The Tales of Uncle Remus / Сказки дядюшки Римуса. Книга для чтения на английском языке

“No point at all,” Brer Fox agreed as he started gathering kindling for the fire.

“I guess I’m going to be barbecue this day.” Brer Rabbit sighed. “But getting barbecued is a whole lot better than getting thrown in the briar patch.” He sighed again. “No doubt about it. Getting barbecued is almost a blessing compared to being thrown in that briar patch on the other side of the road. If you got to go, go in a barbecue sauce. That’s what I always say. How much lemon juice and brown sugar you put in yours?”

When Brer Fox heard this, he had to do some more thinking, because he wanted the worst death possible for that rabbit. “Now that I thinks on it, it’s too hot to be standing over a hot fire. I think I’ll hang you.”

Brer Rabbit shuddered. “Hanging is a terrible way to die! Just terrible! But I thank you for being so considerate. Hanging is better than being thrown in the briar patch.”

Brer Fox thought that over a minute. “Come to think of it, I can’t hang you, ’cause I didn’t bring my rope. I’ll drown you in the creek over yonder.”

Brer Rabbit sniffed like he was about to cry. “No, no, Brer Fox. You know I can’t stand water, but I guess drowning, awful as it is, is better than the briar patch.”

“I got it!” Brer Fox exclaimed. “I don’t feel like dragging you all the way down to the creek. I got my knife right here. I’m going to skin you!” He pulled out his knife.

Brer Rabbit’s ears shivered. “That’s all right, Brer Fox. It’ll hurt something awful, but go ahead and skin me. Scratch out my eyeballs! Tear out my ears by the roots! Cut off my legs! Do whatnsoever[32] you want to with me, Brer Fox, but please, please, please! Don’t throw me in that briar patch!”

Brer Fox was convinced now that the worst thing he could do to Brer Rabbit was the very thing Brer Rabbit didn’t want him to do. He snatched him off the Tar Baby and wound up his arm like he was trying to throw a fastball past Hank Aaron[33] and chunked that rabbit across the road and smack dab in the middle of the briar patch.

Brer Fox waited. Didn’t hear a thing. He waited a little longer. Still no sound. And just about the time he decided he was rid of Brer Rabbit, just about the time a big grin started to spread across his face, he heard a little giggle.

“Tee-hee! Tee-hee!” And the giggles broke into the loudest laughing you’ve ever heard.

Brer Fox looked up to see Brer Rabbit sitting on top of the hill on the other side of the briar patch.

Brer Rabbit waved. “I was born and raised in the briar patch, Brer Fox! Born and raised in the briar patch!” And he hopped on over the hill and out of sight.

Brer Rabbit Gets Even

About a week later Brer Rabbit decided to visit with Miz Meadows and the girls. Don’t come asking me who Miz Meadows and her girls were. I don’t know, but then again, ain’t no reason I got to know. Miz Meadows and the girls were in the tale when it was handed to me, and they gon’ be in it when I hand it to you. And that’s the way the rain falls on that one.

Brer Rabbit was sitting on the porch with Miz Meadows and the girls, and Miz Meadows said that Brer Fox was going through the community telling how he’d tricked Brer Rabbit with the Tar Baby. Miz Meadows and the girls thought that was about the funniest thing they’d ever heard and they just laughed and laughed.

Brer Rabbit was as cool as Joshua when he blew on the trumpet ’round the walls of Jericho. Just rocked in the rocking chair as if the girls were admiring his good looks.

When they got done with their giggling[34], he looked at them and winked his eye real slow. “Ladies, Brer Fox was my daddy’s riding horse for thirty years. Might’ve been thirty-five or forty, but thirty, for sure.” He got up, tipped his hat, said, “Good day, ladies,” and walked on off up the road like he was the Easter Parade.

Next day Brer Fox came by to see Miz Meadows and the girls. No sooner had he tipped his hat than they told him what Brer Rabbit had said. Brer Fox got so hot[35] it was all he could do to keep from biting through his tongue.

“Ladies, I’m going to make Brer Rabbit eat his words and spit’em out where you can see’em!”

Brer Fox took off down the road, through the woods, down the valley, up the hill, down the hill, round the bend, through the creek, and past the shopping mall, until he came to Brer Rabbit’s house.

(Wasn’t no shopping mall there. I just put that in to see if you was listening.)

Brer Rabbit saw him coming. He ran in the house and shut the door tight as midnight. Brer Fox knocked on the door. BAM! BAM! BAM! No answer. BAM! BAM! BAM! Still no answer. BLAMMITY BLAM BLAM BLAM!

From inside came this weak voice. “Is that you, Brer Fox? If it is, please run and get the doctor. I ate some parsley this morning, and it ain’t setting too well on my stomach. Please, Brer Fox. Run and get the doctor.”

“I’m sho’ sorry to hear that, Brer Rabbit. Miz Meadows asked me to come tell you that she and the girls are having a party today. They said it wouldn’t be a party worth a dead leaf[36] if you weren’t there. They sent me to come get you.”

Brer Rabbit allowed as to how he was too sick, and Brer Fox said he couldn’t be too sick to go partying. (God knows, that’s the truth! I ain’t never been too sick to party. Even when I’m dead, I’ll get up out of the grave to party. And when I get sick, the blues are the best doctor God put on earth. The blues can cure athlete’s foot, hangnail, and the heartbreak of psoriasis.)

Well, Brer Rabbit and Brer Fox got to arguing back and forth and forth and back about whether he was too sick to come to the party. Finally, Brer Rabbit said, “Well, all right, Brer Fox. I don’t want to hurt nobody’s feelings by not coming to the party, but I can’t walk.”

Brer Fox said, “That’s all right. I’ll carry you in my arms.”

“I’m afraid you’ll drop me.”

“I wouldn’t do a thing like that, Brer Rabbit. I’m stronger than bad breath.”

“I wouldn’t argue with you there, but I’m still afraid. I’ll go if you carry me on your back.”

“Well, all right,” Brer Fox said reluctantly.

“But I can’t ride without a saddle.”

“I’ll get the saddle.”

“But I can’t get in the saddle without a bridle.”

Brer Fox was getting a little tired of this, but he agreed to get a bridle.

“And I can’t keep my balance unless you got some blinders on. How I know you won’t try to throw me off?”

That’s just what Brer Fox was planning on doing, but he said he’d put the blinders on.

Brer Fox went off to get all the riding gear[37], and Brer Rabbit combed his hair, greased his mustache, put on his best suit (the purple one with the yellow vest), shined his toenails, and fluffed out his cottontail[38]. He was definitely ready to party!

He went outside and Brer Fox had the saddle, bridle, and blinders on and was down on all fours. Brer Rabbit got on and away they went. They hadn’t gone far when Brer Fox felt Brer Rabbit raise his foot.

“What you doing, Brer Rabbit?”

“Shortening up the left stirrup.”

Brer Rabbit raised the other foot.

“What you doing now?” Brer Fox wanted to know.

“Shortening up the right stirrup.”

What Brer Rabbit was really doing was putting on spurs. When they got close to Miz Meadows’s house, Brer Rabbit stuck them spurs into Brer Fox’s flanks and Brer Fox took off buckity-buckity-buckity[39]!

Miz Meadows and the girls were sitting on the porch when Brer Rabbit come riding by like he was carrying mail on the Pony Express. He galloped up the road until he was almost out of sight, turned Brer Fox around and came back by the house a-whooping and a-hollering like he’d just discovered gold.

He turned Brer Fox around again, slowed him to a trot and rode on up to Miz Meadows’s house, where he got off and tied Brer Fox to the hitching post. He sauntered up the steps, tipped his hat to the ladies, lit a cigar, and sat down in the rocking chair.

“Ladies, didn’t I tell you that Brer Fox was the riding horse for our family! Of course, he don’t keep his gait like he used to, but in a month or so he’ll have it back.”

Miz Meadows and the gals laughed so hard and so long, they liked to broke out of their underclothes.

Brer Rabbit must’ve stayed with Miz Meadows and the girls half the day. They had tea and cookies, and Brer Rabbit entertained them with some old-time barrelhouse piano. Finally it was time to go. He kissed the ladies’ hands, got on Brer Fox, and with a little nudge of the spurs, rode away.

Soon as they were out of sight, Brer Fox started rarin’ and buckin’[40] to get Brer Rabbit off. Every time he rared, Brer Rabbit jabbed him with the spurs, and every time he bucked, Brer Rabbit yanked hard on the bridle. Finally, brer Fox rolled over on the ground and that got Brer Rabbit off in a hurry.

Brer Rabbit didn’t waste no time getting through the underbrush, and Brer Fox was after him like the wet on water. Brer Rabbit saw a tree with a hole and ran in it just as the shadow of Brer Fox’s teeth was going up his back.

The hole was too little for Brer Fox to get into, so he lay down on the ground beside it to do some serious thinking.

He was lying there with his eyes closed (a fox always closes his eyes when he’s doing serious thinking), when Brer Buzzard came flopping along. He saw Brer Fox lying there like he was dead, and said, “Looks like supper has come to me.”

“No, it ain’t, fool!” said Brer Fox, opening his eyes. “I ain’t dead. I got Brer Rabbit trapped in this tree here, and I ain’t letting him get away this time if it takes me six Christmases.”

Brer Buzzard and Brer Fox talked over the situation for a while. Finally, Brer Buzzard said he’d watch the tree if Brer Fox wanted to go get his axe to chop the tree down.

Soon as Brer Fox was gone and everything was quiet, Brer Rabbit moved close to the hole and yelled, “Brer Fox! Brer Fox!”

Brer Rabbit acted like he was annoyed when Brer Fox didn’t answer. “I know you out there, Brer Fox. Can’t fool me. I just wanted to tell you how much I wish Brer Turkey Buzzard was here.”

Brer Buzzard’s ears got kind of sharp. He put on his best Brer Fox voice and said, “What you want with Brer Buzzard?”

“Oh, nothing, except there’s the fattest gray squirrel in here that I’ve ever seen. If Brer Buzzard was here, I’d drive the squirrel out the other side of the tree to him.”

“Well,” said Brer Buzzard, still trying to sound like Brer Fox and not doing too good a job[41], “you drive him out and I’ll catch him for Brer Buzzard.”

Brer Rabbit started making all kinds of noises like he was trying to drive the squirrel out and Brer Buzzard ran around to the other side of the tree. Quite naturally, Brer Rabbit ran out of the tree and headed straight for home.

Brer Buzzard was mighty embarrassed when he realized he’d been tricked[42]. Before he could think of what to tell Brer Fox, Brer Fox came marching up with his axe on his shoulder.

“How’s Brer Rabbit?” Brer Fox wanted to know.

“Oh, he doing fine, I reckon. He’s mighty quiet, but he’s in there.”

Brer Fox took his axe and – POW! – started in on the tree. He was swinging that axe so hard and so fast, the chips were piling up like snowflakes.

“He’s in there!” Brer Buzzard yelled. “He’s in there!” The sweat was pouring off Brer Fox like grease coming out of a Christmas goose what’s been in the oven all day. Finally, Brer Buzzard couldn’t hold it in any longer and he bust out laughing.

“What’s so doggone funny?” Brer Fox wanted to know, putting his axe down.

“He’s in there, Brer Fox! He’s in there!” Brer Buzzard exclaimed, still laughing.

Brer Fox was suspicious now. He stuck his head in the hole and didn’t see a thing. “It’s dark in there, Brer Buzzard. Your neck is longer than mine. You stick your head in. Maybe you can see where he’s at.”

Brer Buzzard didn’t want to do it, but he didn’t have no choice. He walked over real careful like, stuck his head in the hole, and soon as he did, Brer Fox grabbed his neck and pulled him out.

“Let me go, Brer Fox! I ain’t done nothing to you. I got to get home to my wife. She be worrying about me.”

“She don’t have to do that, ’cause you gon’ be dead if you don’t tell me where that rabbit is.”

Brer Buzzard told him what had happened and how sorry he was.

“Well, it don’t make no never mind,” said Brer Fox. “You’ll do just as good.[43] I’m gon’ throw you on a fire and burn you up.”

“If you do, I’ll fly away.”

“Well, if that’s the case, I better take care of you right here and now.”

Brer Fox grabbed Brer Buzzard by the tail to throw him on the ground and break his neck. Soon as he raised his arm, however, Brer Buzzard’s tail feathers came out and he flew away.

Po’ Brer Fox. If it wasn’t for bad luck, he wouldn’t have no luck at all.

Brer Rabbit and Sister Cow

While Brer Fox was sitting on the ground with Brer Buzzard’s tail feathers in his hand, wondering if God had something against him, Brer Rabbit was eleventeen miles away. He was tired, sweaty, and out of breath, and when he saw Sister Cow grazing in a field, he thought how nice it would be if she gave him some milk to drink. But he knew she wouldn’t. One time his wife had been sick and Brer Rabbit had asked her for some milk and she’d refused him. But that didn’t make no never mind. He was going to get him some of her milk.

“How you, Sister Cow?” asked Brer Rabbit, walking up to her.

“Reckon I be getting on all right, Brer Rabbit. How you be?”

“Fair to middling.[44] Fair to middling.”

“How’s your family?”

“’bout the same, I reckon. How’s Brer Bull and all your young’uns?”

“They doing fine, just fine.”

“Glad to hear it.”

Brer Rabbit looked around for a minute and noticed a persimmon tree. “There’s some mighty nice persimmons on that tree. I’d love to have some.”

“How you gon’ get ’em?” Sister Cow wanted to know.

“Well, I was wondering if you would butt the tree for me a time or two and shake some down.”

Sister Cow allowed as to how she thought she could do that. She took a running start and banged her head into the tree, but no persimmons fell. And there was a good reason too. The persimmons were green and weren’t ready to fall, which Brer Rabbit knew. Sister Cow backed up farther and galloped toward the tree like a racehorse and – BAM! – hit that tree so hard that one of her horns got stuck. Brer Rabbit jumped up and did the shimmy, ’cause that was just what he’d been waiting for.

“I’m stuck,” called out Sister Cow. “Come give me a hand[45], Brer Rabbit.”

“Don’t believe there’s much I can do, but I’ll run and get Brer Bull.” Brer Rabbit ran all right, ran straight home to get his wife and all the children. They come back with buckets and milked Sister Cow dry.

“You have a good night, Sister Cow!” Brer Rabbit called out as him and his family were leaving. “I be back in the morning.”

Sister Cow worked hard all through the night trying to get her horn unstuck, and nigh on to daybreak she finally got loose. She grazed around in the field for a while, because she was mighty hungry. Long before the time she thought Brer Rabbit would be coming back, she stuck her horn back in the hole. However, Sister Cow didn’t know that Brer Rabbit had been watching all the while.

“Good morning, Sister Cow!” says Brer Rabbit, coming up to her. “How you this morning?”

“Ain’t doing too good, Brer Rabbit. Couldn’t sleep last night for trying to get out of this hole. Brer Rabbit? You suppose you could grab on to my tail and yank it real hard? I believe if you did that, I might be able to get free.”

“Tell you what, Sister Cow. You do the pulling and I’ll do the grunting.”

Sister Cow had had enough. She turned around and took off after Brer Rabbit. She was a lot faster than Brer Rabbit had given her credit for and it was all he could do to stay a hop in front of her horns. He dived into the first briar patch he saw, and Sister Cow come to a screeching halt[46].

After a while she saw two big eyes staring out at her. “How you this morning, Brer Big-Eyes?” she says. “You seen Brer Rabbit pass here?”

“I did. He was looking mighty scared too.”

Sister Cow went galloping down the road. Brer Rabbit lay there in the briar-patch just laughing and laughing. Brer Fox was mad at him; Brer Buzzard was mad at him; and now, Sister Cow was mad at him. And he just laughed and laughed.

Brer Turtle, Brer Rabbit, and Brer Fox

First thing next morning Brer Rabbit went to see Miz Meadows and the girls. He wasn’t far from their house when he came upon Brer Turtle. He knocked on Brer Turtle’s roof.

You know, Brer Turtle is a cautious kind of creature and he always carries his house with him. Don’t know whether he’s afraid of robbers or just what. (The way folks be breaking into houses these days, seems to me Brer Turtle got the right idea.)

Anyway, Brer Rabbit knocked on the roof and asked if anybody was in[47]. Brer Turtle allowed as to how he was. Brer Rabbit wanted to know where he was going.

Brer Turtle thought that was an interesting question, ’cause he hadn’t thought about it. Going was so much of a problem that where he went wasn’t important. Chances were he wasn’t gon’ get there anyway. As far as he was concerned, he was going to wherever he got to. That being the case, Brer Rabbit said he’d carry him along and they could call on Miz Meadows and the girls. That was all right with Brer Turtle.

Miz Meadows and the girls were glad to have some company and invited them in to set a spell. Brer Turtle was too low to sit on the floor and take part in the conversation, and when they sat him in a chair, he still wasn’t high enough. Finally, Miz Meadows put him on the mantelpiece above the fireplace, where he could take part in everything that was going on.

Very quickly the conversation got around to Brer Rabbit riding Brer Fox like a horse the day before.

“I would’ve ridden him over this morning,” said Brer Rabbit, “but I rode him so hard yesterday that he’s kinna lame in one leg this morning. I may be forced to sell him.”

Brer Turtle spoke up. “Well, Brer Rabbit, please sell him out of the neighborhood. Why, day before yesterday Brer Fox passed me on the road, and do you know what he said?”

Quite naturally nobody did, since they weren’t there.

“He looked at me and said, ‘Hello, Stinkin’ Jim!’”

“He didn’t![48]” exclaimed Miz Meadows. She and the girls were dismayed that Brer Fox would talk like that to a fine gentleman like Brer Turtle.

Now, while all this was going on, Brer Fox was standing in the back door, hearing every word. He sho’ heard more than he bargained for[49], which is always how it is with folks who put their ears in other folks’ conversations. The talk about him got so bad that the only way to stop it was to walk in like he’d just got there.

“Good day, everybody!” he said, grinning, and having taken care of all the pleasantries, he made a grab for[50] Brer Rabbit.

Miz Meadows and the girls commenced to hollering and screaming and carrying on. Brer Turtle was scampering around on the mantelpiece and he got so excited that he tripped, fell off, and landed right on Brer Fox’s head.

That brought all the commotion to a halt. Brer Fox rubbed the knot on his head, looked around, and Brer Rabbit was nowhere to be seen. Brer Fox looked and looked until finally, he saw some soot falling out of the chimney and into the fireplace.

“Aha!” says he. “I’m gon’ light a fire in the fireplace and smoke you out, Brer Rabbit.” He started stacking wood in the fireplace.

Brer Rabbit laughed.

“What’s so funny?”

“Ain’t gon’ tell[51], Brer Fox.”

“What you laughing at, I said.”

“Well, nothing, except I just found a box of money hid up here behind a loose brick.”

Brer Fox wasn’t gon’ get fooled this time. “That’s a lie, and you know it.” He commenced to stacking the wood again.

“Don’t have to take my word for it,” Brer Rabbit said, just as calmly as he could be. “Look up here and see for yourself.”

Brer Fox peered up the chimney. Brer Rabbit dropped a brick square on his head. If somebody dropped a brick on your head, that would pretty well take care of things, now wouldn’t it?

Brer Wolf Tries to Catch Brer Rabbit

After Brer Rabbit dropped the brick on Brer Fox’s head, Brer Fox was laid up in the hospital for a week or so. The day he got out he commenced to scheming again[52].

He was walking down the road and ran into his cousin, Brer Wolf. They hadn’t seen each other since the big family barbecue last Juvember, so they hugged and exchanged news about their kin, and then Brer Fox brought his cousin up to date on all that Brer Rabbit had been doing.

“This has got to stop,” says Brer Wolf. “We got to get that rabbit.”

“Easier said than done.[53]”

“Well, I got a plan, but for it to work, we got to get him inside your house, Brer Fox.”

“He wouldn’t come in my house if you promised him free lettuce and yogurt for a year.”

“Don’t you worry about that. I can get him there,” says Brer Wolf.

“How?”

“You go home, Brer Fox, get in bed and make like you dead. And don’t say nothing until Brer Rabbit puts his hands on you. When he does, grab him, and we got us a good supper!”

Brer Wolf went over to Brer Rabbit’s house and knocked on the door. Bam! Bam! Bam! Nobody answered. Brer Wolf commenced to banging and kicking on the door like he didn’t have no manners[54], which he didn’t. BLAMMITY BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAMMITY!

Finally a teenichy voice came from inside. “Who’s there?”

“A friend.”

“All them what say friend ain’t friend,” Brer Rabbit answered. “Who’s there?”

“I got bad news.”

Bad news will get folks to listen when good news won’t. Brer Rabbit cracked the door and peeked half-a-eyeball out.

“Brer Fox died this morning,” Brer Wolf said real mournfullike.

Brer Rabbit raised half-a-eyebrow. “That so?[55]”

“He never recuperated from that lick on the head when you dropped the brick on him. I just thought you’d want to know.”

This was bad news that was sho’ nuf good news. But it wasn’t news to be accepted on somebody else’s say-so. He decided to sneak over to Brer Fox’s and verify it.

When he got there, everything was quiet and still. He peeped through the open window, and there, lying on the bed, hands folded across his chest, eyes closed, was Brer Fox.

“Po’ Brer Fox,” said Brer Rabbit. “He sho’ is dead. Leastwise he look dead. Of course, I always heard that when folks was dead and somebody came to see ’em, dead folks would raise up a leg and holler ‘Wahoo!’”

Brer Fox raised up his leg and hollered, “Wahoo!”

Brer Rabbit didn’t waste no time getting away from there.

Brer Rabbit Finally Gets Beaten

You know, it ain’t possible to go through life without meeting your match[56] some time or other. Brer Rabbit was no exception.

One day he and Brer Turtle were having a good laugh, remembering the time Brer Turtle conked Brer Fox on the head.

Brer Turtle said, “If Brer Fox had chased me instead of you, I would’ve been caught just as sure as you’re born.”

Brer Rabbit chuckled. “Brer Turtle, I could’ve caught you myself.”

Brer Turtle looked incredulous. “You must be joking, Brer Rabbit. You couldn’t have caught me if your feet had turned to wheels and your tail to a motor.”

“Hold on a minute!” Brer Rabbit couldn’t believe his big ears. “You so slow that when you moving you look like you standing still.”

“I ain’t got time to beat my lips with you over it. I got fifty dollars say[57] I’m the fastest.”

“And I got fifty say you been shaving the hair off your legs or something, but I know you done lost your mind.”

“Brer Rabbit, I hate to take your money, but if that’s what you want, that’s what you got.”

Brer Rabbit laughed. “I’ll leave you so far behind that I can plant greens at the beginning of the race and by the time you cross the finish line, them greens will be ready to pick.”

“I hope your feet as fast as your mouth[58].”

They got Brer Buzzard to be the race judge and hold the bet money. It was to be a five-mile race, with posts set a mile apart. Brer Turtle claimed he could race faster going through the woods. Everybody told him he was out of his mind. How could he expect to beat Brer Rabbit, who would be running on the road! Brer Turtle said, “Watch me.”