Natboff! One Million Years of Stupidity

‘NO!’ shouted the Gypsy King, reaching for Cobwep and meaning to grind her to dust in his golden-ringed hands. But his brute force was no match for the witches’ kindliness. Slowly, slowly they closed in, throwing their arms around him and hugging him tight, tight as can be – and he was overcome. Down he went, down, down into the fray as the witches sort of beat him up with their deadly love and hugs and friendship like a weird dream.

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‘Hang on a minute!’ shouted the Gypsy King as he disappeared from view. ‘The thing I’m most afraid of in the world isn’t THE POWER OF FRIENDSHIP AND HELPING EACH OTHER! The thing I’m most afraid of in the world is bees! How is this even happening, this doesn’t make any sense at all! How is this working?’

But it was too late. And the very last Princess Snowflake saw of the Gypsy King was his proud boots as they disappeared beneath the flames. And then even the flames were gone and all that remained was the vast army of witches and the little black rock. And standing on the rock was –

‘Gooseberry!’ cried Princess Snowflake. ‘Oh, and my parents as well, even though I’ve never seen you before, I recognise you!’

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‘Hello,’ said Princess Snowflake’s parents,

‘we were snatched up by the Gypsy King on

the day you were born and we have spent the

last eleven years in his power.’

‘How come I didn’t see you in little glass

beads dangling from the chain around his neck?’

said Princess Snowflake. ‘Like Gooseberry was?’

‘He turned us into, like, sort of, these kind

of little red stones, well, not exactly stones,

but kind of like stones, which he kept in his

shirt pocket,’ said Princess Snowflake’s father.

‘I don’t know why, he must have one system

for turning dogs into things and another system

for dealing with people. Anyway, it’s probably

not that important, or not something we need

to spend time worrying about right now. We’re

back at last!’

‘Thank you for looking after our daughter

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while we were away,’ said Princess Snowflake’s mother to the witches. ‘I hope she wasn’t any trouble.’

‘She had her moments,’ said Cobwep. But she said it with a smile.

‘How lucky I am to have witches and parents and the prettiest little dog in the world!’ cried Princess Snowflake. ‘But best of all, I have learnt about friendship and accepting help from people.’

And Gooseberry barked three times: once for happiness to see his mistress again, once for joy to feel her arms around him again and once because it was a fairy tale and as you know, things always happen in threes in fairy tales. On Gooseberry’s third bark, the Realm of the Gypsy King was gone and there they all were, back in the gardens of the Winter Palace, with

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the snow falling all around and the birds singing and Chomley the hedgehog snuffling for treats like always.

A deer bounded by with a big ‘D’ painted on its side. Then another one with ‘A’. Then another, with ‘N’. Then another, with ‘G’. Then another, with ‘E’. And then one more, with ‘R’ painted on its side.

‘Oh, how wonderful,’ laughed Princess Snowflake, clapping her hands together, one, two, three! ‘It’s those lovely deer again! Daniel and Arthur and Neil and Georgina and Eleanor and my favourite, Rum-Pum-Pum!’

And Princess Snowflake was right. That’s exactly what those letters stood for. And when she grew up, Princess Snowflake married Rum-Pum-Pum, because it was the Age of Fairy Tales and you could do what you like back then, it

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was absolutely fine to marry a deer if you felt like it. Or a field, you could even marry a field if you fancied. And her parents moved back into the Winter Palace and Gooseberry became

their butler, though he did charge quite a high price for his services.

In time, Princess Snowflake grew tired of the gardens and she rode Rum-Pum-Pum far and wide and together they had many more adventures and defeated all sorts of horrors, including the Flipsy King (who was a sort of evil

pancake-making guy), the Chipsy King (who was like this nasty dude who owned a kebab shop

but the portions were really small and he used to charge way too much for sachets of ketchup) and

the Pipsy King (who was a sort of cross between a man and an apple and when you went near him he’d spit apple pips at you and if one hit you you

70

would turn into an apple yourself but Princess Snowflake and Rum-Pum-Pum defeated him by

saying, ‘Hey, look over there, there’s something really interesting!’ and when the Pipsy King looked over there they quickly rushed up to him and Rum-Pum-Pum kicked him to death with his hooves). And Princess Snowflake and Rum-Pum-Pum had lots of children together, some were humans and some were deers, and some were humans but with just the legs of a deer, and one of them was a Smurf.

And they all lived happily ever after.

THE END

561 AD

The Story of Old King Thunderbelly and the Wall of Lamonic Bibber

N

ow, all this happened way back in the Dark Ages, when people still thought that the world was flat, not like today when we

know it’s a sort of giant shiny cube.

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In those distant, ignorant times, the

whole of England was ruled over by Old King

Thunderbelly, who lived in a grand castle in the

middle of Lamonic Bibber.

One day, Old King Thunderbelly was

strolling in the castle courtyards, which were

not as magnificent as you might think. They

were just all right. The best bit was a Swingball,

but even that wasn’t brilliant because it kept

tipping over if you whacked the ball too hard.

‘I am so crafty,’ said Old King Thunderbelly as he strolled around the courtyards. ‘For a start, I’m the king of the whole of England. And for another start, I can outwit anyone who crosses my path.’

But at that moment a crow crossed Old

King Thunderbelly’s path.

‘Oho,’ said the crow. ‘So you think you can

outwit anyone, is that what I heard you say, you

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arrogant king?’

‘Yes,’ said Old King Thunderbelly. ‘Why,

have you got a challenge for me?’

‘I certainly have,’ remarked the crow. ‘I bet you can’t keep me out

of Lamonic Bibber.’

‘I bet I can,’ said Old King

Thunderbelly.

‘I bet you can’t,’ said the crow.

‘I bet I can,’ said Old King Thunderbelly.

‘No, seriously, I bet you can’t,’ said the crow.

‘I really actually think I

can,’ said Old King Thunderbelly.

‘I bet you can’t,’ said the crow.

‘I bet I can,’ said Old King Thunderbelly.

‘Listen,’ said the crow, ‘I honestly bet you can’t.’

‘No, you listen, you idiot,’ said Old King Thunderbelly. ‘I bet I can.’

‘I bet you can’t,’ said the crow.

‘I bet I can,’ said Old King Thunderbelly.

Well, this argument went on for a day and a night and it was the most boring day and night either of them had ever spent, until eventually the crow said, ‘OK, then, king-features. Prove it. I will walk ten miles out of town and then I will try to get back in.

And just you see if you can stop me.’

‘All right, I will,’ said Old King Thunderbelly.

So the crow turned around and

started walking out of town. And Old King Thunderbelly began to make his plans.

‘I will build a mighty wall all around Lamonic Bibber,’ said Old King Thunderbelly to himself. ‘How can a crow possibly get over a wall? It’s impossible. And I will put some guards at the entrances and I will give them strict orders not to let in any crows. My God, I’m crafty!’ he said, rubbing his hands together, which was the first time a crafty person had ever rubbed his hands together to show he was doing crafty things.

‘Now, how will I build a wall?’ mused Old King Thunderbelly. ‘I know! I’ll get my friend

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John to do it for me.’

Now this was certainly a wonderful idea, because Old King Thunderbelly’s friend John was a famous wall-builder, known far and wide for his enormous farts. And also for how good he was at building walls.

So Old King Thunderbelly took out some bits of wood and a hammer and a few bells and he invented the world’s first telephone. Then he invented the world’s second telephone. Then he went round to his friend John’s house and gave John a telephone.

‘What’s this?’ said John.

‘You’ll see,’ winked Old King Thunderbelly. Then he went back to his palace and dialled John’s number.

‘Hello,’ said Old King Thunderbelly. ‘Is that John?’

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‘No, it’s his wife,’ said the voice at the other end of the line. ‘I’ll just go and get John, he’s having a fart in the shed.’

‘OK,’ said Old King Thunderbelly.

Soon John came to the phone.

‘Hello,’ said John.

‘Hello,’ said Old King Thunderbelly. ‘Do you like this new invention? It’s called a “telephone”.’

‘Yeah, it’s brilliant,’ said John. ‘Now, what can I do for you today, Your Highness? Do you want me to build a wall or something?’

‘Yes,’ said Old King Thunderbelly. ‘I want you to build a wall around Lamonic Bibber.’

‘Why, have you accepted a challenge from a crow or something?’ said John.

‘John, you know me well,’ laughed Old King Thunderbelly. ‘I certainly have.’

About three weeks later the wall was finally

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finished. John had worked day and night to build

it, and it was probably the best wall he’d ever built.

It was made out of stone and it was really high and

there were spikes on it and every few hundred yards

there were signs saying ‘NO CROWS ALLOWED’

and ‘KEEP OUT IF YOU ARE A CROW’. There

were two gates set into the wall and at each gate

stood two beefy guards, each holding a sharp silver

sword, except for one of them who had forgotten his

sword and was holding a massive garlic bread covered

in tinfoil instead and hoping nobody would notice.

‘Now let’s see that crow try and get in,’

laughed Old King Thunderbelly.

Presently a traveller came up to the South Gate

of the Wall of Lamonic Bibber. He was dressed in

a fine coat of feathers and he had a beak and two

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wings and he was about the size of a crow.

‘Hello,’ said the traveller to the guards. ‘ Do you mind if I come in through your gate?’

‘No, go ahead, we don’t care,’ said the

guards. ‘Go right in.’

But as the traveller

stepped forward, the

first guard thought

of something.

‘Hang on a minute,’ he said.

‘You’re not a

crow, are you?’

‘Who, me?’

laughed the traveller. ‘No, of course not.’

‘OK, sorry to bother you,’ said the first

guard. But just as the traveller was about to step

inside, the second guard thought of something.

‘Hang on,’ he said, brandishing his sword.

‘You are a crow. Go away! It’s no crows allowed,

those are our orders!’

‘Blast those guards,’ sulked the crow as he

walked off. ‘They’re cleverer than they look. How

am I going to get into Lamonic Bibber now?’

Well, that crow thought for a year and a

day, and it was the most boring year and a day

he’d ever spent. But eventually he came up with

an absolutely brilliant idea, and when he came

up with it a light bulb appeared

above his head, and that’s

how electricity was invented.

‘I’ve got it!’ said the crow.

About five years later, Old King Thunderbelly was sitting in the castle courtyards, having a sandwich and congratulating himself on outwitting the crow.

‘That was totally easy,’ he said to himself. ‘That wall did the trick no problem. It’s been years and years now and I still haven’t seen that crow around here.’

‘Oh, haven’t you?’ said a voice at that very moment. And looking down, Old King Thunderbelly was astonished to see none other than the crow himself, the very crow he’d been trying to keep out all this time!

‘How did you get in here?’ said Old King

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Thunderbelly. ‘Surely my wall should have

kept you out?’

‘Well might you think so, king,’ said the

crow. ‘But there’s one thing you forgot about

us crows,’ he continued, flapping his powerful

wings triumphantly. ‘We are excellent at

digging. I have spent the past five years digging

a tunnel under that wall with my beak and

finally I have won the challenge and you must

give me all the land of the kingdom and let me

marry your daughter and you must be my slave

forever and fetch me rare minerals.’

‘I don’t remember saying anything about

that,’ said Old King Thunderbelly. ‘But OK.’

And that is how the elephant got its trunk.

THE END

9 700 AD 9

Life and

||

Times Of

||

Saint

Follican

|

(As written by Bene The Elder,

a stinking old monk of the

Order Of The Prawn)

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