office. ‘The nursing staff tell me you did an unauthorised amputation on Cooper. Last I heard, he was crashing and we had instructions to let him go down. He told us we didn’t have permission to operate, but you did it anyway. Do you know how much trouble you are in?’ Trevor was pacing up and down behind his desk, Cooper’s file bouncing around in his hands as he gesticulated wildly with his arms. ‘Abby says he didn’t change his mind, but he didn’t sign the DNR either. The staff weren’t sure what to do, but you knew! We were both there when he told us his choice. Not only have you probably pissed off a decorated serviceman, but you have jeopardised your own career, and the work that we do here. Do you know what bad press can do for our operations? They could shut us down Kate, and then we can’t help our guys out here.’

Kate was unapologetic. She couldn’t regret her decision. She wouldn’t. He had to live, she couldn’t explain why this man meant so much to her, at this point in time and place. He irritated the hell out of her. He spoke to her like he was living in the fifties in a bad guys and dolls movie. He was stubborn, surly, moody. Yet she couldn’t bear to think of him just slipping away. She knew in her gut that he wasn’t done. Even if no one else could see it, and it cost her career, if she knew he made it, she knew she would never regret her decision. All or nothing.

Cooper hadn’t spoken again, he was still sleeping off the meds. She had stayed at his bedside all night, checking his vitals, and now she had a crick in her neck and a heavy weight deep in the pit of her stomach. She had watched him sleep fitfully, his temperature spiking as his body fought off the remnants of the infection. Around five that morning, he had turned the corner, his vitals stabilising. Taking his leg had saved his life, and Kate was so relieved she could cry. His words however, would haunt her for the rest of her days, and she wasn’t looking forward to facing him once he woke up. She wondered whether he would ever be thankful for what she did, given time and a new life. Hopefully she could help him get to that stage before he went home. Talk him around. Trevor must have read her thoughts, and the look he gave her told her that he was in full on professional mode.

‘You are off the case Kate, I advise you to keep a low profile. He didn’t put his wishes in writing, so when he wakes up, we will just have to see how it plays out. I will try to protect you if I can, but you need to realise just how serious this is, and how stupid you have been.’

Kate shook her head. ‘You told me to save him, I saved him. He can’t expect us to just let him die, I would rather live with one leg than die.’

Trevor stared at her, his anger evident in his expression. ‘Exactly. You would. That would be your choice, too. The fact is Kate, he is a grown man, an army man, he knew what he wanted and you listened and still chose to ignore him. It is exactly that – his life, not yours. What you would do in his shoes is irrelevant, and you know it.’ Trevor winced at his own choice of words, but said nothing. He looked tired, and Kate realised that had they not been such good friends, she would already be relieved of duty and on the next plane home.

She nodded at him, accepting his words and looking down at the floor. She turned to leave when her phone rang. Seeing her husband’s name flash up on her screen, she looked at Trevor. ‘It’s Neil.’

He waved her away. ‘I will speak to you later, but Kate, I’m disappointed. I taught you better than this.’

His words hit her like a bullet to the heart, and she flinched. She didn’t trust herself not to cry, so she kept her mouth shut, hitting the answer button on her phone.

‘What?’ She shouted down the phone. Neil’s voice sprang back just as angry. Great, now she had annoyed him. She had pushed her mood straight down his throat, when they were meant to be figuring things out. She walked towards her bed, wishing that the day was over already.

CHAPTER SIX

Abby came into the small office area off the ward, to see Kate surrounded by various charts and files.

‘He got you doing paperwork? I swear, he’s in such a rotten mood today.’ Kate smiled at her friend, standing up from her position sprawled out on the hard canvas covered floor and stretching out her aching limbs.

‘Yep, it’s my punishment, and I am afraid the bad mood is probably down to me too. I’m really sorry that I put you all in that position. It was my choice, you shouldn’t have to suffer.’

‘I get it Kate, you had the ability to save him, and you didn’t want to let him just slip away like that. I get it. Anyway, it’s done with now. He’s alive. Trevor is more pissed at you than us.’ Abby nodded to the countertop, clicking on the kettle. ‘Coffee?’

Kate looked at the desk next to her, where an assortment of dirty cups littered the surfaces. ‘Sure, one more can’t hurt. I won’t sleep anyway. You might need a mug though.’ She got to work, dumping all the crockery into the sink and washing them. She passed two mugs to Abby, who was busy munching away on a cereal bar like a starving squirrel. ‘How is he?’

Abby snorted. ‘I told you, he has a major bee in his bonnet. He’s making anyone who doesn’t look exhausted already clean everything in sight. I thought one of the soldiers was going to punch him earlier. He didn’t—’

‘No,’ Kate said, moving closer. ‘How is he?’

Abby’s eyes sparked with recognition. ‘Ooh, HIM!’ She stage whispered the rest. ‘He’s stable, but still out. He’s hopefully going to be weaned off the meds a bit tonight, we’ll see how he feels then. The operation worked though, signs of sepsis are gone.’

Kate felt her heart beat, as though it had taken a misstep. ‘Drain? Any signs of wound infection, tissue necrosis? Urine output?’

Abby took the barrage of questions in her stride. ‘Drain should be out tomorrow, no infection or necrosis. The site looks good Kate, you did a good job. Urine output is low, but he was a little dehydrated from the field anyway. We’re still pushing fluids.’

Kate ran through the knowledge in her head, looking for anything she missed. Abby tapped her on the arm.

‘Kate, you didn’t miss anything. He made it. He will make it. You did good. For what it’s worth.’

Kate didn’t hear the praise. She just thought about what it would take to get to see him before he left. She had to make him understand, even though she wasn’t entirely sure herself what her reasons were. She thought of her conversation with Neil earlier. Yet again he had called to moan about how much he had to do; the washing, Jamie, work. He was mad at her for leaving, though he never said it outright. It just hung in the air between them. He seemed different, more stressed, distracted. She had apologised, as she always did; she apologised for choosing to keep chasing her own career, quenching her own drives while the product of her womb was cared for by another. He was looked after by his own father, who helped make him, but this of course went unsaid, as usual. She often wondered what the world would look like if humans were like seahorses, and the men had to carry babies through to birth. Odds on, it would grind to a shuddering halt.

‘Has he been awake at all?’

Abby shook her head, making the coffees for them both. ‘Nope, thankfully. He needs the rest. Does his family know? I haven’t checked his file yet for contact details.’

Kate shook her head. ‘No, he has no one.’

Abby pursed her lips. ‘Jesus. Well, he had someone to fight for him. If it means anything, I think you were right. I’m sorry I got in your way. You have some balls, Kate Harper.’

Kate took a sip of her own drink, feeling the jolt of caffeine top up her already wired body.

‘Thanks,’ she said, heading back over to the piles of paper she still had to wade through. ‘I hope they both see it that way, eventually.’

Abby went to head out, but Kate’s voice stopped her.

‘Abs, if you get an opportunity, I’d like to see him … if you could turn a blind eye.’

Abby spoke without turning around. ‘Keep your phone on. I’ll text you when the coast is clear, but if he catches you, I wasn’t part of it and I absolutely oppose your decision. I need the reference.’ Kate saluted her.

‘Ten four. I get it, no warpath for Abby. Appreciate it, thanks.’

Abby gave her a fake cheesy grin. ‘Right, time to pretend I am very happy to be working with him today, and everything is sunshine and rainbows!’ She waggled her phone at Kate, before thrusting it back into her zip pocket. ‘Phone.’

Kate nodded and Abby left, leaving her alone with the piles and piles of charting and silent recriminations of her actions and words of the last few days.

***

Kate was back in her bunk, sleeping off the exhaustion and taut limbs that a day full of paperwork and reasoning with Neil in her head had brought on when her phone beeped. She jerked awake, reaching for the handset. Abby had messaged an emoji of a pair of eyes, with the words COAST CLEAR. Kate deleted the text quickly, and sprang from her bed. She shoved a clean pair of scrubs on, dressing quickly and quietly as others slept and relaxed around her. She turned her phone to silent, not wanting it to go off while she was in the medical tent. It was late, and the patients would be sleeping. She entered the tent, and thankfully there was only Abby there. Abby had her back to her, bent over her desk, but she waved her hand towards Cooper’s bed. Plausible deniability. The girl was smart. Kate took a breath and looked around. There were only three patients in the beds, the others having been patched up or medevac’d home. Kate walked over to the Captain’s bed, looking to see if he too was asleep. She neared the foot of the bed, and he turned his head to face her. He had been awake, seemingly staring at the wall. Kate felt a jolt as he looked straight into her eyes. He looked pale and exhausted, his jaw set like a block of stone. The green of his eyes weren’t diminished though, and she had a flashback to the day he came in. The look in them was very different today. There was nothing in them but hate, reflected straight back at her.

Kate stopped walking, looking across at the chair at the side of the bed.

‘Do you mind if I sit?’

He didn’t say anything at first, he just looked at her with those green eyes. He was acting like he was chewing his tongue. She wondered if he was suffering. She took a step closer to the chair.

‘I’m sorry, are you in pain?’ She went to reach for his chart. ‘I can ask Abby to give you some pain relief, I just need to check—’

‘Don’t touch my chart. I don’t want you anywhere near me.’ Kate’s hand stilled.

‘I understand you’re upset, but I just came to check on you.’

He chuckled under his breath. ‘Check you haven’t got a dead man on your hands you mean. You might still have, so I hope you kept my leg. I would like to be buried whole.’

‘Captain, I—’

‘—am not interested in anything you have to say, Doc. I will be suing you for not following my orders. I never asked you to save me. In fact, I pretty much insisted that you do the opposite.’

Kate noticed that Abby had stood up and was making her way over, a panicked look on her face.

‘Kate,’ she whispered. ‘Everything okay?’

Cooper growled. ‘Great, sure. She was just trying to save her rich bloke some money on lawsuits.’

Kate turned back to look at him, and she felt her guilt and worry turn to rage.

‘My rich bloke?’ Abby reached for her arm, but she shrugged her off. ‘I earn more than my husband ever has, and I’m not some pathetic woman that you can shout down with your big scary temper and your macho muscles.’

His lip twitched, but his face turned back to anger quickly. ‘You’re a doctor; you do what the patient says.’

‘Exactly, I’m a doctor, I took an oath to save lives. I could save you, so I did!’

‘I never asked you to!’ This was boomed out, and Cooper started coughing. His monitor beeped faster. Abby rushed to his bedside, helping him to sit up a little.

‘Kate, you need to go. Now.’ Kate looked at them both, Cooper still coughing and wincing in pain, and turned on her heel. She didn’t stop till she was back in her bunk, which was when the tears started to flow.

The next day, Kate was on desk duties again, but she and Trevor both knew that it couldn’t last. There were too many things to do, they were too busy to be able to afford a doctor not seeing to the patients. It was thankfully quiet, but the other doctors would be feeling the strain soon.

She decided that she would have one last talk with Captain Cooper, try to make him see that what she did was for the right reasons. She should be worried about her career, the lawsuit, but she knew it was more his state of mind that bothered her. She just wanted to make him see that his life was worth saving, and that he could still have a life. It wasn’t the end. She knew from her job that people coped, and adapted. He could too. Anyone who would be brave enough to walk into battle and be responsible for the people under his command must surely see the preciousness of life, and the necessity to survive. She was just standing up to go to the medical bay when her phone rang. She pulled it out of her pocket and pulled a face, walking into the corridor. Trevor was coming her way, and her gut clenched. Everyone had a bone to pick with Kate today.

‘Neil, it’s not a good time. Is everything okay?’

She winced as she heard the sound of sirens and machinery in her ear, and her husband’s panicked voice stopped her in her tracks.

‘Kate, Kate, don’t hang up! It’s Jamie, th-there’s been an accident. It’s bad Kate, I am so sorry.’ Neil started to cry down the phone, a wet whimpering sound. She cupped the phone to her ear, her legs falling out from under her. Trevor, aware something was wrong, appeared at her side, lowering her to the tent floor.

‘Kate,’ he said in a tone of voice she had never heard from him before. ‘Kate, what’s wrong?’

She willed her mouth to open, to form words, but all that came out was a whispered ‘Jamie?’

Trevor took the phone from her, and she let him, her arm flopping to her lap.

‘Neil, it’s Trevor. What’s happened?’

Kate looked up at Trevor, trying to decipher the news from his face. Trevor went pale, and she whimpered. ‘Jamie, my poor Jamie, no, no, no …’