Natboff! One Million Years of Stupidity

33

to put a blanket on the seat before you went to the toilet, but it was still a palace, so never mind.

On the whole, Princess Snowflake led a carefree life, as I have said. But one day, when she was five years old, one of the kindly old witches took her aside.

‘Child,’ said the witch. ‘I have something important to tell you. You know the Winter Gardens, which lie beyond the palace walls?

Well, they are very nice. But take heed, for

a dreadful fellow lurks deep within those

gardens, waiting to trap the unwary! It is the

Gypsy King, and he is strong, with rippling

muscles, and he wears hundreds of gold rings on

his fingers, and he has proud boots. Beware the

Gypsy King, child, beware the Gypsy King!’

But Princess Snowflake only clapped her hands together, one, two, three!

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‘Gypsy King?’ she laughed. ‘There’s no such thing as the Gypsy King! I don’t need your help, I don’t need anyone’s help!’

And off she ran to explore the gardens, for they were her greatest joy.

When Princess Snowflake was six years old, another of the kindly old witches took her aside.

‘Uh oh,’ said Princess Snowflake, ‘here we go again.’

‘Child,’ said the kindly old witch. ‘You

know the Winter Gardens? Well, they are

very nice. But from time to time they are visited

by one who seeks to harm the unwary! Yes, it is

the Gypsy King, and he is strong, with rippling

muscles, and he wears hundreds of gold rings

on his fingers, and he has proud boots.’

But Princess Snowflake only clapped her hands together, one, two, three!

35

‘There’s no such thing as the Gypsy King!’ she laughed. ‘I don’t need your help, I don’t need anyone’s help!’

And off she went to raid the kitchens for her favourite cakes – marzipan disobediences. She didn’t like how they tasted, she just liked

the name. Princess Snowflake stuffed herself

silly with marzipan disobedience cakes, and off she ran to explore the gardens once more.

When Princess Snowflake was seven years old, another of the kindly old witches took her aside.

‘Child,’ said the kindly old witch. ‘You know the –’

But Princess Snowflake only clapped her hands together, one, two, three!

‘Yeah, yeah, I’ve heard it all before,’ she said. ‘King of the Pixies or something, nasty

36

bloke, don’t go near him, blah blah blah. I don’t

need your help, I don’t need anyone’s help!’

And off she ran to explore the gardens, slipping on the icy floor and almost colliding with a little hedgehog called Chomley.

With each passing year Princess Snowflake grew more reckless, wandering further and further into the gardens to explore. The witches despaired, but there was nothing to be done and in the end, they gave up even trying to keep her indoors. ‘For she has a mind of her own, that girl,’ said one. ‘Which is fine, it’s just that sometimes it’s quite an annoying mind.’

One day shortly after her eleventh birthday, Princess Snowflake was exploring a part of the gardens she hadn’t been in before, her faithful spaniel, Gooseberry, at her side. Merrily she skipped along, scoffing her marzipan

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disobediences, Chomley the hedgehog racing

after her to guzzle up the scraps.

Oh, how beautiful the gardens were! Waxy

green holly bushes lined the pathways, so that it

always felt like Christmas. Thick pines and fir trees

rose all around, like something from a picture

book, and the flowerbeds were bursting with

every sort of winter plant and herb imaginable:

snowdrops and white pansies; snapdragons and

turkeybane; Shoveller’s Delight and puff-puff-

mcguffs;inside-out Nigels, wizard-foot, beards of

Persia, frogleytumps, moth-whipper – and many

more besides. Everything sparkled with a layer of

diamond-dusty white, and the only sounds were

the crunching of the snow underfoot and the

soft breeze whispering in the branches.

At length, Princess Snowflake came to a

little wooden bench set back from the path,

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and there she sat herself down to watch the world go by. The witches had put up signs all around the bench, saying:

BEWARE THE GYPSY KING!

and

DANGER! THE GYPSY KING IS

KNOWN TO OPERATE IN THESE PARTS!

and

YOU’RE GOING TO REGRET NOT

READING THESE SIGNS ONE OF THESE

DAYS, YOUNG LADY, IN FACT I BET

YOU’RE NOT EVEN READING

THIS ONE RIGHT NOW, ARE YOU?

‘No, I’m not,’ said Princess Snowflake, which was true, because she wasn’t.

39

Presently a deer bounded by with a big ‘D’

painted on its side. Then

another one with an

‘A’. Then another, with

an ‘N’. Then another,

with a ‘G’. Then

another, with an ‘E’. And then

one more, with an ‘R’ painted

on its side.

‘Oh, how

adorable,’ laughed Princess Snowflake, clapping her hands together, one, two,

three! ‘Those letters must be

the initials of each deer’s name! I bet they are called Daniel, Arthur, Neil, Georgina, Eleanor and Rum-

40

Pum-Pum! Rum-Pum-Pum is my

favourite!’

While Princess Snowflake

had been sitting on the bench,

she had let Gooseberry off

his leash so that he could

go and do his business in

the bushes. (Gooseberry

ran a small and very

profitable furniture business

in the undergrowth,

selling small

tables and chairs

and suchlike to the

other animals.

Chomley the hedgehog

was one of his best

customers.)

‘Gooseberry!’ called

Princess Snowflake at

length. ‘Finish up your

business and come and walk with me

some more, there’s a good doggie!’

But no, there wasn’t a good doggie,

because Gooseberry did not come rushing out of the bushes as he normally did, barking and smiling and with dozens of silver coins spilling from his mouth. Gooseberry was nowhere to be seen,

and for the first time in her young life, Princess Snowflake knew what it was to feel fear. For the first time, she began to wish that she had listened to the witches. How long had Gooseberry been gone? Ten minutes? An hour? Even as Princess Snowflake rose from the bench to search for him, the day darkened and a cold, crisp flurry of snow began to fall. And as the snow fell, it sang:

42

Whisper,

whisper so,

The wind

and

the snow

The

Gypsy

King

And his

golden

ring

Woe,

woe,

woe!

Whisper,

whisper

so,

The frostbite

on

your toe

The

Gypsy

King

Will

only

bring

Woe,

woe,

woe!

Whisper,

whisper

so,

The frozen

ground

below

The

Gypsy

King

In the

fairy

ring

Woe,

woe,

woe!

43

‘What do you mean by this sinister

and quite catchy rhyme?’ pleaded Princess Snowflake – but the snow would say no more.

For a moment the world stood still.

And then, suddenly, the Gypsy King

jumped out from behind a tree. He was strong, with rippling muscles, and he wore hundreds of gold rings on his fingers, and he had proud boots. And in his huge cruel hands he held Princess Snowflake’s darling companion, Gooseberry.

‘I’ve done it again,’ laughed the Gypsy

King. ‘All the legends about me were true, I live in the gardens and I snatch up spaniels and do what I like.’

‘I hate you,’ said Princess Snowflake,

throwing herself to the ground and weeping hot, bitter tears that melted the snow all around her. ‘What do you want with Gooseberry? He is

44

only a spaniel and part-time furniture salesman!

But he means more to me than all my riches

put together! Please, please! I will give you all

the land of the town – from the Lamonic River

to Boaster’s Hill! From the Stone Table to the

Forest of Runtus! From the meanest hovel to

the Winter Palace itself – it will all be yours,

if you will only return Gooseberry to me, you

unbearable devil!’

But the Gypsy King merely laughed and

put Gooseberry’s face to his lips. Then he kissed

Gooseberry’s little face, once, twice, three times!

And all at once Gooseberry was gone. But around

the Gypsy King’s neck hung a chain that hadn’t

been there a moment before. From the chain

dangled a single glass bead, and inside the glass

bead, tiny as a fingernail, was poor Gooseberry.

‘That was a bit uncalled-for,’ said Princess

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Snowflake indignantly.

But the Gypsy

King merely threw

back his head

and laughed

once more.

‘HA HAHAAHA AHA AHA HAAH

AHAHAHA HAHA AH AH AHHAHAHAH

AH AHAHAH AHA HA HA HA HA

HAHAHA HHA AH AHA HA AH AHA

HAHA HA AH AH AHAH HA HA AH

AHHA AH AHHA HA HA AH AHAHAHAH

AHAHAHAHA AH AHAH AHA HAAHAHA

AHHAHAAH AHAHA AH AHA HA HAAH

HAHAHA AH AHA AHA HAHA HA HA

HAHA AHA HAHA AH HA HA HA HAH

AH AHA HA HAH AHAHA HAAH A AHA

AHA HA HAHAHAHAHA HA HAHAHA

HAH AHH AH AHAHA HAH AHAHA HAH

AHAHAH AHA HA HAHAHAH AHHA

HA AHHA HAHAH AHAH HAHAH AH

AHH AHAH AH AHA HAH HAHAH AHA

HAHAH HA HAH AH AH AHAH AA HAH

AH A AHA HA AHA HA HAHAHA HA

47

HAHAH A HAH HAHAHA HA HAH AHA

HA HA HAH AH AH AHAH AH AH HAH

AH HAHAH AHHAHAHA HAHHAHAHAH

AH HAHAHAHAHA AH AHA HAH A

AHAHAH A HAH AHHAHA AHA HHA

AHAH AHA HAHAAH AH AHAHA HA

AHAH AHHAHAHAHA AHAHAHAHA

HAH AH AHAAH AHA HAHAHA AH

HAH HAHA HAHAHHA AHAHA HAH

AHHAHA HAHAHA HA HAH AHAHAH

AHA HHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AH AH A

HA HAAHAHAHAHAHAH HAAHA H AH

AH HA HA H AHH AH AH HAHA H AHH

AHHAHA H AH HAHAHHA HA H AH HA

HAHAHHA HAH AH HA HAHAHAH HA HA

H HA HA HA H HA HA A HAA AHA HA AH

AH AHAHA AHH AH A AH AH AH HA HA

HA HA HA HA HA HA AHAHAH AHA HA

48

HA HAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH

AHHAHAHAHHAHAH AH HAH AH

AHAHHAHAHAHAHAH AH HA HAHA HA

AHA A HAHA AH AHAHAHAHAH A AHA

AHAHA AHAHA AHAHA AHA A HAHA

HA HAHAHAHA HA AHA HAHA AHA HA

AHAHAH AHA HAHA HA AHA A HA AHAH

AHA AH AHAHHA HA HA HA HA HA HA

HAHAH HAA HAHA AHA H A A AHAHAH

AHA HAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAH HA

AHA AHA AHA AHAHAHAHAHA HA

AHA AHA AHA AHA AHA AHA HA AHA

AH AHA H HA HAHAHA HA HA HAHAH

HA HA HAHA HA AHAHAHAHAHA HA

AHA AHA H HAAAHAAHAHAH H AH

AHAHAHAHHAHAH AHAHAHA AHAH

AHA AH H H H H HA AHA HA AHA HA

AHAHA HA HA HAHAHA HA AHA HA HA,’

49

laughed the Gypsy King.

Actually the Gypsy King laughed quite a lot

more than that, I only wrote a tiny bit of it. All

told, he stood there laughing for over six hours,

and Princess Snowflake could do nothing but

look on helplessly, because she kept thinking,

Surely it’s got to end soon, no one can laugh for

this long, I’ll say something to him in a minute.

When he’s stopped laughing.

But it just went on

and on.

Eventually, just as Princess Snowflake had

made up her mind that enough was enough

and she was about to tell him off for laughing

so much and wasting paper, the Gypsy King

turned, his cloak sweeping out behind him –

and in a flash he had vanished, just as if he had

never been there at all.

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Poor Princess Snowflake. She was so distraught

that as soon as she got back to the Winter Palace,

she took to her icy bed and lay there with her

face buried in the pillow, and none of the kindly

old witches could rouse her. All that evening

they knocked upon her chamber door, singing:

Let us

in,

let us

in

Princess, dearie,

let us

in

For tho’ this

life is full of sin

And trouble,

Princess, dearie,

let us in

But Princess Snowflake cried, ‘Leave me to my sorrows! Begone from my chamber door!’

That night she dreamed a terrible dream. The

Gypsy King was standing on a black rock amidst

a great lake of fire, untroubled by the flames that

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licked at his boots and laughing with pure scorn.

All about fell thousands and thousands of glass

snowflakes, and in each one Princess Snowflake

saw Gooseberry’s unhappy face. But when she

tried to catch one of the snowflakes it slipped

through her fingers like sand.

‘HA HA AHA HAHAHHAHA!’ laughed

the Gypsy King. ‘You will never get your little

dog back, unless you know the thing that I am

most afraid of in the world!’

The next evening, the kindly old witches

came again to Princess Snowflake’s door, singing:

Let us in,

let us in

Princess,

darling,

let us in

For we are

here to

help in times

Of trouble

Princess,

darling,

let us in

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But again Princess Snowflake cried,

‘Begone from my chamber door! Leave me to my miseries!’

Once more she fell into a troubled sleep, and once more she dreamed of the Gypsy King, standing on his black rock amidst the lake of fire. And once more he laughed and said, ‘You will never know the thing I am most afraid of in the world! Someone like you could never know that!’

On the third evening the witches came again to Princess Snowflake’s door, singing:

Let us

in,

let us in

Princess,

sweetheart,

let us in

For when the

going’s hard

And full of

trouble –

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But this time Princess Snowflake flung the door open wide and she fell to her knees sobbing and begging for forgiveness.

‘I told you she’d open the door on the third night,’ whispered one of the witches at the back. ‘Things always happen in threes in fairy tales. That’s a fiver you owe me, Liz.’

‘So you do have need of our help after all?’ asked the leader of the kindly old witches, who was called Cobwep, because her parents hadn’t known how to spell ‘Cobweb’.

‘Yes, yes!’ sobbed Princess Snowflake. ‘I have been an impossible child! But I can bear it no longer! Please help me, though I hardly deserve it!’

‘It is well spoken,’ said Cobwep. ‘Sleep now, Princess Snowflake, and we shall return tomorrow evening.’

54

Gently, Cobwep tucked

the child into bed and kissed

her goodnight. Princess

Snowflake fell asleep with

a smile on her face and

this time, when she saw

the Gypsy King in her

dream, he shrank back and cried, ‘What! You have protected yourself

with the thing I am most

afraid of in the world! I

hate you, you’re stupid!’ And he disappeared beneath the flames.

When the witches came back the next evening, they didn’t even have to bother coming up with another verse, for the chamber door was open to receive them.

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‘We have returned to help you, as we said we would,’ said Cobwep.

‘Thank you, Grandmother,’ said Princess Snowflake. (It didn’t mean that Cobwep was actually her real grandmother, it is just what children always call old women in fairy tales, no one knows why.) ‘Can you ever forgive me for being so awful?’

‘Of course, child,’ said Cobwep. ‘For we only want to see you happy.’

‘Then will you . . . Will you help me get Gooseberry back?’ asked Princess Snowflake. ‘I am so lonely without him.’

‘We shall do what we can,’ said Cobwep. ‘But getting him back will not be easy. You must travel to the Realm of the Gypsy King, and you must travel alone. Are you ready to make the journey?’

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‘I am,’ replied Princess Snowflake.

‘Then I shall tell you the way,’ said Cobwep,

her face wavering in the candlelight like an old flannel. ‘You must go into the gardens at midnight, child, when the moon is fat and full.’

‘OK,’ said Princess Snowflake.

‘And you must stick your tongue out, and you must eat the first snowflake that lands on your tongue,’ said Cobwep.

‘OK,’ said Princess Snowflake.

‘And then,’ said Cobwep, ‘you must stick your tongue out a second time, and you must eat the next snowflake that lands on your tongue.’

‘OK,’ said Princess Snowflake.

‘And then,’ said Cobwep, ‘you must stick your tongue out a third time, and you must eat one last snowflake.’

‘OK,’ said Princess Snowflake.

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‘And then,’ said Cobwep, ‘you must go up

to the fir tree, child, the one that stands in the

very middle of the gardens, where all the paths

meet. And you must eat it.’

‘OK,’ said Princess Snowflake, ‘that’s – no,

sorry, actually, hold on a minute. What do you

mean?’

‘Just what I say,’ said Cobwep. ‘You go up to

the fir tree, you open your mouth and you eat it.’

‘Let me get this straight,’ said Princess

Snowflake. ‘You want me to eat a fir tree?’

‘Yes,’ said all the witches together.

‘An entire fir tree?’

‘Yes,’ said the witches.

‘Can you do a spell to make it easier,

Grandmother?’ said Princess Snowflake. ‘I

mean, I actually know the tree you’re talking

about, it’s – there’s no way, I mean – it’s . . .

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Look, I’m not trying to be ungrateful but – it’s, really, it’s just – honestly, there’s just no way.’

‘Sorry, you’ll have to manage on your own,’ said Cobwep. ‘Anyway, we’ve got to go now, there’s another princess in trouble in Russia. She’s had her face stolen by ghosts.’

‘What, are you going to make her eat a fir tree too?’ shouted Princess Snowflake. ‘I can’t believe this is happening, seriously, what on earth are you all thinking.’

‘Bye bye, dearie,’ said the witches as they left to catch their aeroplane, which was an enormous broomstick driven by a cat. ‘You know what to do, good luck.’

Princess Snowflake lay awake until it was midnight. Then, hardly daring to think about the task ahead, out she crept in her nightgown, into the moonlit gardens of the Winter Palace.

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The night was deathly quiet and the snow was falling soft and thick.

Princess Snowflake stuck out her tongue and swallowed the first snowflake that landed upon it.

Then she swallowed the second snowflake. Then she swallowed the third snowflake.

Then she went up to the fir tree which stood in the middle of the gardens where all the paths met, and she started eating it.

‘This is a complete nightmare,’ sobbed Princess Snowflake as she sat there chewing on a mouthful of bark. ‘It’s going to take forever.’

But each time she wanted to give up, she thought of Gooseberry’s innocent little face and she remembered how much the witches loved her and she told herself, ‘One more bite, just one more bite.’ So the hours passed, though

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every minute felt like a lifetime.

One more bite, just one more bite . . . And

as the night turned to morning and the sun was rising over the gardens, Princess Snowflake realised that the entire fir tree was gone. So it just goes to show: you can do anything if

only you believe in yourself. You can win the Olympics. You can become a professor. You can even eat a fir tree. You probably shouldn’t eat

a fir tree unless you’re a princess in a fairy tale. Or a monster. Or a really big woodpecker. But you can if you like. But you shouldn’t. But you can if you like. But don’t.

As soon as Princess Snowflake had finished the last piece of bark, a glowing line appeared on the ground. Princess Snowflake took a deep breath and coughed up a few fir needles. Then, mustering all her courage, she stepped across

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the line and as she did so, the gardens of the Winter Palace disappeared and she found herself in the Realm of the Gypsy King. The

earth beneath her feet was cracked and dry. A scorching wind blew. And there before her,

standing on a black rock surrounded by a lake of fire, stood the Gypsy King himself.

‘So!’ laughed the Gypsy King. ‘You have made it to my Realm, I bet you had to eat a

fir tree or something, didn’t you? But the rules of this place are not like your world, you fool!

Come and get me now, if you dare! But if you cannot defeat me, you shall be trapped here

forever! AHA AH AAH AAHAHAHA HAAH AHAA HAAHHAAHAH AHA AHAHA!’

This time the Gypsy King went on laughing for nearly twelve hours, so I definitely won’t write it all out. Princess Snowflake waited

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patiently until the laughter was over and then she said, ‘Gypsy King, I care not for your

atrocious lake of fire. For I have seen you in my dreams and now I know the thing you are most afraid of in the world.’

And she held out her hands and stood there with her palms open and empty.

‘Oh, no,’ said the Gypsy King sarcastically. ‘Hands! Oh, no! N . . . Not h-h-hands! Oooh, no, I’m terrified, oh no, oh, no! Oh, no! The hands are going to get me, oh, no! Not the hands!’

‘Oh, Gypsy King,’ said Princess Snowflake. ‘It is not the hands themselves, but what they represent. Ever since I was a baby, those around me have worked to protect me and keep me

from harm. I never used to listen to them for I was arrogant. But when I threw open my chamber door to let my friends inside, I also

63

threw open the door to my heart. Behold, Gypsy King, for I have finally discovered the thing in the world you are most afraid of – THE POWER OF FRIENDSHIP AND HELPING EACH OTHER.’

At these words, Princess Snowflake’s hands were empty no longer, for in her left was clasped the right hand of Cobwep. And in

Princess Snowflake’s right hand was clasped the left hand of Cobwep’s sister, Nightshadf. And then suddenly, there they all were – a vast army of kindly old witches, hands linked together as one, encircling the lake of fire in a chain of true friendship.

Princess Snowflake recognised some of the faces, like Cobwep, and another one called

Granny Champion and another one called

Roller Jane, who was one of the fattest witches

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ever born. But there were plenty of others she’d never met before, many thousands and thousands of them, and each one looking upon the Gypsy King with a mixture of pity and compassion which the cruel man could not bear. And now, as one, they started for him across the lake. And the flames weren’t even burning them because they were totally magic.