English Jests and Anecdotes

REASON TO BE THANKFUL

A very worthy, though not particularly erudite, underwriter at Lloyd’s, was conversing one day with a friend in the coffee-house on the subject of a ship they had mutually insured. His friend observed, “Do you know that I shrewdly suspect our ship is in jeopardy?” “The devil she is,” replied he, “well, I’m glad that she’s got into some port at last.”

WILKES

At the period of Wilkes’s popularity, every wall bore his name, and every window his portrait. In china, in bronze, or in marble, he stood upon the chimney-pieces of half the houses of the metropolis? he swung upon the sign-post of every village, of every great road throughout the country. He used himself to tell, with much glee, of a monarchical old lady, behind whom he accidently walked, looking up, and murmuring within his hearing, in much spleen, “He swings everywhere but where he ought!” Wilkes passed her, and, turning round, politely bowed.

INSCRIPTION FOR AN APOTHECARY

The following was, in consequence of an evening’s frolic, inscribed by some wags of Oxford, over an apothecary’s door: —

Hic venditurCatharticum, Emeticum, Narcoticum,Et omne quod exit in um,PræterRemediumWIT IN A FOOTMAN

“How do you like your new place, Jack?” said a smart liveried footman, to an old fellow-servant whom he met in Pall Mall, bearing one of the lottery placards. “Pretty well,” replied the other: “if it’s not quite so genteel as yours, it is more independent; for, don’t you see, I get seventeen shillings per week, and my board,” pointing to the notice on his shoulder.

THE COUNTER-SIGN

When those trusty defenders of the country, the Tower Hamlets militia, were doing duty, a fat shopkeeper having fallen asleep when sentry, was called upon to give the watchword. “The watchword!” said another; “ask him for the counter-sign.”

MAKING MONEY GO FAR

Foote and Garrick were at the tavern together, when the former, pulling out his purse to pay the reckoning, asked the other what he should do with a light guinea he had? “Pshaw! it is worth nothing,” says Garrick; “fling it to the devil!” “Well, David,” says the other, “you are what I always took you for, ever contriving to make a guinea go further than any other man.”

COUNSEL’S OPINION

An eminent barrister had a case sent to him for an opinion. The case stated was the most preposterous and improbable that had ever occurred to the mind of man, and concluded by asking, whether, under such circumstances, an action would lie? He took his pen, and wrote, – “Yes if the witnesses will lie too; but not otherwise.”

DEAN SWIFT’S OPINION OF FAULTS

Dean Swift had a shoulder of mutton brought up for his dinner, too much done: he sent for the cook, and told her to take the mutton down, and do it less. “Please your honour, I cannot do it less.” “But,” says the Dean, “if it had not been done enough, you could have done it more, could you not?” “Oh, yes! very easily.” “Why, then,” says the Dean, “for the future, when you commit a fault, let it be such a one as can be mended.”

PLAYING THE FOOL

A lady beating a tune on a table, as destitute of harmony as time, asked another, if she knew what she played? “I do,” answered she; “you play the fool.”

EASIER TO MAKE THAN MEND

Pope, one night crossing the street from Button’s coffee-house, when the moon occasionally peeped through a cloud, was accosted by a link-boy, with “Light, your honour; Light, your honour!” He repeatedly exclaimed, “I don’t want you.” But the lad still following him, he peevishly cried out, “Get about your business, God mend me! I will not give you a farthing; it’s light enough.” “It’s light enough!” echoed the lad; “what’s light enough? your head or your pocket? God mend you, indeed! it would be easier for God Almighty to make two men, than mend one such as you.”

WILLIAM DUKE OF CUMBERLAND

Foote rattling away one evening in his green-room with great wit and brilliancy, as usual, the Duke of Cumberland, who was present, and seemed highly entertained, cried out, “Well, Foote, you see I swallow all your good things.” “Do you, my Lord Duke,” says the other; “why, then, I congratulate you on your digestion; for, by G – d, I believe you never threw up one of them in your life.”

SHERIDAN

When Sheridan’s life was to be insured, Mr. Aaron Graham, the magistrate, was applied to, in order to know whether Mr. Sheridan was, at that period, living a more regular life than usual. “I believe he is,” said the justice; “but understand me; I think he is more regularly tipsy, every night now, than he has been for several years past.”

A TRAFALGAR ANECDOTE

The Belleisle, Captain Haywood, when dismasted, was attacked by five ships at once. Captain H. finding himself thus assailed, looked over the gangway, and, shaking his head at his enemies, involuntarily ejaculated, “I’ll not strike for any of you – no, that I won’t.” A dauntless old quarter-master, who was the captain of the foremast gun on the quarterdeck, hearing what his captain said, immediately remarked, “Who the devil asked you?”

MACPHERSON

When Macpherson’s Homer came out (a book universally decried for a bombastical, affected style), a lady remarked one evening, in a large company, to Dr. Johnson, that she had been endeavouring to read it, but the style appeared so old, she could not go through it with any satisfaction. “You are perfectly right, madam,” says Johnson; “it is as old as the building of Babel.”

WRITING DOWN A CHARACTER

Much about the time of the universal damnation of the above book, the Lord Advocate of Scotland, being in company with a number of beaux esprits, after haranguing with great vehemence and nationality on the general talents of Mr. Macpherson, he asserted there was not a man in England had ever the knack of writing down a character more than he had. “I believe it most sincerely,” says a gentleman present; “and I think he has given a very recent proof of it, by writing down one of the first characters of all antiquity.”

APT QUOTATION

Dr. Paris, author of the well-known work on Diet, observing many of the miners in Cornwall to be deprived of legs and arms, and otherwise maimed, inquired the cause, and was shocked to learn that these men had been exposed for ages to the greatest dangers, from their using a metal in their excavations, which sometimes struck fire, and exploded the blasts prematurely. He immediately suggested a metal which was equally fitted for their trade, and was not liable to this dreadful objection. The poor men, truly grateful for his kindness, afterwards presented him with a piece of plate; on which was the following singularly apt and happy quotation from Virgil: —

“ – Manet altâ mente repostumJudicium Paridis, spretæque injuria formæ.”A DYING WIT

An English judge, when about to administer the oath to a dyer, observing his hand to be dark, called out, “Take off your glove.” The dyer, whose hand only bore the usual stain of his profession, promptly rejoined, “Put on your spectacles.”

DRAWINGS OF CORK

Jack Bannister, praising the hospitality of the Irish, after his return from one of his trips to the sister kingdom, was asked if he had been in Cork. “No,” replied the wit, “but I saw a great many drawings of it.”

RELIGION OF SEA CHAPLAINS

When the Earl of Clancarty was captain of a man-of-war, and was cruising off the coast of Guinea, he happened to lose his chaplain, who was carried off by a fever; on which the lieutenant, who was a Scotchman, gave him notice of it, saying at the same time, “that he was sorry to inform him he had died a Roman Catholic.” “Well, so much the better,” said his lordship. “Hout awa, my lord; how can you say so of a British clergyman?” “Why,” said his lordship, “because I believe I am the first captain of a man-of-war that could boast of having a chaplain who had any religion at all.”

A SCOTCH MOON

An English lady was on a visit to a friend in Edinburgh, who was at great pains to point out to her all the delightful prospects of that romantic city. The stranger, assuming an air of consequence, generally answered, “’Tis very well for a Scotch view!” One delightful evening, walking along Queen Street, while the autumnal moon shone with uncommon lustre, her friend could not help expressing her admiration of the resplendent orb of night, when the Cockey remarked, “’Tis pretty well for a Scotch moon!”

NEW MEANING OF THE WORD REMONSTRATE

A worthy farmer in the north of England was once waited upon by a tax-gatherer, who claimed taxes which had been already paid. The receipt had been mislaid, and the farmer could not on the instant produce it. The man of taxes became very abusive; and the farmer, in his own phrase, remonstrated with him. “Well, and to what effect did you remonstrate with him?” asked a friend, who heard the story from the farmer’s own mouth. “I don’t know,” was the reply; “but I know the poker was bent, and I had to get a hammer to straighten it again.”

A BRIDLE FOR THE TONGUE

A young nobleman, full of the follies of youth and the vanities of his rank, was rattling away at a great rate one morning at the Smyrna coffee-house. He, in particular, took great pains to let the company know of what consequence he was abroad, by the number of valuable presents made him at the several courts of Europe: “For instance, now,” says he, “I have got a bridle given me by the King of France, so exceeding rich and elegant, that upon my soul, I do not know what use to make of it.” “A bridle! my lord,” says an old gentleman, who sat in the corner. “Yes, sir,” says his lordship. “Why, then, I think the best use you can make of that is, to put it about your tongue.”

LORD HOLLAND AND THE CHAIRMEN

The late Lord Holland (who was, perhaps, the fattest man of his height in England), and his brother Charles, coming out of the Thatched-house one night together, a chair was called for the former, who, altering his mind, agreed to go home in his brother’s carriage, which was in waiting: the chairmen, however, being disappointed, he gave them a shilling. “Long life to your lordship,” says Paddy; “sixpence more to the poor chairmen.” “What!” says he, “have I not given you your full fare?” “O, yes, your lordship; but consider the fright.”

GARRICK AN ACTOR ON AND OFF THE STAGE

Foote being at supper one night at the Bedford coffee-house, just after Garrick had performed Macbeth, the conversation very naturally turned on the merits of that great performer, when, after many eulogiums on the universality of his powers, it was admitted, on all hands, that he was the first actor on any stage. “By G – d, gentlemen,” says Foote, “I don’t think you have above half said enough of him; for I think him not only the greatest actor on, but off the stage.”4

DR. JOHNSON ON A SCOTCH PROSPECT

When Dr. Johnson was in Scotland, amongst other curiosities shewn him, he was taken to a very ancient and high castle, which was reckoned to command the most extensive views of any in the country. “Well, sir,” says his guide, “what do you think of this prospect?” “It is the finest in all Scotland,” says the doctor; “for I can here see the road to England.”

DR. JOHNSON ON THE RECONCILIATION OF WOMEN

Dr. Johnson sitting one night with a number of ladies and gentlemen of his acquaintance, the ladies, by way of heightening the good humour of the company, agreed to toast ordinary women. In this round, one of the ladies gave an old housekeeper of Dr. Johnson’s, blind of an eye, and another matched her with Dr. Goldsmith. This whimsical union so pleased the former lady, that though she had some pique with the latter in the beginning of the night, she ran round the table, kissed her, and said she forgave her every thing that happened for the ’propos of her last toast. “Ay,” says Johnson, “this puts me in mind of an observation of Swift’s, that the quarrels of women are made up like those of ancient kings, —there is always an animal sacrificed on the occasion.”

REHEARSING A FUNERAL

Lord Chesterfield, a little before his death, was so infirm, that, whenever he went out in his coach, the horses were generally led step by step. In this situation he was one morning met by an acquaintance, who congratulated his lordship on being able to take the air. “I thank you kindly, sir,” says his lordship; “but I do not come out so much for the air, as for the benefit of rehearsing my funeral.”

BEST SORT OF LANGUAGE FOR THE PULPIT

The vicar in a certain village in England, returning one Sunday from church, was thus accosted by an opulent farmer: “Well, doctor,” said he, “you be gwain on pretty well now; but why dount ye gi’ us now and than a scrap of Latin?” “Why,” said the vicar, “if I had thought it had been your wish, I should have had no objection, but for one thing – I am afraid you would not understand it.” “That,” said the other, “is nout to you; as we do pay vor the best, we oft to ha’ the best.”

HOGARTH’S NO-DEDICATION

Hogarth wrote a History of the Arts, which he intended to publish as a supplement to the Analysis of Beauty, and even went so far as to write the dedication for it, which was as follows: —

“The no-dedication; not dedicated to any prince in Christendom, for fear it might be thought an idle piece of arrogance; not dedicated to any man of quality, for fear it might be thought too assuming; not dedicated to any learned body of men, as either of the Universities, or the Royal Society, for fear it might be thought an uncommon piece of vanity; nor dedicated to any one particular friend, for fear of offending another; therefore, dedicated to nobody: but if, for once, we may suppose nobody to be every body, as every body is often said to be nobody, then is this work dedicated to every body, by their most humble and devoted William Hogarth.”

A COMPLIMENT TO EXTRAORDINARY TALENT

Notwithstanding the perpetual contention between Rich and Garrick for the favour of the town, they lived upon very friendly terms. Rich had improved his house at Covent Garden, and made it capable of holding more. Garrick went with him to see it, and asked him, in the theatrical phrase, how much money it would hold. “Sir,” says Rich, “that question I am at present unable to answer; but were you to appear but one night on my stage, I should be able to tell you to the utmost shilling.”

FRIENDS

Some English officers, drinking in their tent, asked the chaplain for a toast. “The King of France.” “What! our foe?” said the colonel. “You live by him,” said the chaplain. The colonel, in his turn, gave “The Devil.” “Do you mean to affront me?” exclaimed the chaplain. “You live by him,” said the colonel, very coolly; “do you not, my good doctor?”

POVERTY A VIRTUE

Dr. R – maintained that poverty was a virtue. “That,” replied Mr. Canning, “is literally making a virtue of necessity.”

ANECDOTE OF JOE MILLER

Joe Miller going one day along the Strand, an impudent Derby Captain came swaggering up to him, and thrust between him and the wall. “I don’t use to give the wall,” said he, “to every jackanapes.” “But I do,” said Joe, and so made way for him.

FOUL WIND

A gentleman having a remarkably bad breath, was met by Lord Thurlow in Pall Mall, who, seeing him booted and spurred, asked him where he had been? “I have been taking the air this morning,” says he, “which was rather disagreeable too, as I had a d – d north wind full in my face all the time.” “Come, come,” says his lordship; “don’t you complain: the north wind had the worst of it.”

LORD NORBURY

Lord Norbury, happening to drive out in the neighbourhood of Kingstown, was accosted by a poor person in want of employment. His lordship asked him many questions, and, amongst others, his name, and what business he followed. He said, “his name was Pew, and he was a labourer.” “Why, Pew,” replied his lordship, “you should have had a permanent situation in the church.”

LENIENT JUDGMENT

There was once a man of a peculiarly gentle temper – a man of mere milk – a perfect Nathaniel, whom nobody could ever provoke to say so much as an ill word of any body. The most atrocious villains who came to the gallows were pitied by this man. He found an excuse for every folly – a pardon for every crime. Somebody, at last, by way of trying his temper, related to him the whole story of Nero – how he killed his mother, set fire to Rome, and would have slain his whole people by one blow if he could. “What – what do you think of that man?” inquired the narrator at last, expecting to hear him pronounced upon as a monster in human shape. “Why,” said the man of sillibub, “I think he must have been a wag!”

TECHNICAL REMARK

A printer observing two bailiffs pursuing an ingenious but distressed author, remarked, “that it was a new edition of ‘The Pursuits of Literature,’ unbound, but hot-pressed.”

SHERIDAN AND THE GREAT SEAL

At a canvas, in which Sheridan was engaged at Westminster, soon after the Great Seal of England was so strangely abstracted, the mob saluted him with loud cries of, – “Who stole the Seal? Sherry stole the Seal,” &c.; and one fellow at last exclaimed, “I suppose if there had been a watch at it, he would have stolen it too.” “No,” said Sheridan; “if there had been a watch at it, it probably would not have been stolen at all.”

WELL-SUSTAINED CONVERSATION

A country gentleman of great taciturnity, and whose servant quite understood all his ways, was one day crossing a bridge, when he took it into his head to look back and ask his attendant if he liked eggs. John answered, “Yes,” and no more passed at that time. Exactly on that day twelvemonth, he happened to cross the same bridge, about the same hour of the day. “How?” cried he to the servant, who rode behind him. John, not behind in one respect, instantly replied, “Poached, sir.” The conversation then dropped.

SHERIDAN AND DIGNUM

On the 5th of December, 1803, Mr. Reynolds, the prolific dramatist, produced a musical afterpiece at Drury-Lane, entitled, “The Caravan; or, the Driver and his Dog.” There was some pretty music in it, composed by Reed, and it had a very great run, and brought much money to the treasury. The chief attraction of the piece was a dog called Carlo. “One day, Mr. Sheridan having dined with me,” says Kelly in his Memoirs, “we went to see the performance of this wonderful dog; as we entered the green-room, Dignum (who played in the piece) said, ‘Sir, there is no guarding against illness; it is truly lamentable to stop the run of a successful piece like this – ’ ‘Really! what?’ cried Sheridan, interrupting him. ‘I am so unwell!’ continued Dignum, ‘that I cannot go on longer than to-night.’ ‘You!’ exclaimed Sheridan, ‘my good fellow, you terrified me; I thought you were going to say that the dog was taken ill.’”

SODORIFIC AND SOPORIFIC

A medical practitioner, who occasionally jests with his patients, being visited by one who was hypochondriac, and fancied himself ill of a fever, he gave the following prescription: – “Recipe – A washerwoman.” On being asked the reason for this curious order, he replied, “He knew nothing better for the cure of such fevers than medicine at once sud-orific and soap-orific.”

LAUGHABLE MISPRINT

In the newspaper account of an inquest held on the body of a glutton, who died by devouring part of a goose, the verdict suffocation was misprinted stuffocation.

SHERIDAN AND LORD THURLOW

Sheridan was dining with the black-browed Chancellor, when he produced some admirable Constantia, which had been sent him from the Cape of Good Hope. The wine tickled the palate of Sheridan, who saw the bottle emptied with uncommon regret, and set his wits to work to get another. The old chancellor was not to be so easily induced to produce his curious Cape in such profusion, and foiled all Sheridan’s attempts to get another glass. Sheridan being piqued, and seeing the inutility of persecuting the immoveable pillar of the law, turned towards a gentleman sitting farther down, and said, “Sir, pass me up that decanter, for I must return to Madeira since I cannot double the Cape.”

RIVAL SHOEMAKERS

Two rival shoemakers, who lived directly opposite to each other, in one of the streets near the west end of London, and whose opposition was not in situation alone, but in every matter connected with business, carried on for a long time a war of advertisements and placards, till at last, one of them, to signify the purity of his style of doing business, got his doorway adorned with the classic sentence, “Mens conscia recti.” This the other conceived to be an advertisement of something in the line of business; and, as he was a lady’s shoemaker also, he got his door ornamented with the following improved reading of the apothegm, – “Men’s and Women’s conscia recti.”

EDINBURGH CASTLE

As a person was shewing Dr. Johnson the castle of Edinburgh, he mentioned to him a tradition that some part of it had been standing 300 years before Christ. “Much faith,” replied the doctor in his usual manner, “is due to tradition; and that part of the fortress which was standing at so early a period, must undoubtly have been the rock upon which it was founded!”

TALL TOPHAM

A Mr. Topham, who was many inches above the usual stature of men, used to tell an amusing story of himself. Going once to inquire for a person, he looked in at the window over the door, and asked an old woman who sat by the fire if her husband was at home. “No, sir,” said she; “but if you will please to alight and come in, I will go and call him.”

LENT NOT GIVEN

A gentleman happening to have high words with a butcher in St. James’s market, was at last so provoked, that he raised his cane, and threatened to give him a good dressing. “No Master,” said his antagonist, “it shall only be lent, and I will take care it shall be repaid with interest.”

NOVEL PHRASE IN A PETITION

There was little piety in the army in the reign of the second George. It is told of an officer, who was desirous of presenting a petition to that monarch, and who requested a friend’s assistance in drawing it up, that, finding it concluded as usual, “And your petitioner shall ever pray,” he exclaimed, “Pray! I never prayed in my life, and shall not begin now: why should I tell a lie to his majesty?” So he substituted, “And your petitioner shall ever fight.” The king laughed heartily at this eccentricity, and granted the officer his request.

TAKING A PLACE

In a country playhouse, after the play was over, and most wretchedly performed, an actor came upon the stage to give out the next play. “Pray,” says a gentleman, “what is the name of the piece you have played to-night.” “The Stage-coach, sir.” “Then let me know when you perform it again, that I may be an outside passenger.”

ANSER CAPITOLINUS

“Boy, what have you got before you there?” cried a pursy old doctor of divinity, who sat at the head of a table in one of the colleges of Oxford, to a young man a good way down. “Anser Capitolinus,” cried the boy in reply. “A capital answer,” roared the doctor; “send me a wing.”

LORD BATEMAN

In 1781, Lord Bateman waited upon the king, and with a very low bow, begged to know “at what hour his majesty would please to have the stag hounds turned out.” “I cannot exactly answer that,” replied the king, “but I can inform you, that your lordship was turned out about two hours ago.” The Marquis Caermarthen succeeded him.

WAY TO TURNHAM GREEN

Oliver Goldsmith being at supper one night with a lady, who was making an apology for the brownness of her pickles, very gravely desired her to send them to Hammersmith. “To Hammersmith, doctor!” says the lady; “why, is there any thing particular in that place?” “O yes, madam,” says he, “that is the way to Turn’em Green.”

A JIBE AT THE SCOTCH

In a company where Johnson and Foote were together, the emigration of the Scotch to London became the subject of conversation: Foote insisted that the emigrants were as numerous in the former, as in the present reign; the doctor the contrary: this dispute continued with a friendly warmth for some time, when Johnson called out, “You are certainly wrong, Sam; but I see how you are deceived; you cannot distinguish them now as formerly, for the fellows all come breeched to the capital of late years.”

POLITICAL BON-MOT

Some one jocularly observed to the Marquis Wellesley that in his arrangements of the ministry, “His brother the Duke had thrown him overboard.” “Yes,” said the Marquis, “but I trust I have strength enough left to swim to the other side.”