The Comic English Grammar: A New And Facetious Introduction To The English Tongue

"And now I know whereby you would fain make an excuse,

Because my master one day in anger call'd you a goose;

Which, and I am sure I have been his servant since October,

And he never called me worse than sweetheart, drunk or sober."

What, or, to speak more improperly, wot, is generally substituted by cabmen and hack-drivers for who; as, "The donkey wot wouldn't go."

"The girl wot sweeps the crossing."

That, likewise, is very frequently rejected by the vulgar, who use as in its place; as, "Them as asks shan't have any; and them as don't ask don't want any."

SECTION III. OF THE ADJECTIVE PRONOUNS

Adjective pronouns partake of the nature of both pronouns and adjectives. They may be subdivided into four sorts: the possessive, the distributive, the demonstrative, and the indefinite.

The possessive pronouns are those which imply possession or property. Of these there are seven; namely, my, thy, his, her, our, your, their.

The word self is added to possessives; as, myself, yourself, "Says I to myself, says I." Self is also sometimes used with personal pronouns; as, himself, itself, themselves. His self is a common, but not a proper expression.

The distributive are three; each, every, either; they denote the individual persons or things' separately, which, when taken together, make up a number. Each is used when two or more persons or things are mentioned singly; as, "each of the Catos;" "each or the Browns."

Every relates to one out of several; as,

"Every mare is a horse, but every horse is not a mare."

Either refers to one out of two; as,

"When I between two jockeys ride,

I have a knave on either side."

Neither signifies "not either;" as, "Neither of the Bacons was related to Hogg."

The demonstrative pronouns precisely point out the subjects to which they relate; such are this and that, with their plurals these and those; as, "This is a Hoosier lad; that is a Yankee school-master."

This refers to the nearest person or thing, and to the latter or last mentioned; that to the most distant, and to the former or first mentioned; as, "This is a man; that is a nondescript."

"At the period of the Reformation in Scotland, a curious contrast between the ancient and modern ecclesiastical systems was observed; for while that had been always maintained by a Bull, this was now supported by a Knox"

The indefinite are those which express their subjects in an indefinite or general manner; as, some, other, any, one, all, such, &c.

When the definite article the comes before the word other, those who do not know better, are accustomed to strike out the he in the, and to say, t'other.

The same persons also use other in the comparative degree; for sometimes, instead of saying quite the reverse, or perhaps reverse, they avail themselves of the expression more t'other.

So much for the pronouns.

CHAPTER VI. OF VERBS

SECTION I. OF THE NATURE OF VERBS IN GENERAL

The nature of Verbs in general, and that in all languages, is, that they are the most difficult things in the Grammar.

Verbs are divided into Active, Passive, and Neuter; and also into Regular, Irregular, and Defective. To these divisions we beg to add another; Verbs Comic.

A Verb Active implies an agent, and an object acted upon; as, to love; "I love Wilhelmina Stubbs." Here, I am the agent; that is, the lover; and Wilhelmina Stubbs is the object acted upon, or the beloved object.

A Verb Passive expresses the suffering, feeling, or undergoing of something; and therefore implies an object acted upon, and an agent by which it is acted upon; as, to be loved; "Wilhelmina Stubbs is loved by me."

A Verb Neuter expresses neither action nor passion, but a state of being; as, I bounce, I lie.

"Gracious, Major!"

Of Verbs Regular, Irregular, and Defective, we shall have somewhat to say hereafter.

Verbs Comic are, for the most part, verbs which cannot be found in the dictionary, and are used to express ordinary actions in a jocular manner; as, to "bolt," to "mizzle," which signify to go or to depart; to "bone," to "prig," that is to say, to steal; to "collar," which means to seize, an expression probably derived from the mode of prehension, or rather apprehension characteristic of the New Police, as it is one very much in the mouths of those who most frequently come in contact with that body: to "liquor,"'or drink; to "grub," or eat; to "sell," or deceive, &c.

Under the head of Verbs Comic, the Yankeeisms, I "calculate," I "reckon," I "realise," I "guess," and the like, may also be properly enumerated.

Auxiliary, or helping Verbs (by the way we marvel that the New Englanders do not call their servants auxiliaries instead of helps) are those, by the help of which we are chiefly enabled to conjugate our verbs in English. They are, do, be, have, shall, will, may, can, with their variations; and let and must, which have no variation.

Let, however, when it is anything but a helping verb, as, for instance, when it signifies to hinder, makes let-test and letteth. The phrase, "This House to Let," generally used instead of "to be let," meaning in fact, the reverse of what is intended to convey, is really a piece of comic English.

To verbs belong Number, Person, Mood, and Tense. These may be called the properties of a verb; and like those of opium, they are soporiferous properties. There are two very important objects which the writer of every book has, or ought to have in view, to get a reader who is wide awake, and to keep him so: – the latter of which, when Number, Person, Mood, and Tense are to be treated of, is no such easy matter; seeing that the said writer is then in some danger of going to sleep himself. Never mind. If we nod, let the reader wink. What can't be cured must be endured.

SECTION II. OF NUMBER AND PERSON

Verbs have two numbers, the Singular and the Plural: as, "I fiddle, we fiddle," &c.

In each number there are three persons; as,

SINGULAR. PLURAL.

First Person I love We love.

Second Person Thou lovest Ye or you love.

Third Person He loves They love.

What a deal there is in every Grammar about love! Here the following Lines, by a Young Lady, (now no more,) addressed to Lindley Murray, deserves to be recorded: —

"Oh, Murray! fatal name to me,

Thy burning page with tears is wet;

Since first 'to love' I learned of thee,

Teach me, ah! teach me to forget!'"

SECTION III. OF MOODS AND PARTICIPLES

Mood or Mode is a particular form of the verb, or a certain variation which it undergoes, showing the manner in which the being, action, or passion, is represented.

The moods of verbs are five, the Indicative, the Imperative, the Potential, the Subjunctive, and the Infinitive.

The Indicative Mood simply points out or declares a thing: as, "He teaches, he is taught or it asks a question: as, "Does he teach? Is he taught?"

Q. Why is old age the best teacher?

A. Because he gives you the most wrinkles.

Q. Why does a rope support a rope-dancer?

A. Because it is taught.

The Imperative Mood commands, exhorts, entreats, or permits: as, "Vanish thou; trot ye; let us hop; be off!"

The Potential Mood implies possibility or liberty, power, will, or obligation: as, "A waiter may be honest. Yuu may stand upon truth or lie. I can filch. He would cozen. They should learn."

The Subjunctive Mood is used to represent a thing as done conditionally; and is preceded by a conjunction, expressed or understood, and accompanied by another verb: as, "If the skies should fall, larks would be caught,"

"Were I to punch your head, I should serve you right: " that is, "if I were to punch your head."

The Infinitive Mood expresses a thing generally, without limitation, and without any distinction of number or person: as, "to quarrel, to fight, to be licked."

The Participle is a peculiar form of the verb, and is so called, because it participates in the properties both of a verb and of an adjective: as, "May I have the pleasure of dancing with you?"

"Mounted on a tub he addressed the bystanders."

"Having uplifted a stave, they departed."

The Participles are three; the Present or Active, the Perfect or Passive, and the Compound Perfect: as, "I felt nervous at the thought of popping the question, but that once popped, I was not sorry for having popped it."

The worst of popping the question is, that the report is always sure to get abroad.

SECTION IV. OF THE TENSES

Tense is the distinction of time, and consists of six divisions, namely, the Present, the Imperfect, the Perfect, the Pluperfect, and the First and Second Future Tenses.

Time is also distinguished by a fore-lock, scythe, and hour-glass; but the youthful reader must bear in mind, that these things are not to be confounded with tenses.

The Present Tense, as its name implies, represents an action or event occurring at the present time: as "I lament; rogues prosper; the mob rules."

The Imperfect Tense represents a past action or event, but which, like a mutton chop, may be either thoroughly done, or not thoroughly done; were it meet, we should say, under-done: as,

"When I was a little boy some fifteen years ago,

My mammy doted on me – Lork! she made me quite a show."

"When our reporter left, the Honorable Gentleman was still on his legs."

The legs of most "Honorable Gentlemen" must be tolerably stout ones; for the "majority" do not stand on trifles. However, we are not going to commit ourselves, like some folks, nor to get committed, like other folks; so we will leave "Honorable Gentlemen" to manage matters their own way.

The Perfect Tense declares a thing to have been done at some time, though an indefinite one, antecedent to the present time. That, however, which the Perfect Tense represents as done, is completely, or, as we say of a green one, when he is humbugged by the thimble-rig people, regularly done; as, "I have been out on the river."

"I have caught a crab." Catching a crab is a thing regularly (in another sense than completely) done, when civic swains pull young ladies up to Richmond. We beg to inform persons unacquainted with aquatic phraseology, that "pulling up" young ladies, or others, is a very different thing from "pulling up" an omnibus conductor or a cabman. What an equivocal language is ours! How much less agreeable to be "pulled up" at the Police office than to be "pulled up" in a row-boat! how wide the discrepancy between "pulling up" radishes and "pulling up" horses!

The Pluperfect Tense represents a thing as doubly past; that is, as past previously to some other point of time also past; as, "I fell in love before I had arrived at years of discretion."

The First Future Tense represents the action as yet to come, either at a certain or an uncertain time; as, "The tailor will send my coat home to-morrow; and when I find it perfectly convenient, I shall pay him." The Second Future intimates that the action will be completed at or before the time of another future action or event; as, "I wonder how many conquests I shall have made by to-morrow morning."

N. B. One ball is often the means of killing a great many people.

The consideration of the tenses suggests various moral reflections to the thinking mind. A couple of examples will perhaps suffice; —

1. Present, though moderate fruition, is preferable to splendid, but contingent futurity; i. e. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

2. Imperfect nutrition is less to be deprecated than privation of aliment; – a new way of putting an old proverb, which we need not again insert, respecting half a loaf.

SECTION V. THE CONJUGATION OF THE AUXILIARY VERBS TO HAVE AND TO BE

We have observed that boys, in conjugating verbs, give no indications of delight, except that which an ingenious disposition always feels in the acquisition of knowledge. Now, having arrived at that part of the Grammar in which it becomes necessary that these same verbs should be considered, we feel ourselves in an awkward dilemma. The omission of the conjugations is a serious omission – which, of course, is objectionable in a comic work – and the insertion of them would be equally serious, and therefore quite as improper. What shall we do? We will adopt a middle course; referring the reader to Murray and other talented authors for full information on these matters; and requesting him to be content with our confining ourselves to what is more especially suitable to these pages – a glance at the Comicalities of verbs.

If being a youngster I had not been smitten,

Of having been jilted I should not complain,

Take warning from me all ye lads who are bitten,

When this part of Grammar occurs to your brain.

As there is a certain intensity of feeling abroad, which renders people indisposed to trouble themselves with verbal matters, we shall take the liberty of making very short work of the Regular Verbs. Even Murray can only afford to conjugate one example, – To Love. The learner must amplify this part of the Grammar for himself: and we recommend him to substitute for "to love," some word less harrowing to a sensitive mind: as, "to fleece, to tax," verbs which excite disagreeable emotions only in a sordid one; and which also, by association of ideas, conduct us to useful reflections on Political Economy. We advise all whom it may concern, however, to pay the greatest attention to this part of the Grammar, and before they come to the Verbs Regular, to make a particular study of the Auxiliary Verbs: not only for the excellent reasons set forth, in "Tristram Shandy," but also to avoid those awkward mistakes in which the Comicalities of the Verbs, or Verbal Comicalities, chiefly consist.

"Did it rain to-morrow?" asked Monsieur Grenouille.

"Yes it was!" replied Monsieur Crapaud.

We propose the following as an auxiliary mode of conjugating verbs: – "I love to roam on the crested foam, Thou lovest to roam on the crested foam, He loves to roam on the crested foam, We love to roam on the crested foam, Ye or you love to roam on the crested foam, They love to roam on the crested foam," &c.

The Auxiliary Verbs, too, are very useful when a peculiar emphasis is required: as, "I shall give you a drubbing!"

"Will you?"

"I know a trick worth two of that."

"Do you, though?"

"It might" as the Quaker said to the Yankee, who wanted to know what his name might be; "it might be Beelzebub, but it is not."

Now we may as well say what we have to say about the conjugation of regular verbs active.

SECTION VI. THE CONJUGATION OF REGULAR VERBS ACTIVE

Regular Verbs Active are known by their forming their imperfect tense of the indicative mood, and their perfect participle, by adding to the verb ed, or d only when the verb ends in e: as,

PRESENT. IMPERFECT. PERF. PARTICPL.

I reckon I reckoned. Reckoned.

I realise. I realised. Realised.

Here should follow the conjugation of the regular active verb, To Love; but we have already assigned a good reason for omitting it; besides which we have to say, that we think it a verb highly unfit for conjugation by youth, as it tends to put ideas into their heads which they would otherwise never have thought of; and it is moreover our opinion, that several of our most gifted poets may, with reason, have attributed the so unfortunate attachments which, though formed in early youth, served to embitter their whole lives, to the poison which they thus sucked in with the milk, so to speak, of their Mother Tongue, the Grammar.

We shall therefore dismiss Cupid, and he must look for other lodgings.

PASSIVE

Verbs Passive are said to be regular, when their perfect participle is formed by the addition of d, or ed to the verb: as, from the verb "To bless," is formed the passive, "I am blessed, I was blessed, I shall be blessed," &c.

The conjugation of a passive verb is nothing more than the repetition of that of the auxiliary To Be, the perfect participle being added.

And now, having cut the regular verbs (as Alexander did the Gordian knot) instead of conjugating them, let us proceed to consider the

SECTION VII. IRREGULAR VERBS

Irregular Verbs are those of which the imperfect tense and the perfect participle are not formed by adding d or ed to the verb: as,

PRESENT. IMPERFECT. PERFECT PART

I blow. I blew. blown.

To say I am blown, is, under certain circumstances, such as windy and tempestuous weather, proper enough; but I am blowed, it will at once be perceived, is not only an ungrammatical, but also a vulgar expression.

Great liberties are taken with the Irregular Verbs, insomuch that in the mouths of some persons, divers of them become doubly irregular in the formation of their participles. Among such Irregular Verbs we may enumerate the following: —

PRESENT. IMPERFECT. PERF. OR PASS. PART

Am wur bin.

Burst bust busted.

PRESENT. IMPERFECT. PERF. OR PASS. PART

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SECTION VIII. OF DEFECTIVE VERBSMost men have five senses,

Most verbs have six tenses;

But as there are some folks Who are blind, deaf, or dumb folks,

Just so there are some verbs Defective, or rum verbs, which are used only in some of their moods and tenses.

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CHAPTER VII. OF ADVERBS

Having as great a dislike as the youngest of our readers can have to repetitions, we shall not say what an adverb is over again. It is, nevertheless, right to observe, that some adverbs are compared: as, far, farther, farthest; near, nearer, nearest. In comparing those which end in ly, we use more and most: as, slowly, more slowly, most slowly.

There are a great many adverbs in the English Language: their number is probably even greater than that of abusive epithets. They are divisible into certain classes; the chief of which are Number, Order, Place, Time, Quantity, Manner or Quality, Doubt, Affirmation, Negation, Interrogation, and Comparison.

A nice little list, truly! and perhaps some of our readers may suppose that we are going to exemplify it at length: if so, all we can say with regard to their expectation is, that we wish they may get it gratified. In the meantime, we will not turn our Grammar into a dictionary, to please anybody. However, we have no objection to a brief illustration of the uses and properties of adverbs, as contained in the following passage: —

"Formerly, when first I began to preach and to teach, whithersoever I went, the little boys followed me, and now and then pelted me with brick-bats, as heretofore they pelted Ebenezer Grimes. And whensoever I opened my mouth, straightways the ungodly began to crow. Oftentimes was I hit in the mouth with an orange: yea, and once, moreover, with a rotten egg: whereat there was much laughter, which, notwithstanding, I took in good part, and wiped my face and looked pleasantly. For peradventure I said, they will listen to my sermon; yea, and after that we may have a collection. So I was nowise discomfited; wherefore I advise thee, Brother Habakkuk, to take no heed of thy persecutors, seeing that I, whereas I was once little better off than thyself, have now a chapel of mine own. And herein let thy mind be comforted, that, preach as much as thou wilt against the Bishop, thou wilt not, therefore, in these days, be in danger of the pillory. Howbeit," &c.

Vide Life of the late pious and Rev. Samuel Simcox (letter to Habakkuk Brown.)

CHAPTER VIII. OF PREPOSITIONS

Prepositions are, for the most part, put before nouns and pronouns: as, "out of the frying-pan into the fire."

The preposition of is sometimes used as a part of speech of peculiar signification, and one to which no name has as yet been applied: as, "What you been doing of?"

At and up are not rarely used as verbs, but we should scarcely have been justified in so classing them by the authority of any polite writer; such use of them being confined to the vulgar: as, "Now then, Bill, at him again."

"So she upped with her fists, and fetched him a whop."

After is improperly pronounced arter, and against, agin: as, "Hallo! Jim, vot are you arter? don't you know that ere's agin the Law?"

CHAPTER IX. OF CONJUNCTIONS

A Conjunction means literally, a union or meeting together

An ill-assorted marriage is A COMICAL CONJUNCTION.

But our conjunctions are used to connect words and sentences, and have nothing to do with the joining of hands. They are chiefly of two sorts, the Copulative and Disjunctive.

The Copulative Conjunction is employed for the connection or continuation of a sentence: as, "Jack and Gill went up the Hill,"

"I will sing a song if Gubbins will."

"A thirsty man is like a Giant because he is a Grog for drink."

The Conjunction Disjunctive is used not only for purposes of connection, but also to express opposition of meaning in different degrees: as, "We pay less for our letters, but shall have to pay more for our coats: they have lightened our postage, but they will increase our taxes.

Conjunctions are the hooks and eyes of Language, in which, as well as in dress, it is very possible to make an awkward use of them: as, "For if the year consist of 365 days 6 hours, and January have 31 days, then the relation between the corpuscular theory of light and the new views of Mr. Owen is at once subverted: for 'When Ignorance is bliss, 'tis folly to be wise because 1760 yards make a mile; and it is universally acknowledged that 'war is the madness of many for the gain of a few therefore Sir Isaac Newton was right in supposing the diamond to be combustible." The Siamese twins, it must be admitted, form a singular conjunction.

A tin pot fastened to a dog's tail is a disagreeable conjunction to the unfortunate animal.

A happy pair may be regarded as an uncommon conjunction.

The word as, so often used in this and other Grammars, is a conjunction: as, "Mrs. A. is as well as can be expected."

CHAPTER X. OF DERIVATION

Those who know Latin, Greek, Saxon, and the other languages from which our own is formed, do not require to be instructed in philological derivation; and on those who do not understand the said tongues, such instruction would be thrown away. In what manner English words are derived, one from another, the generality of persons know very well: there are, however, a few words and phrases, which it is expedient to trace to their respective sources; not only because such an exercise is of itself delightful to the inquiring mind; but because we shall thereby be furnished (as we hope to show) with a test by means of which, on hearing an expression for the first time, we shall be able, in most instances, to decide at once respecting its nature and quality.

These words, of which many have but recently come into vogue, which, though by no means improper or immoral, are absolutely unutterable in any polite assembly. It is not, at first, very easy to see what can be the objection to their use; but derivation explains it for us in the most satisfactory manner. The truth is, that the expressions in question take their origin from various trades and occupations, in which they have for the most part, a literal meaning; and we now perceive what horrible suspicions respecting one's birth, habits, and education, their figurative employment would be likely to excite. To make the matter indisputably clear, we will explain our position by a few examples.

WORDS AND PHRASES. WHAT DERIVED FROM

To be done, Cooks.

To be done brown, Ditto.

A sell, (a cheat,) Jews.

To lather (to beat,) Barbers.

To strap (ditto,) Cobblers.

To hide (ditto,) Curriers.

Spicy (showy,) Grocers.

To hang out (to dwell,) Publicans.

Swamped (ruined,) Watermen.

To put one's oar in (to interfere,) Ditto.

Mahogany (for table,) Upholsterers.

Dodge (trick,) Pickpockets.

To bung up an eye, Brewers.

To chalk down, Publicans.

A close shaver (a miser,) Barbers.

To be off your feed, Ostlers.

Hold hard (stop,) Omnibus-men.

Numerous examples, similar to the foregoing, will, no doubt, present themselves, in addition, to the mind of the enlightened student. We have not, however, quite done yet with our remarks on this division of our subject. The intrinsic vulgarity of all modes of speech which may be traced to mean or disreputable persons, will, of course, not be questioned. But – and as we have got hold of a nice bone, we may as well get all the marrow we can out of it – the principle which is now under consideration has a much wider range than is apparent at first sight.