Don’t Say a Word

Nothing doing. I am not the centre of the universe. The websites don’t, in fact, contain any headlines pertinent to me, or anything about Chloe. Which is good, right?

I still gag on my tuna sandwiches, though. What was I thinking when I chose these?

See, Jen, this is the real-world impact of your crazy single mum paranoia. Dodgy lunch and fishy breath. Josh is going to love that kiss on the cheek later.

I chuck the sandwich, half-eaten, in the bin, and minimize the websites. Time to be intellectually curious about the work I’m actually meant to do. That’s how I got the job. ‘She’s bright,’ Bill was told. Which is basically code for ‘She knows fuck all, but she’s had a tough time, and she can string a sentence together, so cut her some slack.’

She knows nowt, not ‘fuck all.’ Cut the swearing, even in your mind, Jen – what you don’t think, you won’t say; give the game away. Crap, but ‘nowt’s’ wrong too. Too Yorkshire. ‘She knows nothing.’ Finally.

Except I do. I know stuff. I know more stuff about their fucking legal system, the wrong side of it, than all the ones who’ve grown up in suits. The stuff you can’t learn from books. So don’t put me on fucking conveyancing files … Christ, what a waste. Yeah, I looked at property law in my diploma but, I’m sorry, it’s puddle dull, and anyone with a printer, some coloured pens, and the one brain cell you need to fill out a form can do it. Yes, that means you, Lucy.

For those of us with a bit of life experience – family and criminal law. They’re what make sense. They’re what matter. If you’re working for the defence of course. Or the mothers. Some of them are fucking toerags. But I tell you – nine times out of ten they are not as bad as the fathers.

Unless the crack’s got them. Or worse, heroin.

But anyway, it’s better than some rich twat who’s got sick of one house and wants another one, just down the road.

Not stuck in a flat spitting distance from Marsh Farm estate with no real hope of moving away from the spectre of your son getting caught up in the same type of gang that got us there in the first place. Whether they’re boys or men or desexed junkies they’re all the same, wherever you go. And they beat their women. No fucking doubt. And no one gives a shit.

So. Yeah. Maybe with Tim’s case I can help someone.

I can’t fill in this form so angry. I’ll do voicemail instead. I stick the Bluetooth headset on and tap some buttons.

Yes, there’s Lucy, from earlier: ‘Oh, my form, oh it’s so urgent – oh, oh, oh.’

Delete.

Another one. Bill. OK. Take that one more seriously. Wants me to come with him to a meeting at 3 p.m. to make a note. My stomach tightens slightly. Then it relaxes – Bill says he knows it’s close to school pick-up time, but he promises it will be short. Lovely Bill. I’m lucky to have a boss like him. I sit up straighter in my chair. This is what it’s about, Jen. Not Lucy. It’s about doing well for Bill, and getting out on time for Josh. So behave.

Next new message.

Oh. Wow. Now that’s something I didn’t expect.

Daniel.

‘Hey … Jen. Um, yeah I was hoping not to get voicemail … So Tim tells me you’re working on this case. Give me a call. I’m around, unless the clerks chuck a bail hearing at me last minute. Would be good to speak. OK, well, hopefully chat later. Bye.’

You wouldn’t think this guy earns his money from standing on his feet, wooing judges. Was that a hint of a stutter?

I replay the message. Obviously just to check for stuttering. Not because I want to check his voice again or analyse the tone.

Oh, lovely Daniel. I can picture him now. In fact yes, I can – I pull up his profile shot on his chambers’ website.

He’s younger then – when he first got called to the bar, I bet. Clean-shaven still, not yet the confident permissive stubble of a man who’s made it. No empathy lines round the eyes yet, or mouth. But all the good signs in that smile and frank gaze that they will appear. Brown hair that is just brown – no coppers or goldens or anything fancy like that. Not a posh twat, Daniel. Lawyerly, yes. Decent, polite, yes. Well spoken, true – doesn’t drop the ‘t’ in Luton. But he went to his local comp like the rest of us. He mentions that, on the site. No names, but we get the message: normality. Not some private-school tosser.

But why is he calling? The case, yes, but I haven’t even had a briefing from Tim yet.

Could it be personal?

I should call him. Or is that going to be too awkward? Damn it. Bloody Tim not telling me more about the case – or I could fall back on that. Maybe I should wait until I’ve spoken to Tim?

But it would be good, wouldn’t it, after the window scare of lunchtime to hear a safe voice. An almost-friend voice? The voice of someone to whom I came very close to disclosing some of my shit. Too close. I had to rein it back.

I listen to the message again, then hit ‘call this sender’ before I can rethink it.

‘Earl Court Chambers?’ says a voice.

Oh. Of course. The clerks, not a direct dial.

‘Hi. It’s Jen Sutton from Rotham Wyatt. Is Daniel Farley around?’

‘Jen, good to hear from you. Dan’s been missing you!’

Oh good, so there’s clerks’ room gossip about us. Over nothing. How nice.

‘Ha, yes, well, the feeling’s mutual.’ Can’t explain it’s because of the case, I guess, if it’s so secret.

‘Let me put you through to Dan.’

There’s a silence, out of which emerges some Mozarty stuff. Then a voice.

‘Jen, hi!’

‘Hi, Daniel.’

Silence.

‘So I got your –’

‘I left you a –’

Over-keen laughter as we each start then stop sentences simultaneously. I can see that happening for the whole phone call.

‘You go,’ I tell Daniel. ‘You know why you were calling.’

‘Sure, fine,’ he says. He doesn’t sound fine. He sounds strangled, choked. Then he lets a bit of breath out. ‘Listen, Jen – I just wanted to say, really looking forward to working with you again. I know there was a bit of …’

He stumbles. I catch him.

‘Stuff?’ I say.

‘OK, yeah. Stuff. There was a bit of “stuff” last time but don’t worry about it, OK. I’m genuinely looking forward to working with you again.’

Me too, I think. But I don’t fill the silence, in case there are more words to come.

More silence.

‘OK, well anyway,’ he continues, ‘this case looks like a really intense one. I don’t know if you’ve seen the exhibits file yet. It’s –’

‘I’m looking forward to working with you, too, Daniel.’

There’s another pause. A baby pause.

‘Thanks, Jen.’ His voice is softer now. Less manic. ‘I’m glad.’

‘We’ll speak soon, OK? On the case.’

‘Yes, on the case.’

I want to say: ‘And on more “stuff” too.’ But I don’t.

‘Bye, then,’ I say instead.

‘Bye.’

We hang up.

I take a deep breath and close my eyes. It’s times like this I wish it wasn’t so tricky being me. That I could simply have ended the call by suggesting a drink. It’s not just the childcare angle. It’s the caring for my child. The guard goes down slowly, slowly, slowly. Otherwise how do you know who you can trust?

Chapter 5

‘This is for you.’

With a thud, something lands on my desk.

I look up. A file. The cover is blank. Above the file, Tim.

This must be what Daniel was talking about.

I open the file up, and just get to see a sheet saying ‘The Crown v Rhea Stevens. Exhibits’, before Tim closes the cover again.

‘Have a flick through this,’ Tim tells me, his voice quiet, low. There’s no one around my desk (he’s chosen his moment well, if he’s that fussed about secrecy) but he’s still cautious. ‘Good to go in cold, before I’ve given you the background. Then when we chat you can tell me what you make of it. What you think it’s best to do. I’d really value your opinion – fresh pair of eyes, and all that.’

‘Sure, thanks,’ I say. I stroke the cover. Daniel is reading this too.

Snap out if it, you daft girl. You’ve not even kissed him; you can’t go soppy for him. Focus on the professional side. Someone giving a damn about my opinion for a change, not just looking at me with a sad face like Bill – give the girl a chance, but no proper work.

‘Watch out for the photo at page 5,’ he mutters. ‘It’s a shocker. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.’

He walks off.

I can’t not open the file now.

And there it is. Straight away.

The old world.

A single wrap of cocaine on a dusty floor.

I slam the file shut.

I close my eyes.

I try to dispel the image.

But I can’t. Because that’s all it took, that time. Well, almost all. That and another nineteen wraps like it.

And the promise of more.

I need some, oh what do I need – air. That’s it. Some air.

I push back my chair and head for the door.

I walk straight into Bill.

‘Oh, good. You’re ready for the meeting,’ he says.

Meeting? Oh. Of course. Note-taking. I dart back to my desk and grab my notebook.

‘Forgot this!’ I say, holding up my notebook. ‘Silly!’

I don’t think I can manage any more words without cracking in two.

Bill looks at me closely.

‘You all right, Jen? You’re a little pale.’

‘New face powder,’ I say. An old line, like they used to use. When it wasn’t the wraps.

‘Ah, fine – well, maybe back to the old one, hey? Golden Jen works best!’ He does an embarrassed laugh. Maybe he thinks I’m going to start talking about feminine hygiene products next.

We go into the meeting room. I slip into a seat next to Bill. He is nice and big and comforting. Like a dad. Not my dad, obviously. Even when he was alive. But Mr Typical Dad. A sturdy shoulder to cry on. To fly you up into the air in his strong arms and make you feel like you can defy gravity.

Perhaps I should just tell him. Perhaps I should have a quiet word and say: look, I can’t get involved in Tim’s case. I don’t know what it’s about but I looked at one picture and now it’s all I can do to stop my brain flashing back there. Back to her. Back to him.

But then, even Bill wouldn’t understand the reaction to that single wrap. Nobody could. Except me and my conscience. Not that I did anything wrong. You’d have done the same in my situation. Or at least, you should have done, if you didn’t want to end up dead.

So, no. We don’t tell Bill. We hold our pen nicely and we mechanically take some notes. And we – from the corner of one eye – look at the clock while it ticks all the way round to when I can go collect Josh. He’ll make everything better. He always does.

The clock is ticking too fast, though. They’re still in mid-meeting flow, and it’s already 3.30. I have to leave 3.40 to get there for 4 if I want a parking space, 3.45 if I just want to double-park and grab. Later than that, and he’s hanging around the school gates, thinking something is more important to me than him. Or ready for someone else to grab.

I start shifting around in my seat. Then a flick of the wrist to look at my watch: 3.31. If only I were more important to these men. Then I could say, ‘OK, let’s be wrapping up now.’

Oh. Unfortunate language.

Come on, Bill.

Still they drone on. Bank transfer, signature, guarantor. Yadda yadda yadda. I need to pick up my son. Is this what it’s like for every mother, or is it just me, with my special considerations?

Can I just go? Can I simply duck out of the room and hope Bill will remember why? That he’ll start to write his own notes? He knows why I have to be at those gates. He knows why I can’t leave Josh waiting. He knows there’s a just in case to end all just in cases. All the fear: Chloe fear; Mick fear; unnamed accomplice fear.

Then, rescue.

In the form of Lucy. Bizarrely.

She’s sticking her head round the door of the meeting room.

‘Sorry to interrupt, Bill. May I borrow Jen? It’s rather urgent.’

Is it? Has she shown sudden compassion and memory about my pick-up times?

Oh fuck.

The Land Transfer forms.

Lucy gets Bill’s best subtle unimpressed look. I’m allowed to share in it. Crap. Crap crap crap.

‘Yes, of course, Lucy. Send in Sheila, will you? She can carry on note-taking.’

I leave the room with as much dignity as I can muster. I know I’m in for a major bollocking now. Well stuff it. She’ll just have to have her forms tomorrow. It’s 3.35 at least by now.

When I’m out of the room, Lucy strides ahead of me until we’re out of earshot of the meeting room. Then it’s blast-off.

‘Well, Jen, where are the forms? I’m assuming you’ve done them? You know I have to send them over by 4 p.m.?’

Silence as I try to rally my brain. With the lunchtime window scare, the Dan call, the drugs picture – I just forgot. I clean forgot.

‘I’m waiting, Jen.’

She’s actually tapping her foot. Oh God this takes me back to all those kitchens, hallways, lobbies – holding chambers for frustration of adults at fucked-up children.

‘I’m sorry,’ I say.

I wait for the response.

‘Sorry isn’t good enough.’

Yep, there it is.

I give a little shrug.

‘Have you done anything on the forms at all?’

‘I’ve started, but –’

‘Well finish now then!’

That is a shout. She is definitely shouting.

I look at my watch.

‘Oh, I’m sorry, Jen, do you have to be somewhere?’

‘I have to collect my son,’ I tell her.

‘You should have thought about that before,’ she tells me.

Yep, yep, I should have thought about that before. Before I swore at my new foster dad (then wanted to stay). Before I threw the key of my new children’s-home room into the River Don (then wanted to get my phone). Before I grabbed my bags and told them all I was leaving (but didn’t have any money).

But now I’m a grown-up. Now I get a say.

‘Look, Lucy. It’s nearly 4 p.m. now. You won’t get the forms over before then, even if I stay. This transaction’s been going on for months. Why don’t you call the other side and explain it’s being pushed back one more day? I need to collect my son.’

I make to walk to my desk.

Lucy grabs my arm.

I recoil immediately.

‘Jennifer Sutton, don’t you dare speak to me like that! Put back my transaction I’ve been working on for months because you couldn’t be bothered to do your work? Your son can wait at the gates like everyone else. Or get his dad to pick him up. Or a friend or something?’

‘His father doesn’t pick him up,’ I say. I could say so much more. But that means enough in itself.

‘Look, don’t bother me with your domestic arrangements. You get to that desk, you do your work, or I’m taking you straight back into that meeting room and getting you fired this instant.’

Suddenly a male voice chips in.

‘Lucy, a word?’ It’s Tim.

Lucy wheels round to face him. ‘What?’ she snaps.

If it occurs to Lucy she needs to adjust her tone to speak to a fellow partner, she doesn’t show it. If anything, her eyes narrow.

‘Thought I ought to mention it’s entirely my fault Jen hasn’t done those forms. She was working on something for me, which I asked her to prioritize. She’s just too polite to mention it. Isn’t that right, Jen?’ I nod, mutely. Tim is dignified, reassuring. Lucy is even redder than she was.

‘You asked her to prioritize, without speaking to me?’

Tim lays out his hands and shrugs. ‘I’m terribly sorry, Lucy. Perhaps I haven’t quite worked out the etiquette here. But look, I couldn’t help overhear that Jen needs to pick up her son. Perhaps she could do your work tomorrow?’

‘I do need to pick up my son, Lucy,’ I add.

‘Right, come on then – in to see Bill. Then see what happens about your precious son.’

She’s right. I need this job. I need the money for some decent clothes for Josh. The Lego. The security, the food, the role model. I cannot sit at home on the dole. After all this, I cannot do that. To him. To me. I look at the clock: 3.50. Fuck.

She’s marching me closer to Bill’s meeting.

‘Wait, Lucy. Wait. I’ll stay. I’ll work fast – and accurately – and I’ll get it done. OK?’

I’ll be fifteen minutes late. He’ll be fine. He’ll be fine. Do not let paranoia destroy you.

Tim chips in again. ‘I’m sure she’ll manage it. Jen seems very diligent.’

I wrestle my arm free from Lucy’s and stand facing her a moment. She glares at me and Tim.

‘Fine. But I am not forgetting this, Jennifer. Do you hear me?’

‘I hear you.’

Back at my desk, I want to call the school, tell them to get him inside. But Lucy is watching me. Of course she is. And Tim has gone back to his office. I have to get on with it.

OK. Open up the form.

Right now, he’ll be packing up his bag. Thinking about seeing me.

Which of these stupid pull-down menus is it? Right, that one.

Now he’ll be dawdling on the school steps with his friends, reliving the day’s events.

Why can’t I just free-fill this little box? What do the xxxxs want me to type in that I’m not typing? Fuck.

Approaching the gate. Looking with casual certainty, knowing I’ll be there.

Have I even saved this? No, it’s still the template. Fuck.

And now he’s seeing I’m not there. Double-checking. Looking again.

I have never not been there.

Here we go, here we go, final box to fill. Oh shit, what’s the name of the transferee? Is it Suggs or Sugg?

So now he’s having that tightening feeling all over him – the signal from the brain that starts with the shoulder slump, goes to the dropped head, finally works its way to the straightening up again of the back with a defiant ‘OK, so I’m not wanted – I can deal with that.’ But he should never, never have to deal with that.

Here we go, done – email and print, email and print.

Besides which, there are people who want him. People/person, he/she, I don’t know. They shouldn’t be able to. But what if, what if, what if? What if I get there and it’s too late? It will be too late then for ever and ever and ever.

The cocking printer isn’t working! I will not lose my son because of the printer! Paper, it wants paper. Here we go then, have the bloody paper; fill your boots.

Race round to Lucy.

‘Here we are, Lucy. Sorry about that. I’ve checked them through. They’re fine. OK?’

I’m mentally searching my bag for the car keys. I can get them out then vroom, off to the school.

But Lucy is taking her time. She owns eternity. Come on!

‘I would have left a space here.’ She gestures to the form with her disgustingly lacquered nail. Do not make me redo it. ‘But I suppose it’s fine. Good. Right, you’d better go off to your lovely son. See you tomorrow!’

And now she’s beaming at me! She’s fucking beaming at me! Like an abusive fucking boyfriend she’s done her bit, had her fun, landed her metaphorical fist and now she’s all considerate again. Like those fucking social workers once they’ve struggled through your ‘chaos’ to find a ‘solution’ and think they’ve saved the world.

But fuck that; fuck them. At least Tim tried to help, but I’m still late. Run to the desk, grab the handbag, pull out the keys (yes, they’re where I thought they were) and race to the car. There’s some note under the wiper but I haven’t got time to look at it now. Get in, and drive.

It’s 4.25 by the time I get to the gates. And Josh isn’t there.

Chapter 6

Scenarios, words to scream, numbers to call, flash through my mind.

I ditch the car behind a car that’s just pulling off, tail lights all red. Is he in that car? Should I be running shouting after it? No. There’s a little blonde head bobbing about in the back of it. No sign of Josh’s dark curls.

Jumping out of the car, I scan around for a sign of Josh. His schoolbag, a discarded shoe maybe. You always see a discarded shoe in these cases don’t you?

Oh come on, Jen. You’re over-reacting. He may well be safe and sound inside. No reason to suspect otherwise. No real reason.

But still my heart clutches at my lungs.

Up the school steps and open the door. Or rather, grasp the handle. There’s a code. Of course there is. And of course I don’t remember it, because I never usually have to come in. It’s stored on my phone. Which I left in the car. Shit. I buzz the buzzer. No response. Run back to the car, grab my bag with my phone in.

Precious seconds flash away. If he’s gone, he’ll be even further away now. I look up the code on my phone and tap it in. I pull open the door and I’m into the lobby area. Quiet. Empty. A few discarded bits of Lego. Signs of a gone Josh? Fuck Lucy. Fuck her. Fuck me. What’s a job compared to looking after Josh? Why am I even doing this? I don’t have to. He’s the most precious thing and now I don’t even know where he is.

I open a door off the lobby.

And there we have it. Noise. Children.

My child.

Sitting on a bench reading a book. Engrossed.

I run to him.

‘Josh!’

He looks up. Smiles.

‘Hey, Mum,’ he says.

There’s no reprimand. No complaint. Just acceptance.

Still, I need to explain.

‘I’m sorry I’m late, sweetie. I had to finish something up at work.’

I ruffle his hair. I’d forgotten how lovely it is. Even since this morning.

He shrugs. ‘No worries. Chris only just left. And this book is good – have you read it?’

He holds up something about a spy.

‘No,’ I tell him.

‘You should,’ he says.

‘Are there no teachers about?’ I ask him.

‘Mrs Morgan is here, but she’s just popped out. She said to say she’d be back.’

So, someone could just walk in here and –

‘Mrs Sutton?’

‘Ms,’ I say. It’s instinctive.

‘Of course, yes. I’m sorry.’

She lowers her eyes a little. She doesn’t know, you see. She has the same story as Josh.

‘I arrived a little late, and there was no one around,’ I tell her. ‘Anyone could walk in.’

I should soften it, but I care more about my child than her feelings.

The woman flinches. She’s not one of the young trendy teachers. She’s a grey-haired lifer with a big bosom and a cardigan. Cares about the children, but only so much. Knows what to do with a reprimand.

She draws herself up. ‘Well, they’d have to know the code, wouldn’t they, love?’

It’s true. And it’s true there are signs up saying: ‘Don’t hold the door open for anyone you don’t know’ (the kids must love abusing that). And it’s true that they know most of the parents by sight. But she’s aware, isn’t she, this Mrs Morgan, that in the real world doors get propped open when it’s hot. That ‘kind’ parents hold the door open for other parenty-looking types. That some men – and women – are great blaggers.

‘Got held up at work, did you?’ she says to me, in my pointed silence.

And there we have it. The blame squarely pinned back on me.

‘I couldn’t help it,’ I say. ‘One of my bosses wanted me to work on.’

‘I like to say the child is always the boss. They dictate what needs to be done. That’s what I told my daughter when she was thinking about going back to work.’

I want to smack Mrs Morgan in the face, but I doubt that will help for Josh’s 11-plus prep.

‘Are you my boss, Josh?’ I ask, turning to him.

He has his head in a book again. He looks up. ‘What?’

‘Never mind,’ I tell him. Best he doesn’t hear my mockery. I’m not sure who I’m attacking – Mrs Morgan, or myself. Or whether it sounded like Josh.

‘For the future, just so you know, Ms Sutton, we bring them through here after 4.15. Usually we let Josh stand by the gates – we watch from the window obviously – but if you’d like we can just keep him in here as a matter of course.’

‘I won’t be late again.’

‘No, of course you won’t, but if you are …?’

‘I won’t be.’ And I won’t, will I? It was just this once. I was distracted. Bitched. Daniel’s face, the photos of the wraps of crack, and Lucy’s snarling face flit into my vision.