The Long Walk Back

She turned down the stove and moved to face him, resting her back against the kitchen worktop. The room was dimly lit, the side bulbs under the units giving off a glow to light up the room. One of Jamie’s school projects lay on the table, drying papier-mâché planets, laid on old newspaper, ready to paint. Looking at her husband, Kate noticed the fine lines around his eyes, the crinkles on his forehead. When they had first got together, she had never imagined that it would end up like this.

They had only been on a few dates, and Kate was getting ready to break it off, realising that their relationship wasn’t lighting the spark she had expected to feel. Then she was late. Four weeks late on her normally regular cycle, and she just knew. A few weeks before, determined to give her suitor a good opportunity to bowl her over, she had suggested a night on the town. It had gone quite well too, but Kate had drunk a lot that night, determined to silence the voice inside her that told her that this guy was not the one for her. Everyone deserved a chance. The next morning, she had woken up with a thick head, a heavy heart and a sleeping naked Neil beside her. She was the original cliché, knocked up after one night together. That definitely hadn’t been part of her plans, especially as she had just secured her dream job as an orthopaedic surgeon at the local hospital in Leeds. Whether she liked it or not, she’d have to juggle a baby and her career, and a lukewarm dating partner who had just been cemented into her life. Abortion wasn’t an option for Kate; she had no problem with people having a choice, but her choice was to keep the baby, no matter how inconvenient the timing was. So they’d got married. Neil had been delighted, never sharing her worries or misgivings. Being from a large family, he saw this as the way life was supposed to be; meet someone, get married, have a baby. By the time Jamie came along, they had bought a house together and settled down into the rut that was their married life. And a rut it was for Kate. In many ways, she loved being with him. He was a good father, he loved her, they got on, but the thunderbolt was never there for her. She knew it was for him, he told her how he felt all the time.

Surgeons have a reputation for being rather cold, clinical people. Top-of-their-field surgeons are pretty much left alone. They cut and save lives, they don’t get emotionally invested in their patients. Neil saw how Kate was with her work, and took it as an extension of her. It wasn’t a reflection on their marriage, their child, their life together. As time went on, they settled into each other’s lives, forging one of their own. Kate knew that her love for Jamie was one of the things Neil adored most about her. There she came alive for him, and shed the surgeon skin. And in the beginning, that was enough for him.

Kate adored her child from day one. Even looking at Jamie now, she was hit by a sucker punch of emotion, a protective instinct that she’d never known she had. Jamie was her world, and now Neil was using that to sling mud at her from across the room. Looking at him now, she wondered how many of those lines and wrinkles had been caused by her over the years. He seemed to age before her eyes, and she considered what another woman might have seen when looking at him. Maybe she would have loved him more. He could have been someone’s first choice. Did he know now, that he wasn’t hers?

‘Are you going to answer me? I’m not one of your lackies, Kate!’

Kate’s head whipped round, her levels of fury rising. He had a chip on his shoulder about her job, and it was raising its ugly green head more and more these days.

‘Don’t talk to me like that Neil! Of course I don’t want to leave Jamie, but Trevor asked me to help. It’s a short term placement, the learning opportunities would be amazing, and I can really help people over there!’

Neil snorted. ‘Oh yes, you get to swoop in with your superhero cape, save some soldiers, whilst I stay home, play nanny and then hear nothing but how great you are from everyone we know. Your mother thinks I’m a joke!’

Kate shook her head, shooting daggers at him from across the room. My mother says no such thing, that’s all in your own head for god’s sake, and you’ll hardly be a nanny. Jamie’s at school full-time, and he’s no bother. Besides, you are his father! And please keep your voice down, that son you care so much about is upstairs asleep. ‘

Neil grabbed his keys from the sideboard and stormed across the kitchen.

‘Where are you going now? I made dinner!’ Kate said to his retreating form.

‘Well, plate it up, supergirl!’ he said sarcastically, and the front door slammed shut. Kate turned off the heat, and picking up the pan, tipped the contents straight into the kitchen bin. She filled the pan with water and left it in the sink. Heading to the fridge, she picked out the bottle of chardonnay she had left in there and poured herself a stiff glass. It tasted tart on her tongue, and followed up with a gentle lick at her tensed up muscles.

‘Mum?’ Whirling around, Kate saw her son Jamie stood there, hair all messy tufts, clad in his favourite onesie. Putting the glass down, she walked over to her child.

‘You should be in bed sweetheart,’ she chided.

‘Was that dad slamming the door? What’s wrong?’ he asked, his brow furrowed.

‘He didn’t mean to, darling. Nothing’s wrong, he just forgot something at work.’

Jamie nodded, his wide eyes looking at her in question. Kate gave him a squeeze.

‘Come on, don’t worry. Everything’s fine, let’s get you a glass of milk and back to bed.’

Once Jamie was sleeping again, Kate tidied away the rest of the dinner things and poured herself another glass of wine. It was after eleven, and Neil still hadn’t come home or phoned. His sulks could take a while, and he had even taken to sleeping at the office some nights, or on a pub mate’s couch. Picking up her mobile phone, she dialled his number. It rang and rang; she was about to hang up when he answered.

‘What?’ He said flatly. ‘If it’s not about Jamie, I’m not in the mood to talk.’

‘What happened to us, Neil?’ She asked, her voice small, sounding needy in her own ears. ‘We used to get on so well.’

A sigh came down the line. ‘Get on? That’s the problem, Kate. You always make us sound like friends. You don’t need me, do you?’

‘Of course I do,’ she replied, frowning at his question. ‘We both need you.’

‘No, that’s not what I mean. We have a life together, but you’ve never really needed me, have you? Wanted me even? Tell me, if something bad happened, who would you ring first?’

‘You,’ she said. ‘You’re my husband, of course it would be you.’

‘Really? Because I think if you’re honest with yourself, I would be somewhere on the list, but not the top. If I dropped out of your life, you wouldn’t suffer, would you?’

‘Are you leaving me, is that what you’re saying?’

‘No!’ The voice barked back, angry. ‘You’re still not listening Kate! You never hear me! I’m not leaving. You are though, you’re constantly leaving. You dip in and out of my life like a side show. We’re married Kate, that means something to me.’

‘I come home every night Neil, if I’m not working. You knew the job I did when we met. It’s demanding, but I’m still your wife.’

Neil sighed, a slow desperate sounding sigh.

‘No one’s perfect Kate, god knows I’m not. I regret a lot of things. If you want to go on the trip, go. I can’t stop you, I won’t. I just want you to remember this conversation. Think about it when you’re gone. I need you to get this Kate. You can’t keep living like this. We can’t. I’ll be home in the morning to take Jamie to school.’

‘Neil, don’t go, we need to sort this out!’ She begged, suddenly afraid of his detached demeanour. ‘You sound like you’re giving up.’

‘I’m not Kate, I’m not at all. You want to go, fine. I’ll look after things here, but just don’t forget that we need to work on us, too. Sooner rather than later. Things change Kate. Some things can’t be undone, and I’m sorry for that. I’ll see you tomorrow.’

Kate was about to ask what couldn’t be changed when the line went dead. Did he mean them, their marriage couldn’t be saved? What should she do now? If she left, would he be here when she got back? Would she want him to be?

She looked around their home, at the schedules and pictures on the fridge. The photos on the walls, the lines drawn on the door frame that marked the journey of Jamie’s growth. She knew one thing, whatever was going on with her and Neil, she had to be true to herself. Jamie was her priority, but she had to like herself as a person too. She knew what that meant. She knew that this choice was important, but she was used to making split second decisions and living with the consequences. Once she chose, she saw it through. Just like her marriage. Fight or flight. She didn’t run, she faced things head on. What Neil did with her decision was up to him.

She took a large calming sip of the wine and scrolled through her contacts before hitting dial. A familiar voice picked up the other line.

‘Kate! Hey stranger, given it some thought?’ Trevor said into her ear.

Kate smiled at her mentor’s upbeat and hopeful voice. ‘Yep, and I’m all in.’

CHAPTER THREE

Cooper

My throat felt like dry fire. I attempted a cough, but nothing came out, and I felt my heart race. I tried to lift up my head, but it felt as though it was stuck to the pillow. Raising my hand to touch my face, I felt a tug of pain. Looking at the back of my hand, I saw a butterfly drip stuck into it. Trying to focus my eyes, which felt like they had been taken out and dipped in sand, I saw a dim light in the corner of the room. I felt a warm presence on my other hand, and looked to see what was laid across it. My whole body felt fuzzy, with a dim undertone of throbbing pain. My hand, still resting on the bed, looked unnatural, and I realised that the extra fingers didn’t belong to me. I squeezed gently, which was an achievement in itself. The fingers wrapped around mine squeezed back. My gritty eyes followed the fingers up the arm, and I realised a woman was asleep in the chair next to me. Even in sleep, she looked exhausted, pale blue scrubs encasing her lithe body. The hand holding mine had a wedding ring on it I noticed, and I felt a little pang of unexplained disappointment. Pushing the thought away, I tried to make my eyes focus on her again. She was pretty, little snuffles coming from her as she slept deeply. She had squeezed my hand back in reflex, unconsciously in sleep. I wanted to move my hand away, embarrassed by the contact, but I didn’t move.

Looking around, I saw everyone was asleep, except for a couple of nurses milling around the area. It was then that I noticed what was missing: the noise. There was no gunfire, no explosions. All I could hear were the sounds of nature outside the tent. I think that this was more unnerving than being woken by the sounds of war, and I kept my ears open for any sound of impending danger. I felt so groggy, and my legs were numb. Trying to lift my head again, I pushed through the pain to look down at my body. Lifting the covers laid over me, I saw that I was naked. They must have cut my clothes off. I glanced across at the doctor in the chair. Had she seen me naked? I almost laughed out loud. The first time a woman had seen my dick in years, and I was unconscious and bleeding at the time. Very sexy. Go figure.

Pushing down the covers again, being careful not to move my hand from hers, I looked down at my legs. I half-expected to see two stumps, but there they were, although one of them looked like it was in a real mess, the whole thing encased in bandages. The shape was off, like someone had shaved off some ribbons of flesh. I still had two legs, that was a good start. My torso was bandaged too, with a tube coming out of one side. Probably a drain, I realised. I had seen enough injured buddies to realise that a bomb blast ripped through your body like a hurricane, tearing organs, snapping bones, taking the very soul from a man. I was still here, so I would take it from there.

‘Morning, Captain,’ a soft voice said, thick with sleep. I lowered the covers quickly, aware that I had probably just been flashing the crown jewels.

I looked across at her. She was stretching in the chair, hand still on mine, rubbing the sleep from her pretty almond eyes. ‘I didn’t see a thing, don’t worry. How are you feeling?’

I cut her off before she could go into full bedside manner mode. ‘My unit?’

Her face fell. ‘The man you were carrying, he didn’t make it. I’m s—’

I raised my drip hand at her. ‘I know, what about the others?’

She smiled a little then, relieved to have been asked another question. ‘They are all out, safe and sound.’

I nodded, a wave of relief coursing over me. Then I remembered something.

‘There was a boy, on the roof.’ My voice pushed out the words in a croak. She pressed her lips together, and I saw a flash of distress cross her features.

‘I’m sorry, they sent in a unit to check, but no one on the roof survived.’ I thought of Hightower, and what that must be doing to him. To kill a child in the line of duty could never and would never feel right. I hated that we were ever put in that position.

‘Hightower okay?’ Kate looked confused, and I shook my head in frustration. ‘Never mind, forget it. When can I get back to duty?’

Her face fell, and she looked down at our hands. I pulled mine away then, and she let it go without a fight.

‘Dr Trevor Tanner is going to come and talk to you soon, on his rounds.’

I grunted in annoyance. ‘I’m not some idiot, missy. I just want to know when.’

She raised her chin at me then, her face hardening a little. ‘First of all, I’m not “missy”, I’m Dr Kate Harper. I am an orthopaedic surgeon attached to your unit and several others, and as I said Dr Tanner, my superior, is going to come and speak to you on rounds …’ She checked her watch. ‘… Which started half an hour ago. I need to go, I’ll come and check on you soon.’

She stood up and strode off haughtily. I laughed at her swagger. This one was a real ball buster, I could tell.

‘Okay, Missy,’ I shouted after her, chuckling. ‘Don’t get your knickers in a twist.’

I sniggered again as she made a ‘humpf’ sound, her nose pointing at the air furiously as she sped up her stomp. My whole body screamed at me for laughing, but it was so worth it.

That was the day we came into each other’s lives.

***

Kate was in a real mood; Trevor could tell from the way she pounded across the tent to him. He was doing his rounds, and they had had a good night. A good night here was when they still had the same number alive as the day before. A great day was when there were no casualties at all, but Trevor was hard pushed to remember many days like that.

‘Who’s upset you? Neil whingeing about doing the dishwasher again, is he?’ Trevor asked, and immediately regretted cracking the joke when the icicles from Kate’s frosty glare jabbed him in the chest.

‘Captain Cooper thinks he is hilarious. I’m just waiting for him to call me ‘toots’ and slap me on the behind,’ Kate said, seething. Trevor checked the vitals on his sleeping patient, and satisfied, made notes on his chart.

‘So he’s awake? That’s amazing! How is he doing?’

‘Oh he’s doing just fine, for a male chauvinist pig.’

Kate,’ Trevor admonished, trying not to laugh at her furious expression. ‘How are his vitals?’

Kate pursed her lips, taking a breath to focus on the job. ‘He’s stable, the chest drain is working well. I’m still concerned about his leg though. He has limited blood flow to the area, and I’ m worried about sepsis.’

Trevor nodded sadly. ‘So he will probably lose the leg, if we try to keep him alive.’ He rubbed at his temples. ‘Not told him any of this, have you?’

Kate shook her head. ‘I told him you would explain on this morning’s ward round. I wanted to go through everything again, monitor him closely for as long as we safely can before we make a decision.’

Trevor looked at her, his face unreadable. ‘It may not be our decision, it’s up to him.’

Kate looked nonplussed. ‘The evac chopper is coming in two days. At present, he’s too unstable to move. We need to get him home then, leg or no leg. A decision between losing a limb and dying is not a great thing to have thrust at you, granted - but he wants to live, surely?’

Trevor placed the chart at the foot of the bed and started to walk towards the next patient, issuing medication instructions to the nurse as he walked.

‘Kate,’ he began in a tone he might have used to tell his child that Father Christmas wasn’t real. ‘I have worked on men like Captain Cooper since this whole nightmare started. These are army men to the core. Sometimes going home means no family, no buddies, no job, and a lifetime of relying on other people. They are proud, and sometimes, to them, the reality is worse than death. Don’t take anything for granted when it comes to patient wishes.’

‘A boy died yesterday, to save these men. Surely that’s reason enough to want to live?’

Kate ran her fingers through her hair, suddenly feeling tired all over again.

‘Cooper knows that. Better than most, probably. It’s still his decision, he has to live with it. Understood?’ Trevor spoke firmly now.

Kate opened her mouth to argue, but she thought better of it. She respected her mentor, always had, and she didn’t want to argue. Not when the fact that life was so short and precious was evident in every face, every feature she saw over here. ‘Understood.’

‘So what you’re saying doc, is that I’m screwed.’ Captain Cooper was sat up in bed now, the drain poking out from his side. The internal bleeding had been dealt with, his chest now free from shrapnel. All his organs were intact, and the tears in his body had been sewn up, the bleeding stopped.

Trevor pulled a chair across to sit near his bedside. ‘Your left leg is bad, Captain. You’re starting to show signs of infection, and we feel that a below knee amputation is needed. Your chest injuries will take substantial time to heal, and your right leg has been injured by shrapnel from the bomb too. Returning to your unit is out of the question, at least for now. You have a place on the chopper, but the next few hours will decide whether you are fit enough to make the journey back to the UK.’

Captain Cooper sat motionless in the bed, his mind obviously working overtime as he processed the information. Kate stood behind Trevor, watching Cooper with interest. She couldn’t imagine having to make a decision like this, but she knew what her answer would be.

‘And when do you need an answer?’ Cooper said flatly, not looking at Trevor, but directly at Kate. She blushed under his intent gaze, and felt pathetic that her body responded to the pull of attraction at such a time. Trevor pulled a marker pen out of his top pocket, and lifting the covers, made a mark on the area of skin just poking out from the top of the bandages.

‘We need to monitor you. This will tell us if the antibiotics are working – we need to watch out for any colour changes above this line on your leg. We have to make a decision tonight, and I would highly recommend that you have the surgery Captain, and be on that chopper when it leaves.’

Kate looked away from the Captain’s face, feeling his gaze on her again. She didn’t trust her own face not to betray her emotions. A deep voice broke the silence of the machines beeping in the room.

‘I withhold consent.’

Kate snapped her head towards the voice. Cooper looked determined, resigned to his decision and angry, as though he was daring them to challenge him. Her heart sank.

‘Captain, you do realise that—’

‘Yes, Missy. I realise what I am saying, and I withhold consent. You can’t take my leg.’

‘You have to live, you can live without a leg. With modern-day medical advances, you can still live a good life. It’s not over for you.’

‘I withhold consent. You can keep your medical advances.’

Kate opened her mouth to argue, moving closer to the bed, but Trevor stood up to stop her.

‘Captain, that is your decision, but let’s see what happens over the next few hours, okay? Think it over, we realise it’s a huge decision to make.’

The Captain snorted. ‘No shit, doc. I won’t change my mind.’

Trevor nodded, an almost imperceptive movement. ‘Kate, keep me updated.’ He left the area to tend to other patients.

‘Trevor,’ she called back to her boss, a little too sharply. Trevor never even turned around, just kept walking. Kate could tell he wasn’t happy with this, but was going along with it.

‘You heard the patient, Doctor,’ he said without turning around, all business. She knew he would be tormented inside, but now wasn’t the time for keeping opinions to himself.

‘Captain, you are making the wrong choice.’ Kate turned back to her patient nervously, aware that she shouldn’t be speaking this way to a patient. ‘You have to fight, you have to be strong. You need to fight and stay alive.’

The Captain looked at her again, and she felt a flush creep across her skin as his eyes ran over her body. For a nude man, he had the undressing people with your eyes thing nailed. She was the one who felt naked, exposed in front of him.

‘I know you don’t get it Missy, but this is my life. Without it, there’s not much to stay alive for.’

‘How can you say that?’ Kate said, stunned. ‘It’s a job, not your life. It’s what you do, not who you are. You have a chance to keep living, you should take it. Now.’

Cooper crossed his arms gently, his pale face wincing at the pain of his movements. He was looking sicker and sicker as time passed, and she knew he must feel it.

‘So you’re here for what, a paycheck? That bauble on your finger not float your boat enough? No kiddies to pop out at home, no dinner to make, slippers to fetch? The boy on that roof never even got to grow up. I know about life doc, and I choose not to live with one freakin’ leg.’

Kate’s hand made a fist, and she felt the engagement ring that Neil had given her dig into her palm. ‘How dare you! Being a wife isn’t a job, and you don’t know anything about my life! It’s just a leg, you can survive this! Otherwise, what’s the point?’

‘No!’ Cooper boomed. ‘There is no point! And you don’t know anything about my life either! You see a wedding band, eh Missy? Tell me, if you couldn’t be a doctor, what would you do? How would you spend your life?’

Kate’s mind flashed to an image of Jamie, at home with Neil, the man she had flown to a warzone to get some space from, and she closed her mouth, tensing her jaw.

‘My life is here, I have no plan B!’ Cooper said, slamming his hand into his chest as hard as he could. He coughed violently, gasping audibly at the pain it caused. She went to help instinctively, but he waved her away.

Kate stood there, her body erect, as the pair glared at each other. She thought of his wallet, bearing no pictures of home or family, and wondered if there would be anyone flying a banner for the Captain when he touched down on the tarmac. She pushed the thought away, taking a breath.

‘Maybe if you weren’t such a stubborn jackass, you would think about this some more. The clock is ticking, Captain. Your time’s not up yet.’

He relaxed a little then, offering her a cheeky half-smile as he rested back against his pillows.

‘Jackass eh? Well maybe if you took that stick out of your arse, we could have more cosy chats. I need to sleep now Missy, so do me a favour; leave me alone, okay? Go plump someone else’s pillows.’

Kate scowled at him, her whole body seething at the sound of his nickname for her.

‘With pleasure, Captain Jackass,’ she said, and she walked away, ignoring his lethargic chuckle at her retreating form.

Kate was sleeping in her cot when she was shaken awake by a frantic nurse. ‘Dr Harper, Cooper is crashing.’ Kate jumped from her bed, still fully dressed in her scrubs and raced to the tent with the nurse hot on her heels. ‘How long has he been down?’ she shouted over her shoulder.