The Comic English Grammar: A New And Facetious Introduction To The English Tongue

8. Prepositions serve to connect words together, and to show the relation between them: as, "Off with his head, so much for Buckingham!"

9. A Conjunction is used to connect not only words, but sentences also: as, Smith and Jones are happy be~ cause they are single. A miss is as good as a mile.

10. An Interjection is a short word denoting passion or emotion: as, 'Oh, Sophonisba! Sophonisba, oh!" Pshaw! Pish! Pooh! Bah! Ah! Au! Eughph! Yaw! Hum! Ha! Lauk! La! Lor! Heigho! Well! There! &c.

Among the foregoing interjections there may, perhaps, be some unhonored by the adoption of genius, and unknown in the domains of literature. For the present notice of them some apology may be required, but little will be given; their insertion may excite astonishment, but their omission would have provoked complaint: though unprovided with a Johnsonian title to a place in the English vocabulary, they have long been recognised by the popular voice; and let it be remembered, that as custom supplies the defects of legislation, so that which is not sanctioned by magisterial authority may nevertheless be justified by vernacular usage.

CHAPTER II. OF THE ARTICLES

The Articles in English are two, a and the; a becomes an before a vowel, and before an h which is not sounded: as, an exquisite, an hour-glass. But if the h be pronounced, the a only is used: as, a homicide, a homoepathist, a hum.

A or an is called the indefinite article, because it is used, in a vague sense, to point out some one thing belonging to a certain kind, but in other respects indeterminate; as,

"A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse!"

So say grammarians. Eating-house keepers tell a different story. A cheese, in common discourse, means an object of a certain shape, size, weight, and so on, entire and perfect; so that to call half a cheese a cheese, would constitute a flaw in an indictment against a thief who had stolen one. But a waiter will term a fraction, or a modicum of cheese, a cheese; a plate-full of pudding, a pudding; and a stick of celery, a salary. Here we are reminded of the famous exclamation of one of these gentry: – "Sir! there's two teas and a brandy-and-water just sloped without paying!" The is termed the definite article, inasmuch as it denotes what particular thing or things are meant as,

"The miller he stole corn,

The weaver he stole yarn,

And the little tailor he stole broad-cloth

To keep the three rogues warm."

A substantive to which no article is prefixed is taken in a general sense; as, "Applesauce is proper for goose that is, for all geese.

A few additional remarks may advantageously be made with respect to the articles. The mere substitution of the definite for the indefinite article is capable of changing entirely the meaning of a sentence. "That is a ticket" is the assertion of a certain fact; but "That is the ticket!" means something which is quite different.

The article is not prefixed to a proper name; as, Stubbs, Wiggins, Brown or Hobson, except for the sake of distinguishing a particular family, or description of persons; as, He is a Burke; that is, one of the Burkes, or a person resembling Burke.

The definite article is frequently used with adverbs in the comparative and superlative degree: as, "The longer I live, the taller, I grow or, as we have all heard the showman say, "This here, gentlemen and ladies, is the vonderful heagle of the sun; the 'otterer it grows, the higherer he flies!"

CHAPTER III

SECTION I. OF SUBSTANTIVES IN GENERALSubstantives are either proper or common

Proper names, or substantives, are the names belonging to individuals: as William, Birmingham.

These are sometimes converted into nicknames, of improper names: as Bill, Brummagem.

Common names, or substantives, denote kinds containing many sorts, or sorts containing many individual» under them: as brute, beast, bumpkin, cherub, infant, goblin, &c.

Proper names, when an article is prefixed to them, are employed as common names: as, "They thought him a perfect Chesterfield; he quite astonished the Browns."

Common names, on the other hand, are made to denote individuals, by the addition of articles or pronouns: as,

"There was a little man, and he had little gun."

"That boy will be the death of me!"

Substantives are considered according to gender, number, and case; they are all of the third person when spoken of, and of the second when spoken to; as,

Matilda, fairest maid, who art

In countless bumpers toasted,

O let thy pity baste the heart

Thy fatal charms have roasted!

SECTION II. OF GENDER

The distinction between nouns with regard to sex is called Gender. There are three genders: the Masculine, the Feminine, and the Neuter.

The masculine gender belongs to animals of the male kind: as, a fop, a jackass, a boar, a poet, a lion.

The feminine gender is peculiar to animals of the female kind: as, a poetess, a lioness, a goose.

The neuter gender is that of objects which are neither males nor females: as, a toast, a tankard, a pot, a pipe, a pudding, a pie, a sausage, &c. &c. &c.

We might go on to enumerate an infinity of objects of the neuter gender, of all sorts and kinds; but in the selection of the foregoing examples we have been guided by two considerations: —

1. The desire of exciting agreeable emotions in the mind of the reader.

2. The wish to illustrate the following proposition, "That almost everything nice is also neuter."

Except, however, a nice young lady, a nice duck, and one or two other nice things, which we do not at present remember.

Some neuter substantives are by a figure of speech converted into the masculine or feminine gender: thus we say of the sun, that when he shines upon a Socialist, t he shines upon a thief; and of the moon, that she affects the minds of lovers.

There are certain nouns with which notions of strength, vigor, and the like qualities, are more particularly connected; and these are the neuter substantives which are figuratively rendered masculine. On the other hand, beauty, amiability, and so forth, are held to invest words with a feminine character. Thus the sun is said to be masculine, and the moon feminine. But for our own part, and our view is confirmed by the discoveries of astronomy, we believe that the sun is called masculine from his supporting and sustaining the moon, and finding her the wherewithal to shine away as she does of a night, when all quiet people are in bed; and from his being obliged to keep such a family of stars besides.

The moon, we think, is accounted feminine, because she is thus maintained and kept up in her splendor, like a fine lady, by her husband the sun. Furthermore, the moon is continually changing; on which account alone she might be referred to the feminine gender. The earth is feminine, tricked out, as she is, with gems and flowers. Cities and towns are likewise feminine, because there are as many windings, turnings, and little odd corners in them as there are in the female mind. A ship is feminine, inasmuch as she is blown about by every wind. Virtue is feminine by courtesy. Fortune and misfortune, like mother and daughter, are both feminine. The Church is feminine, because she is married to the state; or married to the state because she is feminine – we do not know which. Time is masculine, because he is so trifled with by the ladies.

The English language distinguishes the sex in three manners; namely,

1. By different words; as,

MALE. FEMALE.

Bachelor Maid.

Brother Sister.

Wizard Father And several other

Witch Mother, &c.

Words we don't mention,

(Pray pardon the crime,)

Worth your attention,

But wanting in rhyme.

2. By a difference of termination; as,

MALE. FEMALÉ.

Poet Poetess.

Lion Lioness, &c.

3. By a noun, pronoun, or adjective being prefixed to the substantive;

as, male. female.

A cock-lobster A hen-lobster.

A jack-ass A jenny-ass (vernacular.)

A man-servant, A maid-servant, or flunkey. or Abigail.

A male flirt (A common animal) A female flirt (A rare animal.)

We have heard it said, that every Jack has his Jill. That may be; but it is by no means true that every cock has his hen; for there is a

Cock-swain, but no Hen-swain.

Cock-eye, but no Hen-eye.

Cock-ade, but no Hen-ade.

Cock-atrice, but no Hen-atrice.

Cock-horse, but no Hen-horse.

Cock-ney, but no Hen-ney.

Then we have a weather-cock, but no weather-hen; a tum-cock, but no turn-hen; and many a jolly cock, but not one jolly hen; unless we except some of those by whom their mates are pecked.

Some words; as, parent, child, cousin, friend, neighbour, servant and several others, are either male or female, according to circumstances.

It is a great pity that our language is so poor in the terminations that denote gender. Were we to say of a woman that she is a rogue, a knave, a scamp, or a vagabond, we feel that we should use, not only strong but improper expressions. Yet we have no corresponding terms to apply, in case of necessity, to the female. Why is this? Doubtless because we never want them. For the same reason, our forefathers transmitted to us the words, philosopher, astronomer, philologer, and so forth, without any feminine equivalent. Alas! for the wisdom of our ancestors! They never calculated on the March of Intellect.

SECTION III. OF NUMBER

Number is the consideration of an object as one or more; as, one poet, two, three, four, five poets; and so on, ad infinitum.

The singular number expresses one object only; as a towel, a viper.

The plural signifies more objects than one; as, towels, vipers.

Some nouns are used only in the singular number; dirt, pitch, tallow, grease, filth, butter, asparagus, &c.; others only in the plural; as, galligaskins, breeches, &c.

Some words are the same in both numbers; as, sheep, swine, and some others.

The plural number of nouns is usually formed by adding s to the singular; as, dove, doves, love, loves, &c.

Julia, dove returns to dove,

Quid pro quo, and love for love;

Happy in our mutual loves,

Let us live like turtle doves!

When, however, the substantive singular ends in x, ch softy sh, ss, or s, we add es in the plural.

But remember, though box

In the plural makes boxes,

That the plural of ox

Should be oxen, not oxes.

SECTION IV. OF CASE

There is nearly as much difference between Latin and English substantives, with respect to the number of cases pertaining to each, as there is between a quack-doctor and a physician; for while in Latin sub-stantives have six cases, in English they have but three. But the analogy should not be strained too far; for the fools in the world (who furnish the quack with his cases) more than double the number of the wise.

The cases of substantives are these: the Nominative, the Possessive or Genitive, and the Objective or Accusative.

The Nominative Case merely expresses the name of a thing, or the subject of the verb: as, "The doctors differ;" – "The patient dies!"

Possession, which is nine points of the law, is what is signified by the Possessive Case. This case is distinguished by an apostrophe, with the letter s subjoined to it: as, My soul's idol!" – "A pudding's end."

But when the plural ends in s, the apostrophe only is retained, and the other s is omitted: as, "The Ministers' Step;" – "The Rogues' March;" – "Crocodiles' tears – "Butchers' mourning."

When the singular terminates in ss, the letter s is sometimes, in like manner, dispensed with: as, "For goodness' sake!" – "For righteousness' sake!" Nevertheless, we have no objection to "Burgess's" Stout.

The Objective Case follows a verb active, and expresses the object of an action, or of a relation: as "Spring beat Bill;" that is, Bill or "William Neate." Hence, perhaps, the phrase, "I'll lick you elegant." The Objective Case is also used with a preposition: as, "You are in a mess."

English substantives may be declined in the following manner:

SINGULAR

What is the nominative case

Of her who used to wash your face,

Your hair to comb, your boots to lace?

A mother!

What the possessive?

Whose the slap

That taught you not to spill your pap,

Or to avoid a like mishap!

A mother's!

And shall I the objective show?

What do I hear where'er I go?

How is your? – whom they mean I know,

My mother!

PLURAL

Who are the anxious watchers o'er

The slumbers of a little bore,

That screams whene'er it doesn't snore?

Why, mothers! Whose pity wipes its piping eyes,

And stills maturer childhood's cries,

Stopping its mouth with cakes and pies?

Oh! mother's!

And whom, when master, fierce and fell,

Dusts truant varlets' jackets well,

Whom do they, roaring, run and tell?

Their mothers!

CHAPTER IV. OF ADJECTIVES

SECTION I. OF THE NATURE OF ADJECTIVES AND THE DEGREES OF COMPARISON

An English Adjective, whatever may be its gender, number, or case, like a rusty weathercock, never varies. Thus we say, "A certain cabinet; certain rogues." But as a rusty weathercock may vary in being more or less rusty, so an adjective varies in the degrees of comparison.

The degrees of comparison, like the Genders, the Graces, the Fates, the Kings of Cologne, the Weird Sisters, and many other things, are three; the Positive, the Comparative, and the Superlative.

The Positive state simply expresses the quality of an object; as, fat, ugly, foolish.

The Comparative degree increases or lessens the signification of the positive; as fatter, uglier, more foolish, less foolish.

The Superlative decree increases or lessens the positive to the highest or lowest degree; as fattest, ugliest, most foolish, least foolish.

Amongst the ancients, Ulysses must have been the fattest, because nobody could compass him.

Aristides the Just was the ugliest, because he was so very plain.

The most foolish, undoubtedly, was Homer; for who was more natural than he?

The positive becomes the comparative by the addition of r or er; and the superlative by the addition of st or est to the end of it; as, brown, browner, brownest; stout, stouter, stoutest; heavy, heavier, heaviest; wet, wetter, wettest. The adverbs more and most, prefixed to the adjective, also form the superlative degree; as, heavy, more heavy, most heavy.

Monosyllables are usually compared by er and est, and dissyllables by more and most; except dissyllables ending in y or in le before a mute, or those which are accented on the last syllable; for these, like monosyllables, easily admit of er and est. But these terminations are scarcely ever used in comparing words of more than two syllables.

We have some words, which, from custom, are irregular in respect of comparison; as, good, better, best; bad, worse, worst, &c.; but the Yankee's "notion" of comparison was decidedly funny; "My uncle's a tarnation rogue; but I'm a tarnationer."

SECTION II. A FEW REMARKS ON THE SUBJECT OF COMPARISON

Lindley Murray judiciously observes, that "if we consider the subject of comparison attentively, we shall perceive that the degrees of it are infinite in number, or at least indefinite: " and he proceeds to say, "A mountain is larger than a mite; by how many degrees? How much bigger is the earth than a grain of sand? By how many degrees was Socrates wiser than Alci-biades? or by how many is snow whiter than this paper? It is plain," quoth Lindley, "that to these and the like questions no definite answers can be returned."

No; but an impertinent one may. Ask the first news-boy you meet, any one of these questions, and see if he does not immediately respond, 'Ax my eye or, "As much again as half."

But when quantity can be exactly measured, the degrees of excess may be exactly ascertained. A foot is just twelve times as long as an inch; a tailor is nine times less than a man.

Moreover, to compensate for the indefiniteness of the degrees of comparison, we use certain adverbs and words of like import, whereby we render our meaning tolerably intelligible; as, "Byron was a much greater poet than Muggins."

"Honey is a great deal sweeter than wax."

"Sugar is considerably more pleasant than the cane."

"Maria says, that Dick the butcher is by far the most killing young man she knows."

The words very, exceedingly, and the like, placed before the positive, give it the force of the superlative; and this is called by some the superlative of eminence, as distinguished from the superlative of comparison. Thus, Very Reverend is termed the superlative of eminence, although it is the title of a dean, not of a cardinal; and Most Reverend, the appellation of an Archbishop, is called the superlative of comparison.

A Bishop, in our opinion, is Most Excellent.

The comparative is sometimes so employed as to express the same pre-eminence or inferiority as the superlative. For instance; the sentence, "Of all the cultivators of science, the botanist is the most crafty," has the same meaning as the following: "The botanist is more crafty than any other cultivator of science." Why? some of our readers will ask —

Because he is acquainted with all sorts of plants.

CHAPTER V. OF PRONOUNS

Pronouns or proxy-nouns are of three kinds; namely, the Personal, the Relative, and the Adjective Pronouns.

Note. – That when we said, some few pages back, that a pronoun was a word used instead of a noun, we did not mean to call such words as thingumibob, what-siname, what-d'ye-call-it, and the like, pronouns.

And that, although we shall proceed to treat of the pronouns in the English language, we shall have nothing to do, at present, with what some people please to call pronoun-ciation.

SECTION I. OF THE PERSONAL PRONOUNS|Mr. Addams, don't be personal, Sir!"

"I'm not, Sir."

"You am, Sir!"

"What did I say, Sir? – tell me that."

"You reflected on my perfession, Sir; you said, as there was some people as always stuck up for the cloth; and you insinnivated that certain parties dined off goose by means of cabbaging fiom their customers. I ask any gentleman in the room, if that an't personal.

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"Veil, Sir, vot I says I'll stick to."

"Yes, Sir, like vax, as the saying is."

"Wot d'ye mean by that, Sir?"

"Wot I say, Sir!"

"You 're a individual, Sir!"

"You 're another, Sir!"

"You 're no gentleman, Sir!"

"You 're a humbug, Sir!"

"You 're a knave, Sir!"

"You 're a rogue, Sir!"

"You 're a wagabond, Sir!"

"You 're a willain, Sir!"

"You 're a tailor, Sir!"

"You 're a cobler, Sir!" (Order! order! chair! chair! &c.

The above is what is called personal language. How many different things one word serves to express in English! A pronoun may be as personal as possible, and yet nobody will take offence at it.

There are five Personal Pronouns; namely, I, thou, he, she, it; with their plurals, we, ye or you, they.

Personal Pronouns admit of person, number, gender, and case.

Pronouns have three persons in each number.

In the Singular;

I, is the first person.

Thou, is the second person.

He, she, or it, is the third person.

In the plural;

We, is the first person.

Ye or you, is the second person.

They, is the third person.

This account of persons will be very intelligible when the following Pastoral Fragment is reflected on:

HE

I love thee, Susan, on my life:

Thou art the maiden for a wife.

He who lives single is an ass;

She who ne'èr weds a luckless lass.

It's tiresome work to live alone;

So come with me, and be my own.

SHE

We maids are oft by men deceived;

Ye don't deserve to be believed;

You don't – but there's my hand – heigho!

They tell us, women can't say no!

The speaker or speakers are of the first person; those spoken to, of the second; and those spoken of, of the third.

Of the three persons, the first is the most universally admired.

The second is the object of much adulation and flattery, and now and then of a little abuse.

The third person is generally made small account of; and, amongst other grievances, suffers a great deal from being frequently bitten about the back.

The Numbers of pronouns, like those of substantives, are, as we have already seen, two; the singular and the plural.

In addressing yourself to anybody, it is customary to use the second person plural instead of the singular. This practice most probably arose from a notion, that to be thought twice the man that the speaker was, gratified the vanity of the person addressed. Thus, the French put a double Monsieur on the backs of their letters.

Editors say "We," instead of "I," out of modesty.

The Quakers continue to say "thee" and "thou," in the use of which pronouns, as well as in the wearing of broad-brimmed hats and of stand-up collars, they perceive a peculiar sanctity.

Gender has to do only with the third person singular of the pronouns, he, she, it. He is masculine; she is feminine; it is neuter.

Pronouns have the like cases with substantives; the nominative, the possessive, and the objective.

Would that they were the hardest cases to be met with in this country!

The personal pronouns are thus declined: —

CASE. FIRST PERSON SINGULAR. FIRST PERSON PLURAL.

Nom. I We.

Poss. Mine Ours.

Obj. Me Us.

CASE. SECOND PERSON. SECOND PERSON.

Nom. Thou Ye or you.

Poss. Thine Yours.

Obj. Thee You.

Now the third person singular, as we before observed, has genders; and we shall therefore decline it in a different way. Variety is charming.

THIRD PERSON SINGULAR

CASE. MASC. FEM. NEUT.

Nom. He She It.

Poss. His Hers Its.

Obj. Him Her It.

CASE. PLURAL.

Nom. They.

Poss. Theirs.

Obj. Them.

We beg to inform thee, that the third person plural has no distinction of gender.

SECTION II. OF THE RELATIVE PRONOUNS

The Pronouns called Relative are such as relate, for the most part, to some word or phrase, called the antecedent, on account of its going before: they are, who, which, and that: as, "The man who does not drink enough when he can get it, is a fool: but he that drinks too much is a beast."

What is usually equivalent to that which, and is, therefore, a kind of compound relative, containing both the antecedent and the relative; as, "You want what you'll very soon have!" that is to say, the thing which you will very soon have.

Who is applied to persons, which to animals and things without life; as, "He is a gentleman who keeps a horse and lives respectably." To the dog which pinned the old woman, they cried, 'Cosar!'"

That, as a relative, is used to prevent the too frequent repetition of who and which, and is applied both to persons and things; as, He that stops the bottle is a Cork man."

"This is the house that Jack built."

Who is of both numbers; and so is an Editor; for, according to what we observed just now, he is both singular and plural. Who, we repeat, is of both numbers, and is thus declined: —

SINGULAR AND PLURAL

To despair shall I doom? Which, that and what are indeclinable; except that whose is sometimes used as the possessive case of which;

"The roe, poor dear, laments amain,

Whose sweet hart was by hunter slain."

Who, which, and what, when they are used in asking questions, are called Interrogatives; as, "Who is Mr. Walker?". "Which is the left side of a round plum-pudding?"

"What is the damage?"

Those who, have made popular phraseology their study, will have found that which is sometimes used for whereas, and words of like signification; as in Dean Swift's "Mary the Cookmaid's Letter to Dr. Sheridan:"