Английские анекдоты / English Jokes

Английские анекдоты / English Jokes

Подготовка текста, комментарии, упражнения и словарь С. А. Матвеева

© ООО «Издательство АСТ», 2016

* * *

One day Mongo is in his back yard digging a hole. His neighbour, seeing him there, decides to investigate. “What are you doing?” he asked. Mongo replies, “My goldfish died and I’m burying him.” “That’s an awful big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?” asked the neighbour. Mongo shot back, “That’s because he’s inside your ugly cat!”

* * *

A porter in a British hotel comes upon an American tourist impatiently jabbing at the button for the lift.

“Sir, the lift will be here in a moment.”

“Lift? Lift?” replies the American. “Oh, you mean the elevator.”

“No sir, here we call it a lift.”

“Well, as it was invented in the United States, it’s called an elevator.”

“Yes sir, but as the language was invented here, it’s called a lift.”

* * *

Joe: I love you. I love you. Won’t you be my wife?

Jess: You must see mama first.

Joe: I have seen her several times, but I love you just the same.

* * *

Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog had recently died.

“You know, it’s not your fault that the dog died. He’s probably up in heaven right now, having a grand old time with God.”

Susie, still crying, said, “What would God want with a dead dog?”

* * *

A renowned philosopher was held in high regard by his driver, who listened in awe at every speech while his boss would easily answer questions about morality and ethics.

Then one day the driver approached the philosopher and asked if he was willing to switch roles for the evening’s lecture.

The philosopher agreed and, for a while, the driver handled himself remarkably well.

When it came time for questions from the guests, a woman in the back asked:

“Is the epistemological view of the universe still valid in an existentialist world?”

“That is an extremely simple question,” he responded. “So simple in fact, that even my driver could answer that, which is exactly what he will do.”

* * *

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

After the sixth one a man on the bench across from him said, “Son, you know eating all that candy isn’t good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat.”

Little Johnny replied, “My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.[1]”

The man asked, “Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?”

Little Johnny answered, “No, he minded his own business!”

* * *

At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends.

“The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!”

An old granny overheard and spoke up, “Honey, if that’s all you want, get a TV!”

* * *

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along[2] at 22 MPH.[3]

He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.[4] Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back, wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”

“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”

“Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly twenty-two miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time,” the officer asks.

“Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 142.”

* * *

A small child met his new teacher for the first time.

“Are you good?” asked the teacher.

“I am the sort of boy my mummy tells me not to play with.”

* * *

A rookie police officer was out for his first ride with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.

The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, “Let’s get off the corner,[5] people.”

A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, “Let’s get off that corner… NOW!”

Surprised, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.

Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, “Well, how did I do?”

“Pretty good,” chuckled the vet, “especially since this is a bus stop.”

* * *

A preacher went into his church and he was praying to God.

While he was praying, he asked God, “How long is 10 million years to you?”

He replied, “1 second.”

The next day the preacher asked God, “God, how much is 10 million pounds to you?”

And God replied, “A penny.”

Then finally the next day the preacher asked God, “God, can I have one of your pennies?”

And God replied, “Just wait a second.”

* * *

A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, “How does this boat float?”

The father replied, “Don’t rightly know, son.”

A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, “How do fish breathe underwater?”

Once again the father replied, “Don’t rightly know, son.”

A little later the boy asked his father, “Why is the sky blue?”

Again, the father replied, “Don’t rightly know, son.”

Finally, the boy asked his father, “Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?”

The father replied, “Of course not, you don’t ask questions, you never learn nothing.”

* * *

Mother (in a low tone): Tommy, your grandfather is very sick. Can’t you say something nice to him to cheer him a bit?

Tommy: Grandfather, wouldn’t you like to have soldiers at your funeral?

* * *

A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice.

The father replies, “My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy.”

The boy picks up[6] his date and they go to a fountain. They stare at each other for a long time, as the boy’s nervousness builds.[7]

He remembers his father’s advice, and chooses the first topic.

He asks the girl, “Do you like spinach?”

She says “No,” and the silence returns.

After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father’s suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, “Do you have a brother?” Again, the girl says “No” and there is silence once again.

The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father’s advice and asks the girl the following question: “If you had a brother, would he like spinach?”

* * *

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around[8] to see each child’s artwork.

As she got to[9] one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what her drawing was.

The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.”

The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.”

Without missing a beat,[10] or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, “They will in a minute.”

* * *

Wayne was returning home from a business trip… bags in hand… and slowly making his way to his vehicle in the crowded airport garage.

Suddenly a large dark car screeched to a stop in front of Wayne, and the driver pointed menacingly at him. “Get in,[11]” the driver ordered. “I’ll take you to your car.”

Startled, Wayne took a step backward. “Ah… no thanks,” he answered. “I can get there myself.”

“No,” the man barked back as he threw open his passenger side door. “Get In!”

Wayne’s eyes now darted around the garage, hoping to find a security guard.

Just then, the driver’s face softened. “Please,” he said, “I’ve been driving up and down for two hours. I can’t find a space to park and I want yours.

* * *

A young boy was playing with a ball in the street. He kicked it too hard, and it broke the window of a house and fell inside. A lady came to the window with the ball and shouted at the young boy, so he ran away, but he still wanted his ball back.

A few minutes later he returned and knocked at the door of the house, and when the lady answered it, he said, “My father’s going to come and fix your window very soon.”

After a few more minutes a man came to the door with tools in his hand, so the lady let the boy take his ball away.

When the man finished fixing the window, he said to the lady, “That will cost you exactly ten pounds.”

“But aren’t you the father of that young boy?” the woman asked, looking surprised.

“No,” he answered, equally surprised. “Aren’t you his mother?”

* * *

– Is it really true that everything between Rosalie and you, Michael, is over? A whole year you were keeping company.[12]

– Just imagine!

– And did you tell her about your rich uncle whose only heir you are.

– It was just because I told her about it. She left me to become my auntie.

* * *

Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying “DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!” posted on the glass door.

Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.

He asked the store manager, “Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?”

“Yep, that’s him,” he replied.

The stranger couldn’t help but be amused.

“That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world[13] would you post that sign?”

“Because,” the owner replied, “before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.”

* * *

– Here,[14] hold my horse a minute, will you?

– Sir, I am a member of the Congress.

– Never mind![15] You look honest. I’ll take a chance.[16]

* * *

– Doctor, will I be able to play the piano after the operation?

– Yes, of course.

– Great! I never could before!

* * *

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.

Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted:

“Are there any gators[17] around here?!”

“No,” the man hollered back, “they ain’t[18] been around for years!”

Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.

About halfway there he asked the guy:

“How did you get rid of the gators?”

“We didn’t do nothin’,[19]” the beachcomber said. “The sharks got ’em.[20]”

* * *

– What would you do if you won one million pounds?

– Why? Of course I’d pay off my debts.

– And what would you do with the remaining?

– The remaining would have to wait till next time.

* * *

A drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change his instrument. After some thought, he decides on the accordion.

So he goes to the music store and says to the owner, “I’d like to look at the accordions, please.”

The owner gestures to a shelf in the corner and says, “All our accordions are over there.”

After browsing, the drummer says, “I think I’d like the big red one in the corner.”

The store owner looks at him and says, “You’re a drummer, aren’t you?”

The drummer, crestfallen, says, “How did you know?”

The store owner says, “That ‘big red accordion’ is the radiator.”

* * *

The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up.

Everybody but one girl laughed uproariously.

“What’s the matter?” grumbled the boss. “Haven’t you got a sense of humor?”

“I don’t have to laugh,” she replied. “I’m leaving Friday.”

* * *

A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer.

The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and asked:

“How do you handle the situation when you are asked for advice during a social function?”

“Just send a bill for such advice”, replied the lawyer.

On the next morning the doctor arrived at his surgery and issued the ulcer-stricken man a ₤50 bill.

That afternoon he received a ₤100 bill from the lawyer.

* * *

The doctor explained to Jenkins that he had a serious ailment for which an operation was absolutely imperative.

The patient turned pale and asked, “Isn’t it very dangerous?”

“Yes,” the doctor replied. “Five out of six who undergo this operation die, but as for you, you have nothing to worry about.”

“Why not?” eagerly inquired the patient.

“Well, you’re sure to recover because my last five patients died,” the doctor reassured him.

* * *

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep. However, the bats persisted until finally he gave in.

“OK, follow me,” he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly gathered around him.

“Now, do you see that tree over there?” he asked.

“Yes, yes, yes!” the bats all screamed.

“Good,” said the first bat tiredly, “Because I didn’t!”

* * *

A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn’t improve.

Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, “When a musician just can’t handle his instrument and doesn’t improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer.”

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: “And if he can’t handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor.”

* * *

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources[21] person asked a young applicant fresh out of[22] Business School, “And what starting salary are you looking for?”

“About ₤125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.[23]”

“Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund[24] to 50 % of salary, and a company car leased every two years – say,[25] a red Corvette?[26]”

The applicant sat up straight and said, “Wow![27] Are you kidding?”

And the interviewer replied, “Yeah, but you started it.”

* * *

As a senior citizen[28] was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!”

“Heck,[29]” said Herman, “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!”

* * *

As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said:

– I can’t find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it’s due to drinking.

– In that case, – said the patient, – I’ll come back when you’re sober.

* * *

Doctor: What seems to be the trouble? Patient: Doctor, I keep getting the feeling that nobody can hear what I say.

Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?

* * *

An admiral is standing by a candy machine at the Naval Academy in Annapolis when he stops a plebe walking by.

– Sailor, do you have change for a pound?

– Sure, buddy, – says the plebe, rooting around his pocket.

– That’s no way to address an officer! Now let’s try it again. Do you have change for a pound?

The plebe snaps to attention[30] and barks:

– No, sir!

* * *

– My father had two horses that looked so much alike that he measured them so he could tell them apart.

– Did that help?

– It sure did. He found that the white one was 6 inches shorter than the black one.

* * *

Man says to God:

“Lord, why did you make woman so beautiful?”

God says, “So you would love her.”

“But Lord,” the man says, “why did you make her so stupid?”

God says, “So she would love you.”

* * *

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation.

He wrote, “I would like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?”

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, “I’ve been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time I’ve never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls.

I’ve never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I’ve never had a dog run out on a hotel bill.

Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you’re welcome to stay here, too.”

* * *

– Sir! Did you have a good holiday? Did you go away?

– Yes, I went to France, to Paris.

– Did you have much trouble with your French when you were there?

– No, I didn’t – but the Parisians did.

* * *

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside.

One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old.

“Hold it,[31] hold it,” the fellow said to the men. “Can you tell me what’s going on here with this digging?”

“Well, we work for the county government,[32]” one of the men said. “But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. You’re not accomplishing anything. Aren’t you wasting the county’s money?”

“You don’t understand, mister,” one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. “Normally there’s three of us, me, Joe and Mike. I dig the hole, Joe sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back.”

“Yea,” piped up Mike. “Now just because Joe is sick, that doesn’t mean we can’t work, does it?”

* * *

A husband and wife entered the dentist’s office.

The husband said, “I want a tooth pulled. I don’t want gas or novocain because I’m in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible.”

“You’re a brave man,” said the dentist. “Now, show me which tooth it is.”

The husband turns to his wife and says, “Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear.”

* * *

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“Hunting flies,” he responded.

“Oh… Killed any?” she asked.

“Yep, three males, two females,” he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, “How can you tell?”

He responded, “Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone.”

* * *

A kind old gentleman seeing a small boy who was carrying a lot of newspapers under his arm said:

“Don’t all the newspapers make you tired, my boy?”

“No, I don’t read them,” replied the boy.

* * *

An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a mystic were asked to name the greatest invention of all times.

The engineer chose the wheel, which gave humanity power over space. The physicist chose fire, which gave humanity power over matter.

The mathematician chose the alphabet, which gave humanity power over symbols. The mystic chose the thermos bottle.

“Why a thermos bottle?” the others asked. “Because the thermos keeps hot liquids hot in winter and cold liquids cold in summer.”

“Yes – so what?” “Think about it.” said the mystic reverently. “That little bottle – how does it know?”

* * *

The general went out to find that none of his GIs[33] were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.[34]

“Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I’m here.”

The general was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the GI go.

Moments later, eight more GIs came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.

“Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I’m here.”

The general eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too.

A ninth GI jogged up to the general, panting heavily. “Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but…”

“Let me guess,” the general interrupted, “it broke down.”

“No,” said the GI, “there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them.”

* * *

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn’t do something about it.

So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.

Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm[35] in the morning by almost two hours. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.

“Boss”, he said, “The pill actually worked!”

“That’s all fine”, said the boss. “But where were you yesterday?”

* * *

A young man at a New Year’s party turns to his friend and asks for a cigarette.

“I thought you made a New Year’s resolution to quit smoking,” his friend says.

“I’m in the process of quitting,” the guy replies. “Right now, I am in the middle of phase one.”

“And what’s phase one?”

“I’ve quit buying.”

* * *

Newly wed wife to her husband:

“That is why I can’t stand you[36] – you are so unpredictable. On Monday you liked the potatoes, Tuesday you liked the potatoes, Wednesday you liked the potatoes, Thursday you said you loved the potatoes preparation, Friday you liked the potatoes, Saturday you liked the potatoes and now all of a sudden on Sunday you say that you don’t like potatoes.”

* * *

When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the physiatrist began his therapy session.

“I’m not aware of your problem,” the doctor said. “So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning.”

“Of course,” replied the patient. “In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth…”

* * *

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road.

As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells, “PIG!!!”

The man immediately leans out his window and replies, “BITCH!!!”

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig wandering in the middle of the road…

* * *

A man was driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back seat.